aaand now i'm sick.

Well, I made it to May without any major sickness, but now I am laid out. Sore throat, congestion, cough, the works. It sucks. I had to cancel my date with hot construction worker because I look and sound like absolute crap. He sent me a sweet email this morning, though, so that's nice. He's probably a freaking serial killer, though, knowing my luck. I also had to cancel my plans to attend a Kinky Singles Mixer tonight - that would've been AMAZING. I'm dying to check out one of those events and meet BDSMers in real life. Oh well, maybe next time.

In the meantime, I'm laying in bed all day alternating between doing bursts of work, watching copious amounts of TV (my DVR was at 99% - it was an issue), and drugging myself up to sleep. Whenever I get sick, I always miss TOJ, who made me homemade soup and delivered it to me when I was ill. I need a man like that in my life. Or a house servant. Either one will do.

Anyway, I'm going to go back to sleep... hopefully I start to feel better soon!

bay to breakers eve.

I am SO DAMN EXCITED for Bay to Breakers tomorrow! I have my costume all set - I plan on being Alex from Clockwork Orange. I'm going to be drunk before 9 am and it will be glorious! We also have mint julep jello shots and I'll be traveling with my trusty whiskey lemonades. Bay to Breakers is my favorite holiday! Now that I'm done with all my major events for a while, I can relax and have a life!

Just popping in to say hey!
Cleo

moods.

I am a moody person. I hate it. It's one of the least favorite parts of my personality, especially since I have yet to determine what my triggers are. I know I can get upset around my period - emotional and whatnot, but outside of that I have no clue when the next bout of sadness will happen. Lately, I've been feeling a little melancholy. I don't know if it's the whole Ken Doll thing or my fears about what my promotion means and living up to the new title I have. Maybe it's the fact that I'm working on a terrible event that I just can't wait to be done with. Or it could just be that I'm feeling lonely, as I sometimes feel ,even though I have a pretty full life. I don't know.

Yesterday, I just felt so off. I don't know why - it was like I wasn't physically present in the moment. Spent most of the day moping around my house, in my pajamas watching bad television. I'm glad my friends dragged me out, though. Went to play bingo in the Sunset and then eat delicious salmon after that. I never regret going out and hanging out with people, but sometimes it's so difficult to do. I have one of those weird extroverted introvert personalities that make me feel like I have a disorder. It's like - how can a person feel lonely and also want to be alone at the same time. I don't get it.

I think the mood is lifting, though. I'm super excited about getting this event out of the way and I'm actually looking forward to the increased bonding time with my team - drinks and grilled cheese sandwiches at the W all day every day! I often wonder why I'm still planning events. Part of it is the high of it all - there is nothing more exciting than putting on an event. It's like being on drugs - with the highs and lows that accompany it. The other part is that I actually love my teammates. They are so much fun to be around and I love all the time I get to spend with them. Post-event, I get to cap it off with Bay to Breakers, which is my all-time favorite San Francisco holiday. Nudity, public intoxication, outdoor drinking and all this before 8am?! YES, PLEASE.

Hopefully the pendulum will swing towards happy again =)

friday brain dump.

Yesterday's post was kind of heavy and now I have all of these thoughts. I'm still an optimist in a lot of ways - I don't believe all men are inherently bad or evil, but I am trying to be way more discerning of who I let into my life. It's sad that I feel limited in my sexual expression because people are assholes. I'm trying not to let it get to me, but here are some random thoughts flowing through my head.

1. I NEED TO WRITE MY DATING MEMOIR. Seriously, my stories need to be told. I never consider myself to be a real 'writer' and I think it's time I started. My psychic has told me a bunch of times that I need to be writing, but I never listen. I think I let my day job and all my commitments keep me from doing the work I need and want to do. It's time for me to nurture my creative side and get going. Also, I'm hoping that writing it all out would be therapeutic. This weekend, I plan to storyboard this shit. If anyone has any favorite posts, please let me know!
2. Should I stop trying to explore kink? I don't want to let one bad apple ruin the whole bunch, but now I'm turned off by the whole kink community and trying to find partners. Maybe I should take my search offline and start going to some munches in person? I mean, all the craziness with Ken Doll aside, I really did enjoy myself. There's something about submission that really speaks to me and I do want that experience. I just need to figure out how to do it in a safe, sane way.
3. I need to figure out how to make some $$$ using my insane stalking skills. I really think I could have a side hustle with this shit. I can find almost anything - I would love to hone my skills and help other women discover what their shitbag boyfriends/husbands/potential online lovers are doing. 
4. Should I re-enter the vanilla world of OKCupid? I still have my profiles up, but I'm not really actively seeking anyone and I could probably stand to revamp everything I have up. I don't know - I just get so disillusioned with the idea of relationships. I can't live without sex, but it's been increasingly difficult to meet quality men that pique both my vagina and my brain. I just can't figure out how to make shit happen. It's like - do I focus on it or do I not focus on it? People say things like, "OH, don't do anything. It'll happen when you least expect it." I was celibate for a freaking year and nothing happened. I mean, I got propositioned by a few guys, but the love of my life didn't magically appear out of the woodwork. Then, when I seek things out, I end up being disappointed with what I find. Not sure what the right answer is here.

