drunk on a monday night.

Okay, I really need to stop drinking at these really inappropriate times. Especially when I'm going to be working my ass off tomorrow and getting up at 6 am to do it. The pit of my stomach feels like it's on fire, which is weird because I only had half a bottle of wine and I know that I can usually handle more alcohol than this. Fuck it.

I hate feeling like my body still isn't 100%. Like I'm some sort of invalid. Which I know - I am. Blood clot, yada yada, pulmonary embolism, blah blah blah. I wonder when I'll start to take my health seriously. Because, honestly, I'm acting like a little punk and I'm sure it's going to catch up with me sooner rather than later. But I miss being able to drink like I used to. I miss dancing on bars, making out with strangers, and just not giving a fuck. Instead, I'm stuck spending quiet nights in, in a sexless relationship, watching TV on DVD. Fucking A.

sex, wine, and gossip.

Three of my favorite things and the topics of the day. I'm about two glasses into a bottle of cheap red wine (yay for Yellowtail Chiraz Cabernet) and lounging in a babydoll top because it's hot as hell in this apartment. I'm thinking of being cheap and lazy and just cooking up a huge pot of spaghetti and having two (or three) more glasses of wine. Hmm. Sounds good.

OMG, I'm freaking out because I'm turning into such a gossip. It's insane. I had a long gossip sesh with Brunette this afternoon and I've been chattering about people non-stop. I need to quit! So help me God. It's only a matter of time before I wreak havoc. I'm proud of myself, though. I got told a very choice piece of gossip this weekend and I kept it to myself. How long that'll last, no one knows. But I resisted the urge to call up College BFF and spill the dirt to her. I just wish I could make a career out of gossiping. I'd be damn good at it.

Lately, I've been reading a ton of books about sexuality and sex-positive issues. I kind of miss the female sexuality class I took back at college. It was one of those eye-opening experiences that you only get every so often. And really, only at a place where sexual expression is free and open. I kind of miss that. I'm pretty open about my sexuality, for the most part. Yet I still feel like I could do more to promote sex-positivity amongst women. When I'm finally settled and in a more stable situation, I'd really like to look into doing some volunteer work around that. I know I've said that before, but I've just been reinvigorated with a desire to do it again. I made a stop at Good Vibrations last weekend and seeing such a clean, well-lit, non-seedy sex shop made me remember how important it is to make sure women (and men) have space to explore things that have been deemed "taboo." I mean, it's just sex. Most people are having it or want to have it or will have it. I don't understand why we can't be open about it. Since I don't have the time yet to start fighting for the cause, I figure I can at least start educating myself and gaining as much knowledge as I can.

So yeah, that's my frame of mind right now. I'm a chatty, drunken nympho. I kind of like the sound of that. =)

i'm booooored.

Haha. Okay, so I'm alone in the apartment - roomies went out to a hotel bar to drink and I just got back from dinner with Ace, which was fun, except now I'm at a loss for what to do. I've been talking to TG online because I want him to invite me over. But of course instead of saying "I miss you, I want to come over," I'm just bugging him with how bored I am. And I'm drinking Malibu and Pepsi and vegetating. I know what I should do is get my ass in bed and prepare for the long day of productivity that HAS to happen tomorrow. But, no, instead I'm being lazy and blogging. Lovely.

Anyway, I may as well update on things of substance since I can. I spent all of last night with TG because *gasp* he got fired on Friday. When he told me, all of the drama between us kind of just melted away and I had to run over there and comfort him. I was afraid and unsure of what was going to happen, but he basically just wanted someone to talk to. So I went over and he turned off the lights, closed the shades and we just lay in bed together cuddling while he talked about what had happened. It was really touchy-feely, kind of intimate and really... I don't know - nice, I guess. He wanted me to stay the night, so I did. We kind of fooled around, but just in a basic middle-school kind of way. (sidenote: when I asked College BFF how I should handle the situation and what I could do to comfort him, she said: "Offer him oral sex, of course." Jesus Christ, I love that girl) But anyway, he seemed to just want to be lowkey, so I didn't pressure him into anything. I'm learning to be more emotional and less sex-driven. Tough, but I'm getting there.

