i've become obsessed with the idea of change...

I guess I was always into change - I think variety is the spice of life and I love mixing things up as frequently as I can. I get bored easily and need constant stimulation. Ever since I had my psychic encounter, I've felt like a huge burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. What struck me most about what she said was the idea that I'm in this cocoon now and that change is coming. I've felt very pensive lately about my life and the things that need to improve. For the first time, I've started to make some positive changes in my life to get me where I want to be.

Since I've started this whole boot camp regimen, I feel positively dedicated to improving my body. I don't know if it's really about losing weight, moreso getting stronger. I miss how strong I used to be and how I would put my body through hell five days a week, three hours a day. Of course, I do not have the time to be working out like that, but I'm definitely committed to keeping up with my exercise regimen. I'm going to sign up for another boot camp, which will start two weeks after this one ends and I also plan on figuring out some other ways to get exercise in during the weekends and in the evenings. I honestly hope I can keep this up, but I think I will. While all this exercise has definitely put a crimp on my social life, I really don't mind. I can still hang out all weekend and the occasional movie or drink after work isn't entirely out of the question, either. It's just a matter of putting my body first. It's about damn time!

yesterday, i went to a psychic.

Um, yeah... Yesterday, I decided to do something a little unconventional and go see a psychic. I've been feeling really off lately and I needed some guidance. Some people go to priests or rabbis or psychologists, but I decided to go get my astrological chart drawn up and read. Those of you who've known me from childhood know that I've always been interested in the esoteric. I used to be into tarot cards and psychic readings and all manner of occultish things. I wasn't one of those goth-type girls, but I've always had this burning interest in that sort of thing. Some people may find it strange, but I find solace in it and it's helpful to me. Since I've been feeling majorly bummed lately, I found a high-end psychic (recommended by NY Magazine and countless celebrities and public figures) and made an appointment.

Turns out, she's located insanely close to where I work, so I ditched work 15 minutes early to walk over. I'm really glad I did. Here are the basics of what she told me:

1. I will forge my own destiny: The first thing she said is that I will be wildly successful and that I have a destiny to fulfill and that destiny will involve me owning my own business. She says I will stumble upon my true calling in my 30s and it will be lucrative, powerful, and will enhance my life. She told me I had a lot of personal power and I need to set high goals because I can and will achieve them. She says I should absolutely go to law school and the sooner, the better. Around May of next year, I will get restless and start making dramatic changes to disrupt my life. I will most likely move again in this time period and meet someone who will change my life.
2. I will find what I want romantically: She says that a long-lasting marriage is definitely in the cards for me, but she cannot say when it will happen. She says that I will find an equal partner who will be exactly what I'm looking for. She cautioned me against getting into a relationship at this moment because it will not be right. She also told me that this great love will happen in God's time and not my own, so I have to be patient and trust that it will occur.
3. I am in a rut right now: One of the first things she mentioned was that I'm going through a horrible transition period right now, which started in the year 2008 and will end at the end of this year. I was shocked at how she was able to read my unhappiness, which (when I think of it) was absolutely at its peak in 2008. I had my blood clot in February, was in a volatile relationship and hating my living situation. I moved, which I thought would solve my problems, but in some senses created new ones. Right now, I'm really unhappy and borderline depressed. She read all of this and told me not to worry because the worst is passed and 2010 will be better. She cautioned me to put my hopes on hold because nothing will work out for me until the end of this year. She says it's good that I'm single because any relationship I enter will not work out (and that's certainly been true for the relationships from 2008 until now). She told me I have to stop thinking negatively or analyzing my life because it won't do anything but make me feel worse. She advised me to watch television and read and just keep my thoughts light and happy. She said if I feel more exhausted in this period, I should give in and sleep because I need it.
4. I am coming into my own at this moment: She told me that although I feel like an outsider - depressed and resigned - right now, that it is all in preparation for the changes that will come in the new year. She says it's as though I'm in a cocoon - preparing for the next cycle, where I will be closer to the person I was born to be. I need to just go with this and trust that come Jan/Feb of next year, I will be in a better place. I am changing as a person and while it seems like everything is going to pot on the outside, inside of myself there is profound change happening.
5. My life cycle is reversed: She told me that, for me, the best years are to come. Instead of being carefree and happy at a younger age, my happiness will only increase as I get older. Every 10 years, I will emerge as a new person, better and stronger than before. The things I expected to happen earlier will happen later, but I will be younger in spirit and appearance, the older I get in years. Basically she said it's a matter of reward deferral - I will work hard now, with the promise that I will be rewarded in the future.

After the session, she gave me a hug and told me I was a beautiful person and that I should stay in contact. It felt so warm - it was like she was an aunt or a godmother. I've seen 3 other psychics in this life, and this was by far the best reading I've ever gotten. She was so open to questions and really wanted me to drive the session. As a result, I felt like I focused on what I wanted to and got some answers that have made me feel better than I have in weeks. I've been struggling with a lot of different things - worrying about myself, worrying about my friends, freaking out about my life - and right now I feel totally zen about everything. Call me absolutely crazy, but it was just what I needed to stop being so depressed and fearful of the future.

Now, for my next actions... I think I'll save that for another day =)

weekend!

Thank GOD it's the weekend. These past two days of boot camp have been hellish - I've been so exhausted lately and really need two days to rest and recuperate. My body aches in so many places. I have a pretty full social card this weekend - FINALLY seeing wolverine and then Slind's sister's birthday party! Yay! I also need to clean and do laundry. I actually just need to do laundry since that's what's piled up on my floor. I don't have any more boot camp underwear and the thought of doing all of that exercising in lacy panties doesn't appeal to me.

