high school revisited.

My brother Juan graduated from high school on Sunday and it was such a mind-fuck to be back in the place where I graduated, watching him go through all of those emotions and feelings I had back in June of '03.

I can barely remember my high school graduation. There are only a few things that stick out in my mind. One was the fact that I couldn't hear the speeches because the stupid chick next to me was running her mouth the whole time. I also remember the only part of the salutatorian's speech that I do remember was the fact that he used the word 'time' about a million, well, times. Although the actual event wasn't all that memorable, I can still remember how exciting that time was. To feel free, poised on the edge of something great, not knowing what's going to happen in the future, but being incredibly excited about it. I miss that feeling.

Most people hated high school, but I absolutely loved it. I made friends that I still talk to on a daily basis, I was on the top of my game academically, and I had a lot of good, clean fun and I'm happy about that. As much as I enjoy the alcoholic, promiscuous lifestyle that I indulge in currently, I really liked being wholesome and good and still having an amazing time with my friends. I think in a lot of ways it made my friendships with them stronger. I was a total wild-child in middle school and the good Lord knows that didn't get me anywhere. Nor did I form any lasting connections from that period in my life.

All in all, it was kind of nice to revisit high school. You all know I'm a sucker for nostalgia and I definitely got a good dose of it this weekend.

frustration.

Ack, so I write a blog titled 'Pillow Talk Is Extra' and I haven't even had any opportunities to have any pillow talk. I feel like I've been bitching about my life and apartment situation for so long that I haven't thought about boys or written about them. I'm in this weird phase right now. I'm not really looking for men or opportunities, I'm just kind of coasting. There are some hotties in my screenwriting class, though. I've definitely been checking them out, but nothing serious or feasible.

I totally still talk to TG like ALL THE TIME. We talk during the work-day and he texts me and I text him. For a while it was kind of platonic and we're definitely not in a "relationship" because whenever I complain about not having gotten any, he'll tell me to go out to a bar or something. Lately, though, things have gotten more sexual, which is both good and bad. I feel like I use him as a sexual crutch. Whenever I'm feeling even slightly in the mood, I'll antagonize him or try to get him to have text/cyber/phone sex with me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I need to start seeking out sexual gratification elsewhere. This is starting to become borderline unhealthy.

I'm torn on whether or not I want him to visit. I mean, in some ways, I do, because I'll get some, get to see him, and do touristy NYC things. However, there's this huge part of me that just doesn't want to ever see him again. I am so fucked up. Seriously. I don't know what it is with me, but I blow hot and cold like nobody's business. One second I miss him and I'm thinking about him and the next second, I'm completely repulsed by the idea of spending time with him. I have a feeling I'd be an excellent case study for some psych lab. Sigh.

And so I don't know what to do, but I have to do something because whatever it is that I'm doing is not good for me.

lazy saturday night.

I'm taking a break from being social in order to just chill out. I'm hopelessly stressed about the apartment situation. I don't even want to talk about it. Who knew it would be this difficult? Anyway, I think I'm going to be waiting til August to get a place, which means one more month of frustration. It's okay, though. I'll deal.

I've had a little too much wine, so I'm sure I'm going to be insanely incoherent throughout this whole entry. And I'm totally watching the DeGrassi marathon because I'm such a dork! I've forgotten how much I miss premium cable.

I really need a home right now. I feel aimless, almost. I miss having a place to call my own. Gah, I can't write anymore - I'm tired. My brother graduates tomorrow, so I should catch some ZzZs before the morning.

I also have no idea what the hell I'm going to write about for my screenplay class. I need an idea that isn't cliche. Anybody? Bueller?

stolen from a blog i lurk on.

So I read the blog Deliciously Naughty (NSFW) and recently she had this great post on the five things that have defined her life. Since I haven't been writing too much on this thing lately, I figured why the hell not do something like that here. Except I'm at work and I can only think of four. So here you go, the four things that I think have shaped who I am and have profoundly affected my personality.

