i finally did it.

I finally introduced Tech Guy to my 3 closest friends in SF. That's right, me, Blondie, MB, Freshman Year Best Friend, and TG went out to dinner at this place in Union Square. Dinner was terrible - the food, I mean - and the drinks sucked. But, after that we left and went to XYZ bar (which was amazing!) and all-in-all, it was a good time. He wasn't overly awk, he dressed well, and my friends seemed to think he was okay (I haven't finished the debrief yet).

I thought we worked well. We were the right amount of couply, which I liked. We talked to the group, but also amongst ourselves. He's wayyy more PDA-friendly than I am, so I was a little concerned, but he managed to keep it light - just rubbing my back and my leg occasionally. He totally tried to do the kissing in public thing and I shut him down. HAHA. I was like - umm, no. So now he knows that I don't do PDA. Glad we got that out of the way. But yeah, he was nice and friendly and talked with my friends and it was good. It made me happy. He makes me happy. 

We're going out this weekend and I'm so excited! Seeing the last movie on our Oscars list - Michael Clayton. I asked if we could go on Friday and I could sleep over and leave on Saturday. He was like "You know, you could sleep over on Saturday too." That made me even more happy.

so much to post, it's insane...

Okay, I have a lot of entries in my head right now. Just to make sure I don't forget for the rest of the week, here's what I need to talk about.

1. "the" dinner with TG
2. thoughts on moving to new york
3. thoughts on living in SF
4. my favorite quote ever
5. my goddamned period (sorry, i'm mad!)

end entry.

just when i start to worry...

... he totally pulls through. Lately, he's been the only thing that puts a smile on my face. When I got his text today I actually choked up a little bit out of happiness. You all know I've been crazy unhappy lately, but talking to some friends -- College Roomie, Shruti, High School BFF -- has helped me. And I was getting nervous about him. I invited him out with the friends, but he was all lukewarm about telling me whether or not he could go. We had this long convo where he was all "this is a big step" and joking around with me about it. Then I hear NOTHING from him all night - no texts and he's not on his computer, so I texted him something dumb. And then about 2 hours later, I get this text from him - "Tomorrow should work, what should I wear?" *giddy squeal* So maybe he does care about me. Just maybe. And I don't care what my friends think about him or how different we are or any of those stupid shallow things I thought about before. There's something about being with him that makes me happy and I'm just going to embrace it. This is *my* life and no one else's and I'm sick of caring what people think. That includes my family and friends. I know that my true friends will support me in anything I do and deep down I know that my family will as well.

I'm ready to let go and just relax. I need to stop analyzing and worrying and start living.

my weekend.

Lest you think that my life is spent mourning the loss of my happiness, holed up inside my room without bathing or dressing, I'll fill you in on my weekend. It went a lot better than I had expected, so I'm pleased with that.

Friday, Blondie and I went to the Ivy League mixer at this club in North Beach. It was lame, lame, lame. There was no one from our particular Ivy and after we met up with MB, we decided to move along. I paid $11 for the worst drink I've ever had in my life and that kind of killed me on the drinking thing. Had a short convo with some 30-something guy, but other than that I talked to no one. So we bounced, in the rain, and walked to the Marriott Hotel where we had grasshoppers (omg! I finally found a fucking bar in SF that serves my all-time favorite drink) and chatted. Got harassed by some weirdo, which put a little bit of a damper on the night, but all in all it was good.

Saturday morning went over to TG's, fooled around, then went to the movies. We saw No Country For Old Men, which I thought was okay. I mean, it was a good movie, but I liked There Will Be Blood much better. After that we did dinner at a diner and he dropped me back home. I napped for a bit and then got ready to go out with the crew. We went to this place called Mr. Smith's - a bar/club in SoMa. It was a lot of fun. Got my dance on. Didn't really get my drink on cuz of the whole period thing, but I still managed to enjoy myself. Taqueria, then passed out.

Sunday was my day and I did all those things I like to do - reading blogs, reading magazines, reading The Bell Jar, napping, eating at my favorite places. It was relaxing and fun.

So, yes... I'm keeping myself busy and (somewhat) engaged.

boys, boys, boys.

Before I begin, today was great because I only did things I wanted to do. I got a nap in, but it wasn't ridiculously long and I actually said no when people asked me to do things I didn't want to do! Yay! I had fun resting and recharging. Didn't get too much done, but it was enough for me.

