taking a 'personal' day.

Due to the extreme lack of productivity this weekend, I took today as a working from home day to get on top of my shit. So far, I've been doing pretty well, both in my tasks for my job and my tasks for my life. I'm also super-excited because I'm planning a Target trip in a bit to grab some things I need. I haven't been to Target in ages, so this is super exciting.

I'm really just hoping to get things on track before September. I'm looking forward to next month a lot. I want to start working out and eating right and cooking for myself again. I booked my trip to New Hampshire for the weekend before my birthday. I really just want to vegetate, forget that the internet exists, read a million books, and explore the fall foliage (well, whatever foliage there is that early in September). I think it'll be a nice little renewal trip. I'm trying to get myself out of NYC more often - to see some other parts of the country.

I'm turning 24 in a little over three weeks. This is really scary considering I have no idea what I'm doing with my life and I'm approaching my mid-20s rapidly. I also have no idea what to do for my birthday, which is always a stressful endeavor. I guess we'll see what I decide to do. I just hope it's not me and one other person in a room - haha.

Anyway, it's off to Target! 

i literally did nothing today.

I didn't get out of bed until 1 pm. Then when I did, I had a phone date with a friend for an hour, which was nice. When I finally got going, I made some pasta for myself while chatting with my roommate for 3 hours. Then she wanted to drink, so we did. Margaritas - so fucking good. After that, True Blood and Mad Men and now I'm watching Sex in '69 - a History Channel special on how 1969 changed things in the world of sex. Awesome.

I really wish I would've done something productive, but oh well - I didn't. Too effing bad. I'm thinking of taking tomorrow "off" - well, working from home. My whole team is pretty much out on vacation and I have a lot of errands to run, so I should get on top of that. Cannot believe that August is almost over. September is my favorite month, but I don't know if I'm ready for the fall yet. Don't know if I'm ready for my trip to Mountain View in October. So much to do.

weekend musings.

I'm trying my hardest to plow through everything on my list this weekend. I've been reading like crazy. In the past couple of weeks, I've read several magazines and books. I went to the bookstore yesterday and bought Angela Davis' Women, Race & Class, The Duchess by Amanda Foreman, and Sin in the Second City by Karen Abbott. I'm on this feminist/women in history/sex kick, so most of my reads focus on that. I'm also in the middle of David Sedaris' Me Talk Pretty One Day, which is cracking me up. What I really need is a library card because I'm about to bankrupt myself over trips to Barnes & Noble. It feels good, though, to read again. I used to read all the time right up until college, when I didn't really have time for pleasure reading. I'm glad I've brought it back into my life.

I've also been thinking a lot about money. I need to take a good, hard look at what I spend money on. I'm not in trouble at all, but I think it's time for me to analyze my money habits so that they don't come back to bite me in the ass later. For this reason, I'm not going to do boot camp. I just don't think spending $419 is wise right now. Instead I'll join a gym with my corporate discount and do the work on my own. I think I have it in me to make the changes I need to make, without putting myself in the poorhouse in the process.

I was reading this article in Vanity Fair this morning about the Brooke Astor trials and whether or not her son exploited her Alzheimer's in order to steal money from her. It's so strange - women are always worried about losing their looks. It's all - how many wrinkles am I going to have? Will I get fat? What about gray hair? To be honest with you, I'm more worried about losing my damn mind because it seems like that's just a little more important than whether or not I look like i'm 45 when I'm 62. So now I'm trying to do whatever I can to keep my mind sharp.

Anyway, that was a whole lot of rambling - time for me to get back to that list!

worrying.

I'm a really big worrywart. I agonize over everything and I'm certain that one day I'll give myself an ulcer with all of my craziness. My dad had surgery this morning on his foot (he has awful shin splints) and I've been wracked with worry over it. The surgery is over and everything's fine - that's not what I'm afraid of. I'm more afraid of the recovery piece. A friend of mine just told me a story a couple of days ago about how a friend of her mother's had a skydiving accident and broke her leg. Then, after being inactive for a while, she got a blood clot and died. Needless to say, I'm freaking out.

Blood clots scare the shit out of me and since I've had one, I know how dangerous and scary and unpredictable they are. I mean, I'm lucky mine went to my lung, it could've went to my brain or my heart. God only knows. So now, I'm scared that my father is going to have a blood clot and die. I mean, he's a diabetic, which means that he already has poor circulation and he'll be on crutches for 6 weeks. Did you know that blood clots are one of the leading causes of death in hospitals? That shit is scary. I've tried not to get to panicky with the fam because no one wants to think about death, but considering my mother is a very open and blunt person, I told her she should talk to the doctors about it and be aware of the risks. So I've eased my mind a little bit. We'll see.