(1) My adoption - So I'm adopted, right? I honestly think that that is the single-most defining characteristic that has made me who I am today. A lot of key aspects of my personality stem from it. I was raised openly adopted - I mean, my parents are so different in looks and color that they really couldn't lie and so they just told me. I always knew where babies come from, I always knew that I wasn't my parent's biological child. The whole sex obsession started because as a kid my parents used to give me this book about conception and childbirth with huge pictures of sperm and egg. It was my favorite thing ever. I read it everyday. I loved how the little sperm looked in the pictures (omglol - I'm on CRACK). I also learned that blood is NOT thicker than water. I come from a mixed family, both racial and adopted/non-adopted. I have three brothers - one adopted, one not - and never, ever have my parents treated us differently. I learned the power of love. I have parents who loved me, nurtured me, cared for me, even though I wasn't related to them biologically. That's a beautiful thing. I learned that you can create family out of anything and I've done that. My friends, the ones from Long Island, are my family. I never really realized that until recently. Because I can fight with them, I can be mean to them, I can yell and get upset or make snide comments, and they're still there. They know me and they accept and embrace me and they are my family for those reasons. Being adopted helped me learn that lesson - that you can connect with someone in a deep, meaningful way, whether you're related or not. And that is a beautiful thing.

(2) Race - I know what you're thinking - oh here "they" go again. Always the race with the blacks. Hah. But for me it's so much deeper than that. Yes, I'm black and that's affected my identity. BUT, I am the rare creature who was raised in a bi-racial home without actually being bi-racial. I was also raised in a bourgie bi-racial home. It gets complicated. Since my parents are two different races, I've never found interracial relationships odd or strange. I've found them beautiful and natural. If you like someone, you like them, regardless of their color. I love to explore other people's cultures since so many of my friends were ethnically and racially different from me. Race is a complicated and nuanced topic and my household was just one example of that. Of course, I had the traditional bourgie black childhood, where my parents told me I had to be better, smarter, and faster than anyone else because I was black and when you're black you have to be twice as good to get half as much recognition. So I learned to push myself because I knew that's what it would take to succeed.

(3) My painfully shy childhood - When I was a child, I was so shy that I could barely go out in public. Whenever I did, I would scream and cry if I thought someone was looking at me. I've come a loooong way from that, but let me tell you, everytime I'm placed in a new situation it's like I'm 4 years old again. I'm just naturally reserved whenever I first meet people. Like at work - I'm terrified to talk to people and I generally keep really quiet. I don't know why - it's just this holdover from childhood, this regression. It makes it really difficult to be in new situations because I freeze up and clam up. It just makes getting comfortable take 10 times longer for me.

(4) Being single forever - You may laugh, but honestly being single my whole life has been one of the best things ever. Obviously, I don't want that to continue, but not having a man has given me an amazing sense of independence and knowledge of myself that has been invaluable. I've never really had anyone to do nice little romantic things for me or to help me out with things that boyfriends help out with. Instead I've done those things myself and while it hasn't been easy, it's certainly allowed me to learn how to function without a mate. On the flip side, it makes me loathe to give up my independence. I sometimes view relationships as being chains. Something used to bind you, to keep you dependent. I must admit, although I do want a relationship, I'm deathly afraid of them. If I EVER turn into one of those girls who can't function without checking and seeing what "we're" doing for the weekend, fucking shoot me. I'm serious. That is my biggest fear. That somehow, some man out there is going to steal me away from my friends, cause me to lose relationships, and preoccupy my mind 24/7. God willing I can get by without any of that. But anyhow, that was a tangent. Yeah, being single. Definitely up there in my defining characteristics.

it's sort of funny...

...but right now I'm more fucked up than I have been in a while - no real place to live, no prospects, no direction - and yet, I'm the happiest I've been since college. It's funny how that happens. I guess New York is just home for me in this really odd way. I love it here, despite the fact that my commute is long, I live with my parents, and I have an old, unreliable car. I just feel settled. It's sick, but in a good way.

