Craziness.

So in the past two days, I've had this crazy roller coaster of emotional ridiculousness. After that post about how happy I was on Wednesday, I had a rough day at the office, which caused me to go home, drink wine and cry my eyes out. It was awful. I calmed down long enough to talk to MB and the promise of getting out of town for a bit and the fact that my new job starts in about 4 weeks was really the only thing that made it okay. I still wish I could be a hermit for a little while, but it doesn't look like that's in the cards.

Yesterday was much better. Work was less shitty (still shitty, but less shitty), and then the girls all did the work-sponsored Happy Hour where we kvetched about why our friends are in such horrible relationship situations. We facebooked people and gossiped shamelessly and it was really what I needed. Walked home with Jax and another girl from the office, where I told them what was up with me and The Intellectual. Then I got home and got ready for him to come over.

He got to my place pretty late - it was like 9:30 PM. I was a little mad because I was tired, and when he got there he was mad because of something that happened to him on the bus, but we got into my room and got into bed and turned the TV on. Which was so pointless because we ended up talking through most of it. We talked more seriously this time - about our lives and ourselves. I told him about the problems I've been having with a friend of mine and I talked about TG and his new girlfriend (I don't care if I'm not supposed to talk about those things - I like to be upfront). He told me about what he's reading and the stories he's working on writing and his class. He also mentioned that he's not using Match anymore - he just let it expire, which he said surprised him.  I told him I'd done the same thing. He said he wanted to focus more on himself in 2009 - writing and reading and getting something published. He said he wanted to get rid of unnecessary female drama (I don't know if I'm a part of that or not - I think not, though). He asked me about my situation and I told him I wasn't seeing anyone else anymore. I didn't say it like that, but I just said I wanted to stop seeing people I wasn't into and I told him about NYU Law Guy and how that ended. I teased him about never seeing his place and he said I'm welcome to come over whenever and that I'll definitely see it.

We hooked up, but no sex because of my period (ughhh). I kinda wanted to use it as an excuse to be all about him this time and I did. I think he was happy. When he finished, he was like "why would that guy (meaning TG) ever dump you?" Haha - that made me laugh. We just teased each other a lot and he was wayyy more affectionate. More face-touching and playing with my hair. He stayed pretty late and we just talked and cuddled more. Since I couldn't do anything fun, I asked him if he'd rub my back for me. "Absolutely," he said and gave me an amazing back massage, so I was happy. Before he left, he asked me if College BFF (who I talk about a lot with him) knows about him. I told him that she does and that I tell her everything (minus details). Then he asked if Jax (my roommate) knew we were hooking up. I told him "I don't think she thinks we're in here playing cards." HAHA - I'm such an ass. I guess he just wanted to know where he stands, if I tell my friends about him. TG always said I was mysterious and he'd often ask me if my friends knew I was seeing someone. So maybe that's why he wants to know. I don't know.

Anyway, I'm in a really good mood today - mostly because of him and it's scary. I'm just so afraid this is going to blow up in my face, which is why I'm walking on eggshells right now. We'll see.

so far this week is awesome!

I'm really excited right now and I hardly even know why. It was like yesterday all of these things lined up and it was great and good and wonderful and I'm happy. All this hermit stuff is totally paying off - I'm eating better than I have in a while, I'm exercising, I'm getting to work early and being more productive. I'm truly enjoying focusing on myself and trying to do the right things for my body and my mind. I've been reading a lot lately and it's just the right mix of fluff and serious stuff. Bought a book called Virgin, about the history of virginity and I'm plugging through the Twilight series and Outliers. It's nice. I read magazines at the gym and I've discovered a new musical soundtrack to swoon over (The Last Five Years is amazing!).  Things are good.

I finally got my period yesterday, which was a relief because I was freaking out that I was pregnant, which is what happens when you have an overactive imagination. The Intellectual texted me last night and wants to come over on Thursday so we can watch the Real World. I'm happy about that - I like when he comes over. It's very relaxing - just cuddling and watching TV and occasionally hooking up. I think I can handle that level of social interaction.

