back in the city.

Arrived safely back to my NYC apartment tonight. I'm really excited - things are looking up. This is my week of being social. I've been locking myself away for far too long. Time to be productive and move on with my life. I focus too much on other people - it's time to focus on me. Doing what makes me happy and reconnecting with those people who care about me and who are good to me. In that vein, I have three NYers I have to contact this week. I'll get on that tomorrow. Then I also have to figure out what I'm wearing/doing for my date on Thursday. I'm kind of nervous. I've been on three dates (well, two and a sketchy hookup, I guess) since I've been in NYC and none of them have yielded a second date. So hopefully this'll go a lot better than my other ones. I just have to be sparkling and witty and pretty. Shouldn't be too hard, right? =\

I'm trying to psych myself up. Let's see how that goes.

In other news, I have my Tivo back! So maybe now I can catch up on my television shows again! More Gilmore Girls! Anywho, it's time for me to go back to tackling this list. Work early tomorrow.

sometimes i freak out...

... and then I calm down. It seems like that's the mode for today. I just saw Twilight with Slind and it was entertaining. I'm glad we went. I miss going to the movies. I desperately need to find a new movie buddy, I think it would be good for me. I got asked out on a date for this week. I think Tuesday would be a good day to go out. I'm debating if I want to do dinner or just drinks. Dinner could be rough because it's a full meal and I don't know if we can sustain conversation/interest for that long. Drinks, while more fun, are also more dangerous. Given my current state, who knows what I'll do or say after I've knocked back a few of them. Although, that may not necessarily be a bad thing. I think I'm entitled to be silly every once in a while. And by silly, I mean promiscuous =)

I'm unhappy about work right now, which is making my life a nightmare. I just need to steel myself through these next 3 weeks. It's literally 15 days and then I get a super-long break to do whatever I want to do. I'm really excited about it. Just gotta make it through.

blast(s) from the past.

I don't understand mass holiday text messages. Honestly. I mean, they're nice to get - I suppose - but if you're just sending it to everyone it kind of loses its meaning. I guess I'm only bitching about this because I got a stupid message from TG as well as one from the Intellectual (the Jamaican who disappeared, yet still sends me weird things on facebook and whenever I try to initiate a convo he vanishes again). I just don't want anyone I've ever dated to send me a Happy Thanksgiving/Merry Christmas/Happy Chanukah/Happy Kwanzaa message. Just don't send it. Or if you're going to send a fucking message - PLEASE check and see who you're sending it to. Because some of us don't want to hear it.

Ugh - I just did a totally passive aggressive thing and I'm unsure how I feel about it. I have a tumblr -under my real name - that I'm aware that TG reads. Last week I posted something on my twitter about my friend getting her heart trampled on by an asshole. It read as follows: "i really hate watching men break my friends' hearts. it's just disgusting and makes me so cynical and jaded. i don't even know what to say." It was just a message - not directed towards anyone - and of course TG responds to it saying that women can break hearts as well and it's not only men. I wanted to HIT HIM. Do you seriously need to respond like that? Especially given our situation. Just read the fucking tweet, keep your mouth shut, and move along with your day. I didn't mention him, it wasn't directed towards him, nothing indicated that I wanted his goddamn opinion.

So just now I wrote this entry on my tumblr, getting into the situation a bit more and talking about how I've been hurt in the past. I not only mentioned that every man I've been with has hurt me, I also mentioned that I only know one man who hasn't and of course, this person is someone he knows. I'm not trying to be a bitch, but I'm trying to be a bitch. Haha. I just wanted to get out my anger and frustration. I mean - I could pull it from the site, but I know he subscribes to my feed, and I can't erase it from his feed, so it's up there. I just wish I didn't feel the desire to hurt him. I sometimes wonder if I'm not psychologically deranged when it comes to men. I mean, maybe I'm just bummed because he's in a loving relationship and I'm not. It could just be jealousy, but in my defense - I was provoked.

Sigh. Anyways. That's that. On with the day.

the dating game.

