i was supposed to talk about my job...

... but then I got tipsy at said job, so I don't feel like it. Two glasses of wine and two cranberry Grey Goose jello shots (yes, they serve jello shots at our company happy hour.... classy, right? perfect for me!) and I'm feeling woozy. I kind of want another one, though. Maybe I'll go back downstairs and get something to help me sleep on the shuttle.

Anywho, in boy news... the Engineer is making me wait. God, I hate boys who make me wait, which really means that boys that make me wait always manage to keep my attention. That's exactly how I like it. I love a challenge and I'm totally ready to step my game up. Screwing around with Tech Guy is too goddamned easy. There's something about knowing you can get it whenever you want it that's just not fun. I like to push myself. So yeah, he's busy this weekend, all next week, and the next weekend. Which gives me the female equivalent of dating blue balls. He sent me the cutest e-mail, though, saying that he wanted me to know that he wasn't avoiding me but that it's just a busy time for him. And I actually believe him. So 10 days until we see each other again. And in the meantime I have Tech Guy and the Statistician to keep me company.

Most importantly, MB just moved here! YAY! For those of you who don't know, MB is my sorority sister and I love her to death and I'm so happy that she's living with us until she finds a place. I couldn't be happier. So yeah, me, her, and freshman year best friend are going out tonight. I'm stoked.

So that's my life thus far. I just have to fill the next 10 days with tons of shit and before I know it I'll be out on Date 2 with the Engineer.

Have a good weekend, ya'll!

not much to say.

I'm having bloggers block right now. I was thinking about writing about my parents, or adoption, or work. But I don't really want to talk about anything right now. I'm just kind of chugging along, waiting for the holidays, enjoying listening to Christmas music and having our little tree in our apartment. I also love how in EVERY building on this damn campus there's a tree. It makes me so happy! They're all lit and decorated and cute. I love the Christmas season - it's so pretty. It'll be weird (but infinitely better) without snow. Yay California!

Things to do --- get my nails and brows (and maybe hair) done before the holiday party next week. I'm really excited! I have to figure out what dress to wear. Or dresses, since I've been invited to other parties. Yay! I kind of like being arm candy.

Okay, back to work. I *so* want to leave at 4:30, but I'm not sure if I should.

every so often i'm reminded that i'm a woman.

I'm feeling really giddy right now and all because of a boy. I always put up this front of being this aloof, mysterious, stone-cold bitch. And in many ways I am. I'm perfectly fine with casual, meaningless sex. I don't like when men cling to me. I make people work pretty damn hard to get to know me and that'll probably never change. But when I meet someone I really like, I become this mushy ball of giddyness and while it makes me sick sometimes, it also shows me that I can feel something. That I'm able to connect with someone, to care about someone other than myself. And it's really nice and reassuring and it's the only reason I think that maybe, someday, I'll meet someone and be happy.

So anyway, the reason for this happiness is that the Engineer e-mailed me last night. I was getting so nervous. I hadn't heard from him in a while and I was scared that I'd misjudged the date, that he was just being nice and not really into me. But I think he's interested. He's playing it cool, but he said he had a great time and he has some ideas about some things we can do in the near future. Only problem is he has friends coming into town this weekend (which I knew... he mentioned it on the date), so we have to work out a good day/time. But the bottom line is he wants to see me again. That makes me happy. =)

So that's my little girly-girl moment. Tonight I'll return to my usual cold-hearted, sex-obsessed self as I have another 'date' with Tech Guy. Whew, I got scared for a moment. Back to normal. =P

a break.

Okay, I'm sick of thinking about men, so let's talk about something else. I had the weirdest dream last night that I was back in Manhattan working out of the New York office. I was taking the subway, the sun was shining and I was so happy to be there. But in the back of my head, I kept thinking that it was silly that I was in New York and I hadn't even lasted more than 3 months in California. So while I wanted to be there, I felt weird.

It's funny, I just don't know how I feel about SF yet. I'm starting to consider it home and part of me feels like I could be happy here permanently. The weather is gorgeous, I enjoy the city, there's some really great things to see and do here. Who knows, this could be my new home? I just know I'd miss people, though. My life is on the East Coast - high school, college, family. So if I stay here I'd have to create a new life, one that was just as fulfilling and exciting as the one I'm leaving behind. I just hope I have the strength to do that.

number 3.

So I had date number 3 last night. It was kind of awkward, but no more so than you would expect for two people who don't really know each other. Drinks were a good idea, because as we drank more there was more to talk about and it was cool. I'm not crazy attracted to him - he's cute in that Aryan, blond-haired, blue-eyed way. He was smart, funny, interesting. He wants to go out again and we've made plans for Wednesday, so I guess he finds me somewhat attractive and humorous. I was so drunk when I got home, though. He walked me to the bus stop and then I got home by myself. I could grow to like him, I think, but I definitely hope that the Engineer is interested, because I'm certainly interested in him. I've decided to look up some things we can do and shoot him an e-mail from my real e-mail address and see what he thinks. I'd love to see him this week, it would be fun. I need to find something where I can wear a dress... I feel like I should pull out all of the stops for this one.

I'll keep you posted.

this is very, very bad.

