change.

I have an unhealthy obsession with change. I crave it all the time, yet I'm also afraid of it. I keep thinking lately about where I want to live and what I want to do with my life, but I don't have too many answers. I just feel like I haven't seen enough yet, haven't done enough. I know I'm only 23, but it just feels like there's no time. I feel like I could spend my whole life exploring and growing and trying new things and never be satisfied. If I lived my life the way I wanted to, I almost certainly wouldn't have any time to form connections or relationships, or have a family. And I want those things very badly. So I'm stuck.

I wish I was one of those women who had everything in order - clean apartment, clean life, healthy relationship, excellent job. I don't think I'll ever be that kind of woman. I'm always going to be scatterbrained, all over the place and just all out dramatic. Maybe I should embrace it, instead of wishing that I were another kind of person.

I really want to take a vacation. A solo vacation, I'm thinking. Exploring the country. I don't think I have the cash for it now, but maybe in a few months, I'll just pick up and go somewhere. I haven't done anything impulsive in a while.

lazy friday night.

I am taking it easy tonight - thank goodness. I don't know if I can handle the life of a social butterfly =) I'm really just a homebody. So tonight I've shut myself off from the world and I've been reading - blogs, books, etc. I've done some journaling (9 days since my last entry!!! horrible) and I've watched some Gilmore Girls and some episodes of The Office. It's just nice to be alone in my apartment kickin' it. This weekend will be a little more active than I'd like, but what can ya do? Probably seeing two movies tomorrow and I have a date (!) - NYU Law Student asked me out again, so we're going to go see an indy flick and then get drinks. Sunday, I'm debating if I want to go to a Super Bowl Party or not - sigh. I'm such a hermit sometimes. I just want to lock myself up for the weekend.

I'm kind of tipsy right now, so I'm going to avoid talking about anything too heavy. I'm just looking forward to sleeping. But, I kinda like this lifestyle - the fast-paced, dynamic New York life. For a long time, I questioned how wise I was to pack up and move here, but now that it's been a little while, I'm really happy that I decided to do it. I feel like I belong here. At least for now. I never felt that way in SF. This is a good thing!

i am so hungover right now.

It's kind of awful. It's not the worst hangover I've had, but it's this dull pain where I can barely see straight and all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep for hours. Which I intend to do after I get back from dinner with the high school crew.

Anyway, last night was probably the most ridiculous night I've had in a long time. So I text Tall in the middle of the day to see if we're still on for happy hour. He says yes, but he doesn't want to do dive bars, but instead class it up a bit. So I meet him at his job and we decide to go to the Tribeca Grill - which is a pretty classy place. So we get there, get seated and proceed to start eating and drinking. Amazing scallops, three drinks, and three and a half hours later, we're still there and our waiter starts giving us the heave-ho. He's like "If you guys still want to drink, there are a ton of places around here..." Haha - so then it was Tall's brilliant idea that we should go to a champagne lounge and get more food. I was starving (I mean, my scallops were awesome, but meals at fancy places are always teeny), so I agreed. Then he's all - let's get a $100 bottle of champagne. So we do. The place was sooo nice - I really liked it. Really comfy and the waitress was awesome, making an excellent champagne suggestion. I will definitely be returning there. So after we finished the bottle, it got to be around 1 am and he was like - let's go to that weird wine bar we saw on the way here. I don't know why I agreed, but I did. I also agreed to split a bottle of wine (named after me! wee! haha). However, after a few sips, I was like - I can't do this. It was really good wine, too, but I was so afraid I was going to be sick that I just couldn't do it. Then I laid myself out on the ledge and after Tall assured me I wasn't flashing passerby, I curled up into a ball and fell asleep. The frickin' bartender tapped me on the shoulder (we were the only ones in there and Tall had gone outside to get air) and was like "Are you okay? Don't pass out!" HAHAHA. Who does that?! Who falls asleep in a bar while with one other person? I guess I do. I am such a hot mess sometimes, it's awful.

Anyhow, at 3 am I decided it was time to go home, which I did. I passed out in my bed and came into work late today. This week has been insane and I have a dinner tonight so I need to pull my shit together. NOW. Okay, back to work, I'm so far behind.

now i know what a bad date looks like.

So last night was the second date of the week and quite honestly, after that showing, I don't want to go on another date ever again - lol. Here's the deal - I decided to do a little experiment and go out with a guy I had little to no background on. Probably a mistake, but I'm trying new things lately and I figured how bad could it be. Well, apparently, ladies and gentlemen, it can be pretty damn bad. 

We went to this place called Pravda - Russian theme. I loved it! It's in the West Village and seems like a really chill place, but I only spent about 55 minutes there, so who knows? I got there about 7 minutes early. He was late. I was fine with that since he texted me to let me know he was lost and it was okay. When he got there he looked fine - not exactly my type, but not ugly or anything. Also, I really need to measure myself - because all these guys are like "I'm 6'1, I'm tall... yada yada" and then I get there and they're not that much taller than me. So either I'm not 5'9" or somebody's lying about their height. I don't mind, but really - let's not false advertise.

It was a little awkward at first, but we started talking. His profile said he was 23 and college educated. I guess he forgot to mention that he had dropped out of college, which he informed me when we met up. He said he just "got sick of it and left" - charming. Call me a snot, but I just cannot get behind dropping out of school unless you had a good reason - a death, you started your own company, you wanted to do something interesting and unique. But to drop out of college to work in retail - not cute. However, I'm not a mean person, so I tried to engage him in other conversation. Then the waitress came out and put the silverware down, wrapped up in a cloth napkin. He grabbed the silverware and proceeded to pretend that they were people and was like "Look at us - we have no clothes. We have to wrap ourselves in this white towel as we walk down the street!" I SHIT YOU NOT. That really did happen. I almost couldn't believe it myself. After some awkward giggling on my part, he stopped and we ordered. Food came super quickly. I already knew shit was going downhill so I only ordered fries and a drink, but he got burgers. "It's too early to drink," was what he had to say to me. First of all, I should've known with that statement that we'd never get along. Secondly, I knew I was going to need a drink to get through any amount of time with him.

We talked about family stuff and our backgrounds, etc etc. He made some comments about adoption that kind of pissed me off - he called it 'strange.' This was knowing that I was adopted cuz I told him about it. Sweet Jesus. Anyhow - the bill comes and of course I go to throw my money down. I like when men pay, but I knew I didn't want to owe this man anything or give him any sign of encouragement. So normally when people pay a bill, they add for tax and tip, right? He literally put a card down and paid 15.00 for his burgers - nothing for tax - and then a $1 tip. ONE DOLLAR. GTFO. What is up with him? I was mortified, but didn't really know how to fix it. And now I won't be able to show my face there again because we left such an abysmal tip. Maybe I'll get a haircut and go back. Anyhow, needless to say - I booked it out of there the second we got the check and when he told me he was going left on Lafayette, I went right. HAHA. Too fucking funny.