So I've been pretty mum on my love life recently. No reason in particular - I just really haven't felt much like talking about it. I'm slowly getting over the TG thing. I was in a really good place the other day. I read something in his twitter about his girlfriend and I didn't feel that normal stomach dropping feeling and I didn't want to throw up or consume massive amounts of alcohol. Amazing! Haha. Today I was a little weird - he just started his new job yesterday and a part of me wanted to say something, but I refrained. Then I thought about whether or not he was spending the holidays with the girlfriend, which did make me have that stomach-dropping feeling. Jesus, I'm so weird.

ANYHOW. I've thrown myself back into the dating pool. Actually I did it about 2 weeks ago, I think. Doing the online dating thing again, even though I have my doubts. I guess it's going fine so far. I'm talking to some people - all European guys. Haha - it's so weird. I always wonder why certain men are interested in me. So far, it's been lots of white Euro guys - like from overseas. There's the Frenchmen and then the Eastern European guy. They're both cute. We'll see. I kinda wonder what kind of man is interested in me. There are also the super-shady guys who are all "your picture is really sexy" - I ignore those. If I wanted to be salivated over like a piece of meat, I'd get tarted up and go to a bar. Sigh. It never really ends, does it? I have another interest - a real life one, but I refuse to talk about him, which means that it's serious. I always hide my crushes in their early stages, not telling a soul. So I'm keeping that shit to myself for now. For a while it was back burner, but I think it's about to become front burner again. 

I'm just ready for the neverending saga of dating to be over.

parents.

I'm far too tired to post for real right now, but I just got off the phone with my parents and it was excruciating. I hate when I have nothing to say to them - it makes the conversation really fucking awkward. Plus, my mom is FREAKING out and is all "don't quit your job!" "go to law school part time" - yeah, um, that's definitely not happening. Especially considering I could get fired from my job before I even have the chance to leave. I hate thinking about the future cuz it's such a crapshoot. I mean, it may be better to go back to school now that things are in the toilet or it may be better to wait - I have no idea, really. However, I know I'm not going back to school part-time. Especially considering none of the schools that I want to go to even offer that as an option.

Sometimes I envy people who have less controlling parents. Wait, scratch that - less controlling mothers. I just hate even talking to her about anything that really matters. While I'm able to keep her out of my love life, keeping her out of my work life is not an option. So I'll do what I always do. I'll lie like a rug and do what I want and deal with the consequences later. I hate having a secret life, but it's how I've always been. I just wonder when I'll finally be able to stop living live in double.

phenomenal weekend.

This weekend was amazing, despite the fact that it is cold as fuck outside. My event at work went really well on Friday and the most important thing is - it's over! Thank God! I can move on now and start focusing on Thanksgiving, which I'm really excited for. Friday night was fun - went out to Tortilla Flats with the girls from work. We had margaritas and gossiped for a bit. Then I headed home and passed out at like 9 pm. Haha - it was awesome. I really needed the sleep.

Spent Saturday hanging out with one of my favorite sorority sisters who's still in school. She came to NYC to visit and we hung out, went to dinner with another one of her friends, and then hunkered down at a bar in the East Village to escape the cold. I drank far too much, but didn't really get drunk shockingly enough. Told inappropriate stories, laughed a bunch, and had a really nice time. I miss people sometimes. It's nice that now that I'm here on the East Coast I really do get to see people more often. Today was spent doing a lot of reading (omg I'm in love with the Sookie Stackhouse novels), as well as a quick nap and some lounging around. Then I spent the evening with Jama, eating takeout at his apartment and playing taboo. It was nice - I hadn't seen him in forever.

So yeah, that was my weekend. Good times =)

Additionally, I think I may have a date soon! Yay! He's European! Haha

okay, this is totally in the realm of TMI, but i don't care...

I don't even know why I'm thinking about this - because I'm not having any sex whatsoever - but lately I've been thinking about getting waxed. I figure it's probably something I should try now while no one has to see my hooha. That way, if I have a bad reaction or something, I can keep my legs closed for a while until it heals. Although, knowing me, I'll do it, have something bad happen, and then a boy will fall into my bed. That's the luck I have. Whenever I'm not groomed to my liking or I'm wearing underwear that says ' I heart Pink Cupcakes ' I end up getting laid. Go figure.

