... but I totally almost burned my apartment complex down last night. Or more correctly, my vibrator almost burned my apartment complex down last night. I have no idea how it happened - it hadn't even been on very long - maybe a couple of minutes, but all of a sudden I smelled smoke. I sniffed the air a bit and was like - oh maybe that's from outside. So I go about my business when all of a sudden I see smoke tendrils and I look at the remote controller and it's smoking! So I freak the fuck out (while trying not to be loud because, um, hi - I haven't lived with my roomies too long and don't want to freak them out). Anyway, I turn it off, wait for the smoke to clear, and then wrap it in a towel and put it in a drawer.
So now I'm deathly afraid to use it. I mean, I can read the headline now - Apartment Complex Razed to the Ground: Single Girl and Sex Toy to Blame.
So, as much as I'd love to dwell on all the things that are wrong with me and my life, I simply do not have time for that shit. I have a test to prepare for and there's a part of me that thinks if I do that, I'll forget about shit at least for the week. I came up with a schedule for today and the rest of the week, and I'll be going to Long Island on Wednesday to study and stay with my parents. I'll have the whole house to myself while they're at school/work.
I don't really have anything to say. I'm just sort of taking it one day at a time, figuring shit out. I've felt worse than this before and come out on top, I'm sure that's what'll happen now. It just takes time, ya know?
Lately, I've been freaking out a bit about everything - life, men, my future, my friendships, all of it. I'm starting to fear for my sanity - I feel oddly depressed sometimes and I don't know what to do with myself. I just have so many thoughts swirling around. Going home was nice because I got to get away from everything in Manhattan - from feeling like I've failed at life and I have no one and nothing. Sometimes I feel numb and sometimes I have that sinking feeling in my stomach, but either way it's unpleasant.
Sylvia Plath described her depression as a feeling of being trapped under a bell jar, struggling for breath. I've never really felt that way. For me, it's like being on the beach. The sun is shining, people are playing and you can see everyone having a good time and frolicing. But, you're stuck in the water, just watching. You can't move - you can't go forward or backward - you're stuck. And you can see this wave coming - you know it's approaching and you're watching it. And then it envelopes you and you're swept away under the current. And then it passes and you've been deposited somewhere else - away from where you were before. You can either go frolic and play while you wait for the next wave, but the point is that the next wave will always come. It's inevitable. It may take 5 months, it may take 5 minutes - but it's coming and all you can do is wait for it. Better to be prepared than caught off guard.
If you read my feeds, you may be seeing some funky stuff happening on the blog. I'm toying around with what I want to do with it. I kind of want to release my blog to the public, but I'm not sure if that's wise - I mean, can you imagine TG reading all I've written about him? I'm just not sure if it's a good idea to release this into the open - if I should scrub it first, but if I scrub it, I miss out on some genuinely great entries and feelings that I'd like out there. But I also don't want to hurt anyone. I don't know what to do. Any ideas? I thought about taking out certain entries, but that seems silly as well. There is always the option of removing the labels - I mean, is someone really going to sit and read my whole blog from top to bottom? But if I take away the anonymity of it then will I lose my voice or my honesty? I honestly don't know. Grrr. Someone tell me what to do?
I'm going to talk about boys instead. Right now my life is pretty much - wake up, shower, walk to work, work, stay late at work studying for the LSAT, walk home, watch one tivo'd ep of Gilmore Girls, bed, and repeat. In other words, I have no life. So boy updates are necessary because I need to think of something that isn't logic games or reasoning questions.
Right now three men are giving me something to think about that isn't the LSAT.
New Jersey is still in the mix. I don't know why. HONESTLY. It's like this boy wants to talk to me but will not commit to meeting me. I'm thinking of offering him sexual favors just so I can lay eyes on him. We talked last night, and on the advice of my friends, I tried to make it concrete that I was asking him out, but I got shot down. Well, kinda. He started off the convo saying he thought he was getting a cold. Then we talked some more until I said something and he was like "Oh, I'll have to remember that when we hang out." Which was my in! Haha - so I took it and then he was like "Yeah, we'll go out when I'm not hacking and coughing non-stop." UGH. Shot down. HAHA. But we're still chatting and getting to know each other and I think sexually we'd be a perfect match. Example: I asked him if he was one of those guys who falls asleep after sex. His response - After sex, I like to have sex again. Ding ding! We have a winner! I couldn't have expressed that better myself. So we'll see. He's on the back burner for now.