So yeah, that was that. I walked home and to my dismay, the liquor store was closed! Luckily roomie helped me out when I got home and we drank Riesling and I told her about the horror of it all. Hopefully my next date won't be quite as shittastic, but we'll see.

date, the first.

So I went out last night with the NYU Law guy. He took me to this cozy, cute restaurant in the West Village called La Lanterna Caffe. It was really date-ish and I liked it a lot. Italian food - I had pizza and a glass of some sort of delicious whiskey-coffee thing. He's cuter than he came across in his photos, which is always good. He's an average looking white guy - blonde, which isn't usually my type, but whatevs. We both have similar temperaments - slightly dorky, sarcastic. We both like to drink and swear - another plus. Haha - I mean, it's not like we were sitting around cursing like sailors or anything, but we both just have a healthy appreciation of not being PC all the time. We both like Russia (!!!!), which was a shocking discovery. I've never really met another Russophile. I've met lots of actual Russians, but it's weird to meet someone who's not of that descent but is really into the culture, etc. We bonded over our love of A Clockwork Orange (my fave book) and just had a nice convo about life and stuff. It wasn't full of sparks, but I guess I would go out with him again if he asked. It was just your standard date - he took me out, we spent the time talking, he paid, he walked me to the subway, we hugged, end of story.

So we'll see how that one goes. All in all though, it was a pretty successful date. I didn't get naked and there were no awkward silences. That's a plus - haha.

Tonight, it's drinks with a new one. I also have to make plans with the Intellectual. I've actually been thinking about him a lot lately and although I fully intend to heed Bammerz' warnings about him (I think he's still not sold and I completely understand why), I want to see where it goes. I also may break one of my dates to hang out with Tall tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.

weekend update + week preview

There is simply too much to blog about. Arg, I don't even know where to start. This past weekend was amazing. Simply amazing. My Big Sister (from the sorority) came down to NYC on Friday night. I picked her up at Penn Station and then we went to Max Brenner's for decadent desserts and cocktails. The cocktails were weak, but so fucking good. I might try and make a stronger version on my own, because I've never tasted anything that good. 

Then we kicked off Mock Trial Reunion '09. It was a ton of fun - pretty much ALL of the alums came out. A bunch of us went to the trials to watch the little kiddies compete. OMG they are SO LITTLE. Seriously - we saw the two young teams, so there weren't any seniors on them and it was mostly 18 and 19 year olds, which made me feel absolutely ancient. I still can't believe how little they were. The trial was long as fuck, but after it was over, we all decided to get dinner. I split off from the group to go eat with Tall and Frack, who I haven't seen in ages. If you recall, Tall and I used to do these epic happy hours that always ended up with too much liquor drunk and too much money spent. And Frack, I haven't seen in forever - since his b'day party. So the three of us got Mexican food in Hell's Kitchen and got drunk on margaritas. After that we met up with the rest of the team at J's place (J was class of 2006) and spent the evening drinking, playing Asshole and Kings, and just being stupid. Toward the end of the night, we ended with the alums sitting in a circle playing Never Have I Ever and I Have. Let's just say we've all learned a ton about each other. I feel like I totally overshared, but whatevs. It was just me, The Banker, Frack, Big Sister, and J. Loved getting teased over my hookup with the Banker, but I guess it's nice that all of the Mock Trial indiscretions are all out there in the open. I thought the Banker was pissed at me, since the last time we hung out it didn't end up so well and he has yet to come to any party I've thrown. However, he brought up the party thing, apologized for not coming, and told me not to stop inviting him, so I think we're good. It was just so nice to see everyone again. I mean, these people were a HUGE part of my college experience and it's been wayyy too long, considering how close we all live to each other. It was just great to relive the good (and bad) times and drink and have a good time. I miss them all a ton!

So this week. Four dates. Yes, ladies and gentlemen - four. Different guys. We'll see how it goes. After this, though, I think I'm done with dating. At least in the sense that I'm not adding any new guys to the rotation. I can't take it any more. Too much stress. In addition to my four dates, I have dinner plans with the high school crew and a 'get drunk in the middle of the day' plan with Tall on Saturday. So I'm all set socially for the week. Awesomely awesome. Hopefully Bammerz and I can catch a movie on Sunday. And that will be that.

Lastly, The Intellectual is totally into things between us - I think. He seems to really want to see me again. I'm scared and nervous. He messaged me on Sunday asking about my weekend and telling me how much fun he had on Thursday, praising my *um* talents and saying that he really wants to go out with me again. Sometime very soon. Eek on a stick - I don't know what to do. I told him I want to go out again. I'm just so conflicted. But this entry is already far too long and covers far too many topics, so I'll save my feelings for later. 

update on the date.

So last night, the Intellectual came over. I was hella nervous beforehand - I kept on hoping he would cancel, jokingly inviting friends to come over with me, hyperventilation. You know, the usual. He was a bit late because he got lost in my complex, but then he came over. I was all alone in the apartment - I think Roomie was working late or something. I was a little nervous. I wore the same outfit I'd worn when I went out with MM - jeans and my fave short-sleeved blue top. We immediately set about deciding what to eat (I was starving) and picked Chinese from my fave place. I gave him the grand tour of the apartment. He really wanted to see my family, so I showed him some pics my brothers had put up on Facebook. Then the food came and we sat down at the kitchen table and ate it. While I was setting up, Roomie came home, said her hellos and then popped out to go to the gym. She made small-talk with us and a few jokes (omg I love Roomie! haha) and then ran out.

We sat down and ate and talked about race and our upbringing and our friends. He remembers so much about the things I've told him - stories about my friends and boys and all kinds of things. I'm shocked by it sometimes. I feel like I talk too much when I'm with him, but that's because he goads me on to keep talking, talking, talking. I know I should ask him more questions, but I don't. HAHA. After that, we decided on a movie and he suggested we get under the covers of my bed and watch it (hi, scandalous). 

So we started snuggling and watching the movie. After a while, he started putting the moves on me and we ended up hooking up. I stuck with the everything-but game plan. And he's good - really good. Surprisingly good, but I guess he is 28 and experienced and all of that. So after we were both finished, we cuddled and watched the movie. Okay, first of all. His chest is like a frickin WALL. It was incredibly rock hard and solid. He's built like nobody's business. Six-pack abs - check. He even has those pelvic bones. Ya know what I mean - the solid definition around the waist. I really just wanted him to stand naked in my bedroom while I ogled him. That's how hot he is. Second of all, he is definitely the biggest guy I've ever been with. I am totally frightened. We didn't have sex - he hadn't brought any condoms over and I certainly didn't have any that would fit him. I also really didn't want to. So we just hooked up the one time and it was good.

I'm conflicted. The whole time after we hooked up I was just so weird. I felt cold inside. I didn't want to snuggle or cuddle or anything. I didn't want to give off any impression to him that this was more than a sexual thing. I pretty much moved myself away from him and watched the movie and feigned tiredness. I just worry that he may be a little too into this. He kept going on and on about how fascinating he thinks I am, etc etc. I just don't want to hear all of that. He texted me last night saying how fun it was to hang out and saying he hopes I have a nice day today and a good weekend with my friend. Sigh. I have yet to reply.