This is such an exciting time in my life. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something big. Of something new and dramatic and I like it. I think things are going well and I'm excited to see what's around the corner. But for now, I'm going to crawl into bed and do some reading/tv watching.

Goodnight!

i'm still really fucking tired.

I'm exhausted. Every bone in my body hurts and I can barely get up the energy to change my clothes at night. I just got my period at work and ruined my favorite pair of white lace tanga panties from Vicky's Secret. This also means that I won't be able to get it on with TG this weekend! That's if we decide to get together because he's being a colossal dickwad lately and ignoring me. What the fuck? Part of me figures I don't need this shit and the other part of me is slightly turned on by it. I'm not sure which side is going to win out.

That's all. I'm so tired, I can barely think.

working like a dog.

I have been working like a dog since Sunday. Worked til 12:30 am on Sunday night. Worked a 14 hour day on Monday. Worked a 13 hour day on Tuesday. Worked a 12 hour day today. Life sucks. I have no energy. I've fallen behind on e-mail, social communication, me-time. Everything has been shitty thus far. I'm thinking of taking a half-day tomorrow and just coming in for our offsite. Sigh. When I'm feeling better, I'll write more.

i feel very odd.

I'm in one of these really strange moods that I don't know how to break. I'm not depressed, but I just feel very pensive and apprehensive. Maybe it's because pretty soon the rotation results are going to come out and I'm going to have to focus on whatever happens. If they choose to keep me in Mountain View or if they decide I should move to NYC. I'm nervous and scared that things won't work out for me. I've kind of been taking it for granted that I will move to NYC this summer and finally start living. Getting away from the things that are hounding me in SF. Although, it also means leaving behind those things that have been great about living here. But, life is sacrifice and I'm willing to make those sacrifices because I think that I belong on the East Coast, belong in New York. I think I'll thrive there and it'll be good for me.

I'm also starting to think seriously about cutting off all ties to TG. I just don't know if I can handle the roller coaster nature of our relationship anymore. And I know that I'm the kind of person who can't let go of a person without truly letting them go (i.e. not speaking to them for months, forgetting them entirely). I know that I should be stronger and able to just "be friends" or whatever, but the fact is that once someone is in my life in a certain capacity, I will always view them in that capacity until they are removed from my life. I can bring them back in the future, but I need that schism in order to get over them. And with him, I just don't know. He seems so distant lately, although he called me a couple of days ago. I just don't know what it is with him and I'm tired of speculating and then being wrong. Jesus Christ, this shit is complicated.

Packing for the hotel (I'm staying at a hotel for a work conference) was also making me feel even stranger. I get oddly nostalgic whenever I pack for anything - be it going back to college, visiting my parents, or just spending the night at someone else's place. For whatever reason, I just start to get really quiet and emotional over it. And that's how I feel now. I feel like I'm on the edge of something great. On the edge of living my life and having it all come together. I've always trusted in God/the Universe to bring me where I need to be. I believe that everything, no matter how shitty, happens for a reason. To teach you something you desperately need to learn. And so I am prepared for anything that may be thrown my way because I know that there's a purpose for it. But at the same time, I need to be an active participant in my life. I need to decide what I want and then go for it.

Nothing is ever easy.

up early.

I woke up around 7 am this morning... Probably because I went to bed at 9:30 pm. Red wine always makes me sleepy! Anyhow, I've been in this incredibly pensive mood lately. I keep thinking about what I want out of life and what it's going to take to get it. I feel like I've lost my motivation. This isn't anything new, it happened my senior year of college and I'm wondering what it's going to take to get it back. I used to be so bright and motivated, always looking for something new to learn and constantly striving to be the best. Now, I'm fairly content with making do in nearly all aspects of my life. And I'm so sick of it.