However, I have a ridiculously low tolerance for hair-removal related pain. Getting my eyebrows threaded nearly brings me to tears AND I have sensitive skin to boot. My biggest fear is that I'm going to have one of those moments where I freak out and run out of the place after they pull the first strip. I mean, I don't want a Brazilian or anything - there is NO need to look like an 11 year old girl - well, at least that's my opinion on the matter. I still don't think I'll be able to sit through it. Maybe I should get shitfaced and do it. Then I can blog about the experience. Haha. I don't know - we'll see.

Yes, this is what I'm thinking about right now. Can you tell that work is making me go bananas?

blah! nothing to talk about.

I really have little to nothing to say today. Yet, I feel pressured to write something anyway. I've been thinking about this life improvement thing a lot lately. I've decided that it's probably best if I set some small goals for myself in order to get to the larger goal of being happy, healthy, and successful. I was pretty much taught that you can have anything you want if you work hard enough for it, so I'm going to try and be manageable and action oriented. *snickers* Sorry I was just thinking about how in my high school psychology class I was voted "Most Likely to Be Self-Actualized" - too frickin' funny.

Some simple short-term goals:

1. Exercise more. Note how I didn't say 'go to the gym' more. I just want to start exercising. Continuing to walk. Taking the stairs instead of the elevator. Ab exercises in the apartment. I would love to start gymming it daily, but seriously, any exercise I can get would be good.

2. See 1-2 movies weekly. I love the movies, I love the entertainment industry. Yet, I haven't seen a movie in like 2 months. That is disturbing. This will also help me get out more.

3. Do something social with a friend (or friends) at least 2x every week. This means one event during the week and one event on the weekends.

4. Get involved with theatre. That means watching it, supporting your friends here who put on shows/plays, and also finding a way to volunteer in some theatre related capacity.

5. Get serious about your writing. Maintain my diary by writing in it daily. Write in this blog more. Work on my new blog venture. Edit my screenplay.

6. Apply to law school!

Mkay, that's all. Sorry for the boredom. Maybe something insane will happen to me on the way home and tomorrow's post will be entertaining =)

phoenix rising.

I've always thought of myself as a fairly resilient person. I've gone through lots of change in my life and I really do think it's only made me better. I'm nowhere near perfect, but let me tell you, I'm much improved. I have the uncanny knack of always landing on my feet. The times when I've wiped out have been few and far between. I tend to go to these really dark places sometimes, where I get sad, lonely, and depressed, but then all of a sudden I pick myself up and I make the change that needs to be made. I did it in 8th grade when I knew the friends I was hanging out with were no good. I did it my sophomore year of college, when my depressive sleeping habits were pretty much taking over my life. So I thought about what I wanted and I made it happen. I started going out more - I joined a sorority, threw myself into theatre, put myself out there. It was a beautiful thing.

That's what I need to do now. I have to decide that I'm sick of moping around and feeling sorry for myself. It's not constructive, it's not fun, and it really isn't doing anybody any good. I haven't really formulated my game plan yet, but I know that the time is coming for some serious change. New York has been good for me - it definitely has. Anyone who knew me in San Francisco knows that - TG has said it, my old roommates have said it, my new roommate says it. However, something is still missing. The thing about California was that I had to put myself out there. I barely knew anyone when I moved there and I was starting a new job and I was so out of place. But I had to do it. I had to make friends, find ways to meet people, and so I just did it. That kind of effort wasn't necessary when I moved here since I had a built in network. My best friends in life live here, so it's easy to become lazy and rely on other people as a crutch. I cannot do that. I told myself when I graduated college that I was not going to do that. So I've decided that it's now or never. It's time for me to step my game up, get out and do the things that I've always wanted to do. To maintain my friendships, but also to create new ones and explore hobbies I'm interested in. I've been so damn boring lately - practically anti-social - and it has to stop. I have way too many outlets to live my life like a hermit.

Onward and upward.

hanging out with TG.