So this is me. This is the real me. Deathly afraid of male attention and scared shitless of the prospect of a relationship. Being a commitmentphobe is so difficult.

and boom goes the dynamite!

I have no idea why I titled the entry that. I don't have much to say, just that I'm HELLA nervous about my date tonight. I'm, like, hyperventilating. I cleaned my room and everything, so we should be all set for tonight. I still haven't decided what I want yet. oO - maybe I'll be a complete and total prude and make him sit as far away from me as possible. I guess it just depends on the vibe - I mean I could see him and want to jump him right then and there. Or it could be like - we have no chemistry. I'm so nervous the first time I hook up with someone new. It's so weird - like, what do they like? What do they hate? Where should I touch? What should I avoid touching? Everyone's different. I hate that. I love when you just know what the other person wants. I mean, I guess theoretically, I could see this boy more than once and then this will be my first "lesson" in what he's like in the bedroom. Whatever, I'm just worrying myself over things I cannot control.

I'm hoping to get some time in at the gym before he comes over - probably just a short 30 minute workout. I'm trying to workout every day from the inauguration til the end of the month. So far I'm 2 for 2, but we need to do better than that! Hah. The one thing about working out that I hate is that it makes me hungry ALL THE TIME. I mean, the day after I start working out, I'm ravenous. I hate it! I'm making myself a full dinner and yet I'm starving when I go to bed. So. not. cool. But at least I'm getting to the gym.

Okay, back to work.

fear of flying.

Before I get started on this entry, I just want to say that I really love my current roommate. I mean, we knew each other back in SF, but we talked very rarely there. Since moving to New York, we've gotten to know each other and she's seriously one of the coolest people I've ever met. We have similar senses of humor and get along really well and some of my closest friends like her as well, so that makes her awesome in my book. Since it's usually just the two of us in the apartment (absent roomie is always, well... absent), we tend to talk a lot. Last night we were both freaking out about dating and men. 

Lately I've been getting really nervous. I know I talk about dating all the time and my constant search for a meaningful relationship and I'm sure half of you think I'm some boy-crazed freak who's obsessed with being with someone. For a while, I even thought that, too. Then came the freakout. So the Intellectual and I have been talking and I feel like it's not just about sex with him (I could be wrong, I could be very wrong). He just seems genuinely interested and sometimes he makes comments about winning me over or whatever. So as I'm walking down the street thinking about it, all of a sudden, I just get so nervous. The thought of him liking me makes me really uncomfortable, moreso than the thought of him wanting to bang me. I mean, I can deal with men who want me in a sexual way - that's easy. But when men want to take things to the next level, I panic. 

Maybe I'm just not ready. Maybe I'll never be ready. I honestly don't understand what's wrong with me - my parents have been married for like 30+ years and have been together for longer. My father is a stand-up guy who's always been there for the family. I have no negative feelings about men stemming from abuse or poor relationship choices. Hell, I've been commitment phobic since before I started dating, so I don't know where this comes from. I definitely need to go into therapy - if I ever have time to search for a therapist. 

Everytime I meet anyone that I think I could be serious about, I get so excited about it at first. Then, if they ever reciprocate those feelings I want to run for the hills! I'm serious. The thought of someone I like liking me makes me want to vomit. Literally. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach and I just want to fight it, kicking and screaming. I don't know what it is about a relationship that's so terrifying to me. I mean, I don't have problems being committed to one man. I was with TG for like 9 months without sleeping with or hooking up with anyone else. I didn't even look at boys when I was with him. I like the constant sex that being in a relationship would provide. So what is it? Fear of losing my freedom? I know that any man I would choose to like or date wouldn't have any issues with my independence. That would be why I would like him. I don't know what I'm afraid of. It just makes no sense.

so much for making him wait.

So I agreed to go out with the Intellectual on Thursday night. Well, not go out - we're going to rent a movie and order takeout at my place. Eek! I'm really nervous about it for some reason, even though we've been out before and have been talking for a while. Lately we talk every night. Last night, he even *gasp* called me! Like on the telephone! Shocking! I cannot remember the last time a guy called me on the phone. Actually, I just did. The 38 year old called me on the telephone, but he's old school. Every other guy I've dated or hooked up with in New York either used e-mail or text to communicate with me, so getting him on the phone was shocking.

I'm just not sure what to make of him. One part of me is wary because we had that date and then he disappeared and then I wrote that post about the weird convo we had about his penis size (good lord...). But then, on the other hand, when we talk, he seems to actually care about getting to know me. He asks me about my family and what it was like growing up and he remembers things. He seems content to let me ramble on about my life and he's always interested and engaged in the process. Even when it comes to him being sexually attracted to me, he's reserved about it. It's like an undertone instead of the whole conversation. I don't know what to make of it. I will call him on it when we hang out on Thursday, though. I want to know why he just disappeared post-date.

Lastly, I haven't decided what my stance is on the sexual side. I mean, I'm sure we're going to hook up - nearly 100% positive - but I haven't decided what my boundaries are yet. Quite frankly, I'm a little scared by his size (haha - I'm totally blushing as I type this). I mean, the thought of it kind of freaks me out. I'm not really sure I want to deal with the level of potential pain that could cause. Outside of that, though, I just don't know if I want to sleep with him. I probably won't. Maybe I'll limit it to everything but. That's what I usually do. Or I guess I can just wait and see how I feel when we're in the moment, but I know myself. I have to mentally prepare pre-hookup or else I get distracted and make dumb choices. Sigh.

Anyhow, we'll see how this goes. Quite frankly I'm freaking out and nervous. You'd think we'd never had a date before.

lazy monday.

I'm totally supposed to be good today and go get hair, nails, feet, and brows done, but the thought is making me sick. It just takes so damn long to do all that shit. My hair, though, needs to be done. And the brows. Grrr. Maybe I'll just pick one thing to do. I could always do nails on my lunch break at work. I am the laziest person on earth. I was also supposed to hang out with the high school happy hour crew, but now I'm unsure if I feel like it. We'll see.

Got an e-mail update from MM. Basically, he said he's sorry for not telling me earlier, but he's taking "next steps" with a girl he met online before me. He had fun, wishes me the best, yada yada, wants to focus on one person at a time. Fair enough. I just wish he would've mentioned this a little bit earlier. But, such is dating. You never know how many people someone is dating or what stage they're in with them. I just suck at the whole thing because it's so much easier for me to focus on one person exclusively and let other people slide. Like there's this guy I've been talking to for a while, but I always take forever to reply to his e-mails because I'm too busy focusing on someone else. I should learn how to divide my attention better. I'm just the tunnel vision kind of girl.

Anyhow, moving on. As per usual. Onward and upward at all times =)

i'm trying this new thing...