It's really time for me to get off my ass and decide what's important to me and how I'm going to achieve it. I know I'm only 22, but I have this feeling that the decisions I make now are going to follow me forever. I almost feel burnt out, but I need to get over that and really try my hardest to make the sacrifices I'll need to make to do what I want. It's going to be difficult, but as they say, nothing worth having is easy.

quiet night in.

Today I took a personal day. I've just had so many things to do, so many things that I've been putting on the back burner, that I simply had to just stop, take a moment for myself and do them. Work is heating up like crazy (tomorrow I have to be at the San Mateo Marriott to prep for our main event on Monday) and I'm starting to get stressed. So I shut myself off from the outside world and took some me time. Right now, I'm making spaghetti and drinking my second glass of red wine. We'll see if I make it through the bottle!

It's important for me to have time alone sometimes. I've forgotten that lately. SF has just been this hustle and bustle of activity. I work 5 days a week, getting up at 6 am each day, arriving at work at 7:45. I leave around 4:30 when I can, getting home around 6. I'm usually so tired when I get home that I'm useless. I go out most Tuesdays, movie night is Thursday, and then I'll usually have social activity on Friday night. Saturday morning breakfast date with MB. Then out on Saturday night. It's just been wayyyy too much. So I said fuck it today and did nothing. I caught up on work, did some reading, went to Good Vibrations (the friendly neighborhood sex shop in the Mission) and picked up some reading material and new toys. And now dinner. Fabulous Saturday.

I'm just mellow right now. I'm in such a weird mood. Time is flying by. Pretty soon I'll know about New York and I have to prepare. I'm trying to get my coins together to make sure I have the money to move. I'm excited and scared at the same time, but New York is familiar and I know I'll like it, so I don't worry much about that aspect. It's more logistics that matter at this point.

Anyway, my water is starting to boil, so I'm off to have dinner and watch The Godfather - I've never seen it before, so I'm looking forward to it!

pages from my journal.

I keep a written journal, which is basically a place where I can write free-form about my emotions and desires (and my sexcapades, occasionally). Someplace no one else can see, where I can be completely honest about my feelings. Since I have little to write about and I just got off the phone with TG, I've decided to post something I wrote today. Enjoy!

I want a relationship.

There. I said it. I want a relationship. Not that hard to admit. Just breathe. It's normal. It doesn't make you less of a person. It doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. You want a relationship. Calm the fuck down.

Not just any relationship, though. I want to be adored; I want to adore someone else. I want to care about another human being as much as I care about myself. I want to surrender my life, my heart, my soul to a man who will return the favor. I don't want contentment. I want a man who has the ability to make me so mad that I want to kill him. A man who will challenge me, push me, test my limits. I want fireworks, spark, passion, INTENSITY. I want drama. I want someone who will love me for my quirks, my moods, my insanity.

I don't want a "conventional" relationship. I want volatility. I want separation. I don't want to be tied down to a man; I want to be captured. I don't want to give myself to him. I want to be taken by force. I want to be frustrated, confused, scared, nervous. I want him to make me *feel* something, anything. To be captivated and caught up, even as I fight it kicking and screaming.

This is the only way I can love.

randomness.

I've spent all morning listening to Broadway showtunes - haha. I'm totally rocking out to Les Miz, Hairspray, Wicked, Avenue Q, etc. If I wasn't in an office completely surrounded by glass, I'd be dancing ;)

Anyway, I can't write an entry solely about my gayness. I'll save that for another day. My baby brother turned 18 today! Okay, he's not a baby and I have two younger brothers, but you get the point. I can't believe he's 18 and I'm going to be 23 in September. I feel so OLD. I remember when we were teens and we hated each other and tried to do anything and everything to piss each other off. I remember I was eating dinner and I was so full that I couldn't eat my biscuit and Juan (my bro) wanted it. I knew I couldn't eat it, so I picked it up and promptly licked it all over and then offered it to him. Haha - I'm such a bitch.