Man, you know you're getting older when you start worrying about your parents' mortality.

time is flying by.

I can't believe that it's going to be September next week. I still remember when the summer began and I was so excited about what a great time I was going to have. The weather pretty much killed all of that for me, but I still had a pretty good time. I'm getting nervous for a multitude of reasons. First of all, there are 48 days until the culmination of all of my hard work at my job. I'm starting to freak out about whether things will run smoothly or not. These next 48 days are going to be insanity - I'm not sure I'm fully prepared for all the craziness that's going to come my way. I'll survive, though - I always do.

I'm turning 24 soon. Wow. Approaching my mid-twenties. It's scary. I don't know where I'm at and whether it's where I want to be for 24. I'd love to be a little thinner, a little prettier, more put together, more well-read, more in control of my life. It's a struggle, though. I have no idea what I want to do for my birthday and whether or not I think anyone will actually come. I get so nervous about those things - birthdays are a colossal amount of stress for me. Maybe I should just spend it quietly - it's not like I'm turning 25 or anything.

In other news, I'm trying to up my knowledge factor by listening to interesting, informative podcasts during work. I'm constantly obsessed with packing as much into my days as possible and since I spend at least 8 hours a day at my desk, I might as well be doing something other than staring blankly at my computer screen.

the problem with me is...

Well, I have many problems - you all know that, but one in particular has been nagging me. I complain all the time - haha. That's not the problem, though. I love complaining. Complaining is awesome. I've elevated it to an art form. The real problem is that I never do anything about it. I was chatting today with my cubemate about an organization at our job and how we feel like it's not serving our needs. We both aired our grievances and agreed on the basics. However, while she's inclined to e-mail the leader to make some change, I'm just inclined to do nothing. I wonder what it is about me that makes me this way when certain subjects are concerned.

I'm not always this lazy and inactive. Normally, when I'm really unhappy about my life, I take steps to change it. That was the whole issue with me moving to NYC - I was unhappy, I did what I had to do to change that. Same thing in middle school when I hated my friends. I made new ones. Normally, I'm not really into following the status quo if it doesn't suit me. There are just certain things that I never really try to change. I wonder if it's that I don't care about them as much as the other pressing issues in my life. I mean, I should care about them. They're clearly important or I wouldn't be complaining, and yet I'm content to just let them be. It's sad.

My job has sort of become one of those issues. I like it well enough, but I'm not leaping out of bed to get to work every day and I wonder why that is and what I can do to change it. My solution right now has just been to focus on applications to law school and not worrying about my day-to-day work life. Maybe that's not the right approach. I mean, I can't just move on every time I'm unhappy with something. Eventually I'm going to be in a place where I can't move on - I have a husband, or a house, or a family (God willing). I need to focus on how to make myself happy within less than pleasant situations, not just running from them or ignoring them until I can run from them.

Food for thought, I suppose.

i really like long island weekends.

I headed to my parents' house this weekend, since Slind's cousin was having a BBQ on the island that I wanted to attend. Sometimes, it's just really nice to get out of the city. It's so hot and sticky in the summer and so many people. It was relaxing to get away, drive a car for once (have to practice for my roadtrip), and hang out with people I don't get to see nearly as much as I'd like. The whole trip was pretty good - the barbecue was excellent and I got to meet some new people. I also saw Julie & Julia, which was entertaining, and then Inglourious Basterds, which was fucking amazing. I'm also glad I'm keeping up with my vow to see at least one movie a week. Just because I don't want to be an entertainment lawyer anymore doesn't mean I want to fall out of touch.

I enjoyed spending some time with the fam - they're frickin crazy so it's nice to eat a meal with them and laugh and be silly. My mother was gone most of the weekend visiting her brother, so that meant I got to dodge the uncomfortable 'who are you seeing? why aren't you seeing anyone? let me set you up' interrogation that's becoming quite popular in most of our conversations. I should really hire an escort or something just to get my mom off my back. I really hate the message it's sending - that I "should" be in a relationship. It's especially disconcerting since my mother never pulled this throughout my high school or college days. I honestly wish she'd just leave me alone. It's not like society isn't pressuring single women enough. Ugh.

I made major headway on the law school front, drafting up recommendation letter requests and researching schools. I think this week I'd like to start on my personal statements. Damn, it looks like I'm really going to apply. It's about time!

i had a lot of fun last night.