I think the wave of sexual temptation has passed and I won't be calling anyone up for a booty call. I mean, I'm going to California next Friday - I can wait til then (please pray for me! I'm still afraid it won't happen). All I want to do for the next two days is relax, sleep, and in the words of BFF, "do hoodrat shit with my friends." Maybe even have a drink or two =) 

Happy weekend, people!

moment(s) of weakness.

When I die, I want three things to happen. (1) I want them to play Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" during the service, (2) I want to be cremated, and (3) I want a banner with the words 'The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" hung up in the funeral hall. Seriously, I think that I should get that tattooed onto my body because it's the story of my life. Luckily, I think I'm getting to a point where I'm starting to overcome that weakness, but that's not to say that every day isn't a battle of the wills. 

Last night I desperately wanted to call The Intellectual. Seriously, I kept fantasizing about it - it was disturbing. Now, I know I haven't gotten laid since April 15th (yay tax day!), but that's not enough time for me to be itching to be in bed with someone. However, I literally had my phone in my hand ready to text him to see if he wanted to come over. I mean, his body is just so incredibly amazing. I think this is truly the first time I've ever really wanted to act 100% like a man. When I think about sleeping with TG, it's all cuddly and mushy and girly. (I'm making a retching sound right now as I think about this). I just want him to hold me and talk to me and kiss and cuddle. Maybe it's because I really like him and I feel comfortable with him. With him, it's never just the physical, it's more about the emotional connection I feel. Don't get me wrong, I am totally craving that and I'm *praying* that the plans TG and I have made will pan out because I want to get my snuggle on - haha. But last night, what I really wanted was sex. Pure animal, ripping-each-other's-clothes-off sex. Sex with an incredibly sexy man. I don't know if I'm disturbed by this or proud. I don't want him to stay over, I don't want to talk or kiss or be affectionate. I just want him to bang me and leave, crude as it sounds. I resisted temptation last night, but I'm still contemplating giving him a call. We'll see.

I almost didn't go to boot camp today. The weather was so yucky outside that I seriously thought about just turning around and going home, but I went. Every day it's a struggle. Not to eat crappy food, to get enough exercise, to resist alcohol. Luckily, my body is getting used to some of it. Working out has become less of a problem and I've really been doing a good job in class and I pushed myself hard today. I have no desire to ingest any alcohol, which is shocking, but considering I go to bed at 9 pm and get up at 4:15 am, I don't even know when the fuck I would do any drinking. The food thing is really the only rub, but I'm slowly working on that.

Maybe one day I'll conquer my demons. I'm quite proud of myself for making it thus far. Just have to keep on keepin' on.

let there be light.

I woke up this morning incredibly happy. This is new for me. As most of you can guess, I've been borderline depressed for the past two weeks. I thought that a trip to Providence would cheer me up and while, yes, it did help, it didn't really do the trick. I got back to New York and immediately my mood began to plummet.

Today was the first day where I felt good. I practically bounded out of bed at 3:45 AM (as a result of going to bed at 9 pm for the past two nights) and I was alert and ready to go. Boot camp was amazing today. My abs, ass, and thighs are KILLING me and it feels so good. I've been talking to TG a lot lately and it makes me happy. We have plans for when I get into SF and our convos have been really charged lately. Unhealthy? Yes. But caramel cheesecake makes me happy and it's not healthy either. I'll take happiness however I can get it. I also have dipped my toe back into the dating pool. Well, not completely, but I'm making an effort and actually talking to someone online. I've gotten a bunch of messages lately and have ignored them all, but something about this guy just struck me so we're talking. He's another European and it's very basic and nothing may come of it, but I'm actually talking! I thought I'd never speak to another man again, so this is progress.

I'm starting to make plans - big plans about how I want to live my life. Sometimes I worry that I'll never be happy because I like to pick up and move around a lot and never seem to find a place to settle. I'm already contemplating my next move, my next adventure. It's all so scary and new and frightening. Maybe I just have a wandering spirit and that's who I am. Maybe that's okay. I'm not really sure yet, but I'm just going to go with it. =)

we are ever true...

Wow. Commencement. As usual, it was a fabulous time. A lot tamer than last year's events, but I think we can agree that me not puking on Thayer St. is an improvement. It was so awesome to see all of my girls. I miss AXO so much. Getting to see all of the alum was so nice and I loved watching two of my favorite AXOs graduate! It makes me feel so old. I remember when they were freshmen and young and innocent. It's crazy to me that I've been out of school for two years. Where does the time go?

Highlights included drinking pretty much 24/7 all weekend. Campus Dance was beautiful, except for the fucking bug bites that are all over me. I have one on my stomach!!! How did a bug get there? It wasn't like I was in a bikini. I was wearing a normal strapless dress. Ugh. I didn't get to see any theatre this time, but I did go and see the Jabberwocks 60th anniversary a cappella concert. It was so worth it. They had members from the 50s and 60s come sing, and then a group from the 70s-80s-90s and lastly from 2000s. It was so touching to see these 70-something men who all felt so passionate about their time at school that they were willing to travel from all over to come give a concert. It was absolutely adorable. I've been singing hits from the 50s and 60s all weekend. =)

I guess what really gets me all teary-eyed is how dedicated the alum seem to be. I see so many people who come back year after year to remember the shared craziness that was college at our particular institution. I feel like I rarely see that anywhere else - people actually think it's strange that I go back year after year, but it doesn't seem odd to me. It seems perfectly natural because it was this wonderful shared experience that was fairly unique and has really shaped me as an individual. I think I would be a fundamentally different person had I gone to another school. At midnight on the night of Campus Dance, when everyone was singing the Alma Mater, I thought I was going to cry because it was so beautiful. Seeing all of those people, from all over the country and all over the world, all gathered to celebrate one place and one point in their life.