Fuck. Sorry, that's just my initial reaction whenever I meet someone I really like. But before I talk about that, let's roll back to Friday night. This weekend has been insane!

So on Friday, I get off the plane and I'm STARVING so I call up freshman best friend and he drives us out to the Sunset to get some Chinese food. After that we go back to his place were I get shitfaced drunk off of all the amazing drinks he makes. We had really strong white russians, followed by margaritas, followed by some really nasty citrus drink with gin in it (I HATE gin and not just because it reminds me of the banker... that shit is gross). So I'm drunk and I'm complaining about Tech Guy who's texting me the whole night - first he wanted to go out, then he wanted to invite me to a concert, then he starts pushing our booty call later and later, which pisses me off. So he tells me 12:30 he'll leave, so freshman best friend puts me in a cab and I go back to my place where I do a quick shower and shave and slip into this ridiculous lingerie even though it's fucking -20 in my apartment. Then he's all "I'm going to be late." To which I'm like HELL TO THE NAW. I get pissed, I think he can sense it so he rushes over to my apartment. We hook up and then he decides to stay the night cuz it's late and it makes sense. The next morning, I set an alarm. He asks if I want breakfast. I say no, I don't do breakfast. Then I tell him he has to get the hell out, so after some more fooling around, I give him the boot. And then literally 1 minute after he's gone, Blondie comes home with her mom and step-dad. Whew! I have the best timing ever. So I managed to get him in and out without any of the roommates seeing. Awesome!

Then I slept like all day, which made me 10 min late for my 2 pm museum date with the Engineer. I go to the MoMA to meet him, nervous as fuck. But I get there and he's already bought tickets (check one!) and he's cute and dressed really nicely (check two and three). Jeans, collared shirt, leather jacket - sigh, swoon. We wander through the museum for a couple of hours, chatting and getting to know each other. Then he suggests we do dinner - he's in the mood for sushi and I'm down, so we make reservations at this swank place near the Mission. We get arted out a little early so we decide to walk instead of cabbing it, which gives us some more time to talk. I learn more about him - he has a big family, all sisters, he seems very family oriented. Grew up with not a lot of money, but does well now. He's a structural engineer and does work with bridges and buildings. He's very well-spoken and sweet. Catholic, but definitely feeling the Unitarian thing (awesome!). He likes jazz and scotch and traveled a lot. He also did some backpacking in the mountains for a while. He plays guitar. He likes art. Jesus Christ, sign me up right now. I would date him in a heartbeat. Dinner was lovely - I even managed to not make a complete ass out of myself with chopsticks (I suck with them). He paid for everything - we had drinks and just more nice conversation, the place was really nice. I figured the date was over, but he was all "what do you wanna do next?" So I figure, I guess this is going well. So we go to the Mission and have more drinks at this pub. More conversation, we get a little bit more intimate, talking about our family and life and love and work and sex and everything. Then I pay for drinks (I felt bad... dinner had to be about 70 or 80 and the museum was like 20) and he's still game for doing stuff, but I want to go home, so he actually OFFERS TO TAKE THE BUS WITH ME AND GET ME HOME. OMG, that's it, I'm sold. So he rides home with me and walks me to my door. And we do the awkward "This is me" goodbye. We laugh at the awkwardness of it and he hugs me and he's all "If you ever want to explore North Beach or hang out and do something, let me know." And of course I give an enthusiastic - "I had a great time. I'd love to check out some jazz, etc etc." Oh man, I really really like him.

I'm so afraid though that he's not into me or whatever. I mean, we had a great time and it was 8 hours (from 2 pm til 10) and he seemed into it just from the way he was looking at me, but I don't know. Maybe I'm not cultured enough for him or maybe I was too dorky (I totally tripped in the middle of the date! EEEK) or maybe I was bad with chopsticks, who knows?! I just, ugh, want him to like me and now I'm going to be thinking about him. Good Lord, I'm just glad that there's men out there for me that are cultured and sweet and gentlemanly and attractive and not too dorky. So pray for me please! Because I could see myself with this one long-term.

pimpin' ain't easy.

Shit. I've somehow managed to overbook myself and I'm trying to figure out how the hell I'm going to fix this one. So I have three days - Friday, Saturday, and Sunday - in which to see three boys. Problem is they all have different scheduling constraints, which don't seem to be adding up. Tech Guy has Friday night plans, but free for the rest of the weekend. The Statistician has plans on Friday and Saturday. The Engineer and I have already settled on a Saturday museum and dinner date. So Statistician has to be seen on Sunday - no choice, which means that I either have to make Tech Guy a booty call or I have to double book. It's like one of those SAT puzzles and I'm hoping I can work it out without having to be sketchy. But since I am sketchy I might as well embrace it.

Since getting laid is priority numero uno, I had to take care of that one first, but I even managed to fuck that one up. Told Tech Guy we could do Sunday, but that fucks me over because I have to see the Statistician that day. So late last night, after a shot of tequila, a texas-sized margarita, and two strong amaretto sours, I had a drunken naughty convo with Tech Guy which resulted in the decision for me to come over at the very late hour of midnight on Friday after he's finished with his plans for a 'welcome back bedroom session.' I'll probably be staying the night, which sucks, but it's to be done. I'm going to have to hoof it out of there early morning before the museum date with the Engineer. We'll see how that goes.

