i need to step this shit up.

For real, son. I never write anymore. Or at least I never write about anything serious and I feel like I never have time for more than a snapshot of my life. So here goes my attempt to try and rectify that. At least a little bit. Basically, there's been a few of things on my mind recently. The first would be the fact that I'm most likely moving to NYC this summer. The second would be my delicate health. Lastly, there's been a bunch of drama going on out here in the city by the bay. Nothing too insane and nothing I feel at liberty to discuss, but it has been taking up some of my brainpower.

As far as moving to New York City goes... I don't know if I can talk about that just yet. There's so much that's swirling in my head and I know that I'm too tired right now to give it justice.

So then there's my health. Ugh, my INR is still not stable. It dipped to 1.2, down from 2.3, which is disappointing. I'm not sure what it is - that I skipped some of the doses (yeah, I know... but it's hard to remember to take a pill every day), that I've started eating green veggies (the doctor said it's okay and that we'll work around it), or that I've started drinking again (he hasn't mentioned liquor to me, but I should probably mention it to him). I need to try really hard to get my shit together. Luckily, I'm determined to do better in April. I've decided to pretty much tattoo the word pill onto my palm so that I see it at all times. I've also resigned myself to spending the next month eating the same fucking meals at the same fucking time every goddamn day. Lame, I know, but really the best thing for this kind of illness. Drinking - I know I cannot put a cap on my drinking for too long, so instead I'm thinking moderation and a set drinking schedule with little to no variation. Sweet. Here's to progress.

Lastly, I just want to say that lately I've been feeling really bitter. I feel like people I know haven't been taking my illness seriously and not realizing that what I went through was life-threatening and scary. If you're reading this, I can guarantee you that you're not one of the people I'm thinking of. So you don't even have to ask =) Anyway... yeah. I felt like I came back to CA and there was just no acknowledgement of the fact that I had a near-death experience that scared the shit out of me. I know that I'm not the most emotionally open person on earth, but I reserve my emotions because I don't want to alarm anyone. But when I got home from the hospital, I cried myself to sleep at least 3 or 4 times a week, desperately worried that I was going to die. And sometimes that still happens to me. I just wish that people would be more accepting and caring about that and know that when I'm too tired to do something, it's because my body is still not 100%. I don't know why I'm going on about this here, it's obviously not going to change anything because none of the relevant parties read this. But I guess it's just good to get it out there, ya know?

So yeah, that's what's been on my mind lately.

still sexless in the city.

Still no sex. But this is partially my own fault. In more positive news, TG was awesomely nice to me this weekend. It was really sweet. He took me out to a baseball game and then we came back to my place. It was nice to cuddle in bed with him and nap together. I will definitely miss him when I move away. He's been a dick to me at times, but he's also been really sweet, too. And he was super-attentive in the bedroom today, although as I mentioned before - no sex. Sigh. I think I'm getting closer, though. We shall see. We have plans to hang out on Wednesday, so hopefully that'll go through and I can jump him. Because at this point I'm ready to be super-aggressive.

Other than that, not much to tell. Hung out with MB this weekend, which was fab. I <3 her! We did biscuits and John Adams special on Saturday morning and the Marina and fancy dresses on Saturday night. It's so sad, there are so many people and things I'm going to miss about this city, but deep down inside I know that I don't belong here. C'est la vie.

so much has been going on lately.

Okay, I'm going to try and summarize all of the ridiculousness that has happened in the past couple of days. Luckily it's all good stuff (well, mostly). So, it's category time!

Work: We got the list of potential rotations for this summer. I'm totally freaking out about it because there are 7 in New York, which means that my dream of moving back to my favorite place on earth is actually a reality. This is made even more so by the fact that I've been chatting with a manager whose team I'd like to work on and there seems to be mutual interest. This is insanely exciting!

Friends: My friends are actually coming to visit in May!!!!! I'm so effing happy. I wasn't sure it was going to happen, but three of them are going to be coming to SF and I cannot wait. I have to start planning a bunch of outings and fun things to do.

