we interrupt this program...

... to bring you the most foolish conversation I've had with a man in a long time. I know I've been gushing about the new one lately (and so far that's still good. really good!), but last night I had the return of the Intellectual, the Jamaican guy I went on that awesome date with and then he disappeared. Well, he's sent Facebook/text messages in the interim, but last night he actually graced me with his presence on AIM and proceeded to ask me some weird/inappropriate questions. Reminder: I've never so much as kissed this man.

So it's around midnight and he IMs me. I'm a pretty nice person (sometimes) so I responded back, figuring he's just saying a friendly hello - although that is pretty weird given our previous history. We start talking about online dating and he mentions that he noticed I switched sites and that he's on the new site as well. Okay. Then he suggests that we read each other's profiles and give each other feedback. That's really odd to me, so I just sort of ignore it. Then he proceeds to ask me a series of questions. The first one is about relationships in the post-Sex and the City world. I answer his question and talk to him about dating for a while. I was bored and waiting for new guy to come back from taking a shower, so I had time to kill. Then he drops this in my lap:

"Has anyone ever spread a sexual rumor about you? If so, would it make any difference to you one way or another whether the rumor was positive or negative whether you got upset?" I thought it was strange, but I just answered it. Little did I know that it was a segue to this lovely question:

" As a woman, you've got breasts, right? You probably don't spend your time thinking, "Hey, I've got breast, and they're on the bigger side." Well, as a guy, you don't actively think about the comparative size of what you do and don't have either. So you can only really get a sense of things through other people's eyes, you know. Anyway, my question is, from your experience talking to your friends, is 10 inches really that big?"

REALLY?! Are you really asking me to comment on the size of your penis. Please note: I said that to him verbatim, well minus the REALLY in capital letters. He replied, "Forget it. It was a stupid question. I just think it's funny."

I just don't understand men. Is he trying to get me to fantasize about his ginormous dick? Or is he really that clueless that he doesn't recognize an inappropriate question in which he sounds like he's fishing for validation? Freshman Year Best Friend thinks he's just desperate and creepy and probably does this to women a lot, Jamz thinks he's sketch, and High School Best Friend thinks he's insecure and dumb. I agree on all counts.

Anyhow I think I will be blocking him so we don't have any more of those conversations. Yes, that sounds good. Just thought I'd share! Haha

excitement.

I am currently in a state of blissful sloth. Vacation is absolutely amazing =) I never want to go back to work. I'm loving spending days lounging around, catching up on reading, magazines, and television shows. It's womderful. I have no overwhelming desire to be social, but I do enjoy seeing old friends and going out to movies. And for the first time in a long time, I'm excited about a boy. I know it'll probably blow up in my face, but it's nice to be talking to someone and connecting. I'm also super nervous about our date (which will probably happen tomorrow). I don't know what to wear or how to look. I hope I'm as charming as I've been over text/e-mail/IM. Even if it doesn't work out to my liking, I'm just happy not to be thinking about the past or obsessing over a certain person. I'm just enjoying this new flirtation and letting life take me where it will. This is a very good thing for me. I need this. Even if it only lasts for a few days.

Okay, time to run errands like whoa - my hair is OOC and I could stand to get my eyebrows and nails taken care of as well.

really?!

Who has a 4 hour text conversation with someone? Really? Honestly? Haha - yes, this morning from like 9 am til 1 pm I chatted with the new guy via text. Unfortunately that can NEVER happen again because he doesn't have Verizon. Grrr. Whatevs. I am happy, though. It was nice =) It doesn't take much to make me happy, seriously.

Anyway, that's all. I'm just being happy.

eeek!

It's either pouring or it's completely dry with me. So I went from like 0 men to 3 potentials right now. I got a text this morning from Mr. Sex in the Car (I am so not creative), asking me when I'm coming back to the city. EEK! I don't know what to do. Do I want to see him? Do I not? Should I see him? Should I not? Do I want to use him for meaningless sex while I'm on my quest for a meaningful relationship? (Upon reading that sentence, I now realize that I am a horrible person and probably should have been born a man) So many things to decide. I mean, if my apartment is free (as in no roomies), I'm seriously tempted to give it another go, if only to christen my new bed, with the knowledge that I can be as loud as I want. Well, that, and I won't have to answer any questions (my roommates don't really know about me yet). Decisions, decisions. However, I am really enjoying talking to this other kid, who writes me witty and clever e-mails that are playful and sexy, but never overly sexual or creepy. It's the perfect balance - very admirable. Hmm, I don't know. We'll see. As a hedonist, I plan on trying to maximize pleasure as I navigate through this situation.

adventures in online dating.