I always envied my brother - he was so naturally outgoing, great with people, everyone loved him. And he got the cool Spanish name (my dad's Puerto Rican, so at least one of us had to reflect that). But, you live, you learn, you grow up and now we get along much better. It's strange to think of him as an adult, though. But, I guess he is.

Anyway, just felt like documenting that. Back to work!

tired, uninspired.

I am incredibly tired right now. It's hard for me to keep my eyes open and I'm seriously considering going back on my 'no caffeine' rule and just downing coffee and/or soda. Work is stressing me out. I'm doing a lot, but I also feel like I could be doing more. AHHHH I don't know.

I also feel incredibly ugly right now. I don't know why - maybe because I'm breaking out. I feel gross. But, I'm going to try and up my gym attendance this week. I went twice last week, so I'm going to go for 3 times this week. I went yesterday, so hopefully I can do it again today, but with all this work, I don't know. However, I need to start paying attention to my health. Although with all this damn food around here, it's nearly impossible. So I figure if I work out like mad that'll compensate.

Anyway, this is not the time nor the place for me to be bitching about this, especially since my command of the English language is rapidly decreasing.

In other news, I bought a new book. It's about Madame de Pompadour, a mistress of Louis XV. So far, it's really interesting. Kind of like Sex with the King, but more of a case study. 

Okay, back to work. I was only updating to update.

are you a good witch? or a bad witch?

In The Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy arrives in Munchkinland this is the first question that Glinda asks her. I recently bought the book Bitch by Elizabeth Wurtzel and started thinking about how society defines womanhood. It's the whole virgin/whore dichotomy all over again. You can't escape it - it's everywhere. You're either a good witch or a bad witch, society doesn't allow for anything in-between.

Labeling women as either 'good' or 'bad' is shallow, oversimplified, and incredibly divisive. Categories like this are meant to pit women against each other and don't do anything to further anyone's cause. As women, we are asked to choose a side and the lines are absolute - do you want to be a working mom or a stay-at-home mom, a slut or a prude, a bitch or a pushover? Once you've chosen a side, once you've picked a label, you're branded for life. People assume they know all about you based on one tiny aspect of your personality.

Pop culture has done nothing to dispell the myth that all women are basically one of four or five molds. As though women are basically cake batter that's placed in one of four pots - slut, careerist, traditionalist, bitch - popped in the oven, baked, and voila! Most female characters on television and the movies are so one-dimensional, there's little to no exploration of the nuances in the female psyche. Women are so much more complicated than the slut or the whore, the bitch or the pushover. Television and the media seem to take one aspect of a woman's personality and blow it up so that it engulfs everything else about her. I am fiercely independent and don't believe in making sacrifices for any man (at least not at age 22), but that doesn't mean I don't want a relationship or a family. It doesn't mean I hate men. But if this were a sitcom, I'd be portrayed as a ball-busting, man-hating bitch with a heart of ice. And while, yes, sometimes I play up that part of my personality, it is certainly not all that I am. But to society and the world at large, that's all I can ever be. 

As a woman, you can't want it all and you certainly can't have it all. If you stay at home with your child, you're a bad feminist. If you go to work, you're a bad mother. If you sleep with men you're not dating, you're a whore. If you're a virgin, you're a prude. There's never a happy medium. So, I don't know. Am I a good witch, or a bad witch? I'd say ... it's complicated.

weekend + boy update.

This weekend was one of the best weekends in SF, by far. Freshman Year Best Friend's party was absolutely amazing! It was a My New Haircut theme and the guys looked incredibly guido, I had a decent amount to drink (not too much, not too little), AND I got to dance, which is always a plus for me.

