withholding.

So, at least three times a week (hell, it's probably actually five times a week), college BFF and I have cocktail nights. Yes, she lives in DC and I live in NYC, but we talk on the phone while we have a drink. It's honestly one of my favorite parts of being back on the East Coast - the ability to have these little chats. So last night's talk centered around the pursuit of men. We talked about all the assholes we've screwed and pursued over our lifetimes and why the ideal relationship has been so far out of our grasp. "Is it really as simple as withholding the pussy? Is that the key to a relationship?" she asked me. To be honest, I don't know. Maybe it really is that simple and maybe that's why every relationship I've ever been in or attempted to create has been hopelessly fucked up. I always tend to get sexual before I get intimate. Maybe I need to stop doing that in order to have men take me seriously. However, as BFF so eloquently put it - "I can guarantee you that there are no men out there wondering if a woman will stop taking them seriously if they have sex on the first date." And ladies and gentleman, therein lies my problem.

I have serious issues with gender imbalance. If I even suspect that a man holds some antiquated notion about women and sex, I don't want to be with him. And I refuse to change my behavior in order to get a man to take me seriously. I just don't see why I should have to. I know relationships are about compromise and all, but sex is extremely important to me. Maybe it's because I was a late bloomer, maybe it's because I've been obsessed with sex since I could read, but for whatever reason, sex is a major factor for me with whomever I get involved with. I can't do prudes. Tried it and I failed. I like to get all of that shit out in the open at first, which probably scares men. I mean, one of the things I thought I liked about New Jersey was that he seemed so refreshed by how open I was sexually. However, in the end, it appears that he was either lying or it was too much for him. Sigh.

Maybe I'm just insecure. I've always known that I was intelligent and going places. I've never for a second doubted that my life would be blessed in those respects. I went to a good school, I have a good job, and my brains have rarely failed me. What I'm more insecure about is my body, my capacity to be viewed as a sexual being. So maybe I over-emphasize that too much. For me it's not a matter of how much you respect me, but how much you want to fuck me. Maybe it's time to switch it up a bit.