so excited to get back to SF!

I know that I love SF because every time I'm away, I'm just dying to get back. It was SO awesome seeing everyone and getting to reconnect with my East Coast friends, but I miss my apartment and my West Coast contingent. I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, but who is?

The wedding last night was so amazing! It was really cute and quaint and I loved the New England feel. The church was adorable and the reception was a ton of fun. I got wayyy too drunk on Makers and Ginger Ale (forgot how easy Makers goes down), but I had fun dancing it up all night. I love weddings because it's guaranteed dancing all night. I danced with this one cute tall kid, who lives on Long Island, but nothing came of it. Oh, well... guess my dreams of meeting my soul mate are dashed again! I got crazy shitfaced at the bar afterwards and had to leave to go order a Dominos pizza, which I ate half of alone in my hotel room trashed out of my mind. KEEPIN IT CLASSY, as per usual! I had a really fun time hanging out with my friend MD, who I clearly should've known in college, because I think the two of us could really do some damage if we lived in the same city. She's kind of reinvigorated my desire to party more and circulate and meet people. Hopefully, I can carry that spirit back home with me to SF. I think I was gChatting some drunken nonsense to Vest last night - I'm scared to read my chat history!

It does feel nice to return to reality, though. I really missed my SF crew while I was gone. I love them all! My week is pretty open, so hopefully I can get some rest and see some people. I'm feeling the need to be social =)

restless.

I feel so freaking restless right now about everything! In sad news, no nookie for me this week from FBI. Blame conflicting schedules. There was a chance it could've happened tonight, since he'll be "out and about" and wants to "link up," but I'm doing the Long Island thing tonight so no dice!

<<< spoiler alert if you haven't seen last week's Mad Men >>>

ANYWAY. Restlessness. I don't know - I just want change and I feel like I'm on the cusp of something major in my life. I don't know what it is - work, life, relationship, whatever - but I just feel the winds of change blowing (lol... yes, I realize I sound like an idiot) and I'm excited. I haven't been able to sleep much. I've been thinking too much about my job and what else I can do to be happy. I watched Mad Men earlier in the week and the moment where Peggy Olson leaves SCDP just spoke to me. I'm not saying I want to leave my company (I love them and I don't want to leave), but I know I need some kind of change. Another role or another company. Thankfully, the one thing I do know for sure is that I love San Francisco. Being here in NY for the past week has taught me that. I really have absolutely no desire to spend any particular length of time in NYC. I mean, it's nice to come back for a little while, but I couldn't live here again. I just know I couldn't.

So, here I am stuck. Thinking about my options and weighing the pros and cons. I don't know if I'm strong enough to just leave and start anew. Sometimes I hate myself for being such a late bloomer. I wish I could just know what I want to do and do it and not worry about anything anymore. I envy all those people who are doing what they said they would do when they were 10, while some of us flounder and struggle. Maybe one day I'll know what I want to be when I grow up (assuming I ever grow up, which seems unlikely at this moment in time).

Oh, well.

quick updates.

Holy shit! I have so much fucking work to do it's insane. I forgot how crazed I was before I left - I definitely did not finish everything I had to. Of course, coming in at 11:30am today was probably not the smartest thing to do, but oh well! I got to eat lunch with lovely Gremlin and catch up for a little bit. Now I'm trying to hustle and get shit done. I'm here til like 7 (ugh) so I guess I have a decent chunk of time to get stuff done.

In life updates, I texted FBI last night and he wrote me back. Now we are trying to make a plan for hanging out this week. Pray for me, people! I seriously need some male attention right now =P

in which i am ridiculously nostalgic.

I love going back to Brown. Something about Commencement is so soothing and makes me feel at home. We got to Providence kind of on the late-ish side (11am), since we screwed up the train from Boston, but it was nice to run around Pembroke campus again. The decision was made to immediately start drinking at Andreas. After that, we checked into our rooms and took a nap until it was time for acapella. I love me some acapella - boys singing songs will always be something I'm interested in checking out. After that was the 5 and 10 year reunion reception, where I was able to catch up with people I haven't seen in 5 years! Everyone is doing such interesting things and it's really nice to hear about what everyone has been up to. I keep in pretty good contact with most of my sorority sisters and close friends, so I love hearing about people that I wasn't as close with. Friday night was Campus Dance, which was a clusterfuck as usual. I was pretty tired around midnight, so after the singing part, I grabbed pizza and got into my bed.

Saturday, College BFF arrived, so there was more day drinking and chatting and catching up, along with the requisite hangover food. Nighttime, they had this dance where it was too dark and too loud to really catch up with anyone, so we left and tried to do the GCB, but the line was too long, so instead it was drinking out with College BFF's Republican friends. I pretty much stayed glued to the hip to this Marine, who was entertaining. He was easy to talk to and you know I love chatting with people whose life experiences are so different from my own. He graduated when I was a freshman and then enlisted. I totally would've slept with him, but I got the sense that wasn't where the night was heading (plus I had my period and neither of us had rooms to actually do anything in). So instead, we chatted until like 4 am and then I got a ride back from him and his friend to the dorm where we were staying. I miss chatting and flirting with boys - I don't get nearly enough of it in my normal life.

