We sat down and ate and talked about race and our upbringing and our friends. He remembers so much about the things I've told him - stories about my friends and boys and all kinds of things. I'm shocked by it sometimes. I feel like I talk too much when I'm with him, but that's because he goads me on to keep talking, talking, talking. I know I should ask him more questions, but I don't. HAHA. After that, we decided on a movie and he suggested we get under the covers of my bed and watch it (hi, scandalous).
So we started snuggling and watching the movie. After a while, he started putting the moves on me and we ended up hooking up. I stuck with the everything-but game plan. And he's good - really good. Surprisingly good, but I guess he is 28 and experienced and all of that. So after we were both finished, we cuddled and watched the movie. Okay, first of all. His chest is like a frickin WALL. It was incredibly rock hard and solid. He's built like nobody's business. Six-pack abs - check. He even has those pelvic bones. Ya know what I mean - the solid definition around the waist. I really just wanted him to stand naked in my bedroom while I ogled him. That's how hot he is. Second of all, he is definitely the biggest guy I've ever been with. I am totally frightened. We didn't have sex - he hadn't brought any condoms over and I certainly didn't have any that would fit him. I also really didn't want to. So we just hooked up the one time and it was good.
I'm conflicted. The whole time after we hooked up I was just so weird. I felt cold inside. I didn't want to snuggle or cuddle or anything. I didn't want to give off any impression to him that this was more than a sexual thing. I pretty much moved myself away from him and watched the movie and feigned tiredness. I just worry that he may be a little too into this. He kept going on and on about how fascinating he thinks I am, etc etc. I just don't want to hear all of that. He texted me last night saying how fun it was to hang out and saying he hopes I have a nice day today and a good weekend with my friend. Sigh. I have yet to reply.
So this is me. This is the real me. Deathly afraid of male attention and scared shitless of the prospect of a relationship. Being a commitmentphobe is so difficult.