Sadly, I don't really feel like writing this entry, but I'll try and come up with something decent. I already kind of feel like my new year has started. When I moved to California, that was my new year. That was my brand new start. 2007 saw so much change in my life and I don't think that January 1, 2008 will bring that kind of change.
I graduated from college, which was monumental. I moved across the country to San Francisco, to live with two people I didn't know and work in an industry I was unsure I would fit into. I struggled with being alone in a foreign place, but I managed to find ways to make myself happy. I reconnected with Freshman Year Best Friend, my good friend MB moved to the city, and I grew closer to my roommates. I started online dating and injected a fresh dose of man drama into my life. I got over old crushes and developed new ones. Of course, there were downsides. I struggled with leaving New York and the East Coast. I was incredibly lonely in SF and I had some troubles with my job and the program I'm in. I entered into this whacked out friends with benefits relationship with a man that I'm unsure of - unsure of how I feel, how he feels, what it is we're doing. I missed people terribly. It was hard, but it was good and it was a learning experience. I gained a sense of independence - both financially, emotionally, and physically. It's really quite liberating to make your own money and pay your own way and be everything for yourself. I like it.
2008 should be another good year. I have some ideas for what I'd like to do. I must, must, must lose weight as priority number one. I want to take better care of my appearance - regular mani/pedis, getting my eyebrows, nails, and hair done. I want to dress better. All superficial, it seems, but those kinds of things are important. I want to focus on my career - both at my job and my future as a lawyer. I need to study for the LSAT, I need to figure out where I want to go, and I also need to figure out how to get what I want at work. And lastly, I need to work on my 'relationship style' or whatever. I want things to happen with the Engineer and I just have to go out on that ledge. I can already feel my feelings wane as I let time pass, so I'm sure his are as well. I need to be more aggressive. I need to figure out what I want from the men in my life and go about making it happen. That's the only way I'll truly be happy. So those are my three big things to work on in 2008. Looks, career, and love. It's a small list, but it's still ambitious. We'll see how it goes!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
reliving the past.
Last night, I spent the evening in Manhattan with two of my favorite high school friends. It reminded me so much of this past summer where I practically lived with JB - hanging out with him and his bro, drinking and running around the city. It was just as much fun last night. Dinner and a discussion of my inability to break free from Tech Guy started off the night. Then some drinks at his apartment followed by heading over to the Meatpacking District to dance at G2, this spot we used to frequent. Of course we were the darkest motherfuckers on the planet there, but we had a good time dancing without giving a shit what anyone had to say. Then I bounced and went back to LI.
While in the lounge I heard two songs in a row that reminded me of Mock Trial and the Banker. I know I've talked about the Banker in my old blog and personal friends know of him but the quick story is this. The Banker and I went to school together and had a long flirtation followed by a brief fling. He was one of the only men at school that actually managed to hold my attention and the way things fell out, I got pretty burned and bitter and awful. It was not a pleasant experience, but I've always cared for him even though I acted like a hellion when things went sour. He now works as an i-banker in NYC and I always toy with the idea of calling him up when I'm there, but I decided against it in November.
Anyway. I just decided to text message him while I was riding the train home cuz I needed something to distract me from the drunkards on the train and Tech Guy had gone to bed hours earlier. So I told him I'd heard his favorite song and thought I'd say hey. We texted back and forth for about 30 min - chatting, making fun of each other, the usual banter. I may try and catch up with him on Monday or Tuesday. We'll see how ambitious I feel. But the thing is, even if he pulls his normal flaky shit I think I'll be fine because I've finally moved on with my life. Plus I already have two men giving me grief, the last thing I need to do is rehash the past. So if the mood strikes me, I'll put in the effort. If not, I won't. Wow, that's refreshingly healthy for me.
New Years recap and resolutions post to follow tomorrow!
While in the lounge I heard two songs in a row that reminded me of Mock Trial and the Banker. I know I've talked about the Banker in my old blog and personal friends know of him but the quick story is this. The Banker and I went to school together and had a long flirtation followed by a brief fling. He was one of the only men at school that actually managed to hold my attention and the way things fell out, I got pretty burned and bitter and awful. It was not a pleasant experience, but I've always cared for him even though I acted like a hellion when things went sour. He now works as an i-banker in NYC and I always toy with the idea of calling him up when I'm there, but I decided against it in November.
Anyway. I just decided to text message him while I was riding the train home cuz I needed something to distract me from the drunkards on the train and Tech Guy had gone to bed hours earlier. So I told him I'd heard his favorite song and thought I'd say hey. We texted back and forth for about 30 min - chatting, making fun of each other, the usual banter. I may try and catch up with him on Monday or Tuesday. We'll see how ambitious I feel. But the thing is, even if he pulls his normal flaky shit I think I'll be fine because I've finally moved on with my life. Plus I already have two men giving me grief, the last thing I need to do is rehash the past. So if the mood strikes me, I'll put in the effort. If not, I won't. Wow, that's refreshingly healthy for me.
New Years recap and resolutions post to follow tomorrow!
Saturday, December 29, 2007
i don't know what kind of girl i am.
I just saw the movie Juno the other day and I was thinking of that line. Juno's father says to her about her accidental pregnancy, "I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when," to which she replies, "I don't know what kind of girl I am."
I'm afraid that I've lost my way, my sense of self, my *morals* for lack of a better word (I don't actually believe I have any morals to speak of, but it's the only word that comes to mind).
I've always believed myself to be above emotion, above needing someone to care for me, to validate me as a woman, but I'm not so sure anymore. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I always say I don't need affection, don't need a man, don't need anything but me, myself, and I. However, I find myself continuing to fuck around with a man that I know isn't for me. Do I like him more than I let on? More that I want to admit to myself? Or am I playing along with this charade for the simple fact that I feel like there's nothing better? Although, there is something better, in the form of the Engineer. Or am I afraid that I'm not worth it, not intelligent, pretty, sexy, or good enough for a guy like that. Not that I think that Tech Guy isn't a good person, or a good man. But, I like the other one so much more that it's scary and when I get scared, I get shy and aloof. That's how you can tell if I really like a man. When I'm so paralyzed by fear that I can't approach him or move things along.
Or maybe I'm just depraved. It could be that. I've always had an abnormally high sex drive and maybe that's it. I like Tech Guy because I can get what I want from him, because we've established this comfortable pattern consisting of dirty text messages and naughty phone conversations. Because I know that with him I don't have to be some paragon of moral virtue, but I can be the slightly kinky girl that I've always been deep-down, but kept hidden because no one wants to be branded with the terms 'slut' or 'freak.' I thought we had defined what we were, but apparently I was mistaken. Because we're clearly not just 'friends.' I went out with some high school peeps last night, had a couple of drinks, and ended up exchanging a series of more-than-friendly text messages in which I told him how much I missed sleeping with him and he basically expressed the same sentiments. Fuck. I am so fucked. And I should be calling the Engineer, just to say hey, show him that I *really* like him, but I can't bring myself to do it. There's always timing problems and then there's my nerves and the fact that my heart leaps into my throat when I think about calling him. Because I think he's too good for me. I think I'm too fucked-up, too flawed, too imperfect to be with someone like him. And while I can present my best self on the dates we have, at some point, the real me is going to seep through. The me with the horribly vulgar mouth, who complains about anything and everything, the one with the contradictory personality - it's all just waiting to burst out and I'm scared that he'll run kicking and screaming when it does.
So what kind of girl am I? Am I the girl that's content to settle for what she thinks she can get? Or am I the kind of girl that's ready to fight for what she wants? Honestly, I have absolutely no fucking idea. I'll let you know when I figure it out.
I'm afraid that I've lost my way, my sense of self, my *morals* for lack of a better word (I don't actually believe I have any morals to speak of, but it's the only word that comes to mind).
I've always believed myself to be above emotion, above needing someone to care for me, to validate me as a woman, but I'm not so sure anymore. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I always say I don't need affection, don't need a man, don't need anything but me, myself, and I. However, I find myself continuing to fuck around with a man that I know isn't for me. Do I like him more than I let on? More that I want to admit to myself? Or am I playing along with this charade for the simple fact that I feel like there's nothing better? Although, there is something better, in the form of the Engineer. Or am I afraid that I'm not worth it, not intelligent, pretty, sexy, or good enough for a guy like that. Not that I think that Tech Guy isn't a good person, or a good man. But, I like the other one so much more that it's scary and when I get scared, I get shy and aloof. That's how you can tell if I really like a man. When I'm so paralyzed by fear that I can't approach him or move things along.
