black girl, white world.

So, a few posts back Shruti asked me to elaborate on my relationship with other black women. I don't really think my issues deal with strictly other black women, but more so with black men and the community at large.

Basically, I grew up with a pretty privileged lifestyle, especially for a black girl. My parents aren't rich by any means, but we always had what we wanted. I went to Catholic school as a child, a ritzy private summer camp, and we always had yearly vacations. My parents never really said no. I mean, if we wanted something, my parents would work hard to get it. They didn't spoil us - we weren't allowed anything outrageous, nor did we ask for anything like that - and they made sure we knew that we had the things we had because my father busted his ass 7 days a week working overtime. But, it was still a lot of privilege. I never really grew up around people who didn't have some kind of money. While none of my friends are crazy wealthy or anything compared to some of the kids we went to school with, if you compare our families to people in the rest of the country, we're all doing pretty well for ourselves.

I live in a biracial family (black mom, light-skinned Puerto Rican dad) although I'm not biracial (well, at least as far as I know - I'm adopted, but I've been told by several people - including the Intellectual that if I told them that I was half black/half hispanic, they'd believe me). Race has always been an odd things for me. I live in a family where races have mixed and my dad and mom look nothing like each other and nothing like me. When I was a kid, we lived in a predominately black neighborhood where I was teased mercilessly by kids over my "white father." For some reason, having a parent that isn't black is like the kiss of death in the black community. It takes away your street cred. Add that to the fact that I was a dorky, nerdy girl who read a lot, watched Jeopardy for fun, and my whole wardrobe was from the Gap, and you could tell I was going to get teased. Most of my life other black people (with a few exceptions) shunned me. In America, you're told if you're black and you're smart and get good grades and stay out of trouble, that you're "acting white." Well, let me just say this - I'd rather be "acting white" at an Ivy League university than "acting black" in jail. 

Basically, after years of the teasing, the shunning, the discomfort, I just sort of gave up. I tried my hardest to integrate myself into the community and I've pretty much failed at every turn. Instead I've tended to make friends with other black women who've had the same shit happen to them. I love the black community, I love the way I was raised, I love the heritage and the traditions, but I can't deal with the bullshit. And so I've tended to surround myself with kids like me - other bourgie black kids who value education and have goals and dreams and ambitions and don't tease me because I use proper English. 

As far as black men are concerned, I am so awkward around them. I get really nervous because I remember all the kids who teased me in my youth. Also, I don't really interact with black men on a regular basis. Most black women interact with a black man every day of the week - their father. My father isn't black, doesn't really have any black friends, and so the only black men I see are my younger brothers, two of whom are mixed race. I never grew up around black men and so in some ways I'm afraid we won't connect. In my fantasies, my ideal man is always black, because I think that black love is beautiful and I feel more comfortable physically with black men, who tend to appreciate my body type and features. But, I end up dating white men because they're more readily available in the circles I run in, they approach me, and they seem to accept me for who I am as a person. I'd love to fall in love with a wonderful black man who's educated, intelligent, and has an amazing sense of humor. But the statistics don't seem to pan out in my favor. Black women are the least likely group to get married in our society. In 2001, 41.9% of black women have never been married. That's scary. That's really fucking scary. So when I complain that I will always be alone and never get married, it's not just paranoia, it's logic and statistics.

I don't know. Race is such a complicated thing. It never really goes away. I probably haven't done this topic justice, but I wanted to put some things out there.

long and rambly.

Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind so it's time to vent with little to no purpose. I'll try to organize things effectively. I've been in this weird, tense sort of mood. I can feel it in my body. My shoulders and neck are tight. I may have to start stretching them a little better before I go to work out. I just feel like my eyes are slowly starting to open and I'm ready. Ready to start doing all the things I always talk about, ready to make my life better. Ready to be done with bullshit and ridiculousness. 

My job is killing me. Literally - it's sucking my soul out of my body. I miss my old team so much that it's almost physically painful. I just feel like what I'm doing is not challenging and I see mistakes being made and I can't stand it. It's like it's making me a worse person, because I'm starting to get frustrated with people and that's not good for my psyche. On the bright side, I am super-stoked about law school, even more so than before. I'm ready to bang out my applications in a month and a half. I'm excited about the prospect of going back to school and being surrounded by youth, talent, and intelligence. Like-minded people with similar goals. I was looking over Columbia's application last night and it made me so excited. I think I'm going to enjoy law school, even though it'll probably be the toughest endeavor of my life thus far. We'll see.