So I continue my see-saw relationship with dating men online. On the one hand, it feels inorganic and confusing to me. It's this huge pre-screening process, no chemistry involved (well, not until you meet) and you never know if the men are sketch, or players, or married. On the other hand, though, it is nice to filter through people and I honestly believe that meeting a man online is no different than meeting a man at a bar. Either one could be batshit insane or worse. And on the bright side, it makes me feel like I'm taking action in finding a permanent mate. That and all of the crazy success stories I've heard. So I'm back online (using Match) and so far it's been okay.

Things are picking up now - I've been talking to one guy for a little bit and he just asked me out. I think I like him - he has a good sense of humor (thus far) and he likes to tease and I like that. Wondering if he has a black girl fetish, though. Haha - I always wonder that, which is odd, because most people think I have a white boy fetish. He's also closer to my age, which is good. I like older, but I don't really know if older is what I need in my life riht now. So I'll see if he's free early next week when I'm back in the city and we can get drinks and hopefully not have sex in the backseat of his car. Cuz, ya know, I think I'm giving that up for New Years. Then there's another guy I've been talking to, but we're not at the 'let's go out' stage yet. We shall see. We shall see.

Hopefully all of this will spark up a lot of dating in the coming year. I really do need to put myself out there more. I think it can only help.

Christmas 2008!

I am immersed in television this Christmas. We had a pretty nice holiday this year - now that people are getting older, we don't get up at 5 am to open presents anymore. I was able to sleep until 9 am, thankfully. I got a lot of really good things, even though it was a smaller Christmas than usual. The best part is being completely and totally lazy. I've watched Gilmore Girls, The Office, Arrested Development, and I plan on watching some Mad Men as well. I'm just laying in bed, snug as a bug in a rug =)

I'm also currently obsessed with relationships. Like, on-screen ones. I'm remembering the whole Luke-Lorelai-Christopher triangle in Gilmore Girls and I'm loving Pam and Jim's cute office flirtation. Maybe I can just live my life vicariously through television shows. That sounds like fun.

I'm trying to figure out when to go back to the city. I'm thinking Sunday. I figure tomorrow will be a big day - hanging out with the friends. That leaves all-day Saturday and most of Sunday to clean my room, go through the boxes I had shipped here from San Francisco, and help my mom put some shit up on ebay/Craigslist. Then I still get a whole week to myself in my Manhattan apartment. Lovely!

I'm looking forward to New Years Eve. I think it's going to be a ton of fun. =)

Merry Christmas!

christmas eve!

Today was nuts - ran around wayyy too much doing last minute shopping (the only kind I ever do!). Apologies if I freaked anyone out yesterday - just a weird mood. You all know that I'm practically borderline bipolar and the holidays make everyone wonky. I'm feeling better now and I'm ready for Christmas!

Went to church tonight for the first time in God knows how long. I always end up getting bored in church and thinking about things I shouldn't be, but I'm not gonna lie - it soothes me to be in church. I really do like it when I go.

I also just watched some Gilmore Girls eps and I'm like crying from them - haha. I love that show so much! It was just so good. Anywho, Merry Christmas to all!

have you ever thought that life is just too hard?

I'm in some strange mood right now, but I just feel like life is too difficult. It's all too difficult. This is what happens when I am left alone with my thoughts - I start to analyze things too much and I get all nervous and worried. So that's where I am now. Life is too difficult. It's next to impossible. I don't even know what I want to do. I should probably talk to College BFF, but obvs not tonight because it's late and also because I'd like to process this and not just cry to her on the phone. I don't even know why I'm feeling this way. I just feel like everything is too difficult. Trying to have it all is too difficult - job, men, friends, apartment, clothing, life. Sigh, I don't even know. All I know is that this is rambly and I apologize for it. I'm also missing TG like crazy and wish I had him to talk to. I mean, I know I do have him to talk to - he's always made it clear that he will be there for me as a friend if and when I need it, but I just don't think I'm ready for that. Because while I'd love to open up to him about all my insecurities and everything, there's parts of me that know it's a bad idea. (1) because I don't want him to think that I want to hear about his relationship and (2) I hate admitting that I'm slightly unhappy or that I miss him or that I value his opinion. Yes, I'm a stubborn bitch and I know it, but I was born this way and I'm likely to die this way as well.

Oh well. All I can do is hold my breath and hope that it passes with time. Things should get better, I'm hoping.

love the holidays...