Men: So Tech Guy and I are continuing our usual pattern of pissing each other off and then reconciling. I don't even want to get into it, but I think we've over our little bit of drama. We have plans to hit up a baseball game tomorrow afternoon, which should be fun and cute and kind of couply. Haha. So yeah, that's how that is going.

I would write more about some other thoughts I have, but I have to hurry up and get ready since MB and I are headed to the Marina in fancy dresses to eat dinner and go bar-hopping!

Happy Weekend!

nympho.

I'm starting to think I'm a nymphomaniac. Seriously. I haven't had sex in like - maybe a month? - and I'm going stir-crazy. Granted, I am getting something, but penis-in-vagina sex - nope, not getting any of that. And it's driving me batshit insane!

I was so excited last night. I wore a shirt with some cleavage, supersexy underwear, and I was totally ready to get it on. I got to his place and I really really wanted to hook up right away, but we did the dinner thing first. After dinner, back to his place, where he didn't waste any time and I was really hoping it would happen, but no. I mean, I got off (as per usual) and that was good, but it just wasn't enough and I wonder if I should get into with him. Maybe he wasn't in the mood, I don't know. I can never tell. Maybe he's still thinking I'm in my 'sick' mode. Or maybe he wants to stop fooling around with me. Who knows?

Anyhow, it looks like I'm stuck with me, myself, and I for a while. Unless I can somehow manage to seduce him when he comes to install my tivo. I already have big plans... well. provided no one is home. Brunette is going to L.A. so maybe it'll happen. As usual, I'll keep you posted.

workin' it.

This week - no scratch that - this month, is going to be awful. At least as far as work is concerned. I have *no* idea how I'm going to get all my shit done. I have a feeling today is a work from 7:45 - 7:45 day. I hate those kinds of days... they really suck. But at least I get to eat free dinner at work! Score!

Tomorrow I'm supposed to hang out with TG because I haven't gotten laid in like a month. We've seen each other very infrequently since I got sick and when we have, I haven't been up for sex and so we'll basically just fool around and do everything but. I mean, that's satisfying to a degree, but I miss actual sex. So I'm looking forward to it.

Work is gearing up to be really stressful, but I think I can handle it and I think it'll be good for me. I thrive on stress - it's what I live for and where I tend to excel. I've also decided on a permanent schedule for my commute. I've decided I want to take the early shuttle every day, and then on Friday take the late one. This way, most of my hours are concentrated Monday through Thursday with a little treat on Friday.

Anyway, back to the grind.

anger, angst, and tons of alcohol.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's pretty much been the theme of my life since my last entry and the main reasons why I haven't been writing. Basically... my life has been a shitshow since Thursday evening and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces. I feel like this weekend is shot to hell and there's not much I can do about it. So now it's 8 pm on Sunday - I have lots of cleaning and laundry to do, as well as some actual work. FUCK ME.

So we'll start from Thursday evening and move along (warning: this is going to be a little long). Thursday night is our weekly movie/games night between my apartment, MB, and Freshman Year Best Friend's apartment. We were hosting it and since Blondie's been swamped with work, I was elected to cook for our apartment. I had felt sick at work so I went home early, giving me plenty of time to nap, relax, dance around the house, and go shopping. Except it was like Murphy's Fucking Law - everything that could go wrong, did. The cookies I made were absolute SHIT and had to be scrapped and instead I bought ice cream. Then, when attempting to prepare the shrimp, I realized I had bought *cooked* shrimp, which meant going back out for the third time to get some goddamn shrimp. Drama, drama, drama.

Then we played drinking games once everyone had come over and eaten. We consumed, between the seven of us, an entire bottle of vodka (keep in mind that one of us wasn't drinking, Brunette only had scotch, and FYBF was drinking gin). It was a complete and total shitshow - like WHOA. We were all hammered and playing Kings and talking about all sorts of weird sex stuff and just having a crazy, riotous time. It was fabulous... until the next morning. Then I woke up with my stomach making funny sounds, a slight headache, and a fierce desire to consume all the water and/or soda on God's green earth. Needless to say, I took a "personal day" and my roommates left for work late. Ugh.

