almost. there.

So much to do in prep for College BFF's visit. I have to clean, cook, do laundry, go liquor and grocery shopping, get my hair/nails/brows done. ARGGGG. I'm never going to finish everything. But luckily, she's not expected until 7 pm. For some reason, I am absolutely dog tired. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day let alone the weekend. Hopefully we'll keep it lowkey tonight - maybe just dinner out and then a bar and then we can chat and hang out at home. Touring the libraries tomorrow - haha. Loves it.

Okay, it is time for me to get some work done since my boss basically told me I can leave as soon as I finish the most pressing tasks. Wee!

this weekend could not come fast enough.

I am so excited! By a stroke of luck, my best friend's parents decided not to visit her in DC this weekend, so she's coming up here tomorrow to spend the weekend. I've never been so excited in my life! I miss that chick like whoa and the last time I saw her, I had just been hooked up to an IV, diagnosed with a blood clot. So we definitely have to make this weekend a lot more fun than that experience.

I have a lot of people that I refer to as my "best friend" because I think that you have different best friends at different stages and locations of your life. However, I think College BFF is one of the most important people in my life, regardless of space or time or where I was or what I did. She never judges me and she's been there with me through so much - when guys have fucked me over, when I screwed up royally on my thesis, when I struggled to decide what to do with my life. She listened to me bitch and moan and she's never once judged any of my actions. She lets me do what I want and I let her do what she wants and we both know that no matter what stupid bullshit we get into, neither one will ever say I told you so. Maybe it's the fact that we're both bourgie black girls with a very similar upbringing, but there's a closeness I have to her that I've yet to duplicate.

And so this weekend, I'm determined to show her a good New York time. In light of my mixed emotions, crazy feelings, and mood swings, I need this vacation and I need her to come help balance me out. Here's hoping we have some crazy times this weekend! I'm sure we will =)

happy anniversary!

One year ago today, I started my job. I was scared as fuck, in a brand new part of the country, wondering whether or not I'd be able to hack it. I still can't believe that it's been a year - that I've been out of school for a year, living like an adult, paying bills and making my own decisions. I remember how frightened I was - my parents had just left that morning, I had next to no friends living in SF and I was working at one of the most talked-about firms in the country. I felt inadequate, ill-prepared, and small. I'm so surprised I didn't vomit from nerves.

And now, here I am, one year later, still working at the same company, but in a new role and a new location. I managed to swing 'Exceeding Expectations' in both my old role and my new, meaning that come January I could be promoted, which is so fucking exciting! I like knowing that I have the tools to not only survive, but to thrive and excel - it's a positive feeling.

Looking back on the past year, it's shown me that I can do most things I put my mind to and that thought has given me the desire for change, the desire to find that one thing that makes me happy and to go about doing it. I don't know if that's law or entertainment or writing or HR, but I do know what I need to sit down with myself and think about what I want my life to look like - figure out who I want to be. I'm not exactly sure where I'll be one week from today, but all I can do is hope that it's someplace that will challenge me and allow me to pursue my dreams.

on the upswing.

I had a good night last night - even if it wasn't very productive. I really think I'm going to like living with my roommate. I had a good time chatting with her and her friend last night. It was just nice to hang out, chill, and talk. I miss that sort of thing - it reminds me of San Francisco or a night at the sorority house. 

On another note, I am absolutely obsessed with Mad Men. I really don't know where I was when it first came out, but it's a sin and a shame that it took me this long to discover it because it is fabulous. I love the characters, the mood, the dialogue. Amazing =)

Tonight is a girls night out to celebrate our 1 year anniversary of working for our company. I'm really excited about it. I cannot believe it's been a year since I've been out of school. And what a year it's been. I moved to CA, built a life there, left that life, and moved back to NY where I'm trying to sort everything out. But more on that later - I should get back to work so I can ensure another year of employment.

can i just say...?

that being a crazy psycho blogger who also keeps personal diaries is actually kind of amazing. I love re-reading all of the crazy angst of my life in San Francisco. I just spent a fair amount of time poring over my journals and blog entries. It's insane how one person can feel so much over such a short period of time. I'm amazed at how intensely I feel sometimes - how I was able to document that. The documentation of a relationship, of a move, of this crazy post-college life just mystifies me. I hope I never stop feeling, never stop growing, and never stop writing.