So yeah, things are looking up. I don't think I can handle all of these scheduling conflicts and I'm just waiting for Tech Guy to initiate the 'so what are we? are you sleeping with anyone else?' conversation. I honestly don't know how I'd handle it. I mean, I have to be honest, but how honest do I have to be? Oh well, I'll be crossing that bridge when I come to it.

i look back on where i'm from, look at the woman i've become.

I called SF home today. Accidentally. It just slipped out. I was talking to one of my good friends as she dropped me off at the train station and I said "Well, I'll probably do it when I go home -- I mean back to California." Shit. SF is home for me now, I think it's finally kicked in, at least sub-consciously. Wow. Took long enough.

Anyway, thinking about how commitment-phobic I am and how SF is my future, I've been thinking about where I'm from and who I am and how I got that way. Wow that was a poorly structured sentence. But anyway, I have a long history of being afraid of people. When I was around age 3 til about age 5, I would go psycho in public places if I thought anyone was "looking at me." Literally, I would tug on my parents and beg to be moved so I could be somewhere away from anyone that wasn't my family member. When I was around 8, my mother, being the saintly woman that she is, enrolled me in a beauty pageant. I cried like a little bitch for the whole time, only stopping to go on and do my talents and have the judges read out info about me. It was probably the worst day of my childhood life.

Female role models - I only had my mother. She was the only other woman in the house - I have my three brothers and my father. So I guess I didn't really get socialized like a normal little girl. My mother tried, don't get me wrong, I had barbies and dolls and I was expected to help her out with everything, but I also liked doing things with the boys. And being Daddy's Little Girl, I pretty much did whatever the fuck I wanted anyway. My father rarely tells me no, partially because I know the right questions to ask and partially because I'm the only girl =P

As far as my mother goes, she's not your typical woman. Black womanhood is a funny thing, but I won't get into that now. My mother is insane and in proper tradition the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree (I love that expression!). My mother taught me at an early age that you can't trust anyone. No one. My mother hates people, she's said it several times, and to be honest, I kind of sort of hate people sometimes too. They always let you down and things are always shitty. You can't really rely on anyone but yourself, yada yada - you get it. My mother also taught me that the best way to do things is to just do it your own damn self.

I didn't grow up in a touchy-feely household. My parents have been together for 34 years, since my mom was 18, so I've always had a strong model of what a functional relationship looks like. But their relationship is very different from most. When I was a kid, my father worked lots of overtime and he would work 24 hours straight. I used to get so scared that he had died... and that my mother was the one who killed him. HAHA. Basically ever since I was old enough for my mother to confide in (oh, age 5 or so), my mother has talked about killing my father in pretty graphic detail. I think her most common plan was to chop him up in bits and stick him in a potted plant. Yes, that's the relationship model I have. My parents tell each other everything, they're really close, and you can tell they love and respect each other. But they're not affectionate and they're sarcastic and mean to each other. So that's what I'm like with men and even with my friends. That's how I show love. I'm not comfortable with being touched, because I wasn't touched very often as a child. We don't hug, we don't kiss, we don't say I Love You. We just don't do those things. I know my mother and father love me because there's food on the table, a roof over my head, cable on the television, and clothes on my back. I know my mother and father love me because they nearly bankrupted themselves giving me an Ivy League education. I know my mother and father love me because they haven't killed me over the stupid, senseless shit I've done. So for me, words and physicality don't really convey anything but desire.

I kiss and hug as an expression of desire. Not as an expression of emotion. That's how I can get away with sleeping with people I don't care about. Because sex is an expression of a physical need for me. I don't let anyone get close because that's not the background I come from. Because I get uncomfortable at the thought of letting someone see my soul. Because I'm damaged, I'm flawed, and it's not pretty. And you probably don't want to see it. This blog is the one place in my life that I've been honest and even here, I don't reveal everything. I guess I'm just afraid that if you saw me for what I really am - the amoral, cold, unfeeling creature that I was born or made into - that you would run away. That you'd be frightened. That you would think I was a monster. And you know what, maybe I am. So for now, I'm going to just keep that part to myself.

p.s. ~ if you now where my title comes from, you're awesome!

p.p.s. ~ these entries are always the hardest to write, i want to delete them immediately after i write them, but i'm doing this honesty thing and i'm trying really hard to keep it real.

fear.

I'm pretty well aware of what I'm afraid of and what I'm not. Or at least I thought I was. I've always been afraid of spiders. I don't know why, I don't like bugs in general, but spiders with their eight legs give me the creepy crawlies. I can't look at pictures of them, tarantulas terrify me (just typing that word gave me a chill), and I cannot kill them. I remember freshman year, there was one in our room and I ran around shrieking and jumping on furniture as my 5'1" less than 100 pound roommate took care of it. Then there's things I don't fear - like death. I could die tomorrow and it really wouldn't make a difference to me. I don't know, I don't see why people are so afraid of death. I understand fear of dying - that it's painful or whatever, but death, I don't know, to me it's just another step in the journey. Just recently I realized that I have this fear that I've been unwilling to admit to myself - this deep-seated fear of commitment.

