sex and the city mania.

For the past couple of weeks, with the advent of the Sex and the City movie, there's been soooo many articles about the show and whether it was good for women, bad for women, etc etc. One of my favorites is Susannah Breslin's write-up in Salon. She interviewed a lot of sex writers about the movie and I like the observations they made about women and sex and what the show did and didn't do for women.

I've been torn lately about my own sexuality and my comfort with it. How comfortable is too comfortable? I feel like I'm pretty open to most kinds of sexuality and I like talking about sex and thinking about it and I've definitely gotten over my squeamishness about honest sexual discussion. I like sex. I like porn. I read Fleshbot (really NSFW) on a daily basis and I frequent websites that would probably make my mother blush with shame. I'm comfortable with that now, but I've still held back when discussing my own sex life and I wonder if I'm ready to break through that wall in order to have a frank discussion about the realities of having sex.

I don't consider myself a "sex blogger" but I've always wanted to blog more about sex, relationships, and sexuality in general. I opened up an anonymous blog once in which I talked about my sex life in insane detail and it was truly refreshing. There were only about two people who read it (although one of them was a really prominent and well-known sex blogger, which made me so nervous), but it felt good to write something and know that no one knew it was me and I could be open and write an entry without immediately deleting it for fear of what other people would think. It got to be too much, though, so I shut it down. I admire the sex bloggers I read, especially the handful of them who post their shit with their real names attached to it. I don't know if I'm that brave. And yet, I feel strangely constrained by the fact that I know who reads this blog and I know they know me from college or work or high school. That kind of openness and honesty might be too much for me. But yet, I have things I want to write about - things I wonder about quite frequently, but don't have the courage to write about.

So I may be starting another little venture. I'll keep this blog for certain and I encourage you all to continue reading it. This thing is my baby and I can't imagine giving it up, but I'm thinking I may move some of my more personal and private sexual writing over to a new space. Maybe you'll stumble upon it one day.

commencement, part the second.

My all-time, absolute favorite part of Commencement happens on Sunday morning. All of the alumni line up and march down the hill by class stopping so that the older alumni are closer to campus and the newer ones are further. People bring their children, their families, etc. Then the graduates assemble and walk through the line of alumni as we cheer them on and celebrate the amazing accomplishment of graduating. Following that, the staff march and we clap and yell for them, acknowledging what an important role they have in making the school what it is. And lastly, all the alumni march through the graduates while they cheer us on, celebrating the common bond we share over a deeply unique experience.

To me, this is the essence of life at my particular alma mater. I love the fact that we all love this place, this school, SO much that people come back 70 years after they've graduated to celebrate a new class, to cheer them on and welcome them to the alumni community. It's truly breathtaking. It was the one part of the ceremony that made me want to cry, both as a graduate and an alum. To see the faces of those long graduated so proud and happy, yelling and shouting for us in our caps and gowns. And even as an alum, to see the graduates look at us with pride. I've never felt so connected, so at one with a group of people that I've never met.

It makes me want to go back every year. 

two posts in less than 12 hours? huh?

Yes, I'm posting again, because God knows if I don't keep writing, I'm going to forget everything and it'll be irrelevant. It's interesting how long I've kept up with this blogging thing. It's probably the longest I've ever done anything. About 5 years. Insanity.

ANYWAY. Commencement. Yes, we never discussed Commencement. First off, let me say, I had a fabulous time - I saw everyone I wanted to, everything was good, and I missed my alma mater oh-so-much. I'm going back next year, fyi.

The weekend really kicked off on Thursday, when most of the freshman unit friends came in. Dinner in Boston (Japanese hot pot! yum!), followed by the campus bar. I love that bar SO much. So many good memories of that place. Then Friday, the sorority chicks arrived and MB and I hit up the mall, buying makeup and getting my nails done. Typical girly stuff. That evening we went to a young alumni event that highlighted just how awkward it can be to be back at school. All that small-talk, shooting-the-shit bullshit. I like it sometimes, but honestly I just want to hang out, drink, and be candid with my favorites. Campus Dance = FAB. I got to see MC, who I hadn't talked to in forever. I miss her sooo much. But, she'll be on the East Coast this summer, so I'll be sure to schedule some time with her.

Saturday was spent getting some hangover brunch, mimosas/bloody mary's (wow I drink too much). Then I saw Jekyll and Hyde and fell in love. No, not with the super-hunky lead actor, but with the show itself. The music is so powerful. I cannot stop listening to it. And I was really proud of my friend, who was the director of the show. I miss theatre in this sick way that I can't even describe. I need to find a way to incorporate that into my life. Thank God, I'll be in NYC, theatre capital of the world! 