So I guess this is growing up…

This trip has done a number on me in more ways than one. I guess I’ve never really done the whole “coming back” thing. By that, I mean returning to a place you once called home – but not a childhood home, a home that was yours and yours alone. I think what was most jarring about the trip was that I never really realized how much of a life I had carved out here in San Francisco or how attached to it I was. See the problem with being a (seemingly) emotionless bitch is that when it finally hits you that you actually do care about things other than yourself, it’s like getting hit in the stomach with a sack full of bricks. The wind is knocked out of you, you can’t breathe, and it hurts like hell.

When I’m in New York, it’s really easy not to miss San Francisco. Of course I miss my friends, but because there’s so much going on in NYC it’s easy to be distracted by the bright lights, the presence of people I’ve known for 10 years, the daily grind of life in Manhattan. But the second I got off the plane in California it was like entering an alternate universe. You’re back to where you left off, but you realize that you don’t fit in there anymore. Life has changed, the world has re-molded itself to deal with your absence.

I guess I just thought I would come to San Francisco, stay for a week and relive what it was like for the 9 months I lived there. But things had changed – people and places had altered and it was a total mindfuck. I think the situation with TG illustrates that the most. I think he and I, while very different, have some fundamental similarities – especially around the idea of nostalgia and letting go. I SUCK at letting go. It’s so hard for me – when it comes to friends or men. I had a really good friend in college who, as a result of drama in a shared extracurricular activity, no longer talks to me. That shit was so painful for me. I could barely deal with it. I didn’t want to let her go – didn’t want to give up years of friendship. I’m like that with the men I get involved with as well. I’m really good at having sex without strings or emotions, but only if the experience stays on the purely sexual level. Once I get a glimmer of feeling, I’m fucked. I can’t let go of that person and it’s difficult. Like I’m finally over the Banker (thank GOD), but it took a long time. When I get attached, I am attached. And with TG, that was what it was like. I got so attached to him. He was a daily presence in my life – for the past 10 months we’ve talked on a daily or near daily basis and severing that tie is hard. I’ve definitely done it before, but it takes some time. And I think the promise of me going to SF for a trip or him going to New York kept me from really moving on with my life. I think this trip was painful, but necessary, because it showed me that I have to move on. Even though I always knew that TG wasn’t “right” for me (although there are times when I’m not even sure that’s true and wonder what would’ve happened had I stayed in SF), I guess I just couldn’t picture things without him because he’d become such a huge part of my life. And being in close proximity to him didn’t help.

When I am in New York, I reside there mind, body, and spirit. I think because it’s my home I always feel centered and grounded there, completely immersed in that lifestyle. Leaving it for the week was confusing and difficult, especially since it involved going to another “home” of mine. But now that I’ve had my week here, I feel like I have closure around some of the key relationships in my life. I finally tied up all the loose ends that existed there – no more of my possessions are in CA and I’ve had the difficult conversations that I needed to have with the people who live there. I’m finally free to move on. And that is exactly what I plan on doing the second I arrive at JFK Airport. It’s time to get serious about my life, my desires, and what I want. I’ve been idle for too long, allowing myself to become complacent. I need to get serious about putting my goals in motion. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned about life thus far it’s that nothing worth having comes easy. You have to fight for what you want. In the words of Jack Nicholson in The Departed – “No one’s going to give it to you. You’ve got to take it.” I think I’m ready to do just that.

it is so fucking weird to go back to somewhere you used to live.