I never thought I'd have this problem. I'm a woman, I'm supposed to crave commitment, seek it, search for it. And sometimes I do and then when I get close I start to panic. Like actually panic. Whenever Tech Guy gets too close, whenever he mentions anything like "wanna stay over" or "want to come to my holiday party" or "i'm going to be in your area on this date at this time" I freak the fuck out. My heart kind of races and I feel like I'm going to start sweating. I think I'm allergic to commitment. I always think that it's just that I'm allergic to the guy or something like that. But when it happens every time, with every guy, that's a pattern and it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.

I'm afraid. Afraid that I'll always be alone, that I'm a slave to my independence, to my selfishness, to my narcissism. Because I panic anytime anyone gets too close. I can feel the walls around my heart go up whenever anyone tries to get too intimate. I can have sex with anyone. Seriously, I can. It's not hard, it's just your body. You can disconnect and it's almost like you're not even there. But I can barely get close to anyone emotionally. It's ironic and creepy to me. And I don't understand it. I want to change, but I just can't. I'll start breaking out in hives or something.

I used to be really into psychology and there's this theory on the primal wound, the idea that separating a mother and their child from birth creates this wound that never heals. I know it sounds like mumbo jumbo psychobabble, but maybe there's some truth to it. Maybe I'm destined to be alone and unable to connect for the rest of my life because of this separation. There's a lot of adoption theory around this idea. Who knows? God help the first man to fall for me. He's certainly going to have a rough time of it.

working from new york.

Currently writing from the New York office of my company. It was so exciting to relive the summer I worked in Manhattan. I kind of like getting on the train and then the subway, rushing through the throngs of busy, hectic New Yorkers all trying to get to work. It's a little more formal here. Not by much, but definitely not the slacker uniforms I see over in Silicon Valley. It's kind of nice. I missed men in suits =)

I don't know if I'd want to work here permanently, though. It's much smaller than the CA office and the food choices are limited. But, I'm still loving being in New York and having that New York lifestyle. I miss the city and my friends so much, but what really shocks me is how much I miss California. I chatted up Blondie this morning and we were talking about how much we miss each other. So while I love it here and I'm excited to be back, I must be getting acclimated to California. I miss the weather for one. I also miss my familiar routine and my apartment and having privacy. It'll be nice to go back. If only I could transplant my friends and my family from NY to CA I think I'd be happy. But, apparently I can't have both. It's either one or the other.

I'm still in transition, I still don't really have a home, but I like that California is slowly starting to feel more like home. I know I'm always going to be a New York girl. As long as the people I care about the most reside on the East Coast, I'm never going to be completely at home on the West, but I'm getting there. Slowly but surely I'm adjusting. It feels nice.

things i've forgotten, things i remember.

1. It is really fucking cold in this place. I'm currently curled up in bed, praying for warmth. I definitely forgot that on the East Coast November is practically winter. Whoops!
   
2. I forgot how much my mother likes to talk and ask questions. It's refreshing and I miss it, but if she asks me about the boy situation again I'm going to have a conniption. I'm clearly not going to tell her the truth and I think she knows this, so she should stop asking. When I have a ring on my finger, then I'll be open about my relationships.
3. My cat intrigues me! She's nicer than I remember her being.
4. I'm seeing my friends today and I couldn't be more excited.
5. I decided not to contact the Banker, which was a hard decision to make. But then I remembered how shitty he made me feel at various stages of our involvement or whatever you want to call it. I don't think he's a bad person and I don't have any hard feelings towards him, but I think it's just time to move on with life. I'm sure I'll want to see him and catch up at some point (I mean, I kind of still do), but I think for now I'm okay with not trying. Maybe the next time I'm in this fair city, I'll give him a call or shoot him an e-mail. For now, though, I'm perfectly content with enjoying NYC on my own terms and not giving him the chance to somehow ruin this vacation for me. I think that's the healthiest decision about men I've made in a while. Good for me.
6. I really need to get my eyebrows done. It's a little out of control. But that would require me getting out of bed and at present moment, I don't think I can do that.

That's all!

traveling.

Unlike most people, I really really really enjoy being in the airport. It's just so relaxing to me, I don't know why. I like sitting on my computer in a corner close to an outlet and reading, writing, or listening to music. It's really therapeutic. Traveling alone makes me feel liberated. I really like places where being alone is okay and the airport is definitely one of those places. You can go in the bar and grab a drink by yourself, sit down in a restaurant, or just daydream in the waiting area.

I'm really excited to go home. I have so many plans already and it seems like 5 days is wayyyy too short to do everything I want to do, especially since I'll be working for three of those. But, I'm still grateful for the time I'll get and I'll be back in month for a real vacation. So that's an exciting prospect.

In other news, I have date plans for when I get back with a new boy. Another engineer. Yum. I'm pretty excited and hoping that maybe some sort of spark will fly. He seems really forceful and proactive, so I'm wishing for the best. Still haven't decided if I'm going to shoot The Banker an e-mail to do lunch or something. I really want to but then I kind of don't, but I know if I don't do it now, I'll never have another shot since I can't do it during the holidays and after that I probably won't be back to NY for another 10 months. So I may as well just suck it up and do it. I'll report back, of course.

