block.

Gah! I hate bloggers block. Well, I guess it's not that I'm blocked, it's more that I have so many things to say and I'm not sure where to start and it's all confusing and weird. And then I struggle with how much to reveal here, what I can and can't say, and that bothers me. Because this is supposed to be a haven, a place to explore the recesses of my mind and get everything out there.

I am a moody person. Horribly moody, in fact. It's in my nature and I love riding each mood out and seeing where it takes me, exploring my emotion, learning and growing. After my PE (pulmonary embolism), I've had so many emotions and it's been great exploring them here. I am looking forward to using this as a chance to be a better person, to learn something about myself. I enjoy my valleys just as much as my peaks because without them you can never be whole. And sadness helps me write. Scratch that. Emotion helps me write - strong bursts of emotion. Whether it's anger, sadness, joy, all of those make me a better writer and I would never want to rid myself of them.

I have more to say, a lot more, but I can't find the words right now. Maybe later.

a little better.

Talking with people makes me feel much better. I talked to College BFF, I talked to my mother, and I talked to MB. And we've decided on a quote of the day - "Life is too short to be unhappy." It's so true. I'm so ready to make myself happy, however that may be. I'm not sure if that's just moving to New York or if that's making other changes in my life, but I'm going to try and start making myself happy. Doing what I want, when I want to, and learning to say no when something just isn't up my alley.

new. clean.

Today I went to work. Today, I also took my first shower in a week. Gross, right? That's when I know my life is bad, when I don't bathe and I don't go anywhere and I don't do anything. I just lounge. I don't think I changed my clothes for about 3 or 4 days. It was good to feel water on my skin again, to sit with my body and deal with its aches and pains.

The shots still sting. I can see all the little needle pricks in my stomach. Shiny red dots. Inflicting pain on oneself is hard, even moreso when it has a purpose. I find it easy to hurt myself for no reason, but when there's cause, when it's helpful, that's when it's hardest for me.

Blondie asked if I've lost weight because my clothes are hanging a bit. I honestly don't know. I'm disconnected from my body and it feels foreign. I don't really eat. I'm not hungry. People wonder why I make lists - why I write things down like brush teeth, wash face, use bathroom. I do it because if I don't write it down, there's the chance I won't do it. I write down eat breakfast and eat lunch now just so I remember that I have to eat. If not, I could probably go a whole day eating nothing but a cookie.

I stand naked in front of the full-length mirror in my room. I suppose I look the same. My face looks worn and tired. My breasts feel heavy and they hurt. My feet are dry. I've sworn off shaving in part because I don't want to risk cutting myself and bleeding to death from the blood thinners, but mainly because I'm lazy and unmotivated and I don't want to change or alter my body. I want it to just be. At least for a while. I know I'll go back to normal, where I primp and preen and pluck and wax and shave. So for now it's nice to just be the way God made me.

I hate hormones and I hate medicine and I hate everything that changes my body and my mood. Everything that makes me irritable and tired and drowsy. But now I need the medication and so I'm stuck. I feel all disconnected. Please fix.

back in san francisco.

I got back to the city this afternoon and it's been strange so far. It's weird to be back in my apartment, with my SF friends, in this odd city that's so familiar and yet so foreign at the same time. I don't know how I feel about it. I just want to be back home, with familiar faces. Seeing College BFF was so amazing. I forgot how much fun we could have. I don't think I stopped laughing the whole weekend.

And now I have to make some life changes. I'm not sure how or what, but I just don't want my life to be the same. Best case scenario, I have about 4 more months in SF. I can use them to get healthy, to better myself, to read and learn and write and grow. Worse case scenario, it's another year here and I have to figure out how to make my life work here for another year.

I just wish I was allowed to be moody and solitary. I think that's what I want for the next month at least. No drugs, no alcohol, minimal social contact. I just want to be with myself, alone in my thoughts. Sometimes that's what I need to move forward.

i can't sit still, so i need to write.

I really don't want to go back to California tomorrow. I just don't. I'm not ready and thinking about it makes me cry. I love being in my parents' house, away from the drama of California, able to just sleep and chill and relax without any stress. I'm afraid my body won't deal well with going back to work and life. Especially since my numbers are still off. But this is the busiest time of year and I can't just fall back. I don't want to just fall back. Sigh.