For some more mundane details, I did nothing but curl my hair on Friday night. Saturday we tried and failed to go clubbing in the Mission. Although, I did get insanely drunk due to my whole drunkorexic routine of not eating and then consuming liquor. Today was Easter Sunday and FYBF made a spectacular dinner and it was really nice and chill and lowkey and insanely fun to hang out with everyone.

So I've handled the alcohol portion of the title. Next up: anger.

So... one of my friends has done something to another one of my friends that just completely and totally pissed me off. I want to confront friend x about all the drama, but friend y wants to keep it chill. I'm having a hard time doing this, but basically I've lost all trust and respect for friend x and will no longer be able to confide in this person as a result of what went down. Which makes me angry because it's really going to fuck up my life for a little bit. Additionally, friend x has done some shit to me in the past that I thought I had gotten over, but is clearly still on my mind.

Angst. So yeah, Saturday night was... eye-opening... to say the least. It just helped me to see that I really don't think I can be happy here in the situation that I'm currently in. As a result of having a crappy night, I just felt like I missed my lifestyle back on the East Coast, when I knew what to expect and I didn't feel like I was fighting a battle of the wills. I like to go out, I like to dance, I like to party. And I'm of the firm belief that if you are somewhere and the party SUCKS, you just make the most of it and you create your own party. I think basically the whole night just didn't turn out as planned from the start, and it was frustrating. I felt like since I had planned things that I would have an inkling of a say into what we did or what happened, but no. Instead I get dominated and forced to do shit I don't want to do. I also HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE when people treat me like I'm a child and won't allow me to do things by myself. I'm a grown. ass. woman. I'm 22 years old and I hate being treated like a baby. It pisses me off to no end.

Sigh. So here I am, frustrated, upset, and in need of change. I don't know if I'll be able to effect the change I need, but I'm starting next weekend for sure. Me and MB and doing the Marina together in fancy dresses. Wine, dinner, and cocktails. I'm super-stoked and I think it's going to be a good time. Yay!

i really love event planning.

Today was our big event at work. I work at a tech firm, and my job is to be the HR support for engineers. So today we had a huge party for them (Harry Potter themed) in order to talk about promotions. It was one of my big projects and it took a lot of planning and last-minute running around, but it was super-successful and doing that sort of thing tends to be where I shine. So although it was stressful as fuck, I had a blast doing it. I love my team and we really can pull anything together.

I really want to find something to do with my life that makes me happy. I think I want to be a lawyer and I think I want to be in the entertainment industry, but how does one really know? I'm not sure what I think would be good for me or where I should move. I'm in a rotational program and I'll be moving on to my next rotation in June and I'm still unsure where I want to go. I know I want to be in New York, but should I prioritize that over my career if the options are limited? Or should I focus on making myself happy and just move out to NY and do the best I can with the rotation I'm given. Sigh. Difficult questions.

the great hair debate.

Yet again, I'm unsure what the fuck I want to do with my hair. Being a black woman in San Francisco sucks. I'm serious. There are practically no resources. Well, unless you go to Oakland and I don't have a car nor do I think it's a sustainable lifestyle choice to pick a salon that's far away. I'm still trying to figure out the reason why black people don't live here. Or at least not enough for me to be satisfied with. I was talking to Freshman Year Best Friend and even he admitted that after he listened to my complaint, he took a look around and realized that while certain racial minorities are represented here, not all of them are.

I struggle with race sometimes. Okay all the time. Especially since I've moved to SF and also since my friendship with my Long Island friends has grown stronger. I've talked to Slind about this a number of times. We talked about how for most of our lives, it's just been easier to relate to our colored friends because despite all the differences between our races (my best friends are filipino, egyptian, indian, korean, etc), we're still minorities in America which carries with it a certain upbringing and a certain awareness. I miss that awareness. It doesn't exist here in hippy-dippy, we-love-everyone San Francisco.

But anyway, I digress. This is about hair. Right now I get my hair relaxed (chemically straightened - ugh, even having to explain that annoys me. haha). However, I'm late on my standing every-six-weeks appointment. And I've been thinking about going natural and finding something to do with my natural hair. I've also considered going back to the braids look. Or I guess I can just suck it up and go back and relax it. UGH. There's issues with any of those options. In other news, I'm going to try and do a straw set on Friday night to see if I think it looks cute. If so, then I might just start transitioning from relaxer to no-relaxer.