I'm giving up on men. Seriously, after talking to College BFF about it, I'm just run down. I don't know what happened with the Intellectual, but he's poof disappeared. He left me a Facebook message the other day - I responded with a text message and heard nothing back. Then when I sign into the Facebook, he's removed his single status. I don't know what to make of that. It just frustrates me and only reinforces all the horrible things I believe about love and relationships and men. I might as well just bite the bullet and realize that I am going to be alone. I mean, I have my friends, but they'll disappear, sucked into their respective relationships and I will be as alone as I was when I was born. I'm used to people walking out of my life. I'll get over it eventually. I just hate it because shit like this makes me want to close myself off to everyone - my friends, my family, men. Sometimes I'm afraid that one of these days I'm just going to disappear - cut off everyone and just run off somewhere without telling a soul. Drastic, dramatic gestures have always been my thing. When I finally crack, it's going to be spectacularly dramatic, I know it.

My body aches and I love it. From the past three days in the gym, I feel ready to collapse and I like it. I love pushing my body to it's limits and I love feeling the effects. It's good for me.

Creativity is calling out to me - writing and theatre. I will find a way to make these things a part of me. I think that's who I am in essence - a creative person trapped inside the body of a dull intellectual. I long to make things - to be a part of the creative process. I need that to thrive and that's been missing from my life for the past year and a half.

I also need to get out and meet new people. I need to make NYC my home - to explore it and find my place within it. It just seems like there's never enough time. Everything's always happening at once. There's friendships to maintain, work to go to, errands to run, business trips, leisure trips, applications, tests - I just feel as though there's no time for me to do all the things I want to. And then I remember high school. My freshman year of high school, I did so much. I was involved with tons of clubs, went to school super early, stayed late for lacrosse practice, did homework, and was even able to have a social life. I just don't understand why that's become so difficult now. Jesus, I just don't know.

Anyhow, I should *so* be working. More later - I know I promised Shru an entry. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

yesterday.

I was absolutely ridiculously good yesterday. I went to the gym for an hour and a half - did the bike, the treadmill, and the elliptical. No trouble breathing or anything! It was wonderful. I'm totally ready to get back into the shape I was in during the beginning stages of high school, where I played volleyball and lacrosse and spent my afternoons working out for 3 hours a day at practice. I don't really have that kind of time, but if I can do 90 min to 2 hours every day, I should be set. I'm really ready to whip my body into shape. And I know myself - I *love* to eat. So I will be working out like a psychopath instead of dieting. I've decided also not to do bread after 5 pm. We'll see how that goes.

I went out last night (eeep! on a Monday!) - it was awesome. Saw this concert version of Reefer Madness with Slind and some other girls. It was amazing. I was right near Alan Cumming and saw Ana Gasteyer up close! It was insanity. It also made me miss theatre and that community. I love actors so very much. I really need to get on top of finding a way to satisfy that particular craving of mine. The craving to be creative and surrounded by creative people. I miss it. I need to start writing again. It's imperative.

Still no word from the boy. Oddly enough, I don't really care. Haha - I might text him - who knows? I wish I was more excited. Sigh. Apathy. 

it's about that time...

... to introduce a new man to the blog. Yay! Welcome The Intellectual - the guy I went out with on Friday night. So we kind of had our wires crossed and he left me a voicemail on Thursday night that I didn't get until Friday afternoon, so I was unsure whether we were still on for the date. Turns out we were and we settled everything and decided to go out in the West Village for Mexican food. We met up at the subway stop and walked over together. He's cute, dark-skinned, a little on the short side, but extremely well-built. Like 'Oh My God, can I please sleep with you now' built. 

Conversation was really nice. We talked about a lot of really deep things - our relationships with our parents, our childhoods, life in general. We both had a lot to say about Black America and the community and problems within and outside of it. It was nice to talk to someone about those things. Because I've noticed something about me. Black men make me incredibly nervous. Not like 'clutch my purse, cross the street' nervous, but just worried about how they will view me. I am not the typical black woman and I've faced a whole lot of hurt from the black community for many reasons - my white-looking father, my intelligence, my dorkiness, the way I carry myself. So I'm wary of them. I'm afraid they'll look at me, be attracted, but will drop me like a hot potato once I open my mouth. It wasn't like that with this guy. He was nice, smart, playful (he told me I seemed like the Upper East Side type - haha), and we were really able to connect.

He walked me home and we chatted about politics and interracial dating along the way. When we got to my apartment, he gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug and told me we should hang out again sometime. So I'm waiting for him to call him. We'll see. I've given up hope on most men, so we'll see how it goes.