I love being in my parents' house. I like walking around, reliving memories, being childlike. Not having to do anything for myself. Sleeping when I need it, eating food that's prepared for me (well, I suppose I do that at work), enjoying premium cable. And then tomorrow I have to go back to the sorry state of life in California. I can't even do the things I like to do. I mean, I'll probably be off of alcohol for at least the next month for sure, but most likely for the next 3 months. Ugh. Which means I have nothing. No significant others, no outlet, nothing. I mean, I guess I have my friends, but I'll be too tired to be how I normally am with them.

I just don't know if I can handle it. I want to retreat. I need to retreat. This is what I do. I ponder, I think, I write, I laugh, I cry, I mull, I mope, I pace. All of which is easier to do at home. I just don't know. I hate things right now. Too much to worry about. And I know I'm stronger than this and I'll get over it, but for right now it just sucks.

it's finally over.

So yeah, I think that things between Tech Guy and I are completely and totally over. Not over in the sense that I've said anything to him or completely ended the relationship, but in my heart and in my mind, I'm totally over it.

I spent most of my weekend in DC listening to the BFF tell me about how I need to end it with this guy for a multitude of reasons, which I'll refrain from stating here because well... haha, they're super mean and snarky (which is why I LOVE BFF). Not only does college BFF dislike him but so does high school BFF and if it's one thing I've learned, it's to listen to my friends.

But that's not why I'm ending it. No, not at all. I'm my own person, I always have been - I mean, I saw him for months knowing most of my friends were skeptical, and in general, I kind of do what I want. What it really came down to was the other day.

So I asked him if he could do me a favor and pick me up from the airport when I get back on Sunday. To which he responds "Well, why can't you just take the super shuttle. Door to Door for only $16." I pretty much tell him I don't want to take the super shuttle and just figured I should ask friends before I shell out $16 and wait for a shuttle. He then accuses me of trying to get other people to spend money for me and saying that next time I should use a better excuse - like time or health. To which I wanted to respond - "Look you ASSHOLE. I'm obviously asking you because I'm sick. As in blood-clot-in-my-lung, could-have-died sick. Do you know that 1/3 of hospital deaths are pulmonary embolisms? I'm not asking you because I don't have the money. I'm not asking you because I'm cheap. I'm asking you because we're supposed to be FRIENDS and FRIENDS are supposed to help one another out in times of need. So FUCK YOU." God, I'm getting mad even typing it out again.

Anyway, I asked Freshman Year BFF and he of course said YES without asking any questions or making me explain myself. Because unlike some people, he's a decent human being and a really good friend. I'm too tired to look for it now, but Shruti wrote a really good post about being used to a certain caliber of friend and I totally agree. I have good - no, scratch that - amazing friends, who I honestly believe would be there for me come whatever. I don't need to put up with second-rate bullshit, because quite frankly, I'm not that hard up for friendship. And I know he's not my boyfriend (hell, I'm glad at this point), but I figured we were still friends. And this was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't expect him to spend time nursing me back to health, I just wanted a fucking ride home from the airport. Really.

I can put up with a lot of bullshit, but because I know that there are some really kindhearted, generous souls out there, I cannot put up with bullshit friends. And that's that.

long and long-overdue update

Sweet Jesus, it has been a hell of a week. I started off last Friday going with MB to go visit College BFF. I won't get into all the details, but DC was amazing. It was so good to see her and so good to have the 3 Musketeers reunited again. I love those girls SO MUCH you have no idea and it brought back all these memories. I know how lucky I am to have friends that great. I also absolutely LOVE DC and could totally see myself working or living there at some point in life. Then there was the hospital. Oh Lord, the hospital. 

So Sunday night was our last night in DC and I started having this thing that felt like a cramp, right? All of a sudden, it became hard to laugh and the pain was just constant - nothing overwhelming, but constant. I thought I had just eaten too much or the Indian food was bad or something. But then I woke up around 4:30 am and the pain had worsened. I got up, walked around, tried to use the bathroom, drank some water and just sat up reading Cosmo. Around 5:30 am, I tried getting back in the bed, but I couldn't lie on my back, my side, or my stomach without excruciating pain. By now, the pain was radiating up my arm and I was having trouble breathing. I tried to sit up in the den and then all of a sudden, I started hysterically crying, which freaked BFF out because I NEVER cry. So I called my parents up freaking out and crying and they told me to go to the hospital.