I think one of the best things about the holidays is being reunited with friends and family. While most of my close high school friends live in NYC or Long Island, I still rarely get to see them because of law school or med school or work or busy schedules. So I'm really happy that this holiday season I'll get to see everyone once again. Sometimes I forget why I came back to NYC and I feel guilty about not making it out in CA or whatever (not that that was ever really the plan, but still...). And then I see my friends and I remember why. Because as life-changing and wonderful an experience as SF was, practically all of my support system was living on the East Coast, including my family. And while I'm still not 100% sure that I'll live in New York forever as I once thought I would, I'm still really excited to be here right now.

I always forget how many people long to live in Manhattan in their 20s - to be young, free and single in one of the most captivating cities on Earth. Remembering it now makes me want to take advantage - to do as much as I can. My job is not crazy demanding and I still have my youth and I need to make the most out of my time here. Who knows what the next few years will bring? I could go to law school in California or DC or CT and so I need to make this time memorable.

I came home today - to my parents' house - and I'm loving being back. The whole family is here and it's chill and relaxing and nice. I'm looking forward to two solid weeks of planning for 2009, getting my shit together, and hanging out with friends and family. So exciting!

new years.

As a person who's main goal in life is to become fully self-actualized, New Years is always an exciting time for me. I just love it! Plain and simple. Everything feels fresh and new and you have a whole new year to make new mistakes, fix old ones, set goals, and plan your life. I live for that kind of thing. I've started formulating my lists and I'm not quite done yet, but I want to take a different approach this year to living. I want to set some pretty hefty goals for the year - big benchmarks that I'd like to hit - and then I'd like to break it down into quarterly goals that will all lead up to the bigger ones. I think this approach will be easier than my previous way of doing things. We all know how much I love lists =)

I'm feeling a little strange, knowing that I have two weeks of empty time on my hands and I don't want to waste it. I'd like to read as much as possible, go through the boxes that are currently residing in my parents' house, and start figuring out how to make shit happen for myself in the new year. I'm still not where I want to be and knowing that I'll be turning 25 in less than two years makes me really anxious to get started now.

in which i am horribly promiscuous...

So um yeah... this is the story of my life. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it seems like I always think I'm going to find happiness or the secret to a good life in some random guy's pants. Honestly, maybe if I just kept my legs closed for half a minute, I'd be able to function like a normal human being. Okay, that was wayyyy harsh, but it's true. I think this was the first - no wait, second - time that I've had a sexual experience that left me less than happy with myself.

Rundown in detail: We met up at this cute little French restaurant that he picked out. He was running late - 20 minutes late. Then he got there and it was cool - way less awkward than I thought. We talked about lots of things - our interests, our family histories. He's from Romania, like born there, came here around age 15. He has an accent and he's very Slavic. It was really nice - dinner was good, I got a steak - we shared our dishes with each other. He also ordered a whole bottle of wine for us to share. I liked how masculine he is - it's attractive. So yeah, I was pretty drunk by the time we'd both finished our meals. He paid - it was actually the best execution of paying for a girl that I've ever seen. He flagged the waiter over and asked for the check. When he saw the waiter coming with it, he pulled his wallet out and got out his credit card and handed it to the waiter before the guy could even put the check on the table. I didn't even have to offer! Then he asked if I wanted to go to a bar. I said yes, since it was still early. So we went in and he orders drinks. I feel guilty about our $100+ dinner, so I pay for the first round. Then, as soon as I was done, he flags the bartender and orders another round before I can even open my mouth. After that, I told him I couldn't drink anymore. 

So we're just sitting there talking when , all of a sudden, out of the blue, he kisses me. I was just like dumbfounded. I guess I hadn't expected the date to end like that. So I tell him I should leave cuz I have to get to work. Basically, I just didn't wanna make out in the middle of a bar. I may be trashy, but I'm not that trashy. Well, maybe I'm that trashy at a club, but at a bar - no. So we go outside and he starts kissing me again. He's basically got me pressed up against the outside wall of the bar and his hands are wandering, and he's got a full-on erection. I was like - umm, wow. So I decide that we need another venue change, so I ask him where he parked his car. We walk there and get in and he shockingly doesn't touch me, he just starts driving me back to my place. So we get there and he pulls over and starts kissing me, but we're like in the middle of the street. So I tell him to pull over, which he does, and we start parking and going at it high-school style in the front seat of his car.

