i don't think i've mentioned all my roommate drama.

With all the craziness of men and work, I think I neglected to mention that we had some major roommate shit go down in the past couple of weeks. Well, you all know that I get along with J1 very well. However, J2 is a slightly different story. Basically, we had that incident where she had her cracked out friend who ran around drunk, in her underwear, crying and shrieking for hours. You know, the one who broke through the lock on J1's bedroom! Hahaha - yeah, that incident. Then there's the loud sex issue (loud sex that woke up my friend who was visiting - hi uncomf!), as well as the loudness in general. Anyway, the whole thing has been a shitshow. Not trying to get too far into it, because I don't want to be bitchy, but it basically hasn't been the best roomie experience I've ever had.

While in California, J1 and I get this e-mail from her telling us that she wants to move out to live with her boyfriend, breaking our lease and leaving us stranded. She wrote this long, drawn-out e-mail about her relationship with her boyfriend (Breaking news! We're not friends! I don't care! haha). Naturally, J1 and I flip out because we don't want to be stranded and stuck paying for the apartment on our own. Turns out that that's not what she was proposing, but that she wants to find a subletter for the final 3 months. I'm not really enthused about all of this - great, a stranger living in my house for 3 months! Yet another potential psycho to get used to! 

So we had an awkward lunch at work about it (J1, J2, and I all work at the same company). I was dead silent, which I felt bad about, but I had nothing (nice) to say, so I just kept my mouth shut. Tonight we're meeting out potential new roommate, who may or may not speak English and may or may not be crazy, because I'm convinced that J2 is. So yeah, this sucks. I'll keep you posted on the meeting. Fucking hate roommates! Well, roommates I didn't know before I lived with them. Sigh.

blocked.

I'm having a life block right now. I guess I still haven't fully adjusted from how hard we worked out in California, but I'm having a lot of difficulty getting back into the swing of things. I go to work most days on the later side (we're working Pacific time - so I get in anywhere between 10 and 11 am) and then there's not much to do, so I just putz around until it's time to go home. Get home around 7 pm and then I vegetate and watch lots and lots of tivo. I haven't done anything constructive, even though I have a ton of laundry to do. I've just been sitting around like a bump on a log. Hopefully I'll perk up come May 1 (Friday) and start my new summer social calendar. I need to start getting out. This will be my first weekend in my apartment in a long while. Past two weekends were spent in SF and the one before that on Long Island. I need a good New York City weekend. Yes.

men are complicated.

So the great pendulum that is my love life is swinging again. I seem to go from something to nothing and back to something. I'm not sure where I am now, but the tide is definitely turning. It was nice to see TG, even if he ended up ditching me on Sunday night to get high with one of his co-workers and go to some show (God, what are we, in college again?). Then he DM'd me (twitter speak) the next day to apologize and say that he really should have hung out with me. Oh, well. I had my period anyway, so it's not like I would've gotten much out of the experience, although I did want to see him. Who knows? I can't be thinking about him anyway. At least not until June 6th, when I make my triumphant return to SF. So let's table him for now.

There's The Intellectual, who's been IMming me on a regular basis and barking up my tree. I think I've got him pegged - if I want him, I need to ignore him. Unfortunately, I don't want him, so my ignoring him is only going to make him come after me harder. Well, at least we're not Facebook friends anymore. Smartest decision I've ever made. The jury is still out on sex with him. I'm thinking yes, because I've seen him naked and I'm not likely to attract a man with that nice of a body and that nice of a particular body part (ha!) ever again. Sex with him is amazing and I cannot say no. So right now, using him for sex is looking like what it's going to be. No shame in my game.

Debating getting back on the online dating horse. I'm not sure if I can handle any more craziness, but the summer is the best time to date, so it would be nice. I'll probably cave and join a site (still debating the match vs e-harmony vs something completely different choice), just so I have something to do. Why not?

leaving SF.

