i am so happy i just might burst into song.

We have an application and a hold on an apartment!!!! It's in this SICK building in the financial district and it's beautiful. Three bedroom converted, 2 full bathrooms, the prettiest kitchen I've ever seen. Laundry in the building, gym, rooftop terrace access, wi-fi in the lounges, a movie screening room. It looks absolutely fabulous. I'm not sure what room I want yet. The rooms are a little smaller than the ones we have now - one has two closets, though. Another one has a bathroom. Not sure which I want more. I guess I should also feel out which one J wants. Either one seems fine to me. There are lots of windows and a ton of light. It's so airy and pretty.

The only issue I have is that the living room is going to be tiny. Like teeny-tiny. But, I never hang out there anyway AND the kitchen is big enough to really cook in. Plus with all the free space in the building, I'll have plenty of places to go.

Okay - this is the randomest thing EVER, but guess who lives in my apartment building? THE BANKER! Ummm, really?! Haha - out of all the buildings in New York, I'm moving two floors below the banker. Get the *#$% out. It really is a small world after all.

hate searching for apartments.

Can I just mention how much I hate apartment hunting? Seriously. Nothing has pleased me yet and we've seen some real shitholes. Well, just one. It was like the dungeon of death. J and I were afraid we'd catch some sort of communicable disease just from setting foot inside it. I think we're going to start looking at buildings in the financial district. I'm actually kind of looking forward to it - even though it's dead down there, the buildings are nice and the amenities are pretty cool. Not to mention, I never seem to make my way past 14th street anyway, so it shouldn't really inconvenience me.

I just want to find someplace to live - apartment searches make me cranky and remind me of all the godawful experiences I've had with them. I also expect to fight with my mother, since apparently that's what happens whenever I move. Literally - every time. It happened in Prov, in SF, and again in NYC. Maybe this time we'll really get into it. =)

fun new york weekend!

Lately, I've been feeling kind of down, there's been all this drama and I really needed to have a nice, fun weekend in New York to help me remember how much I love this place. Luckily, this weekend was fabulous and really did the trick.

Friday night was super low-key. My big sister (sorority) came to visit and we had dinner at this Mexican place near my house. Had an amazing drink - basically just a mojito, but with coconut rum - yum! Then we came home and chatted it up a bit.

Saturday was tons of fun - went out to Long Island and did the beach thing. We didn't get to spend all that much time on the beach, but it didn't matter. What was most important to me was hanging out with my oldest friends, driving fast and blasting all of our favorite songs, singing along. Had a nice lunch on the beach, chilled out for a bit. Unfortunately, there was thunder on the horizon, so we had to leave after about an hour or so, but just making it out there was enough for me. After that, we picked up B and drove out to the Cheesecake Factory. Great dinner followed by a spectacular fireworks show. Then it was back to the city.

Sunday morning brunch at The Sunburnt Cow was great. I got so smashed, though. I didn't think those screwdrivers were going to get to me, but they did. I think I may have gotten sick from either the meal or the alcohol because I was violently ill this afternoon during a trip to the Mac store. So not fun. Tried to walk off my illness while observing the folks at the parade. I love Pride weekend. Loved seeing gay and lesbian couples walking hand in hand down the street, people in colorful costumes waving flags. The vibe in the city was just so open and loving. I wish I would have been able to participate, but there's always next year.

I was in desperate need of this weekend - reconnecting with friends, getting to spend some time enjoying New York. It was just what I needed. I think sometimes it's easy for me to forget what I love about this place, especially when my life gets complicated and messy. I don't know if I'll live in New York forever, but I know that a piece of myself will always be connected to this city. No matter where life takes me, I will always be a New Yorker.

reliance.