Yesterday, at work, I found out that I'm going to California twice in the next month or so! A short visit in March and a longer visit in April. For some reason, this made me unnaturally happy. I think I really miss California sometimes. Don't get me wrong - NYC is awesome and I love my friends here and my roommate and the life I've made, but I miss certain aspects of California. The San Francisco weather, all the crazy festivals, naked bike riders, Golden Gate park, my favorite restaurants and bars. I miss all of that. And the attitude of SF - everything is so much slower paced than New York, which can get frustrating at times, but is nice at others. Don't get me wrong - I remember the shitty parts of SF, too. The commute, the roommate drama, the fact that everything closes at 2 am. But, I still miss the freedom and independence I felt there. So I'm glad my new position is going to bring me out to Cali a lot more often.

Anyhow, things are looking up. Today I plan on grocery shopping and making a lovely chicken dinner for myself, hitting up the gym, and chatting with MB on the phone. Nice =)

personal day. week. month. year?

I am really sick and tired of doing things I don't want to do. Have you ever gotten like that? Where you just don't want to be bothered with anything or anyone and you want to do your own thing? I think I'm becoming a hermit. Not like crazy, Una-bomber status or anything like that, more like crazy cat lady status. And to be quite honest, I really don't mind. I feel like I give so much of myself to the outside world. Not that I'm some crazy altruistic, do-gooder, because I'm not. I've always been kind of selfish and narcissistic - although I prefer the term introspective because it sounds better. But, I have this ridiculous sense of guilt and duty that forces me to feel bad when I'm not there for others or when I don't get all my work done (no matter how unrealistic it would be to finish everything).

So I've decided that I just can't do it anymore. This week, I'm going to work reasonable hours, and I'm going to just try and make them count a little more. I plan on going home no later than 5:30 PM every day this week. I want to work out and cook myself dinner every night, instead of mindlessly shoving food down my throat. I also don't really feel like being social. There are a select few people that I enjoy talking to and I will communicate with them, but I have no desire to really communicate with anyone else. I promised College BFF that she could stay this weekend, so I can't go back on that, but outside of a Friday night graduation party, I really don't have any desire to go out and I probably won't. I just don't want to deal with anything - I want to relax. Hopefully Sunday will be a nice, relaxing day. I just need a break.

So, if you know me IRL and I'm acting strange, I just need some time to myself. Anyone who's known me for a while knows that I'm super-moody, so fret not. I'm just hoping to make this a positive, productive sort of moodiness. 

want to curl up and go away.

Ugh, I'm not happy right now. I'm just tired and stressed and not feeling like dealing with people. I'm not looking forward to this week/end, where I'll be forced to be social and will probably get nothing done. Blerg. I just cannot wait until I can relax, which probably won't be until March. I need work to stop stressing me, I need engineers to stop being dicks, and I need time to exercise and cook and take care of myself. I need boundaries - times when I just stop doing whatever I'm doing regardless of whether I've gotten as far as I want. I think I'm going to come in later tomorrow and sleep in and get some rest. I need to stop pressuring myself or I'm going to crack up.

consolidation.

I'm trying to get a hold on my life right now - everything kind of feels like it's spinning out of control and the Virgo side of me is definitely not pleased. I have this insane desire to compartmentalize, make tons of list, and streamline everything. I feel like I'm being sloppy at work, for the sole reason that there's so much to do that I have no time to focus on process. Although, to be perfectly honest, I don't give a shit because I currently have 27 working days left in my current role before I move on. Cannot wait to archive all my e-mails and be done with scheduling forever!