I am currently on the plane, back to JFK. I'm really ready to be back in my own apartment, living my proper life, even though I had a great time in SF. The end of the weekend was nice - went to XYZ with Freshman Year Best Friend and MB. Got too drunk and said lots of inappropriate things, which I'm sure FYBF loved hearing as he was sober. Man, I don't know what was wrong with me - three drinks should not have gotten me drunk. On Saturday, the three of us sat out on the Pier near the Ferry Building with LuLu Petite sandwiches, chatting and talking. I miss moments like that sometimes. It was really nice. Then, MB and I napped, and after that, we met up with Blondie for dinner in the Castro.

All in all an amazing weekend!

So my trip to SF was pretty eventful - ex sex, getting yelled at by The Intellectual, working 16 hours a day, seeing old friends. Cannot wait until I'm back there in June!

I really want to talk about my crazy love life and the ridiculousness of the men in my life right now, but I think I'll save that for tomorrow.

wow, crazy past 10 days.

I am so ready to go back to NYC. Haha - don't get me wrong, I love it here. I really, really do. Maybe someday, when I'm done working where I'm working, I will come back and live in SF and be really happy. Like in 5 years or so. But, seriously - I am so ready to be back in New York, enjoying my first true NYC summer. There are a lot of things I still have left to do in NYC and I want to do them. That, and I miss my East Coast people.

I cannot believe how much work we've done in these past few days. Crazy late nights, getting next to no sleep - I enjoy it and it's invigorating for a while, but I'm ready to come down and be lazy. Luckily my boss will be out here for another week and you know what they say - when the cat's away, the mice will play. I think I'm going to come in at 11 am every day next week. Sweet! I also plan on ramping up my social time - will make plans for at least 4 evenings next week. Room cleaning, catching up on tivo, planning out my summer. All excellent things.

This weekend is going to be a lot of fun. Staying with MB and hopefully seeing Freshman Year Best Friend, old roommates, and TG. Then it's back to NYC on Sunday!!!! Yay!

my life is a soap opera.

I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but I totally defriended The Intellectual on Facebook. Anyhow, it's been forever since we've talked or communicated and we're not friends online anymore, so I thought he was dead and gone. Then last night I get a text from him saying hey and asking if I'd deleted him from Facebook. Naturally, I rush online to find Jamz and tell him and get his advice. Except that The Intellectual is on AIM and not invisible and he IMs me and asks again if I did the defriending.

Umm, shit!

Anyhow, I tell him I didn't think he'd notice that I'd defriended him and I figured he wasn't interested anymore. He then responds that I could've called, written, texted, IMmed, or e-mailed him since I have all of his contact information. I told him I felt like I was being a nuisance and didn't want to bother him. I explained to him that it hurt to see all his Facebook updates and know he was alive, well, out and about, and yet wasn't contacting me. He told me that he had been thinking about me, but that he wanted to scale back a little because he was unsure what was going on. He says he enjoys our conversation, hanging out, and fooling around, but he didn't want to lead me on or make me feel something more than he was ready for. He also said he thought it was out of line for me to stop being friends with him on the Facebook, but that he understands why I did it.

He mentioned that he really was attracted to me and that after the time we had at dinner he was a little hot and bothered since we didn't do anything, but that he's just not sure if he should be sleeping with anyone right now when he has to focus on the bigger picture in his life. He told me he's not mad anymore, but that he does still want to be part of my life (although we agreed to keep the facebook separation). He says he wants to hang out again when I get back and that he's happy we sorted things out.

I don't know how I feel. To be honest, I've been so consumed with seeing and sleeping with and feeling connected to TG that I haven't thought about The Intellectual at all. It was a blast from the past to hear from him. I don't know what I want. He confuses me and that's not good, but I'm so physically attracted to him that it's hard to stay away. Plus I went out and bought all those XL condoms and God only knows when the hell I'm going to be able to crack those out again. Seriously, never buy condoms for a man - ever. He will immediately decide he doesn't want to sleep with you ever again. Lesson learned. If he wants it bad enough, he'll bring his own. Yes, I know - I'm horrible. I need to stop. Seriously.

So at this point I'm not sure what's going on. I guess we'll see when I'm back in NYC.

fabulous weekend in SF.