I have so much updating to do, but I thought I'd start with the most interesting piece - or at least the one I'm most eager to write up, resolve, and file away. So before I left for Vegas, TG gChatted me, telling me to have a good time, etc etc. We talked for a while and his job situation was still uncertain - there was the chance he'd be doing something in New York, but he didn't know - yada yada. All of that had me pretty mixed up. So when I got to San Francisco after the Vegas trip and he sent me a message wanting to see me, I just felt like I had to. I solicited the advice of several friends, many of you readers of this blog, and you all had different things to say. I ended up just deciding to meet him because I knew I would regret it if I didn't. I felt like it was most likely to be the last time we were going to see each other for a while. Maybe forever. Who knows?

I'm actually shockingly glad I did it. I have this habit, as most introspective daydreamers do, of living inside my own head far too often. I glamorize and romanticize things all the time. Especially when things are far away - I tend to get nostalgic and forget about the passage of time or even the fact that there were bad memories as well as good. So seeing TG was a good way to stop doing that. We met up near his apartment and decided to grab dinner since I hadn't eaten. He told me that I looked good and I said "you too" because that's what one says. "Did you even look at me?" he responded. So I did. He was definitely disheveled and not exactly looking at his best. He said he was stressed about the job thing and life and whatnot. He described himself as "broker and fatter." It was kind of sad, actually. We went to dinner - we each paid for our own meal - and talked about things. It was nice to catch up. I didn't feel that insane physical pull towards him that I normally do. That's a problem of mine - if I'm intimate with someone even once, I feel this weird pull towards their body. I'm not touchy-feely in any way, but after I've had sex with someone, I feel this ownership and comfort with their body that makes me very playful. Luckily that didn't happen in this case.

After dinner, he suggested a change of venue so we went to get coffee (he paid). We sat down and just shot the shit and had a really nice convo about all different sorts of things. We're still comfortable with each other and conversation flows with ease, but it wasn't like last time when we both seemed to want to just get it on. He never once mentioned his girlfriend (a courtesy to me, which I appreciated) and it was never inappropriate, at least not in my mind. He kept telling me that I look really great and that NYC seems to agree with me. It's nice to hear that. I miss that - a man telling me I look good. He was always so good about that.

But basically, it's over. I mean, I'm not 100% there yet - especially because my own love life has dried up like a prune. But I don't really want him. I know that he isn't for me and that we're not meant to be together and that it was nice, but it wasn't great. The whole mood of our meeting was just so different. There was a palpable change. I don't think I would've grasped that had I not seen him in person. I needed that sense of closure. So we talk now - every so often. Always initiated by him, but always casual. I think I can deal with it. I think my jealousy is fading, which is good.

Sometimes you have to stare the beast in its face in order to realize that it's not really as bad (or as good) as you thought it was.

holy shit, i've gone a long time without an entry.

Sorry about that - all that travel was crazy. So I promise to update on everything that went down in my boring little life. Headed to Vegas - had a wonderful time, although I didn't have sex with anyone (probs for the best) and was a little skeeved out by the scene. But I looked hot, so whatevs - haha. Went to San Francisco for a whirlwind visit. Good to see everyone, including TG (yeah, I know, Shru... I just couldn't help myself). I will definitely dedicate a whole entry to that. Then I went to DC where I remembered how much I love my best friend and how awesome she is and how awesome my sorority chicks are. I also got to hang out with people from my alma mater, which is always a good time.

Right now I'm tired. And *terrified* of work, because I have soooo much shit that I haven't done yet. It's truly frightening. I'm probably going to get fired. No lie. Okay, time to do some work, some laundry, eat dinner, and watch the final episode of Season 2 of Mad Men. EEEEK! So sad to remove Jon Hamm/Don Draper from my life.

update on TG.

So I'm here in San Francisco and MB is still sleeping, so why not update on the TG situation. Basically he's been in my thoughts so much because he texted me about things going well with his job search (finally). He has an offer, but he's waiting for another one. The other offer is for a NYC-based company. It seems that he won't know about the offer until Mon/Tues, but I think it's going to happen. He's unsure exactly where the job will be, though. His preference is SF, but there's a chance he could be working in NYC and even if he does get the SF job, he will be in NYC for training and may end up working out of that office for long stretches of time. Hence my fear.