The postmortem: I like him. I'd like to continue seeing him, but I'm not freaking the fuck out about it or anything. I'll be happy if he calls, but I won't be devastated if he doesn't. I really want to be excited about a man, but for whatever reason, it's just not happening for me right now. Maybe I'm hopeless...

i am such an idiot.

I feel like whenever it comes to men, I always find some way to screw thing up or end up acting horribly awkward. It could almost be funny if it weren't so sad. So for most of this week the Construction Worker has been outside when I walk by. Today, he saw me from about half a block away and continued to stare as I walked down the street. I'm uber self-conscious so I didn't know what to do and I was listening to my iPeeZee (yeah, I just called it that - and WHAT?) - I think T.I.'s "Whatever You Like" was blasting. 

Then he says something to me!!!! But I couldn't hear what he said because the music was too loud and I couldn't read his lips. It sounded like he said something about either taking me out anytime I wanted or complementing how I look nice every day. I have no idea what he said!!!! But I didn't want to stop walking because I'm shy and this is just a harmless flirtation, nothing more. So I didn't take out my headphones or anything - I just smiled at him and kept walking. Haha - I don't know what I'll do on Monday. Jesus. I'm such an awkward mess - I love it!

Anyway. I'm so boy-crazy lately... I need to start thinking of other things. Also, I have no idea if my date is happening tonight and I kinda don't even really care. Haha - is that bad? I mean, I guess I wanna go out with him, but I'm also really fucking tired. Sigh. I'm so fickle.

there's something wrong with me...

I've been eating far too little and drinking far too much. I don't care about my body or what goes into it. I've been horrible lately. I don't even know why. I just lack the motivation to take care of myself. And yet, I am in no way, shape or form depressed. I'm actually pretty happy right now. My weekends have been good - spent in the company of friends. My job was stressful last week, but almost pleasant this week. I just don't know what's wrong with me.

I pretty much eat one meal a day - lunch. Then dinner is usually spent snacking on a piece of pita bread swallowed down with a glass of wine. I get the sinking feeling that I'm slowly killing myself. Ha! I've promised myself that after Freshman Year Best Friend leaves (he's visiting on Saturday! yay!) that I will get my shit together. I don't think I was even this bad when I was in SF and TG was afraid that I was starving myself.

I just lack motivation. Yeah. That's it. I'll get it back soon. No need to send out the watchdogs. I'm sure I'll be fine.

eureka!

I'm a huge stalker. Seriously. I'm ashamed to even admit to this because it's kind of scary, but I can find out nearly anything about anybody with little more to go on than a first and last name. I'm sure lots of other people have this talent, especially in this internet age, but I have to say that I have more drive and determination than most people I've seen. Maybe it's because I work at an internet search company, but I can make the internet produce wonderful things for me and usually those things have to do with men. Specifically the men I'm dating or am interested in. Yes, I know it's creepy and I need to stop doing it, but last night it totally led me to realize what my issue is. Well, what one of them is - clearly, I have many issues.

So New Jersey, right? Post-hook up we've had two interactions, both initiated by me and both very unfulfilling. So I get the hint that he's not interested. He claimed he'd call/text/IM me sometime this week but I don't believe it. Anyhow, before we met I had to get all the dirt on him. I mean, one of the downsides to online dating is that you never know who's a whackjob and who isn't. So in all my sleuthing I managed to find his blog (yes, I know - I shouldn't have read it, but I did so whatevs). So, last night he was online, but I was ignoring him and he was ignoring me, so I go to read his blog and the entry is pretty much all about how he's a complete and total philanderer (his words, not mine) who basically doesn't want to grow up. All his friends are getting married and settling down, but he's not and he's conflicted about it.

That's when I realize - holy shit! I'm consistently attracted to emotionally unavailable Aquarians with Peter Pan complexes. My ideal man always seems to be slightly aloof, emotionally detached, yet totally smooth with women. Guys who might be called "man whores" and who know how to get women - tons of women! - but have no idea how to have a real, serious relationship. That was the deal with the Banker, and that's the deal with this one. I just don't know what it is that attracts me to them. Maybe it's the fact that for once, I look like the normal one. I'm not the one whose commitment-phobia is holding things back. Maybe I just like the thrill of the chase. I don't know what it is, but I have to get it in my head that these are not the kind of men I should be pursuing. It's a waste of time and energy. 

Basically, after reading that entry it's forced me to be real about the kinds of men I'm trying to get with as well as the potential consequences of continuing my own aloofness. I do not want to be 28 years old, single, and still fucking around with random men.