So Saturday night. Let's just say, I truly outdid myself this time. Went to the Alums in Boston/NYC reception, had two glasses of Chardonnay (I think it was Chardonnay. It was some kind of white wine. Whatever. It's booze, I just drink it and don't ask any questions). Post-that, went to my FAVE martini bar and got four martinis. Whoops. I ate a little bit there - some lettuce so I wouldn't bleed to death and these yummy pesto gnocchi. Then the campus bar, which was pretty much my undoing. I was already kinda drunk when we got there. Proceeded to order myself a grasshopper. Then College BFF bought me a whiskey sour. That's when things start to get fuzzy. I remember talking to Frack (The Banker's BFF) and then I remember talking to the Banker. Remember inappropriately touching said boy, followed by flirtatious witty banter and something about my chest. Then I took a shot with the mock trialers. After that, I had the Banker buy me a drink and then I lost track of the evening a bit. Apparently, I was ignoring my friends (at least according to MB, haha) and I was being my normal obnoxious drunk self, where I think people are talking about me and I'm all over the place. I swear, I get drunk and I'm on one of two modes - ADD or intense fixation on what's in front of me. That night seemed to be ADD night.

I remember peacing out with some mock trialers (NOT the Banker - got sick of him) and then going to a suite. Then pizza. I bought two pieces and immediately felt like I was going to be ill, so I ran across the street and totally vommed outside near a tree. The next day, while packing, I couldn't understand why my shoes were all dirty and gross. Um, yeah. That would be from puking on them. So yeah, booted outside, went back to my friends. Then passed out at the room. Lovely.

So yeah, that was part I of my weekend. The fun, out of control part. Part II later.

i don't know what's wrong with me.

I had another dream. About the Banker. Jesus mothereffing Christ. I don't know what's gotten into me or why he's invading my dreams but it's really freaky. Luckily they're not sexual dreams. It's also freaky because I've been thinking about TG like crazy as well. E-mailed TG the other day being all sappy and telling him that I miss him. He e-mailed me back with a quick note saying that he missed me too and reassuring me that my move will go smoothly. It made me so happy to get an e-mail from him.

But back to the Banker. I cannot help it, but for whatever reason, seeing him this past weekend apparently had a bigger effect on me than I thought. Of course, I was pretty wasted when I saw him, which was only made worse by having people buy me drinks (him included) at the bar. I remember being semi-all over him and being my normal, flirty self. I can't say what it is about him - I know he's a total asshole and a douchebag and I deserve better, but he's somehow gotten under my skin. When I'm far away I forget him completely, but all it takes is seeing him and I'm back to being a complete idiot. I think all of my friends are hoping I regain my senses and leave that alone (which I intend to do). Sigh. Why is life so difficult?

I just can't understand what attracts me to people. It's like all the guys that are amazing and nice, I don't want them. But the guys who are mean to me, who hurt me, that's what I want. I had a long heart to heart with MB about this and I think that for me, it's hard to separate the Banker from his role as my friend and his role as a hookup. As a friend, he's been good to me. In the romantic sense, he has been a complete and total tool. It's just that we have this chemistry that I've yet to recreate with anyone else. It's this spark of something and I like it, but it's not enough. I hate him. Luckily, I'm in good company. I think every woman he's ever touched wants to string him up. Well, whatever. I'm going to try and just forget about it and hope that he keeps from my dreams.

In other news, so much is happening. Packing is a bitch! But I'm almost done. I'm selling almost everything I own and I'm posting on Craigslist like crazy. New York City - here I come!

there is a price for everything.

It's a simple lesson, but one that I'm learning more and more the closer I come to leaving California. I came out here knowing it was temporary and all, and yet I didn't think about what it means to spend a year somewhere. You form connections, you make memories, and then you have to leave. It's a sad state of affairs.

I feel so conflicted about everything. I have never been so excited to do something as I am to move to New York. I am a New Yorker down to the bone and I know I'll thrive and that it'll be wonderful. I guess I just didn't expect to forge such strong bonds here in SF and I worry about that. But this is the price I have to pay. I know that New York will make me happy in ways that SF never will, but in exchange I lose what I've gained this year. It's only fair. It's just hard.