I want to focus on my future and what I want to do with my life. What am I passionate about? What about law school? Need to write personal statements and focus on applications and getting things sent out. I ordered my transcripts today and as soon as they come in, I'll decide on professors to ask for recommendations and get the ball rolling. What about my writing? How do I make it a legitimate thing that I do, instead of a hobby? Speaking of hobbies, I have too many blogs and too many e-mail addresses. Cannot handle it. I need to streamline things some more. I have the e-mail for this blog, my personal address, my professional address(es), and then another random e-mail address that I should just scrap. I have so many blogs - too many blogs. I need to figure all of that out and work on it. Then I have my tumblr, my twitter, my facebook account, LinkedIn. I need to figure out how to make things more efficient so that I can update and feel connected on all levels. Part of my thinks that de-anonymizing this blog could be nice, so that I could link everything together, but I know that that's not a good idea, so I'll just have to deal with having a public online life and a (semi) private one.

Need to get my health in order. I've been trying really hard to be good about diet and exercise, but work is getting in the way. I need to learn how to effectively budget my time and also how to make time for myself, because it's truly important to not only have a life outside of work, but to take care of yourself - time to cook, clean, and work out.

I don't know how I'm going to make this happen, but it's totally necessary and I want to start as soon as humanly possible. By March 1st, I'd like to have some systems in place to help me work on this. I feel like things are slipping through the cracks and I don't like that.

breaking my 9 month dry spell.

For 9 months I've abstained from intercourse. I don't know what it is about my new life in NYC, but I just don't want to screw around with someone that I don't know or trust. It's a cold, cruel world out there and I don't think that I should be sleeping with people I'm not at least a little bit attached to. Of course, you all know that I'm no saint, so I can't completely stop fooling around, but I've told myself that sex (defined by me as penis in vagina) is off the menu until I feel like I'm ready.

On Thursday, the Intellectual and I finally hung out again. He's been sick for a while and then I was in DC and we've had trouble coordinating, but we were able to make Thursday work for us. He came over in the midst of craziness in our apartment (TV and cable had gone out and Jax was PISSED), so after we settled that problem, he and I sat down to talk in my kitchen. He brought over doughnuts (lol) and offered me one, which I turned down, of course, because I'm picky. He caught on to that fact and was asking me about my food quirks. "I think we'll be spending a lot more time together, so I don't want to bring you something you don't like." That kind of creeped me out, but I'm trying not to get scared by the potential of a future relationship.

We moved into my room after a while and crawled into bed (him half-naked, me fully clothed) to watch my TiVo since it was really the only thing to do with no cable or internet. We just snuggled for a bit until things got kind of hot and heavy and then we ended up sleeping together. It was good and he respected my wishes about going slow and being careful. The pain was only so-so and went away pretty quickly, so thank goodness for that. Then we cuddled some more and watched Gilmore Girls (ha!). I felt closer to him afterwards and then he was all "I'm going to leave soon" and I didn't really want him to leave yet, so I kinda sprawled out on his lap. "Are you trying to get me to stay?" he asked. "No. You can go home if you want." But, he stayed for a little bit and gave me a massage since I told him about how work is stressing me out like whoa. Then after a bit, we got dressed and I walked him out. He kissed me and told me not to let work stress me out and to have fun at home this weekend and I think he called me baby, but I can't be sure because he sorta mumbled it. It was weird.

I don't know what I think. I'm still on the fence. At first, I wanted to cry because I had slept with someone that wasn't TG but also wasn't a one-night stand and that felt weird. He did different things (not necessarily bad, but just different) and I'm not quite used to that yet, since TG was really the only long-standing sexual relationship I've ever had. I also don't know what this means and if it'll change anything. I still don't know what I want yet. Or what he wants. But obviously, until I figure it out, we can't have any real conversations because I'm so confused. I don't know. I'm just gonna go with the flow - I mean, whatever happens, happens. I just don't want to get involved if I don't think I can handle it. I need someone who's going to be patient. So far, he appears to understand my phobias, but who knows. People get frustrated by that sometimes.

Anyhow, I'll report back with updates, but for now I'm fairly pleased.

1 year ago today.

So one year ago today I had a blood clot in my lung. It was literally the scariest thing I've ever gone through and it set in motion a lot of decisions that have profoundly affected my life.