As usual, watching people from the class of 1934 almost made me lose it. I only hope that if I'm still alive for my 75th reunion, that I can make the trek out to Providence to celebrate what may end up being if not the best, then the most formative four years of my life.

back from providence!

I really want to write a long entry on how amazing Commencement is and how wonderful it was to see everyone, but I am exhausted and really want to get a good jump on Boot Camp for the week, so I will save it for tomorrow.

I'm still feeling ridiculously crappy emotionally. I'm not sure what's at the bottom of it, but I can't seem to shake this feeling of melancholy. The weekend was nice for getting over that, but I also started to feel kind of crappy towards the end of my stay and getting back to NYC just made it even worse. I had a nice, anti-social day today. It was great to sit outside in Union Square and people watch and read. I don't really have much time to myself during the week, so it's nice to get an extra day.

I guess I just have to believe that "this too shall pass."

graduation redux!

Tomorrow I head back to Providence, RI to celebrate the Commencement of the Class of 2009. First of all - holy shit, it's been two years since I graduated! Second of all - I cannot believe that the class of '09 is all grown up. I totally remember when they were freshmen. It's insane that I'm going to get to see them graduate and enter the 'real world' with the rest of us sorry saps.

I'm really excited to be going back to Providence. College is one of the few times in my life that I look back on with complete and total fondness. When I think back on my alma mater, I'm not at all confused or unclear about how I feel. I loved college - plain and simple. Even when my circumstances sucked (remember how awful freshman and sophomore years were?), I still loved the school itself. It's such a special place for me - the whole vibe is just so different there. I miss it like you have no idea - the freedom, the openness, the intellectual stimulation. There is nowhere like it (although SF is certainly close as far as freedom and openness go).

In that cliched way, college was where I found myself. It was where I discovered who I am and who I want to be. I had so many ups and downs there, but it was all fundamental to my growth as an individual. Sometimes I get so depressed because I did so much in those four years and I haven't even come close to doing 1/10 as much in the 'real world' as I did at school. Theatre, mock trial, sorority, female sexuality workshop - hell, I even did Buddhist meditation!!! I was so involved and active. Now my life is fairly routine - get up, work out, nap, work, home, tivo, sleep. Repeat. Intersperse the occasional social activity. It's sad, though. I haven't been cultivating my interests or joining new activities or making new friends. Life has been so stagnant. I need to fix that.

I'm really just looking forward to spending 3 days with my sorority sisters, seeing old friends, getting all dressed up and pretty and hitting up some of my favorite places from that period of my life. So Kartabar, Kabob n Curry, Spike's (sadly the one on Thayer closed, but I hear there's still one in the mall), and The Creperie - here I come! 

Catch you all on Monday when I'm back! =)

smattering of life updates.

First of all, I am off of coumadin as of right now! No more blood thinners! Well, that's not entirely true. I go off of them for 4 weeks and then I get my blood tested again to see if I can be off of it permanently. According to the doctor, I'll still have to take the injections when I'm pregnant with any children AND I should probably invest in some for plane rides, which sucks since I've been traveling a ton for my job. I hope I still remember how to do it. If not, I suppose I can ask the many diabetics in my life for some guidance =)

I'm so ready to be in Providence right now for commencement. Honestly. It's time to see my girlfriends and party like it's 2007. I desperately need a "girls night" right now and I miss everyone so much. We haven't all been together like this in a year, so I'm expecting a lot of craziness to update you all on.

Boot camp is kicking my ass on a daily basis and I love it. Today was our hike. It was torture. Pure torture. But, we were surrounded by the beauty that is Central Park, so at least it was a nice atmosphere to be tortured in. I also learned that drinking the night before is NOT WORTH IT. I didn't even drink that much and I still felt off. So we will be saving alcohol for Fridays and Saturdays from here on out, which is probably how it should be anyway. Again, pray that I make it tomorrow.

Shit --- I totally forgot that I hadn't posted this entry. So it sat on my computer for about 3 hours. Whoops! Posting now!

seriously, boys, go away!

Men are pissing me off lately. I thought it was just The Intellectual, but it's really all men. Today some 50+ year old man was staring me dead in the face today for like a minute. I pointedly avoided looking at him. My brother, my brother, you are old enough to be my fucking father - why do you think that I want to talk to you, date you, whatever with you? Grrr. Stupid men.

Anyway, The Intellectual. After he blew me off last time, I was done. I wasn't sure if I really meant that, but I think I do judging on recent events. The thought of having sex with him actually turns my stomach, which is shocking because he's smoking hot and really good in bed, but I just don't trust him anymore and apparently, I can't have sex if I don't trust that a man cares about me. Despite all the craziness in my dating life, I don't think I feel this way about any other man I've been with. I don't have that revulsion towards them, even the ones who've wronged me.

He texted me on Friday to see if I wanted to hang out that night. I told him no, that I was busy. Then he texted again on Sunday night and was like "I'm guessing you already have plans for tonight" Well, motherfucker, maybe if you asked in advance I'd be free. I told him I had plans to clean my room and go shopping and I didn't want any company. Ha. Love it. I just want him to go away. Because I feel like the more he messages me, the more likely I'll fall into the "why the hell not, it's just sex" trap and I don't think he deserves sex from me. I think he needs to grow the fuck up and stop acting like he's so good with women when he's really a big tool. That's what I think.

So yeah, right now the only man I'm chatting with is TG, which is bad because I kind of freaked out a little bit to read on twitter that he had a date (it went poorly, but it was still a date). I don't really know how to handle this situation. I don't want to meet anyone new right now, so I'm just chilling, spending time with friends or alone. I'm just tired of bullshit. So so tired of bullshit.

crossroads.

note: This is not a pleasant entry. Just warning you.