I just want to put that out there. Because it's SO TRUE. I'm having a blast - loving being here, but it's so emotionally draining. To be where you used to be, but have things change. You just know that the life you lived here is over and you've moved on. I think maybe because my life is unsettled in NYC right now, it's especially hard to come back and remember the life I used to lead. I had friends. I had a LOT of friends. I had an active social life and I did things and made memories that I will always cherish. Like drinking grasshoppers at the Marriott Hotel Bar with MB, Bill, and Jes. Going to XYZ on Tuesday nights. Movie nights with everyone gathered around our tiny kitchen table. TG driving me back in his car from his place, listening to my iPod. Walking to the shuttle in the mornings. 

I miss things, but then again, I don't. My life here was never whole and complete here - I remember that. I remember the bad parts - the loneliness, the discomfort, the drama (both friendship and romantic). So I don't want to glamorize it, but I do still think that there were some rock solid things about SF: namely my job, coworkers, and the close friends I made here. I'll miss them.

It's been weird to see TG. So weird. I mean, that was my first real relationship. As screwy as it was and as much as we didn't define or put a label on things, he was my boyfriend for all intents and purposes. We dated for a solid 7 months (November-May), were sexually monogamous, and a daily fixture in each other's lives. Even after I moved away, we spoke every day. When he was in Europe he e-mailed me every day sending me pictures and little notes. And even when I was in New York, it was still this daily communication. And now it's truly an end of an era. I don't intend to fully cut him out of my life or anything, but I most certainly will be decreasing our communication. It's just not healthy considering he's my ex. I think I needed this trip to get the closure I so often crave and to really just get him out of my system. So now I can wash my hands and move on, knowing that I learned something about myself and what I need and want.

Going back is never easy, but somehow you always learn something.

in which i see TG.

Yes, I consented to go out with him because I got less mad and decided it was the right, proper, and mature thing to do. So we went out to this cute little speakeasy. He was dressed pretty nicely, especially considering that he hates dressing up. He had on a cute jacket and he looked good - hair cut, shaved, all that. I wore one of my favorite casual, yet cleavage-baring dresses. We met up outside and it was kind of awkward. I was a little unsure of how it would be. He told me I looked nice, we had some awkward small-talk and then went in. After we got settled, things were fine. We chatted about life and stuff. It was a little awkward with seating, cuz the place is a cramped, date-ish kind of place, so I wasn't sure if I was allowed to have my knee touch his or whatever, but we dealt with it.

Then we started getting a little couply and kind of touchy-feely. He started playing with my hair and poking me and then he put his hand over mine and kind of massaged it. We were doing that thing where we play with each other's hands (I think I wrote an entry about how much I love his hands. I don't know why) - which is something we used to do when we were in bed together. It was kind of intense. We left the place and went walking - arm in arm for a bit - and he helped me find a bathroom and then took me out to eat greasy drunk food. It was just weird because it was clear that we both wanted to get it on, but that we were holding back. Just so much affection it was sick. He wants to see me again tonight. But I don't know. I still have to give him something of his that I have, so maybe. 

He talked about her - even gave her a name, although I knew who she was because I'm a facebook stalker extraordinaire. He doesn't seem that into her, but who knows how he really feels or if he was just sparing my feelings. But the way he was treating me made it seem like he wasn't that into her at all. Weirdness.

When I got home, we talked online about how much we want to hook up and how it's difficult cuz of his situation. He said there was a moment he wanted to just take me home like normal, but obvs the moment passed. Sighhhh. I hate/love this stuff. It's so dramatic.

well it wouldn't be california if...

... there wasn't drama. So basically, I was pretty much uninvited to stay at TG's. Naturally, because I am a volatile and emotional individual, this completely pissed me off and made me want to break every bone in his body. I IMmed him in the morning because I really wanted to know what the deal was with me staying there. I basically told him that his relationship or whatever with this chick was his business and that I'd do whatever he wanted me to do. He said "it would be better for the situation if you found somewhere else to stay... but I mean, if you have to, you can stay here." Well, that's inviting and welcoming. Basically he did a complete 180 from what he had told me before and I was not happy. So I told him "whatever, I'll just stay with someone else." So now I'm staying with MB, which is nice and I'm happy about it, but for the whole day I couldn't stop thinking about this stupid boy and all the times he's completely dicked me over without any warning.