His hands start wandering and pretty soon it's clear that we're going to be doing more than making out. We try and make the front seat work, but it's difficult - I'm on his lap, but it's all awkward, so he suggests moving to the back. I'm down with that and we get in the backseat and start aggressively hooking up. So much so that I lost one of my acrylic nails - it just got pulled clean off. My shoes are off and he's somehow gotten me out of my tights and underwear and he's on top of me. I ask him if he has condoms, which he does, and he puts one on and we start having sex. We end up stopping cuz it's really hard to do in the car and at that point I'm slightly mortified with what's going on, so I tell him that I need to get back to my apartment. He helps me collect my shoes, tights, underwear, and headband, and I go back to my apartment commando (I'm sorry, but it's a pain in the ass to put on tights in your ROOM, much less in a car). So yeah, that was that. He facebook friended me last night - how he found me, I have no idea. I didn't give him a last name or anything. Sigh.

I don't even know what to do. I just can't believe how trampy I can be sometimes. Jamz and Freshman Year Best Friend say it's okay (of course they would - they're men), but I'm just really feeling very odd about it. I mean, the date was really good before the hook-up. I liked talking to him - I think he's interesting and had an interesting life and he was very attentive and the masculine thing turns me on like whoa. But it's like - why couldn't I just have kept it at a kiss? Why the need to get so physical? It's pathological. I'm pathological. I seriously must have some serious issue - self-esteem or whatever. I just don't get it. I don't have Daddy issues - my father is amazing. But for some reason I end up doing these things for inexplicable reasons. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I don't know. 

Now it's all complicated because I don't know if I should try and contact him or what. I mean, I had a good time and wouldn't mind seeing him again, but I just feel like I started off wrong foot forward. Blerg.

wednesday night is date night?

Haha - well, it is for me. I have a date tonight and I'm feeling all kinds of weird about it. The last date I had was absolutely amazing, wonderful, and gave me that awesome glowy feeling afterward. And then he totally disappeared, except for the random facebook/text messages I get from him. Lovely. So now I have a date with this new guy - I've yet to give him a name. He's 29, Eastern European by birth, but lived in the States for 13 years. He works and goes to school part-time and he used to DJ and likes the Yankees. Sounds okay so far.

We'll see. I'm afraid I'll act like an idiot or a slut. However, I'm leaning moreso toward acting like an idiot because I'm too ill to be slutty. I hate dating. HATE HATE HATE it. I just hope this goes well and that he's normal and that he likes me and that he's not all weird or freaky or clingy or aloof. Just nice and normal. Cuz I need nice and normal. I hope he thinks I'm pretty =\ or at least not ugly. I'm just ready to be done with all of this.

Note: I'm sorry if I sound like I'm going to throw myself off a cliff. I'm just not feeling well. I need this vacation like you wouldn't believe.

somehow i think it's all going to be all right...

Ever since I've graduated from college, life has been topsy-turvy. Many times I feel like things are never, ever going to be settled and that I'll always be fumbling and scrambling for order and happiness. I feel like two things happened in the past year that have changed me and forced me to look at myself in a different light. First, the whole blood clot thing. And second, entering and subsequently ending my first (semi) adult relationship. Both of those things have hardened me in ways I never thought I could be hardened, but have also taught me important lessons that I needed to learn.

Post-blood clot, I see changes in myself. I worry more about death, my body is weaker than it once was, I am forced to face the fact that I am not invincible and that there are certain things I cannot and should not do. I can't drink the way I used to, I can't party the way I used to, and I will be dependent on a series of meds, doctor visits, and bloodwork for a long time. And it's irked me greatly. I just feel like I've lost a bit of my shine. I used to be so much fun. Honestly. I would go out and I would have a good time and I was the life of the party and it was crazy. But, I'm not really like that anymore. Maybe part of it is growing up, but it seems to me like most of it is the illness and my fear and my body's rejection of stress and strain. I hate it. It makes me feel inadequate. Sometimes I think about what I do on a weekly basis and I cannot recognize the girl in the mirror. I mean, really, what happened to drinking everyone under the table, dancing everyone under the table, and shamelessly flirting whenever possible? I don't do those things anymore and it pisses me off, quite frankly.