I feel like I've reached this turning point in my life, where I'm really starting to get frustrated with everything that's going on with/around me right now. It seems like there are so many different paths open to me, and I'm not really sure which one I want to take. The problem lies in the fact that not only are there different paths, but each aspect of my life contains multiple directions I could go in. One of my favorite novels is Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar. This quote reminds me of exactly how I feel at this moment: 

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.  From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked... I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose.  I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet." 

I don't know what I want and it feels like I'm watching my future fall away at my fingertips.

I'm not really sure what to do about it. I've just been so frustrated lately and I'm tired of bitching and moaning about shit. Honestly. I'm sure you're tired of hearing it, too - haha. This is the cycle with me, though. I complain a lot and then I do something to take decisive action. It's not always the best action I can take, but while I do enjoy being a thinker, I also enjoy drastic, dramatic change. I've moved cross-country twice to suit my whims (and I suspect I'll do it a third time, truth be told). I joined a sorority when my life sucked at school. I've thrown myself into so many activities I never thought I'd be involved in. Maybe that's just what I need to do now - throw myself into something else. Because all of this frustration is starting to make me bitter and bitchy, neither of which is a state I want to be in.

I've checked out. I really have. In half the conversations I have with people, I'm not even present. I respond and I keep up with what's going on, but I have no feeling left. Emotionally numb. I just don't want to care about anything anymore. I'm tired of caring. I care too much. I get too upset about things that are outside of my control. I want to just be. Exist in a vacuum for a little bit. I want to be secretive. I want to be that closed-off person I was when I was younger, before I met High School BFF and learned to trust people. Because at the end of the day, no one knows what goes on in the space between your ears. And you don't know what goes on with anyone else. People do what they want to do and that's that. So why do we talk through things, why do we solicit advice we don't follow? Everyone does it, but I'm just sick of it. I just want to be self-sufficient - to need nothing but myself.

Maybe I just need to go away for a little while. I mean, I've come to terms with the fact that no one listens or cares, but maybe removing myself from the daily goings-on of life would be good. I don't know, though. It seems wherever you go, problems can always find you. Might as well not even bother running.

Hmm, remind me to tell you how The Intellectual is still contacting me and making me even more bitter about men than I normally am. I'll save that for tomorrow. Also, the future of this blog, which I'll save for Wednesday.

more introspection.

Ugh. Sometimes I hate being such a "thinker," one of those people who's always living inside their head. It's mentally exhausting and not easy to deal with. Lately I've been in this really odd mood. I don't know when it began, but I want it to end now. I just feel so useless - useless and unhappy. I don't know if I even really believe I can be happy (I don't think most neurotic perfectionists ever are), but I think I can be a little happier than this.

Sometimes it feels as though everything in my life has synced up to just fuck me up. I *hate* that. Ever since I graduated things have been so up and down. Moving cross country - twice. Almost dying. Dealing with shitty dating situations. Having a crap job for 9 months. It seems like things are getting better, but then upon close inspection, I don't know if they actually are. I haven't given New York the thorough amount of exploration it's due. I feel better most days, as far as the blood clot is concerned, but I still wonder if I'm not taking proper care of my body. I'm at a dating crossroads and now I think I'm just terrified of trying to meet a new person because of all the shit I've dealt with in the past. I love my new job, but ultimately, I have no desire to remain in HR and yet I don't know exactly what I want to do. Something legal - I know that much, but I don't have too many other details.

I guess I've spent so much time grumbling (to myself) about my unhappiness that I haven't really thought about taking any action. I just don't know which action to take. When it's not entirely clear what you want, it's a little difficult to move towards it. I guess that's step 1 - figuring out what will make my life more fulfilling. I have some ideas, but I need to clarify them. I just want this year to be a good one. I'm coming upon my 1 year anniversary of my move back to NY and I feel like I'm regressing in some ways. I need to be moving forward.

In that vein, I've decided to focus on five things to help get my life in order:

1. My health
2. Exploring NYC
3. My social life
4. My career
5. Finding a hobby to be passionate about

I expect that in order to succeed with this, I'll have to step outside of my comfort zone. I'm really nervous about that, but am also looking forward to it. I think I've become too meek and complacent lately. I have a tendency to do that when I'm feeling uncomfortable or scared. I just retreat into myself and that is not good. I have to explore in order to grow and I can't be afraid of falling flat on my face. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has failings. I need to come to terms with mine and not be afraid to make new ones. Here we go.

fun weekend!

I've finally reentered the social scene. I went out last night to celebrate Slind's birthday. We did dinner and drinks at Blockheads on the West Side (well, everyone else did drinks, I did water and food - no liquor for boot camp week 1). Then we headed to the UWS for drinks. Again, I had water. Sigh - haha. Today, I got my nails done (need to start prepping for Commencement next weekend) and then we all went to see Star Trek, which I really loved. It actually made me want to watch the original TV show/movie. I might consider it. Chris Pine is super sexy and we all know how I feel about Zachary Quinto. Then we had dinner at this amazing place near Times Square. Lovely two days =)

Tonight I'm staying in, breaking my alcohol dry spell (5 days people! That's major for me =P), doing laundry and cleaning and focusing on getting my shit together. Tomorrow, I'm still not sure what the plans are, but I need to get my hair done and do some shopping, so I'm looking forward to that.

I'm glad I got up and out - it's been far too long. I need to start emerging from the cocoon.

we like boys!

I just feel like posting about men because I've literally done nothing at work and don't really have any intentions to do anything. Nearly my whole team is out for some reason and my whole cube is out, so I'm just chillin, doing nothing. I have a meeting in 20 and then I'll stick around for another 30 min or so, but I'm leaving early to go nap before I go to celebrate Slind's birthday! Wee! Love it!