The weather here this weekend was amazing! I couldn't have asked for anything better. I was in a pretty solitary mood, so I kept to myself mostly, although I did do drinks at the Marriott with MB on Saturday night. I spent lots of time wandering around the city - spending time at the mall and hanging out at the Yerba Buena Gardens and the Ferry Building. It was so nice to just walk around and remember things. San Francisco is so loaded with memories for me, that it's hard not to feel incredibly nostalgic when I'm here. Somehow I don't think I'm done with this place. Maybe it'll be five years from now, but something about the Bay Area really speaks to me. We shall see.

so many homes.

It amazes me how many "homes" we have in a lifetime. Places where you feel completely comfortable, places where you've created a life. I'm only 23 years old and I've lived on Long Island, in Providence, Olympia, DC (well, technically MD), San Francisco, and New York City. Some places I have little connection to - although I have fond memories of Washington state and DC, I don't really have much love for those places. Everywhere else, though, really feels like home.

People are always hating on Long Island - all the time. I've had men do it to me at parties and bars, and my friends constantly harp on me for my upbringing, but I loved Long Island. I got a good education at a public school, walked away with a group of excellent and diverse friends, and got to appreciate things like bagels and lox on Sundays and Robert Moses Beach (especially Field 5). Long Island isn't perfect, but it's home.

I even miss Providence, where I went to school. It's the perfect, quintessential New England town. I miss the leaves in the fall, walking down Thayer Street, seeing movies at the mall, hanging out at various hotspots at my alma mater. I honestly think I will go back every year for commencement (not just reunion years), so I can relive the amazingness that was my college experience.

Then there's San Francisco. I struggle a lot with my decision to move from SF to NYC. I love both cities equally and both gave/give me something I need in my life. Being out in California gave me a fabulous sense of independence that I've yet to find anywhere else. For the first time ever, I lived in a climate that I loved - I mean, how can you hate on Northern CA weather? It's beautiful. I developed a routine, a life, learned more about the city. I explored and lived and dated and made new friends. It was one of the best experiences of my life. It's always a mindfuck to come back here because I feel like I really *lived* in the 9 months I was here, in a way that I haven't yet in New York.

I don't regret moving, though. Getting sick put some things into perspective for me and I really do think New York is the most amazing city ever - so much culture and life and vivaciousness. It's huge, multi-ethnic, and I have a solid set of friends here that I suspect will always be with me. I haven't yet explored in the way I need to, though. I haven't really made the city a concrete home. I feel like I need to find bars/clubs/restaurants that I like so I can really feel at home in the city I love.

It really is hard having your heart in so many different place. Ultimately, I wonder where I'll end up. I have no idea what will make me happiest, but hopefully in the next few years or so, I will find out.

sorry about that.

I've literally been working like 13 hour days and that's just the time spent in the office. I've actually been doing about 15 hours due to the commuting time. It sucks and I love it at the same team. My team is awesome and we have a lot of fun despite the crazy hours that we end up working during this time of year. I like it. I like it a lot! So yeah, all of that has kept me from updating about things.

So, TG. I'm sure you all are curious about what did or didn't happen with him. So here are the details:

My job had me working wayyyy later than I expected so I had to keep delaying our plans. Asked him if he wanted to cancel, but he seemed determined to see me. So he told me he'd meet me at my hotel. When I got off the shuttle, it was 8:30 and he was waiting for me already, so he walked toward where I was and we met in the middle. He told me I looked wonderful, like I'd lost weight and that he was happy to see me. We then walked back to my hotel because I wanted to buy a curling iron from across the street and take a shower since I was dirty from the plane ride (I went straight to the office from the plane). So he waited patiently on my bed while I showered and got dressed. I was very modest, changed in my bathroom and didn't come out half naked or in a towel. When I was done, I laid myself next to him in the bed, hoping he'd try something, but he didn't. He was just like, "you ready to go to dinner?" So we went to Gordon Biersch and had dinner and a few drinks. We had a lot of small-talk, just the usual things. It was nice.