Okay, moving on to the men, errr man, as it were. I don't know what the deal is with Tech Guy. He does and says things that seem relationshippy and yet when we talk he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Well, I mean, we've never explicitly had that discussion, but he just doesn't seem to want to go there with me. And more and more I want to go there with him. I'm inviting him to come and kick it with my friends on Tuesday night. I hope he decides to come and it goes well. I just want something normal at this point, something healthy and real and tangible. I don't like not knowing what we're doing - if he's seeing other women (we've established he's not screwing other women) and whether or not he likes me.

I went over to his place the other day before we went out to the movies. I couldn't have sex with him cuz I'm on my period (grrr, annoying as fuck) but we fooled around a little and when he finished, he looked at me, smiled, and said that it was the first time he'd smiled in two days. He's also been sending me sweet little goodnight messages all weekend before he goes to bed.

But then, today, he told me he thought I was secretive. I mean, maybe I am, but I don't know what that statement was meant to convey. Should I try to open myself up more? What can I do to make him trust me? It's so goddammed hard for me sometimes. I'm so closed off, so introverted, that it's hard for me to really break out of that. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. I just hope it's not in vain.

the bell jar.

Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar is one of my favorite novels. I've felt the exact way Esther Greenwood has, trapped in a jar, barely able to breathe, unable to connect to the world outside. Lately, I've been feeling that way and it's been rough. I've been considering moving back to New York. I'm still unsure. I just don't feel happy here in a very fundamental way. I have this picture of what my life should look like and what qualities it would entail and none of those images are anywhere near reality. And I'm just not sure if I have it in me to do this anymore. I can't be unhappy, cranky, and miserable for much longer.

It's even worse because there are periods of unhappiness punctuated with genuine good times. I could handle all shit or all positive experiences, but the thought of all this see-sawing is maddening. I want to feel happy, but for some reason it's so elusive. Maybe it's the weather - it's been raining like whoa here. Or it could be the birth control hormones/the fact that I just got my period. But whatever it is, I don't feel right. I hate everything and everyone; I don't want to talk or be polite, instead I'd rather be sullen and rude. I'm probably going to lose every friend I have in this godforsaken place if I don't get a grip.

Last night, I told two of my closest friends how I feel. That was very cathartic and helpful. I think I just need to be honest with people about where I am mentally right now. I hate this stigma that you cannot talk about the things that bother you because you don't want to make people uncomfortable or show them that your life isn't perfect and happy. That's just bullshit. You should be able to tell your friends almost everything, or else they shouldn't be your friends.

So I'm going to put this out there for all of the blogosphere to hear. I am unhappy. I'm sad, I'm lonely, I feel misunderstood. I feel like no one truly understands me and that my wants and needs don't sync up with anyone I know. I'm surrounded by people and yet I feel like I'm speaking English and everyone else is conversing in Swahili, completely unaware that I'm not comprehending. I might need to go back to New York. I might need to change my life. Because I'm tired of doing shit I don't want to in order to keep up appearances.

Thank you and goodnight.

end of freak-out.

He's still being kind of weird, but he did text me unprovoked while he was out. Just saying he was drinking and smoking and having fun with his co-workers. More texting when he headed home and a short AIM chat. He seems stressed about work, so maybe that was it. He said I could spend the night tomorrow... I hope it works out. *sigh*

Boys are complicated.

freaking out.

I don't know why, but I think TG is mad at me. He's being so distant and it's really bothering me. Like I want to call him right now and be like "what did I do? how can I fix it?" Jesus, this is why I hate letting men into your life because you get like this. I love being single because you don't have to care. When you're just sleeping with a guy it doesn't matter what he thinks about you. UGH. I hate hate hate hate hate dealing with men. I just want to go to sleep and when I wake up have everything be normal and okay.

I don't want to ask him if I did something wrong, because I don't wanna nag him and I don't want him to think I'm annoying. I just hope he's not pissed off and that he still wants to hang out this weekend. =(

last night. (well, technically two nights ago, but i forgot to hit publish post)

So last night was the first time I'd seen TG in about a week. While I was in Seattle, we chatted a fair amount. He'd text message me and keep me posted about his day and ask how I was doing. He'd send me dirty chat messages on gChat at night. You know, the usual ;)

I was SO pissed at him yesterday (well, at first). So he calls me up on his way home from work and he's like "Am I picking you up or are you taking the bus?" I really wanted him to pick me up, but he was like "Well, I'm going to be like 10-15 min. Will you be ready by then?" I told him if it was 15, I would. And then he was all - well it'll probably be 10. I wanted to tell him to go fuck HIMSELF, but I just said that I'd take the bus. Anyway, I walk outside to discover it is POURING RAIN and I don't have my umbrella. I go back to get it and I miss the bus. So I just decide to cab it over. Mind you, I hadn't eaten in 8 hours and I was a raging bitch. So I got there and I was pissed. He made note of it, but he gave me food. Later, just to advance the story, he *did* apologize. When I told him I'd taken a cab over, he said "I should've picked you up." "No, that's okay. It's fine." "No, it's not. I should've just waited in the McDonald's parking lot if you weren't ready." So I was happy with that.