And, there's Columbia. He's a Columbia Law student (a 2L - sexy). He seems really cultured and wonderful and into history and architecture and food. He's just ridiculously well-mannered and sweet. Which gives me pause. Because I'm crazy. And I don't know if he could keep up with my preferred lifestyle of tons of drinks, tons of dancing, and lots of sex. But, I feel like we'd be really compatible in a lot of ways, so I'm not going to give that one up.
Last guy is the Construction Worker. He makes my blood boil. He's super hot, Latino, sexy smile, and he checks me out like nobody's business in the morning. At first, I thought it was in my head, but now he says Good Morning to me every day and I just want to rip his clothes off. Although, I'm not sure how to go about it because it's hard to actually talk since there's usually other guys around or other people walking and it's awkward. I need to find a way to tell him that I want him to... well, I'll just keep that to myself. Any suggestions?
I am twenty-three years old. Can you believe it? Twenty-three! That's like practically mid-twenties. I'm freaking out! I cannot believe how long I've been alive and how many things have happened to me in that time. From bastard child to golden child to painfully shy adolescent to bad girl to geek to theatre chick to sorostitute to party girl, I feel like I've been so many different things. I AM so many different things. I am constantly amazed at how much change and reinvention is possible in such a short span of time.
In the words of Talib Kweli, "life is a beautiful struggle." I've never really found another phrase that describes my time on earth thus far. It's been good and bad and all things in-between, but it was always beautiful.
This year was insane for me. This time last year, I was one-month into my life in California, I had no idea what the hell I was doing. My job was confusing, my life was confusing, I didn't know who my friends were or how I was going to live in this alien place. I started dating hardcore - going out every weekend with one, two, three guys. I'd never dated like that ever. I met a boy who, for better or for worse, changed me - challenged me, forced me to admit things to myself that I didn't want to admit. For once I was sleeping with someone that I actually cared about, allowing myself to get close to someone for the first time. It wasn't perfect and mistakes were made, but it was the closest thing to a real relationship that I'd ever had. Attention must be paid.
I carved a life for myself - a life of Tuesday night drinks with my friends, Thursday night movie nights, Fridays spent hanging in the Mission with one of my best friends, Saturdays eating biscuits with MB, keeping Sunday as my one day to myself. I explored San Francisco - found neighborhoods, restaurants, bookstores that I liked. I laughed, I cried, I swore up and down, I felt things. Amazing things. Things I'd never felt before.
I got sick. I almost died. I spent the end of my vacation in DC in a hospital gown, in extreme pain, as two of the best friends I've ever had tried to get me through it. I went home to my parents where I cried every night thinking of my mortality. I prayed to God, the universe, and anyone I could think of to keep me alive and whole. And that sparked something in me. A desire for happiness that I'd never really known. For most of my life, I'd just plodded through, but for the first time in my life I knew that I could die tomorrow and I did not want to die with the way things were.
I moved. It took a lot of work and a lot of convincing - assuring myself that I wasn't a failure, but that I was doing something for my happiness, something that would make my life better in the long run. I came home. I fought with my mother over apartments and life decisions and her role in my life. I thought I would never talk to her in the same way again, but I got over it. I moved on. I forgave. And here I am today, 23 years old, living in the best city - my favorite city - working in a good job, studying to take the test that will put me on the path to being what I've wanted to be for so long. I'm still growing, still learning, still changing, still discovering new facets of my personality.
You've come a long way, baby, but you've still got a ways to go. I'm looking forward to it =)
Seriously. I do. But after a big Italian dinner and two pretty stiff drinks, I don't think I can give it to you tonight. Work was long today. Sure, I got up late, but I also stayed super late and did a fuck ton of work. Today was a royal nightmare. I need sleep like you wouldn't believe. Also pissed that my tivo didn't record Gossip Girl.