After getting upset about the whole TG thing and my lack of a social life and his whole social butterfly lifestyle, I called up Tall to go out for drinks. However, before that, some of the work girls got together to attend our company-sponsored weekly happy hour. It was really nice. I got pretty tipsy off of some wine and it was great to talk and catch up. I'm super tight with the cube since we sit together, but I miss talking to my friends who work on the upper floors.

As a result of all that drinking, I ended up being really late to meet Tall, but he was cool with it as usual. He didn't drink much, but I downed like 3 whiskey sours in 45 minutes. It was epic. I was pretty drunk and I'm sure I said all sorts of TMI, inappropriate stuff, but Tall doesn't seem to mind. I really miss having male friends in my life. It seems like ever since I moved to NYC, outside of my high school friends, it's been all about dating, sleeping with, stressing out over, and agonizing about men. I don't have too many solid, platonic relationships with guys and I miss that. Growing up with three brothers, I'm used to men. I like men. I mean, I love girl talk - hi, I was in a sorority - but I also miss the candor and open nature of my friendships with guys. So basically, now that Tall lives down the street from me, once his LSAT is over, I fully intend on making him a more regular drinking buddy.

After drinks, I came home and proceeded to make an ass out of myself, but in a good way. Scared my roomies, I'm sure, but I think they were entertained. We love each other - haha. It was a pretty good night.

I'm headed to Long Island in about 3 hours, to spend some time at home doing some LI things with the high school crew. I'm very excited about it - I like spending quiet weekends in the suburbs every so often. Plus, I figure I can continue the TG healing process and also get started on my kick ass plans for the next month, which include boot camp, lots of reading, writing, socializing, and getting more involved with tech stuff and feminist issues. Yay!

rubber band. and SNAP.

Sometimes something inside of me just snaps. It doesn't happen often, but there are just pivotal moments when I can just feel something shift inside myself and I know that I have to stop behaving in whatever ridiculous way I'm behaving. I felt that snap yesterday. I don't know what triggered it, but all of a sudden, I felt the overwhelming need to snap out of my anti-social funk and do something that isn't working or sitting in my apartment. So I texted Tall, who I haven't seen for ages, to get drinks with me today. Unfortunately, he's studying for the LSAT, so we can literally have one drink, but I guess it's better than nothing. Although I could use one of our crazy mid-week benders, I'll settle for human contact that isn't my co-workers or roommates (although I love both of those sets of people dearly and life would be dull without them).

I had a long phone date with MB last night and it made me feel better about everything - TG, my hermit lifestyle and lack of direction. One of the many things I love about her is that she's just so comfortable with the choices she's made in her life and the way things are. She lives at her own pace and she's perfectly comfortable with that. I, on the other hand, am like an impetuous child trying to stuff a square peg in a round hole. I always try to fight my nature - try to force things. It's awful. I know that I'm a late bloomer, I always have been. In nearly every aspect of my life (except academically, I suppose), I take time to really grow. It always takes me a while to find my niche socially, and the same thing happened sexually. I certainly picked up the ball quickly on both of those fronts, but it took me some time. So maybe I'll be the same with my career and my love life. It'll just take time.

In the meantime, though, there is no reason for me to be living like the Unabomber. I don't necessarily feel in the mood for extreme social butterflyism, but I can at least make an effort to see people that I don't normally see. It's only healthy to get out and about.

soul-searching like whoa.

I've been doing nothing but thinking for the past couple of days. Thinking and feeling and thinking about what I'm feeling. It's emotionally exhausting. The main things on my mind are my law school application process, men, starting a new blog, and finding a way to make some extra money while also pursuing my passions.

I had a freak-out about law school yesterday. I just realized that I had barely researched any of the schools I wanted to go to and I've mainly been focusing on where they're located, not their culture or program strengths. I have to stop doing that and really research where I want to go, what'll be best for me, what type of law school I want to go to, and what environment I want. I've read some things about schools on my list that make me want to cringe. So I'm slowly re-evaluating that. I need to get my ass in gear on this personal statement thing, as well as my recommendations. Today, I plan on spending a ton of time doing just that. I need to start getting serious about this. The good thing is, all of this is making me feel really excited. I'm looking forward to starting a new life, meeting new people, getting out of my comfort zone. I think it'll be just the shake-up I need to get me out of this funk.