Of course, going to bed at 4:30am when you need to be up at 8am is stupid, and I paid the price the next morning. I was crazy exhausted and my stomach was in agony, so I ended up missing half of the march because I was ill. Ugh, boys plus booze equals bad life decisions. AND I didn't even have sex, so there's that. On the train home, I got so sad and nostalgic over Brown. I miss my friends and sometimes I miss the ease of life there and how exciting and fun everything was. Brown is really where I became the person that I am today and it's where I feel the most at home. It was nice to have a taste of it, but bittersweet to remember that it's over and life is a little more complicated now.

leaving on a jet plane!

AHHHH - it's here! The moment I've been waiting for all year - COMMENCEMENT/5 YEAR REUNION! Seriously, I cannot wait to be back in Providence, with all my lovely friends and sisters. I've already made my list of places I absolutely have to go before the weekend ends. I get to see my best friend, too! Yay! Also, since it's 5 year, there will be tons of people there and I'm kind of praying that I make some bad decisions. I need to have more fun. I really don't think words can express how much my alma mater means to me - seriously Brown has made me the person I am today and it was the best decision I have ever made, closely followed by my job and my second move to SF, of course!

So needless to say, I may be MIA on the blog for a bit while I do that and then I'll be in NYC for a few days (hopefully time to make *more* bad decisions) and then it's Connecticut for one of my sorority sisters' weddings! Cannot wait! This next week is going to be awesome =)

strip strip hooray!

Last night I went with a couple of girls to see Dita Von Teese's burlesque show, Strip Strip Hooray. It was fucking amazing! First of all, Dita is so tiny - her waist was like miniscule. I couldn't stop looking at it! The best thing about the show, though, was the diversity! The host was a transgendered male and he was funny as all hell. The show also featured a black burlesque dancer, a little person, two fuller-figured women, and a man, which was amazing! I'd never seen a man do burlesque before - he was so hot! It was just nice to see people in their own skin, loving their bodies and being incredibly sexy. The outfits were gorgeous (my fave was the hot pink sparkly cowboy outfit Dita wore, along with a pink mechanical bull) and the dancing was excellent. I basically left the show deciding that one day I'm going to take burlesque lessons and do a dance onstage. Another thing to add to the 30 before 30 list (guess I'll have to remove something)!

I've been feeling kind of shitty about my body lately, and I really just want to get to a place where I'm comfortable with my body shape and size. It seems like a burlesque class would be a good way to do this and could help me gain some more body confidence. All of the women onstage (and the dude) were so sexy and it was empowering to watching people who enjoy and revel in their bodies, instead of bending to fit into some preconceived notion of attractiveness.

Also, San Francisco is fucking awesome. The crowd was wild and it was the usual mix of freaks and geeks that SF is so well-known for. I love this city!

broke my bay to breakers virginity!

Sorry for not updating yesterday, but I was hungover and miserable after Bay to Breakers, as was most of the office. It was amusing to walk around and see everyone looking cracked out and tired. OMG I love San Francisco! Seriously - it's a really wild and crazy city, full of fun, open people and I love it! I typically tend to be kind of Oscar the Grouch-like when it comes to festivals and crowds, but I think SF is wearing me down.

I popped up bright and early at 7am. I live on the race route, so there were already people camped out, including a dude with a guitar. I got myself all dressed up - hot pink wig, pink angel wings, a pink garland in my (fake) hair, and hot pink tights with a pink mini skirt. I also slutted it up a bit with a hot pink push up bra, underneath a sheer white t-shirt, but I was modest and buttoned it up. Life Coach and her BF came to pick me up and we headed to Alamo Square, where we proceeded to get shitfaced on vodka-Gatorades and whiskey-lemonades. We met up with her boyfriend's friends who were crazy and a ton of fun. I greatly enjoyed seeing full-frontal male nudity, although most of it was attached to men old enough to be my grandfather. I also saw more cock rings than I've ever seen in my life. Throughout the day, the guys kept trying to get me to flash them because my boobs are awesome, but I'm a lady so I declined. We started drinking every time we saw a naked person and I was wasted by 9:45am. It was fucking amazing!

Of course, because I'm me, I started flirting with one of the guys there - we'll call him FBI because that's where he works. He is tall and muscular, with dark features and facial hair, which is totally my type. He started chatting with me and he lives in NYC, so we bonded about that. After watching every single group go by, the police sweepers came through, so we moved the party to my place, where I flirted with FBI some more, and also did an assessment of his personality - favorite books, favorite places to go out, etc. I also may have dared him to pee out of my window, but he didn't, so I think that's a good thing. After that, Life Coach and her bf left, so I was basically alone in my house with their friends. It was an interesting assortment of people - there was a married dude with four daughters (!!!). He was the most vocal about me taking my top off, not sure how I felt about that. Then FBI, and then Life Coach's boyfriend's brother and his girlfriend. There was also a 50 year old couple there - FBI's ex-girlfriend's mom and her boyfriend. So um yeah, not your average hangout. 