Well, ladies and gentlemen, the Intellectual is back. Kinda. Basically ever since New Years Eve, he's been all up in my grill. He IMs me pretty much every night, asking inane questions and being slightly flirtatious. I pretty much act aloof and just take in all that he's saying, without really giving him anything in return. I'm trying this new - 'I really don't give a shit' vibe and I love it. I mean, I'm not really all that interested in him, but he is eating this shit up like catnip.

Normally, my relationships fall into this pattern. I meet a boy that I like and I'm slightly wary at first, but once I fall, I fall hard. And I just want to be with the person and talk to them and I'm always saying yes. Whatever they want, I'm willing to do. I'll coddle and cuddle and play nice and I just give so much of myself. Right now, I don't want to do that. I want to be selfish and I want to not care and I want to be aloof and flighty and unresponsive. Basically, I want to be an asshole. Because so many men have been assholes to me. I'm not saying there are no good men out there, but I am saying that for once I just want to do what feels good without trying to impress anyone or give anything. I just want to take.

So last night, everything really came together. He's been taking the slow approach, carefully dipping his toe in the water without really getting wet, but he's all in now. He wants to go out again. And by go out again, I mean he wants to take me out to dinner and then do incredibly dirty things to me afterwards. =) I'm still unsure of my stance on the whole thing. I mean, I find him incredibly attractive. He probably has the best body I've ever laid eyes on and the nympho in me really just wants to jump him. But the best thing about this situation is that I honestly don't care what happens. If he disappears tomorrow, that's fine. If he's still trying to get with me, that's fine, too. I'm enjoying the apathy. I'm liking it a lot. =)

We'll see what happens. I'm just welcoming the change.

special ed.

For most of my life, I've been used to doing pretty well for myself - I started reading at age 3, excelled at school, got good grades, was an excellent volleyball player, played multiple instruments and was regularly first chair in band. I did well in high school, graduating with a rock solid GPA and admission to an Ivy League school - my dream school. I managed to graduate from said school, with a decent academic record, three sweet internships, tons of theater experience, and a bunch of mock trial awards under my belt. I got a job at a very well-known company, one of the top firms in the world to work for. I do my job pretty well and have been recognized by my peers as a trusted and valued part of the organization. And yet, when it comes to the things that are most basic - managing my money, owning tangible property/assets, finding a man to have a solid relationship with - I am a complete and utter failure. Sometimes I think I'm stuck in the special ed class of life.

I regularly feel like I'm on the short bus, but today I was reminded yet again when I read about an old friend of mine. We used to hang out in middle school and we were the best of friends. Troublemakers like whoa. She was always in and out of trouble, ended up not going to college and I lost track of her. Turns out she joined the military and turned her life around. I just found out that she's married and has been for four years. She has two absolutely adorable children, aged 1 and 2. She owns her own house and car and seems to really be living a truly fulfilled life. And all of a sudden I feel like I'm retarded when it comes to real life. I mean, really, what have all of my accomplishments gotten me? I'm still not 100% happy. Not that I think anyone is 100% happy, but I think I spend more time then most bemoaning the sorry state of my life. 

I often wonder if this is a sign of the times, if this is a common plight of the so-called 'gifted' children. I consider most, if not all, of my friends to be a part of that category. Smart, talented men and women with excellent credentials and resumes. And yet, so many of us seem to be lacking true fulfillment.  I don't know what it is - is it that we're focused on our careers to the point of excluding everything else? Is it that we simply think we have all the time in the world to make shit happen? I really have no idea. 

I've always believed in multiple intelligences and I think that everyone is gifted in some way - regardless of where you went to school, what you do for a living, whatever. I'm always constantly astounded at my father's memory - his ability to pretty much remember any small minute fact about a movie, or a piece of trivia, or a person. I know rocket scientists who don't have that kind of skill. And maybe that's just it. Maybe all those things I want - the husband, the kids, the financial stability - maybe I'm just deficient in that kind of intelligence. Everyone moves at their own pace, maybe my pace is just slower than most and it's something I have to get used to. To stop defining my life on other people's timelines. 

I think that's the hardest part of growing up - realizing that we're not all going to be doing things at the same pace. I mean, everything in life up until recently was sort of standard for most people that I knew. We all went to kindergarten, and then elementary school, and then high school. Where I grew up most people then went on to college. It was a standard set of actions and phases that you knew you were supposed to go through. You could measure your success easily by comparing yourself to your peers because everyone was on the same timeline. Then senior year of college hit and it was completely different. Some people went to get advanced degrees, some people stayed behind for another year at college, some people got jobs in September, some people graduated without jobs. All bets were off. It was time to scramble and do what you wanted to do and there was no bar with which to measure yourself. Of course, we all still did compare ourselves to our peers ("This one has a job and I don't, I'm a failure." "I have no idea what I want to do with my life and everyone else seems to know - I suck at life."), but it was an unrealistic, futile exercise. I mean, life is different for different people. Some people meet the loves of their lives at 18, some meet them at 42. Some people think that having a cushy exec job is the height of life, other people just want to do what makes them happy even if they're poor as dirt. You just have to live your own life, I suppose, and go at your own speed.

Different strokes for different folks.

reassurance.

So now that it's all out in the news, I suppose I can briefly touch upon it here. The company I work for (which remains unnamed, but I know a lot of you know where I work) has just had a round of layoffs, the majority of which are in the exact department that I work in. Yes, I know people who have been laid off. No, I am not one of them. Luckily for me, the rotation program that I'm in provides a lot of safety.  So I still have my job and I'm grateful.

Yesterday was so weird. I mean, this is my first full-time job, and I've never experienced anything like this before. It was eerie. Everyone was wondering who was going to get the ax and then unsure of how to act towards those people who did get the ax. The whole team ended up leaving early to go get drunk. I refrained and instead left early to go call my mom. Of course now my parents are flipping out and the law school beast reared its head again. I haven't told them that I didn't apply. I feel like I'm going to start treating my job life like I treat my love life and just not say anything to them about either.

I'm not really worried about my job. I've always just sort of taken things as they come and floated along and I'll continue to do that. I'm still trying to transfer jobs, but I'm not sure how this affects that. The department I want to move into has openings, so I'm not really concerned on that front, and like I said the program is providing a great deal of security. So that's that.

I guess I just wanted to clarify that I'm okay, things are okay, and I don't think I'm in any immediate danger. Of course, God only knows, but um yeah. That's it for now.

the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

Yes, I am totally, completely weak. I IMmed MM last night because I wanted to talk. It was like midnight, but I was bored and he was online and I miss our long, slightly-flirtatious chats. We talked for about 20 minutes and it was actually enjoyable. He seemed to be engaged in the conversation, lots of jokes and laughing and teasing. So now I don't know what to think. His apartment's being painted today, so he's steps closer to having shit finished, but I know he's anxious to start recording again, which means setting up his studio. I just don't know if I'm being silly by continuing to contact him, but it seems like until he gives me the I HATE YOU speech, I'm always going to be compelled to drop in and say hey. Sigh.