I said goodbye to TG today. Like for real goodbye. He's off to Europe for 25 days and when he gets back, I won't be here. He wants to visit in NYC and I want him to, but there's no guarantee that he will. So it was the final visit. I went over there as soon as I got off the plane -11:30 pm. It was nice to be in his bed, to sleep next to him, to kiss and cuddle and have sex. It's so strange to me that I might not see him again. Not to mention the fact that I can't really contact him for 25 days. I miss the easy access I have to him now. No more flirty text messages or late night phone calls. I don't know what I expected from our "relationship" but I'm sad at the prospect of him not being in my life. So that's difficult for me, naturally.

I have so much more to say. About commencement, housing, men, love, lust. But I have to pack and get ready for the new life in NYC. So I'm off!

in providence!

Finally in Providence. It's so weird to be back, especially since I'm one of the first ones here. I stayed with freshman roommate last night, will do the same tonight, and then tomorrow I move into the AXO room. I'm so excited about seeing everyone. It's kind of overcast and gray today, so it's not very pretty. I haven't really seen anyone I know. I've seen a couple of people I recognize walking by, but it's not enough that I want to jump up out of my seat at Starbucks and say hello. I just can't wait to see all of my sorority girls and all those people I've haven't seen in a year. Going out to dinner tonight with some freshman unit peeps which should be awkward. Haha. Well, awkward and fun. What? I'm just being honest.

Of course, I had to go and get my period this morning, which SUCKS because it means I'm going to have to be careful about drinking, since for some reason I have issues with alcohol and my period. Also since I'm on these damn blood thinners, I don't think I'm allowed to consume Midol the way I used to. I think I'm definitely going for the black dress and not the white one. Haha. Hopefully this is a fast cycle, because my last night with TG is on Sunday and I will cut a bitch if I can't hook up.

Anyway, I haven't felt particularly nostalgic yet. Shocking, huh? Maybe it's because the people and things I associate with Brown haven't arrived yet. Tomorrow I'll probably be full of deep thoughts and ruminations. But, for now, I'm just enjoying Starbucks and looking to go grab toiletries, lunch, and an umbrella.

So much for deep thoughts.

so much to tell you, so little time.

So, it's almost 2 am, I have to leave my apartment at 8 am for my flight back East, but I'm not packed, my room isn't clean, and nothing is done. I suck at life. But I wanted to see TG, so whatever! I have so much to talk about - my friends, my thoughts on NYC, my thoughts on leaving SF, my thoughts on things with TG. But I simply can't go over all of that tonight because I will not get any sleep if I do.

Long story short - tonight was really nice. I had so much fun with TG in that low-key kind of way. We want to this nice, homey Italian restaurant, complete with Italian mom as waitress (she asked me why I didn't eat my potatoes! haha). He paid for dinner and then we walked back to his place. He was really affectionate and sweet the whole time, finally giving me his full attention (I swear that boy is usually glued to his iPhone). We hooked up and then he let me nap there. Ladies and gentleman, I've decided that the men I date MUST understand how important napping is to me. I'm glad this one does. He was being all mushy - telling me how much he wanted to see me and how beautiful I am, etc etc. Normally that sappy shit pisses me off, but I found it very sweet. Sigh. I'm such a girl.

ANYWAY. Time to go get drunk off my ass in New England while celebrating Commencement and catching up with old friends. I'm excited!

Expect lots of airport posting!

blog on hiatus.

I'm going to be super-busy for a while, so I probably won't be posting until Monday! Have a happy rest of the week and an excellent weekend!

Some updates: Things are soooo much better with the person I was upset with. We talked and worked things out and I truly feel like everything is good. All of my anger and rage has evaporated. So I'm happy about that. Yay!

Work is dull and slow right now, but I suppose that's a good thing. I'm getting excited about my new rotation.

So yeah, that's it!

i'm ready for change.

I'm bored. I'm tired. I'm ready to go home. It's totally time to be settled and comfortable. It's amazing to know that in one month I'll be in the place I love with the people I love and hopefully in a job I love.

Stoked.

good morning baltimore!

Don't let the title fool you, I'm still not in a good mood. But, I'm trying hard and getting psyched about the exciting things that are happening in the next week!

This weekend was fun (until Saturday night). I got this random phone call on Friday afternoon inviting me to go with a group of kids from work to Napa. The plan was a limo stocked with liquor, touring some wineries, and In-N-Out Burger. I'm always really hesitant to do things with works peeps (especially since I didn't know this group all that well), but since Brunette was going, I decided to say yes. And I had an amazing time. It was cool to chill with people from work, meet some new people, and drink amazing wine. Brunette and I walked out of the Beringer winery with a case of wine. Yum!

I went dress shopping with MB on Sunday after apple turnovers. I couldn't decide on a dress for commencement, so I bought two of them. We'll see which one wins out.