After a million tests, they determined that I had a blood clot in my lung. It probably traveled up from my leg (remember how I had that odd leg pain after Disney?) and got into my lung. They say my risk would be my long flight rides and the birth control pills I'd started taking, which I stopped after the period from hell. So yeah... blood clots.

How am I feeling now? Well, my clotting factors are not normal yet and I'm still taking pills and a twice daily shot (which is right now the bane of my existence). Other than that, I'm feeling relieved - relieved that I stopped taking the pill the second I felt wrong, relieved that I went to the hospital and didn't just try and take some medicine and call it a day, relieved that I was on the East Coast because it made it that much easier to get to my parents in New York. I also feel stupid - stupid for not seeing someone sooner about the pill and the pain in my leg, stupid for not taking better care of myself, stupid for feeling that youth = invincibility. I'm also scared. Last night, I started having pain again and I started crying because I was so afraid that I was going to die overnight. And I wasn't really scared of death, but I was mad that I wouldn't get to do all I wanted to do, and truth be told, I was scared for my everlasting soul. I haven't been thinking about God or religion at all lately. And that worries me. I used to be so spiritual and now *poof* gone. 

So change is coming. And it has to come fast. Life is just too goddamn short. I could die tomorrow and if I do, I want to know that I did everything I wanted to or that I was at least trying my darnedest.

This is already long, so I'll save the details for tomorrow.

xoxo,

CJ

neglect.

Okay, I've been neglecting you like whoa because I was in the hospital in DC on Monday (I'm fine) and now I'm at my parent's house in NY. But I'm tired and sick and UGH and so I have lots of catching up to do at some point in the future.

Sorry! I'll try harder!

crazy busy.

Wow, I haven't updated in a while. BAD BAD BAD. Work has just been so busy - I've been swamped and then I've been going out a lot so it's rough. I promise to post about my Valentine's Day with TG, as well as work stuff.

For now, though - I'm off to DC to visit College BFF!!!!!! I'm SO SO SO excited. I miss her like whoa and it's going to be AWESOME.

Posts to follow after President's Day.
Have a great long weekend!

"Life isn't about finding yourself.

Life is about creating yourself." ~ anonymous

That's my all-time favorite quote. I have a card with that quote sitting on top of my bookshelf and I also have a mug with the same message. But lately, I feel like I've been forgetting what that quote means and I haven't been living by the words that once meant so much to me.

Theoretically, I should be happy here. I have a lot of friends, an active social life, and I'm getting laid on a regular basis. But something inside me is keeping me from whatever it is that makes me happy and instead of doing something about it, I'm sitting on my ass and complaining and whining and being bitchy. Not helpful.

I'm not just going to stumble upon my own happiness. Life doesn't work that way - you have to make it work for you. When I was in college, I was so unhappy for a year and a half and so I did what I do best - I got up and I made the changes that I needed to make and ended up having a fabulous junior and senior year. I don't see why this is any different.

I love challenge. I welcome it and embrace it. And this is a challenge. I'm not giving up on New York just yet, but I'm also not going to sit on my ass until March and wait to find out if I can move. I'm going to start doing the things that I need to do to make myself happy and God willing, I'll make something of my life in San Francisco.

so incredibly tired.

I am about ready to fall down in  my tracks. I don't know why... I've been going to bed every day at like 10 pm and waking up at 6. Eight hours is wayyy more sleep than I usually get. Maybe I just need to come in late tomorrow. That might help.

OMG, so excited --- tomorrow starts Russian class! I am SO stoked. I miss taking a language class and I'll also get to meet some new people at work, which is really exciting.

In other news, I'm headed to Martuni's tonight. It's this piano/martini bar. I cannot wait. I think it'll be good times. I'm probably going to want to turn in early though.

Sorry for the lame update. My brain is pretty much dead.

maybe i just have SAD...

