update on the date.

So last night, the Intellectual came over. I was hella nervous beforehand - I kept on hoping he would cancel, jokingly inviting friends to come over with me, hyperventilation. You know, the usual. He was a bit late because he got lost in my complex, but then he came over. I was all alone in the apartment - I think Roomie was working late or something. I was a little nervous. I wore the same outfit I'd worn when I went out with MM - jeans and my fave short-sleeved blue top. We immediately set about deciding what to eat (I was starving) and picked Chinese from my fave place. I gave him the grand tour of the apartment. He really wanted to see my family, so I showed him some pics my brothers had put up on Facebook. Then the food came and we sat down at the kitchen table and ate it. While I was setting up, Roomie came home, said her hellos and then popped out to go to the gym. She made small-talk with us and a few jokes (omg I love Roomie! haha) and then ran out.

We sat down and ate and talked about race and our upbringing and our friends. He remembers so much about the things I've told him - stories about my friends and boys and all kinds of things. I'm shocked by it sometimes. I feel like I talk too much when I'm with him, but that's because he goads me on to keep talking, talking, talking. I know I should ask him more questions, but I don't. HAHA. After that, we decided on a movie and he suggested we get under the covers of my bed and watch it (hi, scandalous). 

So we started snuggling and watching the movie. After a while, he started putting the moves on me and we ended up hooking up. I stuck with the everything-but game plan. And he's good - really good. Surprisingly good, but I guess he is 28 and experienced and all of that. So after we were both finished, we cuddled and watched the movie. Okay, first of all. His chest is like a frickin WALL. It was incredibly rock hard and solid. He's built like nobody's business. Six-pack abs - check. He even has those pelvic bones. Ya know what I mean - the solid definition around the waist. I really just wanted him to stand naked in my bedroom while I ogled him. That's how hot he is. Second of all, he is definitely the biggest guy I've ever been with. I am totally frightened. We didn't have sex - he hadn't brought any condoms over and I certainly didn't have any that would fit him. I also really didn't want to. So we just hooked up the one time and it was good.

I'm conflicted. The whole time after we hooked up I was just so weird. I felt cold inside. I didn't want to snuggle or cuddle or anything. I didn't want to give off any impression to him that this was more than a sexual thing. I pretty much moved myself away from him and watched the movie and feigned tiredness. I just worry that he may be a little too into this. He kept going on and on about how fascinating he thinks I am, etc etc. I just don't want to hear all of that. He texted me last night saying how fun it was to hang out and saying he hopes I have a nice day today and a good weekend with my friend. Sigh. I have yet to reply.

So this is me. This is the real me. Deathly afraid of male attention and scared shitless of the prospect of a relationship. Being a commitmentphobe is so difficult.