Then, I think about men. I'm clearly oh so hung up on TG. It's actually amusing to me because I've never been hung up on anyone like this. It's starting to subside, the more I read about the pie girl he's crushing on (she bakes pies and delivers them - very SF). It's only a matter of time before they're together. And if not her, it would be someone else. So I'm backing up and gracefully bowing out. I mean, October is going to be a shit show, but I'll be staying in Silicon Valley and not San Francisco, so if I really want to avoid him, I can. I also wonder if I should start dating again. Well, maybe not dating, but flirting. I really have no desire to online date again or seriously look for someone, but I wouldn't mind getting dressed up and heading out for a night on the town to flirt with boys in bars. Maybe I should do that, it could be good for me. Nothing serious - just a little harmless flirtation.

I want to start a new blog. This blog hasn't really been fulfilling for me for the past few months. I mean, I want to keep it, for sure. I need a place for my personal thoughts, but I also want to start something new and interesting and non-personal. Something where I can talk about what's going on in the worlds of feminism and sex. Something exciting and interesting that could grow to be bigger. It could be a nice little project.

Then, there's this feeling I have that I want to start something - a business or a venture. I just don't know what kind of business or venture. I don't know if it would tie into the blog project or be something completely different or what. I just know that my life lacks passion right now. It really, truly does. Hell, I don't even know if I'm still passionate about all those things I used to love. I just know that I need to find a way to bring some meaning to my life and if some money can follow along with it, I wouldn't mind that either.

There are just too many thoughts going on in my head right now. It's deafeningly loud in here.

the judicial system at its finest.

I have jury duty. Kill me now. I don't even know how they found me - I have a California State license and I'm registered to vote on Long Island. Yet, somehow they found my Manhattan address and so I've been called to serve. The day has been ridiculously boring. It's already 2:15 pm and they haven't called a single person. I guess it's good because I've been ridiculously productive on the work front. Gotten more done than I probably would have in the office. Although, I miss gossiping with my cube. Maybe on Wednesday - since, apparently I have to come back tomorrow. I will get to sleep in, though. Tomorrow, we don't start until 9:30 am. Thank goodness for small mercies - haha.

The searing hole in my heart is starting to close up. I'm still in the whole 'missing TG' phase, but we've spent enough time texting today that I feel okay. I know this is something I have to get over, but I'm not willing to remove him from my life so I just have to work through my feelings and deal with them. They'll ebb and flow like they normally do - it's just that right now it's high tide. When I was sleeping with The Intellectual it was low tide. I just need another low tide phase. We'll see. I'm worried about the trip in October, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. That's really all I can do.

I'm really looking forward to the fall - I think it'll be busy and full of work, law school applications, and other distractions. Plus, it's my favorite time of year and potentially my last Autumn in New York (movie reference, anyone?). Can't wait to play in the leaves and take my trip up to NH. I'm really looking forward to the change.

my weekend with TG.

Oh, man. I'm in the midst of a complete television coma. Watching Mad Men right now, after catching up on the TiVo and watching the latest True Blood. I'm sure you don't care about that, though. So yes, TG was here in NYC for less than 24 hours, all of which were spent with me. I am incredibly happy, nostalgic, and going crazy at the same time.

He got in wayyy earlier than I expected and of course I wasn't ready. My laundry was still in the dryer, I was unwashed, unshaven, and totally disheveled. I wanted to pick him up at the station, but that clearly wasn't happening, so I gave him directions and attempted to get my shit together. Did a quick shower, ridiculously fast shave (although I've found most men will take it however they can get it, so it's never really a problem), slipped into a dress and ran out to meet him at the subway station near my apartment. It was good to see him, he looked better than I remembered and he gave me a huge hug when we got back to my apartment. We settled in bed and he held me and we talked and caught up a little bit. I wasn't really sure if we were going to hook up. I mean, he went all that way to see me and stay with me, so I assumed he was single, but you just never know. I told him I didn't want to get out of bed and he told me this joke.

A mother and her son go to pick their father up from prison. He's just been released. They get in the car and they're catching up until all of a sudden, the mother and father get into an argument. "EF!" the mother says. "No. FF," the father replies. They go back and forth arguing over EF and FF. Finally, the son says, "What are you two arguing about?" and the father replies, "Your mother wants to eat first." Haha. I laughed and told him I voted for FF. So we did. It was nice. I like being with him and he makes me feel so comfortable.

We spent the day ambling around town. Went to South Street Seaport and then grabbed some pizza, followed by cupcakes at Billy's. Then we met up with my friends for a movie and dinner. He was just the right level of affectionate. I liked that he wasn't afraid to show my friends the nature of our relationship. He wasn't shy at all, but it wasn't overly annoying or too much. After dinner, we met up with some of his friends for drinks at a bar nearby. It was okay. The two groups didn't really mix too much, but I still had a good time. We did a little bit of dancing and it was nice to meet some of his friends. I was a little peeved because his female co-worker kept buying him drinks. I didn't mind her (she had a boyfriend, who was there), but I was praying to God she didn't get him so drunk that we couldn't hook up later. A girl's got to eat! I get very few opportunities for sex, so I can't let any shot I have get squandered.