So I've been thinking that maybe I just have Seasonal Affective Disorder - ya know, where you get sad in the winter when there's not as much light and it's yucky and gross out. Because this weekend was beautiful and I felt better about living in SF. Saturday was gorgeous, so I went out and did some retail therapy. Spent wayyyy more than I should've, but got some really nice things. And then Sunday was another bright and sunny day and I spent it with some friends and for the first time in a long time, I felt okay being social. Everything was good, no one got on my nerves, I didn't feel detached or disconnected. It was amazing. Maybe the cloud is lifting. I'm still not sold on life here in the Bay Area, but at least I know if I have to do it for another year I won't go batshit crazy and kill myself. Always good to know.

This should be more profound or better-written but fuck that. I'm going to the gym because my goal is to get in shape before Commencement and in order to do that I need to stop eating shit and start working out. So I'm going to get on that.

Peace!

in which i meet his friends.

So, last night, TG and I went his co-worker's housewarming party in the Marina. It was a pretty good time and kind of big for us (note, I don't know what 'us' is and I'm trying to stay as unattached as possible, but I mean, we are an us - we just are). We got there ridiculously early. Like way way way earlier than we should have. So we turned around and went out and got drinks (he paid). Then we came back. It was nice - I got to meet his co-workers and they were all friendly and it was nice to sit and chat with him and his friends. I wasn't glued to his side all night, but spent most of the evening with him. I was a little taken aback when I met one of his co-workers and she was like "OMG, it's so good to finally meet you! TG talks about you all the time! We're all so happy you came!" It was a little bit of a shock, but also pretty nice.

Nothing really noteworthy happened. We went to the party, grabbed some food afterwards, and then went back to his place, where I spent the night. Oh, shit, I almost forgot. Something noteworthy did happen on the bus. He asked me what my plans for V day were. Haha. I thought I was going to have to wait until we were in bed to get him to go somewhere with me, but he asked first, with absolutely no prodding. So we're going to go out. Yay!

Also... because I told my friends that we had a V-day date, when we were at Dave and Buster's today, they decided that all our tickets would go towards getting a V-day gift for him. So right now, sitting on top of my bookshelf are two hideous stuffed cats - one pink and one purple (his and hers - get it...) with these huge ass eyes and funny makeup. I haven't decided if I'm ballsy enough to give them to him, but those things make me laugh every time I look at them. Good Lord. Haha - Okay, time for more productivity!

depressed and anti-social.

Before I launch into a tirade on how I hate my life and everything about it, can I just say congrats to my baby brother, Juan (hahahaha, this might be my favorite pseudonym EVER), for getting into college and getting a scholarship!!!!!! I'm so happy for him and I know my mother is thrilled because she was so nervous that it wouldn't happen. So yay!

In other, closer to the title news, I told my mother that I'm seriously gunning to be in New York City by this summer. She didn't say anything, but she seemed really keen on the idea. HAHA. I love how my mom and I never talk openly about things like that. Things I'll never say - "I'm so unhappy here that I want to hang myself." Things she'll never say - "I miss you and would like it if you were close." Oh, mom... and you all wonder why I'm an emotionless shrew...

ANYHOW. Yesterday I did the rudest thing ever and I just didn't give a fuck. That's the stage that I'm at now... where I could care less what anyone thinks of me. Seriously. I honestly do not give a shit. I can't even lie about anything anymore. I hate it here. I love my job and working for the **** is amazing, but I need a locale change STAT. I'm going to kill someone pretty soon. The sick thing is - I'd be happy if I just knew that I could get changed to that office. But, I don't even know if it's possible. If I knew I was stuck here for another year, I could just fix shit and move on. But I'm in limbo and I could care less about burning bridges. UGH.

Yeah, so yesterday I was insanely anti-social. We had our weekly movie night and I just was so tired from Disney and so tired of life that I couldn't deal. I came home late and locked myself up in my room and went to bed at 9:30. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I'm at the point where I can't just smile and act like everything is okay. I also cannot handle group interactions right now. I can do 1:1, maybe a group of 3 or 4. Anything more than that makes me want to scream. ARG. Is this shit over yet?

obligatory TG follow-up.

Last night, I saw him for the first time in a long time. Or at least what felt like a long time... about a week and a half, I think. I was a little nervous beforehand, unsure about what the dynamic would be between us - would he wanna hook up, would he not wanna hook up, would it be 'just sex' or would it be the normal half-hot and heavy, half-affectionate thing we usually do. I wasn't really sure, but Shruti told me not to stress, so I didn't. I took a nap instead and when I got up I showered and got (semi) prettied up for him.