Saturday night I decided that it was do or die with Tech Guy. And by that I mean, if he didn't put out, I was going to have to get out. Long story short (warning potential overshare up ahead) - we didn't have sex, but he did finally let me go down on him, which was good enough for me. You have to crawl before you can walk and prior to last night he hadn't let me anywhere near his penis, so I consider this progress. I've yet to make a man fall in love with me, but I have certain other talents I've managed to cultivate over the years. I think the issue between us is a matter of differing sex drives. I never say no to sex, he isn't always in the mood, but I understand that and I'll just have to deal with it. So I guess we're back to some semblance of normalcy - he's texting, IMming, e-mailing me as much as he used to. I'm fairly happy with the situation =)

Today I did lunch out by the Embarcadero with Freshman Year Best Friend. Good times, good conversation, excellent food and weather. And now I'm trying to scramble to prepare for hell week. It should be interesting at work this week.

Anyways, off to go check some more things off of my list!

i am really drunk right now.

Not in that 'I'm going to be sick' way, but in that pensive drinking way. The party was baller. OMG, the guys looked SO guido. It was fucking ridiculous. I have pics, of course. But they did the hair, the shirts unbottoned down to their abs, spray-on tan --- I was really impressed. I had an excellent time dancing with people and just having a good time. It made me sad... to think of leaving all of this behind. I've made some pretty solid friends here and it's going to be sad to go, but I know that I have to do it. That it's right for me (assuming I get a job in NYC).

My fave dialogue of the night with freshman year best friend:
FYBF - is there anything good on BET?
me - well they have College Park and they have rap videos, and at night they have soft core porn videos. but i'm not really into that.
FYBF - well, of course you only like hard core porn.
me - exactly.
FYBF - the funny thing is... I know you're not joking.
me - (dead serious) yeah, i'm really not.

haha, i love that my friends know me so well.

So I left early cuz Blondie was sick and I wanted to make sure she was okay. I still hope she's doing okay, I get a little worried cuz she doesn't normally get sick. So I'm on watch duty. I'm also hungry like whoa and want to eat an entire cow, but I'm too lazy to make spaghetti (which is all we have).

Anyway, the party was SICK. I loved my outfit and I'll post more about it when I'm sober and coherent, which hopefully is post-biscuits and John Adams with MB. Goodnight, loves! =)

you are 22 and you live on avenue q.

Lately my life has been lacking the passion it used to have and that's starting to piss me off. I've been thinking a lot about what I could do to change this. I just feel like life is the same thing over and over again. It's not that bad, I mean, I do have a good job, I make decent money, I don't have to buy food ever, and I have a set circle of friends. Yet, something is missing.

I was chatting with my officemate, who coincidentally happened to attend the same college and we were acquaintances there. We were talking about how we enjoy what we're doing, but there's this distinct lack of passion and interest. I mean, I'm always going to do my work and do it well, but that spark behind it, that desire to go the extra mile - yeah, that doesn't exist for me.

I'm trying to think about what makes me passionate, what moves me, what makes me happy. New York makes me happy (obvs...), theatre makes me happy, history makes me happy, the entertainment industry makes me happy. None of those things are in my life right now and I'm starting to miss them. Musical theatre has been one of the only things to bring me to tears. There's something about it that's just so beautiful. And yet, I've gone from the girl who tried to get involved in theater as much as possible to having not seen a show since college. WTF, mate? Actually, I did see The Color Purple on Broadway in December, but whatever. You get the point. I used to see plays nearly every weekend and now there's nothing. History? Puh - I haven't read a history book in forever. The most history I've had in my life in watching the John Adams special with MB on Saturday mornings.

I just want to find a way to do something that I'm passionate about and it's taking too damn long. Partially because I don't know what I want and partially because anything I want will take time. I think it's time to finally bite the bullet and go for what I want instead of what's conventional. What this means, I have no idea. But moving to New York would be a nice start.

So for now, I'm 22 and lost. I suppose it's better than 35 and lost.

time is flying.