We cabbed home and got to my place and it was late, but we hooked up anyway and it was really nice. Probably the best time ever. He was tired, though, so he went to bed pretty quickly after and made me go to sleep, too. I was mad, but we were both tired and needed some sleep. He got up early this morning to shower and he left around 7:30 am. I walked him downstairs to catch a cab.

I wanted to cry when he left, I was so sad. I miss him desperately, even though he was just here for less than 24 hours. Sometimes I really miss having him in my bed. I miss going out with him and holding hands and being affectionate and having someone there for me. The thing is, I wonder if it's him I want and not all of those other things. I feel like I'm fine without the man and being by myself and doing my usual thing - working, coming home, cooking, the occasional movie and night out with friends. I just miss how well he knows me and the way he treats me. In other words, I'm all kinds of fucked up. Maybe seeing him was bad. I mean, I love the fact that he came all the way up here to spend time with me. But then I know that he meets other women and is interested in them. He told me about one. He didn't explicitly say he wanted her, but I know he does. He said he would ask her for coffee. I wanted to murder her and I don't even know her. I spent most of today mooning around. Well, mooning around and talking to him. He very actively texted and tweeted me all of today. I hate moping around like this. It's sad.

UGH.

Anyway, I have jury duty tomorrow. Fuck.

a little nervous.

I can't figure out if my stomach hurts because I'm legitimately in pain (I feel like I shouldn't have eaten that chicken that was sitting out...) or if I'm nervous about how today is going to go. I mean, I'm worried about how it'll be with TG coming to visit. He keeps mentioning these friends that may hang out with us and I'm just afraid that my pre-evening hook-up plans will get ruined. So we'll see. Then, I'm also at the end of my period (God I miss the days of a 3 day period, fucking blood clot and 6 day period!!!), so I'm not sure how much I can get down this afternoon anyway. I think I'll be fine by tonight, but I wanna be sure. Not that I really mind just making things about him, but I would kind of like to get laid this weekend. Wow, I am re-reading that paragraph and I'm the Queen of TMI. HAHA. Feel free to ignore me.

Then, I'm worried about my friends interacting with him. I wasn't worried until some new developments cropped up. I just wanted this to be stress-free and easy, not complicated. I'm really afraid that some drama is going to go down and that one of my friends will be mean. I'm just not in the mood for this shit. So I guess I have to lay down the law with my friend, which is not a personal strength. I'm excited, though, cuz Roomie is coming with us! Yay! She told me she'll just act crazy if it's awkward to get everyone's attention off of the awkwardness. Love her!

I haven't cleaned yet, although I look pretty. Hair, nails, feet, brows done. I have a little mini pimple, but it's okay. In general I look pretty good. Just need to do laundry so I have clothing and cute undies. Then tackle my bedroom and the rest of the apartment. So much to do before he gets here. I'm excited and yet also very nervous. Less than 24 hours to show him a good time!

i haven't posted in forever.

So, I haven't written in forever and so much has happened. First of all, I spent all week obsessing over TG being on the East Coast and how I was going to see him. I made sneaky plans with College BFF to go down to DC so I could see him, but I kept chickening out on actually saying anything to him. Then, he asked me if he could come to NYC and stay with me on Saturday night!!!! Ahh, so TG is coming to NYC and staying with me for less than 24 hours. I'm ecstatic. Seriously - on Cloud 9. I'm also really nervous about him meeting my friends, but I'm excited. I wish we would have more time, but we don't. I have no idea how I'm going to fit in sightseeing, meeting my friends, hanging out with his friends, and sleeping together. It's going to be rough!

I was planning on taking Friday off so I can continue my glorious three-day weekend streak. Now I'll spend most of the day pampering and primping and cleaning my house/body. Eek! I just want to scream. I'm hoping we have a good time and that it's fun. He called me again last night just to talk. It was really nice. I think I miss him more than I ever thought I would. So, wish me luck for this weekend!

day 2.

Well, today was even less productive than yesterday. I didn't leave the house at all. I did, however, bake a wonderful apple crisp that my roommates loved. Am I becoming a girl who cooks/eats her feelings? Seriously, though - this cooking frightens me. It is yummy, though.