So boys. Basically, I'm online again and picky as hell for some reason. I don't know why. I turn down nearly everyone I see. Too big, too small, too short, etc. I wish someone would come at me that actually peaks my interest. Some of these men look shady. I'll continue to stay on, though, and maybe I'll get a message from someone who doesn't weird me out. I'm really in no rush.

Fucking Intellectual texted me today, asking if I was free tonight. I told him I wasn't. Oh, well. Boo hoo. I guess it's just U & Ur Hand tonight. Haha - I'm evil. Truth be told, though, the thought of hooking up with him grosses me out. I don't know why, but I just don't trust him anymore and I think when you don't trust someone, the thought of screwing them is not appealing, even when they have 6 pack abs and a ridiculously large penis. I'm not used to trust issues with boys. I don't like it. TG may have been many things, but shady wasn't one of them. We'll see if The Intellectual has anything to say to me. He never responded back - maybe he realizes that I'm not somebody's plaything and he can't just have me when he wants me. To paraphrase Sex and the City (yeah, cliche, whatever, but it's one of my favorite lines) - "I may have liked him, but I like me more." So that's that. 

TG and I are talking a lot. Like daily. It's good and bad, but I like it - what else is new? Today he sent me kitty pics that I requested and offered to steal me a cat. HAHA. I like the dumbest shit, really.  I was also reminded of the time we were in bed and he told me I had thighs like a linebacker. He denies saying that, but a woman never forgets a comment like that. Shockingly enough, it amused me then and still does. I think I'm growing more secure with my body and quite frankly, some things I never minded. I mean, I have an athletic physique - the crew and rugby teams were always trying to recruit me. I mean, I don't look like a man or anything, but I'm probably stronger than the average woman. Anyhow, TANGENT. I just like talking to him. It's soothing in a way. I've missed it. Of course, when he gets a girlfriend again, I'm positive communication will be reduced. I have no hope of finding someone, so I'm sure he'll get there first. Oh well, facts of life.

Anyway, I should go read through my e-mail. My inbox is NUTS.

i want sleep more than i want anything else.

Seriously, this past couple of days, all I want to do is sleep. I would rather sleep than eat, rather sleep than have sex, rather sleep than watch television, rather sleep than drink! This is a dire situation, people! Luckily my body isn't as sore as it was during the first few days of boot camp. I don't know how I'd be functioning if that were the case. 

I think I'm actually doing pretty well so far. Today was Day 4 and I think it was the hardest day for me. It sucked getting up this morning - I didn't feel rested, the train was late, and I was in a rush. The workouts were pretty difficult and there was a lot of running involved, which I hate, of course. I like Tuesdays and Thursdays, though, because the class is smaller. There's only about 12 of us who are doing it every day (most girls do 3x a week) and there's a nice camaraderie between the women who've made the five day commitment. I'm praying I hold out and go to tomorrow's workout. I mean, we're already 20% done!

I'm looking forward to this weekend. Now that Slind is done with law school, we can see movies, and do fun things and enjoy the summer in the city. I'm really looking forward to it. Of course, my social life is going to be severely curbed while I'm doing this camp, but with Commencement next week, that'll liven things up.

Oh, and I haven't had a drink in the past 4 days! I'm keeping up my commitment! Yay!

in which i realize i need to think about my future.

Yesterday, I spent two hours talking to one of my favorite sorority sisters who's graduating this year. Talking to her made me realize that I haven't really been thinking about the future. When you're graduating from school, all you think about is the future. Where am I going to live? Who am I going to live with? What kind of job am I going to have? After almost two years in the so-called "real world" I've stopped thinking about the future. I mean, the economy sucks right now, so I figure I'll just ride it out in my current position, since I love it and I love my team. However, I really do need to start thinking about law school. After I took the LSAT, I sort of let it fall by the wayside.

Last night, I had this weird realization while on the phone. Maybe I don't want to be an entertainment lawyer. I still want to be a lawyer, for sure, but now I'm not sure I want to go into entertainment law. I've actually been thinking that I want to do something legal in the tech field. I mean, since working in Silicon Valley, I've become really obsessed with engineering and technology. I don't know how to code or any of that, but I'm fascinated with the word of engineers. I enjoy working with them and for them and I think it would be an interesting field. Of course, I have no idea what the options are for doing this, so I have to do some research. More and more, I think I want to go to law school in the Bay Area, which would be ideal for a career like this.

Well, that's how I'm feeling right now. We'll see how long it lasts - you all know how fickle I am =)

i really enjoy the company of women.

Let me explain before you all think that I'm switching to the other team (I'm not - sorry ladies, I love men too much). What I do enjoy, though, is groups of women getting together for a common cause or experience. When I was in college, I took a workshop called Fem Sex, all about female sexuality. Basically, about 18 girls got together twice a week to talk about everything under the sun pertaining to sexuality. College BFF called it my cunt cult - hahaha. All joking aside, though, I loved it. It was great to get into a room full of women with different experiences, backgrounds, and ideas about sex. I learned so much about myself in the process and I really connected to a group of new people who helped me along in my own sexuality journey. No subject was taboo - we talked about masturbation, fetishes, contraception, abuse, the list goes on and on. What I think I loved the most was the support. Throughout all of it, we were all encouraging and supportive of each other. We laughed together, cried together, and shared pieces of ourselves. There are women in that class who know more about me than my own close friends do. It was a wonderful experience and I haven't really done anything like it since. To this day, I keep a sheet of colored paper in a drawer near my bed from the class. On the last day, we were all asked to write our names on the top of the sheet of paper and then pass it around. Each person would write something positive about the person whose sheet they held. Some of the things they other girls wrote on my sheet were very touching and I still find value in that exercise today. It was a really special experience.