After dinner, he walked me back and I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but I was hoping that something would. He kind of wordlessly followed me back to my hotel and we went up in the elevator. I still wasn't sure if anything was going to happen because it seemed so platonic up until then. Then when the elevator was empty, he put his arm around my waist and told me he was upset there were so many people in the elevator and we couldn't make out - hahaha. That's when I knew that something was going to happen.

So we get inside and I get in bed right away while he takes his keys, wallet, etc. and lays them on the dresser. Then he kind of looks at me and gets in bed with me and we start making out. He asks me if I miss him, which I do, so I tell him. I ask him if he misses me - he says yes. It was nice and really sweet. It was late, so he totally didn't waste any time getting me out of my clothing. Commented on my underwear - haha - he told me I always wear such nice underwear. I like when men appreciate stuff like that. I never hook up with a guy (even a guy I've been dating or dated for 8 months) without putting some kind of effort in that area. I like it - it makes me feel good. So we hook up and of course have sex. It was really nice. I felt like he was super attentive to me in bed. I actually felt kind of bad because I wanted to focus more on him, but he wouldn't let me! So I ended up very happy at the end of the evening! 

I wanted to cuddle, so I made him get into bed with me while we cuddled and talked about things. I always like to check in after I sleep with someone - haha, it's this really weird thing I do. Probably very annoying, but whatever. So after a while, he told me he had to go. So I made a sad pouty face, but he told me he'd come visit me again. I hope we can make time for each other. I would like to see him at least once more. We shall see.

Anyway, I'm happy about it. It was good to see him and good to be held and touched by someone who I know and care about and who knows and cares about me. Yeah. That's that.

grrrr!

Praying that my plans with TG work out for tomorrow. I feel like work may derail this and I'm sooo not happy about that. I totally should've lied about what time my flight was getting in. Or taken a later flight. GRRR. 

Spent last night talking to him while I did my laundry. It was very flirtatious. Very. Highly sexually charged. Eek! He also asked me if he was going to be able to see the "amazing view" from my hotel room. I told him he could see it if he wanted to. Good Lord - God only knows what'll happen or IF it'll happen, but I'm praying because I really need to get this urge out of my system. It's this odd itch that I really just need to scratch. I mean, if we can't get our shit together to meet up in 12 days, then maybe it's just not meant to happen. I'm praying for tomorrow, though. Hmm, I wonder what I'll wear - I haven't even thought about it yet. Something sexy yet classy, I think. I mean, it's not like he hasn't already seen everything I have to offer - haha. 

Anyhow, I will keep you posted on what goes down.

prepping for california.

I am insanely excited to spend the next week and a half in California. I'll be gone from Wed, April 15th until Sun, April 26th. It's going to be wonderful. Tons of work, but excellent weather and seeing old friends and just spending some time away from the hustle and bustle of NYC. Sometimes I wonder whether I could be happy in CA. It's so strange to split your heart into two, but I really do miss SF sometimes. But then again, there are so many days when I wake up in Manhattan and I'm so happy to be here - there's just nothing like it. If I had my ideal life, I'd spend summer and fall in New York and winter and spring in California. Unfortunately, I do not think that this is going to be a possibility. Instead, I will continue to feel at home in both locales. 

That's not such a bad thing.

easter weekend.

It was really nice to go home for Easter - it had been years since I'd been home for that particular day. Easter is truly my favorite holiday. I like going to church and singing the hymns and hearing the story. It almost made me cry because I realize that I've left no room for faith in my life. When I was younger, I used to love church. I found this home in God and it was wonderful. I read the Bible practically from cover to cover and spirituality used to mean something to me. I was never really into formalized religion - I'm still not, seeing as how I believe in reincarnation and I have no belief in heaven or hell - but I definitely had this electric spirituality that helped me through some pretty difficult times in my life. Where is that faith now? Gone. I barely pray and I certainly don't think about God on any regular basis. It's sad. I want to change it, but I'm not sure how. It reminds me of that quote in the movie, Dogma:

"He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled."

I guess I just have to refill my glass. I should prioritize that. Yeah.

the great purge.

I'm thinking of doing an inventory of my personal life. By this, I mean going through the people I know and getting rid of anyone that doesn't belong. I can never understand how people are so fanatical about getting rid of the clutter in their bedrooms or on their desks, but not the clutter in their personal lives.