So this motley crew ended up going to Kezar pub and drinking more - Jameson on ice for me, so I could keep up with FBI. You all know how I get when I drink with boys, it's like I have to prove myself. So basically, homeboy kept flirting with me the entire time and all day he'd been telling me that I need to get together with him when I'm in NYC. While at the bar, he got my number and then texted me his, so the plan is to contact him when I'm NYC and see what's up. He seems like a total manwhore, but I wouldn't mind getting laid, especially by an FBI agent. I've been keeping it really hush-hush with Life Coach, since it's her BF's best friend and I don't want it to be weird. I also am like 95% sure that he will forget me and be like 'who is this chick texting me?'

I think it's been so long since I've had physical contact that I just need to screw someone. The whole day I was so on edge, especially since FBI was being crazy touchy-feely and all over me. I swear, if I don't sleep with someone during my Providence-NYC-Wedding Weekend, I will kill people.

bay to breakers weekend!

Super excited for this week to end - I've been a crazy ball of stress. I went to the dentist today and basically my tooth pain is coming from stress-induced teeth grinding. Yikes! I need to figure out my work situation, but until I can get that done, I'm going to try and enjoy my weekend! I get to sleep in tomorrow and then I'll go shopping for reunion outfits and Jazzgirl will do my nails and it will be great!

Sunday, I'm participating in my first Bay to Breakers and I'm so excited! I feel like I never do any of the traditional San Francisco things because I'm dull and boring, so it's time to change that. For those of you not in the Bay Area, Bay to Breakers is a race from The Embarcadero to the beach. Obvi, because this is SF, it's not about the race, it's about the wild costumes, crazy nudity, and drinking, of which I will be partaking! I'm going to be a pink fairy - wig and crazy pink tights - and my drink of choice will be a camelback full of whiskey-lemonade! I'm meeting up with my life coach, her bf, and their friends at 8am in Alamo Square for drinking and frolicking. I will probably pass out by 12pm in my apartment. Cannot wait! I'm becoming a San Franciscan indeed!

my face is everything!

This title is non-sensical, as this post probably will be. I'm just in this crazy weird mood where everything is failing, but then something happy happens. First of all, can I say that I'm so happy that College BFF is going to be coming to Commencement! She wasn't going to come and now she is, and I'm extremely excited! I know the weekend will be even better now! Today has been a shitty day, so any good news is amazing.

I'm just tired and burnt out with work and I don't know if I want to be in my job anymore. I'm just having one of those days where I'm extremely unhappy with my work life and I don't know what to do. What I'd like to do is run the fuck away and go write in a hole for a couple of years. Instead, I will just keep on swimming, as per usual.

"you just love boys"

That was what Vest said to me after I told him I was back on the OKCupid wagon. Penis is king! Okay, as a feminist, there are so many things wrong with that statement and I know it's vulgar, but you all know how much I love dick. I just can't seem to give up the pursuit of it. I'm not going to say I'm back 100% just yet, because I know these things always fall through, but I got a message from a guy last night and even though his profile is kind of meh, he's pretty attractive so I'm going to try and see where we go from here.

Basically, not only am I a liar, I'm a shallow one. I know I said I was going to stay away from online dating and men for a bit, but it's hard when you're tempted. I felt like I couldn't just ignore him... that would be rude. Oh well... so far our convo is pretty benign - talking about baseball and where we're from. I appreciate the fact that he's being nice about it and not trying to screw me immediately. Although, he could totally screw me immediately.

This will probably all flame out - online boys are notoriously flaky, but I might as well give it a go!

i am not my hair... or maybe i am?

Friday night, I had a discussion that really irked and annoyed me. I've been toying with the idea of cutting my hair super short again, like how I did after my 24th birthday when I did the Big Chop. My hair was like half an inch long and it felt liberating and I didn't have to do anything with it, which was amazing. Lately, my hair has been pissing me off. I can't find a product that works 100% the way I want it to and it has been catching lint everywhere. I can't seem to get rid of the lint. Not to mention, my arms are tired of spending hours twisting it. I'm tired of dealing with my hair - I don't want to go back to chemically straightening it (or texturizing it), and weaves/wigs just aren't appealing to me. So, the simple answer is to chop it all off.

I polled a group of my friends on Friday at dinner and the general response was, "You can totally pull it off! Your head is so well-shaped for that, but..." And then, four separate people - a straight man, a gay man, and two straight women - told me that if I cut off all my hair men would be intimidated and not ask me out. Not because it would be unattractive, but because being with a girl who was liberated enough to essentially shave her head would not be appealing to them. WTF?! I know there is probably only one straight man reading this blog (if that), but really?! Is this really true? Can men really not handle dating a woman who doesn't have hair? I would've understood if the answer was "No, you'll look like shit or you'll look like a man" and that's why dudes wouldn't want to holler, but because it's intimidating?! Really?! Fuck life.

Someone else suggested that it could be a good weeding out mechanism, which makes sense, but I honestly like to believe that men wouldn't be emasculated by the choices I make with my hair. That seems so silly to me and makes me angry. Anyway, I just wanted to rant about something, so there you go. If there are any straight men out there who care to comment, please do. It would be much appreciated.