Or maybe I'm just depraved. It could be that. I've always had an abnormally high sex drive and maybe that's it. I like Tech Guy because I can get what I want from him, because we've established this comfortable pattern consisting of dirty text messages and naughty phone conversations. Because I know that with him I don't have to be some paragon of moral virtue, but I can be the slightly kinky girl that I've always been deep-down, but kept hidden because no one wants to be branded with the terms 'slut' or 'freak.' I thought we had defined what we were, but apparently I was mistaken. Because we're clearly not just 'friends.' I went out with some high school peeps last night, had a couple of drinks, and ended up exchanging a series of more-than-friendly text messages in which I told him how much I missed sleeping with him and he basically expressed the same sentiments. Fuck. I am so fucked. And I should be calling the Engineer, just to say hey, show him that I *really* like him, but I can't bring myself to do it. There's always timing problems and then there's my nerves and the fact that my heart leaps into my throat when I think about calling him. Because I think he's too good for me. I think I'm too fucked-up, too flawed, too imperfect to be with someone like him. And while I can present my best self on the dates we have, at some point, the real me is going to seep through. The me with the horribly vulgar mouth, who complains about anything and everything, the one with the contradictory personality - it's all just waiting to burst out and I'm scared that he'll run kicking and screaming when it does.
So what kind of girl am I? Am I the girl that's content to settle for what she thinks she can get? Or am I the kind of girl that's ready to fight for what she wants? Honestly, I have absolutely no fucking idea. I'll let you know when I figure it out.
Friday, December 28, 2007
stolen survey.
I stole this from Charly (thanks, Charly!) - typical end of the year survey! Enjoy!
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
I graduated from college!!!!! I also got a job at a pretty sweet company and moved across the country to California. I started dating. I stopped having one night stands… well after May, I did.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Hmm, have to dig back to the old blog for that. I definitely was great with keeping up with communication between me and my friends, I took some risks that paid off. However, still need to work on the confidence thing and the whole letting people in. Of course I’m making resolutions for next year. Stay tuned, I’ll blog about them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not anyone close to me, but the parent of a good friend.
5. What countries did you visit?
I went to the Bahamas with MB.
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Confidence, a healthy relationship with a man, more money.
7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May 27th – the day I graduated from college. August 27th – the day I started my first real full-time job.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Gainful employment, living on my own and not taking any more money from my parents.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Hands down, my thesis. It showed my utter lack of ambition and motivation in a way that was scary, yet somehow enlightening.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, I was actually the healthiest I’ve ever been – I haven’t gotten sick in like 2 years.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My iPod Touch, called Baby Jane. She keeps me company wherever I go (yes, that was creepy, but so am I)
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
College BFF. Love her. I have no reason why, I just do.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I’m not gonna answer that, cuz I’ll probably just lie or cop-out.
14. Where did most of your money go ?
Where it always goes – booze and meals out. LAME.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Graduating from school, moving to California, working at ******
16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Akon “Don’t Matter” – I LOVE that song.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? Hmm, I think I’m about the same. Maybe slightly happier in my independence. ii. thinner or fatter? Um definitely fatter. UGH. I’m starving myself for a week when I get back to Cali iii. richer or poorer? Richer!!!!! Finally damn it.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish there was more time… I wish I told my friends how much I care about them. I wish I was more honest with myself and others.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Complaining, moping about.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent it in New York with the family.
22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
No, but I have a serious case of like right now, which is good for me.
23. How many one-night stands?
Just one. A really, really good one – haha.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Toss-up between Pushing Daisies and Heroes.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don’t really hate anyone. If anything I feel like I’ve purged my life of those people that don’t need to be in it.
26. What was the best book you read?
I loved Sex with the Queen. (I would…)
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
OMG ALICIA KEYS ‘NO ONE’ – that shit is totally my wedding song.
28. What did you want and get?
Independence – it’s amazing.
29. What did you want and not get?
A boy. To not be ruled by my emotions.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Knocked up and Superbad were pretty good. So was Sweeney Todd.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 22 and I went to a white-trash themed bar in SoMA with MB, Freshman Year BFF, and my roomies. I got ridiculously wasted, came home and pretended I was a beetle and threw up everything I’d ever eaten into the toilet. It made me realize that I was too old for this shit, but at least I was old/responsible enough to take care of myself while drunk. Baby steps, people.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A relationship – no, a healthy relationship with a member of the opposite sex that didn’t solely hinge on sex or infatuation.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Cute yet comfortable.
34. What kept you sane?
All of my friends – both at school and high school.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I like Barack Obama.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
As always, women’s rights.
37. Who did you miss?
Everyone from college, my high school friends, my fam.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
My friend Kristine from work – she’s so cool!
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
That I have to do what I want to be happy. That I can’t follow social convention. That no one knows me better than me.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
--- Wicked.
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
I graduated from college!!!!! I also got a job at a pretty sweet company and moved across the country to California. I started dating. I stopped having one night stands… well after May, I did.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Hmm, have to dig back to the old blog for that. I definitely was great with keeping up with communication between me and my friends, I took some risks that paid off. However, still need to work on the confidence thing and the whole letting people in. Of course I’m making resolutions for next year. Stay tuned, I’ll blog about them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not anyone close to me, but the parent of a good friend.
5. What countries did you visit?
I went to the Bahamas with MB.
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Confidence, a healthy relationship with a man, more money.
7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May 27th – the day I graduated from college. August 27th – the day I started my first real full-time job.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Gainful employment, living on my own and not taking any more money from my parents.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Hands down, my thesis. It showed my utter lack of ambition and motivation in a way that was scary, yet somehow enlightening.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, I was actually the healthiest I’ve ever been – I haven’t gotten sick in like 2 years.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My iPod Touch, called Baby Jane. She keeps me company wherever I go (yes, that was creepy, but so am I)
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
College BFF. Love her. I have no reason why, I just do.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I’m not gonna answer that, cuz I’ll probably just lie or cop-out.
14. Where did most of your money go ?
Where it always goes – booze and meals out. LAME.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Graduating from school, moving to California, working at ******
16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Akon “Don’t Matter” – I LOVE that song.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? Hmm, I think I’m about the same. Maybe slightly happier in my independence. ii. thinner or fatter? Um definitely fatter. UGH. I’m starving myself for a week when I get back to Cali iii. richer or poorer? Richer!!!!! Finally damn it.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish there was more time… I wish I told my friends how much I care about them. I wish I was more honest with myself and others.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Complaining, moping about.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent it in New York with the family.
22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
No, but I have a serious case of like right now, which is good for me.
23. How many one-night stands?
Just one. A really, really good one – haha.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Toss-up between Pushing Daisies and Heroes.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don’t really hate anyone. If anything I feel like I’ve purged my life of those people that don’t need to be in it.
26. What was the best book you read?
I loved Sex with the Queen. (I would…)
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
OMG ALICIA KEYS ‘NO ONE’ – that shit is totally my wedding song.
28. What did you want and get?
Independence – it’s amazing.
29. What did you want and not get?
A boy. To not be ruled by my emotions.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Knocked up and Superbad were pretty good. So was Sweeney Todd.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 22 and I went to a white-trash themed bar in SoMA with MB, Freshman Year BFF, and my roomies. I got ridiculously wasted, came home and pretended I was a beetle and threw up everything I’d ever eaten into the toilet. It made me realize that I was too old for this shit, but at least I was old/responsible enough to take care of myself while drunk. Baby steps, people.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A relationship – no, a healthy relationship with a member of the opposite sex that didn’t solely hinge on sex or infatuation.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Cute yet comfortable.
34. What kept you sane?
All of my friends – both at school and high school.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I like Barack Obama.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
As always, women’s rights.
37. Who did you miss?
Everyone from college, my high school friends, my fam.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
My friend Kristine from work – she’s so cool!
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
That I have to do what I want to be happy. That I can’t follow social convention. That no one knows me better than me.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
--- Wicked.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
remember when?
I've been thinking a lot lately about all those things I used to want to do - as a child, as a middle schooler, in high school. I wonder what the hell happened to all of those things. I'm now 22 and I'm living a life I would've never imagined back in the day. Me, the epitome of New York, living in San Francisco, California. The girl who always wanted to be a lawyer is working in HR at a tech firm? Craziness. Don't get me wrong, I like my life and the twists and turns that it's taken. I like to get pulled by the tide, follow it where it takes me.