So much is on my mind right now. (1) An important and semi-secretive event taking place Thurs-Mon which is stressing me out. I just want everything to go perfectly! (2) Commencement - I want to wear one of the dresses, but in order to feel comf, I feel like I'm going to have to starve myself for a week to lose a bit of weight to get into it. It fits and all, it's just one of those things where I'd like it to fit a little bit better. So maybe I'll stop eating for a bit. (3) Moving to NYC. So much to do, so little time. AHHHH (4) Focusing on not killing someone. Seriously, I'm so angry I can barely sleep. I was up all last night thinking about it.

Okay, freakout over. Time for "work."

whoa, that was scary.

Yes, last night I was insanely pissed off. I'm slightly better now, albeit still mad. I just don't even know what to do. It's like - is it worth it to confront someone or should I just grit my teeth and grin and bear it? I guess I'll just play it by ear. For right now, I'm avoiding this person like the plague. It's going to be difficult, but I know if we have words I'm going to say some pretty nasty stuff and I don't want to be mean. Damn, life is complicated. I'm looking forward to moving away from this drama. It's sad that it has to muck up my last weeks here.

I should update about my weekend - Napa and everything, but I'm tired and I'll do it tomorrow.

burning bridges.

I don't like to burn bridges, but I'm burning this one. So strike a match, say a prayer, because I am done. I'm done with bullshit and pettiness and smiling in people's faces and acting like I give a shit. Because I don't. Do whatever the fuck you want, I don't give a shit. And you can kiss my motherfucking black ass. I'm sick of this shit. I'm done.

End rant.

okay, these dreams are starting to get weird.

So last night, I had the scariest dream about Tech Guy. The gist of it is that we were in a restaurant and somehow or other he got into some heated argument with this guy. The guy left the restaurant and then came back in, shot him two times, and ran out. He lay dying on the floor. His mother came, which was just plain weird because I've never met his mom or anything and I'm pretty sure in the dream she was black and TG is white and Jewish, so I don't know what the hell was going on there. But yeah, it totally shook me up and it was weird and scary and freaky and I don't know what to make of it. So far, I've had two dreams about two guys I've slept with in the past two nights. 

Maybe someone will make an appearance in tonight's dreams. Sigh.

extreme weirdness.

OMG, I had the scariest dream last night about The Banker (see all posts with that label). Anyway, I haven't thought about him in *months,* probably not since the last time we talked - over Christmas break. But last night, I had a dream about him. We were in some sort of classroom setting  - me and Brunette - and I was ignoring him, the way I used to before I liked him. Then he finally started talking to me and said he was going to embroider some phrase that described me on a pillow. I can't remember the phrase - I think it was something about me being a commitment-phobic ice queen. And then we did our witty banter thing back and forth. God, it was a blast from the past. I don't even want to relive that. Most people I know think that I'm really cold and tend to treat men like playtoys, but this was one of the few men that I couldn't do that with. There were actual feelings there and I'm freaked out that I'm dreaming about him. It's probably just that I'm moving to NYC (where he lives) and I'm weird about it. Whatever. I'm hoping that I can forget it happened and move on.

TG sent me a cute text last night offering to pick me up from work. Unfortch I was already on the shuttle, but it was nice. He's going away this weekend and I'll miss him. But I'll also be able to get some shit done, which is important.

Moving is stressful, as I'm engaged in a battle of the wills with freshman year roomie. Although, I think we've both been very mature about this. Which is nice. I'm glad that I can finally stand up for what I believe in without being petulant or whiny or worse - not saying anything at all and just talking trash to my friends. Hopefully we'll resolve that and I'll have good news soon!

Okay, back to the grind!

hope.

I'm getting ready to go see Iron Man with TG, which is exciting. We've been hanging out a lot recently and I like it. It's good. Unfortunately, he told me "just the movie," so I'll be relegated to going home alone tonight. Sigh. I almost thought about canceling since there's no promise of hooking up, but that would be rude and classless. It would also imply that I'm seeing him for one thing and that's not really the case, so I decided to tough it out. Maybe I can make him change his mind ;) although I sincerely doubt he will.

I'm feeling extremely hopeful lately. Things seem to be syncing up perfectly for my move to NYC. Freshman year roomie is going there tomorrow and Thursday to hunt apartments. We even have a list and a map created! Hopefully she'll find something that we'll like. Then I can cross one thing off of my list. I really think that life is going to be sweeter in New York. I'm merely counting down the days until I'm able to live my new life and be a new person. Starting fresh. I love starting fresh. Especially since I learn something new after every move I make. I learned a lot of things from California - from the good and the bad - and I'm ready to take those lessons and parlay them into an exciting new existence in my favorite place on earth. I've never loved any city more than I've loved New York.

this made me laugh.