I just have to say that I'm obsessed with Baby Jane (that's my new iPod touch... named after the classic movie "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?") --- I can download history channel specials on her, adding to the list of things I can do in the airport. And she's really pretty. Yes, I know I'm weird, but if men can name their penises, I can name my electronic devices. So there =P

i think i'm getting sick.

Today sucked. But the one good thing is I finally got my hair done and I look like less of a hot mess. So my mother won't flip her shit when she sees me. Didn't have time for the nails and eyebrows, but that shit is cheaper in NY anyway. I left work early amid a stream of work that I somehow managed to finish, which was awesome. I was supposed to go out with Blondie (my roommate), but I'm not feeling up to it. That's right, I am not in the mood for alcohol or socializing with rich boys in the Marina. Something must be up...

I don't know. I feel shitty today. Like things are starting to overwhelm me. I really want to get on top my shit, both at the job and in my personal life, but it's rough. Work is getting busy and that's good because I have the chance to really prove myself, but I have to make sure that I don't fuck anything up. I need to get my social life in gear. I figure I need to just do my best to get out and do things. IMy really good friend is moving here soon and I'll have another outlet to be social. I'm in some meetup groups and I've got friends from work, the roommates, Tech Guy. All in all, I should be able to make that happen. Boys are stressful, but they're always going to be that way so I just need to suck it up and deal.

I hope I'm not actually getting sick because I feel like my body is sort of failing me. And that's not what I need right now. Luckily, this week is light and then next weekend I'll be back in SF and able to do my thing and organize my life. So I'm really looking forward to that.

Sorry for the rambling, I'm just in a weird state of mind tonight.

blast from the past.

So I'm going back to NY tomorrow. I'm really excited, I love my home and my family and my friends more than words can express. Even though it's not really a vacation (I only have 2 days when I'm not working), I'm still really excited and it'll be nice to be away from the office for a while, even if it's just to go to another office.

I've been thinking about who I want to see while I'm back. I've already my plans with the HS folks and happy hour with some friends. I have lunch plans with one of my favorites and of course I'll see my parents. But whenever I think of NYC and the people I know there, I think of The Banker, who may possibly be one of two guys I've cared about in my life. I've hooked up with a lot of people I didn't give a shit about and I expect that will continue as I get older. But, this one was different. I almost wish we hadn't have gotten into it because then I'd still have that friendship and things would still be normal between us. It feels almost wrong to be in Manhattan and not try to contact him in some way. Except I know that it's probably a mistake, because he's notoriously flaky and weird and I just don't know. I haven't seen him in three months, though, and it would be great to catch up and hang out and have fun and drink and reminisce about how awesome school was. But in some ways I know it's unhealthy because try as I might I have yet to find a man that makes me feel the way he made me feel. No one has captured my attention in quite the same way. I miss the sparks, the animosity, the witty banter. Because even though he was so wrong, in many ways it just felt right. I don't think about him that much anymore, but every so often something will happen that'll remind me. I hate that there was never the appropriate level of closure.

I don't know what to do. It's too complicated.

back from psycho-land.

Okay, thankfully I can breathe now and everything's all right. The situation got resolved, I cornered my manager and we had a meeting. I wasn't able to get through all of my points, but we had a constructive discussion and it was awesome. I'm happy. I feel much better and it's all good. Of course, I'm still super-excited about being in NYC next week and getting away from Cali. Yay!

So I'm starting to get a little nervous about this whole boy thing. I went over to Tech Guy's last night for sex (well, I'm being honest, that's what I went over for). It took like 2 hours to get to him from work, but he picked me up and drove me to his apartment. I met his roommate (he lives with women), which was less awkward than it could have been. But definitely makes me wonder what he tells people about me. We chatted with her for a bit while I had some bourbon and coke. Then off to his room. I'm just scared that this shit is going too fast. I don't feel emotionally attached, at least not during the day or anything, but when we're in bed it's different. I'm trying to find a way to keep on the right side of the line. Luckily, he knows I'm coldblooded (he's called me that several times... haha), but I feel like he's still trying to work on me. Getting a little more affectionate, offering to cook for me, yada yada. I'm not getting sucked in, but every time I see him I actually start to let him get a little bit closer.

Last night I told him I was adopted. Jesus Christ, I don't know why the fuck I did that --- this is why I don't do pillow talk. That's exactly where they get you ::visualizes Dave Chappelle screaming "Gotcha Bitch!":: So basically I'm glad that I'll be in NY for a week and won't see him. It means I'll get to disconnect and he'll get to disconnect and it'll be nice. I was listening to my new iPod (which I call Baby Jane) and this song came on and the lyrics made me think of myself:

"I do not trust
So I cannot love
And I would not dare
To open up..."

Yes, that's me. I know it's going to become problematic at some point, but right now it works.

In other news, I've been chatting with a new boy that could be promising. So hopefully I'll have more to talk about soon. We'll see.

i really want to beat the shit out of someone today.

Have you ever been in a blind rage? Like literally so angry at someone or something that you could feel that permeate through your whole entire body until you can barely function. Well, yeah, that was today for me. As I've been saying work has been stressing me out like nobody's business for a bit now. I had been feeling disconnected, disjointed from my team and that was starting to effect my feelings about my job. Note: no matter what I say here, I love where I work, I like what I do, and things have been getting better (up until today). Right now, though, I'm just frustrated.