I find that my friendship (is that the right word?) with TG still manages to teach me things about myself, even though it's been a year since we were properly together. I guess I have slowly gotten used to relying on him in certain ways. Like last night, when my motherfucking computer broke (sorry, I'm mad). Basically, the damn thing won't stay on for more than 20 minutes and I'm pained because it's my baby. When it happened, he was the first person I wanted to talk to because I wanted to figure out what the hell was wrong with it and what I could do to fix it. So I direct messaged him on Twitter and of course he wrote back right away. We pinged back and forth and he made me explain the problem and then he sent me two links that explained what I needed to do it get it back. He also told me if I don't feel comfortable trying to fix it on my own, I should make an appointment with a Mac genius. He reassured me that the computer isn't dead, but that it just needs some technical thing that I can't remember the name of. Is it bad that I like relying on him for these things?

I'm really bad at relationships and part of me thinks it's because of my inability to let another human being really take care of me. I have this scrappy sense of independence that leads me to try and fix everything myself before asking anyone for help. I do it at my job and I do it in my personal life. I think men, especially TG, really like being able to do things for the women in their lives. TG always responds so positively when I need his help. He doesn't like to console me or talk for hours about my problems, but if something breaks, he wants to fix it or help me fix it. I'm finally getting to the point in my life where I'm okay with letting someone else fix things for me. I'm not necessarily sure if I should feel this way about him, but I'm glad I'm feeling it for someone.

branching out.

Lately, I've been thinking about the importance of taking on new experiences and challenge, whenever they present themselves. I feel like I've let myself become a little too complacent with my life. It's gotten routine and monotonous and boring and I'm not happy as a result. While I am a person that loves order and stability and I like to have set routines, my current state of affairs is certainly not ideal. I don't mine having a schedule, as long as it's a fun one, but I don't even have that. 

The other day, I talked to one of my younger sorority sisters who just graduated. She was talking about a job opportunity in TX and asking me what I thought about it. Most of the girls in our house went to cities like Boston, New York, or DC when they graduated, so she wanted the perspective of someone who had gone far away. To be honest, the whole time we were talking, I was so excited for her. The thought of going somewhere completely different and trying a new life in a new place sounded so exciting. I encouraged her to go because I think it'll teach her something about herself and will be a tremendous opportunity for personal growth. I mean, if it sucks, it's only for a year (she wants to go back to school the following year), so she might as well just take it. Boston and New York and DC (and the people that live there) will definitely be there when she returns, if she decides that she wants to come back. I'm envious of her situation. I used to be such a risk-taker. I used to take the hard choice over the easy one. I used to want to challenge myself. Lately, I haven't been doing any of that. It's a problem.

As I discussed before, I went to my feminist book club last night. Oh my God - I had a blast! The women were great, all in their 20s, very friendly and open and intelligent. We barely even talked about the book, but we shared our own personal stories and laughed and chatted and gossiped. It was so refreshing. We talked about miscarriages, adoption, dating in NYC, our ideal weddings. It was awesome. I even exchanged numbers with a girl after the meeting - she's also black and from the town next door to me on Long Island! Amazing. The whole thing really showed me how important it is to take risks and put yourself out there. I'm really glad I did it. While I would welcome the chance to go on some crazy adventure in a new city, I think I also have to realize that there are plenty of ways to branch out, even in your own backyard. I need to start taking advantage of some of those means. It's time.

this is what a feminist looks like?

I signed up for this feminist book club that has its first meeting tomorrow afternoon in NYC. I'm deathly nervous. I'm a pipsqueak and since I never spoke in class, I wonder what makes me think a book club will be any different. I'm hoping that because we're reading one of my favorite books - The Red Tent - I'll be more actively engaged with the conversation. Plus, only 5 people have RSVP'd yes, so that's a small enough group where I'm sure I'll be able to get a word in. However, what makes me even more nervous is the fact that it's a feminist book club. I often self-identify as a feminist, but I am aware that that means different things to different people. Men and women far smarter and more well-educated than I am are still debating the meaning of feminism, so it's not surprising that I'm unsure what kind of book club I signed up for.