On the bright side, this was an awesome 23rd birthday. (Shit, I'm 23!) My co-workers got me cupcakes, sang me a song. My roommates and Jama took me out to dinner and my roomie bought me flowers. It was simply amazing. I got tons of calls and texts and facebook messages from friends and it made me feel loved. I've been feeling hopelessly alone for a little bit now. The lack of sex and lack of prospects has been killing me, so it was nice to know that at least I have friends. That's always a benefit. I wish I could just enjoy my life as is, but lately it's been getting to the point where I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. It's depressing. I'm depressing. Jesus. This is not the tone this entry is supposed to have.
ANYWAY. I'm going to go to sleep right now because that's what I need. Up early tomorrow!
My mother always says that to me, usually scornfully, as I'm packing 6 hours before I have to leave or doing laundry right up until the minute I'm supposed to be going out. So that's what it's gonna be like for this party. EEP!
I have a fuckton of shit to get done AND I don't have an outfit, which I'm pretty worried about. I feel like a trip to White House, Black Market should do the trick, but ya never know. I just don't wanna wear something I've already worn before, even though I doubt anyone would know since most of my shit is from San Francisco. I also need hair/nails/feet/brows done, so I might duck out around noon to go take care of that. Good Lord - I'm a hot mess. PLUS I need to study. And buy liquor and do all of those things you have to do before a party. The next two days are going to suckkk. Hopefully I can run on adrenaline during the party.
This is so not good. In the past 3 weeks, I've become completely and totally overrun with boy mania. I cannot stop thinking about men. It's like any man I meet in the street automatically becomes a part of the fantasy rotation (umm, not THAT fantasy rotation, I just mean the general - wouldn't-he-be-fun-to-date rotation). Right now I think there's like 6 guys on my mind. It got upped this morning when the cute construction worker who always checks me out FINALLY said good morning to me. He's super cute, Hispanic, with these amazing locks of curly hair. He kind of reminds me of Jim Caviezel. Anyway, he's hot and yet another reason to walk to work every day. Maybe he'll have more to say tomorrow.
Talked to New Jersey briefly yesterday, we have plans to make plans - which is better than nothing, I suppose. He tells me he gives amazing backrubs. I could really use one right about now. Although, I'm going to try really hard not to let anything happen when we go out. This will be hard considering I find him to be very attractive and also because he's aggressive and I like that in a man. He also loves to go drinking, which, as you know, is a recipe for disaster for me. But, we'll see how it goes. Part of me is looking for something real, but then another part of me is fine if this just stays physical.
Anyway, I'm hyped about boys and I'm hyped about my birthday party. Cannot wait!
Have you ever met someone who reminded you of yourself in a really good way? Well, I think I've found that. I've been talking to this guy and things have been kind of lukewarm, I guess. I mean, I was interested in him, but a little unsure about it because the conversation was just kind of generic. We'd e-mail back and forth - me in the evenings, him in the mornings, and it was okay. He fits all my weird criteria - he's a grad student, intelligent, sarcastic, cynical, witty. However, I wasn't really sure if it would work because the convo seemed to be lacking that certain something.
Well, that was totally taken care of last night. After 3 hours of some of the most intense discussion I've had in a long time, I fully believe we have chemistry. How far it'll go, I have no idea, but I'm more than willing to give it a try. I like that he speaks his mind and isn't afraid to say what's on it. He doesn't sugarcoat shit, he's slightly vulgar, and he made me laugh so hard I almost choked. All extremely positive things. We also got the sex thing out of the way, which is SO important to me. I am an extremely sexual person. To the point that it sucks because when a woman is that hypersexual, men tend to think she's easy, and I'm not. But with this one - who I'll call New Jersey cuz he lives there (there had to be one downside... haha) - it's not like that. I established to him that I'm pretty open about my sexuality, but I'm not a whore. He told me that it's refreshing to meet a woman who is open about those things, but is also discerning about who she sleeps with. Swoon. So yeah, I'm incredibly happy this morning after all of that discussion and I'm looking forward to our first date, which is yet to be determined since we both have busy schedules. I really love men who have busy schedules. Nothing is hotter than a man with his own life. Well, maybe a woman with her own life ;)
How is this month almost halfway over already? Seriously?! It's so strange. I still can't fathom that I've been out of school for a year. I've realized that I really miss being in school. I miss learning and reading for pleasure and feeling like I'm doing something important and worthwhile. This morning, as I took my usual walk to work, I actually thought about becoming a professor for a hot second. That went away pretty quickly, but for just a little bit, I thought that it could be really interesting to do that kind of work. Having summers off, time to read and research - it sounds nice. And yet, I know that this is not the right path for me at all.