When he came over he said I looked good... which he always says and I always appreciate. He came into my room and sat on my comfy leather chair while I sat on the bed. I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to touch him or what, especially since he'd chosen the chair over me and the bed. But I sat close to him and put my feet up and he rubbed my leg, as if to reassure me that things were good between us. It took about a half a century (okay, I exaggerate), but I finally got him to get into bed with me and commence the hooking up process. We didn't have sex because I didn't really want to (BC issues... UGH), but we did everything else and it was fine. He's been stressed lately so it took him some time to loosen up, but it was good once he did. As much as I'm trying not to get attached to him, there are certain things I like about him - especially the smile he gets on his face when we're finished and we're just cuddling.

After that, we were hungry, so we went out to grab some pizza down the street. Then he took me to a bar near my house and we got drinks (his treat - maybe my standards are rubbing off on him... lol). Then he peaced out to go home and do work. It was a pretty good night. We talked a lot, about real things, about how unhappy we are in nearly every aspect of our lives. He was warm and affectionate towards me and I let him get away with more PDA than I normally do. It was just... nice. But I don't feel like I'm crazy attached, which is good. Sigh... more to come I'm sure.

disney was awesome!

It was amazing. My team is phenomenal. We had a lot of fun and I love getting drunk with co-workers, especially on the company dime. It was a really refreshing trip, good to get away from the office and San Francisco and life. It was much better than I expected. There were some bumps... there are always bumps... but all in all it was a good time.

I took lots of pictures - maybe I'll post some here, but they'll also be on Tumblr and Facebook.

Now I have to do that crazy thing where I get my life in order. FUN.

Tomorrow is totally going to suck. Maybe I'll go into work late.

DISNEY!

I *finally* got to Anaheim, CA after what feels like a long-ass day of travel, even though I guess it wasn't that long. I came *this close* to missing my flight because I was too busy running my mouth with the roomie and cleaning and doing a whole host of things that really didn't need to be done. Instead of packing, showering, and washing my hair, which I still had to do and it made me late.

I'm all alone in the hotel, which is nice. It reminds me of the HR Summit back in the fall or even when I first interviewed out here for my current job. Blondie's at dinner with her team and Brownie (my other roommate) is doing the same. My team is all over the place, so I'll probably just go across the street and grab some Wendy's and bring it back to the hotel and then maybe grab a drink while I wait for people to materialize. I'm also tired as fuck and super excited about the company day at Disney tomorrow. I'm going to need all the rest I can get. It's going to be an all-day affair.

Sitting on the shuttle bus over here, I'm reminded that I am very lucky to work for this firm, at this time, in this place. It makes me question how many perks I'll lose if I go for this whole NYC office thing. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll still be baller (lol), but I won't be at HQ. So we'll see.

In boy news, Tech Guy texted me this morning telling me to have fun at Disney and saying he'd see me when I get back. Yay?!

drama drama drama.

So, the situation is still not resolved between us. Us being me and Tech Guy cuz obvs he's all I talk about. So today I went over to Freshman Year Best Friend's house to watch the game, which was PAINFUL because they were all Patriots fans. Now, I have nothing against the Patriots, but I hate having to listen to anyone talk smack about New York, even though I'm not a Giants fan. I'm a New York fan and I don't want to hear that shit. God, I wish I could've been there to see the look on their faces when they ate their words and the Giants won. But, I won't gloat. I'm classier than that. Anyway, I got really sad and left early because I didn't want to hear NY bashing and I just wasn't myself (I also think the food I ate last night made me sick, but that's another story).

So I really, desperately wanted to see TG. I knew he hadn't made any Super Bowl plans, so I offered to come over and told him that I really wanted to see him, but he just kind of blew me off. I asked him if he was mad at me or if he was still upset and he said he wasn't and that things between us were fine, but they didn't seem fine. He was moody and detached. So I gave up since he was "going to relax and watch TV by myself." GOD, I HATE MEN. So here's what I've decided. I'm going to Disneyland tomorrow and not coming back til Wednesday. So for the next three days I will have NO contact with this man. Then on Thursday we can see how things go. Because right now, I am not happy. Grrr. But, I'm starting to care less and less, which is a good thing. I just really don't want to start from scratch right now and I really don't want to give him up just yet.

hmm... it's complicated.