Goddamn, this week has been a mindfuck.

withholding.

So, at least three times a week (hell, it's probably actually five times a week), college BFF and I have cocktail nights. Yes, she lives in DC and I live in NYC, but we talk on the phone while we have a drink. It's honestly one of my favorite parts of being back on the East Coast - the ability to have these little chats. So last night's talk centered around the pursuit of men. We talked about all the assholes we've screwed and pursued over our lifetimes and why the ideal relationship has been so far out of our grasp. "Is it really as simple as withholding the pussy? Is that the key to a relationship?" she asked me. To be honest, I don't know. Maybe it really is that simple and maybe that's why every relationship I've ever been in or attempted to create has been hopelessly fucked up. I always tend to get sexual before I get intimate. Maybe I need to stop doing that in order to have men take me seriously. However, as BFF so eloquently put it - "I can guarantee you that there are no men out there wondering if a woman will stop taking them seriously if they have sex on the first date." And ladies and gentleman, therein lies my problem.

I have serious issues with gender imbalance. If I even suspect that a man holds some antiquated notion about women and sex, I don't want to be with him. And I refuse to change my behavior in order to get a man to take me seriously. I just don't see why I should have to. I know relationships are about compromise and all, but sex is extremely important to me. Maybe it's because I was a late bloomer, maybe it's because I've been obsessed with sex since I could read, but for whatever reason, sex is a major factor for me with whomever I get involved with. I can't do prudes. Tried it and I failed. I like to get all of that shit out in the open at first, which probably scares men. I mean, one of the things I thought I liked about New Jersey was that he seemed so refreshed by how open I was sexually. However, in the end, it appears that he was either lying or it was too much for him. Sigh.

Maybe I'm just insecure. I've always known that I was intelligent and going places. I've never for a second doubted that my life would be blessed in those respects. I went to a good school, I have a good job, and my brains have rarely failed me. What I'm more insecure about is my body, my capacity to be viewed as a sexual being. So maybe I over-emphasize that too much. For me it's not a matter of how much you respect me, but how much you want to fuck me. Maybe it's time to switch it up a bit.

i am hungry.

Just so you all know - dieting sucks. I'm hoping that this newfound hatred of dieting will convince me to get my ass to the gym and work out two hours a day so I can eat whatever the hell I want. I plan on heading to the gym to work out today, but we'll see how long I last and if I even make it there.

Sigh. I have nothing much to say. Just looking forward to hanging out with friends and my date on Friday! Yay!

the return of the mack...

Thank God. I finally resurrected my old self and got all dressed up to go partying last night. I even stayed out til 6 am. Maybe I'm not slowly dying inside like I've suspected. I might just be reawakening the party girl I used to be. I had an amazing time last night - went to a housewarming party in Astoria for my high school people. Then White Castle (I've never eaten there before! haha) followed by going back to Manhattan where we ran into the weirdest man ever. He was this 46 year old steelworker who was drunk as fuck and didn't know how to get back home. So he was bothering this girl who was also lost (trying to get to a booty call in Jersey - omglol) and she came over to us since we were normal and sane. Then that brought him over and we had to hear his whole life story practically. He also mentioned driving home, which fightened the hell out of me. Plus I was with high school BFF and he and I cannot keep our shit together around each other. We were pretty much laughing in this guy's face. It was ridiculous. Haha. Anyway, it was so good to see the high school crew and old BFF and just have a great night.

After the craziness in Astoria, we headed out to meet up with some of high school BFF's friends from college. Ended up at Vig 27, which was awesome, followed by really solid Indian food in Curry Hill. It was wonderful! =)

In boy news, I asked New Jersey out on Friday and was shot down. He cited the paper he was working on and said that he'd hit me up this week to hang out, but I'm not holding my breath on him. I have a date on Friday night, so I'm looking forward to that. He's 27, amazingly gorgeous, intelligent, driven, sexy, and Jamaican. So for all of you out there that think I only date white men =P

The cat lands on her feet again.

what the hell happened to me?