I'm afraid of what kinds of feminists I might encounter at this gathering. I went to a very liberal institution that shall not be named and I have seen feminism in many forms. I mean, I love my alma mater with all my heart, but sometimes people there took shit just a little too far. I'm not just talking about feminism, but political correctness and liberalism, as well. There's no sense in being so sensitive to everything that you can't appreciate the humor in something a little off-color. While I was at school, I took a female sexuality workshop which my best friend, a conservative woman, used to call my "cunt club." HAHA. That still makes me laugh. Even though I loved that group to death (I maintain it was the best thing I did at college, after the sorority), I can see why my friend could be wary. A bunch of women sitting around discussing sexuality can come across as overly touchy-feely, but I think it depends on the kinds of women discussing it and the atmosphere in which the discussion is taking place. 

I value spaces where women feel comfortable expressing their sexuality in all of its forms. Some women are virgins, some have had sex with scores of people. Some women masturbate, others don't. Some are fairly conservative about sex, others liberal. I liked that there was a mix of different types of women in the class. What I am most afraid of in joining this book club is that my feminism won't sync up with the feminism of the other women in the group and that my views won't be respected. Feminism is not a monolithic movement - it's nuanced and dynamic, but I think that far too often people want to try and box it into a simple definition that just doesn't exist. Feminism is such a troubled word because of all of the misconceptions that surround it, as well as its history. I'm a colored woman, and my race will always factor into my feminist beliefs. Historically, the feminist movement - especially back in the 50s and 60s -didn't do an adequate job of factoring things like race and economics into the discussion.

I guess if I had to describe my ideal feminist space it would be one in which women AND men could recognize that there are many different ways to be a woman. Everyone comes to the table with a different background and backstory that informs their choices. I believe that every woman should have the right to make the choice that is best for her. The way I define womanhood may not be everyone else's definition and that's okay. The point is that the systems and infrastructure of society should support this ability to choose.  Women should be welcomed, valued, and fairly compensated in society and the workplace, but they should also be able to stay at home with their children if that's the path they desire. Instead of judging each other's choices, we should work to ensure that all women are able to pursue their dreams. So here's hoping these bitches aren't crazy. And I mean that in the most loving, feminist way possible =P

attention!

Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. I'm not dating anymore. That's right, folks, I am taking a 6+ month hiatus from dating. Until January of 2010, I plan on staying away from any and all unfamiliar boys in any romantic context. I can't remember when I made this decision, but I just feel like I'm not in a good place in my own head and I don't need to compound that by getting involved with some asshole who's probably just going to dick me over in 3-4 dates. Oh, and did I mention I'm a cynical bitch now, as well? To be serious for a second, though, I just don't think that dating is my thing. I'm not giving up on men forever, but I am making the conscious decision to fix my house before I invite anyone inside. The funny thing is, I'm strangely happy and excited about this new lifestyle change. I don't even have the urge to be in a relationship or seek one out.

The past year of dating in Manhattan has been pretty shitty. There was the 38 year old who, while nice, was just wayyy too old for me. Then there was the guy that was incredibly charming and sweet until after he got in my pants and then rapidly disappeared. I also vaguely recall having about 30 seconds of sex with a random guy in the back of a car after a first date. And let's not forget the cream of the crop, The Intellectual, who has pretty much turned me off to all of mankind. I really should send him a thank you note for that one, because he definitely fucked me up good. 

Don't get me wrong - I haven't given up on the idea of love and marriage and family. I just don't think that I am strong enough right now to even attempt to create any of that. I feel like I'm going through some powerful and profound change in my life, and it is a change that I need to go through alone. I actually feel like I'm getting some of my old self back - the girl who didn't care about boys, focused on bettering herself and didn't spend days, weeks, and months agonizing over men. I learned so much about myself in that time and I want to go back to that. Because I know that when all is said and done, if I take this time now, when I finally meet the man I'm supposed to spend my life with, I will be ready, complete, and whole.

Now, before you thing I'm completely crazy, notice I said nothing about abstaining from sex. This isn't a vow of celibacy or chastity, but a vow not to get emotionally involved until I sort things out. I still plan on having sex when the mood strikes - I'm just sticking to exes and one night stands. No strings attached (yes, I believe this is possible - I've done it before). And only when I really feel like I need it. I mean, let's face it - a girl's got needs. Consider it returning to the fundamentals of this blog - nothing messy, nothing emotional, and pillow talk is extra. =)

going home was a wise choice.