I saw his new mustache. He looks like such a child molester and I told him so. He said that he was going to get rid of it, but he had his reasons for waiting ;) So yeah, it'll be gone hopefully by tomorrow, thank God! I had a good time. He was so sweet in bed, as usual, and we kissed and cuddled and talked about important things like our lives, our futures, what we love/hate about our jobs, what we want to get out of life. We were really cuddly and affectionate - he stroked my hair and kissed my forehead while I ran my fingers over his eyebrows and his nose. We definitely kissed a thousand times more than we normally do. We were laying in bed and he made a joke about other women, so I hit him. He was like "I'm just kidding. There are no other women." To which I replied, "Good." "Aren't you being a little selfish?" he asks. "No, because there are no other men." He asked me what I was doing this weekend. He never does that. At least not so far in advance. So we're going to see a movie. And we're going to see a movie that I want to see, and he's kind of lukewarm about it, but he's going to see it anyway. So I'm pleased. When I was talking about telling my mom something she didn't want to hear, he was like "Well, you could tell her everything. That you have a guy friend too." I wasn't sure what to think about that.

I've also begun to realize that I'm being a horrible person. I was playing with his mustache and he was like "It's growing on you, huh?" I laughed and said it wasn't and that he looked creepy. "Well, it's not like you're ever going to introduce me to your friends, anyway." Ouch. That hurt. I felt bad so I told him that wasn't true and that I would, so now I have to make good on that particular promise. I felt like so much happened last night, like we got so much closer spending 3 hours in bed together. I can't remember what else was said, but I just remember feeling all warm and cuddly and happy. Comfortable.

Afterwards, he dropped me off. When he got home, he IMmed me, telling me that it was good seeing me. When I woke up this morning I had a text message from him telling me he hoped I was sleeping well and that he was thinking about me. Mini sigh/swoon. Haha. I'm so creepy.

Maybe I kind of like him. Maybe.

Seattle!

This past weekend, I went to visit Senior Year Roomie and Shruti. It was really nice. It's funny, when I go to visit people, I really could care less about seeing the city or exploring or sightseeing. I kind of just wanna kick it with my friends, which is exactly what I did. And it was so nice to be with people who *know* me. The thing that sucks about SF sometimes is that there's only two people that really understand and get me and that I don't have to be fake or censor myself around. But, this weekend, I got to hang out with my friends, catch up on life, and just talk. And we all know how much I love to talk. There were two things my mother always told me as a kid - "Cut it with the dramatics!" and "You could talk the ear off a brick wall."

As far as my impressions of Seattle - I don't know if I could live there. Too overcast for me. But I love love LOVED the bar and restaurant I went to. Shru took me to this really great Caribbean rum bar with real life black people! I haven't seen that many black people in San Francisco EVER. So that was really nice and refreshing. Plus I love meeting people's friends and getting an idea of what their lives are. So I got to see how my friends are doing, what their lives are like now. Senior Year Roomie took me to this fabulous Italian restaurant where I had the most orgasmic salad ever and really good tortellini. It was to die for. I had forgotten how much I love Italian food. I need to do that in San Francisco. Then we watched a full day of football, which was pretty sweet, shockingly. YAY GIANTS!

So yeah... I had fun, it was a really good time. Thanks to everyone involved! I had an excellent weekend! Now, I have to get shit done so that I'm ready to see TG at 6:30. Awesome.

i don't know if it's the alcohol...

... but I've been thinking about things with Tech Guy. I got ridiculously smashed at the airport bar --- well, bars, plural. The largest margarita ever and a double white Russian later and I've started making plans for tomorrow. Very explicit plans.

If I am actually ballsy enough to complete what I want to complete, I will give myself a huge pat on the back. However, I don't know if I will be.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to step it up a bit and I'm totally game.

p.s. - I'm totally going to regret posting this tomorrow. HA.

p.p.s. - it's weird to be back home. I don't know how I feel about it. I had fun in Seattle this weekend. It was so much fun to see old friends. Updates on that tomorrow.

i am changing.

Or, I need to change. Something like that. I'm tired of being imperfect. Maybe, I should clarify that. I'm tired of not living up to my own standards. I could really care less about other people's perceptions of me. I like to drink, swear, and flirt shamelessly and those are three things that I'll go to my grave doing. So be it.