I hate Tech Guy. No, he didn't contact me or say something stupid to me. I haven't heard from him in forever. What I hate him for is fundamentally changing who I am. Lately, I've been having this problem. My sex drive is... well, it's drastically decreased. I seem to have little interest in getting off. As a subscriber to the 'every day should contain an orgasm' theory, I'm starting to freak out about my complete lack of desire lately. Instead, I'm craving something far more disturbing. Human contact. Like cudding. And spooning. And kissing. ACK. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

When I first started having sex, I loved the whole lack of emotional attachment to the men I was screwing. I remember one really hot hookup that ended with him holding me in his arms as we went to sleep. All I could think of was "when will this motherfucker fall asleep so I can remove his arm from my shoulder and creep to the very edge of the bed and get a good night's rest?" Now I just want to fall asleep with someone and it's pissing me off. I'm supposed to be the ultimate ice queen, the girl who prefers to keep it simple. Just sex, no strings. I don't want to hear about who you are or what you do, I just want to get down to it and when it's over, I want to disconnect. Pure animal attraction - get your clothes on and get out before we have to have any silly chats or cuddling sessions. Hell, I write a blog entitled "Pillow Talk Is Extra" - I'm not supposed to be craving it.

I don't even know what to do. I mean, my sexual encounter with New Jersey was satisfying, but at the same time, I feel like I'm starting to freak out because I kinda want a little more from him than sex and I don't think I'm going to get it. But at the same time I'm really unsure about what I want from any man. I just want to go back to being the heartless bitch I used to be. The girl who would never say no to sex, but always said no to emotional involvement. This is a serious crisis. I look in the mirror some days and have no idea who this chick is staring back at me. From the tender age of 11, I decided that I was going to trust no one, love no one, and care about nobody but myself. I kind of backed away from that when I made friends that I liked and who cared about me and who I respected. But, I've always, always been that way about men. I trust them about as far as I can throw them. Men can do only one thing for me and that's it. All of a sudden, though, I'm starting to want more from them. And you know what - I don't like it. Not one bit.

3 weeks until Las Vegas. I'm ready to be reckless.

the week from hell has ended.

I swear to God, this was the worst work-week in history. I thought I was going to burst out into tears half the time and the other time I was afraid I was going to slit my wrists. I ended up staying late in the office yesterday due to last-minute firedrills. Luckily, I had a glass of wine while working which made it so much more enjoyable. Got home and spent the time on the phone with College BFF. That chick really cracks me up. Cannot wait til DC in November. November is going to be a fucking awesome month. Vegas, San Francisco, DC, and then BFF coming to my house for Thanksgiving. Loving it!

Spent last night watching the most craptastic vampire movie ever with the roommate. It was called Rise, with Lucy Liu, Michael Chiklis from the Shield, and a surprise appearance by Nick Lachey. Mindblowingly bad.

Anyhow, this weekend promises to be fun. Housewarming party on Saturday night, seeing W on Sunday with the MCMers. In between all of that I will be shopping til I drop, working on some new writing ventures, and cleaning my apartment like a madwoman. I also think I'm going to ask New Jersey out tonight. We'll see how that goes. You know how nervous I get about that shit. I can feel my stomach in my throat. Well, let me peace out so I can get out of here early!

boys, boys, boys.

Yay! It's Thursday - I'm allowed to think about men again! OMG, oddest fucking dream about TG. In the dream he calls me on the phone and we're talking about jobs or something like that. Then all of a sudden his girlfriend is on the line and the three of us were having a conversation. Now I'm thinking this is pretty weird, but I'm not upset about it in the dream at all. I'm just like - okay, she's on the line. Odd. Then she starts talking about their sex life and I hang up the phone. It was so strange. She was talking about how he wants to have sex all the time and I got really uncomfortable and just hung up. I think I was only uncomf because there were times when I literally had to beg to get anything from him, so that's one of my huge insecurities. That he has this raucous sex life with this chick. Although I honestly doubt that. ANYWAY. I'm not upset or disturbed about the dream at all - I'm just weirded out. I actually think I'm over him, so it was just weird to have that shit crop back up when you think it's all dead and buried.

New Jersey update. So I've basically left him alone for this week because I know he's stressed with midterms and I've generally been busy and doing other shit. However, after talking with some friends, I've decided that I'm not quite ready to let go of this one just yet. First of all, I definitely want to sleep with him and I haven't accomplished that yet, so I still have to work on that. I also find him to be intriguing and I want to know his deal. So I'm going to ask him out this weekend. Something lowkey, slightly sexual, but also date-ish. I'm thinking a movie. Or drinks near my apartment. Of course I don't know any bars to go to, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For all I know, boy never wants to see me again. But at least I'll be able to answer that question sometime soon.

so I won't hesitate no more...

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but all of a sudden I'm completely obsessed with that Jason Mraz song "I'm Yours" and it's totally erasing all the shittiness of yesterday. Basically, after the day from hell at work, I walked home with my roomie and then decided to do laundry. So I go down with all my stuff and the fucking card machine is out of cards. No problem - I leave my stuff down there and I go borrow a card from my roommate. I go back down and my fucking key breaks off in the lock! So now, not only can I not do my laundry, but I have left my shit down there. SO FUCKING PISSED. I call facilities and they take care of it, though. I don't even know. I couldn't do anything but just chuckle at the extreme ridiculousness of the situation. Murphy's Law...