However, I'm all about resurrecting old things in the new year. 2007 was a pretty sweet year for me, but I'm ready to get back to the things that used to make me happy. I'm not ready to write out my resolutions, but there are a few things I keep thinking about. How happy writing used to make me, how much I want to be fluent in Russian, how I wish I was the athlete I used to be. All of those things need to be brought back in 2008.
So here's to the future. I'm excited about a new year. Excited about change.
However, I'm all about resurrecting old things in the new year. 2007 was a pretty sweet year for me, but I'm ready to get back to the things that used to make me happy. I'm not ready to write out my resolutions, but there are a few things I keep thinking about. How happy writing used to make me, how much I want to be fluent in Russian, how I wish I was the athlete I used to be. All of those things need to be brought back in 2008.
So here's to the future. I'm excited about a new year. Excited about change.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
i'm into havin' sex, i ain't into makin' love...
Sorry, I just got finished listening to that 50 cent song and that line is in my head. I've always loved that line. I think it's clever. And kind of true, at least for me at this moment. I'm going through sex withdrawal. Yes, it's only been like a week or something, but I kind of miss the easy access that Tech Guy provides. Nothing like knowing you can have it whenever you want it, however you want it. *sigh* Plus I have no idea what we are and I'm starting to get all mushy and sentimental. UGH. I hate that. But, he can be sweet sometimes. And I'm remembering all of those sweet moments. How he'll compliment me or tell me I'm sexy. How he knows that I absolutely positively HATE feet and he lets me keeps my socks on. I like that. It makes me giggle just thinking about it.
But then, there's the Engineer. I haven't spoken to him in exactly a week now and I know I have to call him or something. Show him that I'm interested. I've decided that the time has come to just swallow my pride and really go out on that limb. I mean, I think he's worth making a fool out of myself for, worth the effort and the time and the preparation. And I certainly wouldn't want him to walk away thinking that I didn't give a shit, so I'm going to try. I'm going to call him up tomorrow and just say 'hey' - you know, ask him about his holiday and all that jazz. We shall see. It's time for me to get serious. I've always been the type to know what I want and then promptly find a way to get it. I want him. So I'm going to do everything I can to make it a reality. Wish me luck.
But then, there's the Engineer. I haven't spoken to him in exactly a week now and I know I have to call him or something. Show him that I'm interested. I've decided that the time has come to just swallow my pride and really go out on that limb. I mean, I think he's worth making a fool out of myself for, worth the effort and the time and the preparation. And I certainly wouldn't want him to walk away thinking that I didn't give a shit, so I'm going to try. I'm going to call him up tomorrow and just say 'hey' - you know, ask him about his holiday and all that jazz. We shall see. It's time for me to get serious. I've always been the type to know what I want and then promptly find a way to get it. I want him. So I'm going to do everything I can to make it a reality. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas!
If you celebrate it, Merry Christmas! Today has got to be the laziest Christmas on record. I slept pretty much the whole day after our presents were opened. I got a lot of nice things - like matching pajamas! I always go to bed looking like a scrub, so I'm super excited about that. I got a couple of purses, a new wallet, and some Coach flats. I love that my mom works there now - it's fucking awesome. I got a lot of astrology gifts as well, which has me in the mood to get back into it. My brothers liked their gifts and I'm taking my mom to see The Color Purple tomorrow, which she's excited about. I'm still playing Alicia Keys' "No One" on loop. Seriously, ya'll, I'm obsessed with this shit.
I know I wrote about "breaking up" with Tech Guy in the previous post, but I'm not sure how much it's changed our dynamic. Last night, he texts me to tell me he's driving home and I text him back telling him I can't sleep. He calls ("I figured I should man up and pick up the telephone.") and we talk for over an hour while he drives back to San Francisco. ("Not on the phone with your new man?" he teases.) We talk about lots of different things - our plans for Christmas and the New Year. He tells me he got new bedding for Christmas, to which he adds - "maybe you can test it out if you ever come over again..." Later on he teasingly scolds me for not having been over in a while, telling me how turned on he's been lately and how I never visit anymore and how he always likes when I come over. Jesus, I've gotten myself into some real trouble. Because I'm totally still attracted to him. Not attracted like OMG he's so fucking hot or anything. But attracted in the way that he knows my body fairly well and he has the ability to get me hot in the snap of a finger. I don't know what to do. I mean, I want to go over there when I get back - like right when I get back. But then, I did this whole honesty thing because I want to get closer to the Engineer. I mean, I'm not really doing anything wrong, but somehow it still seems... off. I don't know what to do. All I know is that ever since I told him I'm seeing someone else, nothing has changed. We still flirt, we still talk just as much as we used to, and there's still that sexual charge. What's that saying? The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak... Yeah, that's it.
I know I wrote about "breaking up" with Tech Guy in the previous post, but I'm not sure how much it's changed our dynamic. Last night, he texts me to tell me he's driving home and I text him back telling him I can't sleep. He calls ("I figured I should man up and pick up the telephone.") and we talk for over an hour while he drives back to San Francisco. ("Not on the phone with your new man?" he teases.) We talk about lots of different things - our plans for Christmas and the New Year. He tells me he got new bedding for Christmas, to which he adds - "maybe you can test it out if you ever come over again..." Later on he teasingly scolds me for not having been over in a while, telling me how turned on he's been lately and how I never visit anymore and how he always likes when I come over. Jesus, I've gotten myself into some real trouble. Because I'm totally still attracted to him. Not attracted like OMG he's so fucking hot or anything. But attracted in the way that he knows my body fairly well and he has the ability to get me hot in the snap of a finger. I don't know what to do. I mean, I want to go over there when I get back - like right when I get back. But then, I did this whole honesty thing because I want to get closer to the Engineer. I mean, I'm not really doing anything wrong, but somehow it still seems... off. I don't know what to do. All I know is that ever since I told him I'm seeing someone else, nothing has changed. We still flirt, we still talk just as much as we used to, and there's still that sexual charge. What's that saying? The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak... Yeah, that's it.
Monday, December 24, 2007
in which i come clean (sort of).
Ladies and gentlemen, I finally did it. I had a serious heart-to-heart with Tech Guy in which we defined what we are and I told him that I'm seeing other people. It was about time and I really feel like the truth has set me free. There's a part of me that's sad a little bit and wonders how our relationship will change now - will we
still talk daily? How is it going to be when we're together again? Will he still be my cuddle buddy at the movies? Will he still touch me the way he always does? I'm not sure. I know if he doesn't, I'll miss it. But I also know that I want things to progress with the Engineer and I need to be honest for that to happen. And maybe now that I don't feel so guilty, I'll be able to finally put the moves on the Engineer and make something happen.
My friends kept saying I had to do it in person or over the phone, but during one of our daily internet chats, we started talking about life, love, sex, and relationships. That was when he gave me an in and so i took it. The highlights and my commentary to follow:
TG: I don't think we would have a good relationship, just not a good match.
(I'm not going to lie that kind of stung. For whatever reason, even though I'm not crazy into him and know we'd never work, no one likes being told that another person wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them.)
Me: no i don't think we're headed down the relationship path
TG: ha, yeah
Me: i mean, we're very different i think. and i don't know what i'm looking for.
(All truths... but then I decided to go for the bold move, which I rarely do)
Me: well, since we just had the 'we both don't think we'd be good in a relationship' convo... what exactly is our status? are we friends?
(I figured I should put the ball in his court first, feel him out before I went and gave away too much information. This way, I get an idea of how he's feeling and then I can tailor my answers to him. I'm sneaky... and manipulative, but that's another story...)
TG: I think we could still be friends
TG: I would rather just like hang out, have fun
TG: and then maybe some action
TG: or come over late at night
TG: I dunno, is that bad?
(Translation: I really don't want to deal with your drama, but I still want to bang you. --- works for me)
Me: no it's not bad. i can deal with that.
Me: how do you feel about me seeing other people?
(You see how I snuck that in right there?)
TG: I'm not right now
TG: but I did start looking, like today
TG: but you can
(Moment of truth, folks)
Me: i mean, i guess i just wanted things out in the open.
Me: i am seeing someone right now. well i've been out on dates - i haven't been sexual with anyone since we started hooking up.
TG: it's alright
TG: I mean we can end things
TG: whatever works best for you
Me: i don't know ... i mean, i don't really want to end things right now. i enjoy hanging out with you and our occasional hookups
(Translation: Now now, let's not be too hasty. I don't like to put all my eggs in one basket and as long as you're still getting me off, there's no need to rush off and end anything. I'll let YOU know when I've finally managed to get the other one into bed and *then* we'll reevaluate the situation.)