I just wish that he would've said something sooner. I mean, this girl didn't just pop up out of nowhere - he met her before me! And has been hanging out with her for a while. He could've said back when I planned this little trip - look, my situation is shady right now, I'm not sure if you'll be able to stay here. Then I could've managed my expectations properly and gone from there. But no, I had to hear that shit when I stepped off the plane. That, combined with all of the other things he's done to me has made me realize that he's not a good person. And, well, that stings. To know that you wasted 7 months on someone who doesn't have the most basic respect for you. I feel like a fool. I am a fool. And I hate it because I always pride myself on not getting attached, but yet, I had to be attached in some way for this to effect me so much.

I spent all of yesterday deciding if I want to see or speak to him again. Based on the advice of friends and on my own general curiosity, I'm going to keep our reservations for drinks tomorrow night, but I still haven't decided how I'm going to handle our little encounter. I'm going to try not to be a bitch, but I can't guarantee that I'll be that mature. I just don't know. I hate dealing with petty bullcrap like this. I may be boring in New York, but at least I'm not going to pieces emotionally every 10 seconds. On the bright side, maybe I can get some good writing material out of this. Sigh...

fuck fuck fuck!

Okay, so I've been insanely excited about coming to CA for three reasons. One - to see my friends, two - to go back to the CA office which I miss dearly, and three - to get laid. Yeah, I said it. And now, the third reason has been shot straight to hell. So I had a feeling something was up with TG cuz he's been kind of distant lately and whenever I try and talk about sex I get rebuffed. So today I ask him about coming and staying in my hotel room, right? And he gives me some bullshit "I'm tired" excuse. Prior to that I'd also seen these facebook photos that this chick had posted of him. So of course, today when I get in, he says we need to talk and he calls me. I mean, we didn't really need to talk - I kind of knew what was up. I assumed he'd found someone else and that was that. 

So he tells me he met this girl before me, they dated, nothing happened. Then he met me, we dated for 7 months, pretty much exclusively. He would still see this girl every now and then, but total platonic. They started dating again after I left the picture. Apparently yesterday she talked to him and said that she wanted to be in a relationship. Now they're not in one as of yet, because he's confused or whatever, but I think the bottom line is that we can't hook up. I'm not pissed at him - I mean, we're both free agents, I wasn't expecting him to wear a chastity belt. We're not together or anything. I'm just pissed at the situation and I really have no idea what to do. He says I can still stay with him and that he wants to see me. We can still sleep in the same bed, cuddle if I want, but I think he was saying that that's all that can be. I don't know. He wasn't being very clear about the rules and I thought it would be dick of me to be like - so can we do x, y, or z? So I didn't ask.

I know myself. Contrary to whatever I may say, I really do have some serious moral issues with fucking with somebody else's man. Not that they're together technically, but I don't want to put him in a weird position nor do I want to do something that goes against my moral code. I'm afraid that if I stay with him I'll be trying to get him to put the moves on me, which is unhealthy and horrid and not the kind of woman I want to be. But I also don't want to not see him, because I know that that would be tacky. I know that I say that I only was really doing it for the sex, and I think that's true for 95% of it, but regardless, nobody - male nor female - wants to be treated like all they're good for is sex. That's not right and it's not good. 

I will admit, this is going to put a little bit of a damper on the trip, only because I was so close to finally having some sort of physical contact with someone. But at the same time, I know that this is not the man for me, that we're not meant for each other and that I was just screwing around. Maybe this is the "time to get serious" wake-up call that I need to get me off of my ass and actually looking for someone respectable to date - someone I can get along with, have fun with, and connect with in a meaningful way.

I'll say one thing - it sucks to be in this position, but I think so far, I've been pretty mature about it. I will admit, though, that I did get a snide smirk of satisfaction on my face to hear that the sex was better with me. Well - we wouldn't want to be too mature about it, now would we? Haha.

headed back to san francisco.