I decided to spend the weekend on Long Island for Father's Day and it was one of the best decisions I've made in a while. I spent all of Friday evening completely unplugged - no BlackBerry, no computer, no internet. I joked and laughed with my parents and brothers and we ended up watching Wedding Crashers over dinner. It felt so good to just laugh and have fun and not stress about my life. Saturday, I slept practically all day. I didn't do anything productive, got dressed in the afternoon and headed out for a fun day with Slindy and High School Best Friend. We saw The Year One (which was absolutely AWFUL, by the way) and then hit up the mall for Father's Day shopping. After that, we did Bertucci's, where I got my veal parm fix and we chatted and talked. It was nice to see them, as I haven't really hung out with my friends in a while.

Today, I've just been taking care of some last-minute errands and bumming around the house. I never thought my family would have such a calming effect, but I've been reminded about how much I really love and miss them. I like that I have the ability to take these trips out here whenever I feel unbalanced or uncentered. It's a nice thing to have. Oddly enough, I'll be back next weekend for a beach weekend with the friends (hopefully) and then the following weekend for 4th of July celebrations. That may be a little too much Long Island, but after that I think I'll be staying in Manhattan for a while.

in which i realize i have changed, and not in a good way.

I'm heading off to Long Island to spend the weekend with my parents and I'm 100% excited about it. First of all, I get to get away from NYC, which is very, very good. Secondly, I get to see my family and they're always funny and interesting. Thirdly, I get to hang out with High School Best Friend and Slind! Yay! We're going to do movies and Italian food and hanging out. I haven't seen either of them in a long time and I'm really looking forward to it.

In that vein, I've been thinking of ways to get out and about this summer. The weather has been terrible around here and I really am dying to go to the beach. I'm thinking that if the weather gets better soon, I'm going to start going to the beach by myself regardless. I don't understand how I used to be so comfortable going out alone and doing things by myself and then I move back to NYC and I can't go out without a chaperone. Pish posh! In DC, I went out every weekend for meals and movies alone. I literally had no friends where I lived in Washington State. I lived in a fucking shack in the woods with an aunt and uncle I barely knew. I think I had more fun that summer than I'm having this summer in the middle of one of the greatest cities on earth. Isn't that sad? I think it kind of is.

I guess I just have to reclaim my time and my sense of self. Instead of complaining all of the time, I should just do things by myself when I can't find others to do them with me. I could probably meet some new people doing it. There's no sense in bitching and moaning about how no one will make time to hang out. I've got time and plenty of it, since work is cooling off. I might as well use it to get out and explore New York. This is a huge city and people go out by themselves all the time. I need to just fucking grow a pair and start acting like a woman and not a little girl.

because i'm mad enough to spit nails...

... I'm just going to stick with a simple list of things on my mind and not write a diatribe about how I feel. Before that list, let me just say that there are some real downsides to having a blog that people can link to you. Granted, the average Joe who stumbles upon this corner of teh interwebs doesn't know me from a hole in the wall, but most of my close friends know exactly who's behind this page. Which means my latest troubles cannot really be placed here. Oh well, such is life.

Anyway. Today sucked royally. I didn't feel well, didn't get enough sleep, it was really rainy, and I'm tired of trying to jump through hoops to hang out with people. So I stayed home and was banned from working by my boss, who ordered me not to go online. Sigh. I spent most of the day sleeping, ate only 1.5 cupcakes and bitched to a few friends. While doing all of this, a few things crossed my mind.

1. I'm ready to go back to school. Like 5 minutes ago. I love my job and it's going swimmingly, especially now that I've switched teams, but I'm ready for the next big challenge and law school seems like it could be it. So I'm applying. Now for the dilemma - should I apply early? Right now my top choice is Hastings, a really good school in San Francisco. They have an early program, but it is binding and I'm not entirely sure I want to sign up for something binding just yet. We'll see, I suppose.