I read a lot and watched a lot of television and had some roommate bonding time. We all watched True Blood together. The best thing about my current apartment is that we all spend our time in the common room. We don't sit in our rooms and lock ourselves away like we used to back in Stuy Town. When we're all home, we like to be out and about, chatting and blabbing away. My new place already feels like home to me. I love it.

Although I didn't do much, one thing I did do was have a lot of meaningful conversations today. I've never really been a phone person, but due to distance and moving around a lot, I have a few people in my life that I like to have phone dates with. Today, I had three long-ass phone convos, in addition to a phone call from TG. Yes, ladies and gents, TG called me on the phone. I couldn't talk to him for long though, because it was in the middle of my first phone date, but hearing his voice was nice. I miss his voice sometimes. I told him he should call more often. I like it when he does things that surprise me. I talked to my mother, too, which was pleasant. Sometimes I'm too harsh on her - I'm very rude and moody when it comes to my family sometimes and I always forget that my mother, hellion though she may be, is actually very sensitive. She wants to be loved and needed by us. She may not like strangers, but that woman would kill for her family. I was nice today and it felt good to talk to her for a long time about things. My mother always makes me laugh.

Talked to one of my sorority sisters today. She got a job and I'm so happy for her! It's so exciting to watch my younger friends go through this phase of life - leaving college and getting jobs and growing up. Sometimes I wish I could go back and do all that shit again. I envy them their youth, even if it only is two years. I've changed so much in these two years and so much has happened to me. My last phone chat was with College BFF. Love her. Love love love her. We talked about so much and it's so meaningful to me to be able to have intelligent, no-holds-barred conversation about growing up, getting older, and settling down. I miss my college friends a lot sometimes. It's almost physically painful that we are all spread out. College really is one of the best times of your life.

Anyway, it's 2:20 am and I'm rambling. I should be in bed. Goodnight!

day 1.

So today was Day 1 of fixing my life. Nothing really happened - haha. As a result of being up til the wee hours of the morning, I woke up around 12 pm. I did get out and head over to Battery Park, which I loved! Being by the water makes me so happy. Just sitting and watching it rush by, all the boats and ferries - it was beautiful. Spent a couple of hours there reading books and magazines and journaling. After that, I headed to Borders and bought some books - mostly fluff, which is new for me, in addition to some women's studies stuff. Then I grabbed lunch and now I'm home watching Dexter while I plan out my evening, which will most likely consist of laundry and cleaning. This made my father laugh and make fun of me. Ugh, nothing like your parents knowing you're a loser. Lovely.

In my newfound desire to cook, I think I'm going to make a pizza tonight. I'm also going to buy some sort of groceries to do some baking tomorrow. I think that'll be a nice way to round out the weekend. I got invited to this party tonight, but I'm not going to go. I just don't feel in the mood and it was kind of a last minute invitation (an un-vitation, if you will), so I don't really feel bound to go. I'm taking this hermit thing seriously =)

Not sure what's on the horizon for tomorrow, but I know I need to get my shit together in regards to my looks. I feel so gross lately. This whole 'transition' thing with my hair is sucky. Yet, every time I think, fuck it, I'm just going to straighten it, I see a pretty woman with natural hair and think that it's worth it. In the meantime, though, I am in desperate need of a pedicure, manicure, and an eyebrow threading. I also am thinking about doing boot camp again. There's one in Battery Park, which is super close to me and it'll start at the end of August and finish the week of my birthday. I'm thinking it'll be good for me.

I went to my first feminist task force meeting last week. The women seemed really great and friendly and there's SO much to do. I can't believe how many different forms of activism are going on. I really want to get involved. They were talking about some really interesting organizations, so tonight I think I'll do some research on that and see how I can help out. It really is about time I filled my life with meaningful work. After I do that, I think I'm going to look into taking classes at Toys in Babeland - they run some sex ed classes that I think would be right up my alley.

Baby steps, people, baby steps.

work is consuming me.

I have a lot to do at my job, that's a certified fact. I stayed there til 8:30 tonight, which sucks cuz it's Friday. Clearly, I have a lot to do, but I kind of wonder if I'm letting my job take over my life to avoid thinking about certain things I don't particularly want to think about. Tonight, I've been kind of pensive and moody. Didn't really feel like hanging with the roomies tonight. I watched a little bit of a movie with them while I ate my dinner and then retired to my bedroom while they finished it. I really like that I finally live somewhere where I feel comfortable chatting and talking with my roommates, but more importantly, I love that I can not do those things and it's cool. Love the apartment, love my roommates - they've been crazy supportive and nice about all this work stuff.