Then, there's TG. He opened me up to possibilities that I didn't think existed. That I could be close to a man, that I could enjoy sharing a bed with a man, that cuddling was a good thing. All things I never believed in prior. However, there was also the bad - the mistrust, secrets, power struggles. Being with him was strange as well, because I stopped viewing myself as a free agent. I've been single all my life. Unlike girls who have string upon string of boyfriends, men were never really into me in that way. Probably a survival mechanism for them, but it just sort of taught me that I need to be comfortable with being alone. Which I was/am. Alone is my default setting. With him it was different - I was no longer free to do as I pleased. I stopped flirting with strange men, stopped accepting drinks, stopped looking for men when I was out. Most nights when I was out clubbing, I'd be more likely to be digging for my cell phone to text TG than to be out on the dance floor with some guy. And now, even with him out of the picture, I still haven't reverted back to my flirtatious, single-girl ways. I'm wary of approaching men, I'm shyer than I was pre-TG and I'm just flat-out scared. So I avoid men and instead retreat to the safety of my friends. I keep to my tight social circle and I don't branch out. I haven't picked a man up in God knows how long. Even my dating life has been dull. I think I've had two dates and one hookup since I moved back to NYC. It's pathetic. You might as well slap spinster on me now.

But then, there are times when I can feel the tide turning. When I become a bit of my old self. Like last night - our company holiday party. It was one of the first times I let loose in a long time. Just dancing for hours with one of my best friends - being as crazy as I wanted to be. Drinking what I wanted to drink. Just not giving a fuck. I love moments like that, when the old me slips out of her hiding place, even just for a little while. I mean, I haven't really solved the man problem yet, but I've got a date tomorrow and I'm trying. I'm really trying. Maybe good things will happen to me. Just maybe.

slooooow day.

Work is agonizingly slow today. I literally have next to nothing to do and tonight is the holiday party, so I want to peace out early to run some errands beforehand. I'm wearing a borrowed dress, so I need to find appropriate shoes and I need a toy for a tot and some wine for when Jama and I pre-game. SO MUCH TO DO. Hopefully other people leave early so I don't feel guilty. I also have to shower. GAH! I'm so far behind.

Anyhow, life is uninteresting right now. So that's all. Hopefully I'll have more to post about tomorrow.

strange weekend.

This weekend was so odd - I don't know why. It was good having College BFF here for a bit - she was there to keep me company for my party, since most of my friends couldn't attend. Today I cleaned up from the party and ran errands. Outside of that, I've been watching a lot of television and doing some reading. I'm looking forward to having two weeks off for the holidays. I just have to get through this week.

I'm looking forward to the New Year. Now that I'm not in school anymore, January really is beginning to feel like the start of a new year, a fresh beginning. It used to be that fall had that connotation for me, but now that I am in the "real world" it's different. I'm ready for the changes that I need to make in my life, although I'm so scared. Of what, I'm not really sure. Maybe I'm afraid that I'm not going to be happy or that I'll always feel like something is off, but I'm hoping to shake that fear.

A whole bunch of stuff happened with TG recently, but oddly enough, I don't feel like talking about it or dwelling on it. I've had other things on my mind lately. To keep it short and sweet, he's just been contacting me a lot more and wanting to talk for hours and saying some borderline inappropriate things (one of which was in reference to my chest). It's really odd, but I don't really have much to say on the matter. I guess I don't really care. Hmm, how about that?

My goal today is to really get a good crack at my list and handle all of my business before tomorrow morning. I just have to get through 5 days and then it's home free for the next two weeks. =)

for once i don't feel like writing.

Work is super boring today. Boring like I could do everything I have to do today in the span of an hour and bounce at 2 pm. However, I've decided that I'm going to stay til 4 and then go home for some tea, relaxation, cleaning, and movie watching. I think College BFF is coming today, but I'm not sure. Maybe tomorrow. Who knows? I'll have to check in with her.

I'm still sick and feeling less than my best. I probably made it worse by being out in the rain last night, but I had a great time at the play. I haven't been in a black box theatre since I graduated from school and I enjoyed the play a lot and it was nice to see Charly.

So, the super-busy boy that I was supposed to see last week has resurfaced and he still wants to go out. I'm super excited and hopefully I'll be the perfect picture of health by then and we'll have a good time. This weekend promises to be full of activity and not relaxing at all, which is kinda sad, but also good for me. Tonight will be the only night I stay in. Tomorrow = cleaning, party shopping, cleaning, eyebrow threading with BFF. Then, we'll have our party at night. Sunday, I'm seeing a movie with Jama and showing him pivot tables. Then I have a phone date with a sorority sister and I'm making mac and cheese for a potluck in Brooklyn. I will so not be getting any rest this weekend. 

winding down.