2. TG is being really good to me lately. I've been stressed about some things in NYC lately and I spent a lot of last night crying my eyes out and he's been really the only one that's shown much of an interest in finding out how I'm doing, which is funny because I didn't even think I'd really put my unhappiness out there. So I didn't expect anyone to say anything, but he did and he's been sending me links and stuff to cheer me up and told me that he's here for me whenever I need it. Sometimes, all you really want is for someone to just be there. And he is, so I'm happy.

3. I lately realized that I have absolutely no interest in looking for my birth parents. I guess it's a testament to my mom and dad that a desire I once had has pretty much been eradicated. I'd love to get a photo of them, though.

4. I would sell my brother for a piece of candy right now. Is that bad? In that vein, I have been eating horribly and doing no exercise. Somebody please smack me back into workout mode.

5. I've decided that I want to be hyper-social next week. Since I'm sure none of my usual peeps will be available, I've decided that I want to have a crazy, wild tear up NYC night with my friend Tall, who I haven't seen in ages. Also, my friend B is coming from Boston! Yay! I have book club on Wednesday, where we'll be discussing The Red Tent. So that really just leaves one more day I have to fill, so I should think of something fun to do.

I also have no patience to proofread this entry, so it probably makes no sense.

hi random!

So while in bed together last weekend, TG mentioned that he wants to come to New York, which I encouraged, of course. I figured he would just say it and then not actually come or whatever. Apparently, though, it's on the forefront of his mind as he is now looking at dates to come here and stay with me for probably a week. This could be good or it could be bad. I'm unsure. Whatever it is, it is drama and I like it because it allows me to forget the things that are annoying me in my life right now. Awesome!

I guess this means that all of my friends will meet him. I wonder how that'll go. Unlike SF, I don't have many engineer friends, but TG likes Chappelle so our incessant quoting shouldn't be an issue. I'm creepily looking forward to this. Haha. Watch it not happen now. Anyway, I'll keep you posted on that.

nighttime post.

Work was a shitshow today - tons of meetings, so I didn't have much time to post. Normally, I'd let it go, but I feel strangely compelled to write as I watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey season finale (omg so excited!!!).

I've been in this zen mood lately - just trying to get rid of all of the negativity around me. As most of you know, I've had this situation lately that's been bothering me and I'm not really sure how to handle it, so I've just been sort of ignoring it. It's nothing that related directly to me, so I'm just going to let it go. I just hate being so emotionally involved in things that don't involve me. I need to learn to get over that.

I'm considering letting my hair grow natural and trying to stop biting my nails. I'm tired of fake things in my life. My nails are not really that long and my hair is not really that straight. It's all fake. Knowing me, I will inevitably fail at this and end up going back to my old ways, but for now this is what I think I want to do. I'm at least going to try it. Of course, I'm not giving up my mani/pedis or my hair appointment, I'm just giving up the chemicals. Plus, I trust the Dominican women in my hair salon to be able to deal with my nappy, natural hair. Also, I'm keeping my fake colored contacts. They're sexy. Haha - I'm taking this 'natural' thing very slowly. I am a Long Island girl, after all. Wish me luck!

It's not that I want to become some sort of organic, hippie child, but for whatever odd reason I'm longing for simpler things. Getting closer to my true self and stripping away all the layers to see what's underneath. In truth, I probably am a shallow, narcisstic brat in my heart, but I should at least try to be something else for a bit. Mix it up a little.

I haven't worked out in a week now, so tomorrow I need to get on top of that. I've made a list of all of the crazy boot camp exercises I want to do tomorrow. Clean body, clean mind and all of that. I am a hot mess sometimes. It makes me laugh.

the left coast always leaves me introspective.

I've put off writing this post all day because I haven't been able to center my thoughts and really narrow down what I want to talk about. Makes the whole blogging thing a difficult endeavor.  I felt really odd this morning. I had a pang of California-sickness and missing certain things out there. Like the atmosphere and the boy. Spending two weekends with TG in a very couple-like manner was really strange for me. It felt so good, but at the same time, so bad, because it reminds me of what could have been and how my life could have gone. Don't get me wrong - nothing is perfect. I mean, nothing is ever perfect. But, the past two weekends were good and I miss him and the way we relate to each other and our general rhythm. I'm more comfortable with him than any man I've ever been with. Sometimes I have trouble figuring out if we had the potential to be something bigger or if I'm just delusional. Probably a bit of both.