Don't worry. Just for the week. It's going to be so weird to be back. I'm excited, but it's like Jama said - I'll be re-living a whole year of my life in one week's time. There's so many things I miss about SF, mostly people, but also the fact that it was a place that was entirely my own. An experience not really shared with anyone. My parents weren't a part of it, my high school friends weren't a part of it - it was something new and different, an experience I created, a life I made for myself. I like that about the city.

I miss strolling down the streets of SoMa on Sunday mornings, headed out to Starbucks to write and dream and think. I miss the unfamiliarity of the little nooks and crannies. And Good Lord do I miss the weather. That climate agreed with me like nobody's business. But in the end, it wasn't for me. At least not for right now. Something told me that I needed to be in New York and so to New York I returned. It hasn't been smooth sailing since I moved in June, but it has been a wonderful experience in which I've never felt more alive and ready to start something new and different, yet more permanent. I don't know if I'll return to SF one day or if New York will be my final home, but I'm glad I got to experience true change at least once in my life. Getting out of the Northeast, entering the tech world, living somewhere where I had very few ties. It was a learning experience that was very valuable to me.

And so, for the next week, I intend to eat amazing food, drink far too many expensive drinks, hang out with all the people that helped make SF fun for me, and hopefully, God willing, break the reign of celibacy that's recently taken ahold of my life. Here's to a fun weekend in the Bay!

lovely nyc weekend!

I am loving living in Manhattan. Really, I am. I've been thinking lately - go ahead, make jokes... done? - okay... I was just thinking that I spent 9 months in California and I managed to make a life out of almost nothing. Now I'm back in New York, a place where I have so many roots, where tons of people from my alma mater live, and where a bunch of my close high school friends reside. With all of that, I should be able to do the same or better here in New York. I just have to make it work.

I spent today taking an LSAT diagnostic! I improved by 7 points. It's not where I want to be, but it's nice to know that I'm doing better slowly but surely. Here's hoping to another 7 point jump! I'll be at my goal in no time! After that I went to a picnic with Jama in New Jersey. It was so much fun. I loved hanging around outside, meeting some new folks, and just relaxing. After that I ran home to change and ran back out with meet Slind and Jama for Mexican food in Midtown. I love chilling with those two - it's always nice to be with people who've known you for what seems like forever.

I'm in such a mature and happy mood that I am going to forgo bitching about something a friend said about me. =)

Note that I am not mature enough not to mention it. But we'll save the bitching for later. Haha

well that was ridiculous.

So last night Slind flaked on me for the Law School Happy Hour thing, so I ended up going to Starbeezies and studying for the LSAT before meeting up with my mock trial friend, who I'll call Tall, because he's - well - tall. So anyway, I was expecting a quick happy hour and then back to the house to do some productive shiz. Well, you know what they say - the best laid plans...

So, 5 hours, 4 meals, 12(?) drinks, 3 desserts, and a total of around $180 dollars later, I cabbed it back to my apartment and fell asleep in a drunken haze. As ridiculous as that was it was a ton of fun and pretty much exactly what I needed. I've been so damn boring lately - I need to work on that. Of course, whenever I get drunk I talk wayyyy too much, so god only knows what kinds of embarrassing crap came out of my mouth. Oh, well, whatevs!

This morning I came into work late, which was so nice. I love sleeping in. I should try it more often. I was planning on staying late and then going to this happy hour, but I just slipped and fell in a puddle of something and now all I want to do is go home and change. So we'll see if I make it out tonight. If not, I plan on either seeing Tropic Thunder with the roomie and her friends or maybe heading to Starbucks to do more LSAT studying. We have our diagnostic tomorrow so nothing too wild and crazy for tonight! 