Things at work are pretty slow right now, which is nice. Everyone's gearing up for the holiday and people are getting ready to take vacation. There's basically one week and one day before we have two weeks off and I couldn't be more excited. Today I've spent tooling around. Went to a meeting this morning for staffing. Then since a friend and I got kicked out of the big all hands (room was over capacity), we went and had an hour long lunch. It was so nice to catch up with her and bounce ideas off of her. Men have been stressing me out lately and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I mean, I love my friends (all of you! really!), but I have this thing going on that I'm keeping *very* secret. As in, I'm not blogging about it (don't wanna jinx it) and none of my close friends know. It'll probably blow over and be nothing, but I'm not comfortable talking about it until I know for sure. So right now I'm only telling a few people who aren't close to me because that makes it feel less serious to me.

Anyhow, I'm having a good day. And I'm excited about tonight! I get to see Charly and we're going to dinner and a play, which will be so nice! I haven't seen her/a show in forever and I actually know the person that wrote this play. So that's pretty cool. Then it's the weekend! I cannot wait. College BFF will be here and we're going to have an excellent time!

a relaxing evening.

Switching it up a bit and updating from home. For the past two days, I've gone into work around 9 am and left around 2 or 3 pm due to my sickness. Today looks to be pretty productive. I've managed to get started on some laundry and I made dinner again and I took a nap. I also read some more Twilight and some more of The Idiot. I'm feeling pretty good. I've stayed away from the internet, stayed away from talking to/thinking about TG (well... mostly - I guess I just thought about him now). Even had a nice chat with my roommate and watched several episodes of 30 Rock and Arrested Development. Plans for the rest of the night include catching up on TiVo, watching Annie Hall, cleaning my room and kitchen.

I'm having a breakthrough of sorts, mostly fueled by magazines and journaling. I want something more from my life. I have just realized that I'm not living out my full potential in any way and I've been settling on so many different fronts. Going after this job is step one on that path. Cleaning my room and making my home livable is step two. Step three would be finding a man that I think is worthy of me, who treats me well, and is clear in his intentions. That's going to be the hardest part.

I know I've said this before, but I think the time to put TG past has come. He's visiting NYC for a week in January, but I don't care. He's staying in NJ (I'm presuming with his girlfriend, who is a MA student and will be on vacation) and I don't care if I see him or if I don't. As College BFF asked, "What does he add to your life?" And the answer is "Nothing. Well, nothing but drama, and I don't need that." I can't hate him, thoughI'm still sort of jealous that he's in a relationship and that he's always in a relationship. While I, for some reason, am never in a relationship. However, I've always believed that God is looking out for me and I trust that He'll find someone for me, when the time is right. Which I'm guessing isn't now. If He could provide someone to take care of my sexual needs, that would be awesome, but I suppose beggars can't be choosers =) (omg, I'm going to hell). I'm in New York City, one of my favorite places on Earth, and I'm 23 years old, and I'm young and I'm smart and I don't look like a troll. I need to enjoy my life.

smattering of updates.

So much has been going on lately, so I have some random updates. Came home yesterday, picked up my mail, only to find a card from TG. It was a Christmas card with a picture of two cats getting into Christmas mischief (boy knows I love cats) and he wrote a short message inside. I'm not going to lie. It was sweet. It made me think of all the little sweet things he would do for me, which is SO not helping me out right now. He always sent me cute links and pictures (even sending me a picture a day the whole time he was in Europe) and noticed when I wore new shoes or changed my hair or my purse. Le sigh. If I ever date again, I hope the new person does shit like that. I really liked it. It made me feel wanted. But anyhow, I'm not dwelling. I'm not dwelling.

Met with one of my old teammates yesterday about the job transfer and it went well. The rotation program still hasn't figured out it's shit, so I don't know if I can 'opt out,' but my colleague was super excited that I was interested. She was like jumping for joy. Obvs she can't promise me anything, but considering that 75% of the committee has worked with me, that's a good sign. Also, she would be my direct manager. But, again - I'm not getting my hopes up, I'm just going to apply and see where the chips fall. My old boss also encouraged me to apply, which was nice.

I'm so nervous about our party this weekend. I hate sending out facebook invites because no one replies to them and then it looks like negative 21 people are going to your party. HAHA. So I'm freaking out a bit because most of my besties can't come, but I've already heard some accepts from people over IM/e-mail. Grrrr. We'll see. I'm nervies! At least College BFF is coming up for it. The two of us could have a party by ourselves - loves it!

So yeah, that's life thus far.

first week's progress.

So, as you all know I decided to try and see if I could make some small improvements to my life for the month of December. Since I don't have much to say today, I figured I might as well check in on how that's going.

Socially, I think I'm doing a pretty good job. Last week I had a night out with my roommates, then on Friday I did happy hour with the work chicas, followed by barhopping with my little sister. Then, on Saturday, I went to Alison's birthday party.