Anyway, I'm all up in my feelings right now, but I still want to have fun and I still want to have wild, crazy sex and live my life to the fullest. I just don't want to get burned again. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed that this happened (to be honest, I view all of my blunders and stumbles as positives because they're teachable moments and great stories), but I know I need to be smart about how I proceed. I'll be spending the weekend revamping profiles and figuring shit out. Hopefully, I'll have lots of positive stories for you soon!

this is the wildest thing that has ever happened to me.

I don't even know how I can truly do this story justice. I've been spending the past couple of days trying to think of how I can adequately describe what's been going down in my romantic life. Here goes nothing. This will most certainly be a very big chapter in my future memoir of my ridiculous dating life.

So, Ken Doll. Beautiful, gorgeous, amazingly sexy, and super talented in bed Ken Doll. My mother always told me that if something is too good to be true, then it probably is. For those of you who know me well, you know that I am a world class stalker. I'm not a psycho - I don't stalk every man I date or my friends or anything like that, but when I can't find the answer to something, I spend time searching for it. I'm like that at work - it's something my bosses frequently comment on. CJ finds answers. CJ never says "I don't know." CJ figures shit out. Ken Doll has been this enigma. I haven't heard from him in a bit and I couldn't find him on Facebook or Twitter or any of the other social media networks that our generation is so into. Given that, I decided to hunt around. What I found basically knocked the wind out of me. I have been so consumed with this that I haven't even really been able to adequately celebrate my promotion.

I did a little bit of hunting and found out several things. The first thing is that this guy is a crazy spearfisher and diver. He does this shit all the time. He likes hunting and killing things both on land and sea. I also found a post online where he talks about a trip he's taking around the world and how he's selling all of his possessions to go on it. Not much of this is shocking since he told me about the trip when we met AND he told me about his gun collection and love of hunting. I also find an ad where he's selling his Porsche. Okay, dude has money. Makes sense - he said he was in finance.

Day 2 of stalking yielded the most disturbing information yet. I find a post from him online where he tells his fellow spearfishers that he is setting sail on May 18th and that he will be taking this trip with his friend and their WIVES. My heart literally leapt to my throat. For those of you who don't know me, cheating is a big fucking deal for me. I don't condone it and I don't condone being a part of it. I would rather stab myself in the face than sleep with a married or partnered man. I just don't get down like that. My moral compass may be reallll shady about some things, but it points due north on this. After this bombshell, I get so upset that I just start digging through everything I can find. I'm searching all kind of terms and finding everything I possibly can. I read 166 posts from this boy on this fishing site and I find two things - a picture of his girl (cute, petite Asian girl) and his real name.

Now that I've got his real name it is ON. I find him on Facebook and the girl. I find their wedding site and learn that they aren't married yet, but they are getting married on SATURDAY. Their wedding is on SATURDAY. WTF?!?! No wonder he's too busy to hang out - he probably has a bunch of WEDDING ERRANDS TO COMPLETE. Then, the cherry on the top of all of this amazingness. Homeboy is a registered sex offender. I found both of his lovely mug shots. He was arrested for 4th degree sexual assault on an incapacitated victim using force or coercion. 4th degree is no penetration, so at least he didn't stick it in?! BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL?! Jesus take the wheel. I'm dying.

Now that I know all of this - in addition to some other info (he's not in finance, he's a recruiter, his family is BEYOND loaded, he had a brother who died last year and there's memorial to him on his family's estate) - I am just disgusted. Truly disgusted. I'm sad that what was the best sexual experience of my life has this sheen of grossness allllll over it.

I have more to say, but this is already super long, so to sum it up. I'm looking at my life. I'm looking at my choices. I'm trying to figure out how to ensure this never happens again. Right now, I'm thinking nunnery.

YAY!

So, I have major epic craziness to blog about, but you know what - I don't want to focus on fucked up men today, I want to focus on me! I found out yesterday that I have been promoted to Marketing Events Manager!!!!! I'm so excited! I didn't think this would happen until October (although my psychic told me it would be earlier than that), so I'm really over the moon. I've been agonizing about it like whoa - my dreams were insane - but I did it! I worked SO hard for this and this year has been one of the most challenging ones in my career, but also the most rewarding.