I've been thinking a lot about work and a career and what that means to me. I have a job right now, but not a career. I can't do what I'm doing now for the long-term. It just wouldn't work. I'm not sure what I do want to do for the long-term, though. I know law is a passion of mine, and I've been working hard to make that a reality for me. But I also know that I'd like to look into other things. What? I don't know. But I'm hoping to figure out.
I'm bored this morning - sitting around doing my laundry (btw, our laundry room is ridick right now! there's like 5 people in there staking out machines), so I figured I'd rant a little bit since I have nothing of substance to say.
(1) PLEASE tell me why there is a LINE at Trader Joe's to get in. A mothereffing line. You'd think it was for some hot new club or something. That shit is absolutely ridiculous. Then when the "bouncer" lets you in - you can't move cuz there's a line snaked around the store and they are out of almost everything. Grocery shopping in New York City is crazy.
(2) I cannot seem to stay awake. I fell asleep last night at 10 pm. It was awful. I was supposed to do laundry and a movie with my roommate and instead I just conked out.
(3) I'm turning 23 in 8 days. Holy fuck! I'm getting to be olllld. Gah!
(4) I want October 5th to come so I can finally be done with the LSAT and I can actually do some real living. I want to start doing some theatre shit and I'd really like to start reading for pleasure again. I feel too guilty now to do that. Everytime I go to read, I smack myself and do another logic game.
Sigh. I need to get moving. I'd like to have my errands done before Senior Year Roommate gets here! Wee!
My birthday is Monday the 22nd and I've decided that we need to have a party on Saturday the 20th to celebrate. I cannot wait. For a while I was lukewarm on it, but now that I know that my roomie is on-board I'm even more excited. It's going to be fucking amazing. Lots of booze, lots of friends, music, just a really good time. I have to start figuring out my invite list and getting shit ready.
This will give me something to take my mind off things and give me a chance to party like I'm back at school. I better start getting ready now - it's going to be a shitshow.
In other news, Senior Year Roomie comes tomorrow and I'm excited! I haven't seen her in a while and it'll be fun to explore the city and go out and be with someone who knows me well. Yay!
Okay, I need to get back to my schedule of watching too much TV and reading too many magazines.
I e-mailed him and pretty much told him everything that was up. How I feel, how I felt, and how I needed some serious space in my life so I could move on with things. He understood and told me that he'll lay off. He also told me that I'm still important to him and that he'll be there for me as a friend whenever I need it.
I'm glad we settled that. Now I just have to move on.
He mailed me a card! A card! Not a birthday card or a Christmas card, but just this card that said "Drama Queen" on the front and inside it said "You say that like it's a bad thing." and then he wrote something like - "rock NYC. it was good to see you in SF." That was it. UGH. So after talking it over with several of my friends, I've decided to say something to him.
I'm a very superstitious person. I'm a person who believes a lot in gestures and symbols and signs. When I last visited San Francisco, it was really hard for me. It felt like I wasn't able to move on in NYC because I hadn't left SF behind. I had left some shit in my old apartment and I had something of TG's that I'd given to MB to hold and it was like I had all of this unfinished business to attend to. So I shipped my shit to my parents' house and I gave him his screwdriver back and that made me feel like I had symbolically gotten rid of all of my ties to SF and that I was free to create this new life in NYC. Granted, this isn't entirely true - there are people I care dearly about in SF and I know that no matter how much you "move on," a piece of you always remains wherever you resided.
But now, I feel like he's preventing me from moving on. Lately he's been e-mailing me on a daily basis, IMs as well, and then that card. There's a part of me that thinks he's just being nice and then there's a part of me that wonders if he's not trying to sabotage my happiness in some way. I mean, maybe he just doesn't know - I do aloof and uncaring like nobody's business - so he might legitimately think that I just don't give a shit about him. If so, he's totally mistaken, and I need to correct that. If he knows and he's being an ass, then he needs to be called out. Yesterday he asked me what movie he should see. And then today on his tumblr, he had some post that was like "see - you're not the only one I make fun of" and underneath it was a conversation with his girlfriend!!! I'm like - what are you trying to get out of me? Are you trying to upset me? I think I'm like the only one who reads his tumblr and it just seemed directed at me and it made me want to scream. Because I'm trying. I'm trying so hard and I've been SO good. I haven't IMmed him, haven't called, haven't written on his wall, have even stopped looking at his profile. But no, he keeps bothering me. What does it mean? Why is he doing it? I just want to know where he's coming from because it's difficult for me.