However, I'm worried that I'm not living to my full potential. I hate that I'm so goddamned indecisive. I hate not knowing what I want. I hate being so guarded with people. The funny thing is, it's not with everyone. On my blog, with my friends, with myself - I'm brutally honest about my intentions and my feelings.

I've also noticed that there are certain things that I've always tended to be honest about. Like, with men, I'm never honest about my feelings, but I'm totally honest about my borderline nymphomania. I'll never tell Tech Guy how I feel (not that I'm sure of that myself), but I have no qualms with telling him about my insane sex drive. I guess I just always feel vulnerable with my feelings. Some people feel embarrassed about having sex or wanting it. That doesn't really embarrass me too much. I like sex. I would have it several times a day if I could. When I can't, I have no problem getting the job done myself. I've been all about sex since the first time I saw a porn video, at the ripe old age of 9 (blame my parents for thinking a child should have a fully cable-equipped television in their bedroom at that age). Feelings, emotions, however, they're a different story. I can't talk to men about those things. I'd sooner shoot myself in the head than tell a man I wanted his company because I was lonely or needed to be comforted. Why am I so fucked up about that? Sigh.

Also, I think I need to come up with a 5 year plan. Where the fuck do I see myself in 5 years? I need to think about that. Too often, when I think about things I only focus on one aspect - my body, my love life, my career. I need to look at the big picture and then whittle down the details. So here's goes. CJ's 5 year plan.

Location: New York City. I'm sorry, I may have only lived here for 5 months, but I am *not* a California girl in any way, shape, or form. There are things I love about this place - I like the liberal, laid-back feel of SF, the acceptance of gays, women, interracial relationships, etc. But this shit is not for me. It just isn't. There. I said it. I feel much better.

Career/Job: Lawyer - either in entertainment or family law. Probably entertainment because I am a money-grubbing ho.

The physical: If I can get my body back to how it used to be in high school, I would love that. Being able to maintain a consistent size 8 would be fabulous. However, I want my t&a intact. I also want to bike and walk as much as humanly possible.

Love life: In a LTR or married. Preferably with someone I can both love and respect and who understands that I am batshit insane and loves me for it.

Lifestyle: FAB. I want to dress well, have my own sense of style, and be able to afford the luxuries I adore so much. These include - but are not limited to - coffee, designer purses, cocktails, mani/pedis, regular eyebrow threading, gadgets.

Education: my JD, for sure.

Accomplishments: I want to be fluent in Russian and I want to have traveled Europe.

That's all, folks! Sorry about the rambling, I just can't focus today.

i feel like shit.

I don't know what the fuck is up, but I feel like crap. I left work at 3:15 pm, only to come home and sleep for a good FOUR hours. I slept through TWO alarms that I'd set, as well as my daily birth control alarm. I feel sluggish and lazy. It took all the strength I had to get up to go eat dinner (I hadn't eaten since 11:30 and managed to get out of my bed at 10 pm). Right now I'm getting a little tired, which is good. I was worried. I'm thinking about staying home tomorrow because I don't know if I can deal (checking calendar... yes! no meetings at all!) I'm just not feeling like myself. I don't know what it is. If I'm sick... maybe I'm hormonal? I just have no clue. But I don't feel like me.

I'm all alone in my apartment, too, which sucks royally. I wanted TG to come over, but since I didn't wake up until 9 pm, by then it was too late to realistically do anything. He invited me for drinks with his co-workers tomorrow. I may go, but I'm so nervous. One, because I know they know about me. Two, I'll have to go with MB and I'm afraid that she'll remember all the things I said about him - the unattractive thing and the clingyness. It sucks how things change in your mind, but you can't always convey that properly to your friends. Three, I just feel like shit.

I want to curl up into a ball and die. But first I have to muster up one more burst of strength to take my damn contacts out. I'm starting to get a raging headache.

closer.

Last night, TG and I saw I'm Not There - the Bob Dylan flick. It was weird and I know nothing about Bob Dylan, but he reallllly wanted to see it and so I obliged him. I like movies and I like Cate Blanchett and on the whole I enjoyed the movie, even though I was confused through a lot of it since Bob Dylan was played by like 5 people, one of whom was this cute little Black boy. We had a pretty good time and lately I've noticed us getting closer.