Recently, I've come to realize that there are a lot of people in my life that really serve no purpose and do nothing but cause drama and craziness. I really need to get rid of these people. Cleaning out my closet, so to speak. I'm friends with a ton of people on networks like Facebook that I couldn't care less about. I've also spent time trying to cultivate old friendships that I should probably just let fall by the wayside. I'm not saying that any old friend should be eliminated, but I want to look and make sure that I'm dedicating my time and energy to the people that matter the most and the people who enrich my life, instead of draining it.

I'm currently very busy on my job and so taking care of myself is probably going to be put on the back burner for the next few weeks. Come May, though, I really want to get back on the path to improvement. More focus and more clarity on what I want. I'm hoping I can start dating again and putting myself out there for real - really getting out and exploring NYC and making new friends and keeping up with old ones.

I was talking to TG today (btw, we made plans for my trip. eek! I'm going to visit him at his office and then we're going to get drinks) and he was telling me about all of the different events and things that he attends and it made me want get out and be active. I enjoy being busy and right now I have nothing going for me besides work and the occasional hang-out with friends. I need to start filling up my calendar, especially with the advent of spring/summer.

Is it May 1 yet?

residual feelings.

I've recently decided that I'm tired of bullshit in regards to men. Seriously - I think I'm done and over it. Cannot take any more. I keep thinking about The Intellectual and how upset I am with how I was treated in that situation. It really kills me sometimes and I kind of want to do something drastic about it - like tell him off or remove all of his contact information from my phone, Facebook account, and e-mail. He really pisses me off and I think I'm so upset because he's one of those self-described "nice guys" who is actually an asshole and doesn't even know it.

I've been with a fair amount of men in my life - in settings both formal and not so formal. I've had one-night stands, slept with guy friends, and dated around a fair deal, but I don't think I've ever been treated this poorly in my whole history of dating. Don't get me wrong - I've had plenty of men do shitty things to me, treat me badly and act like assholes, but there's something different about this one. Let's go back a little.

The Banker - the first guy that I ever really went nuts over and the first one to completely break my heart. He was an asshole after we slept together, but he was also an asshole before we slept together. I knew what he was about, but I was too naive and inexperienced to know my own feelings for him and so I got more involved than I should have. His behavior wasn't shocking at all. It hurt like hell, but was I surprised? No, that was what his MO was when we were in school. Then you have TG. TG did some things to me that were not nice (breaking up with me online at my job and not picking me up from the airport after my blood clot come to mind), but I also did some things to him that were shitty - hiding him from my friends, being generally bitchy towards him. It was a power struggle between the two of us for dominance over the "relationship" and we both fought dirty. Not good, but not awful. I know a lot of my friends dislike TG, but he was very kind to me in a variety of ways that no other man ever was. He also continued to be kind to me long after we had stopped having sex.

Now we have this asshole - The Intellectual - one of those brothers who's always talking about black love and being a responsible man and treating women right. When I read some of the notes and shit that he posts on Facebook it makes me sick to my stomach because there's so much hypocrisy there. I don't want to make this a race thing, because it's not, but I feel doubly slapped in the face because of all of his "black love is the salvation of the black race" bullshit. He definitely looked down on me for having several relationships with white men in the past and that really upset me because he dates interracially as well. I feel like black men get on this high horse about black women dating white men and then run around with blonde-haired, blue-eyed women like it's nothing. I think interracial relationships are wonderful (my parents are interracial), but I think that the rules have to run both ways. If black men are going to do it, black women should too. If I waited my whole life for a black prince charming, I'd be waiting a damn long time and quite frankly, I have no interest in waiting that long.