Then there's the way I miss California. To be honest, I think it'll be simple to deal with that. I just need to find a way to connect to New York in the same way I connected to SF. I had a lot of social drama in CA - social drama that I don't have in NYC. I like all of my friends and while sometimes certain situations irk me, I know that the greatest number of my closest friends live here and so I have a lot of people that I care right at my fingertips and a social set that pleases me. I just haven't done the work to make the actual city feel like home. Complicated situation.

I've also been thinking about how to fix my life. I feel like I'm on the edge of some really great self-discovery. I just need some more time and work to really push myself over. I don't know how to go about doing it though. Part of me wants to retreat into myself, but I'm already starting to feel like I've gotten too reclusive. I haven't spoken on the phone to College BFF is ages, and that worries me. I'm not trying to shut people out, but it seems like I unintentionally end up in that situation. It's a tough line to tread.

I think I'd like to use this blog to really focus on the change I'm seeking. Use it to focus on my growth as a person, while still interspersing it with anecdotes and stories from my day-to-day life. As I work through these difficult questions, I just have to hope I'll come out on top in the end. Hopefully I'll figure out what will make me happy. I'm fairly confident that I can get whatever I want. I just have to figure out what that is and go from there.

back from california.

Wow, I haven't written in about a week - insane! I had a really good time in California, but clearly I didn't have time to write anything down. Not only have I been slacking on blogging, I haven't written in my journal at all this trip - ugh. I guess it was nice to get away from technology for a bit. Sometimes I feel like I don't take enough time to check in with myself - it's always Facebook, Twitter, blogging, etc. Considering they wouldn't let us use our computers on the work trip, I haven't even done anything technological for my job in about a week. I still can't believe that, considering I work for a pretty big tech firm.

The trip was really nice. San Francisco was amazing, the weather was good, and I got to see a ton of people I hadn't seen in a while. All very good things. It's always hard to go back to California because it's such a mixed bag of emotions. I remember all the things I love about CA and all the things that were better than in New York. At the same time, I'm also reminded of the things that just really sucked about living there. I mean, if I ever went back there, I would have to have a completely different life because the way things were just did not work for me. I struggle with my feelings for TG, so seeing him is almost bittersweet. I mean, I really cherish the time we spend together and sometimes I get really upset because I think that I fucked up a lot of things in that relationship and there was so much I could've done better. Don't get me wrong - he definitely shares in the blame, but I often wonder how things would have been if I could have been able to be more open and taken a different approach. This trip I tried to rectify some of that - opening myself more and letting him into my life. I struggle with that, so it was good. However, I'm also 3000 miles away, so I know I shouldn't let myself get attached.

There really is so much to talk about I have no idea where to begin. I do think I am in this moment of transformation right now and it's so hard to wrap my head around all of it. I'd like to use this blog to help sort through some of it, but considering I came in this morning on a red-eye, I think I'll start tomorrow =P

obligatory TG update.

There's so much to blog about - all the cool SF stuff I've been doing, my feelings on being here, plans for the following week - but I think I'd like to focus on TG for the time being because this weekend with him was really nice. I'm not entirely sure if us seeing each other so much is a good or bad thing and I don't really know what my feelings for him are or how he fits into my life. It seems like our generation has complicated things a little bit with our interpersonal relationships. There are so many ways you can relate to a person - friend, hook-up, fuck buddy, friends with benefits, boy/girlfriend - it's mind-boggling. When I refer to TG, I usually call him my ex-boyfriend because it makes it easier for people to understand our relationship even though we didn't call each other boyfriend and girlfriend during our 8-9 months of dating. If I call him my friend, that doesn't get the sexual part of the relationship across. Also, the fact remains that we never started off as 'friends' and while we may be friends at this point, there is much more to our relationship than that. I told you - it's complicated.