Maybe this is God's way of telling me that this is where I belong.

life plan.

I don't really have a life plan right now and it's scaring the fuck out of me. I'm not sure what I should do with my life or what will make me happy or how to go about finding happiness. I'm debating if I should stay at my company for another year and finish out the program, have more of my stock vest, and earn some money for a little while longer. Or should I study for the LSAT, take it in October, and go about applying to schools in order to start next fall? Or should I leave my job, get a job at a law firm, and then go back to school in a year? I have no idea what I want to do. I feel like I'm getting older and time is running out and I need to focus and get serious about finding both a life partner and a career. It's just so much pressure.

I need to really sit down with myself sometime in the near future and think about what I want, what I need, and how to go about getting it.

rut.

Ugh, my life is so boring right now. Haha - I don't have anything going on, really. I'm still apartment hunting like mad, praying to God I find something soon. I have this one place that I really really really like, but I don't know if they're going to take me. I'm praying that they do, though. I have no romantic prospects on the horizon, and hell, even if I did, it's not like I have anyplace to take them. There is this hottie who rides the train in the morning, though. He's super cute, dark skin, banging body, and he's always studying on the train. But, I mean, I doubt anything's going to happen there. Sigh.

I need to either get laid or have something absolutely fabulous happen to me in the next 72 hours or I'm going to kill someone. Seriously. On the bright side, no rent right now means I have a lot of extra cash flow. Can someone say shopping spree this weekend? AND hair. AND nails. AND brows.

Hottttt.

not really much to say...

So yeah, my life was in shambles in the beginning of this week but I'm kind of over it and there's nothing left to do but move on and learn something. So that's what I'm going to do. This isn't the end of the world, and in the long run, I think I'll probably be okay with what happened at least on a fundamental level. I probably wouldn't have enjoyed living in that place and the lack of paperwork or any normal contact with that landlord would've been a problem. I shouldn't have done what I did - it was shitty and unfair to everyone else involved, but I did it and I'm sorry about it and now I have to just move on. So that is that.

I'm trying to start my life here, but it's hard without a true home base, so for now, I'll have to try and make something out of what I'm working with. That's really the only thing to do. I signed up for a screenwriting class at work. I'm SO nervous. I cannot think of what I would write a screenplay about, but you can bet I'll be thinking long and hard before class next week. Any ideas?? Thus far, I've got pretty much nothing. I think I'd be better at novel writing than screenplays, but I figured it was a good way to meet people and a good way to start working on my writing, since I've been neglecting the blog lately. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Tech Guy gets back from Europe today. I don't know how I feel about that. We've been in fairly regular contact despite his lack of a computer. He sends me pictures and notes at least 4 times a week and we've had some IM chats. I don't know if I miss him, like I did at first, but it will be nice to see what the nature of our "relationship" is now that he's back in the States. Obviously, with no apartment, he's not going to be able to visit until August. So we'll see what happens. I just want to meet someone that makes me stop in my tracks. Is that so difficult?

high school reunion!!!!

Haha - I just spent a couple of hours at a bar in NYC with a whole bunch of high school friends that I hadn't seen in years! It was like a mini-reunion and it was SO MUCH FUN. I forgot how much I missed certain people who've passed out of my life. It was nice to relive old memories and talk about people we knew way back when. Refreshing.

i think my middle name should've been drama.