Even when I'm being honest, even when I'm trying my hardest to do the right thing, I'm still a selfish bitch. Gotta love it.
still talk daily? How is it going to be when we're together again? Will he still be my cuddle buddy at the movies? Will he still touch me the way he always does? I'm not sure. I know if he doesn't, I'll miss it. But I also know that I want things to progress with the Engineer and I need to be honest for that to happen. And maybe now that I don't feel so guilty, I'll be able to finally put the moves on the Engineer and make something happen.
My friends kept saying I had to do it in person or over the phone, but during one of our daily internet chats, we started talking about life, love, sex, and relationships. That was when he gave me an in and so i took it. The highlights and my commentary to follow:
TG: I don't think we would have a good relationship, just not a good match.
(I'm not going to lie that kind of stung. For whatever reason, even though I'm not crazy into him and know we'd never work, no one likes being told that another person wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them.)
Me: no i don't think we're headed down the relationship path
TG: ha, yeah
Me: i mean, we're very different i think. and i don't know what i'm looking for.
(All truths... but then I decided to go for the bold move, which I rarely do)
Me: well, since we just had the 'we both don't think we'd be good in a relationship' convo... what exactly is our status? are we friends?
(I figured I should put the ball in his court first, feel him out before I went and gave away too much information. This way, I get an idea of how he's feeling and then I can tailor my answers to him. I'm sneaky... and manipulative, but that's another story...)
TG: I think we could still be friends
TG: I would rather just like hang out, have fun
TG: and then maybe some action
TG: or come over late at night
TG: I dunno, is that bad?
(Translation: I really don't want to deal with your drama, but I still want to bang you. --- works for me)
Me: no it's not bad. i can deal with that.
Me: how do you feel about me seeing other people?
(You see how I snuck that in right there?)
TG: I'm not right now
TG: but I did start looking, like today
TG: but you can
(Moment of truth, folks)
Me: i mean, i guess i just wanted things out in the open.
Me: i am seeing someone right now. well i've been out on dates - i haven't been sexual with anyone since we started hooking up.
TG: it's alright
TG: I mean we can end things
TG: whatever works best for you
Me: i don't know ... i mean, i don't really want to end things right now. i enjoy hanging out with you and our occasional hookups
(Translation: Now now, let's not be too hasty. I don't like to put all my eggs in one basket and as long as you're still getting me off, there's no need to rush off and end anything. I'll let YOU know when I've finally managed to get the other one into bed and *then* we'll reevaluate the situation.)
Even when I'm being honest, even when I'm trying my hardest to do the right thing, I'm still a selfish bitch. Gotta love it.
Friday, December 21, 2007
long-ass stream of consciousness post written while traveling.
I’m writing from the plane, en route from Las Vegas to Long Island, New York. I can’t wait to be home. I’m sitting next to someone who is clearly violating the ‘keep your body parts on YOUR side of the armrest’ rule. Listening to Keane, typing away as my mind races.
I know I’ve mentioned before how much I enjoy traveling and the peace and serenity it brings me. Although I always start off rushing – rushing to pack, rushing to catch a cab, rushing to make it to the airport and, once there, making the final rush to get my baggage checked and push through security – but by the end of it, I have a decent amount of time to enjoy my own thoughts and sit at the airport and daydream, grab a drink and some food and chill the fuck out. Okay, this man’s arm is really bothering me. I knew he was going to be a pain in the ass the second he sat down next to me. FUCK. Why do I always choose the wrong seat? I’m in the middle of children-central and next to Mr. Inconsiderate over here. And I think we still have at least two hours left in the air. Jesus Christ.
Anyway.
I felt lonely the other day. Not lonely, I guess, but excluded. I’m not really good friends with the other people in my program, which doesn’t bother me most of the time because I work in a completely different building from the rest of HR, so I never really see anyone. However, when we’re all waiting for the bus and I feel like a 5th wheel – not so much fun. And my roomie (Blondie) is always trying to get chummy with people, which I commend her for, but literally we saw some of our fellow employees outside and she just took off running after them without so much as a goodbye to me. Whatever. I don’t really care so much, but still. It makes me miss my old friends. I miss college BFF a lot. I’m happy to have MB here because it’s a link to my old life and someone that I know and care about and am used to. I just wish college BFF was here to share it with us. I miss how well she knows me and how close we were. I was getting ready for my dinner date the other night and she called me, scolding me for not having done my hair yet.
Me: I know, I know, it’s just hard, there’s so much to do. I wish you were here. You would totally clean my house and watch the food for me while I got ready.
Her: Haha. Yeah, I definitely would.
I miss that kind of a friendship – that sort of selfless caring for another human being. I miss it a lot more than I can put into words. And I can taste the salt at the back of my throat and feel the tears well up in my eyes, because no matter how happy I am in SF something always holds me back.
I enjoy having freshman year BFF here. He keeps me grounded and I enjoy the candor and honesty that exists in our friendship. I’m happy that the whole reconnection thing has happened. I feared it wouldn’t, but it took like 10 seconds and we were back to talking all the time and sharing the intimate details of our lives. It’s really helpful.
I’m excited to see my parents. I miss them, and my brothers. Excited to be home, to show my parents that I can grow up, that I can support myself and be an independent woman. I am my own person – that feels good. I pay my own bills, buy my own clothes, entertain people in my own apartment (that I pay the rent for) and do things on my own terms. It’s nice. Being at home will be relaxing. And not being rushed like Thanksgiving was – time enough for both friends and family. I look forward to that.
I’m still nervous about boys. I have one boy that I need to (or should) cut loose and another that I’m trying to bind to me. I mean, we have such a great time and everything’s amazing, but I still don’t know. I spoke to him last night and everything was kind of lukewarm. I don’t know – he was busy packing and cleaning, so I was probably bothering him, but I just wonder if I’m trying too hard or not hard enough. It’s all bad. College BFF says I need to get rid of 1 before moving on to 2 because my karma is going to be fucked up. I trust her more than anyone I know and so I should heed her advice and I will, I know I will, it’s just hard. I hate burning bridges.
Again, I want to write more – to pour my soul out on paper, but I still can’t find the proper medium. It’s so damned difficult. I don’t even know where to begin. But I’m tipsy from the Jack and Coke I just consumed and I’m thinking about writing, about creating something larger than myself. I want it more than anything else. To do something bigger. To achieve my goals – to figure out what I want. So when I die, whether it’s in 6 months or 60 years, I have left some tangible mark on the world, something for people to remember me by, something to ignite the world.
I want to be immortal. If only through prose.
edit: I started writing again. And it sounds like me. And I like it.
I know I’ve mentioned before how much I enjoy traveling and the peace and serenity it brings me. Although I always start off rushing – rushing to pack, rushing to catch a cab, rushing to make it to the airport and, once there, making the final rush to get my baggage checked and push through security – but by the end of it, I have a decent amount of time to enjoy my own thoughts and sit at the airport and daydream, grab a drink and some food and chill the fuck out. Okay, this man’s arm is really bothering me. I knew he was going to be a pain in the ass the second he sat down next to me. FUCK. Why do I always choose the wrong seat? I’m in the middle of children-central and next to Mr. Inconsiderate over here. And I think we still have at least two hours left in the air. Jesus Christ.
Anyway.
I felt lonely the other day. Not lonely, I guess, but excluded. I’m not really good friends with the other people in my program, which doesn’t bother me most of the time because I work in a completely different building from the rest of HR, so I never really see anyone. However, when we’re all waiting for the bus and I feel like a 5th wheel – not so much fun. And my roomie (Blondie) is always trying to get chummy with people, which I commend her for, but literally we saw some of our fellow employees outside and she just took off running after them without so much as a goodbye to me. Whatever. I don’t really care so much, but still. It makes me miss my old friends. I miss college BFF a lot. I’m happy to have MB here because it’s a link to my old life and someone that I know and care about and am used to. I just wish college BFF was here to share it with us. I miss how well she knows me and how close we were. I was getting ready for my dinner date the other night and she called me, scolding me for not having done my hair yet.
Me: I know, I know, it’s just hard, there’s so much to do. I wish you were here. You would totally clean my house and watch the food for me while I got ready.
Her: Haha. Yeah, I definitely would.
I miss that kind of a friendship – that sort of selfless caring for another human being. I miss it a lot more than I can put into words. And I can taste the salt at the back of my throat and feel the tears well up in my eyes, because no matter how happy I am in SF something always holds me back.