Anyhow, I don't know why, but I woke up this morning feeling so happy and upbeat, listening to my song on repeat, bouncing down the street. I think I actually smiled at people! It's like everything has melted away - the drama at work, the uncertainty with New Jersey - and I'm just me. Having a good time and loving life - feeling excited about the possibility of something better. Hopeful. =)

Tonight I'm going to Long Island to hang out with my friends. I feel truly blessed to still be so close to people I knew back when I was young and dumb and didn't know who I was. I'm happy that so many of my friends have been on this strange journey of mine and that we still connect. I love knowing that I have forged some insanely close bonds that 4 years of college and a year out in the real world haven't broken. I am not the person I was back in middle or high school, and yet there's this feeling of acceptance and growth in my personal relationships. I am so lucky.

"Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved"

I am so sappy today. Haha. It makes me laugh.

i am in a shit mood today...

I woke up kind of hungover as a result from the drinking I did last night because of my job. New Jersey and I are still in that weird post-hookup stage where I'm not sure how to act because I'm skittish after I hook up with a new person. We talked *very* briefly last night. He's stressed about school (or so he says) - midterms and all. So who knows what's going on with that. But, that's not what I'm pissed off about. I'm seriously hating my job right now.

I used to adore my old team, my old tasks, and my old work life. I had an officemate I adored, a team that really loved me, and work that was challenging, meaningful and important. Now all I have is hassle and annoyance. A trained lab rat could do my job, there's always all this last minute bull-shit and everything is at the whim of the engineers. I get frustrated with some of the people I work with because I think things aren't as efficient as they can be. And now I'm in the midst of being blamed for something that's been fucked up for months and only happened to land in my lap at the wrong time. STRESSFUL. It's just a shitty situation all around, so I spent last night pouring my heart out to College BFF about everything in my life - men, work, my lack of a social life.

I'm just so not used to being this unhappy at work. Even in SF, when shit was bad it was never work. I mean, I certainly got stressed at work, but I never dreaded going into work on a given day. Ugh. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. I just cannot deal with this shit.

//end rant.

cleansing my palette...

It was colossally dick of me to write that last entry and then wait forever to go into it. I apologize. I'm a horrible person. But if you read this blog often, then you already know that - haha!

So yeah, um New Jersey. I still cannot believe what went down on Thursday night. I'm normally not so impulsive, but the lack of sex in my life right now, coupled with not being completely over TG made me go a little bit crazy. Plus, I'm really intrigued by this guy - men who make me wait for things get me really hot.  We've been talking for a month and a half with nothing happening... so I needed to do something about this. And it's like one of my fave sorority sisters says - "After you've had a bad hookup or a hookup with a bad guy, you need to cleanse your palette with someone else." So that's what I did.

No, I didn't have sex with him. That would've been highly irresponsible and a bad idea all around. Plus I had my period. But, um, err, I did end up doing some other stuff that I probably shouldn't have done. Repeatedly. Three times to be exact. Whoops! I didn't really mean to, it just sort of happened. And you know what? I have no remorse. Even if I never see him again, even if this is just a sex thing (which is what I think it will be, if it's anything at all), I had a damn good time and it is another step closer to forgetting about TG. I never slept as well as I did on Thursday night and I woke up Friday morning feeling on top of the world. So there! And they say sex can't solve your problems - pish posh!

Basically, what happened was this. I came home and started talking with him and it was like two hours later so I finally had to say something. I mean, it was bogus - we could've been having that conversation in person. So I teasingly reminded him that he had said we could hang out that night.

me: I thought you were going to invite me over

he: you can come over if you want!

me: haha - wow, that's a lovely invitation

he: haha, were you expecting an e-vite

he: but yeah, you should come over

he: well, do you want directions?

me: haha, no. i was planning on telepathically siphoning it out of your brain.

he: that works too.

me: actually directions will be fine =)

So I just decided to go over - hopped in the shower, got clean and dressed in something cute, but not too cute, and booked it over there. He was waiting for me at the bus stop - we did the awkward hug thing and then continued to his place. It was much less awkward than I imagined, though. He's cute in that way that I like - scruffy, but well-kept. A little shorter than I'd like, but he has a nice face and build, so I'm down. He asked me if I was okay with watching some crappy Comedy Central programming and I said that was fine. He got me a glass of water and we started watching television on his couch.

