i don't feel like myself.

I can't do this 'being sick' shit - it's totally fucking with my head. I just feel so blah. I want to change something. Do something drastic. Of course I can't think of anything to change, so instead I'm just moping around and coughing. I don't know what's up with me, but I am sick of things right now. I guess now that I'm starting to think about my future and what I want, it's making me antsy and nervous and dissatisfied. Sooo not healthy, but I cannot help it.

I guess I just have to get over things and figure out what I need to do in order to get what I want. Well, first I suppose I should figure out what it is that I want. This is probably the first New Year that I don't have any game plans for how I want the year to be better. I don't know why, but it seems like I just didn't have time for it. So maybe now is the time to focus on that.

I'd really like to just disappear for a while, work my shit out, and then come back better and stronger. I have so many goals I want to accomplish and a vision of the woman I'd like to be and it seems I've lost sight of those dreams. I think I need to take a new approach to my life in New York. I need to treat it as though I'm moving here from Bumblefuck, Ohio and I don't know a soul. I've been treating New York like it's home (and in a way it is), but that means that I don't seek out new experiences or explore the city the way that I should. I don't know if I've learned anything about myself in the past 7 months that I've been here and that's very problematic. I've had some excellent memories and it's been so wonderful to reconnect with people, but I feel like I haven't done much for myself and that has got to change.

Somehow I have to put the wheels in motion.