I think I'm going through the single most dramatic phase of my adult life. In the course of about 36 hours, I moved into and out of a Williamsburg apartment. That's right. I'm currently residing in my parent's house on Long Island. I no longer live in Brooklyn. I no longer have an apartment. I've gone through the details of this fiasco too many times to count, but I suppose I might as well document it here in the shortest terms possible. If you want to know more, IM me (personal friends) or ask me via e-mail: pillowtalkisextra@gmail.com

So Freshman Year Roommate and I find a place that works for both of us. The bedrooms are small and space is tight, but it's in her price range and my distance range and it works. That's when things get a little bit sketchy. It takes forever to get the credit check, the landlord is weird, the credit check guy doesn't know about us, and the girl renting it is out of town. Lovely. But we move in slowly. Then I show my mom the place and she FREAKS OUT, calling it small and filthy. She yells at me, I yell back. No one is happy. I'm basically told that I cannot live there and called all sorts of names - "stupid" "pushover" etc. I spend 24 hours agonizing, pulling my hair out, trying to think of what to do. Can I really screw over three people - Freshman Year Roommate, chick in the apartment, chick I'm renting for? But can I afford to piss off my mother who holds the strings on my loans? Apparently the answer to the first question is yes. Which disturbs and upsets me. Because I hate doing anything that hurts someone, even if it's best for me. Even if I see the reasoning behind it. It also pisses me off that my mother cannot keep her opinions to herself. That I'm not allowed to live my life the way I want to. That basically I will have to cultivate two personas (which I already do in some degree) - and wall my parents off from the important things in my life.

I wonder if my mom ever thinks about why I never talk about men. If she thinks it's because I don't go out with them or I'm not interested in them or whatever. You want to know the real reason? My mother is so judgmental that I cannot imagine introducing her to anyone important in my life. Isn't that sad? It's true, though. I can see myself eloping and sending my parents a marriage announcement. Because she doesn't even know me. I'm a stranger to her. All the things that I like and care for and am interested in, she knows little to nothing about them.

We're not really talking and I'm staying here while I desperately hunt for new places to live. A part of me has died. A part of me is broken. I am numb and I have no emotion toward anyone or anything. I have no desire to see anyone, I don't really want to talk. I just want to lock myself in my room until I waste away.

God grant me the strength I need to deal with this.

outside of my drama, life is pretty boring.

I wish I had something interesting to tell you. Until I feel settled here in NYC, I can't really do anything all that interesting. I'm supposed to go out tonight with Same High School Same College Friend, but now because of some last minute scheduling stuff I think I'm going to have to hold off on that, which kind of sucks, but whatever. I think I'm going to go home, have some friends over at 7, and then maybe head back into Manhattan to chill and kick it out there. Then back home around 11 or so. We'll see. I'll update more when I have the time, strength, and energy.

oh. em. gee.

So I have serious drama to talk about, but I don't know who reads this blog and since I don't know, I'm not sure if I can talk about it. Sigh.

I'm trying to tell everyone I know and get an answer to my dilemma. Damn, I hate how my life is always so fucking complicated.

i hate money. i hate parents.

I just realized right now (or 2 hours ago) how much resistance my parents are going to give me when I decide to go to law school in the fall. Basically, my father wants me to never quit my job and my mother wants me to go to law school part-time while I work. Neither of these options appeal to me. Her point is that my employer might pay for it and if I do it piecemeal (that's probably not the right term) then they'll pay course by course and I'll have to shell out less money. It makes sense in that regard, I'll give her that, but it doesn't jive with my plan.

I want to go to a really good law school and I want to go full-time. I want to really be a student - to focus and learn without thinking about a job. And I'm willing to sink myself into debt to do it. I mean, I figure, if I go to a good enough school, I'll come out making 6 figures and I'll be able to pay off my debt and it'll be worth it. I'll have my JD, a job (God willing), and a wonderful experience. The thought of working and going to school at the same time makes me sick. Firstly, because I want to have the full experience of law school. And secondly, because as much as I enjoy what I'm doing right now, in this moment, it's not a forever thing. I believe I was put on this earth to be a lawyer. That's what I want, and that's what I'll strive for. And I don't mind a mountain of debt to do it. But rest assured, when it gets closer to the time, it'll be a fight.