Wish me luck! I'm notoriously horrible at doing any hair-care procedure myself.

adventures in goal setting.

I'm notoriously hard on myself. I set these insane goals that I doubt anyone could complete, let alone a slacker like myself. So I'm trying something different for now. I wrote up a list of goals to accomplish in the next 2 weeks. There are a lot of them, but I've scaled things back tremendously to ensure I can at least complete half of what I want to. 

I want to finish two books in that time (I'm already 3/4 of the way through one, so that seems doable) and I'm hoping to lose some more weight. If the scale in the hotel was right, I've lost about 7 pounds since the last time I weighed myself and several people have commented on it (a woman from work, my roommate, TG), so I'm hoping to keep it up. I just have to realize my strengths and weaknesses. My number 1 weakness is that I love food and I am unwilling to give it up. However, what I am all about (once I get the ball rolling) is exercise. I remember one summer I worked out every day for 2 hours, an hour on the elliptical, 30 min on the bike, followed by weights, situps and pushups. I lost a ton of weight in a matter of weeks. Growing up I could never fathom anorexia or bulimia - I loved food and feared vomit wayyy too much for either of those. But that whole work yourself to death on the treadmill thing didn't seem so bad. Luckily (or unluckily) I don't have the time for that, so I'm just going to try and set a manageable workout schedule. I'm hoping I can stick to it and continue to lose more weight. My goal is to have lost 10 pounds total (this includes the 7 I've already lost) by the first of April.

In a less superficial vein, I want to work on my Russian, finish paying off ALL of my credit card debt (I have most of it done, just some last minute bills), and do some writing. For fun, I plan on buying The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex and experimenting with that a little bit. Since I've been hooking up with one boy consistently I think I'm ready to mix things up a little bit. Although he does seem really fucking tame. Sigh. Which reminds me - omg, my guy friends out here have this system to rate a girl on how freaky they think she is. And they rated me a 4 out of 5?! I don't know what to think about that. I tell people too much, haha.

Okay, time for me to stop thinking about sex and start thinking about work. =)

luck and change.

For my whole life I've always felt incredibly lucky. I've had so many great opportunities and so many privileges. One of my favorite days at college was when the President of our school would speak. Listening to her, I felt that I could accomplish anything. Her speeches were always so empowering and I always felt lucky that I was able to attend such a dignified, respected institution. And now here I am, working at one of the best companies in the country - no, the world - and I feel that same sense of luck and gratefulness. Going to the HR conference was spectacular. I had such a good time and it was a reminder that I've been placed on this earth and given tremendous opportunity, especially considering my race, gender, and ethnicity. It's truly amazing what cards life can deal you.

I'm still pondering my future and pondering the idea of change. The one goal I have in life is to be completely and totally self-actualized. It seems like ever since birth that's been all I've ever wanted. I remember being a senior in high school and winning the Most Likely To Be Self-Actualized award in AP Psych. It made me feel proud, but also presented me with a challenge - the challenge to know myself, my strengths, my weaknesses and what areas I have to develop. I can be very hard on myself in other people's eyes, but in reality, I'm just being honest. It's hard to be honest about what is good and what is bad about who you are, but I think it's important. I also think that that's where a lot of my disconnects come in some of my relationships. Some people may see me as picky, closed-minded, or willfully stubborn. But the fact is - I know me better than anyone on God's green earth. It took me a long time to get here, but I know myself in ways most people couldn't possibly imagine. Sometimes I need to ease up on that because I may not try new things because of it. But other times I have to listen to my soul and what I know to be right in my heart. I have a sixth sense about certain things and while most people don't understand it, I always have to stick with it. It hasn't led me astray thus far.

The next couple of years are going to be full of lots of soul-searching and introspection and change. As I decide where I want to live, what I want to do, and who I want to be, I'm going to have to make difficult choices and I'm ready and willing to do that. I firmly believe that the answers most people seek can be found inside of themselves, and although it's horribly cliche, that's the way I feel. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

away for a bit.