There's still the whole TG thing. I feel like I'm starting to obsess. Okay, I'm definitely starting to obsess - it's kind of nuts. I find it so amusing because when we dated, I was never like that. I never really felt the need to check his facebook and twitter all the time, but now, I do. I guess it's because I don't have him anymore. When we were in California, he was always there for me and there was this fidelity and he was very open about just being with me. Whenever we'd leave the state and come back, we'd get together the second we got back because we just had to see each other right away. He was also concerned about me being happy and healthy and comfortable. Now, we're not together and we can be with whoever we want to be with and there's no obligation. I don't know what it is about my current life that is causing me to dwell on this. I hate even writing about it because it's like rehashing the same shit over and over again, but it's where I am right now. He told me he loved my birthday card and that I write the best cards and it means so much to him. He's been using little affectionate names for me, names that we never used with each other. It's bittersweet in a way. Oh well.

Outside of my desperate and completely unsatisfying love life, I have to say this one thing - I am so confused about what I want to do with myself. I shadowed a woman in the benefits department of my company and I was fascinated by the work - it sounded so interesting and fresh and new. I had job envy for a second. Then there's law school - do I want to go? do I not want to go? Is there another degree I want to get or do I want to do something else? Do I want to move back to California? Do I miss it enough that I think it'll be good for me? I'm not really sure if NYC is the place for me, but who's to say SF is either. I do miss it, though. I know that. I'm just a little lost right now. Need to clear my head. I took off Monday and Friday of next week off to get some of that done. We'll see how I do. Change is inevitable.

balance.

I feel kind of off-kilter and I'm not sure if it's affecting my sleeping habits or if it's my sleeping habits that are influencing my lack of balance. All I know is, I find it a struggle to get up at 8 am after going to bed at midnight. Today I had to drag myself out of bed at 8:30 and it was a battle of the wills. I don't know if I'm working too much, or if I need to go to bed earlier or sleep with my blinds open. Maybe I should stop having my customary glass (or two) of wine before bed. Not really sure. I just know that I don't like it. I used to get up at 6:45 am naturally every day, even weekends. Now I can barely get up before 10 am. So not cool.

I've felt very out of sorts lately. It's not depression and it's not necessarily a negative thing - I just feel hyper-aware of my body and my emotions and my feelings. They're telling me that change is necessary, but nothing that I could change right now. I feel as though I'm supposed to decide what I want and then work really hard at making it happen in the next year or so. I feel inspired by it. I also feel kind of lonely lately - like the 'I have no friends' loneliness. Actually, it's more like - 'I have no acquaintances.' Three of my close friends are here, but I get so nervous about relying on them for emotional support or even just hanging out with them too much. I feel like I should have more outlets so they don't tire of me.

It'll be interesting to see what happens in the next few months.

observations from the FiDi.

So, I'm all moved in and settled in my new apartment, but I still haven't gotten used to the new neighborhood. It's vastly different from my old one. Hustling and bustling on the weekdays, full of bankers and well-dressed men and women in suits. The weekend is quieter, although we still get our fair share of tourists. Some random musings:

1. Why do *all* of the liquor stores in the area deliver? Honestly, are these Wall Street kids ordering bottles of Dom to their offices?  Are people really so busy that they can't drop by the corner store for a bottle of booze? In addition to that, why the hell are all of these places so expensive? Yesterday I paid $20 for a bottle of wine that I could've gotten for $12 at the Trader Joe's Wine Shop.
2. Are the men in the Financial District all on steroids? Seriously, I've never seen such a beefed-up set of men. They're everywhere. Normally I don't mind, because they're nice to look at, but those motherfuckers take up a lot of space in the elevator and it's just cramped and crowded and uncomfortable.
3. There is nothing that makes me want to starve myself more than spending time in the common space in my building. Especially since it's summertime, all these teeny-tiny FiDi chicks are running around in bikinis sunbathing and sitting by the pool. Makes me never want to eat again.
4. There are about 5.9 black people in my building. We all smile at each other because it's shocking when you see someone that looks like you.
5. I am going to gain 900 pounds due to my proximity to a Chipotle. Also, my caffeine addiction will probably return due to my proximity to about 48 Starbucks locations. Yum =)

All in all, I like it. I like it a lot. It's a definitely step up from my last apartment and has reminded me that I really need to get on top of my shit.

lying in wait.