I'm starting to feel glimmers of that in boot camp. All of the women doing it are really supportive - we all push each other to keep going, keep moving, keep working. I feel so comfortable there because it's not competitive and everyone just wants to see everyone else succeed. I'm enjoying it immensely and when/if I finish, I will be oh so proud of myself for being disciplined and regimented for a whole month. Wish me luck!

well, i did it!

I went to boot camp! I came, I ran, I (sorta) conquered. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, although we did do a fuckton of running (which is not my strong suit). I somehow woke up at 4:30 AM, alert and refreshed. I took the subway to Central Park and we got started. We ran around the park like 20 million times, did a ton of situps, jumping jacks, push-ups, lunges, squats, and weight exercises. I think I'm going to like it, but I think it's going to be crazy difficult. 

Of course, the second I start working out, I just want to eat eat eat! I'm craving meat like whoa! It's starting to become an issue - haha, especially since lunch was shitty today. So I just got a salad and some beef. Which is probably for the best. I still cannot believe I'm doing this. I must be certifiably insane. 

We'll see if I keep it up!

and so we begin...

Tomorrow is the first day of my new 'dedicated to my body and health' lifestyle. I'm nervous, but I think it's about time. I'm praying to God to grant me the strength to keep up with this boot camp craziness. I'm also praying that I don't have an ulcer. I've been having this godawful chronic stomach pain and of course my hypochondriac mother has planted the idea that I have an ulcer in my head. Lovely. How many health problems can a 23 year old woman have? I'm blaming my genes.

I've decided no liquor for a week while I try this new regimen of diet and exercise - please pray for me on that one, too. I've made a fuckton of doctor's appointments and I plan on making more - need to see a dentist, a dermatologist, and an optometrist. So hopefully all of my shit will be in order.

I'm in desperate need of a new wardrobe for summer (should summer ever decide to come to NYC, I'm starting to think it never will). That's next weekend's little endeavor. Not to mention the fact that Commencement is coming up and I've never been more excited for a short jaunt to Providence. I'm really looking forward to it!

Anyway, it's Mother's Day, so I should go talk to my mom before she beats me. I also plan on making some seared scallops for lunch, so I better hop on that and maybe my stomach pain will go away =\

i'm afraid i'm becoming a shut-in.

Seriously. Maybe it's just a sign of the times, but I haven't really been going out lately. I guess I'm okay with it, but it's strange to me. It just seems like all of these factors have come together to keep me in my apartment. The craziness of work, my trip to California, the shittastic NYC weather, and my health problems. I'm either doubling over in pain from my stomach or feeling like I'm going to pass out. Sigh.

I think I'm starting to get my shit together. I have two doctor's appointments - one for hematology and another with my primary care physician. So hopefully, I can figure out what's going on with my body. While I'm at it, I think I'll make an appointment with my OB/GYN to get my IUD placed.

I start boot camp on Monday at 5:35 am sharp. I really hope I can commit to this. It's important to me, and I'd really like to get some of my motivation back. I feel myself slipping all of the time.

I really would like to get my social life back, as well. Hopefully the weather will be nice and it'll be more conducive to going out and making plans. Also, once finals have ended for my friends, I'm hoping to see more of them. Getting back into the dating scene is another item on my list of things to do. It's been a nice little "break," but I think I'm ready to jump in again.

Lots of changes on the horizon!

there comes a point where you have to ask ...

... how much do I value myself? What do I think I'm worth? Sigh. Sometimes I think I have 'doormat' stamped on my forehead. Other times I think I must really hate myself or have low self-esteem or no sense of worth. I don't know - or maybe it's just that I'm too nice, too willing to give chances to people. I'm not sure what it is, but whatever the cause may be I'm starting to get tired of dealing with men and their bullshit. Hell, with people and their bullshit.

Now, I know I'm an idiot - let me preface with that. I mentioned previously that The Intellectual and I had spoken and that we had agreed to play things by ear and potentially see each other again. Lately, he's been IMming and trying to see if we can get together. So we had tentatively decided on this week. I texted to figure out what day worked best for him. Yesterday I get a text back asking if I was free that night. I said yes and started to make the requisite plans for having him come over. Then, like 20 minutes later, he texts back asking if we can raincheck for Sunday. Whatever. I'm over it. I texted him back that I was busy Sunday and it would have to be some other time. By some other time, I mean the 34th of Never. I just don't understand how this boy can't even make a simple plan without canceling. I mean, I certainly don't expect or want anything relationshippy from him, but I think common decency dictates that you shouldn't just blow people off with no explanation. This is also not the first time that he's done this. I just have no patience for it anymore. Defriending him was the right step and I should've just ignored him when he called me on it and told him to go to hell and not contact me. Maybe I've finally learned my lesson.

It's not that I have a problem with casual sex (hi, I obviously don't... haha) or with coordinating busy schedules. I just have a problem with people who don't keep their word and who don't have enough respect for me to even give me the basics. So when he calls - I've learned with him it's a matter of when, not if - I'm going to tell him that I don't think he respects me and that quite frankly I don't have time for bullshit from men that don't even clear my bar in the first place (oh yeah, I went there). I wouldn't tolerate this from a friend, so why should I take it from him?

I really cannot wait for the chance to tell him off.

sex education?

A few days ago, I had this moment where I wanted to quit my job and become a full-time sex educator/writer. Obviously, I'm not going to do this. I love my job, it pays well, we're in the middle of a recession, and I have to pay the rent on my pricey Manhattan apartment. Instead, I've been looking at ways to get involved in the community during the evenings or weekends. I've looked into Planned Parenthood and they have a month-long workshop where you can learn about the principles of sex ed and then go on to work on one of their task forces. I'm most interested in sex education for youth (at the moment) and then later, focusing more on adult sex ed. Sometimes I'm truly appalled at the lack of knowledge I've seen over issues of sex and sexuality. Not only from my friends, but myself included. I certainly am no expert on these issues, but I think I'd like to become one. I even looked into a program at Widener University in Philly. It's over the weekends, so it would be totally doable, but I'm not going to jump the gun on that just yet. I'll start working with PP work for now and then if I find that enjoyable and rewarding look into a higher level of learning.