I enjoy having freshman year BFF here. He keeps me grounded and I enjoy the candor and honesty that exists in our friendship. I’m happy that the whole reconnection thing has happened. I feared it wouldn’t, but it took like 10 seconds and we were back to talking all the time and sharing the intimate details of our lives. It’s really helpful.
I’m excited to see my parents. I miss them, and my brothers. Excited to be home, to show my parents that I can grow up, that I can support myself and be an independent woman. I am my own person – that feels good. I pay my own bills, buy my own clothes, entertain people in my own apartment (that I pay the rent for) and do things on my own terms. It’s nice. Being at home will be relaxing. And not being rushed like Thanksgiving was – time enough for both friends and family. I look forward to that.
I’m still nervous about boys. I have one boy that I need to (or should) cut loose and another that I’m trying to bind to me. I mean, we have such a great time and everything’s amazing, but I still don’t know. I spoke to him last night and everything was kind of lukewarm. I don’t know – he was busy packing and cleaning, so I was probably bothering him, but I just wonder if I’m trying too hard or not hard enough. It’s all bad. College BFF says I need to get rid of 1 before moving on to 2 because my karma is going to be fucked up. I trust her more than anyone I know and so I should heed her advice and I will, I know I will, it’s just hard. I hate burning bridges.
Again, I want to write more – to pour my soul out on paper, but I still can’t find the proper medium. It’s so damned difficult. I don’t even know where to begin. But I’m tipsy from the Jack and Coke I just consumed and I’m thinking about writing, about creating something larger than myself. I want it more than anything else. To do something bigger. To achieve my goals – to figure out what I want. So when I die, whether it’s in 6 months or 60 years, I have left some tangible mark on the world, something for people to remember me by, something to ignite the world.
I want to be immortal. If only through prose.
edit: I started writing again. And it sounds like me. And I like it.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
wow. wow. wow.
I'm in one of those post-date comas that is so great in the present but is so going to suck tomorrow morning when I'm wandering through work on 3 hours of sleep. I just had the most amazing date ever. Although I'm still hoping I didn't do anything stupid or say anything dumb, I feel quite blissful. I really like this one (that would be the Engineer, folks) - like I really like him. So much so that it hurts. Because I'm afraid of royally fucking it up. He's just so absolutely amazingly wonderful. I *never* gush about men like this. Even when I was head over heels for the Banker, I totally kept that shit on lock. But, now, I just want everyone to know how phenomenal he is.
Dinner was great. The conversation was amazing - it flowed SO WELL. We never ran out of things to talk about and we laughed a lot! I made him laugh a lot. He liked the food I made and he ate everything. It was so sweet. I desperately want him to like me and I think he does. I just need to push things along a little further and I'm a little unsure as to how to do this. It's December 18th and I won't be back in the SF til January 3rd, which sucks. So I'm going to have to do my best to make sure he knows that I'm interested and to also make sure that he doesn't forget me. Which means picking up the phone and calling him over break. I really like this one. Really really like this one. And Brownie (the would be roomie #2) really liked him too! She says that she thinks everything went well (she was in the apartment for our dinner) and she thought he was sweet, cute, and all-around really nice.
He remarked that we get along really well for two people who have nothing in common. I laughed at that. It's true, though. We are very different, but something about that is refreshing and really great and I like it. I don't know what to do though. We haven't kissed - we only hug so far. Which concerns me a little, but not so much because I actually like him and so I'm content with just being in his presence. But I'm looking to speed things along a little. Hmm *puts on thinking cap* - I don't know. I need to come back to SF in the new year with a serious game plan.
I've also decided that I just need to break shit off with Tech Guy. I can't be fucking one guy and fantasizing about being in a relationship with another. It's unfair to both of them and unfair to myself. This is going to be hard, but I really need to do it. So I think the plan is either tomorrow or Wednesday me and TG have to have a little chat. It's going to be rough, but it has to be done. I guess I'm ready to bet the farm on the Engineer.
Here's hoping it all works out.
xox,
CJ
Dinner was great. The conversation was amazing - it flowed SO WELL. We never ran out of things to talk about and we laughed a lot! I made him laugh a lot. He liked the food I made and he ate everything. It was so sweet. I desperately want him to like me and I think he does. I just need to push things along a little further and I'm a little unsure as to how to do this. It's December 18th and I won't be back in the SF til January 3rd, which sucks. So I'm going to have to do my best to make sure he knows that I'm interested and to also make sure that he doesn't forget me. Which means picking up the phone and calling him over break. I really like this one. Really really like this one. And Brownie (the would be roomie #2) really liked him too! She says that she thinks everything went well (she was in the apartment for our dinner) and she thought he was sweet, cute, and all-around really nice.
He remarked that we get along really well for two people who have nothing in common. I laughed at that. It's true, though. We are very different, but something about that is refreshing and really great and I like it. I don't know what to do though. We haven't kissed - we only hug so far. Which concerns me a little, but not so much because I actually like him and so I'm content with just being in his presence. But I'm looking to speed things along a little. Hmm *puts on thinking cap* - I don't know. I need to come back to SF in the new year with a serious game plan.
I've also decided that I just need to break shit off with Tech Guy. I can't be fucking one guy and fantasizing about being in a relationship with another. It's unfair to both of them and unfair to myself. This is going to be hard, but I really need to do it. So I think the plan is either tomorrow or Wednesday me and TG have to have a little chat. It's going to be rough, but it has to be done. I guess I'm ready to bet the farm on the Engineer.
Here's hoping it all works out.
xox,
CJ
Monday, December 17, 2007
i enjoy the company of men...
... far more than I enjoy the company of women. It's weird - I'm not talking about sex or even in a sexual context. I just like hanging out with the guys. There's something so straightforward and honest when you're kicking it with a bunch of dudes. There's none of the cattiness, none of the pretense, none of the need to be on your best behavior. As a sorority girl, I know what it's like to hang out with a huge group of chicks. And, while I love my sorority and I love my sisters, I still feel more comfortable with the guys. Like last night. Christmas party at freshman bff's place. The most fun I had was when I ditched all the women in the living room and had a nice little chat with the guys in the kitchen. Jokes about bodily functions, copious use of the f bomb, and lots of alcohol. I love it.
I've always found it easier to hang out with men than women. Maybe it's the whole 3 brothers, no sisters thing, but as long as I'm not trying to bang them (and hell, even when I am), it's so much simpler to be with guys. I can swear, make crude jokes, and talk about sex in the basest terms possible with little to no judgment. I love that. The fact of the matter is, lately I've found myself chatting about my sex life with my guy friends and my guy friends only. Few of my female friends know the nitty gritty details of what I do with the guys I'm seeing. But get me in the room with a platonic friend with a penis or a stranger with one, and I'm ready and willing to open up with little poking or prodding.
I also enjoy getting advice from the menfolk. Last night, I had four guys giving me advice on what I should cook for the Engineer tomorrow night (yes, we have a dinner date tomorrow. I was freaking out about nothing. I'm now going to use the phone to communicate with him). So now that I'm armed with that knowledge, I'm totally ready to kick up my girl game and make him want me. This is the big date three and I'm totally ready to put it all out there. Wish me luck!
I've always found it easier to hang out with men than women. Maybe it's the whole 3 brothers, no sisters thing, but as long as I'm not trying to bang them (and hell, even when I am), it's so much simpler to be with guys. I can swear, make crude jokes, and talk about sex in the basest terms possible with little to no judgment. I love that. The fact of the matter is, lately I've found myself chatting about my sex life with my guy friends and my guy friends only. Few of my female friends know the nitty gritty details of what I do with the guys I'm seeing. But get me in the room with a platonic friend with a penis or a stranger with one, and I'm ready and willing to open up with little poking or prodding.
I also enjoy getting advice from the menfolk. Last night, I had four guys giving me advice on what I should cook for the Engineer tomorrow night (yes, we have a dinner date tomorrow. I was freaking out about nothing. I'm now going to use the phone to communicate with him). So now that I'm armed with that knowledge, I'm totally ready to kick up my girl game and make him want me. This is the big date three and I'm totally ready to put it all out there. Wish me luck!
Sunday, December 16, 2007
weekend boy update.
I'm desperately trying to talk about anything other than men, but I just can't seem to help myself. They're on my mind wayyy more than they should be. I should post about my work life, my home life, or feminism or something, but this weekend all I can think about are boys.
I haven't heard from the Statistician in ages, so I'm assuming it's over. Not sure what to do about this. I liked him as a friend, but I have no desire to get sexual. Should I call and say that? Should I try and turn him into another heterosexual guy friend? I'm unsure. I really enjoyed hanging out with him.