Basically the hookup was one of the most interesting ones I've ever had. It was just really odd cuz we would be talking about these really intense things - racial stereotypes, interracial relationships, Condoleeza Rice, the state of black comedy today (haha), politics - and then in between these intense convos we'd hook up. And then after we finished we'd talk some more. He totally wanted me to get naked, but I was like "um, no" and he finally guessed at me having my period. He took no for an answer, but he was definitely still into it. Which is odd - TG was so weird about bodily fluids (both mine AND his) so it was odd to meet a man who was like "whatever" about it. I kind of liked it. He was also really aggressive, which I like. Not in the "I'm going to push your limits" kind of way, but in the "I really want you and I'm going to make that clear" sort of way.

Anyway, after I had decided it was too late for me to be over there, we got dressed and he walked me out to the bus stop and waited with me until a bus showed up. He gave me a hug and told me to call him if I had any problems getting home or got lost or anything. He claims to want to see each other again, but who knows what'll happen, I'm unsure.

So the post-mortem. I'm definitely thinking this is just booty. I mean, we do talk about lots of things that are important and non-sexual, but I don't know. I'm just unsure about this one. I like him in a lot of ways, but there were a lot of things about him that were only so-so. And now we're in the awkward post-hookup phase and I'm not sure how to proceed. I mean, I don't want to marry him, but I would like to get laid and now that I can (bye-bye period), I wonder how to go about this. I know I'm supposed to be the girl and wait around for shit like that, but I'm just not like that. I just figure I'll try and make it clear that I want to keep this casual and sexual. How to do that - no idea - but I want to make myself clear. So who knows what'll happen. I'll just go with the flow on this one. He was a nice guy - cute, friendly, not threatening. So yeah, I'll continue to update (hopefully in a more timely manner).

Okay. That was LONG!

so, um, yeah.

Hung out with New Jersey last night.

And I really wish I could finish this, but I have guests for lunch and they came early. But more to follow!

totally unmotivated to do anything at all.

I am so lazy. It's awful. I haven't really been doing much of anything and I had a massive nosebleed this morning that made me late for work. I got to see my little sister last night! Quick coffee date with her. We've decided we have to make more plans together and I agree. I need more single women in my life. Haha. And she says she goes out all the time, so that's a huge plus. I'm looking forward to spending more time hanging out with her.

On the boy front, still haven't talked to NJ again. I was too busy with debates on Tuesday and I ignored him on Wednesday, so I'll have to see if he's around today. I'm always unsure if I should contact him or not. I'm just really weird that way. We'll see. I really shouldn't hang out cuz I have so much shit to do, but I'm not averse to it. It just means being up super late tonight.

Boston = tomorrow! I cannot fucking wait. 

i love when i forget the main point of the post.

The main point of the last post was that he asked me out. HAHA. Little detail I forgot to add. So *crossing fingers* that we'll go out soon. Of course, I can't do the day he asked, so we're trying to shoot for Thursday. I'll let you know if anything happens.

the return of new jersey.

So I had totally given him up for lost, uninterested, whatever, when New Jersey IMs me last Saturday night. We talked for about an hour - just random chit-chat, etc etc. It was nice to hear from him, though. I don't know why, but for whatever reason I really get a kick out of this kid. He just makes me laugh. Like whoa.

Last night I think I made some progress on the 'us hanging out' front. I IMmed him and we talked for about 3 hours. I don't know what to make of him. We talk about a lot of things - politics, religion, work, sex, our lives - and it's good. I just wonder what he thinks of me. Sometimes I come off as hypersexual, which can do one of two things: repel men who aren't into that sort of thing (this is probably a good thing) or attract them for the wrong reasons. I'm not sure what to make of him. We talk about sex a lot - the latter half of our convo last night was all about sexual preferences, etc etc. That's the thing, though. We don't talk solely about sex, so I like to think that he doesn't get the wrong idea. We've also talked about the idea of what 'sluttiness' is and I think he knows that I'm not the type who'll sleep with anyone. So we've established that. Good, right?

I don't know. Right now I know that I want to go out with him. Hell, I think I want to sleep with him (don't worry - I won't. Can't anyway - fucking period.). I guess it's just been a while since I've met a guy that can deal with a woman who's pretty open about herself sexually, while also being able to have really stimulating conversation about the economy, the state of the world, education. He also has the snarkiest sense of humor I've seen in a long time. And he's aggressive. And I like it. So we'll see where it goes.

my body is so tired.