I wasn't really a happy person when I was in San Francisco, especially not in the beginning. I had a complicated roommate situation, I felt like I didn't have any "real" friends in the city (with two notable exceptions) and commuting back and forth 3 hours a day was a giant pain in the ass. However, I honestly think that if I hadn't have had my blood clot, I probably would've toughed it out and things would've gotten better. I mean, when I left SF my heart broke - sometimes I still miss my friends there and TG and how absolutely beautiful California can be. But, getting sick like that changes something inside you and I knew that I didn't want to be so far away from my family and my oldest friends anymore. Basically, from the second I heard the diagnosis, I decided that it was time to move back to NYC, to be closer to my parents and my support system.

I was 22 years old when it happened and it was such a rude awakening - to know that your body can fail you at 22. I mean, damn - if I can almost die at 22, can you imagine how weak and helpless I could be at 42 or 62?! I cried myself to sleep most nights for a month scared to death that I was never going to wake up. It got so bad that my mother started calling me every day to make sure I wasn't flipping my shit. I hate when people worry about me like that, but I was really that weak and helpless at the time. I mean, I could barely stay up past 8 pm. I wasn't really doing anything but sleeping, waking up, going to work, repeat. I didn't have sex for months because it was too much strain on my body. I would fall asleep at inappropriate times. It was truly awful. 

As most of you know, I got the clot from going on the pill, only solidifying my aversion to birth control. Don't get me wrong - the pill is a wonderful thing, an excellent addition to the women's health movement and it's allowed so many women to express their sexuality without fear of inopportune pregnancy, but I must say this. The pill is not candy - it's a drug, a serious drug, and so many people don't seem to realize what can happen when things go wrong. Never again will I take medication so lightly, without fully understanding the possible side effects of what I put into my body. If I take only one lesson away from this experience, it will be that.

I am definitely not the same person I was on February 17th, 2008. But I'm also not the same person I was on February 18th, 2008. I fear death much less than I used to; I no longer cry myself to sleep. However, I like to think that I've learned something about myself. Through the clot, I met a community of young women like me, who had the same thing happen to them. I learned that I am so much stronger and capable than I ever thought I would be (I still can't believe I injected myself on a daily basis for almost 2 months!). 

Everything happens for a reason. Everything is meant to teach you something. I'm not happy this happened to me, but it wasn't the end of the world and ultimately, it made me a stronger person. For that I am grateful.

general status update.

I've been debating what to blog about today. I don't particularly feel like talking about my weekend (it was fun) and I figure I'll save updates about The Intellectual for when I actually see him on Thursday, so I guess that leaves me with just a general update.

I'm feeling a little better about the friend thing, although shit like that always has me on my guard. I mean, who can you really trust? But, after venting with Senior Year Roommate I feel better. Shit happens, you know? I'm not perfect, I certainly can't expect anyone else to be. I just have to hope that I don't make any of the same mistakes.

I've been thinking a lot about men lately and about what I will and won't tolerate. I think I've decided that while I'm not looking for perfection (because I know I won't find it), I'm going to respect myself enough not to get involved in relationships that I think are not positive for me. I just don't want to settle on some fronts. I think the fear of being alone, coupled with insecurity and doubt, often leads people (myself included) to make poor relationship choices and I don't want any of that. I want to honestly evaluate the men I date and set limits and boundaries around what is and isn't acceptable. I guess I just want someone who will mesh well with me, but also with my friends and family. So I'm going to try my hardest to remember that being alone isn't always bad and being involved isn't always good. Um, yeah. 

So that's me right now. Tomorrow I'll update about me 1 year clot anniversary. Yay!

i'm a little peeved.

I have amazing friends. I know I do and I love them and I will forgive them almost anything. I just want to preface with that because this weekend so many of my friends have ticked me off. I'm angry and I want to vent a little, because this is what this blog is for. I don't think any of the issues I'm having right now are friendship-breaking, but I hate when I feel like people let me down. My friends are my support system - they keep me sane and grounded and happy. When I lose a part of that, I get so frickin' upset. Honestly, I do. Because I expect so much more from them. I try to be the best friend and I can be, and I know sometimes I falter, but it just sucks when your friends pull shit you don't like.