So when I met this black guy that seems nice, intelligent and finds me attractive - I got excited. Especially when he seemed to look down on men that treat women like crap. So to have him just disappear without a word - no phone call, no Facebook message, no text, no e-mail, no nothing, after we've been intimate together, well that stings a little bit. For someone who seems to want to be a "gentleman," he's been more of an asshole than any other guy I've been with. I'm tired of it. I'm just tired of it. Plain and simple. Be who you are. If you're an asshole - be a fucking asshole and don't brand yourself as something else. Don't act nice if you're not going to back it up. Don't spew garbage online about all of the things that "good men" do for women when you don't know the first thing about it. And don't fault me when I decide to say yes to the white men that ask me out and pursue me, because I'm tired of waiting around for you to get your shit together. //end rant

Sorry about all that - it just feels good to get it out. 

ladies and gentlemen, we have flirting.

Um, yeah. TG texted me last night!!!!! TG hasn't texted in months. Pretty much ever since he started things with Little Miss Do-Gooder, he and I communicate only on an IM/Twitter basis. Last night, though, he was out drinking and texted me. Eek! It was benign - we're not sexting or anything (although, who knows... that could be the next step, knowing me and knowing him), but it was still a text. I miss how quickly he gets back to me on text, even when he's out with his friends. I know, I know, this is BAD. I just got a voicemail from my favorite Texan (hey S! if you're reading) telling me to stay away from him, but it's SO DIFFICULT. Then he tweeted me this morning - sigh. 

Let me just interrupt this to say that I love modern technology. I love how TG and I are having this weird flirtatiousness over a variety of mediums and we live 3,000 miles apart. This is why I love the tech world and am so happy that I started working at a tech company. //end rant

So yeah, it's on and poppin' between the two of us. We'll see what happens. I checked my favorite site mon.thly.info to check up on the old period. Shouldn't get it til the last day of my trip, so I'm cleared to have sex! Yay! Haha - although I told Jamz that I really just want to cuddle and spoon. Which I can't believe I said. Maybe I'm turning into a girl. Ew.

Okay, now that I'm all bouncy and in a wonderful mood, I'm going to go do some work. <3

drinking with my mom.

Well, I didn't actually drink with my mom - I just got trashed while we were on the phone. I didn't mean for it to happen, but I kept pouring myself glasses of wine as I ate dinner and then all of a sudden I was drunk. I even told her about TG! I just mentioned that I thought dating was easier in CA and that I had been seeing someone for a while when I was out there. I told her that he was an engineer and Jewish. Wow, how's that for honesty?! And they say that drinking ruins lives. Pshaw! =P

We talked about a million things, which was really nice - just good to vent. I'm trying to be honest about who I am, as much as I can be with my parents. They're just so socially conservative that it's hard. We're making progress though, and that's a good thing. Maybe I can stop living a double life. 

lots of randomness.

I don't really have anything solid to talk about - life is going pretty well thus far, so I guess I'll just spout out about a bunch of different random things that are in my head.

1. I am doing *so* well with this morning gym thing. It's seriously so much easier for me than going at night. I simply get up, roll out of bed, slap on gym gear and go. I don't do anything particularly crazy and I'm only there for like 30 minutes, but I'm happy to be getting exercise on a regular basis. Next week I plan on stepping up my workout once I get used to going every day.

2. Still a little unsure about TG and what will happen when I go to California. I miss him a lot sometimes and whenever he IMs me, I'm happy. This doesn't bode well, methinks. Oh, well - I love drama, so it'll at least be interesting.

3. The Hair soundtrack is consuming my life. I listen to it about a million times a day. I still can't seem to reconcile with myself who I am - straight-laced, uptight Virgo or sex/drugs/rock'n'roll loving hippie child. I guess a little bit of both.

4. My room looks like a cyclone has hit it. I need to remedy that.

5. I'm really excited to go home and see my parents this weekend. I actually miss them sometimes. And my brothers. One of them is having surgery on his knees tomorrow. (What am I gonna do about my LEGS, Eddie Murphy? - hahaha, I am SO WRONG. But my fam is like that.) Anyhow - I should send a card or something. Maybe some cookies, which will conveniently arrive in time for my Easter arrival. Hmm. Haha - yes, I'm going to hell.

Anyway, I'm boring today, which is probably good, so I'm going to go back to work!

nostalgia.