Appearance-wise, I got my hair, nails, and brows done. So I don't look like a hot mess. I bought a dress for my holiday party, a dress for New Years, and a new going out outfit.

Where I've failed miserably would be fitness/eating healthy and keeping my room clean. My room still looks like shit and I need to clean out the fridge in the kitchen and buy toilet paper. Ughhhh. Also, laundry *must* be done today or I'm going to be wearing bathing suit bottoms for underwear tomorrow. Lastly, I need to stop eating pizza, start cooking real dinner, and drag my ass to the gym. If I can make those small improvements this week, that would be fabulous. But, I guess I'm doing well on the whole.

this is just getting to the point where it's laughable.

So I know I shouldn't even post this, especially because I'm all about moving on with my life right now, etc etc, but honestly TG will just not go away. However, instead of pissing me off and making me sad, it's just making me laugh. I'm almost like - how long can this ridiculous drama play itself out? I'm really curious. So he messages me the other day and he's like:

"I just wrote my boss an e-mail asking to come out to the new york office for a week saying I would provide my own accommodations if they covered my flight"

Umm, does that mean you want to stay with me when you're out here in NYC? Because if I recall correctly, your little girlfriend wasn't comfortable with me staying at your place when I was in SF. AND she wasn't even your girlfriend at the time. So please tell me what's changed? Cuz I'm curious.... Of course I didn't say any of this. I just said "oh that's nice" or something to that effect. If this guy wants to stay with me, he's going to have to man up and ask me because I'm not offering. And when/if he does ask, I'm totally going to go off on him and ask him exactly those questions mentioned earlier. Because that shit is bananas. So I'll keep you posted on the follow-up with that.

Then, I get an IM from him on AIM (where I've deleted his SN and we never talk there anymore)

him: you should see how clean my room is :-P

Which led to a 20 minute chat. Sigh. Life is comical sometimes. We'll see how things go. I also may have another date this week. But, we'll see. I'm kinda busy already, so I don't know when I'd squeeze this guy in. More details later!

follow up on the job drama.

So I talked to my manager yesterday and told him that I was interested in this new position and he responded very favorably. Thank God! I think I'm too meek in so many aspects of my life. I mean, I meet with him every week, but I would never say I was unhappy or anything because what's the point? I don't intend to do this forever, so it makes no sense to bitch and moan about something that can't be helped. 

I think the biggest problem with my job at present moment is that I'm a part of a rotational program. We are placed in 9-month rotations through HR. We have some choice in these rotations, but we're also governed by the program. So the job mobility that other folks in the organization have isn't always open to us because we have the added step of having to go through the program. I hate to say this, but the current economic crisis is actually working in my favor. Since the organization is shifting, they'll probably be focusing more on business need. A year ago, if I had asked to move out of my role, I would've been met with a resounding NO. The program would've said no - I signed the letter saying I was in the program and I had to stay in it. Now, however, they need more people in these other positions, and so they're more flexible about letting us out. Which is good for my situation.

I spoke to the program advisor yesterday and she seems in favor. I just have to send her an e-mail detailing exactly what I want to do and why. She'll talk to the director to see if I can apply for the job. Apparently, I'm not the only rotational associate who wants out. Then I can send my resume on for the other two positions and see if they want me. All of this could be moot. My old team may not want me back, yada yada, but I still have to try. So we'll see how it goes!

Oh, Happy Repeal Day! 75 years ago, Prohibition was repealed! Let the party begin! =)

the job.

So, as most of you know, I'm currently working in a job that's very difficult for me. I mean, the job itself isn't hard - exactly the opposite - it's super easy, totally administrative, with little to no visibility. Yesterday I got an e-mail from my old manager, announcing a bunch of new positions that are opening up. And on that list is my dream job - coordinating the performance review process. I worked very heavily on that in California, but this job would be working on it full time. The job is also in California. However, also on that list was another job, similar to it, in the NYC office. Either way, I want one of those jobs. So now I'm panicking. I have a week to submit my resume. They're due next Wednesday. I meet the requirements and everything, but there's some major things I have to do/problems that could arise.

1. Would I move back to California? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. I mean, I want the job and I'm unsure about law school happening next year depending on the economy. I'm applying for sure, but deferring is definitely not off of the table. I would prefer the NYC job because it would be less upheaval, but I'm wayyy more qualified for the CA one. 