I guess I just have problems letting go and I'm not really sure what to do about it. We had a long chat on Friday (he initiated it). He thanked me for being so supportive of him after he got fired, which I appreciate, but also didn't really want to hear. I mean, he has a girlfriend - he should go thank her and leave me alone. It's not my job to take care of him or support him anymore, he has someone for that. I don't run to him with my problems. Sigh - I guess I'm just bitter, but whatever.

Him being in NYC is odd. I mean, do I want to date him again? I don't know. I miss him tremendously, but he also hurt me pretty badly. We're definitely the quintessential odd couple and our relationship was full of issues and problems. I think a lot of it stemmed from him being the first guy I slept with that I cared about and also his issues with losing his job and feeling emasculated by that, etc etc. I just don't know. The thing is - I wanted it one way or the other. I either wanted him to find work in SF - so I could cut him off completely. Or I wanted him in NYC so I could figure out my feelings and move on from there. However, this mish-mosh, 'he may be in both places frequently' thing is not good for my emotional stability. Sigh, I just don't know.

I'm hoping when I get to Vegas, all thoughts of him melt away and there are plenty of attractive men there to distract me. Let's hope.

VEGAS, BABY!!!!!

AHHH leaving tonight at 6:55 pm to meet MB in San Francisco. Then we'll go on to Vegas on Saturday afternoon. I'm so excited. This trip is going to be like a resurrection for me. A chance to relax and forget about stupid shit like TG or work or being unhappy with things. I cannot wait. Then I get to spend some time in SF seeing people, catching up, hanging out. Then off to DC to kick it with the girls. I cannot wait. I know this weekend is going to drain every ounce of strength out of me, but it's going to be fun.

And I have a new camera so I can take lots of scandalous pics. I can't wait to go crazy!

Posting will obviously be pretty erratic. But I'll give you the full update when I get back in a week!

inside the facade.

Okay, I don't even know why I'm writing an entry about this. Probably because College BFF is going to poke my eyes out if I bitch and moan to her anymore. So I have to put it in the blog.

I am totally not over TG. It's been since August - that's like 3 months - and I'm still not over him. Lately I cannot stop thinking about him and it makes me angry and sad. He's been contacting me sporadically - keeping me updated on his job hunt (including a job that may be on the East Coast, near NYC). He sent me a message last night about getting an offer but he didn't say where or with who. All of it is driving me stir-crazy. I can't focus on anything and I keep thinking about him. Keep reminiscing about being with him, about sex with him, things he's said to me, places we've gone, things we've done. Little inside jokes we have and the things he would always say and do for me. I can't stop thinking about it. And whenever I hear about his girlfriend, I get irrationally angry. Like reading about her cooking him dinner (maybe I should really remove him from my twitter). I just felt so sad and upset about all of it. Probably because I'm alone and no one will date me because I'm *insert horrible adjectives here* God, it's depressing. None of the men I've been interested in during the past couple of months has turned out to be anything of substance. I currently have a new crush, but I won't talk about it because I'm afraid of jinxing it/I think it's hopeless anyway.

And so last night, I spent the night drinking vodka, reading Dostoevsky, and feeling sorry for myself - thinking horrible thoughts and reliving old memories. God, I've actually become pathetic. I hate even putting this down on paper because I don't want to feel anything - I just want to numb myself to everything.

All I could keep thinking was why? Why on earth would anyone subject themselves to this feeling? How can people go through this multiple times? I don't understand it. Nothing I've ever felt has been like this. No man has ever made me feel this horrible. Ever. I thought only I had the ability to do this to myself. I don't even want to look for anyone else because I just know that he'll make me feel this way, too. To open oneself up is to be vulnerable and I just don't think I have the stomach for it. Seriously, I spend all my time putting up this front of ice cold steeliness. Well, ladies and gentleman, it's a facade. It's fake. The weakest people put up the strongest fronts and I am definitely a prime example of that.

There's a face that we hide

Til the nighttime appears

And what's hiding inside

Behind all of our fears

Is our true self

Locked inside the facade.

president barack obama.