We have an all-HR conference this week. This, plus all the fucking work I have to do, is driving me stir-crazy. But of course, because I'm a fucking idiot, I went out drinking with MB and Freshman Year Best Friend. UGH. I'm stupid. But it was really nice to hang out and chill with them.

OMG ya'll, I had the best dinner of my life tonight. We made it at work - a special cooking class with the chefs. It was absolutely fabulous - homemade pasta and homemade pesto, scallops and chicken, watercress salad - damn, it was good! I've had so many realizations in the past couple of days and I really want to pour them out here, but I'm exhausted. I swear I'll update at least once during the conference. =)

excellent weekend.

This weekend was amazing, simply put. I am so incredibly exhausted right now, but in that really good way. I was wayyy more social this weekend then I've been in a while. My big sister from my sorority came to visit and we spent Friday just vegging out during the day - some grocery shopping, hanging around. Then dinner in the Marina, which was eh since the restaurant we wanted to go to was booked solid. We were crazy tired so we went home after that. Saturday was Sausalito with MB and Big Sis - did some shopping and walking around. It was cute and kitschy, but ultimately a one-time thing. We did the Taqueria Cancun thing with the Mission folks (omg I love that place). After that we had drinks at the Marriott (omg I love grasshoppers and YES, I'm done with my liquor fast), where I met up with Senior Year Roommate, her bf and her brother. It was nice to just sit, relax, chat and catch up on life, etc. Sunday was shopping in Union Square where I bought an iPod shuffle (yes, I now have 3 iPods. Insanity. This one is called Miss Scarlett cuz she's red). Now I'm awake for God knows what reason and praying to God that I can make it through the week.

I had an amazing time this weekend, though. It was nice to see Senior Year Roomie and Big Sis and just hang out and be social with people that I'm comfortable with. I miss that sometimes - the whole comfort zone thing. It's so rare for me to have that here that I just can't deal with it sometimes, so it's nice when it happens.

Anyway, it's so time for bed. Goodnight!

men.

So I had this really intense dream last night about meeting the perfect man. He was tall, good-looking, and we got along so well. In the dream I even met his mother! So weird. He took his time with things, and didn't rush anything. Instead of letting himself get swept up in the moment, he wanted to pace everything - both in the amount of time we spent together and things on the sexual side. All of that got me thinking about what my ideal relationship would look like.

I've always had this sneaking suspicion that the first man I actually settle down with (if that happens) will be the man I marry (should I decide to marry). I just have a low tolerance for bullshit. Like I'll dick around with a guy - I mean, I've been dicking around with TG for 4 months now. But I never let it get beyond that because I know that he's just a temporary fix. I mean, he's *nice enough* but he's not what I want in the long-term and I don't think he wants a girl like me in the long-term either. In my mind, it makes no sense for me to get all emotional and attached to some guy when I know the shit is just going to end or when there's no case for anything long-term. You just end up getting screwed over and upset about it. There's no need for that. Plus, I'm fully convinced that I really only need myself, my closest friends, and some form of sex to be happy. 

I talk to MB and College BFF about this all the time. Why is there this societal push to have some man complete you? Why do most women feel like their lives are missing something or worse, worthless, when they don't have a man in their life? What if I made a conscious decision that I didn't ever want to get married? That I wanted to be a single mother, raise my own kids, do my own thing, and have men flit in and out of my life as it suits me. Unfortunately, that's not accepted in society. It's like something's wrong with you if you're not in some lovey-dovey, mooney relationship. That's one thing I must say that I love about my mother. She never makes the assumption that I'm going to get married. As a matter of fact, she's always been very supportive of a non-married lifestyle. However, I'm sure society will not be as kind.

So what's my ideal relationship? I want to meet a man that I can fall in love with - fully and completely. But not because I think he "completes" me or that I need to be with him, but a man that I want to spend time with. A man who challenges me to push my boundaries, who nurtures my ambition. A man who has ambition that I can nurture. A partner - someone I can grow with, someone who makes me the best "me" not the best "we" I can be. Someone who will indulge my moods and not be all up in my business 24/7. Someone who can handle the fact that I have a strong friendships and a life that is separate from him. Someone who has a life that is separate from me. A man who would be a refuge for me, someone to escape with. Someone who understands that I'm already whole and that he's there to nurture that wholeness, to help me grow without welding himself to my side.