I can't really describe how I'm feeling right now - there's a part of me that is just so tired that I can't even be excited. There's another part of me that is in shock. Then another part of me is like "do I deserve this?" I mean, I know I'm good at my job, but am I good enough to be an event manager? I need to get rid of all that doubt - I'm not nearly confident enough and I always downplay my achievements, so I'm trying not to do that here, but it definitely comes up. The good part of me is excited. I'm an event manager now and hopefully that will come with much more responsibility and freedom. I want to get more involved with my individual clients and take on bigger events. I want to expand my role on certain projects. I'm really looking forward to an event I have in October where I'm going to get to be creative and do really cool shit with the product teams at my company. It's the first chance I've really gotten to completely blow up an event and make it my own. I know that I'm very logistically talented and I can juggle a lot of work, but this is the first chance to prove my creative skillz.

All in all, I'm elated for the recognition from my team and I'm looking forward to charting the future of my career. In the meantime - drinks!

relaxing.

Today after work, I decided to only do things that make me happy. I walked down to the Ferry Building and bought myself some salmon, lemons, a bottle of wine, a loaf of Acme bread, and my favorite balsamic vinegar/olive oil concoction. So bourgie. Then I took an Uber home and watched Game of Thrones and Mad Men while setting up my new MacBook Air. I have this image in my mind of my life right now - a beautiful, clean slate. I want everything to be fresh and I want to start from scratch. To clear away the old and focus on the new. I just had my apartment cleaned. I'm setting up my new laptop. I cleared out all of my debt on my credit cards. I crave newness - a chance to start over again and be a better, newer, cleaner version of myself.

Blank page.

up late.

Well, late for me. I took another one of my epic naps and therefore it's midnight and I'm not the least bit tired - I figure I'm up for another 3 hours at least. Oh well. This weekend, I did a whole lot of nothing. I volunteered all day Saturday at SFSI, which was fun. I miss sex ed nerds and watching copious amounts of pr0n in an academic way. It was really nice. After that, I took a little nap and then met up with College BFF and one of our friends for drinks. We were supposed to go out bro-hunting in North Beach, but we got all caught up being funny and awesome and shit and ended up staying in the apartment drinking ridiculously strong gin martinis. Cue drunken cab ride back to my place after disgusting pizza. Today, I lived the shut in life and didn't leave my house.

I'm a little restless, bored, and unmotivated today. I have some mysterious cramp that makes bending over horrible. I want to attribute it to my monster period, but I think I may go to the doctor tomorrow or Tuesday if it persists. Ugh, I feel like I'm getting older. Still no news on the promotion front. Still no word from Ken Doll. In other news, I'm giving up Dom #1 because he is terrible and not attractive and not doing anything for me. I hate when I have really bad sexual experiences, so I've decided to stop having them. He is a really bad sexual experience, so I'm cutting him out. On to the next one, please.

Anyway, just writing to write something. Back to my night of Scandal, Game of Thrones, and Mad Men.

xox

what am i doing with my life?

I'm starting to think that it's just a natural part of a late-twentysomething's life to be constantly in flux with their career. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Our team is going through a ton of change - we have about 3 or 4 people leaving the team/company, opening up a bunch of positions and really causing me to question what I'm doing. Not only that, but my boss has been crazy lately and I have no idea what's going on with her. I'm unmotivated by 50% of our job and some of the large events just aren't exciting to me anymore. I want to move on to other things, but I'm not sure how to position myself without offending her. There's a part of me that wants to stop reporting to her, but then I still like doing some of what we do. Arg, I just don't know.

I'm also waiting to see if my promotion will go through, which will determine what I think I need to be doing. There's too much in flux. Part of me wants to do internal events full time, but I know that ultimately that won't be sustainable. What I'd really love to do is do 50% internal events and then continue to work with one of my product groups and then eventually either transfer over to that team or use that connection to move into a different world. I'm making spreadsheets and charts and pro/con lists, but I think that this decision (what I do next) will really have a huge driving force into what my career ends up becoming.

So much to think about...

bachelorette weekend!

Just got back last night from MB's bachelorette in Disney World - I am definitely exhausted, as evidenced by the 90 min nap I just took. I will admit, at first I was skeptical that I would have fun (because I'm not really a kid at heart - I was born about 75 years old), but I really enjoyed the parks. It reminded me of my childhood vacations spent at Disney. I also liked being old enough to drink (drinking around the world at Epcot was most certainly a highlight of trip) and I had a delicious salmon dinner at one of the new Disney restaurants.

The thing I really enjoyed about the trip was meeting' MB's family. When you've known someone for nine years, you hear a lot about their family stories and you really feel like you get a picture of how they grew up and their family dynamic. Since we met in college, though, I never got the chance to actually meet her family and I *loved* her sisters and all their quirkiness. It was nice to match faces to names and stories and sit around drinking by the pool and talking about sex and girl stuff. I like seeing where people come from - I find it gives you a lot of insight into how they've become the person they are.

Now, it's back to reality, which means work and a major event two weeks out. Eek! Cannot wait til it's over and I get a little bit of a break. I also need to get back on my healthy train. I'm not silly enough to think I can do the no alcohol thing, but I need to start working out daily. Ah, real life. So hard to return to you...