I also spoke to The Intellectual last night. Haha - so after our little 10 inch penis discussion, I had decided to write him off, but he's IMmed me a couple of times via Facebook and I actually enjoy talking to him for some reason. I think it's because I'm not romantically interested and therefore, I don't care if he's skeevy or not. As long as I know that I'm not going to sleep with him, I could care less how he tries to make little sexual innuendos. I mean, I'm not about that, so now I can just talk to him. So we talked last night about a lot of random shit. I told him about MM and explained my frustrations, he gave me some advice. He was being mildly flirtatious - telling me that I was attractive and that I'm a fool to think otherwise. I just laughed it off and he totally called me out on my little nervous tic of saying 'haha' or laughing whenever anyone compliments me. I've never been called out like that before! I kinda liked it. I love exposing my flaws. Also told him that I'm not as tame as I seem. He was telling me that I don't seem like the 'hook-up' type, which made me laugh, because as you dear readers know, I am SO the hookup type. Just goes to show you that I am a rockstar when it comes to living multiple lives. So yeah, I think he and I may actually be able to have some semblance of a friendship. Which is weird beyond belief, but also kind of cool. I never really thought I'd be able to be so candid with a guy I was once interested in.

So in summation, I'm a total weakling. However, it's making for interesting conversation so I'll go with it.

sex talk.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about sexuality and the information surrounding it - the knowledge of sex and sexual health. I've had several conversations in the past few days that have made me question what we teach our children about sex and what that means when they grow up and start having it. I just found out that a friend of mine never uses condoms while she has sex, is not on any form of contraception, and seems to have no worry at all about getting pregnant. She says she just doesn't think she's very 'fertile' and so it's not even a worry in her mind. Can I tell you how scary it was to hear someone say that?! I mean, maybe she's not worried about STDs since she's in a monogamous relationship, but I mean, to be so blase about the pregnancy thing. I mean, anything could happen! How is she not freaking out?!

The thing is - I guess I always expect the people I know to be really vigilant about their sexual health because most of my friends are very intelligent, went to top tier schools, and just seem to be more exposed to information about sex and contraceptives. However, she's not the first person I've heard who isn't on the pill and feels like there's no need to use a condom. I do not get it.

Then I think about my own risky behavior when it comes to sex. I always use condoms anytime I have sex. The only time I didn't was the brief period when I was on the pill, and TG and I had talked about how we were not sleeping with anyone else and we were clean. I felt very comfortable in that situation. However, the minute that I had to go off the pill because of the blood clot, we reverted to condoms. One thing I don't really use condoms for, though, is oral sex. The only time I'll insist on one is if I really don't know the guy. Random hookup in the Bahamas - definite use of condom. But most other times, I usually just do it without one. It has nothing really to do with the taste or anything (I have plenty of flavored condoms), but I just feel like the experience is more intimate without it. I know it's risky, and yet I continue to do it anyway. I know that I get tested regularly, but I suppose I can't say the same for others. Which brings me to another point.

Why in the hell don't men get tested for STDs on a regular basis?! I just feel like the testing onus always seems to fall on the women. Every year, women go to the OB/GYN to get a pap smear and make sure everything is going right down there. During that exam, we're asked if we want to test for STDs. From talking to my male friends it seems like there's no equivalent, no time when the doctor suggests that they take these tests? Why the hell not? I think that that's so bogus! Sexual health is not purely a female or male thing. It affects everyone - people should be tested regularly. I make it my business to get tested whenever I hook up with a new sexual partner because you just never know.

I had more to say about this, but I'll save it for tomorrow. I guess I'm just constantly amazed at how different people view sex and sexual health. I have friends that won't so much as touch a guy without getting his full sexual history. Then I have friends who are sleeping with people without asking any questions or using any protection. My stance is somewhere in the middle - but it's probably still not what I should be doing. I really want to make it a priority to educate myself on these topics this year, to know exactly what's risky and what isn't and dispelling the myths around STDs, pregnancy, and sexual health. One thing I know is that I want to continue talking about these things with my friends because I'm fascinated to hear about people's experiences with this subject. I feel like part of the reason why this knowledge seems so mysterious and why there's so much false information out there is that people are so damn scared to talk about sex - they think it's not appropriate or that it's too personal. Quite frankly, I think it's too serious a subject not to talk about.

status updates.

I feel 1,000 times better today. I've only had one coughing fit and it was very minor. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. I even slept in a bit, which is good for me. Showered, got slightly dressed up (well, dressed up for me), and walked myself to work. I feel a lot better in both mind and body than I have in a while. I think staying in this weekend was the smart thing to do.

Socially, I'm feeling pretty good about this week. I already have plans for today and tomorrow night, and since Slind is back in town, I imagine I'll have more plans for the end of the week and this weekend. I want to make it my goal to do one 'out of the box' event, so I may attend this happy hour near my house this weekend. It's for some meet-up group. I have no plans for the weekend as of yet, but I'm hoping something good comes up.

I'm feeling a bit better emotionally, although I've decided I have to start taking better care of myself on all fronts. I'm totally gaining weight - I can notice it and I NEVER notice that stuff - so today is day 1 of trying to eat right and get more exercise in. I'm not sure if I'll be doing the gym thing today, but I walked to work and I will be walking back no matter what. Due to illness, I may hold off on the gym until Wednesday, but I figure the walking is always a good thing. I am also going to try and not eat like a cow today at lunch. I even brought my own breakfast so I wouldn't be tempted by whatever they have in the cafe today. I've also bought myself a brand-new Moleskine notebook, so I can write ideas down and make observations and keep up with my resolution to write more. Hopefully I get some use out of it.

On the boy front, I had a long discussion with my other roomie last night. It was nice because we don't usually have long talks like that. We talked about the single girl vs the relationshipped girl status in NYC. I'm single and she's in a serious relationship, so we discussed the pros and cons of both. I guess right now I'm just resigning myself to being okay with my single status and not stressing about it so much. I mean, I spent most of my life neither wanting nor needing a man, so I don't understand why all of a sudden I'm going crazy. I think I just need to chill the fuck out and relax. I haven't decided what that means yet, as far as searching goes. I mean, I don't want to close myself off completely, but I also don't want to be racing around trying to find a man 24/7. I think I just need to get a hobby, as cliche as that sounds. Back at school, I rarely thought about boys because I had so much going on. Now, here I am, with nothing but a job and so, of course, men are going to occupy my thoughts. I just need to relax. Right now I have a clean slate. My old interests are completely out of the picture and it's just me, myself, and I. I should really focus on enjoying that.

So this is where I stand. I'm just hoping I can keep a handle on my emotions. I'm so volatile that it scares me sometimes.

the start of the real new year.

This weekend was kind of a bust, since I was sick and coughing all the time. I'm excited about the next week, though - I think it's going to be a lot of fun. I already have plans to have drinks with the work girls and then dinner with some old college theater friends. Yay! This is me not being a hermit. As far as the boy situation, I've just decided to chill the fuck out. Seriously. I need to start focusing on other things because boys are driving me crazy. When I've got my shit sorted out, then I can start worrying about them. If MM calls, he calls. If he doesn't, he doesn't. There's really not much more I can do. It's not like I have control of the situation. I just have to trust that somewhere down the line, I will meet someone who is good for me. Outside of that, I'm just going to have a good time.