He picked me up from the bus stop and we drove back to his house where we looked up movie times, etc etc. We had about 30 minutes before the bus was going to come so we decided to fool around a little. It was probably one of our best sexual encounters thus far, even though 30 minutes wasn't nearly enough... especially since I won't see him at all this weekend. There are many things I like about him. It's funny, cuz we totally skirt around the issue of what our relationship is and what we're doing together, but I like how vocal he is about our sex life and how he feels about it. I also enjoy figuring out what he likes in bed. I've never really had to do that before. I just had to be generically good. But with him, I know exactly what it takes to make him go completely crazy. I kind of like having that power.

Last night, he was teasing me about leaving him alone so often at night. How I never stay over anymore. Which is kind of true. And last night was the first night that I really wanted to stay. I hated going home after the movies, because I really just wanted to sleep in his bed and cuddle and be away from everything. The thing I like the most about our whatever-you-wanna-call-it is that it's so removed from everything else that's going on in my life. He doesn't know my friends, my family, my work situation. I get to just exist, remote from that. I kind of like that. It's like an escape. I've yet to determine if I think this is a good or a bad thing.

last night was insane.

Can we talk about how insanely drunk I was last night? So not a good idea. I went out with Freshman Year Best Friend (who keeps insisting that I refer to him as 'stud' on this blog - however, I've declined). Well, first we had drinks at his place and chatted about the sorry state of my love life and how our weekends were, etc etc. Then out to the Mission to hit up the bars, specifically Cha Cha Cha. Got realllly drunk, had long drunken convo about our friends, our lives, etc. Then I got convinced to go to Cancun - the taqueria that we both love. OMG, a taco never tasted so good. After that I hopped the bus and made it home by midnight.

I totally overslept this morning, which meant taking the 8:45 am shuttle instead of the 6:50 one. I missed my meeting (oh, well whatever), and I've been tooling around work for a while. I'm hoping to go home early so I have the energy to hang out with Tech Guy tonight. We're supposed to go see I'm Not There (the Bob Dylan movie) and I might break my no sleepovers on school nights rule. Depends on how he feels about driving me home around midnight. I'll have to check with him and see what the deal is.

I'm starting to feel like shit. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this week. All I know is I need to get plenty of sleep to be ready for Seattle this weekend! Yay! That means low-key Wednesday and Thursday nights.

Ho-kay, back to work!

i don't really know what's going on...

Yesterday with Tech Guy was interesting. I don't know what to think. A text message exchange we had last night.

TG: My pillows still smell like you
me: Haha. I hope that's a good thing.
TG: I'm cuddling with a pile of blankets where you slept.
me: Aww. I miss your bed. Our heat isn't working =(

Yeah, strange. I'm unsure about our status at this point.

This whole situation is weird to me, because, even at age 22, this is the longest sexual relationship I've ever had with a man. Mind you, it's only been 3 months, but my sex life is composed of flings and one-night stands. So three months is a long time. In the words of BFF, "I've had longer relationships with a handle of vodka than I've had with men." And so, because this is the longest I've been with a man, I'm unsure how to act.

And in some ways I'm in awe of what it's like to become familiar with another person's body. My favorite part of Tech Guy's body are his hands (yeah, shocking, right. haha). When we're in bed, I study them, I play with them. They're so different from my own, in color and texture. His hands are light and mine are dark and I hold them and look at the contrast. I bite my nails badly and his are smooth and neater than mine. I line my hand up against his and I hate the fact that his hands are bigger than mine. "They're supposed to be that way," he says. But, I hate not being in control, not having the dominant feature and so I grumble about it. I pull on each finger with my hand, lightly, so I don't crack them, and he laughs. I play with his hair - it's short, but I run my fingers through it, yank it, grab it. We compare noses - he makes fun of his typical Jewish nose and points out my smaller one - cute and button-like. It's so easy for me to lose myself when I'm in bed with someone like that. I always did the get in, get off, get out thing because it's easier. Even I can't maintain the cold aloofness I've learned to exhibit so well when I'm lying in bed with another person. And so, my confusion continues. I'd rather live in ignorance than try and question what I'm doing with this man.

boy updates!

Okay, so I promised stories on the Engineer. I came home the other night to two e-mails from him and I was kind of weirded out. The first one was just telling all of his contacts that he had changed his cell phone number. Okay, normal. I figured he'd just never removed me from his contacts - it happens. The next one was sent to only 5 people, so it was clear that I was meant to be on the list. In that particular gem of an e-mail was an invitation to a facebook event. And the facebook event was a 'no pants subway ride.' Basically, everyone gets onto the train and then takes off their pants. Needless to say, I thought that was the weirdest shit EVER. I mean, who invites a girl they dated and then disappointed to an event requiring no pants? Seriously. I thought it was really fucking strange. So I politely declined. He wrote back saying he had fun. Hopefully that's the last I hear from him. When I'm done with someone, I tend to be done.