I need to get some rest. I can't even think straight, much less blog. I'm hoping I'm not out of commission for the rest of the week. I have major shit I need to get done.

the LSAT is done!!!!

So yeah, I'm done. I can get my fucking life back. I love it!

The plan for the rest of tonight = getting started on fixing my life. I'm excited. I can read for pleasure again, I can start dating again, I can go out and get drunk whenever I feel like it. I'm so fucking excited.

I'm too tired to post any more, but I'll just say that I thought the test well fairly well and I can't wait to figure out how I did. Hopefully it doesn't suck, but even if it does, for the next few weeks, I'ma do what I want!

=)

up and restless.

I'm excited. Is that weird? I'm excited about the LSAT and taking it and being done with it. I don't know if I'm going to do well or excel or even reach my goals, but I think I'm ready to take it and I also think that I'm ready to move on and live my life. Not having a test hanging over your head is a good way to do that.

I've been nostalgic about San Francisco lately and I'm not entirely sure it's healthy. I don't know if it's unhealthy, but it's so odd to me. I keep on thinking of my friends there and the places we would go - XYZ, Taqueria Cancun, the Marriott. I keep thinking about TG - re-reading our AIM convos and gChats and just thinking about nights we spent together. I'm almost positive that that's not healthy, but I still keep thinking about it. It could be because I have no other prospects and I'm not even sure if I want other prospects. Sometimes I think you have to fix what's wrong with you before you go hunting for someone else. I'm not sure how I feel. I've had some crushes and interactions with guys since I've been in New York, but I don't know if my heart is in it. I just get disinterested or scared or shy. I haven't been this shy in a long time.

Anyway, I didn't want to get on a long tangent about that. But, in general I've been thinking about my life and the changes that are necessary. I feel like when I moved to SF, I threw myself into a lot of new and unusual situations and I haven't done that here. I've played it safe - stuck to what I knew. I don't want to be like that. Yes, this is my "home" in a sense that I lived in New York for most of my life, except for my four years in Providence and my 9 months in San Francisco. However, that doesn't mean that there isn't more to explore. It doesn't mean I should get lazy. I need to put myself out there. That's the healthiest thing to do.

Anyway, it's 10 pm and I'm exhausted. I fully intend on crawling into bed and falling asleep. LSAT in the morning!

conversations with bff.

Two nights ago I spent forever and a half talking to College BFF about men, careers, school, all that good stuff. I think we're both really trying to turn things around in our lives and I'm happy about that. Recently, I've felt like I've been wandering aimlessly through life these past couple of months, ever since the move from San Francisco. As I talk to a lot of my friends, it seems like life is easy for no one, which, although comforting in some way, is still disconcerting. How does one fix that, how do you change it? How do you accomplish all of your goals and dreams?

For me, certain aspects of my life has always come naturally to me. I've always felt like someone was watching out for me. I went to the college I wanted and got the job I desired, and yet, other things haven't been quite so smooth. My love life, for example. I just want to know if it's possible to have it all and what the hell that even means.

I've spent and continue to spend so much time focusing on this idealized vision of what my life should be, and quite frankly, that just might not happen. I have to start dealing with those realities. Shit may just not work out and you have to have a back-up plan. What do you do when you finally realize that some things just aren't possible? Sigh. Who knows?

Anyway, I'm taking the most important test I've ever taken tomorrow, so I should really stop speculating on life and start studying! Wish me luck! 

childhood.

I'm at my parents' house now, kickin it and studying for the LSAT. It's so beautiful outside. There's this fall chill in the air. I really do love the fall. It makes me think of my childhood for some reason. I didn't grow up in this house - I mean, I guess I did, but it's not my childhood home. That was on Catlin Avenue. I remember I had a little house outside that I would go and play in. I would run around in the backyard chasing our dogs and jumping into piles of leaves. I miss that time so much.

I can't remember what it's like to be a kid. Back before you gave a shit about how much you weigh, or what you look like, or what job you have. You could just be you. You had some friends from school and you had your family and it was enough. No love life drama, no bullshit. You were just a kid. Maybe you liked a boy at school, but it wasn't a big deal. Everything was so much simpler. I really miss going pumpkin picking, or to the beach (my mom always made us do the beach in the fall - no crowds and we could play on the playground). Fall festivals with apple cider and funnel cake. Sigh. So nostalgic right now.

I didn't get to have this last year, since San Francisco isn't really a fall kind of place. So I'm going to enjoy it now. Once I'm done with this pesky little test, I'm going to be so ready to have a good time doing fall things. But for now, I still have to work. And study. Blah!