Met with the manager last week and he said there was a communication problem - he was unsure of what I was doing and I wasn't being clear what projects I was working on. He was waiting for me to take more initiative and jump right in and find something I'm passionate about and get to it. I agreed with everything he said. He said my work was very good and detailed and fast, but that I needed to be more forceful. This is a problem I've had forever - I'm good at most things I try my hand in, but I'm shy as fuck and that makes it really goddamn difficult to get noticed sometime. So I took what he said, internalized it, and decided to try a game plan to get better. I talked with my friends and got some advice and scheduled a follow up meeting today.

So one of my co-workers has a meeting with him beforehand. She's well aware that I have a meeting with him right after her and that I have lots of important things to talk about. 10 minutes pass after I'm supposed to be in there. That's fine - she got in there late, I expected this. Then another 10. Then another 10. Then about 45 min pass and I'm like WTF. In that time I keep walking to the door, standing there, and then walking back to my desk about 7 times. Finally our admin is like "oh, you haven't gone in already?" Then I'm advised that when that happens I should just knock on the door and interrupt. At this point, it's too late, but I knock anyway and ask if we should reschedule. My coworker is all 'sorry' while my manager is all 'next time you should knock and interrupt' - Immediately after this exchange I want to punch someone in the face. I got so angry I could feel my blood boil.

It's like I'm completely unimportant to the team, like my work doesn't matter, like no one notices me. I just feel like why am I here. I like my job and I like what I'm working on, but it's as if I don't exist. And I have no guidance about what I should be doing. And when I try to improve, what happens? NOTHING. I get forgotten and screwed over. And this makes me annoyed, upset, and angry. I'm mad at coworker for eating up my time and mad at him for not taking it as seriously as he should have. So watch out! I'm a real live wire today. Thankfully I'm headed over to Tech Guy's after work, so maybe he can make me feel better or at least make me forget for a little bit how shitty I feel right now.

Jesus, I think I might cry. This is rare. And horrible.

i've been a very, very bad blogger.

I have to apologize - I've been sucking in the field of blogging right now because work is picking up and I'm busy ALL THE TIME. I love it, but it's seriously cramping my blogging style. I can't do these half-assed, evening entries. This is just bullshit.

On the work front, I think shit is getting better. Thank God. I talked to some of my friends (thanks, friends!) and I kind of came up with a plan for how to make things better. So I'm super excited about that. Hopefully things will work out fine.

I cannot wait to go home. Spending a week in Manhattan/Long Island is going to be fucking amazing. I plan on drinking and spending money New York-style. When I'm back during Christmas I'm going to go fucking bananas. Bottle service, the works. But, for this trip, I'll have to be a little frugal =(

Supposed to see Tech Guy tomorrow... we'll see where this is going. A conversation between us:
(talking about taking the bus to his place)
he: what times?
me: umm, probably around 6:45 it would get in
he: what time does it leave in the morning?
me: i didn't check the morning. are you inviting me to stay over?
he: if you ever wanted to

... silly boy, doesn't he know that I don't do the overnight thing?

stressed and depressed.

Okay, not really depressed, but it rhymes, so I'm sticking with it. Things have been rough today. I was in a pissy mood this morning and spent the shuttle ride listening to Billie Holiday and Norah Jones. I don't know what it is - people were annoying me, life was annoying me. Work is stressing me out (I'll write an entry on that if I ever have the time or energy) and I have some issues going on right now in my personal life. It all seems to always be fucked up. But work and men are always at the front of my mind. And right now I don't know what the hell is up with either of them. I'm getting laid. And he's into me, really into me. I'm still not happy though. I'm just biding my time, hoping that something comes along that makes me feel. Because right now all I have is work, which is making me feel lost and confused.

Shit, I can't wait to go home. 4 fucking days and I'm back on the East Coast. Praise the Lord.

stone cold.

I am frequently amazed at how unorthodox my views on sex are. Especially for a woman. I don't know what it is, maybe my hedonistic personality or utter inability to connect with men in a meaningful way. Who knows?

I saw Tech Guy on Friday night, and by saw I mean hooked up with, and by hooked up with I mean slept with. Um, yeah. While I'm still not uber-attracted to him during the day, it's kind of like that old quote - "All cats are gray in the dark." And I think the two of us might have an arrangement going on. I'm a little afraid he's going to want to, I don't know, see me during daylight hours for meals and movies and shit. Which I'm fine with occasionally, but I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I'm just not. That's the thing about me - it's really easy to get me in bed. Sex is so surface to me. I mean, I take sex seriously and I certainly wouldn't sleep with anyone that I think would be violent or diseased, but honestly, I've never really been in awe of sex. It's a means to an end. And so if I'm even partially interested in a man, I'll sleep with him at whatever point feels comfortable - first date, third date, three months in. Whenever. However, what I don't give freely is my heart. That shit is just scary to me. It would take a really amazing guy to make me want to give up my independence, my freedom, my privacy.