I'm not going to get into detail about things (and one person has already apologized profusely for what happened - and we're good, really we are, so it's fine), but I just have one thing I have to say. I *hate* when my friends judge my lifestyle (heh, that sounds like I'm a swinger or something - I'm not). I understand that you may not agree with some of things I do with my life or my body, but you take them up with me. Don't run around telling our mutual friends that you think I have a problem when you have little to no evidence to back your shit up. I'm serious. Just come to me, as an individual and talk it out. I know that friends talk about friends behind their backs - this is natural, and I understand it. But if it's something you think is so serious that you need to have an "intervention" or whatever, take that up with me. UGH. I just get so angry especially when I feel like said judgment is unwarranted and unsupported by any evidence. Let me stop, though, before I get even more heated than I already am.

Serenity now, right? Haha.

Anyway, all this friendship bullcrap has made me upset and I found myself having pangs of sadness over TG today. I'm so unstable about men. I need my friends to be there for me, because I can't do this shit alone. When they screw up, it just makes everything else come crashing down. Oh well, tomorrow's a new day.

notes to myself

First of all, apologies for not blogging for, like, ever. I will try to make sure that doesn't happen again. The trip to DC and work craziness has kept me from blogging and I feel awful!

Secondly, for myself - things to blog about in the coming week

• Updates with The Intellectual (who I'm seeing on Wed)
• The general state of my being
• Jama's party
• Weekend in DC

Okay, I will talk about those things during the week. Yay!

totally inappropriate.

Ha! I have nothing to talk about and I totally shouldn't be updating, so instead I'll share some new inappropriate conversations with TG. Yay! So the other day, he invited me to join his Latitude network - the new stalking tool that Google has created. Of course I declined and IMmed him saying I thought it was a little too much (the program in general). Then two nights ago, I put a twitter message up, which he commented on:

me: watching the history of sex and going to bed.

he: by yourself? :-P

Creepy! Haha - I just thought it was a little inappropriately flirtatious, but whatevs. 

THEN yesterday, he IMmed me saying he needed a haircut (umm, that's nice - thanks for telling me?). So we go on talking and I tell him about the new blog ventures that I have, when he makes a really inappropriate comment. Convo below:

me: I want it to be about issues of sex and sexuality for the modern woman.

me: Of course I have no time for this.

he: Sounds like a good blog. There's the Bay Guardian's Ask A Porn Star column. And Violet Blue. And all of those. I hear the way to break in is to sleep with an A-list female blogger and let me video tape ;-)

Sweet Jesus! I never know how to respond to comments like that from him. Since he's in a relationship, I don't think he should say these things to me. They're just inappropriate and wrong. Maybe I'm overreacting. I mean, I'm not mad - because I'm over it and have other things/boys to think about, but still. I just don't want to feel slimy after I talk to him.

Oh well...

work updates!

So yesterday I got some really good news and now that it's confirmed I can share it. I will be staying in NYC and moving into a permanent, non-rotational position as a coordinator for the engineering HR operations team. Woo hoo! Basically this means that they're not sending me back to CA (thank God), I no longer have to schedule interviews for engineering candidates, AND I get to work with my old team whom I love and miss dearly. I'll also probably get to spend a fair amount of time in CA, which I like. I won't have to live there, but I'll get to visit often. Yay!

I'm so happy! For the past few months, I've felt like my work isn't important and isn't visible and I'm happy to move into a permanent position where I can do good work and get recognized for it. Plus I think I just mesh better with the other team, especially when it comes to personality. I'm not going to lie - I'm totally scared. This new job will be high-visibility and high- stress and I'll have to work long hours and really turn it on 24/7. However, I'm totally ready for it. My current position isn't challenging me in any way and I need to start doing meaningful, productive work. Cannot wait.