I cannot believe that in less than two months I might be moving back to New York. It's really kind of scary. It's also scary that I'm 22 years old. That I'm done with college and living in the so-called real world. I feel like everything is passing me by and that I'm not doing enough. I'm too lazy, too unmotivated. I need to stir things up, need to go out and do all of those things that I always wanted to do.

I can't really articulate how I feel about my gap year thus far. It's been a great 7 months, a real learning experience. I never thought I could be self-sufficient, and yet here I am. I never thought I'd live in California. I always wanted to, but never thought it would happen. I never thought I'd be working in Silicon Valley, and I'm doing just that. Although I ultimately think this life is not for me, I'm so proud of myself for coming out here and doing this. It's kind of funny how just as my life is heating up, that's when I decide I want to leave. But, I know in my heart that that's the right thing for me.

I have this really bad habit, you see. I love to make myself uncomfortable. I love misery and heartache and tragedy because those are the things that strengthen you and force you to grow. For me, moving to California was one of those trials. I knew it'd be far away from pretty much everything I care about. None of my friends were moving here - they were all going to Boston or Seattle or DC or New York. San Fran seemed new and exciting and different, and it was all of those things. But, in the end, I don't think I can mold myself to fit into this lifestyle. I am so many things that just don't fit in here. I am loud, I am slightly obnoxious, always cynical. Fast-walking, hard-talking, don't-look-people-in-the-eye when I walk down the street. I've never been particularly friendly and I'm a total priss. Oh, and I like to party until dawn. Haha. None of these things seem to be working for me out here. So I think it's time to move on. I will miss many things about this place, but I know that this is just not for me. And so it's time for change, which I've always welcomed gladly. =)

roadblock.

I'm so frustrated right now, and by a variety of things. Part of it is these damn headaches I can't seem to get rid of but will mention to the doctor tomorrow. I never get headaches and now they happen at least 4 or 5 times a week. Maybe I'm dehydrated today. Normally I've had 40 ounces of water by this time in the day. Additionally, I'm pissed that I'm only going to be able to see the doctor at 3 pm tomorrow which basically means I have to work from home because it would make little to no sense to come in at 7:45 and leave at 12:10.

Then there's the whole boy situation. I've been talking to Jama lately about how aloof TG has been and he's counseled me that it could be the beginning of the end. I completely agree and this weekend I was starting to have those "guess this is over" feelings. You can expect the full update and a post-mortem on our relationship as soon as it ends for real. Suffice it to say it's been a real learning experience. And I mean that in the best sense of the term. I'm "emotionally stunted" and so any time I'm able to connect with anyone it's a miracle from God.

Lastly, work has been getting on my nerves a bit. I totally fucked something up today and I'm waiting for the fallout. I remedied it right away since someone caught it. However, that someone cc'd the project manager on the thread when I really think she could've just called me out without notifying everyone. UGH. So I'm expecting to hear something back about that. Lovely. Plus I just feel so sick of working. I mean, I enjoy my job, love my team and all, but I'm in this weird limbo. We know that we're rotating in June, so it's this strange in-between stage. I know I have less than two months so I'm already checking out and my motivation is dead. So I'm trying to ramp my energy up, but it's difficult. Sigh.

I'm ready to be a lawyer. I'm ready to go back to school. I feel like I'm just biding my time and while it's okay, I'm ready to do bigger and better things.

this weekend was crazy.

So, nothing really went as planned this weekend, but that's kind of okay. TG ended up bailing on me for Friday night - food poisoning he claims. I believe him and hope he feels better, but I can feel things cooling between us which is kind of sad. I think I just need to pull back more - I feel like I've been very proactive about trying to hang out with him and calling and e-mailing and IMming. So I'm going to stop doing all of that. Usually when I pull back, he ends up going into contact overdrive, calling me all the time. So I think giving him some space will be a good thing.