I e-mailed the Engineer on Thursday evening inviting him over for dinner on a day of his choosing. Haven't heard anything back. So maybe things weren't as good as I thought. Which saddens me. But, then again, everything seems to go a little slower with this one. Great first date, the second one was about two weeks later. I'm just unsure how to get this ball rolling a little faster. I just hope he's interested and if not, I hope he has the balls to just tell me that.
Okay, Tech Guy. We did movies last night and let me tell you, he totally stepped his game up and really impressed me. He was dressed *really nicely* and just looked way more put together than I'd ever seen him. He was sweet during the movie and afterwards when I went back to his apartment. He even asked me if I'd been working out lately! HA! I totally haven't, but it was really fucking nice of him to say that. I don't know if he's been getting advice from someone, but I may have to reconsider giving him the heave-ho at least for a little bit. I'm intrigued. And anyone who knows me, knows that that's the key to getting me to fall for you. So um yeah... that was the weekend.
Happy Sunday!
I haven't heard from the Statistician in ages, so I'm assuming it's over. Not sure what to do about this. I liked him as a friend, but I have no desire to get sexual. Should I call and say that? Should I try and turn him into another heterosexual guy friend? I'm unsure. I really enjoyed hanging out with him.
I e-mailed the Engineer on Thursday evening inviting him over for dinner on a day of his choosing. Haven't heard anything back. So maybe things weren't as good as I thought. Which saddens me. But, then again, everything seems to go a little slower with this one. Great first date, the second one was about two weeks later. I'm just unsure how to get this ball rolling a little faster. I just hope he's interested and if not, I hope he has the balls to just tell me that.
Okay, Tech Guy. We did movies last night and let me tell you, he totally stepped his game up and really impressed me. He was dressed *really nicely* and just looked way more put together than I'd ever seen him. He was sweet during the movie and afterwards when I went back to his apartment. He even asked me if I'd been working out lately! HA! I totally haven't, but it was really fucking nice of him to say that. I don't know if he's been getting advice from someone, but I may have to reconsider giving him the heave-ho at least for a little bit. I'm intrigued. And anyone who knows me, knows that that's the key to getting me to fall for you. So um yeah... that was the weekend.
Happy Sunday!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
butterflies.
Men never give me butterflies. It's *very* rare. Men can make feel a whole range of emotions - frustrated, upset, angry, jealous, horny, flirty, crazy - but butterflies never really happen. The Banker was the last guy who came close - I enjoyed getting dressed up when I knew I'd see him and flirting like crazy whenever we were in the same room. But I think I've found a guy who's managed to give me that fluttery, butterfly feeling and I want nothing more than for him to decide he really likes me. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I went out with the Engineer last night. Swoon.
The date was fabulous. It couldn't have been any better (well, maybe if I wasn't ridiculously late). But, he is *such* a gentleman, so sweet, and so knowledgeable. I love when he explains things to me or talks about something he's really into. It's so sexy. He also has such a nice voice - really deep and masculine and soothing. He's so damn laid-back, though. I have no clue how he feels about me. Body language was good and he laughs at all my jokes and I know he enjoys my company - I just hope he wants more. He certainly keeps paying for things, so I'm at least attractive enough for that - haha. He paid for the jazz tickets and dinner and drinks. We went to a really nice jazz club. The band was amazing and the singer was good and it was good food, good alcohol, good times. He walked me to the bus stop because he's sweet like that and we said our goodbyes. No kiss - which kind of worries me BUT he was (a) sick and he told me he was sick and (b) we were out in public. So I don't know. ARG.
The plan is to send him an e-mail or something telling him how much fun I had last night and how I think we should do it again, but this time he should come over and I can cook him dinner to say thanks for all the great meals he's taken me out for. That way I get him alone, hopefully feeling well, and in my apartment. I'm not trying to sleep with him - I want to take it slow, but I don't want to have to wait forever to get some sort of action. So that's that.
Wee! I like a boy!
The date was fabulous. It couldn't have been any better (well, maybe if I wasn't ridiculously late). But, he is *such* a gentleman, so sweet, and so knowledgeable. I love when he explains things to me or talks about something he's really into. It's so sexy. He also has such a nice voice - really deep and masculine and soothing. He's so damn laid-back, though. I have no clue how he feels about me. Body language was good and he laughs at all my jokes and I know he enjoys my company - I just hope he wants more. He certainly keeps paying for things, so I'm at least attractive enough for that - haha. He paid for the jazz tickets and dinner and drinks. We went to a really nice jazz club. The band was amazing and the singer was good and it was good food, good alcohol, good times. He walked me to the bus stop because he's sweet like that and we said our goodbyes. No kiss - which kind of worries me BUT he was (a) sick and he told me he was sick and (b) we were out in public. So I don't know. ARG.
The plan is to send him an e-mail or something telling him how much fun I had last night and how I think we should do it again, but this time he should come over and I can cook him dinner to say thanks for all the great meals he's taken me out for. That way I get him alone, hopefully feeling well, and in my apartment. I'm not trying to sleep with him - I want to take it slow, but I don't want to have to wait forever to get some sort of action. So that's that.
Wee! I like a boy!
Sunday, December 9, 2007
so. what had happened was...
Clearly I have no control over myself. So I just wrote this post about how I have to end it with Tech Guy, yada yada. Of course, that means I end up spending my Friday night and Saturday morning in his bed. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I crossed the staying over line. I don't know how it happened - I was upset and irrational.
Basically, what happened was this - I went to my company's holiday party and let me tell you. That shit was RIDICULOUS. I mean, I know the way ******** usually throws down - free alcohol, nice decor - but this impressed me in a way I cannot even explain. We literally must have money pouring out of our ears. But anyway, that is NOT the point. So the shuttle buses were supposed to go from the party to campus and they DIDN'T. Which meant that ALL my shit - computer, Baby Jane, and the toiletries I had used to get ready (hair straightener, lotion, deodorant, perfume, etc) were in the office. I wanted to cry. Luckily, I'd had the presence of mind to bring my damn keys and my ID and one credit card. Thank God. So I'm pretty pissed and all night TG's been texting me, asking me to come over. So I take the shuttle to a stop near him and I call him, almost in tears just going on and on and on. He tells me to come over and he'll make it better and so I do.
I didn't want sex. When I got there I was tired and whiny, but I knew I had to do *something* with him so that this wasn't like a 'boyfriend/girlfriend counseling session.' I put in my required time and activity and then we passed out. Of course, I get woken up the next morning at 6:30 am because he wants to have sex. So I deal with that and then we watch Heroes and I sleep in his bed while he showers and eats. He offers to make the drive back to my job (which is about an hour) to get my stuff, but I say I'm okay and decline. Then he drives me home.
In short, I don't know what the fuck happened, but I totally lost it and caved and went over there. It was bad and it showed me how weak I am. I'm just making this situation totally worse because I know I'm ready to get out and yet I just can't extricate myself from the situation. I've become one of those women I didn't want to be and that pisses me off more than anything else. It's time for me to regrow my spine.
Basically, what happened was this - I went to my company's holiday party and let me tell you. That shit was RIDICULOUS. I mean, I know the way ******** usually throws down - free alcohol, nice decor - but this impressed me in a way I cannot even explain. We literally must have money pouring out of our ears. But anyway, that is NOT the point. So the shuttle buses were supposed to go from the party to campus and they DIDN'T. Which meant that ALL my shit - computer, Baby Jane, and the toiletries I had used to get ready (hair straightener, lotion, deodorant, perfume, etc) were in the office. I wanted to cry. Luckily, I'd had the presence of mind to bring my damn keys and my ID and one credit card. Thank God. So I'm pretty pissed and all night TG's been texting me, asking me to come over. So I take the shuttle to a stop near him and I call him, almost in tears just going on and on and on. He tells me to come over and he'll make it better and so I do.
I didn't want sex. When I got there I was tired and whiny, but I knew I had to do *something* with him so that this wasn't like a 'boyfriend/girlfriend counseling session.' I put in my required time and activity and then we passed out. Of course, I get woken up the next morning at 6:30 am because he wants to have sex. So I deal with that and then we watch Heroes and I sleep in his bed while he showers and eats. He offers to make the drive back to my job (which is about an hour) to get my stuff, but I say I'm okay and decline. Then he drives me home.