Hung out with Tech Guy today. It was nice - I was pissed at him at first (long story having to deal with what I think is proper for a man to do) but the movie put me in better spirits. We saw There Will Be Blood - it was fucking amazing! Daniel Day-Lewis = superb. Anyway, we had dinner afterward. I thought our convo was kind of lacking - I don't know. Whatever. Then I went to his place and it was good. While we were in bed he told me that I was much nicer today. Haha. He said that I was "more cuddly and sweet." Which is funny because I didn't think that I was being more affectionate, but I guess I was. I don't know. I'm confused. But that's what happened. I can get into it later. I'm tired and cranky, having missed my daily weekend naps. Time for Persuasion on PBS - God how I love Jane Austen!

drunk.

I'm drunk right now. Or at least I think I am. It's weird. I had red bull and vodka, which I never really do, but did tonight because my choices were limited. It was nice, though. The fancy club I mean. Although no one was in it most of the time and the one time there were people, they were about 35, but still. I enjoyed the company of MB and my roommate.

I need to find an outlet to do the things I want to do. I'm getting stagnant and it's bothering me and you know why it's bothering me? Because it makes me think that my life would be so much better in New York and I don't like feeling that way. I like my friends and my life here, but the culture of California (or lack thereof --- OHHH SNAP!) is killing me. I can't take it anymore - I'm dyingggggg. I need to be back on the East Coast. Where things and attitudes are familiar to me. I cannot handle this. I just can't. I know I'm a party girl at heart and so I have to find a way to be that while in SF, which just might mean branching out a bit more. I need to figure out how to do that. I'm usually pretty good at that. Forcing change. I just need to get started and soon.

Oh, I cut my hair today. It scares me. I always hate it at first and then grow to love it. Shit. We'll see.

The alcohol feels like it's burning a hole in my stomach. FUCK.

Well tomorrow I get to see Tech Guy and he can make it all better. I love filling the hole in my heart with meaningless sex. You should try it. It works wonders. BTW, that was drunken sarcasm. HA - HA. Fuck, you have no idea how hard it is to type this and edit it so I don't sound like a drunken fool.

Peace.

Oh remind me, I have stories about The Engineer.

nag/brag

When I took my workshop on Female Sexuality at college, we had a little exercise called nags & brags that we did before every class. Every person would go around the room and say one thing that was bothering them (nag) and one thing that was going well (brag). I've decided to replicate the exercise on my blog, since I don't feel like writing anything particularly profound today. I always did my nags first so I could end on a positive note.

Nags:
- One of my friends (who I know doesn't read this blog, so don't worry - it's not you) is bothering the hell of me. This person's personality quirks are killing me and I don't know how much more I can take. I'll just make myself scarce next week, which is pretty damn hard to do. UGH.
- Work is boring me. I need to get through this hump. Because right now I can't imagine working for the rest of my life and that's scary.
- I feel disgusting lately. I totally need to work out some more. It's kind of shitty.

Brags:
- Next week I'm visiting Shruti in Seattle!
- Me and MB are visiting Sheila in February!
- I'm going out tonight with a fun group of girls to go drinking and partying at a fancy club for free!
- I'm getting my hair, nails, feet, and brows done today. AWESOME!
- I just got paid.


So that's where I am. I'm just hoping this whole friend situation gets a little bit better soon. Because I may just have to choke someone...

"they say that time changes things...

...but you actually have to change them yourself." ~ Andy Warhol

I just like that quote. I think it's true. I wanted to write about change and growth and life and newness, but I have some housekeeping issues to handle first.

1. My best friend from college, whom I love dearly and who I miss SO much, has a blog. Because I'm a good friend, I'm trying to pimp it out. Anyone who knows me offline probably knows her and you should read it. Here's the link. She wrote this awesome post on black women and our hair-straightening frenzy that was awesome.

2. I bought a domain name! I don't know why I did it, but I just did because I'm impetuous and random like that. I can't tell you it because it's www my-first-name-my-last-name com and I'm trying to be anonymous, but I'm super excited. Also, there's nothing up there right now, so it's not like you really need to see it.

3. Work is so goddamn stressful. I'm running these reports and every time I turn around someone wants something else. But a chick from my team that I really like just came by and said the info was super-useful and she acknowledged that it must've been a bitch to pull. That makes me happy. That's all I ask for - a little recognition.

4. I went over a co-worker's house yesterday! It was so much fun! I'm being social and making work friends instead of just keeping in my little bubble of college folk! That makes me really happy.