I've always found it really to detach myself from sex. Me during sex and me during real life are totally different. And I noticed it immediately after I got out of bed with Tech Guy. For me, the second he puts his pants back on, I've already mentally and emotionally checked out. It's over and done with. I don't want to cuddle, I don't want to be all affectionate and lovey-dovey. I want you to grab your keys and your wallet and drive me the fuck home. I don't want to stay the night, I don't want you to make me breakfast. I just want to sleep in my own bed. Alone.

And the answer to your question is yes. I know I'm a cold-hearted bitch and I like it that way. Eventually I'll change, but right now I'm 22 and I'll never be this young or this free ever again. I plan on enjoying it.

pleasantly surprised.

I've been so fucking lame lately. I went to bed at like 10 pm for most of this week, which pretty much qualifies me as a grade A loser. But I'm hoping to rectify that this weekend.

I don't know if I'm giving off some intense hormones or whatever, but both of the guys I'm "seeing" have expressed a burning desire to see me naked. Which is making me pretty happy right now. This is unchartered territory for me. Must proceed with caution. I was pretty much going to give tech boy up because I just wasn't sure he was worth it. I mean, the attraction has been a little off and he contacts me a little more than necessary, but I was very impressed by the chutzpah he displayed last night. Let me make one thing clear - I love when men talk about sex. I love when they feel like they can ask me anything, when it's a conversation - playful yet intense at the same time. Yet, somehow, I always end up with the prudest motherfuckers on the planet. And I figured that this guy, being a tech nerd and slightly awkward, would be more of the same. But no, he's actually a complete and total horndog. Which of course intrigues me. I don't know - I have an abnormal love and appreciation for all things inappropriate. And so I'm going to give him a try. I think I may have just successfully created my very own booty call. I really don't want a relationship with him --- it would take something really special for me to care enough to settle down--- but I can settle for some meaningless, casual sex every once in a while. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Then there's Mr. Clean - who *also* texted me today and wants to hang out ASAP. Unfortunately I'm booked for the weekend, so I'm thinking Monday night after work would be a really great time to... well, whatever we end up doing. Although, I don't have high hopes. I couldn't possibly get lucky twice. But, I'm not ruling it out yet.

Maybe dating is more fun than I thought it would be.
At the very least, I'll have lots of stories...

high as a kite.

Unfortunately I mean that in the 'high on life' sense. This weekend was good, so I guess I'm at an upswing in my emotional pendulum. Having a friend visit is always a ton of fun. And it was nice to just relax and hang out with someone that knows me well. I also love going out in the Mission. I think it's my favorite spot for nightlife. Drunken Mexican food at midnight is my new thing. Soooo good.

I also miss frank discussions about sex and sexuality. Which is why I have to make it over to the Center for Sex and Culture or whatever the fuck it's called. I mean, since I'm not having any sex I might as well surround myself with sex education. No, I'm not bitter. Not a bit. Speaking of that, I have to try and reschedule with Mr. Clean - I think another round of flirty text messages is in order. As far as Tech Guy goes (if I live in Silicon Valley for long, I'm going to have to start coming up with better nicknames than that), I'm going to *grudgingly* give him another chance to prove that we could work. But, like BFF said - we're not exclusive and I can do whatever the fuck I want. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Other things in my life right now: this week is busy. Salsa dancing lessons tomorrow at work, Nightmare Before Christmas 3D with the roomies on Thursday, drinks/dancing with a group of girls on Fri, and College Roomie is coming to visit. In between all that I'm going to try and squeeze in 3 dates and a ton of writing time. I've been so stagnant with my writing. Even this entry sucks because my mind is jumbled and I'm not on my A game. I promise to step it up a notch, but for whatever reason, my mind is kind of blank.

Back to work. Well, gym and the work.

tech guy, date 1.

So yeah, updating on the date. Let's see. What can I say? It was the perfect date. Like absolutely perfect... except I think it was with the wrong person. You know how sometimes you're in a certain situation and everything is amazing and it's great and wonderful, but you wish you were there with different people. It was kind of like that. And I feel bad, because he's really really really nice (wayyyy too nice to be subjected to the kind of person I am) and so I feel bad even blogging about this, but I promised to be honest with you, so I'm being honest.

I just wasn't attracted to him and I don't know if I can get over that. But even beyond that, I just don't know if we have the same dating style and if he's what I want as far as relationships go. Let's just set the record straight - I don't really like romance. Or at least not romance in the traditional sense of the word. I find it romantic when a guy makes fun of me shamelessly, when he teases me, when he always has a witty or sarcastic comeback. When he doesn't allow me to dominate him, when he doesn't make me the center of his world. I like when a man tells me to shut the fuck up when I need to be told to shut the fuck up. I like it when a man knows, accepts, and LIKES the fact that I'm going to call him out on his bullshit. That if he says something fucked up, I'm going to tell him just how fucked up it is and why. I want a man who's going to fight back. I don't mind when men give in to my desires, but I want them to make me work for it. I don't want to be worshiped or adored - it makes me uncomfortable because like most painfully self-aware people, I know that I have some serious flaws. I want the man I end up with to love me for those flaws, not act like they don't exist. He needs to know that I'm going to drink, swear, and be incredibly vulgar at almost all times. And he has to be willing to give that right back to me. I believe in the art of show, not tell. Show me you care, don't tell me. Words are just that, words. I want action. I don't like 'nice' - I like honest.