I plan to start writing more and making it an everyday part of my life. I'm also going to straighten out my apartment and my room and make sure that I'm living in a non-cluttered space. I need more routine, more order. I also need to branch out more and meet new people and put myself out there. It's always a good thing when I do that. I need to do more of it. I'm really looking forward to this week. Hopefully I can really start working on myself.

i don't feel like myself.

I can't do this 'being sick' shit - it's totally fucking with my head. I just feel so blah. I want to change something. Do something drastic. Of course I can't think of anything to change, so instead I'm just moping around and coughing. I don't know what's up with me, but I am sick of things right now. I guess now that I'm starting to think about my future and what I want, it's making me antsy and nervous and dissatisfied. Sooo not healthy, but I cannot help it.

I guess I just have to get over things and figure out what I need to do in order to get what I want. Well, first I suppose I should figure out what it is that I want. This is probably the first New Year that I don't have any game plans for how I want the year to be better. I don't know why, but it seems like I just didn't have time for it. So maybe now is the time to focus on that.

I'd really like to just disappear for a while, work my shit out, and then come back better and stronger. I have so many goals I want to accomplish and a vision of the woman I'd like to be and it seems I've lost sight of those dreams. I think I need to take a new approach to my life in New York. I need to treat it as though I'm moving here from Bumblefuck, Ohio and I don't know a soul. I've been treating New York like it's home (and in a way it is), but that means that I don't seek out new experiences or explore the city the way that I should. I don't know if I've learned anything about myself in the past 7 months that I've been here and that's very problematic. I've had some excellent memories and it's been so wonderful to reconnect with people, but I feel like I haven't done much for myself and that has got to change.

Somehow I have to put the wheels in motion.

obligatory boy update.

So I invited TG to come have lunch with me at my office and today was the day we picked. We just got finished having lunch and it was so weird. Weird in the sense that it was pretty much completely platonic and felt like I was eating lunch with a stranger or an acquaintance. I mean, he still knows me really well, obviously, but there was none of that spark of our previous relationship. I guess it's true that the more time passes, the more you grow apart. I mean, he seems happy in his relationship and his life right now. He says that things are stabilizing for him and I'm happy about that. I mean, when we were together, towards the end, things were all fucked up for him - no job, confused about what to do, moving apartments, the volatile nature of our relationship. So I'm glad for him. I'm clearly not there yet, but I'm actually okay with it. The lunch itself was sort of awkward - I felt like I couldn't really look him in the eye and I'm sure I repeated myself (especially when he was trying to probe me for love life details). It was just... odd.

I kind of hate moments like this because that's when you know how fragile human relationships are, how dynamic they can be. One second you're so close to this person and you share things with them - you laugh, you kiss, you cuddle, you really care about them. Then time passes, people move and people move on, and while the person is still important to you and you still care about their happiness and well-being, you're less interested in the mundane aspects of their lives. You kind of just want to update each other every 6 months and go from there. I don't even have any desire to hook up again, even if we meet somewhere down the line and we're both single. I guess we've both just moved on. I'm curious to see what tone our friendship takes after this or if we'll ever speak to/see each other again. I've never experienced this before, so everything's still new and fresh. I guess I'll just see.

In MM news, I still think that whatever we're doing is dying. It seems like the contact has gone down drastically. I texted him last night, he responded this morning and it seemed okay. Then, I broached the "hanging out again" topic and he seemed less than enthused. I asked him when he was getting back from his weekend trip to Philly and whether we could hang out when he got back. He responded "Mondayish, and later in the week I should be free." Followed by, "If they're done back the time I get back. I really want to get my place back into livable condition asap." (He's having work done on his apartment) So um, yeah, not exactly promising, but whatever. I tried. I was excited. It was good and helpful. I feel like part of the reason that things were so lackluster with TG was because there has been a decent amount of men since him. I've dated 5 other guys and hooked up with 3, so I'm not exactly dying for male companionship at the time. I'm just hoping that maybe he really is just stressed out about his living situation and that he'll get back to me. I think a second date would be nice, but I'm certainly not holding my breath for anything. I just wish men would tell you straight up that they're not interested. Makes life easier.

sick as a dog.

I think I have bronchitis. =(

I keep coughing like a crazy person - this wracking, heaving cough that causes me to gag and nearly choke. It's scary and so not pretty. I'm at work anyway, though, because I like to punish myself. My boss just told me the only reason he's not sending me home is because I finally scheduled a doctor's appointment for today - haha. So depending on the diagnosis, I may be peacing out early. I have so much to do - laundry, cleaning, etc. I also still have not finished writing my New Years Resolutions. I've been so lazy, I have no idea what's wrong with me. I just have lost motivation and I need to get it back.

I'm so sick of freaking out about boys and about my future, but I don't know what to do. I'm trying to think back on other times in my life when I was less than content and what I did then. I guess I always just branched out. I was a super-shy kid - extremely, painfully shy - and whenever I am placed in a new situation, I become that shy kid again. I somehow got over it (mostly), but it still comes back when I'm stressed. I guess I just have to put myself out there, as hard as that sounds. When I was in college, I just up and joined every frickin activity that even remotely interested me - the radio station, Buddhist meditation, theater, mock trial, sorority, etc etc. I guess I just need to find a way to do that here. I'm not really sure how, but I'll figure it out. That'll keep my mind off my stagnant and failing love life. 

As far as the future goes, I don't know how to tackle that. I've always had a goal, a dream in my mind. I've never really been confused. Now, I'm confused and I don't know how to work past that. Oh, well. Despite everything that could have gone wrong in my life, God has always taken care of me. Always. He found me a home to live in, with parents who gave me everything I wanted. He helped me find amazing friends. He got me into the school I wanted, the job I wanted, and hell, even when I wanted to move, He made that happen, too. I guess I just have to trust that I will find a way to make things right. I've always trusted in God, I shouldn't stop now. I'm still young and I have have some amazing attributes that ought to help me find the path that I'm meant to be on.

Just keep keepin' on, I suppose.

ugh. kill me now.

Honestly, I really do think I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. I'm 23 years old and I've only had one man show me any interest for more than 5 minutes. And it wasn't even a "real" relationship. I'm not trying to wallow, really I'm not, but I can't help but be discouraged every time I meet someone and things just don't pan out. Since I've been in New York, I've gone out with 5 guys and they've all been disasters. The first one was 38 - which was just a bad idea all around. Excellent man, really lovely - but wayyy too old for me. Then there was New Jersey - god, let's not even talk about that. I'll chalk it up to an exercise in whoredom. The Intellectual followed. Thank GOD I didn't take that any further because he seems like a real piece of work, judging from his random IMs to me lately. Sex-in-the-car guy - do I really need to get into that? And then lastly, MM, who I'm fearing no longer has any interest in me and I cannot for the life of me figure out what went wrong.