Okay, back to work...

it's 3:45 am

and I'm totally awake. I don't know what happened, but I came home intending to take a nap and ended up waking up at 1 AM! I slept for like 8 hours. The shit was ridick! I missed LSAT class and pretty much the whole evening. I guess I was just really fucking tired. My phone kept ringing so I ended up just shutting it off and yeah... here I am, with a full night's sleep behind me wondering just how badly I've fucked up my sleep schedule for the week. Sigh.

Well tomorrow is an off day - it's the company picnic, so I wasn't planning on going in. I do have something I probably should do, though, so I might go in for 45 min or so. Planning on accompanying Slind to a Law School Happy Hour - I mean, why miss out on an opportunity to mingle with future lawyers ;)

Then I'm headed out to another Happy Hour with a former Mock Trialer. And then home! Hopefully to study for the LSAT and get my shit in order. I should also start packing for CA. I'm super excited - I already made reservations for me and TG to go to this speakeasy that I absolutely LOVE.

Okay, time for more productivity. I might watch a movie and do laundry - haha.

painful.

Ugh, yesterday I had such a painful reminder of how much I miss having theatre and art in my life. The company I work for is pretty effing amazing and they held a talk with some of the cast members of the Hair revival that's being performed this summer in the park. Along with the actors were the director and producer as well as the original writer of the musical. It was simply amazing. We saw some clips of the show and heard about how the play was conceived and how certain events shaped certain scenes in the play. 

Hair is one of my all-time favorite musicals. I'll admit that the plot is kind of crazy and jumbled and confusing at times, but the music, oh my God, the music. And the spirit of the show is just magnificent. One of the biggest regrets I have about college was that I did not work on that show when we produced it. The energy just seemed so infectious. But, I digress. Watching the actors and actresses sitting up there fielding our questions made me so nostalgic. They were so bouncy and excited and loud - full of life and emotion. Sometimes at work I feel so dead inside, in a way that I never felt when I was working on a show. Yes, being a stage manager was hellish at times, and yes, there were moments when actors got on my last damn nerve, but the emotion and the feeling of being part of something bigger, facilitating the creation of art - I loved that feeling and I miss it.

Sometimes I wonder if I sold out, went down the wrong path. Granted, I am young enough to change that, but still. I love angst and drama and feeling and emotion. Theatre is packed with those things in a way the corporate world isn't. I come in, do my job, and go home. I don't really put any of myself into any of it. I just do it the best I can and call it a day. I want something that's going to make me feel. I want more. I always want more.

it's been a long time...

... since I've had a feminist rant post. So here goes.

I just read this article: Olympic Ceremony Star Mimed

The basic rundown of the article is this. There's this little girl, nine years old, who has gained some recognition for singing at the opening ceremony of the Olympic games. However, the little girl who appeared is not the girl who's actual voice was used. That girl, aged seven, was deemed less pretty than the first girl and so she couldn't appear during the performance. They wanted the "flawless" girl.

This kind of thing makes me so sick. What kind of self-image is this little girl going to grow up with? And it's not only harmful to her, but also to the girl who was out there representing her country. I feel like society tells us that the only way to have any worth or value in society as a woman is to be pretty. Being intelligent, talented or clever doesn't matter - only the pretty girls get seen while the rest of womankind is stuck in supporting roles. It also teaches the so-called "pretty girls" that that's all they have to offer the world. That if you're pretty it doesn't matter if you're mean, stupid, or lack drive. You can just get by on looks alone. To take it a step further, it seems to me that when it comes to women, people only see looks. I know tons of smart, beautiful women that have struggled to have men take them seriously because of their looks. It's a lose-lose for everyone. You're pretty much stuck with two lots in life - being pretty and undervalued or being ugly and hidden away.

It's hard being a woman sometimes. So much of who you are is tied into how you look - what clothes you wear, how you do your hair, what size dress you wear. And it sucks. Plain and simple. If only the world were fair, and then maybe men would know what it's like to have all of your value tied up in your looks.

back to CA.