Because, as the queen of introspection, I pretty much know who I am and what I want out of life. Because, for fuck's sake, I'm already a whole person and I don't need a man to complete me, I just need him to understand me. That's all.

ramble, ramble, ramble.

It seems these days that I have little to no time/energy to write a substantial entry. I *hate* this shit. I'm so damn tired all the time. However, I must say, things have been FABULOUS lately. The weather has been good, I've been happy, and moving to New York is sustaining me. My high school BFF just got into school on Long Island!!!!! Jam Bam is in the city and Slind will *hopefully* still be in NY and that would be amazing. I would be so happy if that works out. I'm praying so hard.

TG sent me a dirty text message this morning... probably because he was too tired last night to hang out. It made me smile. I love how the weirdest things make me happy.

Britt's coming this weekend and I couldn't be more excited. I have the whole weekend planned out - trip to the Marina, some hanging out in the Mission, the usual touristy stuff, ferry to Sausalito. So fucking awesome. I'm just hoping the old body can keep up. And I'm hoping I can stay off the sauce for the weekend. Maybe I'll allow myself to drink non-diet soda and eat whatever I want as a compromise. Grrr.

random things in my head.

So I know I had posted yesterday about being skeptical about dating (and I still am), but peer pressure and genuine interest led me to e-mail two guys last night. And shockingly, they BOTH responded back that night. So I'm kind of fucked now. I'm not sure if they want to date or are just being nice, but needless to say I've opened the door now. I mean, I'm slightly excited because it's nice to know that guys seem to be interested in you, even though I know I have TG and that he's attracted to me, but things are so different between us now. I miss the way it was in the beginning where everything was so flirty and sexually charged. Dirty text messages, late night chats... I get none of that anymore. And I need that. Sigh. Every time I try to start something I feel like he doesn't carry it through. Even our hooking up has changed a bit. But, I don't know. I still like spending time with him, so I'm not going to stress. But I'm also not going to sit back and do nothing either. I want to see him before this weekend cuz I know I'm not going to get any for a while if I don't.

Blood levels are still too low... 1.6 this time, so I'm going up, just slowly. We worked out a new dosage and the shots will only happen once a day now. Thank GOD.

I totally had tons more to say and now I've promptly forgotten all of it. I have NO idea what I was thinking this morning, but it's flitted out of my head. Oh, well. Back to the grind for me!

to date or not to date?

Okay, so my friends here have this little dating competition and I'm unsure if I want to enter or not. It has nothing to do with my feelings for TG. I know we're not meant to be and although we're having fun and things are good and all, it's just kind of temporary. I'm just not sure if I'm ready for dating and all that. I mean, I'm planning on moving to New York in a few months and I just don't know if I want to start anything up right now. Additionally, I don't know if I have it in me to go on another first date. Maybe if I met someone at work or while I'm out, but scouring the dating sites sounds like a pain in the ass to me. I really just want to be low-key right now and dating doesn't match up with that.

Sigh.

in which i realize my body still needs rest.

Apparently, I'm still not 100%. This isn't shocking. Most people with my condition take months to get back to 100% - I'm lucky that I've been able to go to work without any problem. But as a result of getting back in the swing of things, my body is incredibly tired. I conked out at 8:45ish on Friday night.

Last night, I made plans with Tech Guy to go to see a movie. I ended up being late, so he decided to cook dinner for us and then we'd see the later show. So we ate, ended up in bed, hooked up a bit (no sex... I'm still not well enough for sex, which SUCKS. PLUS I had my period... grr), but anyhow, all that physical activity took everything out of me and I promptly fell asleep right afterwards, causing us to miss the movie. I don't think he minded and he was super sweet about just letting me rest in his bed while he tooled around on the internet and caught up on blog-reading.

It was nice to be with him. He's an escape of sorts for me - someplace to go when I can't deal with the realities of my life in San Francisco. We can just lie in bed, hook up, see a movie and I can forget that I'm ill, forget that I don't like the city, forget the tangled web I've woven here that will really take major work to get out of. As per usual, we did the morning hookup thing (my period ended this morning - woo hoo!) and then lounged for a bit. He offered breakfast, I declined and he drove me home.