Last night I went to see Hair with Jamz. OMG, it was so fucking amazing. I teared up during most of the show - the opening Aquarius number and Where Do I Go and then again at the end for Let the Sunshine In. What can I say - theater makes me a big sap. I remember the first play I ever loved - Les Miz. I saw it the summer before 8th grade and I was hooked. I saw it another two times after that, bought the three-disc epic soundtrack, and spent most of my time rocking out to Jean Valjean's booming voice. Yes, I'm aware that I am a middle-aged gay man. That is not the point of this post. 

Les Miz was the first show that really introduced me to theater - I started playing my flute in the high school pit band after that, which I continued through my freshman year of college. That's when I decided to get involved in theater hardcore - joining any group that would have me and signing up to stage manage and production manage shows. I saw a lot of musicals at school, but Hair was one that really grabbed me. I think I saw it three times, I liked it so much. The music is just so infectious and the energy was wonderful. It made me want to believe in something, fight for something, care about something so much that I would change my whole way of life for it. That I would live in a way that lined up with my ideals. Sometimes I wonder when I lost the drive to live that way. Watching The Tribe onstage last night gave me those same feelings again - a desire to create art, to appreciate art, to live an artists life, and to stand up for the things that I'm most passionate about.

Theater has always energized me and stirred up feelings I'd repressed or forgotten about. I want to find a way to make a difference - to live a cleaner, simpler life, full of things I enjoy and founded on the principles I adhere to. Not being ashamed of my interests and just running with them. I don't know exactly how to do this, but I know that until I do this, I will never be 100% happy or fulfilled.

i don't know why i don't go out more often.

Yesterday was simply amazing. I'm glad I was able to have a good time since I got nothing constructive done. Except for my hair, which desperately needed a wash and straighten. I was starting to look a little rough.

Went to Jax' comedy show. OMGSOGOOD! I had an amazing time - she was awesome, most of the other comics were awesome, and I genuinely missed supporting the people I care about. College was great because as a theater chick, I always knew someone in a musical or a play or a reading or a music concert. I really loved being able to get out, see art, and watch my friends excel. It was a great feeling. Nowadays, everyone just goes to work and comes home and that's it. It's nice to have opportunities to see your friends perform. Nowadays, they are few and far between.

Then it was LK's birthday at Turtle Bay. Went with Jamz and High School Best Friend and we had so much fun dancing and being silly. I barely even drank. I love those nights. I also realized the secret to getting free drinks and not having your id scanned (not that I need to do that anymore). Basically, you just have to be the only black female in a bar full of white patrons and black bouncers. It's the best! They chat you up, barely look at your ID, and once you're inside, they get you to the front of the bar line and have your drinks paid for you! I haven't even gotten to the best part. You don't have to *talk* to them since they're technically at work and can't be mingling with the crowd. I think I've found my new calling. Time to hit up every white bar in the city! Haha. I need to stop - I really do. I'm awful. But yeah, being a big-chested tall black girl does have it's advantages. I knew God gave me these boobs for a reason.

It was great seeing the Long Island crew. I reminisced with a friend over our hand-signals in 4th grade and our love of teasing this crazy art teacher. Those were definitely the days. I hope I see more of those kids down the line. It's nice that we're all still close, even if it's in small groups. Goes to show you that you can make some of the best friends you've ever had even before hitting puberty. I got home around 3 am and was so fucking tired that I just passed out with the lights on. Did manage to remove my contacts, though, so that's a plus.

Tonight is my date with Jamz. We're seeing Hair - my treat - since I'm a sugar momma like that. Then it's back to the grind. Sigh. I should get going - trying to get my nails done today.

nothing is going to get done this weekend.

I might as well just chalk this weekend up as lost because nothing is going to happen. Last night was a shitshow and not in a good way. I will not be going out to Long Island ever again for anything that doesn't involve my parents. Seriously. I don't even want to get into it, but I'm just glad I was able to share the drama and the craziness with two of the best people ever =)

Today, I'm going to Jax' comedy show - I cannot wait! Super excited to see her perform. Then it's LK's birthday at Turtle Bay. I have to find an outfit for that. I really should be looking cute. I mean, I'm single and unattached and it would be nice to flirt and have fun and kick back a little. So I'll work on that. Tomorrow is Hair with Jamz! Yay! I bought us tix for his birthday, so we should have a really good time. Awesome!