In short, I don't know what the fuck happened, but I totally lost it and caved and went over there. It was bad and it showed me how weak I am. I'm just making this situation totally worse because I know I'm ready to get out and yet I just can't extricate myself from the situation. I've become one of those women I didn't want to be and that pisses me off more than anything else. It's time for me to regrow my spine.
Friday, December 7, 2007
dilemma. of the boy variety.
So, the roomie (Blondie) thinks I should end it with Tech Guy. On account of his whining. And him sending me dirty text messages. Well, I like the latter, not so much the former. I don't know what to do. It's clear that this can't go on for long. Since I'm not interested in including him in my life in any real way, how long can I keep up with this? I honestly don't know. I'm enjoying the sex, I'm enjoying the flirtation, I'm enjoying the attention. And yet, I'm also enjoying dating two other guys.
I think I'm just afraid to end it. I don't like bringing people into my life and then letting go of them. I don't mind drifting apart or whatever, but making a conscious decision to just stop seeing or talking to someone is very hard for me. I also don't know how to "break up" with someone. Should I just say - I don't think we should screw anymore? Or should I say I don't think we should see each other anymore? Let's just be friends? I don't think this is working? I'm so bad at that. I'm afraid of how he'll react - will he get angry? irrational? will he try to convince me that we should keep doing whatever it is we're doing? I just don't know. Do I have to do it in person? Do I get to have sex with him one last time? God, I just don't know. It's all so confusing. So for now I'm just waiting to see what happens with the other two before I even deal with this issue. Ugh.
I need help. Please advise.
CJ
I think I'm just afraid to end it. I don't like bringing people into my life and then letting go of them. I don't mind drifting apart or whatever, but making a conscious decision to just stop seeing or talking to someone is very hard for me. I also don't know how to "break up" with someone. Should I just say - I don't think we should screw anymore? Or should I say I don't think we should see each other anymore? Let's just be friends? I don't think this is working? I'm so bad at that. I'm afraid of how he'll react - will he get angry? irrational? will he try to convince me that we should keep doing whatever it is we're doing? I just don't know. Do I have to do it in person? Do I get to have sex with him one last time? God, I just don't know. It's all so confusing. So for now I'm just waiting to see what happens with the other two before I even deal with this issue. Ugh.
I need help. Please advise.
CJ
Thursday, December 6, 2007
yesterday was a surprisingly good day.
I went to the Black _________ Network party at my job last night and I had such a good time (name edited to protect my identity... lol). Normally I'm so skeptical about those things. For those of you who've known me for a while I have an interesting history with the black community at the various schools and organizations I've been involved with. As a child, I played with other black children like me and had maybe one white friend. Then I moved to the ritzy part of Long Island, dominated by a large white and Jewish population, and that was the end of that. My friends were still very multi-cultural though. My high school clique consists of East Asians, Indians, Filipino-Egyptians, Jews, and blacks. So I was still used to hanging out with mostly colored people. Then I went to college and that changed. Brown was a very diverse place, but diverse in an odd way. There was tons of self-segregation and I've never been about that. Being Black at Brown was a political thing and if you know me, I'm not very political. So I've learned to approach any African-American organization very carefully because I've never felt entirely comfortable with the message that some of them have.
I grew up in a bi-racial family where race was kind of ignored. I mean, we certainly were taught that we were black and we had to work harder to go against the stereotypes, but my mother was always talking about race and success as an individual thing, not a group mentality. My BFF from college is black as well and we get along so well because we were both raised the same way. My economic/living situation and her politics (she's Republican) kept us kind of isolated from the black community and so we banded together and became friends. We both argue and chat about issues of race and class and politics, but our views and our lifestyle choices keep us on the outside. We both date white men. It's not an active decision, I just have a policy of not turning any man down based on race. If you're nice, intelligent, well-read, into the arts, and sarcastic, you could be spotted green and I'd date you. But this isn't a popular choice in the black American community. I got teased like whoa when I was younger for "acting white" because I like to read and watch the history channel and cared about my grades. None of these experiences endeared me to the idea of community. To me, the black community was something I desperately wanted to be a part of but got shunned from every time I tried to put a foot inside.
But last night was different. It took me some time to warm up, but once I got there, it was great. I met a lot of nice people, chatted with folks, and felt *at home.* I miss having a strong black presence in my life. Back in NY, I had my family and I had BFF, but here I have no one and that's hard. Non-black people don't get what it's like to be black on a very fundamental level. And I'm not talking about discrimination or adversity (that stuff counts too but not for the purpose of this discussion), but cultural stuff. Things like hair, food, family dynamics, all of that. So I'm happy I went because it was nice to let my hair down, kick back and just be who I am for once, without worrying about being PC or stepping on anyone's toes or offending anyone.
Oh, in boy news... The Engineer IMmed me!!!! We talked for a while. And things with Tech Guy are getting... interesting. Next post, I promise! I can't talk about men all the time!
I grew up in a bi-racial family where race was kind of ignored. I mean, we certainly were taught that we were black and we had to work harder to go against the stereotypes, but my mother was always talking about race and success as an individual thing, not a group mentality. My BFF from college is black as well and we get along so well because we were both raised the same way. My economic/living situation and her politics (she's Republican) kept us kind of isolated from the black community and so we banded together and became friends. We both argue and chat about issues of race and class and politics, but our views and our lifestyle choices keep us on the outside. We both date white men. It's not an active decision, I just have a policy of not turning any man down based on race. If you're nice, intelligent, well-read, into the arts, and sarcastic, you could be spotted green and I'd date you. But this isn't a popular choice in the black American community. I got teased like whoa when I was younger for "acting white" because I like to read and watch the history channel and cared about my grades. None of these experiences endeared me to the idea of community. To me, the black community was something I desperately wanted to be a part of but got shunned from every time I tried to put a foot inside.
But last night was different. It took me some time to warm up, but once I got there, it was great. I met a lot of nice people, chatted with folks, and felt *at home.* I miss having a strong black presence in my life. Back in NY, I had my family and I had BFF, but here I have no one and that's hard. Non-black people don't get what it's like to be black on a very fundamental level. And I'm not talking about discrimination or adversity (that stuff counts too but not for the purpose of this discussion), but cultural stuff. Things like hair, food, family dynamics, all of that. So I'm happy I went because it was nice to let my hair down, kick back and just be who I am for once, without worrying about being PC or stepping on anyone's toes or offending anyone.
Oh, in boy news... The Engineer IMmed me!!!! We talked for a while. And things with Tech Guy are getting... interesting. Next post, I promise! I can't talk about men all the time!
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
update on last night.
I'm still upset about work. Of course. I'll probably never stop being upset about work. But on the bright side --- 6 months til rotation! And while I love my team and will miss them and be sorry to leave, I need to go somewhere where my duties are more clearly defined. That's what I need.
Boys - of course Tech Guy sends me a message this morning saying that he just spaced out and started watching Ocean's 13 which is why he made a rude sarcastic comment and then just left me hanging. Whatever. I know he knows I'm upset and that our discussion this morning was supposed to be some sort of apology, but I don't know if I'm having it. We'll see if I decide to do something with him tonight. I mean, I'll talk to him, but if he wants to see me, he'll have to send me a message. I'm going to a party tonight so I have better things to do. The Engineer - I'm just going to calm down about that one. We'll see if he tries to contact me. There's no use getting myself worked up about it. There's nothing I can do but hope. So I'll hope.
So that's where I am now. I just can't wait for the weekend. Holiday party on Friday. Date with the one guy who's not frustrating me on Saturday. Then Sunday time to myself. That's the plan.
Sigh... back to my job.
Boys - of course Tech Guy sends me a message this morning saying that he just spaced out and started watching Ocean's 13 which is why he made a rude sarcastic comment and then just left me hanging. Whatever. I know he knows I'm upset and that our discussion this morning was supposed to be some sort of apology, but I don't know if I'm having it. We'll see if I decide to do something with him tonight. I mean, I'll talk to him, but if he wants to see me, he'll have to send me a message. I'm going to a party tonight so I have better things to do. The Engineer - I'm just going to calm down about that one. We'll see if he tries to contact me. There's no use getting myself worked up about it. There's nothing I can do but hope. So I'll hope.
So that's where I am now. I just can't wait for the weekend. Holiday party on Friday. Date with the one guy who's not frustrating me on Saturday. Then Sunday time to myself. That's the plan.
Sigh... back to my job.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
big girls don't cry.
Either that's total bullshit or I'm not as grown-up as I thought I was. I really just want to curl up in a ball and cry right now. Instead I'm tearing up as I write this, dreading the morning. I feel like everything is crashing down around me and I can't do anything to stop it.