Shru says I should say something to him, which I know I should and after that tumblr post I definitely will. I just don't know if I should do it over the phone (not a fan of this option) or in an email so I can get all my thoughts out (but then i don't get an instant reaction) or via IM (but then I can't get it all out without being interrupted). I think I want to do e-mail and I think I want to do it now. I'll get back to you on what happens. EEK.
I still can't believe seven years has passed since 9/11. I remember last year - being in California, where no one made a peep about the anniversary of an event that changed the world. Now here I am, in New York City, and I still remember what it was like that day - not knowing what was going on, being confused and scared for friends and family. I don't have any profound thoughts or words of wisdom or stories to tell. I just want to make sure that I always remember and that I say a prayer for all those who lost their lives that day, as well as their families, their friends, and our country.
... when he sends me e-mails in the middle of the day to links that he thinks I'll like. I just got the cutest little clip from him of a cute little cat playing with a stuffed animal. He knows how much I like kittens. Honestly, this shit is ridiculous. I only want to remember the bad, not the good. Sigh.
About the LSAT, of course. It's coming oh-so-soon and I've decided that this week is it. This is the last hurrah so to speak. From now on, my weeknights will be full of LSAT prep. I will see no one, speak to no one talk to no one, except on Saturdays and Sundays (and maybe Fridays). It's totally crunch time.
This is what I want. I know this is what I want - I just have to decide how much I'm willing to sacrifice for it. I know that I want to be a lawyer and I know I want to stay in NYC. This means that I have to make it so that I can get into where I want to go and my score is one of the best ways to do that. So 5-6 hours a night should be enough to make that happen.
I had this excellent post in my head about how I woke up this morning with this feeling of clarity and assuredness that I hadn't had in a long time. Except now I'm incredibly tired, totally have cramps, and can barely see straight, much less string together a coherent entry.
Ever feel like a slave to your body? Well, I'm starting to get that feeling.
For the first time in months I woke up after my alarm - not before - and actually slept a whole night through. That is so rare for me. Last night TG IMmed me again to ask me about Gossip Girl. He told me he was going to go watch something on TV and be back in a half-hour to talk some more with me. So I signed offline and went to bed. That felt good. Normally I would wait up for him and bend over backwards to talk to him, but I'm done with that. It feels healthy and good. I like to know what he's up to, but have little to no desire for actual conversation. Sticking with twitter messages only.
I really need to go home and sleep for a bit and then bust my ass on LSAT prep. Maybe I'll try and bounce at 4 pm. That would be nice.
For some reason, this morning all I've been able to think of is the past - my childhood and summer camp and middle school and high school. I was scheduling something for October 3rd and all of a sudden remembered that that was my old best friend from 6th grade's birthday. So strange how you remember those things.
Fall is approaching. I cannot wait. I love fall - always have, always will. My birthday is right around the beginning of fall and I love the chill in the air, the leaves changing. One of the oddest things about San Francisco was the complete lack of concrete seasons. And yet, I miss SF sometimes. Life is so cruel. It forces you to make choices you wish you didn't have to make. It's never cut and dry. I wish it was as simple as good or bad, happy or unhappy. I've been a bit of both in every place I've lived.
I kind of miss being in Silicon Valley. I wish more people here cared about that sort of stuff. It's weird that not a lot of people know what twitter is or tumblr. People don't read Valleywag or know any Valley gossip. Sigh. At least the fall will make it better. I want to bake all of the time. I want to spend time outside. I want to buy a cute fall coat. I want to go pumpkin picking.
I don't know why, but my body cannot seem to sleep for more than 5 hours without spazzing out and waking me up. Today it was at 7:20 am, even though I went to bed around 3 am. Last night I made the journey out to Queens to see Slind. No movie, but we had Chinese food and I got to see her apartment. It was really nice and I was excited to look at her law school syllabi. It reminds me of how much I want to go back to school, how much fun it is to be in school.