5. Tech Guy and I were supposed to hang out last night but I bailed for the aforementioned co-worker thing (I'm sorry, but making new friends still trumps the man thing), and he told me he missed me. I was a mixture of surprised, appalled, scared, and elated. Weirdness.

6. This weekend is going to be awesome: having a me-night on Friday - no going out, just me, maybe a bottle of wine, and a movie! Saturday - I'm getting my hair did, along with nails and brows because that night I'm going to this ultra-cushy club where we're getting free table service because MB's roomie won this contest on the radio. I cannot wait. I'm getting all dolled up (little black dress here I come!) and getting so incredibly wasted. Cue the table-dancing! Sunday - seeing a movie of *my* choice and getting booty from Tech Guy. Awesome. Is it Friday yet?

Okay, that's all. Tomorrow will be introspective and revealing and all that other lovely stuff I seem to be so good at.

the best laid plans...

Well, today was supposed to be the start of my new year, new life, but somehow that got royally fucked up. I knew it was going to be a bad day when I had to run to catch the shuttle, which led to me developing this ridiculous cough and also realizing how completely out of shape I've become. I was totally all about going to the gym, but now all I want to do is go home, which I know can't happen until 7:10, but if I go to the gym, we're talking about leaving at 8:45. I need to figure out a way to make this thing work. Maybe I should start coming in early? Grrr.

Anyway work was ridiculous today --- all these last minute requests, I'm barely treading water. It's going to royally suck tonight and tomorrow. Pretty much when I go home I'm going to have time for nothing but *maybe* a shower and then some unpacking and bedtime. Talking to Freshman Year Best Friend has renewed my desire to go to the gym, along with the bag of Swedish fish and the other bag of pirate's booty that I ate. Ugh. I also feel so sluggish and I know working out will help with that. I also finally started the pill yesterday so I'm afraid of gaining weight from that, so I'm going to be working out like mad. Elliptical, rowing machine, situps today at work, followed by the exercise bike at home. I love that we have that now - it's fucking awesome!

Okay, I should get back to work.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

it's been a while.

So I took a little time off from the blog for a while to get back into the swing of things here in CA. The weather has been absolutely fucking ridick here - the rain is crazy! If this is winter in CA, I don't know how long I'm going to last. I went out yesterday without an umbrella and came home looking like a fucking drowned rat. I enjoyed going back to work, though. There's something about the little world that my company has created that makes me feel at home. My new office can get kind of lonely, but it allows me to do what I please and focus when I need to do so.

So I've been thinking about men lately (shocking!) and I've come to a couple of conclusions, many of them completely useless. Firstly, I'm not quite ready to give up on my hunt. I thought I was for a while, thought I was ready to just forget about men and enjoy my (semi) singleness. But I'm not too sure about that now. I think it's okay to look, as long as I do it in conjunction with some other things. I want to focus on making some new friends, putting myself out there, and doing some more entertaining in my home. And the whole hunt for Mr. Right can take place in tandem with that. I just don't want man-hunting to be at the top of the list.

Secondly, there's the whole Tech Guy situation. We went out to the movies last night and it was good times. We ate dinner beforehand and chatted. He told me about a date he'd went on -- "honestly, I really didn't want to go with her. I just wanted to see the movie." Then he marveled at how weird I am when I told him about my love of all things Russian. He gave me this look, I can't really describe it, but this 'I'm kind of fascinated with you' look. I don't know what to make of it. Post-movie we went back to his place, had some wine, and since no one was home I told him I wanted to get it on on the couch, so we did. Honestly, I think it was the best hook-up we've had thus far. I still don't know about him. Blondie thinks I really like him and need to man up (woman up?) and just admit it, but I don't know. I just don't know. I'm a fickle creature.

And now, I'm at home watching the Disney channel and preparing to do battle with the war zone that is my bedroom. I got TG to wake up at 7:45 and drop me home so I could get an early start, so I suppose I shouldn't let it go to waste. I had profound things to say about men and relationships, but blah, I can't focus. Time to be productive.

the death of the engineer.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is officially over between me and the engineer. Done, finished, ended. I just found out today. He e-mailed me something along the lines of "my heart is elsewhere, but I've enjoyed getting to know you. We should hang out sometime." I'm not *crushed* per se, because as I mentioned in the last entry, I hadn't been doing anything particularly aggressive in making shit happen, but I am sad. You know, I just get so pissed off sometimes. It's like what's wrong with me? Why can I not secure a decent, functional relationship with someone that I like and care about. It's like every guy that I like never wants me back in the same way and all the guys that are over the moon about me I don't like 'in that way.' I mean, I should've seen the signs - the aloofness and whatnot. But, STILL. I wish he would've said something a bit earlier. I have to say one thing. Thank God that JamBam told me not to burn any bridges with Tech Guy and thank God that something inside me listened to that statement because I totally almost counted my chickens before they'd hatched.