I'm freaking out about it. Maybe it's in my head, but I tend to trust my intuition and I just get the feeling that he's over it. We talked last night (I IMmed him) and the convo just seemed kind of lackluster. I mean, we were talking and he was answering questions and there was some of the light banter we have, but it was different. Finally I couldn't deal, so I just made an excuse and signed off. I just don't know what to make of things. Maybe he's busy or distracted (I know he's freaking out about not having a place to sleep for a few nights), but I guess it's just hard to watch someone's interest go from 100 to 0 in such a short span of time. We used to have so much communication between us and things were good and now it's like a halt. Sigh. I just wonder what went wrong or what I did wrong or what's going on. Then, I'm freaking out that maybe I'm being too crazy about this. I mean, maybe it's just the natural progression of things and I should start following the whole 3 Day Rule logic and just sit and wait for him to call. Maybe I'm making mountains our of molehills. Sigh. Can you tell that I've been going insane over all of this? I just feel like I've finally met someone that could be good and then somehow it gets all messed up in such a short span of time. It's like - what do you do when you feel like you just constantly fail? Couple that with my whole existential life crisis and I'm just a nervous wreck.

I need to get a grip. I've decided, as far as MM goes, I'm going to just disappear for two days, see if he contacts me, then try once more, and then give up. Yes, that's the plan.

Awesome.

decisions.

So I've made a decision that a lot of people probably aren't going to like, but it's my own damn business, so I could care less. I decided a little while ago that I don't want to go back to law school next year. I haven't really said anything to anyone, except for the people that I know wouldn't flip out, but yeah, that's my decision. This morning I made the decision that I'm also not going to apply this year. My initial plan was to apply right now and defer, but now I've decided I'm going to wait until next year. I just haven't been giving it my all and I've lost motivation and I'd rather actually think about why I want to be a lawyer and apply at the front of the heap, instead of rushing now to put something together and applying at the back of the heap. I think in the long run, I'll be glad I decided to wait. This way, I can apply in September, after I've taken some time to figure out if this is what I want to do with my life.

Lately, I've been feeling so confused about life. I'm working in a job that I do not enjoy (granted there's only 3 months left of this role, but still) and I'm just not sure what I want to do. With the economy the way it is, I have no desire to leave my job and to be honest, I still love the company, even if I don't like the specific rotation I'm in. However, if my next role is less than satisfactory, I may be forced to decide if I want to look elsewhere. I've always wanted to work in the legal field and while I know it'll probably be rough finding work, there's always the option of looking into paralegal work. I don't want to deal with the salary cut, though, but I feel like it could be a really good opportunity if I could get it. And a change in lifestyle, which I'm also looking for.

There's also the simple matter that I feel like I'm not ready to be back in school yet. I know that once I'm in law school, I'm in and that's it. Life as you know it is over - friendships, extracurriculars, whoosh! I'm a little terrified of that and would love the extra time to explore. Also, what if law isn't for me? What if I'm meant to do something else? What kind of lifestyle do I want to lead? What kind of money do I want to make? Where do I want to live? I have absolutely no idea. I'd like to take some time to think about that.

Anyway, this is just such a confusing time for me, but it's also exciting because it's a chance to explore my options and think about what I want to do with myself. I just want to make sure that I'm doing the right thing.

too many men.

When it rains, it pours. I love that expression because it so adequately describes my situation when it comes to boys. I'm either desperately seeking male attention or running from it at full steam. Recently I've had a lot of boy drama and I really, really like it. As most of you know, I really enjoy long, drawn-out dramatic situations (see: my whole relationship with TG). There's something about drama that I really enjoy. I don't like drama with my friends because I think that's silly and counterproductive, but I love the whole high-low thing with boys. I think I just love to be excited and I love to be depressed. So much good comes out of both of those states for me. When I'm happy with a boy, I get all excited and giddy and life feels amazing. When I'm depressed or worried, I get all angsty and I get to write it out and feel like I'm truly experiencing life. I mean, pain is a part of life, too.

Anyhow. Sex-in-the-car guy is completely over with. He's been texting me, but I've ignored it and I'm hoping he just goes away. I'm sure he'll get the hint. I probably should be more mature and tell him I don't want to see him again, but I should also probably stop drinking and swearing and I have no intention of doing that either.

Then there's TG. He's in New York City for the week. Instead of having this whole tug of war thing (he's been dropping hints about seeing me for the past two days), I just invited him over to my job for lunch. I think it's the easiest way to make sure this doesn't turn into some big debacle. He'll be here on Wednesday afternoon. I figure it'll just be two friends catching up. I'm finally starting to actually believe myself when I say I'm over him. It feels less like an empty statement and more like a truth.

There's also been a flurry of discussion behind my back about whether or not I hooked up with a friend of a friend on NYE. I didn't (obvs, I would've blogged it if I had), but it was just weird because I'm so not used to that kind of interaction. On one hand, I like the fact that people noticed that we were flirtatious, but on the other hand I hate feeling like people are talking about my business. I don't think anything will come of it (I'm unsure of his/my interest level, we're both awkward, AND it's probably a bad idea), but I figure I ought to document it anyway. Sigh. I hate when you meet someone you're interested in, but you feel like you can't even gauge their interest without it being an issue.

So, with MM I've been hella nervous. I texted him last night and he didn't respond back, so I freaked. Maybe I'd texted too soon, maybe I was being too pushy. ACK. I just wanted to thank him for the nice night. Anyway, he responded today saying "my pleasure" and then we talked about my weird mattress pad (don't ask - yes, he made fun of my mattress pad, lol). So I guess we're still good. I don't know. I just want him to ask me out again, already, dammit! 

That's that! I'll keep you posted on any updates.

there's a boy in my bed.

Well, there was. But he's gone now. =) You guys, I am so happy right now (which inevitably means that I'll be so sad tomorrow - just you wait!). But yeah, I went out on a date with the new boy last night (he needs a name - we'll call him Music Man - MM for short - since he's a network engineer who's obsessed with becoming a DJ/music producer). We met up for drinks at this place called the Crocodile Lounge. We had a few drinks and some pizza and chatted. It was good - I definitely felt a connection with him in person. I mean, we've talked so much online, but you never know. He was flirty - touched my leg, would poke me playfully. It was nice. We talked about a lot of different things - I won't bore you with the details, but I learned more about him and it was a fun time. He's *very* sarcastic and likes to make fun of me (which if you know me, you know I love that shit). He's also a fan of racial humor, which means I need to learn some Polish jokes so I can tease him (he was born in Poland). We click - I like it. He's a little dorky, but so am I, so how can I complain?