I really wanted to write this entry last night, but I was so overcome with emotion that I really couldn't do it. I voted yesterday, in person, for the first time. I'd never pulled a lever before and I found it thrilling and exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time. My father and I went to our polling place, my old elementary school, on Long Island. When I was in the booth I was so nervous! I was afraid that something would go wrong and my vote wouldn't count, it wouldn't register, or maybe I'd accidentally vote for the wrong person. So I triple-checked that I'd pulled the lever for Barack Obama, and then I walked out. It was a wonderful feeling.

I spent the evening with my friend Jama. We went to Rockefeller Centre and cheered when Obama's projections soared above McCain's to 103. The feeling of the crowd was electric. So many people were out and about - yelling and cheering when things went well for the Democrats and booing when McCain won anything. After that, we headed back to his apartment to watch the returns since we wanted to hear everything and the crowds were so loud. I was so nervous the whole time - we didn't know if America was going to vote for Barack, if the Bradley effect would happen, or what. But in the end, he won. And I cried. I cried so much because I couldn't believe that it was actually happening. A black man is going to be president. President Barack Hussein Obama - an intelligent, dorky (yes, Barack is a nerd, you know it), well-spoken, confident, black man with a funny name is going to lead the United States of America. I cried because this is something I never thought I'd see. Sure, I didn't grow up during Jim Crow and I've only had minimal run-ins with true racism, but it was just shocking. I thought of my mother - the only black girl in her high school, part of one of those integration programs. I thought of my grandparents, who grew up in the segregated South. I thought of every black man, woman, and child who's ever felt 'less than' because of their race. I thought of Chris Rock, who once quipped in a speech - "When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky." Well times have certainly changed, haven't they?

I still can't even put into words the significance of this election and it's results. When I was growing up, I remember my mother would sit me down and have serious chats with me about my future. "You have three strikes against you and they're going to try and hold you back for your whole life. You're black, you're a woman, and you have a Hispanic last name. You have to jump higher, run faster, and be smarter than everyone else. It's not enough to be good, you have to be great, you have to be the best. No one is going to hand you anything - you are going to have to claw your way to get whatever you desire. Because at the end of the day - no matter how smart you are, no matter how much you've achieved, you're still going to be a nigger. At least in the minds of a lot of people." Those are heavy words to hear as a child, but they've inspired me my whole life. My brothers and I were taught that we were going to have to give more to get less and I've spent my whole life fighting for what I want. And even as successful as I've been thus far, I've still always sensed that there was a limit to that success. For me, seeing Barack Obama take the election just removed some of those limits.

I didn't vote for Obama solely because he is black. To quote Chris Rock again - "I'm proud Barack Obama is running for president. If it was Flavor Flav would I be proud? No." And that, for me, is what makes this so special. America is about to be introduced to a whole new side of blackness that they may have never been exposed to. When some people think of black culture they think of gangsters with bling chains, video hos shaking their butts while having champagne sprayed over them, hip-hop music blasting. But now, we're going to have a First Family that shows a side of blackness that I can identify with. A black family consisting of a mother and father (happily married) with children. Two Ivy-League educated parents, with law degrees, and impressive careers. That's the life I'm trying to build for myself and that's the life I want America to see. That Black people can have that - we can do that and we can do it well. 

When I was a kid, my mother refused to buy anything with a white face on it. I'd ask for things - like once I asked for that picture of the two cherubic angels side-by-side. And my mother got it for me, but they were black angels. I thought it was weird, and for a while, I couldn't understand why she did it. We had a black angel on our Christmas tree and lots of black Santas. After a while, though, I knew exactly why she had done it. It's important to see people that look like you. It's important to know that the world is not whitewashed - there are successful people of all shapes, sizes, and nationalities. I've always struggled with my self-esteem - wondering if I was pretty or if anyone would ever be attracted to me. Because I am not the ideal - I'm not stick-thin, I have boobs, hips, and thighs. I am black, I have dark eyes, super-thick lips, and short hair. I will never be able to toss my hair over my shoulders, I will never fit into a size 2, and I will never be fair of hair or face. And my mother cared enough to make sure that I knew that there were other people out there that looked like me and that they were beautiful and that I should embrace them. I hope that little boys and girls will see Barack, Michelle, Malia, and Sasha Obama and think - that could be me. That is me. I can do that. They are beautiful and whole and happy, and I can be that too. I can go to Columbia, I can go to Harvard, I can be president, I can be whatever I want. That is why this is so important to me.