I wish I could talk more, but I'm swamped with scheduling. More later!

i kinda wanna cancel my date.

Not to give it more credit than it's due, but after seeing He's Just Not That Into You, I'm debating canceling my date with NYU Law. Honestly, I don't think that either of us are really into each other. So what's the point of continuing the charade, especially when I'm tired as hell and I'm not all that physically attracted to him? Plus, there's the possibility of The Intellectual coming over instead. It was heartbreaking to have to tell him I was busy tonight when I knew I was just going to end up going out with a guy that I have no spark with.

I guess I just struggle with this aspect of dating. On the one hand, there's nothing wrong with this guy and he's nice and sweet and friendly. We go to nice places, he pays for things - it's good. We have pretty decent conversation - nothing spectacular, but it's not boring. So why not continue to see him and see if a spark develops? On the other hand, who am I kidding? I don't see myself getting naked with him, he doesn't excite me - I don't even think about our dates until the day of. Meanwhile, I think about The Intellectual at least once a day. I still haven't sorted out my feelings for him, but he's exciting me a hell of a lot more than NYU Law Guy.

So maybe I'm just not that into NYU Guy and instead of continuing to see him, I should break it off. I don't want to drag this out any longer than necessary.

light, fun new york weekend.

This weekend was nice - the right mix of social activity, writing, and planning. I got ridiculously wasted on Friday night at 8 PM. I don't know what happened, but Jamz and I went to go check out this venue for his birthday party. We had three drinks each, and with no food, my head was spinning. Ended up crashing in my bed at 9:00 PM and sleeping until 2:40 AM. Whoops! Spent Saturday night with Slind and Jamz - we ate dinner and then saw He's Just Not That Into You, which surprisingly I liked. I thought it was cute, although it was cringeworthy how awkward Ginnifer Goodwin's character was. After that, I walked home from Times Square. I really cannot wait until the spring because I love long walks alone. You get to think about things and there's so much that goes through my head when I'm walking home. It's nice =)

In other news, my apartment was a shitshow this weekend! Basically when I was up around 3:00 AM on Friday, my other roommate and her boyfriend came in and were slamming things around and yelling at each other. It was domestic drama at it's finest. However, nothing can top what happened last night. I got in around 1:30 AM to find my roomie sleeping naked (well I thought she was naked, she just had a low-cut dress on) on the couch. Weird, I thought. I said hey to her and went to my room where I closed and locked the door. About 5 minutes later, there's this furious pounding on my door and someone's trying to get in. I hear someone running in the halls and banging on all of the doors. Jax comes out of her room and was like "Wait. You're not Other Roommate." So I freak out cuz someone's in our apartment and I come out and there's this small girl totally freaking out - she's drunk or strung-out or whatever and she's crying like hell. Turns out she's our other roommate's friend who is visiting and she's having some sort of freakout.

I run and grab the roommate while Jax takes the girl to the bathroom. Our other roommate then takes over. So I think everything is all over and done with but then I hear all this yelling and it's other roommate yelling at this girl - "You're ruining everything! Just fucking go to sleep! Lay down! What the fuck is wrong with you!?!?" Insane - and it continues like that intermittently for about 2 hours. Shit is wild. I can't wait to gossip with Jax about it later. Oh, to be young and living with roommates in Manhattan!

Anyway, doing laundry and getting ready for L's birthday brunch. Wee!

getting on top of my shit.

As emotionally okay as I've felt lately, I'm still striving to be more on top of things in my life. My main problem is that essentially I'm two people warring inside one body. There's one part of me that is ridiculously anal - loves lists, planning, and organization. Then there's the other part of me that is scatterbrained, chaotic, and loves spontaneity. Somehow I have to reconcile these differences. I'm pretty organized when it comes to my office, but my home is a mess. I really need to go through my room and get rid of all of the shit that doesn't need to be there, clean my clothing/towels/sheets, and go through the fridge. I should decorate. My room has a theme, but I have nothing on the walls - time to rectify that. I also think I need to move some of my furniture around because the current setup isn't really working.