I spent Friday with Freshman Year Best Friend instead, eating delicious Mexican food and getting totally shitfaced at his apartment. It was fun and at least it kept me from moping around my house and complaining about the fact that I'm not getting any. Saturday morning MB and I did our biscuits and John Adams thing. Then that evening, the whole crowd assembled to go out dancing in the Marina. I had a fabulous time. The music was so on point, even if the crowd was a little weird. It was a good place to go if you're into the dancing. If I was looking to meet someone, I'd have to go elsewhere. I danced with this one guy, but I wasn't really into it. He was very nice, though, and super-respectful which I'm not used to. I tend to attract the kind of guys that like to grope you inappropriately after meeting you 30 seconds earlier. I actually don't mind that kind of thing, but I like meeting guys that don't do that and actually talk to you and dance respectfully. But, I still wasn't interested.

Today has been one loooong hangover. Because I didn't eat at all last night, I was totally fucked this morning even though I'd only had 3 drinks. For me, food is the key to avoiding a hangover. Without it, I'm totally screwed.

Anyhow, I'm too tired and frustrated to write about anything else. Time to go watch Veronica Mars and eat Ben & Jerry's. Tomorrow = intense diet and exercise regimen so I might as well kiss sugary, creamy ice cream goodbye.

the tide is turning.

Okay, at the behest of Senior Year Roommate I am updating. I know, I've been slacking. So here goes. I'm pretty much dedicating this post to talking solely about Tech Guy. I've been starting to get a new perspective on my situation with him. Monday night I went out to dinner with Mac (this is an absolutely horrid nickname) - a new friend of mine that I met through Freshman Year Best Friend and who works at Apple (hence the bad nickname). So he and I were hashing through my whole saga with TG and it gave me some new perspective. I'm always used to talking about my man drama with other women, who usually say much of the same thing. Talking to men about it gives me a different viewpoint. So I'm mulling on some of the things we talked about.

Anyway. In the realm of sex, I'm still sexless and I was going to write this ridiculous rant about what happened last night, but I've softened a bit. Last night TG and I went to the movies to see 21 (I liked it, it was cute, you should go see it). Well, prior to that, I went to his place hoping to God to get some nookie. I laid out on the bed suggestively, praying that he would take the hint and go for it. Instead, he just fixed up his room, unpacked his bags, arranged his laundry. JESUS. I was pissed. Then, when he finally got into bed and we turned the lights off, I started snuggling in towards him. He let me for a while but whenever I would try and get friskier, he would just shrug me off and tell me he was "relaxing." Mmhmm. Then he told me I was a bed hog, which made me upset, so I crawled over to the other side of the bed so we weren't touching. He felt bad, so he put his arms around me and made me tell him about my day. Basically, that's how it went for the hour and a half we were in his room. I'd try something, he'd pull away. Rinse and repeat. I was freaking out and seriously had the worst case of female blue balls on earth! I wanted to shoot him. Well, actually I wanted to rape him, but that seemed a bit, well... wrong to me.

We went to the movie, yada yada. He drove me home. Nothing more than a pretty chaste kiss happened at all between us. I was getting nervous - maybe he's not attracted to me, maybe I'm hideously ugly, maybe I smell bad, etc etc. I mean, he always seems to enjoy hooking up with me and is always singing my praises about various um *acts* that I enjoy performing. So I thought it was good, but then all of a sudden he wants nothing to do with me.

Then today, he messaged me at work. Conversation follows: (re: plans for the weekend)

me: am i invited?

he: yes

      we can do sweeney todd in between, as well

      and each other =)

me: haha... and i was beginning to think you'd lost interest in doing me

he: yeah, sorry i was a big vagina yesterday. i don't know what the deal was

me: hahaha, it's okay.

he: you should have checked me for balls

me: haha. i was afraid you'd cry rape

So, I'm getting laid tomorrow. Thank the sweet baby Jesus. 

Okay, I'm in a scary meeting with engineers now, so I have to peace. But I updated!