At the end of the night, he asked me if he could come back to my place. I was hesitant - I didn't want another sex-in-the-back-of-the-car fiasco, so I hemmed and hawed a bit. He told me whatever I was most comfortable with was fine - we could go to my place, we could go to his place, or if I wanted, I could go home alone. He was fine with any of those choices and would do whatever I wanted. So I told him he could come over. When we got back, my roommate was gone so we went to my room and then we watched some YouTube videos. We started making out and it was nice. He's a really good kisser and really gentle. We started getting hotter and heavier and finally ended up naked, but I didn't want to have sex, so we didn't and he was okay with it. He didn't pressure, push or prod. We just did other things and when we were finished, we cuddled and kissed and spooned and he rubbed my back. I asked him if he planned on staying the night, to which he replied, "Do you want me to stay?" I told him I did and so he said he would stay over. I woke up this morning with him spooning me and kissing my shoulders, so we fooled around a bit more. He gets up early like me, so it was like 7 am at this point. He got dressed after and we talked some more until he decided to leave at 8:15.

I am so happy right now. I'm hoping this is good. I'm proud of myself for not giving it up, but also proud that I didn't do the complete opposite and refuse to do what felt natural. I'm a sexual being and I like the connection. It doesn't mean I have to throw myself at every guy I date, but it also doesn't mean I have to act like a nun either. And MM seemed to respect that and I liked it. I just hope I hear from him after today. I'm super nervous. =\

2008. a year in review.

I'm slow, what can I say? So this review is happening a bit later than it should've. Let's go through the year, the lessons learned, and the ridiculous craziness that is me!

Last year this time I was living in San Francisco and hating it. I had friends that I cared about, but I wasn't living the life I had pictured for myself. There were four things that defined my year (in no particular order):

1. San Francisco
2. Tech Guy
3. Blood clot
4. New York


San Francisco. Oh, San Francisco. Where do we begin? I both love and hate that city. I think that the Bay Area isn't done with me yet, but it is for the foreseeable future. I really did love carving out a life for myself. It was nice to see that I could do it and do it on my own terms. It was the first time that I was financially independent, completely and totally free from my parents. I could do what I wanted, go where I wanted. I loved being so far away because it made me feel like an adult. I had to do everything myself - there was no family there, no crutches to lean on. The city itself is beautiful - absolutely beautiful! The water all around, the beautiful landscapes. I loved my little rituals - coffee and writing on the weekends at the Starbucks in SoMa, Thursday night dinners at my place or Freshman Year Best Friend's place. Biscuits and John Adams with MB. Clubbing in the Marina, eating at Mamacita's in the Marina. Shuttling it to my job in the South Bay. Man, oh man - the memories. Even though I was only there for 9 months, San Francisco almost feels like where I grew up. It was where I discovered that I can be self-sufficient and that I can work full-time and still have a life. I created a life out there and it was special to me, even though it ultimately ended up not being the best place for me.

Tech Guy. I will never ever be able to truly forget him. He was my first real adult relationship. It wasn't perfect, it wasn't well defined, but it was 8 months of ups-and-downs, highs and lows, and some really great memories. He was the first guy who would text and call me out of the blue. The first guy that truly made me feel desirable and interesting. He was also the first guy to really break my heart. He taught me about what I need in a relationship and in a man, and I will always value him for that reason. I learned that monogamy is not a bad thing, I learned to get comfortable with someone else's body AND, more importantly, to let someone get comfortable with mine. There were so many awesome sexual encounters and so many new things I got to try, since, for once, I was sleeping with one man who was only sleeping with me. I liked that =) I also got to deal with the heartache of watching him move on before I did. Sometimes I'm still not sure that I'm over it. Regardless, it was a great learning experience and I really valued my time with him.

Blood clot. HOLY SHIT I ALMOST DIED THIS YEAR. AWESOME! Hahaha. I shouldn't even laugh, cuz I spent about two months crying myself to sleep cuz I was afraid I would die and never wake up. Let me tell you - that shit is scary. When you think your life is over and that you're going to die. Even scarier - realizing that your body won't be the same for months, maybe even years. I couldn't stay up past 8 pm for 3 months. I fell asleep on dates. I couldn't even screw my (sorta) boyfriend. How fucked up is that! It was just so strange to grapple with death at the age of 22. You never think your body will fail you and then all of a sudden it does, and you're left with the shocking awareness of your own mortality. I became a different person after getting sick. Things changed. I learned that I need to be in control of my health. I had to give myself a fucking shot, twice a day, for God's sakes. But, I got through it and I did what needed to be done and I think I'm doing pretty damn well right now.

New York. Ah - the second chapter of my year. I love New York City. I always have and I always will. Moving back here was crazy, though. The whole apartment debacle was just ridiculous. It almost ruined my relationship with my mother. However, it worked out and I'm living with amazing roommates in an amazing apartment that overlooks the East River. Sure, I'm paying through the nose for it, but it's worth it. Moving back here helped me reconnect with old friends and make some new ones. I love hanging out with the MCMers that are in NY and I'm so happy that I got to get closer to kids from high school that I never thought I'd talk to again. I've made new friends at work and I have a pretty kickass roommate/coworker who I'm getting closer to all the time. It feels so good to be here right now.

So yeah, that's 2008. Stay tuned for resolutions/look ahead tomorrow.

happy new year!

It is 2009 - holy shit! I can't believe another year has passed. I'm living in New York City!! Can you believe that? Sometimes I honestly can't. It's amazing. I know I usually do the whole rundown thing, but I want to save that for tomorrow. I'm just not really wanting to think backwards right now. I'm all about the forward movement.

Okay, so I have a confession to make. I think I'm smitten with this new guy and I haven't even met him yet. Which is problematic, of course, but it feels so good. Due to the ridiculousness that is the holiday season, coupled with the fact that his apartment is currently being renovated, we haven't been able to work anything out, which means that the date has been shelved for a bit. He's going to try to make it out to Manhattan for us to grab dinner and drinks this weekend, but basically he has to be around to oversee the construction, so it all depends on when these workers decide they want to work. Sigh. But, I'm just so loopy about this one. I haven't been excited about a boy in FOREVER. I just love the conversations and the fact that he's always texting me and that we can talk for hours. It's amazing. It's the perfect conversation too - there's plenty of sexual innuendos and we talk about sex and all that, but then we also have these deep convos about our lives and our passions and what we want to do with our futures. I'm just afraid that something is going to go horribly wrong. I feel so silly anyway, considering we haven't met yet. I feel like a 15 year old girl who just discovered AOL and has an online boyfriend - haha. But, seriously, this boy seems totally legit, attractive, self-assured, motivated, and into me. Like he thinks I'm interesting. Me! He thinks I'm interesting and he likes talking to me and says I have a wonderful personality and all these nice things and I'm shocked. I guess I just never see myself as being a desirable mate. I mean, no one ever wants to date me. Seriously. I'm undateable. Most men just see me as fun girl who likes to drink, wears a DD bra, and gives good head. Not exactly marriage material. So to hear that he finds me intriguing and funny and witty and deep - that's just nice. I'm tired of everything being about the sex, ya know? I like sex, but I do have a brain and I like men to acknowledge and respect that. So I'm hoping that this will be good. Because I could use a little bit of good right now.

Anywho, I'll update on NYE and the party and the resolutions tomorrow. =)