Then there's my personal life. I'm still not sure how I feel about the boy thing. I don't know if I want to actively start looking or if I just want to chill out. I know I'm seeing two people right now, but I don't know where any of that is going, so I need to figure out my game plan (or my non-game plan, if that's what it comes to). I need a new routine - more working out, healthier eating, maybe some volunteer work and meeting some new people. I have about 7 months until I turn 24 and I still don't really feel like I'm where I wanted to be at this stage in my life. My finances are slowly but surely getting better, but I need to start saving more and start attacking my debt more aggressively.

This is nothing new, of course, but I'm just hoping that maybe this time I'm serious about it and I won't let myself get derailed. I get derailed wayyy too often and I need to prioritizing. I don't know if you can have everything, but I'm going to try.

zen.

Lately, I really haven't felt much like blogging. I don't know why - that's not like me. I like to document everything I do, even my most mundane tasks. Although, I suppose with the way social media is spreading like wildfire, I pretty much already do that. There's facebook and twitter and tumblr, each one of those captures various aspects of my life and my personality.

Life is surprisingly okay. I feel like I really need to start getting serious about eating right and working out. Hearing that TG is getting a trainer and trying hard to lose all the weight he's gained has only added to my desire to be thinner. That and the fact that the man that I'm currently hooking up with looks like he was sculpted from marble. Although, I don't think he really has any problems with me. I told him I was going on a diet and he asked me, "why?" HAHA. Gotta love that.

I'm trying to be positive and upbeat because sometimes work and co-workers and stress make me angry and I want to lash out at people, but I know that that's not the best way to do things. So I'm calming my temper down. I've been very zen lately. It's almost odd. I'm so used to being owned and controlled by my emotions that it's strange when I'm not wigging out. I'm even shocked about this boy thing. I mean, I like the Intellectual and I frequently crave more contact with him, but I don't act on it. And I'm not upset about not acting on it. I just think - oh, I'd like to talk to him - and then I decide not to, and then it's fine. I guess maybe I should reach out a little, but I'm perfectly fine not doing it. I'm just ho humming along.

I swear I'll try and do something interesting so I can write about it, but right now it's all quiet on the western front.

surprisingly tranquil.

Shockingly enough, my personal life is not falling to pieces and I'm pretty happy with everything that's on the horizon. Let's take a moment to process that. *moment* Wow - I'm not angsty about anything, I'm not freaking out about a man, I'm just going with the flow. This is awesome. My work life kind of sucks right now, but true to form, I'm just dealing with it the best I can and counting down the days until rotation. I can't really do anything else. I almost cried yesterday, but it's okay - today is much better.

Lately, I've realized that I need to chill out. I was talking to BFF this morning about this awful guy situation she's in and all I could think was - "I'm really tired of this stuff." But instead of being angry about how it keeps happening or getting depressed, I just felt calm. Things will happen when they're supposed to happen - I just have to trust in that. Right now I'm seeing two men who are keeping me busy, but aren't stressing me out. And I'm not going to stress them out or stress myself out. Whatever happens, happens. That's all I can do is just wait and see.

My friend situation is great. I've been going out more and being more active and it's been nice. I've seen college friends and high school friends and work friends - it's a really nice mix. I've decided I'm going to take some classes at NYU - probably not until the summer, but I think it'll be good to do something for myself. Most likely writing classes, because I miss writing and a course will force me to do it. I've also set aside time this weekend to go and write and work on my screenplay, so I feel pretty good about that. Things are good. Things are very good. =)

sorry i've been MIA...

Work is killing me - literally killing me. It's intern season and with the recruiting layoffs, we're now all doing three times the work, which means that I have little time to update. I'm so afraid of my future at my job right now that I feel extra pressure to perform, even though it's impossible to get all of my work done. So that is why I'm behind on my blog entries and my written journal. But life goes on, and documenting that life must go on as well. So I'm going to sneak some time today to talk about what happened when the Intellectual came over the other night.