It's amusing to me - I'm never entirely sure what I want to do with my life, but I always find clarity when I look back at the things I loved as a child. When I was a little girl, I read Laura Ingalls-Wilder books like crazy and loved reading about people from different eras. I got to college and became *ding ding* an American History major. I started out thinking I might do psychology or english or theatre, but sure enough, my passion was something I've loved ever since I was small.

When I was young, I was a strange little girl and loved reading all of my parents books about fertility and childbirth and things of that nature. Since I'm adopted and my parents had lots of conception issues, we had a library of books about the sexual process. I've known what sex is and how babies are made since the age of 4. I shouldn't be shocked that I'm still interested in those sorts of things. Tie that into my crazy, liberal hippie feminism and I think I could be really happy doing this sort of work. Since I'll be gone on business in June, I'm going to sign up for the July training sessions and hopefully I'll be on my way to volunteering in a meaningful way and making a difference in an area I feel passionate about. In the meantime, I figure I'll bulk up my sex ed library and spend some time at Babes in Toyland, browsing their library and the classes they offer.

Yay!

good idea/bad idea?

I'm thinking of taking a solo trip to Europe. What do we think? Good idea, bad idea? I found this company - http://www.inntravel.co.uk - that has walking or cycling tours of various places for a pretty decent rate. I could take a week - go to Italy or Greece or someplace fabulous like that and walk around, stay at different hotels, see the sights. Since I wasn't able to do my cross-country train trip and I have 10 vacation days accumulated already (that's a lot of time), I figure I should try something else. I think it could be amazing.

I know a bunch of women who've traveled alone before and they say it's rewarding and eye-opening. I think I'd like to try it. However, my friends are concerned about my well-being and safety. I feel like as long as I'm smart about it, it shouldn't be an issue. But, yes, I know - I'm a woman, I'm a black woman, yada yada. I hate shit like that. Not doing something because you fit into some specialized category. It sucks.

Just thought I'd float the idea out there. I think it could be a good time.

i do work, too, i swear.

I have been spending way too much time talking about boys and the like. So, here's a little work update, because I do have an actual job that I go to 8-10 hours a day. 

The corporate world has always been a little difficult for me, mainly because I have the meek gene. I don't know how I got it. All signs would point to me being a strong, forceful individual. I grew up in a family with a very domineering black woman at the center. My mother is probably the most outgoing, take-charge person I know. She showed me a model of strong womanhood that I'm grateful for every day. My mother doesn't take shit from anyone - not my father, not her co-workers, no one. Growing up, I always believed that my mother had the power to kill me. I still believe that. I'm about 9 inches taller and 50 pounds heavier than my mom and I'm still scared shitless of her. Now that's power!

I did get some of my mother's strength - namely, in my fierce sense of independence. I've always worked hard, excelled in school, gotten myself to the places I wanted to go. When I want to do something, I do it. When I want change, I create it. I've reinvented myself and my life so many times it's probably pathological. I don't rely on anyone for anything and I firmly believe that at the end of the day, it's me, myself, and I. So why, then, do I find it nearly impossible to stand out in academic or work settings? I'm just so shy and quiet at work. I *adore* my boss and yet, I get nervous when we meet. I'm not the type to speak up in meetings, because I'm never quite 100% sure of myself. I've seen some of that dissolve in my new role, since most of my new job consists of tasks I've done before. I'm still not where I want to be, though. I'm deeply shy. Everyone should know this. I put on a very big front - because I can be extroverted, gregarious, and wild in certain situations. But, at my core, my essence, I'm still 5 years old - terrified of interacting with anyone that isn't in my immediate family. It can be quite debilitating. 

I also wonder if it's a function of gender and race. Black professionals are an interesting breed, at least as far as I've observed and discussed with other black women like myself. We're not really into the whole "team bonding" thing and we have this sense of propriety that helps us excel, but also can leave us feeling disconnected. I guess it all stems from the fact that, unlike many other people, I constantly feel like I have to prove my value and worth to the company. I was taught (and have observed) that people are constantly going to question my right to be wherever I am, and the last thing I want to do is give them a reason to think I shouldn't be there. I've seen a bunch of my older (white) colleagues go crazy at company parties, engaging in drunken behavior, telling risque jokes. I cannot imagine any black professional I know doing any of those things. We were raised by our parents to be polite, well-behaved, and proper. At least when dealing with people in an academic or professional setting. I felt like the biggest prude on my old team because I just didn't like to engage in that kind of behavior with my colleagues. I mean, you all know me - I get drunk on a regular basis, have promiscuous sexual encounters with men, curse like a sailor, and a whole other host of inappropriate behavior. But, I will not bring that shit to work. I don't think it's appropriate. Maybe my closed-off nature is a hindrance, but damnit, I work in HR. I'm allowed to be a prude.

Sometimes I just feel like I need to give myself more of a voice at my job. I do good work and I'm recognized for it, but I feel like I lack the confidence that will help me succeed. There are too many women and too many women of color who are marginalized and denied their voice - for a multitude of reasons. Many don't have the money, the time, or the opportunities that I've had to get where I am. I feel like I'm doing them (and myself) a great disservice by not asserting myself and "being the ambition freak I am." I need to stop being afraid to speak up.

danger, will robinson! danger!

Spent another evening talking to TG last night. Don't look at me that way! He IMmed me... hahaha. We talked for an hour or so, I don't even remember what about. Just life in general. It's nice to talk to him - relaxing and comfortable. What I'm doing is not healthy. Well, what we're doing. It's certainly not just me - it's both of us. I wonder how long it'll keep up, this daily communication. We definitely speak every day online for about an hour or so.