On Sunday, I'm headed back to San Francisco for a week for work and I am really excited. I cannot wait to see people and I'm really looking forward to being in the CA office. I'm not going to lie, I miss the office like crazy. All of those cafes for lunch! All that food! It's going to be fabulous. I cannot wait. And I'll get to see my old co-workers, whom I love dearly. Cannot wait to reunite with my old officemate. It's been so long.

And I get to see my friends for a week and just chill out and have an amazing time! It doesn't even feel like work (although I'll be working). It just feels like a huge vacation for me. A much-needed one. I need to get out.

I also will get to see Tech Guy again, which is exciting seeing as how I haven't gotten any in like 3 months. I'm staying with him for a couple of days, so that'll be good. We can do movies like we used to and hang out a bit. Supposedly he's really excited that I'm coming back for a week. He told me I can stay for as long as I like with him, but I think 2 days should be enough. Wouldn't want to impose too much.

God, it's so weird to be going back to that world, even for just a week. I hope it's a good time, but I'm sure it will be!

so many thoughts... swimming.

There are so many things in my head right now. Thoughts about writing, men, love, sex, feminism, change, breaking boundaries. However, I know I have to silence them. There's a time for thinking (and the good Lord knows that I'm all about thinking) and then there are the times when you realize that action is required. That mere thoughts aren't enough and that you need to do something to further at least one of those thoughts that bubble around you. And so, I've decided to table thinking about things that aren't pressing right now and instead focus on the three things that matter the most to me at the moment. The LSAT, losing weight, and navigating my way around this new city I call home.

Yes, I want to read a million books. Yes, I want to focus on my love life. Yes, I want to write the next Bell Jar, but now is not the time for that. Now is the time to crack down, take a good look at myself and realize that for the next two months, my life should be dedicated to the pursuit of a law degree, a better body, and comfort with my surroundings. I have no intention of giving up my social life, but I need to stop spending so much time dicking around. This is it. It's time to get serious. I used to be so motivated and so now I have to tap into that part of myself that still remembers being young and caring enough about something to make it a priority.

movies and men.

I just saw Pineapple Express and absolutely loved it - I would recommend it. I love stoner movies - they crack me up! And James Franco was amazing. I never picture him in comic roles, but he was stellar.

It was nice to just have a chill night - no crazy drinking, no wild dancing, just movie with Bestie #1 - omglol, I'm laughing at that. And I love the 14 bus. I swear, we're going to get so close during my time in the East Village. Loves it.

I also forgot to mention that The Man and I are officially over. We discussed the lack of real chemistry on our first date and agreed it's wise not to pursue it any further. I'm relieved that we both felt it and were mature enough to admit that we wanted nothing more. I'll say one thing for older guys- they certainly seem to know how to express their feelings in a mature, sensible way. I like that. But, I think I'll be sticking to men my own age from now on. Well, unless we're talking meaningless sex. Then, I think they're fair game. =)

...and she's buying a stairway to heaven.

That song just randomly came up on my iPod. It made me think of my childhood and CTY (aka nerd camp). Basically it was this academic bootcamp where you took a class at a college for 3 weeks. There were a bunch of songs that all CTYers had to know and Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven was one of them. I love how music takes me back.

Speaking of going back, the other day I found out that one of my roommate's good friends is a girl I was practically best friends with in childhood. We went to the same day camp and always requested to be in each other's groups. I even went to her sister's bat mitzvah. It was so shocking to see her in my apartment. It brought back so many memories.

I miss those things. As I move forward, I can't help but look backward and remember parts of my childhood. Of course, not all of the memories are good, but it's still nice to remember all that misplaced angst. I kind of wonder what's going to become of me. I've been so many different people in my 22 years on this earth. I wonder what's next.

hitting a wall.