Anyhow - things with him this weekend were so pleasant. I texted him Saturday to see what he wanted to do - movies, dinner, drinks, hanging out. He said all of the above, so we decided on a movie and made plans to finalize the time later. When he got home from running his errands, he sent me a text asking when he could come over. I told him I was in my hotel attempting to get ready, so I'd need some time to get dressed and ready. He replied that there was no need for me to get dressed and he could come over right then, so I had an inkling that he wasn't really wanting to go straight to the movie. So he came over to my room - he looked really good. I've been pushing him to grow a beard for a little bit and he did and I think it looks really good on him. So we hung out at the hotel, hooked up a bit, and then I rested for a while (cuz I need at least 3 naps a day, apparently) and we went to the movies. He was super sweet about everything, letting me pick the movie, getting me the snacks I wanted and sort of catering to whatever I wanted to do. After the movie, we did dinner in the Mission and then went to meet up with his roommate and some friends. I'm always super-awkward around his roommate/friends because I have no idea what he tells them about me. I started getting sleepy and he noticed, so he told me we should head back to my hotel so I could get some rest. We hopped in a cab and he chatted with the cabbie while I napped.

We got into bed and proceeded to have probably the best sex we've ever had. I don't know what it is about us this trip, but everything is so much more ON then it ever has been. It was even better than when we first started hooking up and I always thought that was the highlight of our relationship. After that, we went to bed, woke up and had even better sex than the night before, which was amazing. Again, more napping from me and then he told me he wanted to take me to brunch in his neighborhood. We did the brunch thing - it was really good food and just what I needed after a night of drinking. Then we went back to his place, where I got into bed to take another nap (haha).

me: I really like napping.
TG: Well, you're really good at it.

It was nice. After my nap, I had plans to meet up with MB, and TG was kind enough to walk me there AND get dragged by me into the Safeway to use the bathroom and then wait with me while MB came. So today, he's coming to eat lunch at my job and then I'm going with him to his job to have lattes and hang out. Sigh. This is unhealthy, but feels really good to me right now. I'm hoping he'll come out with me and my friends on Friday night, although Freshman Year Best Friend told me I'm not allowed to be touchy-feely - haha. So we'll see.

Anyhow, this is all infinitely confusing and he says he'd like to take a trip to NYC soon, so we'll see. Life is a complicated thing.

what to do... what to do...

I've been putting off this post for a while because I feel like I always write posts like this and I don't really know if I have anything new to say. I'm starting to get annoyed - well, maybe annoyed isn't the right word, maybe tired is - yes, tired. Tired of this blog. Not that I want to stop writing it (I don't), but that I need to rethink its function. When I started blogging 6 years ago (God, has it been SIX YEARS?!), it was mostly to help my high school friends to keep up with my life at college. I wanted to document all of my experiences. I started out with a Xanga, then migrated to a LiveJournal, and finally signed up for Blogger. When I moved to San Francisco, I realized that if I was going to talk about scandalous things, I should probably make myself harder to find, and so I started this blog, Pillow Talk Is Extra, which I scrubbed of my name, screenname, alma mater, and my employer. I wanted to chronicle my ridiculous dating life at the time and write something a bit more scandalous. Now, I have no idea what I want this blog to be.

I don't want to move again - when you move, you lose readers and you're harder to find and it's a pain in the ass. Yet, I'm bored by my entries. Maybe my life is just boring - I have totally moved into this weird phase where I'm not dating, not screwing around, and barely going out. However, I like to think that I'm a bit more interesting than who I'm having sex with at any given point. I'm not depressed (anymore) so it makes no sense why I can't write something compelling.

I've thought about changing this blog and commenting on things that are going on in the world, but I really want to save that for another forum. I want this blog to remain about my life and my experiences. Maybe I just need to be a better writer. I think it would be nice to chronicle the insanity that is life in NYC (or any urban area) in your 20s. Or maybe even writing about how I plan on taking my life back and all the change that's going on inside of me. I'm really not sure. I just know I need to find my voice again because this is not up to par.

so very tired.