Sometimes I wonder. If I hadn't been afraid, if I hadn't pushed him away, if I hadn't moved - how would things be? Maybe we wouldn't have had all that drama if I wasn't so secretive and scared. But, then again, maybe we would. We are two completely different people. I think I learned a lot from that relationship. Namely that being closed-off is never the way to go. Even though my openness led me to get hurt pretty badly over The Intellectual, I don't regret it. I think I know what I want now when I get involved with a new boy and I'm glad that I can admit to myself that I want a relationship. That was a big step. I just wonder how long it'll take me to get there with someone else. That same level of comfort and knowledge. I hope it doesn't take forever. I don't know how much longer I can wait.

i have a problem.

I can never seem to let go of the past when it comes to men. I don't really think I'm like this in any other aspect of my life. I mean, I'm very nostalgic - don't get me wrong - but, I never dwell on the past quite as much as I dwell on the men in my past. With every guy that's come into my life, I've had serious issues with when it comes to getting over them. I just love to reminisce and think about the "good times." So here I am now, stuck on men in my past.

First, there's The Intellectual. I'm not really stuck on him, but I'm still entertaining his advances, which is just as bad. I mean, he's a tool. I know he's a tool. I've acknowledged this and I want nothing to do with him in the relationship sense. In the sexual sense... well, that's a different story. He IMmed last night.

he: GO TO BED!!!
me: haha
me: i'm not tired
he: Maybe I should come by and help keep you up. ;)

Don't worry - he didn't come by to "help keep me up," but I did tell him that he might be able to come over sometime this week. Ugh, why do I do the things I do? Most likely it's because I have a crazy sex addiction - haha. I mean, I really, really enjoyed hooking up with him. Honestly. Body like a Greek god, well-endowed, and totally unselfish in bed. Men like that don't just drop out of the sky and when they do, they certainly never get dropped on my doorstep. That's not how it works. Sigh. So we'll see.

Then, there's TG. I miss him so much. SO much. It's hard to even put it into words. I spent most of last night chatting online with him. He just gets me in this crazy way and we talk and we flirt and it's so much fun. He knows what articles I'm interested in, what to say to get me hot, that witty banter that I'm in desperate need of. It took so long to get to that point with a man that it's hard to let go. I still haven't found anyone yet who I'm on that level with. It's almost depressing.

Going deeper (and I always like to psychoanalyze myself), I think I'm just using these men to avoid getting on with my life. If I think about them, I don't have to put myself back out there. I can be blissfully avoidant of men and just keep a low profile because I have The Intellectual to take care of me sexually and TG to take care of me on a more personal, emotional level. I'm hoping that when summer finally decides to descend on Manhattan, maybe all the fun things to do in the city will get me out of the house and around some potential new love interests. One can only hope...

testing the limits of my motivation.

I'm signing up for boot camp. That's right - a month of exercise hell. It's this women's only camp held in Central Park at *5:30 AM* Jesus Christ. I'm wondering if I have the motivation to do it. Part of me is afraid because of the time. I mean, I'm an early-bird, but not that early. However, the only other option is 9AM and I just don't think that'll work out for me in terms of my job. So what I plan to do is wake up every M-F at 4:30 AM for a week, hoof it uptown to Central Park, and then head back downtown - hopefully get to my apartment by 7:00 AM, catch a nap, and then get ready for work. It's crazy and insane, I know, but I know my body and the only way I'm going to lose the weight I want is if someone is kicking my ass. I also know that I want to enjoy my summer and I don't want to commit to an evening boot-camp (I think there are some other evening ones) because I'll be more likely to skip. Let's see how this goes. I'm hoping the monetary incentive (shit is expensive!) will be enough to motivate me to go. Also, camp ends right before I go back to CA and I would love it if I could be smoking hot for that trip. We'll see.

I feel like I need to dedicate myself to bettering my body. It's only a month.

cannot believe it's may!

Wow, today is May 1st. I really cannot believe how fast time is flying. In about one month, I will have lived in New York for a year (well, I guess technically not NYC, but New York). I still don't know if I feel at home here. It's not that I don't feel comfortable, I just wonder when any place will feel like home. Some days I feel so incredibly grown-up. I travel for work all the time and I have a job that's meaningful and important, with lots of responsibilities. However, sometimes I still see myself as being 18 years old and carefree, even though I'm not. I have bills to pay, an apartment to clean, and a life of my own. I'm single, I don't live at home, and I support myself. It's a good feeling, but scary sometimes.

I still don't know exactly what I want out of life. The economy has caused so much change. Things I thought would be simple - like law school or taking time off - have now become difficult, since I have to make decisions based on logic and reason and not just my whims. I think our generation was told that we could do anything, be anything, and that we should expect the best. So when times are hard, it's difficult for us to understand that you can't always get what you want. So, I'm going to try and not get discouraged if I push school off for longer.

Sometimes I long to break free from my parents. I think they're too much of a presence in my life. Not that I talk to them frequently or anything, but in the sense that I find it hard to make decisions without thinking about what they'll think or say. I mean, I haven't taken money from my parents in a really long time (hell, I just lent my mother a considerable amount of money), and so I believe I should have the freedom to make those decisions.

I'm excited about the summer and the prospect of really carving out more of a life here in NYC. I'm a firm believer that one can have many homes. I feel at home on Long Island, and in San Francisco, and in Providence. Now I need to feel at home in Manhattan. It's truly a special place to be. I feel lucky that I'm able to be here - in this moment, now. It's time for me to kick things up a notch and really go after what I want. I'll be 24 soon. I'd like to start the year off the right way.