Okay, back to my Gilmore Girls marathon. =)

playing with fire.

Just to preface this - Jamz totally called this happening. So it's been about two days since TG's breakup with Miss Do-Gooder. Last night we talked for about 90 minutes. Sigh. This is not good. I just feel like it's been 48 hours and already he's IMming and sending me links and stuff. It just feels unhealthy, but I really do miss him sometimes. I mean, it took forever for me to "get over it" but we both just seem to have this pull towards each other. I don't know what it is, but even when he was with her, we were still in contact and whenever we were in each other's cities we made plans to meet up.

Maybe it's just that he knows me so well - what I like and dislike. He's also the only man that hasn't made me feel like a dirty nympho because I like sex. Honestly, I've never been 100% honest with any other man about my relationship with my own sexuality. He pretty much knows everything and accepts it and respects it, even when we differ on viewpoints. That's hard to find. You would think men would like sexually open and expressive women, but a lot of them are intimidated by it. I know I should not go down this path - he's in CA, I'm in NY, and it's not like our "relationship" was perfect, but I did enjoy the time I spent with him and our communication styles were very complementary. I *never* sat around waiting for him to call. Ever. He always called when he said he would and texted often and kept in contact. When I finally meet someone new, I want something like that.

I just know I shouldn't be going down this path, but I'm going down it anyway. I wonder if we'll sleep together when I'm in California. I mean, we're going to see each other. Clearly. I'm just not sure what'll happen when we do. Maybe he doesn't want to? I would really like to sleep with someone who knows me well and where it's completely natural. Sigh.

I am way too complicated.

confirmation.

So less than 24 hours post-breakup, I get an IM from TG.

he: I'm back to being a single man btw.

HAHA - love it. I knew it wouldn't take him long to contact me. We chatted a bit about it. He said it's for the best and it just wasn't working, so they ended it. He didn't say who ended it, though. I'm deathly curious, but he and I tend to stay out of each others' love lives, so yeah, not gonna ask. We talked a little bit about relationships and men and women. He seems okay, I guess. Not heartbroken or anything, but who knows with him. He told me he's swearing off women for a while, but then told me I could set him up with someone. I told him that I think that would be horribly awkward, which he agreed. I ended the convo and told him maybe I'd see him in SF.

Wonder what he wants from me. Our relationship was so intense that I'm almost reluctant to even contemplate the simple one night (or two, maybe) stand. I know how we are together. We do not need to go down the 'dirty texting and constant IMming' path. So I'm basically just going to play it by ear when I go to Cali. No sense thinking about it now.

I love how I never seem to know how to be done with men. Not really my strong suit, I guess. Oh, well.

a little gossip.

First of all, can I say that I love College BFF? Who else is going to add your ex to her twitter feed and then e-mail you when he posts his 'single again' message at 6:15 AM? Yeah, that's right. Haha. TG is supposedly single. Part of me wonders if this isn't some sick April Fool's joke taken too far, but his facebook status is single, his twitter mentions it, and chick has changed her photo back to a solo one. Damn.

I'm definitely going to hell - express train - because this news has actually made me really happy for some reason. Maybe it's because I'm heading to California in 3 weeks and would love to get laid. I mean, honestly, folks - I'm not trying to have another 9 month dry spell. Granted, I don't even know if he would be up for it, but based on some comments he made about her, I think I could make it worth his while. Jesus Christ, it's official - I'm *definitely* going to hell now. Of course I have to pow wow with my friends (who I know will not sign off on this, but whatever), but I'm deathly curious about the demise of it all. I guess I've been kind of lonely lately and now that I've given up The Intellectual, I'd really love to get some sort of physical affection. TG was always good at that. He knows me (sexually) better than anyone else I've ever known and that's appealing. Very appealing. Of course, I'm not making any plans or anything because who knows (I'm still not convinced that this isn't a joke), but we shall see.

Just thought I'd share that with the interwebs for today. Details will follow, of course.