For me, one of the hardest parts about "growing up" is not being surrounded by people my age as much. I go to work, where I'm the youngest person on my team and most of the other folks are married, engaged, or seriously dating someone. I am one of two single women, and the other one has a man, it's just not crazy serious yet. I miss being surrounded by like-minded individuals, in the pursuit of a goal. That feeling is nice. Knowing you have that support - I miss it. In the real world, it's been hard to make "new" friends. It's been easy to get closer to acquaintances or keep up old relationships, but very few people in my life are new-new. Most are people I know from work or alum from school. It seems like as a twenty-something, it's hard to change that. I don't know - maybe I'll just give it some more time.
I have been spending a lot of time thinking about my dating life. This thing with TG is making me a woman obsessed, which I don't like. Although, I will say, I can look at his disgusting couple facebook profile pic now without that stomach-dropping feeling. And even his updates on twitter and tumblr. Who knows? If I continue along this path, I may actually be able to stand having his name on my buddy list. But, let's not get too hasty. I guess I am happy for him. This girl was able to give him what I couldn't. I don't know if I couldn't commit because I have issues or if it was because he was so different from me or what, but I couldn't and this chick can and I don't live there anymore so it's really not my business what he does or who he does it with. Of course, if I was actually fucking someone I think all of this would be moot.
Which leaves me with my final thought. I need to get laid. Seriously. I am about ready to kill someone. And don't give me the - "well, there's always a vibrator" speech. Trust me, I'm on that. It's not the act of orgasm that appeals to me now. It's the connection with another human being. The being touched, the discovery of another person's body. That is what I need right now. Connection. Hmm, I hope I'm not veering into desperation territory. The last time I felt this way I ended up hooking up with some random in the Bahamas - which has truly been the only sexual experience that I'm deeply ashamed of. =\ I'll be sure not to repeat that.
I've been thinking about passion more and more lately - how I'm seriously lacking it in my life and what I need to do to get it. College was such an eye-opening experience for me - one of the first times that I came into my own and discovered what I liked doing. Mock trial and theater made me feel so alive and I felt like I had a sense of purpose, something to invigorate me. And now what? I'm doing a job I don't particularly care about, living a life that's devoid of the things that truly make me happy. I guess the financial stability is amazing and I have more money now than I ever have before, I even have money saved up, but in the end is that all there is? Money?
I feel like I have these dueling personas. I have the part of me that wants wealth and all the things that come with it - a ridiculously large house, designer clothing, expensive cocktails. Then there's that other part of me, the free-spirited part, that wants nothing more than to do the things that make me happy regardless of how much it pays or how tired I get doing them. I spend so much time feeling so numb to everything that I long to find something that makes me feel - something, anything, even if it's bad. And for now, what I long to feel is passion, excitement. About a job, about a man, about what I do when I come home, about who I am.
So I think I'm finally getting over things and moving on and feeling better about life in general. Seeing two Broadway shows this week has really lifted my spirits in the oddest way. I feel energized by it and I love it and I'm dedicated to pursuing that connection when I'm done with the LSAT.
All of a sudden cute men are popping up everywhere. I walked to the subway and rode on it with our new neighbor. What is up with me and neighbors? Haha - Anyway, we chatted and had a nice conversation and it was just nice to talk to somebody new. Saw the cutie that teaches my screenwriting class today. It was our last class - really a lot of fun and he complimented my haircut. That's always nice. Writing is another thing that invigorates me. I haven't been reading enough, haven't been writing enough, haven't been having enough deep thoughts. I'm trying to consolidate my desires and most of them seem to deal with entertainment - reading, theatre, television, writing. I want all of that.
I have thought about TG less and less. It sucks cuz the bastard IMmed me last night. It was disconcerting because I removed him from my list so I was shocked to see him ping me. But, whatever. It was a 5 minute convo and then it was over. I've resisted checking his facebook page over and over. Instead I'm thinking about what I want to do with my future and how to get there. I'm looking into dating again, putting myself out there again. It's healthy and it's about time. I need to grow and explore my new environment. That's important to me.