Lastly, I'm really fucking excited to have a black first lady. Black women are one of the most put-upon groups on this earth. We are either desexualized (mammies taking care of other people's children, Sapphires who castrate our men, snappy sidekicks - the black best friend who's always snapping her fingers and delivering one-liners with no love life of her own) or we're seen as hypersexual gyrating video hos, shaking it for cash. Now we have a strong black woman as first lady - well-educated, beautiful, graceful, classy, but also a wife and a mother. She has a career, a mind of her own, a brain, a loving, devoted husband and two beautiful, well-behaved children. Michelle Obama has given me hope. The hope that all of these things are within my reach. That I can have them. That I don't have to be alone. That I can become a successful attorney who doesn't have to give up a family life for a career. That a black woman can be sexy and smart, with a mind and life of her own.

I am excited at all of the possibilities. I feel energized and invigorated. It truly is the dawn of a new day.

election day 08

I just voted this morning. It was so weird to be behind that curtain (this was the first time I'd ever voted in person at an actual polling place). I was so afraid I was going to mess it up. I checked about 20 times to make sure I'd voted for Obama. I'm really praying that the country goes in that direction. I'm nervous and scared about the effects of racism - not only in stopping him from winning, but in the future. What if he wins and some crazy racist nutjob decides to do something about it or hurt people of color in retaliation? I worry about that a lot. There's a lot of hateful people out there and it's scary.

I would like to post more, but I'm in extreme pain and I can barely breathe so I'm off to do some more work *whip cracks* as I lay in my childhood bedroom and wait until it's time to head back to the city.

maybe god really does want me to get laid...

I *just* got my period today. Normally I would be pissed as all hell that it happened at work, but to be honest, I'm really happy because I thought it was going to happen during Vegas. And I will be damned if I allow my period to ruin my chances at sex for the second cycle in a row. So thank the Lord! It'll be over by Saturday and I can wear my sexy cocktail dresses without being bloated and God willing, be able to snag a man (or men) for the evening (or weekend, I'm flexible - haha). You have no idea how important this trip is to me. I was about ready to take someone's head off when I thought it was going to be ruined.

ANYHOW. Enough about sex. Tomorrow's the election! EEEEK! I'm going home to vote and I'm so excited. I have nerves like whoa, but I'm praying praying praying. 

Okay - work!

i am sick.

It fucking sucks. All I did today was sit on my ass and fall asleep every 10 minutes. I also started reading the True Blood novels and some Dostoevsky. I need to get better before Vegas... Why does this crap always happen to me??

all hollow's eve.

I think I eradicated my hatred of Halloween last night. I had an amazing time - probably the first truly good Halloween in my life. I left work early, got a manicure - my nails are now a beautiful shade of blood red. After that I headed to grab makeup for my costume and then booked it home. Some of the high school peeps came over and we got ready together, handed candy out to trick-or-treaters (apparently people do trick or treat in apartment buildings. who knew?), and then headed out.

We dropped by the parade. It was awesome. It was just so crazy to see SO many people in the streets, dressed up, carousing, having a good time. It was amazing. Some people had some really crazy shit on, too. Haha. But I was literally loving every minute of it.

Then we headed over to the party. If there's anything I love more than a party, it's one thrown by bankers in a penthouse apartment with views of the Empire State Building. Um, I literally wanted to roll a cot in there and start paying rent. It was beautiful, well-decorated, and amazing. The fireplace was a nice touch. I was shocked at how well-furnished it is - I mean, four boys live there - I expected it to be either empty or filled with random furniture. But, it was nice. I had a really good time. Hung out with some more high school kids, met some new people, it was good. I love getting out of my apartment and mingling with the world. Anyhow, it was a lot of fun, I didn't get wasted, I didn't molest any bankers - all in all a pretty good night =)

Now I'm spending this weekend being a hermit and I'm loving it. I plan on staying in tonight, watching a movie and just being dull. I deserve this weekend.