I was talking to Ace this morning on gChat and this comment totally had me cracking up.

me: oh?
haha that's awesome
i got nothing done.
but i went to dinner with TG and helped him do some moving.
so that was fun
Ace: aw, nice
were y'all at peace?
me: yeah, it was actually really nice.
he wants to come visit me in NYC in june
Ace: wow
wow, CJ
this sounds like devotion betwixt you two
i mean
not to speak taboo words

Too funny. I love how commitment-phobic I am sometimes.

So yeah, last night I hung out with TG and honestly, it was a lot of fun. It was the first time that I'd ever just had this impulse to call him and so I did and asked him if he wanted to do dinner, which he did. So we went to IHOP since I was craving it. It felt really relationshippy. We were going to head our separate ways post-dinner, but I think I looked really sad about it so he told me I could come over for a little bit.

So I helped him move some stuff, and then sat around while he cleaned his room. Obvs, I just wanted to hook up, but again, you know the deal between us - I'm the absolute horndog and he has the more reasonable sex drive. He was pretty much resisting it (I think he thought I'd automatically want to sleep over since I fell asleep there last time, and I know he wanted to be productive), so he offered me a backrub and then following that, he tried to kick me out. But I'm a girl, and I can find ways to be convincing. So I got my way and he let me stay for a little while and we finally started sleeping together again. Thank the Lord! It's just really funny how things are coming together as I'm getting ready to move. C'est la vie. But, I'm happy. Yay!

excitement!

For the first time in a long time, I am really excited about something. Moving to NYC is going to be amazing. I feel really tranquil about my decision, which leads me to believe that it's the right one. I've never felt so sure of something in my life - maybe my decision on where to go to college, but that's it. I think I'm ready to move on. Don't get me wrong - I'm really sad to be leaving certain people behind. But the thought of being in the best city in the country (in my humble opinion), close to family and friends, sounds like the best thing for me right now. Plus, now that I have so many friends on the West Coast, I'll be sure to come back and visit! Especially since my company will probably force me to come back to Cali every so often.

I'm nervous about logistics. However, I think my decision to live with Freshman Year Roommate (thanks, Senior Year Roommate!) is the perfect one. I'll be living with someone that doesn't work at my company and someone that I've lived with before and know I get along with. Score 1 and 2! I even bought a little guidebook today, so that I can explore the city properly.

Anyway, I have nothing of substance to say today, just that I'm oh so happy to be moving and I cannot wait to start my new life in NYC!

i am a coward.

I know it. I am. I hate difficult situations and I would sooner pluck out my own eye before I'd engage in any sort of confrontational situation.

So I'm moving to New York City. I got the transfer from my company and my new rotation will be in Recruiting in the NYC office. This excites me to no end. I'm legitimately happy and ready to make a new life in NYC. However, facing Tech Guy and telling him that I'm moving? Difficult.

So conveniently, I just didn't do it. I don't know why. I guess I just wasn't sure how he'd react and we had planned to hang out last night and I didn't want to ruin it. I wanted to have the best time possible and I knew that bringing up moving would put a damper on it. So I kept my mouth shut.

And it was the best night ever. It started out kind of shitty because I was being a bitch. Of course, I wanted to go to my restaurant, but we went to his instead and I was pouty for a bit. "You're mean today..." he told me. "I'm always mean," I shot back. But after that, we kicked it at his brand new apartment (only a 20 min walk!) with his new roommate and the roommate's girlfriend. I actually had a great time. Roomie and girlfriend were interesting people, fun to talk to, and I felt more at ease with them than with TG's former roommates. They seemed to like me and said they hoped to see more of me. I wasn't planning on it, but I ended up spending the night. Had to make up for lost time since my period meant no nookie for me the last time we got together. He was really sweet and it was probably the hottest bedroom sesh we've ever had. I even got him to talk dirty to me. Score! We both fell asleep pretty early after I asked him if I could stay over. Woke up in the morning for Round 2 and then I went home to go get my blood tested.

I've really enjoyed spending time with him lately and I'm even starting to think of him as my semi-bf. I mean, after 6 months, he's the closest thing I've had to a real relationship. He's helped me grow in many ways, tested my boundaries, and forced me to think about what it means to care about another person in a romantic way.

Update: I told him. Told him that I was moving. I asked him if he'd miss me. He said yes. I told him I'd miss him, too. And I actually mean it. Maybe I do have feelings. At least sometimes.