I forgot how hard it is to move. It can be quite daunting and lonely at times. I'm starting to feel some of that now. I was talking on the phone with College BFF today, which always makes me sad because I miss her so much. I miss all of my girls. That's the one thing that I don't have here that I miss. I mean, I'm oh so happy and grateful that several of my best friends in life live here, but it's hard sometimes to not have that all-girl vibe. Being in a sorority got me used to certain kinds of interactions and I do not get those where I am now. Most of my female friends here are in relationships, and as awesome as that is for them, there comes a time when you want to go out with someone that has no rules or boundaries. I miss my circle at school - we had a blast with each other and it was fun to go out, check out men, go home with them, flirt, be scandalous. I need that in my life right now and I'm not really sure how to get it. To top it off, my team at work is all older than me. I'm the youngest by a good four years and that makes a difference. You're in a different stage of life, with different priorities and goals.

Maybe it all stems from the fact that I'm just not ready to grow up right now. I hate to say it and it's scary to admit, but I'm not. I felt like for me, college only began when I joined the sorority, so I'm down two years and I want to continue to live that lifestyle, which just doesn't exist out here. I am a party girl at heart. I love drinking myself half to death, dancing on top of platforms, being wildly inappropriate with men whose names I'll never learn. This is who I am. I know I'm more than that. I can also be deadly serious, hardworking, a perfectionist, and a recluse. I'm just not ready to be the latter person all of the time. I want to be wild and free (yes, that's an incredibly corny cliche, I don't care. Whatever).

I think I just want everything. I want to be with someone, but not too with them, ya know? I want my space. I want to get shitfaced on the weekends yet stay focused and driven on the weekdays. I want to be all things to all people, including myself.

If anyone out there knows how to do this, you let me know.

moving is hard work!

We're still not completely moved into the apartment, which sucks. I'm still living out of boxes (for clothes, at least) and we haven't assembled the kitchen table or anything yet. There's just so much to do and so little time - including getting some cable TV cuz I hate not being able to fall asleep to the television.

It's also time to start reevaluating the social scene and figuring out what I want to do and who I want to do it with. So that's something. I also need to get in LSAT gear. I've just decided that I have to block off at least 2 hours of every day (no excuses) to dedicate to LSAT practice. And then when it gets closer to the day, I'm just going to eat, sleep, and breathe LSAT stuff. That's the only way to do it.

Today's plans include getting a cable appointment, creating an LSAT study schedule, signing up for the gym, and unpacking those damn boxes. Hopefully I can get through it all!

first workday in the city.

So yeah, today I went to work and it only took 25 minutes. Thank the Lord! Who knows? It might even be quicker on the bus. I'm going to try that route out tomorrow, but it was too nice this morning not to walk. I got in around 8 am, so that means I get to peace out early and look into gym memberships and buy a shower cap and all those last minute errands. I should also probably figure out what I'm going to do for dinner, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Everything's been going well so far. I've just been busy beyond words. Hopefully by this weekend everything is a bit less stressful. Moving takes so much out of you and there's so much to be done!

KK - back to work!

okay. so. i am finally in manhattan!

Yay! Sorry for the lack of updates, but moving has been insane and our internet connection isn't set up yet, so I'm still mooching off of internet which usually ends up being spotty. So yeah, I moved. I'm in my new apartment in the East Village and I *love* it. My room is snazzy (or it will be when I pick up a bit) - maybe I'll post pics sometime in the future. I love my roommates - they're awesomely fun and we hung out last night and had an excellent time. We call our apartment the United Colors of Benetton House since we have one Asian, one Caucasian, and one Blacktina. Gotta love it.

Anyway. Date update. So I went out with the Man yesterday (haha - that's what Jama and I call him) and I was pleasantly surprised. He looked just like he said he would and he had a full head of hair. He's a little shorter than me (but I knew this) and kind of has a slight frame - not super-skinny or anything, but not jacked. He was nice, sweet, paid for everything and we had really solid conversation. Don't know if there were any sparks or anything, but I'd be willing to go out again although I wouldn't actively pursue it. I felt comfortable with him and it was non-skeevy. Awesome. So I guess no dramz yet. We'll see if anything happens. Sorry it was so dull, but there was honestly nothing crazy or insane to report.

Happy weekend!