But I digress, I'm supposed to be talking about the date. Okay, on paper this guy is amazing. He has his own company, a good job, a car, friends in the city. He took me to a fancy restaurant, there was no question that he was going to pay. He bought me drinks, drove me across the Golden Gate Bridge to look at the city. It was beautiful. He was intelligent, witty, he was fine with my drinking and foul language problems, he made enough sexual innuendos to let me know that he has a penis and likes to use it, but something was just off. I just wasn't physically attracted. Had those words and those actions come from any other man, I probably would've thrown myself at him. But I just couldn't. And I don't know if I can get over it. I hate to be superficial, and I know I'm no beauty queen, but still. I just wasn't feeling it. In addition to that, he's way too eager. He texted me after the date (as in that night... even though he drove me to my apartment, so he knew I got home safe) about setting up another date. He texts and IMs me pretty frequently and it's just too much for me. I feel like I'm being bombarded. And I know that this guy would treat me right. I know he would be adoring and doting and attentive. But I don't know if I want that. The fact is I'm looking for something different, something exciting. I kind of like the thrill of the chase, of not knowing what the other person is thinking, of having to work for it. I don't like things that come easy. And this is just a little too easy. I don't know, what do you think? Should I give him a second chance? See if I can see it happening? I'm so confused...

okay, change in plans!

Wow, so I'm super excited. One of my sorority sisters just called me because she's coming up to San Francisco to interview for a job on Monday and figured why not come and visit me tomorrow! Which excites me, because I love her and I hope she moves out here permanently! I'm even willing to give up the possibility of getting some just to hang out with her! That's right, I'm rescheduling my date with Mr. Clean (I'm calling him that because he's bald and I'm a bitch). So I'm going to try and see him sometime during the week because I know I won't be sleeping with my date tonight (I don't know if I care enough to give him a nickname at present moment) and I'm not giving up hope with him just yet. I hope he doesn't think I'm blowing him off because I'm not interested. Hmm. We'll see.

So yeah, that's what's up. I had other shit to say, but I don't feel like it right now.

Okay, bye!

--CJ

everything is topsy-turvy.

My love life is complicated. It's been this way ever since childhood. I have the most fucked up sexual history on earth. I think the only people that might even have a clue how messed up it is is my Female Sexuality class because even my friends don't know. Men have walked in and out of my life, but always in strange ways and they've always been few and far between. I never really rounded the bases like a normal girl, I took them all out of turn. So tell me why all of a sudden I feel like my love life is exploding? Every time my phone goes off, I honestly don't know who it could be.

I've been seeing this guy. I'm using "seeing" pretty loosely - we've been on two dates, one dinner date and he came over another time, but we've been communicating for the past month or so. I'm lukewarm about him. He's not really my type - not "intellectual" enough for me (yes, I know that makes me sound like a snot. I don't give a shit), he's bald (haha, that makes me laugh), and he's definitely not aggressive enough for me. I really just want to hook up, but he's making me wait. I feel like the man in the relationship. I desperately just want to rip his clothes off, but that's not my style. I like for men to be the aggressors. So every time we hang out I get the female equivalent of blue balls and I can't handle it anymore. But all of a sudden, he's all up in my grill ALL THE TIME. We've spent several nights texting back and forth, and recently it's been getting slightly sexual, which gives me hope. He always asks what I'm doing and even texted me after the earthquake we had here the other day. So maybe he's interested. And maybe when I go to his apartment this weekend, he'll put some kind of move on me. Honestly. I'm not some delicate little flower -- I need a man who knows what he wants and takes it. That's hot. Moving at the pace of a fucking snail - NOT HOT. So, he's my Sunday night, we'll see how it goes. I'll be sure to report back.

Now for my Friday night. Another online dating find (remind me to tell you how much I hate dating AND online dating - I'd really rather have my eyelashes plucked out one at a time than go on another 'first date'). This one is way more my speed. He's smart, he works in tech, and he has his own start-up. Nothing gets me hotter than an ambitious man. I mean, really. I think it's the sexiest thing on Earth. Another plus is we've already had the sex discussion. Well, not 'the' sex discussion so much as we had a long convo about S&M. So he's clearly not squeamish about sex. Thank God. Physically, he's not really my type. And he's been contacting me a little more than I'm comfortable with, but I guess that means he's into me for now. Although he did mention something about getting me flowers, which made me want to vomit. I hate flowers. A LOT. They just die. If you want to buy me something I'll use, how about a bottle of Jack? Or sexy lingerie? At least I can use that and maybe we can both get some enjoyment out of it. Anyway, we're doing dinner and a movie this Friday night. Wish me luck!

Saturday night should be nice and low-key. I'm hanging out with my Freshman Year Drinking Buddy - one of my favorite people on Earth to drink with. The two of us have had some really fun times and he knows how insane I am, so I don't have to hold back. I'm hoping there's some dive bars in our plans for Saturday - I love cheap alcohol. So that's my weekend in a nutshell.

Now I should go back to work. I started this entry around 10 and it took like 4 hours to finish. What the hell?

-- CJ