I'd forgotten the things I like about him - how he can be really gentle and good with me. That he lets me indulge my every whim - whether it's falling asleep at 8:30 or just needing to spend the night someplace that isn't my apartment. I love that we can watch porn together in a completely non-sexual way. I also like that he always tells me I look good and that he's happy to see me. All good things. And right now, I can use some good things.

All in all, this was a really good weekend. I got to have an honest heart-to-heart with MB (who I will miss oh so dearly when I leave this place... having her here has saved me from blowing my brains out), I got to escape the world of unnamed college institution/unnamed technical institution, and I got to spend the night with a boy. Successful!

Blood test manana... EEK!

whatever! whatever! i do what i want!

HAHA - I love that quote! Anywho, I'm in a slightly upbeat mood this morning because I woke up at 6:30 am after going to bed around 9 pm last night. I am such a loser and I totally LOVE IT. I'm embracing it. This weekend I'm hanging out with MB, getting my movie on, and hopefully getting off with someone other than myself ;) I'm still torn about this whole work party thing. I mean, I'm just not keen to socialize with work folks right now. I always feel so awkward about it, BUT one of my fave girls from work is going and she's not drinking, so I may decide to go, who knows? I'm fickle.

So I've decided that the best thing for my mental state right now is to move to New York City. I spoke to someone at the job about it and I have a 90-95% chance of having it just work out. If that doesn't happen, we have Plan B and if Plan B doesn't work out, I'm going to move anyway. So um yeah... that would be that. I don't feel like I have to explain myself to anyone because at this point in my life I'm sick of giving a shit what anyone thinks about anything I do. I'm fucking a guy my friends don't like, I've stopped doing social shit that people ask me to do, and I'll live wherever I damn well please. But in the interest of fairness and making sure that I've decided that I don't like SF, here's my reasons for leaving.

(1) My social situation is not what it needs to be. I'm not going to elaborate here - all the important parties know what's up, but I just can't live my life the way I am now and the more I think about it the more I'm not really sure if the social scene I'm craving even exists in this city.
(2) I hate commuting. I HATE HATE HATE taking that damn shuttle for an hour and a half each way. That's 3 hours of commuting. And NO I will NOT move to the suburbs. Also transportation here, while pretty decent, is just not cutting it. I spend SO MUCH on cabs. That shit needs to stop.
(3) I hate white people. HAHA okay let me stop - you know I'm just playing. But I am very bothered by the lack of diversity in SF proper. I've always had tons of white friends and I've always been comfortable mixing with people. I mean, I'm black and I grew up on Long Island. I went to an Ivy League school and I work at a large tech company. I've developed what most "priviliged" black folks have mastered - the art of the dual persona. You're one person with the white folks and another with the colored folks. I can do that - it's fine. But I'm not used to this whole lack of color. My friends from home were all different colors and my BFF from school is black and I just miss being about to talk about things. There's just some things that I don't feel comfortable discussing in certain circles and I miss that outlet. I've tried so hard to find the black community here and it does exist, it's just not in SF. It's in Oakland or elsewhere in the Bay Area (In the words of Dave Chappelle - "I like San Fran, I've always admired people in San Fran cause everyone gets along. After visiting here I now know why too. It's Cause you got all the niggas on the other side of that bridge.") Hey- I'm just sayin' - that's exactly what it feels like. I need more diversity than this.
(4) My moods are so unstable here. It's like nothing I've ever felt before.
(5) I'm sick. I hate to say it, but I am. I'm going to have to deal with this blood thing for 6-9 months, if not a year, and I just don't want to be here while I'm going through that. If I died tomorrow, I wouldn't want to be a California resident.
(6) I miss my fam and my friends. Being out here I cannot communicate with people in the way I want. I've been trying to talk to BFF daily and it's hard because of the time zone difference. I miss my parents and I'm aware now that if anything goes wrong, I'm fucked.

So yeah, that's it! That's where I am. Harsh, I know. But it's what I'm feeling.