Let me start out by saying that I kind of like him. I have no idea why - because I still don't trust him. I think he's friends with farrrr too many women for my taste and God only knows what he does in his spare time, so I'm still being cautious. However, he's growing on me in a very real way. I'll leave it at that.

He came by around 9 pm on Monday night and immediately commandeered my computer - scanning through my music. He was all - "we probably listen to the same types of music." I told him unless he's a 40 year old gay man, I doubt that's true. I rock the showtunes like nobody's business - haha. So we talked a little bit - he's going through some family things and then we just chatted about our weeks and our weekends and whatnot. Then he started putting the moves on me, all the while telling me to keep talking and that he was listening, but instead I asked him if he wanted to put on a movie. (note: I have major issues with hooking up in my apartment, so I always need background noise and music creeps me out) He wanted to watch Mean Girls (HAHA); I laughed in his face and vetoed that. So then he picked Knocked Up, so I put that on. 

He's super aggressive - like he pretty much just got naked right then and there. So I discovered that he has a tattoo - some sort of dragon thing on his (well-defined, muscular) arm. Haha - clearly I'm distracted by his hotness. So we get into bed and he barely gives me time to relax before he wants to hook up. We ended up not having sex for various reasons that I won't get into here (I like to keep some of my personal life personal), but on the plus side - we had the discussion. The 'I'm afraid to sleep with you because you're the most well-endowed man I've ever come across' discussion. It went well. He laughed it off at first until he realized I was actually serious. Then he gave me the whole 'I won't hurt you, I promise, I'll be gentle, etc' speech. I'm just glad I spoke my piece because far too often, I hop into bed with these men without discussing things that really matter to me - fears, concerns, questions. It's nice to at least feel comfortable vocalizing them. But, anyhow - the hookup was nice. Then I got tired, so he decided to leave. He chatted with my roommate for a bit (I loooove that he's so nice and friendly and not at all awkward with Jax - that makes me really happy) and then he went on his way.

I wanted to text him SO BADLY yesterday, but I held out. And then he texted me - yay! I won! HAHA. So I hope he wants to kick it again sometime soon. Um, yeah... that's that.

Also - NYU Law wants to go out again! Wee! 

second date.

So NYU Law Student and I went out on a date last night. It was pretty nice, all-in-all. We saw this whacked out Swedish movie, Let the Right One In. It was like a vampire, child love story. I really liked it, shockingly, and I like that he's into the whole indie movie thing. It was pretty sweet. Afterwards we went to this bar, The Pegu Club. It was really nice and swanky. We had ridiculously overpriced, but oh so delicious drinks, and just chatted. Then he walked me home! Which was nuts, cuz it was a really long walk and cold, but when he found out that my intention was to walk, he came with. I felt kind of guilty since we just ended the night with a hug. I mean, he's not particularly sexually aggressive, but I wonder if he wasn't walking me home because he wanted to be invited in. I mean, I wasn't in the mood and I'm still not sure if he's aggressive enough for me, but I did feel badly. Then I realized that I shouldn't feel badly about it because it's our second date and just because he walked me home doesn't obligate me to do anything. Plus I actually think he's just a really nice guy.

On one hand, it's nice to be with someone who's a good person, but I just don't know if I feel sparks quite yet. I usually need a little hint of something to feel interested. Just knowing that they have some kind of naughty side. I'm a highly sexual person, so I kind of need that tension to get me through and I don't think we're there. I mean, it could happen, but who knows? I just hate when I feel like I'm going to have to be the aggressor. I'm not good at it. I like men to take the lead on those things, but maybe it's time to reevaluate my strategy.

In other news, I'm really excited about The Intellectual coming over tomorrow night. Now he excites me sexually - haha. And intellectually, I suppose, as well. I just don't know if I trust him 100%. Well, I guess this is dating in the real world. God help me.