2. I have a lot of people I need to speak with. I need to meet with my manager, I should talk to some of my old teammates, I may have to speak to the program. I have a LOT of work to do in a short period of time. I also wonder if I was offered the position that I want (the CA one), if I couldn't work it out so I could do it remotely. I mean, I have the experience - I've helped run the process for 2 cycles and I'm more than willing to spend large chunks of time in CA - as long as I don't have to actually live there.

3. Will the program let me take the job? I'm part of a rotation program that doesn't seem to want anyone to opt out of it. The program could block my movement.

4. How will this look to my team? It's no secret that I'm not socially engaged with my team, but I'm so nervous about talking to my manager. He's a sweetheart, but it feels so odd to me to be like - I feel unfulfilled and I want out. But I have to do it. This is for me.

CRAZINESS.

the doctor said i got blood clots but i ain't jamaican, man

I have an OB/GYN appointment today. Those things are always awful. Getting naked for a doctor to inspect your ladyparts - grrr. I'm always conflicted about it - like, should I shave beforehand? Does it really matter? Then they try and make idle chatter with you while they're feeling you up. Although they always tell me I have nice breast tissue. HAHA. They say it's easy to tell for lumps cuz it's so smooth - omglol, I am too much.

Unfortunately, I just got my period, so I don't even know if I can see the doctor. But, I need to talk to her anyway. Ever since I had the blood clot, I've been off birth control and I need to know my options. I've always hated hormonal birth control, but now I have to deal with the consequences of not being able to take it, which sucks. I think the IUD is going to be the best option, but we'll see if there are other pills that I can take. I just don't want to have to worry about this. Not that I'm liable to have sex anytime soon. I think the sex gods hate me. Honestly. It really sucks. I told College BFF I was going to hire a prostitute soon if things don't start looking up. Okay, this is drifting in an odd direction. Point is: I just need to figure out how to go through life as a (selectively) promiscuous girl who can't use the pill, the patch, or the shot. 

I'll report back!

traditions.

This is my second Christmas away from "home" - and by that I mean, I'm no longer living at my parents' home for the holidays. I'll go back for Christmas Day (and probably a little before then), but for the most part I'm out of the house and it's time to start my own holiday traditions. Given my mother's penchant for buying shit she doesn't need, she happened to possess three trees this year. I convinced her to give me one, instead of her putting up three trees for a home containing four people. That's a little absurd.

Last night, I set about setting up my tree. I decorated it myself - the color scheme is green, gold, red, and silver. I put up about 150 ornaments on an 8 foot tree, all the while humming Christmas songs and drinking my new favorite Christmas drink - 1 shot vodka, 1 shot creme de menthe, topped off with cream. Deelish!

The whole time I kept thinking about traditions and family and home. Right now I feel like I have no proper home. I mean, I love my apartment and my roommates and things are going well, but it's not quite "home" yet. Then there's my parents' house, which isn't quite "home" anymore, either. I'm a single, unattached black female, and sometimes I feel like I'm homeless. Decorating and starting my own tradition, with my own tree and decorations really made me want a family. I know I'm nowhere near being ready to settle down - there's still so much to do, a law degree to obtain, a future to plan - but, I still feel compelled and drawn towards that option. I want nothing more than to start a family, with lots of little children, whom I can share my traditions with. I guess I just want something that's my own. I share my apartment, I share my bathroom, and I live 37.5 miles away from the house I grew up in.

I've decided it's time to create a home for myself - it may not be a home with a husband, children, and a cat - but I should have something that's uniquely mine. I have to carve a place for myself - it's definitely important to me. I guess I just need to create my own traditions.

future? what future?

Considering that I'm kind of unhappy workwise right now (between getting strong-armed into volunteering for something AND getting bitched out via e-mail today by an engineer), it's given me plenty of incentive to think about what I want to do with my life. Oddly enough, I'm still unsure. I mean, I know I want a law degree, but I don't know if I want to be a lawyer. Well, I guess I've never really wanted to be a lawyer, but rather an agent with a degree. I really just want to work with actors in a non-creative capacity and make tons of money doing it. But, then I also think of other goals I have in my life. I've wanted to live overseas for a long time. I wonder if I'll ever get the chance to do that. Right now it seems unlikely, but who knows where it'll take me. I also really like event planning and project management. Running an inn has always appealed to me, but I think that would be something I'd do later in life. I also have this creative gene in me - the writer bursting to get out - that I'd like to nurture and indulge, but it seems like I never make time for it. Sigh. 

I just feel directionless right now. The economy scares me, my parents are scaring me, and I just don't know what to do. I guess all I can do is just keep on, mail in my applications, see what happens, and go from there. I hate feeling powerless.