And so, I'll do what I do best --- lie. Well, maybe not lie, but just omitting things. Not telling my parents I'm taking an LSAT course. Not telling them about the test in October. Not telling them about applications. Doing all the legwork myself and then just springing it on them. This is my life. Not theirs, mine. And I've made so many choices because of what they wanted. Even my current job. I went to CA because my mother wanted me to. Yes, I wanted to go as well. A part of it was appealing to me and I'm damn glad I did it. But I know that my parents influenced that. And I'm done with listening to influence. If I have to go to my grave alone, I'll do it to get what I want. It's not like they'll be paying for it anyway.

the job.

I just realized that I haven't discussed my job at all, and so it's time to rectify that. As you may or may not know, I work for a global tech firm, doing HR for them. In my past life in Cali, I worked on the generalist team, doing things like promotions, running roundtables, probing the org to see what HR could do for them, etc etc. My new role is completely different and I'm a recruiting coordinator. Basically this means that I support a bunch of recruiters, scheduling candidate interviews and arranging their travel, ironing out any issues they might have, and taking care of new hire on-boarding. I do this for the engineering function for the NYC office, some Canadian offices and some other emerging East Coast offices.

It's really different from what I was doing in California, in nearly every aspect. Part of this is the nature of the work, the other part is the nature of the NYC office. People here come in pretty late. Like 10 am-ish. I tend to get in at 8:30 because that makes sense for me. I've been leaving anywhere from 5-6 pm. I take lunches now, which is sweet. The work is definitely really routine, but I kind of like that. Although, I will definitely miss my old team (I LOVE the people), but I like this new work schedule. It suits me. And once I'm living in NYC, I'll be able to get up around 8, come in at 9 and be out by 6 and only 20 minutes away from my apartment. I'm going to go to happy hour ALL THE TIME.

So yeah, I'm really happy in the office so far. Everything is pretty chill and I like it. I think these next 9 months are going to be great!

much better.

OMG, I was looking through the list of folks who've perused my blog and it turns out that someone got to this little corner of the web by searching "borderline nymphomania." HAHA. My blog comes up as the third link. Jesus. Gotta love it.

I feel better now. I just - I don't know - I'm kind of crazy. Schizo maybe? The mood ebbs and flows, ya know? What can you do?

Work tomorrow. Ick. I looooove going to work, but I hate commuting to get there. That's what really sucks.

I also need to do a revamp on the blog to reflect the new locale, etc etc. Back tomorrow with something more insightful than my complaining about life.

really strange mood.

I don't even know why I'm writing right now. I don't really have anything particularly noteworthy to talk about. Life is still the same. Cannot wait to get out of my parents' house. Cannot wait to start living a real NYC social life. And I'm also starting to have these weird doubts about life. But I think that's because I'm in a weird mood.

I started looking at LSAT courses today. Because I know that my future lies not in my current career, but in the practice of the law. Entertainment law to be specific. So I'm glad that I'm getting ready to pursue my true calling. I'm in the city I love, now I have to be doing the thing that I love. Pray for me - this application shit seems so long ago, I'm not sure if I know how to do it anymore.

Lately, I've been having these weird thoughts about the single life. It seems like most of the people I know here are in relationships or married or engaged, which can be rough sometimes. But at the same time, I hate having these feelings. I hate not being enough for myself. I think I'm just starting to realize that life is going to quickly turn into two camps: the singles and the not-singles. Which is kind of rough. As people get older and their relationships get more and more important, friendships will fall by the wayside. And so I'll be left alone because I have little to no faith in anyone, not even myself. I know that even if none of my friends change, that I will and in the end it'll just be me. Because I am moody and difficult and I hold grudges and I never forget and I care so much that I have to act like I don't care or else I'll get hurt.

I ask myself every day what I want and I honestly don't know. The idea of being single forever seems less scary every day. I mean, self-reflection and what-not. Plus I fully intend to have two children regardless of whether I'm attached or not. However, I know that that's not my ideal life, but I also don't want to be some simpering ninny chasing after someone who 9 times out of 10 isn't worth it. 