Okay. This is going to be long and rambly. Which is what happens when you neglect your blog during an intense period of time. Whoops. So let's see, where am I? Basically, TG and I are back on. But not in the same way we were. I don't know. We'll see. Expect tons of confusion and vacillating and craziness over the next week or so. I'm a fickle individual and this is hard for me. But, like I said to Freshman Year Best Friend:

me: he makes me happy
me: and i need that right now
me: and when he stops making me happy
me: i will leave

FYBF seemed to think that was a good policy. Simple, cut and dry. I know it's not perfect, I know there are holes, but I'll just say this. I am willing to put up with not defining our thing now that I know where we stand. I think that before I really wanted a relationship because I thought that's where things were headed. But, now that I know his uncertainty behind that, it will allow me to separate myself a little bit and get some control over my emotions.

We talked yesterday on the phone for an hour and a half. Started off with small-talk, then moved onto the big stuff. He apologized for doing that to me at work. He says he often makes stupid mistakes like that because thoughts pop into his head and he just has to say them. He admitted that he made a mistake and picked a horrible time to do it. He apologized for making me cry at work and making me upset. He also said that he saw our relationship in a different light - that I was keeping him secret and we had this separate little thing. And that's not what he wants out of a relationship. He wants some whirlwind romance where you want to see the person every day and they're integrated into every part of each other's life. To be honest with you, folks, that's never been how I operate. I mean, I think I should've integrated him more into my life and done it sooner, but I'm a cautious person. Maybe he operates differently than I do and wants to dive in, but shit, I need to dip my foot in the water and ease myself in. I don't just leap. So we differ in that respect.

He also talked about his issues in the past and how one of his old girlfriends hurt him and changed the way he thinks about things. There's nothing I can do about that. I mean, I have baggage like everyone else, but in the words of Mimi from Rent "Life's too short, babe. Time is flying. I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine."

More was said. It's hard to document an hour and a half long convo and remember all the high and low points. But I think what I took away from it is this. Things are going to be confusing for a while. I don't think I'm what he wants in the long-term and to be honest, he's not what I want in the long term. He would've been good for now and I'm sad that I won't have that opportunity to explore my feelings for him as deeply as I want to. So we're going to be ambiguous for a while. But we both care about each other and we're not ready to end whatever it is that we're doing. I just have to change my perception on things. And to be honest, after what went down on Friday, my guard is already back up. Maybe this isn't the best thing, maybe it isn't healthy. But I need a transition period. And this option gives me that.

Whew. That was hard.

from one asshole to another...

Well, my luck strikes again. I move from the i-banking asshole who broke my heart to the engineering asshole who broke my heart. Except this time it hurts more. Because this time I invested 3 months of my life on him... three months that I'll never get back. And I know I wasn't perfect and I know I'm not easy to be with, but I was trying, I was trying so goddamned hard to open up. I introduced him to my friends. I spent nights over there. I let him into my life and what does he do? He breaks up with me ONLINE while I'm AT WORK, the day we're supposed to hang out. Now, I'm not going to lie and say I didn't expect this. He had been cooling off to me for about a week. Less text messages, less talking at work, less IMs, he was more unavailable. But I gave him his space and didn't press. I know work was stressing him and people get busy. Plus, he came out with my friends on Tuesday and he was nice and kind and funny and affectionate and very couply with me. And now, this. I've NEVER had a man make me cry at my motherfucking job before. So that you for that, Tech Guy. Thank you for turning a girl who was already an ice queen into something even worse. Because, really, what the fuck is the point? When I was aloof and unsure, he couldn't get enough of me. And now that I've committed, now that I want to be with him in a relationship, a REAL relationship, all of a sudden now he doesn't want to be with me. He wants to be "friends."

Fuck him. Just FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK him. YES, I'm angry. You're damn right I'm angry. I fucking hate men and their bullshit. I just fucking hate it. So now the one thing about SF that was giving me some sort of pleasure is now gone. Ain't life a bitch.

I'll follow up on specifics once I calm the fuck down.