I am so exhausted right now that I'm wondering if I should just go home and sleep and come in later. Or if I should leave early. I can barely focus. I don't have too much to do today, but I wanted to run some errands for my California trip and I'm too tired to even attempt to do that. I wish I lived closer to the office - I could just pop back home, rest, and then pop back in. But if I leave now, I'll get home after 10:30 and then I'd want to be back before 1 pm. Hardly seems worth it with all of the travel time.

Boot camp was crazy today. I'm sore all over and it was grueling. You can tell we're in Week 4. She was pushing us harder than ever and it was excruciating. I feel like I sabotaged myself this morning by eating candy and french toast and tater tots. Boo. So not good.

I don't really have anything to say. I haven't been in any trouble because people who go to bed at 8:30 pm each night don't get into trouble. Starting Friday night, though, I should have lots of interesting stories about my reunion with TG and kickin it in the Bay Area. Yay! Cannot wait!

i moved to new york a year ago today.

This time last year, I was packing up my things to move to NYC. I took a red eye flight on June 2, 2008 and arrived the next day, nervous and excited and scared. I still can't believe I've been here for a year. It's surreal.

In some ways, I'm very happy with myself. I found a decent apartment and I'm living with a roommate that I really like (we'll just forget about the other one). I managed to get my way and stay in the NYC office and even rotated into the job I've always wanted. I now work on the HR team, doing promotions for engineers. That was exactly what I wanted to do ever since my first few months at my company. I've reconnected with my high school friends and have had some crazy, topsy-turvy dating experiences here in New York.

However, in a lot of ways, I'm really disappointed with myself. I guess I thought moving would solve my problems (it hasn't), or make me happier and more well grounded (hasn't done that either). While I don't regret the decision to move back to the East Coast, I still wish there were some things I had done differently. I mean, I've been here for a year and yet I don't have a favorite bar or a favorite restaurant. I don't have any real semblance of a routine. It's like I just amble through life, going to work and coming home and then following people aimlessly for the rest of the time. I haven't owned my experience here, haven't made New York my city. I don't know why. Maybe it's because NYC is *so* familiar to me that I don't feel the need to explore. I mean, I grew up a stone's throw from here and I've worked in Manhattan before this. I have 9 million friends from high school here. I don't have that same kick in the pants to go exploring that I did when I was in California.

I don't know how long I'll live in New York. Truth be told, these past two years have thrown all my preconceived notions of an ideal life out the window. I don't know where I want to be or what I want to be doing. I have a general idea, but it's not crystal clear yet. One thing I do know, though, is that I want to take this year and really do some exploring. I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel or become a crazy, out-and-about New Yorker. I just want to find some nooks and crannies in the city that I can call my own. I don't expect to really find happiness at this moment in my life, but I can at least find some comfort.

damn, it's june 1st already...

So I didn't make it to boot camp this morning, which made me upset. My stomach hurt and I was tired (probably from staying up too late having drinks with my roommate), so I stayed home. Unacceptable! Today I'll be back to going to bed at 9 pm - most definitely.

I'm really excited because my dad and brother are coming to my job for lunch. Finally! I had to pull the "dad doesn't love me" card with my mom to make it happen. So they'll be here in a half-hour for mac and cheese day. I'm so excited. This is my favorite day of the month! Sometimes I miss my family a lot, even though they're so close. Other times, I wish they were farther away. It's a complicated situation, as things with family often are.

Other than that my life is pretty boring. I'm just gearing up for my trip to California, which means I'm having crazy TG fantasies like *all the time.* I swear some days I can barely even concentrate. He sent me a few texts from Vegas where he is now, telling me that he's keeping the beard he's growing (that was a special request I made because I think he looks sooo much cuter with facial hair) so I can see/play with it. He also told me he was ordering my favorite meal and thinking of me (mac and cheese w/ truffle oil and steak! boy definitely knows me well). So I'm thinking all signs are pointing to GO for my visit. Yay! Getting laid! Holla! So clearly, I have much to do - shopping, eyebrows, manicure, pedicure, shaving. Flight leaves at 4:45 PM on Friday.

Wish me luck!