Oh, to be young and bitter. It's a wonderful thing.

finally! an entry!

First off, let me apologize for waiting so long to write, but moving is insane! The 1 hour 15 commute twice a day wears on you, especially when you're looking for an apartment. I'd get up every day at 6 am and return from the city around 9 pm. So not fun. But that shit is over because we found a place! Yes, freshman roommate and I found a cute 3BR apartment in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. We're living with another girl, a playwright who seems super nice. She has a cat! And she wants another one! Which means my dream of having my very own koshka (that's cat in Russian folks) will be realized!

Basically, ever since moving to New York, I've been incredibly happy in this way that I can't really describe. It's this sense of contentment where I'm not stressed, I'm not worrying, I'm just existing and it feels fabulous. I have no idea what my living situation will be like, what my social life will look like, or even what my job will be like. But, honestly, I'm so happy I don't care. I just feel like everything is going to be okay. I've already rekindled my relationships with my high school friends, I have friends at my job that I eat with daily, and my new team seems wonderful. I'll probably start looking for some outside friend sources, but for now I think I'm pretty content socially.

Yes, I miss people. I miss MB and Freshman Year Best Friend and my roommates and my big apartment. But, I'm still really happy that I made this decision. It was the right thing for me to do and I know that. I'm looking forward to living the way I want to live and doing things the way I'd like.

I'll keep you all posted on recent developments!

i am in new york.

It's sooo surreal! I cannot believe that I'm home again. That this is my new home and that I won't be going back to San Francisco. I'm happy, sad, scared, frustrated, nervous. It's really amazing how many emotions can go through you at one time. I got in this morning and it was so strange. I'm starting to realize that I'm going to have to carve out a new life for myself. I'm scared as hell, but also looking forward to the opportunity to reinvent and better myself. It's just exciting to be starting over, turning over a new page.

I'm incredibly tired, though, and have a lot of shit to do before tomorrow morning. So, I'll update later. Goodnight!

last weekend in SF.

So, it's finally here and (almost) gone: my last weekend in the city of San Francisco. It was really an amazing weekend. I'll save the sappy retrospective for tomorrow (airport post, maybe?), but basically I had a lot of fun this weekend. 

Friday night I spent with my roommates, where we went to the Alembic. It was awesome! The drinks were good - well, the first one was. The second one was kind of like cough syrup and almost knocked me on my ass. The food, however, was amazing. These really good fries and an amazing wasabi steak. God, I want to go back there tonight.

Saturday morning was IHOP with MB, chit-chatting as usual. Then that evening Freshman Year Best Friend had a surprise dinner party for me. It was really really sweet. Apparently, MB had been doing undercover spy work on me over commencement, figuring out my favorite foods. So we had macaroni and cheese with green tabasco sauce on the side, buffalo chicken fingers, stuffing, biscuits, and buttermilk cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. It was fucking amazing. So good, I can't even tell you. Also, we had these orgasmic thin mint martinis. It was fabulous. I don't think anyone's ever really done anything like that for me and it was sweet. Played Taboo (boys vs. girls. boys won. boo) and then stayed up chatting until around 3 am when we got home and I crashed on the couch since I don't have a bed anymore.

Today, I had lunch with FYBF in North Beach. We got Italian food and then gelato - omg SO good. I had lemon, caramel, and plain yogurt flavored. Heavenly. Then we hung around in Washington Square Park for a bit just talking about things. I'm really going to miss all of our conversations and I'm praying that I'm good at keeping up communication. I know I usually am, but I'm so afraid that something's going to happen and I'm going to fuck everything up, ya know? But I'm going to try reallllly hard to make sure we keep in touch. Plans for tonight include the Top of the Mark with MB and then more and more packing and cleaning. Going into work late tomorrow, and then we have a wine tasting.

Happy Sunday!