I've calmed down. You know how I am - I love the dramatics and that entry was written pretty much in real time so you got the real raw emotion. That's one thing I love about this blog, about writing in general. Life is so interesting when recorded real-time. Anyway, let me stop analyzing my analysis and just say that after talking to some key people in my life and reading some of the comments, I feel better.
This is life. This is how it is. It sucks sometimes, but it gets better. I've decided that I need change. Radical, dramatic change. I don't know how to get it exactly, or what I want yet, but when I know, I'll make it happen. I can do that, I'm convinced of it.
So I just found out, as I sit in Starbucks working, that TG is officially in a relationship with Miss Do-Gooder (that's what I call her). I don't know why I'm so upset - I was prepared for this, expected it, knew it was coming. But the facebook confirmation was shocking. I guess I figured I would just stop talking to him and never know if he was with someone else. I'm not sure if it bothers me that he got there first or if I actually did/do have feelings for him. I've had some godawful dreams about him lately and we all know that when I dream about men, it's serious. That's when I know I like a man, when he invades my dreams. But that's not the point - the point is, this is what it feels like when someone moves on and you haven't. When your life seems so devastatingly alone and someone else is happy.
Am I happy for him? Honestly? No. I'm not. Because I'm petty like that. I do take comfort in the fact that I have my friends who will be there to help me get over this. I know I'll get over this. I know that he wasn't "The One" for me or anything and there were times when I didn't even like him, but then there were times when I did and I'm so goddamned dramatic that everything feels like it's monumental, even when it's not.
I've never been in a real relationship. He was the closest to it and for seven months of living in SF and the following 3 in NYC we were in almost daily communication. And now that's gone away. I haven't really spoken to him since the shocking revelation in SF - just one IM convo (started by me), one text message (sent by him) and then following each other on Twitter/Tumblr. It just sucks because I get his stupid messages on Twitter and read his stupid Tumblr and we're all Facebook friends and whatnot. It makes me hate this age of technology. It makes it hard to ever disconnect from someone. I mean, to defriend him, unfollow him, block him, remove him from my cell phone - all of those are actions that would go noticed. Whatever happened to the good old days when you could just break up with someone and have them disappear into the ether? I've never gone through this before. It's so hard because I feel so lonely sometimes. I don't have any romantic prospects, I haven't been going out much lately. I'm pretty much alone. As far as my social life, I'm just coming into my own in Manhattan and it hasn't been incredibly easy, what with my best friends busy with law school, med school, and a demanding job.
I think I'm going to have a full-scale panic-attack freakout in about t minus 5 seconds. I keep telling myself to breathe, but it's just odd. I don't know how to describe it or wrap my head around it. It's one of those - well, I don't want to be with him, but I don't want him to be with anyone else until I am - kinda things. Which is lame and selfish. But, I guess I've always known I was selfish. Now I can add lame to the list. Maybe it's because there was that time that I wanted to be in a relationship with him and he turned me down. He didn't want to be with me and made it clear. I mean, granted, it took this girl almost a year to get there (they've known each other that long), but nothing I did managed to make that happen. She won. I mean, I know I was horribly awful to him sometimes, and I pushed him away, and I was guarded and everything, but still. Even when I tried to change, he still rejected me.
If I was a man, maybe it wouldn't be so difficult. Maybe it would work out. Because you can be a funny, hypersexual, Ivy League educated, well-rounded woman with an active social life, and you still can't get a man. Not even a man that most of your friends didn't approve of, didn't like, and didn't think was good enough for you.
Well, isn't that nice? So now it's back to square one. God help me...
I am really tired and have little to no desire to post, but I had a wonderful weekend. Seeing College BFF again was great - we got to explore the city, which is something I haven't really done since I moved into my apartment. Plus seeing a familiar face was great, especially after the gut-wrenching trip to San Francisco. I also saw my high school peeps on Monday, which was really nice. I miss them a lot (even when they're close-by) and it was nice to spend some time together. Did Monday night dinner with the fam, as well. It was all in all a nice weekend. Very fun.
This week I've made plans to do the Broadway thing. Seeing Gypsy and probably Spring Awakening. This weekend the goal is low-key. Maybe hit up some old friends to do things that aren't strenuous. See some movies. I just really need some rest and relaxation. My body is incredibly tired.
Sorry this entry was so blah. I think I'm getting sick =\