So, how am I feeling about this because we know I have to analyze everything. On the global scale, I'm frustrated at my inability to connect with men. Am I unattractive? I don't believe that's the case because I certainly don't have any problems FUCKING THEM. Sorry, that was the irrational in me coming out. Am I emotionally retarded? Probably. On the local level, I'm less upset by the fact that I'm not in a relationship with 'the engineer' than I am that I'm not in a relationship, period. I feel like if I had really wanted him I would have worked a little harder and not let so much time pass. I should've been more aggressive because then maybe he would've turned me down faster - haha. But the doubt was always there. So, to summarize, I'm more upset by the implication of this than I am about the man in question. BUT he did restore my faith in mankind. At least I know there are suave, sophisticated, sweet men out there who aren't total douchebags. So that was a positive.

Now, Tech Guy. I don't know what happens now. He was the first person I went to see when I got off the plane. We had dinner and then went back to his place to hook up. It was good and bad. Our sex life is certainly not perfect and I want to do something to change that, but then there are parts of it that are FANTASTIC. So it's weird. Today was especially good, though. I didn't want to leave and I don't think he wanted me to, either. We stayed in bed for wayyy longer than I'd planned. Then I came home and received 'the e-mail.'

So... what the fuck do I do now? I don't want to be friends. That's weird. And yet I also don't want to be an immature bitch. So what do I do?

I'm reminded of one of my favorite songs:
"You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take

How long must I wait
How much more can I take
Before loneliness will cause my heart
Heart to break?"

Something to ponder...

new year's eve in manhattan.

Last night was the first New Years I've spent away from the fam. Normally I spend the 'holiday' sitting on my bed listening to music, only to come out of my stupor around 11:30 pm, running to the den to kick it with my parents while waiting for the ball to drop. Then I go to bed. In other words, lame lame lame. So this year, I decided to do the Manhattan NYE. I went to the city with my friends, had a Mexican dinner, and then off to a club to dance the night away.

I had an amazing time, although I think I kind of shocked my friends. You see, one thing that I'm never quite willing to admit about myself is that I'm a really big flirt when I want to be. I don't even know what it is, but it's just like a switch is flipped and all of a sudden, I'm crazy and vivacious and just so open and free. Most of my LI friends don't know me in that way and so it can be kind of hard for me to show that side of myself. So I basically spent the first half of the night chatting and dancing with the male friend of one of my high school friends. He was visiting from school and came out to the party. It was completely harmless and I didn't want anything to happen, but I could still feel myself doing the whole crazy flirt thing - dancing with him, having him get me drinks, talking.

Then, I don't know what was up, but this random, skinny, decent-looking white guy stood next to my group of friends and was looking at us. So I kind of looked at him and laughed. And he totally called me on it - "Are you laughing at me?" So I said I wasn't, I was just laughing. Then he gave me that 'I think you're kinda cute' look and we started dancing. He totally tried to stick his tongue down my throat, but I need names first, so I got the lowdown on him. Lives in NJ, works in Times Square for a firm I've actually heard of and went to school upstate. That was all I needed to start the full-on, dance-floor makeout sesh that followed. It was kinda awk cuz the LI BFFs were there and I like to keep it clean when we go out. They were totally watching me and taking pix (omg, embarassing), but I kept my shit together. Mr. NJ was definitely trying to mack it. Totally tried to put my hands down his own pants and he tried putting his down mine. But, I'm a lady (HA) or at least I was trying not to be a complete slut, so I nipped that in the bud. The friends started getting antsy so I told him I had to go, to which he just kept kissing me and acting like he couldn't hear me. We went over to a quiet little corner (or as quiet as it gets in a club) and I know he was trying to seal the deal, but I was staying with JamBam and he was staying with a friend in Queens so it just wasn't going to work. He asked for my number and I gave it to him, but I figured it was futile since I'm going back to SF tomorrow. Oh, well. At least I got some kind of New Years action even if my friends think I'm a dirty whore.

So yeah, first New Year without the fam. Hot.

Oops! I forgot the most important thing. Last night, the Engineer sent me a text message saying Happy New Year! SO FUCKING EXCITED. It totally just put the frosting on the cake. I plan on calling him in another couple of minutes to make plans for my return and say hey! Wee!