I'm a control freak. But not in an overt way - I don't want to control other people. I only want to control myself and my circumstances. And I feel like I'm losing that control. For the past 3 weeks or so I've had a rock-solid grip on my emotions and they've been very stable. I've been somewhere close to happy for a while and now I'm not really feeling that warm, fuzzy vibe anymore. Maybe it's because I just took all that birth control, which worries me, since God knows what kind of a shrewish nightmare I'll be once I'm on the pill for real. However, that's neither here nor there. I'm feeling highly emotional and I can't sleep, which is why I'm blogging at 11:51 when I should be sleeping and getting ready for work in the morning.
Work is stressing me out. I'm happy and then I'm not happy. It's just too goddamn complicated. And the thing is - I'm not unhappy about where I work, or my team, or what I'm doing. I'm mad that I don't feel integrated, appreciated, or busy. I would LOVE to hate work because I have too much on my plate or I'm there every day til 9 pm. But that's not it - I'm frustrated because I feel pressured to be someone I'm not and conform to the norm in a company where I didn't think that was going to be an issue. I don't feel like I'm being guided and there's a part of me that thinks that I just may not fit in here. Which is scary and annoying, but let me tell you - it's done wonders for knowing that I want to be an attorney.
Then boys are stressing me out. I got into a little tiff with Tech Guy tonight and I'm SO pissed at him. He's being a colossal asshole and we're supposed to hang out tomorrow night, but right now I don't know. I'm not saying one fucking word to him until he contacts me. I'm so over bullshit - I cannot deal. If that means I have to be alone for the rest of my life then so be it. Also texted The Engineer to say 'hey' and haven't heard anything back, which worries me. I thought he was genuine and kind and would tell me if he wasn't interested, but now I'm unsure and that kills me. The Statistician is looking better by the second. He makes me laugh and that's nice. I like that. I could use some laughter.
In other news, I love my gal pals out here. Blondie and MB have been fabulous and I'm so thankful that I have people to vent to, to commiserate with, and just chat to about anything and everything. I also love love love the MCM crew, who are keeping me same during this trying time. I know that everything worth having is worth fighting for, but I don't know how much longer I can dream the unattainable dream of happiness and success without seeing some progress.
I'm a control freak. But not in an overt way - I don't want to control other people. I only want to control myself and my circumstances. And I feel like I'm losing that control. For the past 3 weeks or so I've had a rock-solid grip on my emotions and they've been very stable. I've been somewhere close to happy for a while and now I'm not really feeling that warm, fuzzy vibe anymore. Maybe it's because I just took all that birth control, which worries me, since God knows what kind of a shrewish nightmare I'll be once I'm on the pill for real. However, that's neither here nor there. I'm feeling highly emotional and I can't sleep, which is why I'm blogging at 11:51 when I should be sleeping and getting ready for work in the morning.
Work is stressing me out. I'm happy and then I'm not happy. It's just too goddamn complicated. And the thing is - I'm not unhappy about where I work, or my team, or what I'm doing. I'm mad that I don't feel integrated, appreciated, or busy. I would LOVE to hate work because I have too much on my plate or I'm there every day til 9 pm. But that's not it - I'm frustrated because I feel pressured to be someone I'm not and conform to the norm in a company where I didn't think that was going to be an issue. I don't feel like I'm being guided and there's a part of me that thinks that I just may not fit in here. Which is scary and annoying, but let me tell you - it's done wonders for knowing that I want to be an attorney.
Then boys are stressing me out. I got into a little tiff with Tech Guy tonight and I'm SO pissed at him. He's being a colossal asshole and we're supposed to hang out tomorrow night, but right now I don't know. I'm not saying one fucking word to him until he contacts me. I'm so over bullshit - I cannot deal. If that means I have to be alone for the rest of my life then so be it. Also texted The Engineer to say 'hey' and haven't heard anything back, which worries me. I thought he was genuine and kind and would tell me if he wasn't interested, but now I'm unsure and that kills me. The Statistician is looking better by the second. He makes me laugh and that's nice. I like that. I could use some laughter.
In other news, I love my gal pals out here. Blondie and MB have been fabulous and I'm so thankful that I have people to vent to, to commiserate with, and just chat to about anything and everything. I also love love love the MCM crew, who are keeping me same during this trying time. I know that everything worth having is worth fighting for, but I don't know how much longer I can dream the unattainable dream of happiness and success without seeing some progress.
putting it all out there.
So lately I've kind of been obsessed with issues of sex and sexuality and shame. As a woman who calls herself a feminist, I always thought that I was cool with overt female sexuality. My friends and I are very upfront about our sex lives and I've always considered myself a very sex-positive girl. But lately, I don't know about that. As confident as I am talking with my friends about my sex life, when I'm forced to put myself out there in the public eye, I get a little nervous. Two incidents come to mind. First of all -- buying condoms. I suck at it. I pretty much scan the aisle, wait until all children or judgmental looking people have left and then I run over, grab the first pack I can catch out of the corner of my eye and then high-tail it out of there. Secondly, I recently had a little mishap (it happens) and had to go pick myself up a pack of Plan B (can we take a minute and just rejoice at the fact that it's readily available without a prescription at your nearest CVS or Walgreens. Praise Jesus! Okay... I'm done). Anyhow, I found myself traipsing up and down Walgreens buying baby powder, lotion, Nair, anything that wasn't what I really needed. When I finally did get the courage to go to the pharmacy, I mumbled what I needed (the man made it a little difficult for me, making me not only ask if they carried Plan B, but if I could have one pack of it - a statement I had to repeat three times. I wanted to shoot him.), then paid as fast as humanly possible and left.
This worries me. I'm not normally some wallflower when it comes to sexual expression. You can ask pretty much any of my friends and all the men I've been with. I'm comfortable talking about what I like and I can be pretty brazen (see me sticking my hands in my neighbor's back pockets about 30 minutes after meeting him, all of my inappropriate stories, anecdotes, and comments made in the company of perfect strangers). I feel like we're all sexual beings and there's no reason to hide that. If you're not comfortable putting that out there - that's fine, I understand that. But I certainly don't think anyone should be shamed into pretending they don't have sexual thoughts. And that's how I feel when I go to buy condoms or emergency contraception - worried that some 45 year-old woman is going to tsk tsk me if I'm in the condom aisle for too long. Or that the pharmacist is going to brand me as a WHORE because I needed emergency contraception.
I was talking with BFF and she's really passionate about this issue - making sure that women can comfortably express their sexuality in ALL ways (condoms, contraception, communicating with their partners) without worrying about judgment or scorn. I've been trying to find an "issue" to attach myself to for as long as I can remember. And I think I've finally found one. I want to do something that promotes sex-positive behavior, something that educates young women (and men) about the choices they have when it comes to sex - whether we're we're talking about safe sex, sex toys, or just general information about the human body. If I really want to be sex positive, if I really want to come into my sexuality in a meaningful way, I'm going to have to start taking some action. So I'm looking into volunteer opportunities in order to make this a reality. I'm sick and tired of people making such a taboo over sex. I'm so over it.
This worries me. I'm not normally some wallflower when it comes to sexual expression. You can ask pretty much any of my friends and all the men I've been with. I'm comfortable talking about what I like and I can be pretty brazen (see me sticking my hands in my neighbor's back pockets about 30 minutes after meeting him, all of my inappropriate stories, anecdotes, and comments made in the company of perfect strangers). I feel like we're all sexual beings and there's no reason to hide that. If you're not comfortable putting that out there - that's fine, I understand that. But I certainly don't think anyone should be shamed into pretending they don't have sexual thoughts. And that's how I feel when I go to buy condoms or emergency contraception - worried that some 45 year-old woman is going to tsk tsk me if I'm in the condom aisle for too long. Or that the pharmacist is going to brand me as a WHORE because I needed emergency contraception.
I was talking with BFF and she's really passionate about this issue - making sure that women can comfortably express their sexuality in ALL ways (condoms, contraception, communicating with their partners) without worrying about judgment or scorn. I've been trying to find an "issue" to attach myself to for as long as I can remember. And I think I've finally found one. I want to do something that promotes sex-positive behavior, something that educates young women (and men) about the choices they have when it comes to sex - whether we're we're talking about safe sex, sex toys, or just general information about the human body. If I really want to be sex positive, if I really want to come into my sexuality in a meaningful way, I'm going to have to start taking some action. So I'm looking into volunteer opportunities in order to make this a reality. I'm sick and tired of people making such a taboo over sex. I'm so over it.
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