I'm trying to figure my life out. While I wait, I'm also trying to do my best at my job and in my social life. Currently sitting on my bed with a glass of Cab Sauvignon, watching Sex in the Ancient World: Pompeii. Why am I not a sex historian? Seriously. That would be so much fun. I guess since I'm not having any sex, I might as well learn more about it =)

Today, I had a guest for lunch. An old mock trial friend who's two years younger than me, recently graduated and was in the city for a little bit. It was really nice to talk to him. We aren't crazy close or anything, but we had great conversation and it was nice to hang out with some college kids again. I've totally neglected my alma mater's representation in New York. It's kind of sad, but I don't feel particularly pulled toward rectifying that yet. My close college friends reside in SF, VA/DC, and Boston. There are a few people I really like in NYC, and I should do better with that, but I have no desire to become Ms.

Things with TG are okay. I mailed his birthday card today and told him about it. He says he's sure he'll love it. I'm kind of nervous about it, though. I feel like what I wrote may not be okay. That it may sound like I don't care about him or that I view him as a memory. I don't know. Words fail me sometimes, especially when I'm not being 100% honest. We'll see how he reacts to it. Maybe he'll be touched by it. I tell him how important he is to me. Or maybe he'll see it as a 'this is the end of an era' thing. The exhibitionist in me wants to publish it here, but I'm resisting that urge. I mean, he's a guy, he'll probably give it a quick once over and throw it somewhere - haha. I really wish I would've written more. I wish I would've written less. God help me. We talked today because he IMmed me. It was nice. I also got my first text from him in a month. I liked it. I smiled. It made me happy. He makes me happy. Well, when he's not driving me crazy.

I'm thinking about a new blog. Or a revamp of this blog based on my goal to enjoy my last year in NYC. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, time to get back to sex in ancient Pompeii. =)

weekend roundup.

I'm having a pretty enjoyable weekend. I've had the apartment to myself, which means lots of dancing around in my underwear and enjoying it. Since I'll be living with a boy, I'll have to get used to being fully clothed at all times. Three's Company, ya'll! Haha. I had a pretty lowkey Friday and then spent Saturday with Slind and Jama. Central Park with Jamz during the day and then dinner and 500 Days of Summer when Slind came into the city. It was nice. 

I really liked the movie. It was just the right level of cutesy mixed with the harsh reality of life. It made me think of my own romantic predicament and how hard relationships can be. I bought TG a birthday card since he got me one, as well as a Christmas card he sent me. I love writing cards, because it allows me to express my feelings. I wrote a cute little message and then thanked him for being there for me. I told him that I value his place in my life (I refuse to use the word 'friend') and that I'm glad we've remained close despite everything. In some senses I want to write more and then in other senses I want to write less. However, I don't think discussing my jealousy issues and unresolved feelings belongs in a birthday card. We can save that for later. Maybe I'll just ride the ebb and flow and see where it takes me.

I've gotten a lot done today and I'm happy about spending a nice weekend in NYC. Looking forward to next week and trying to get serious about the things I want to do with my life. Now that I feel a little more settled and happy about where I live and my job and the way things are going, I'm hoping my mood will improve a bit.

jealousy is an evil emotion.

Ugh, of course this post is mostly about TG. I'm trying to figure out where he fits into my life. I mean, we've known each other for almost two years and it's strange. We dated for about 8 months, then we were emotionally involved for two more months, then he dated Miss Do Gooder for 9 months, then we got back involved for another 3. Of course, now there's a new girl. They're not serious yet - it's the whole courtship phase (I think) - texting and whatnot. We talked about it a little. I don't know how I feel about us talking about this stuff. I don't mind talking about the past with him, but the fact is that I don't think we'll ever be 'friends' - I don't know if I can be friends with someone I've been so intensely intimate with - my first real adult relationship. I don't have that level of maturity.

I want him to be happy and I want him to do what he feels like he must. I mean, just because I'm swearing off dating doesn't mean I expect him to. I guess I just find comfort in our relationship and I care about him a lot and so it's hard to see this and wonder who he's with. I hate twitter. SO MUCH. And facebook. All the little things that keep us connected, that keep me involved in his life. I went apeshit after hearing about the new girl he met at the cookie shop and how he gave her his number and she texted and all that. I took him off my AIM and gChat. But he still keeps contacting me and wants to talk every day. I don't know what I want. I want to talk to him and to be with him and to think about all the wonderful times we had. But, I don't know if that's healthy. I can't decide if I should wait around, see how this girl pans out. Or if I should just give up on being friends and leave him behind. I don't know. I honestly don't know. Life is a complicated thing, as are relationships.

Maybe I should just be honest and come clean to him. But I don't want to do that because it's not like I have some grand idea of how to make it better. A relationship over 3,000 miles? Really? Is that really what I want? I don't know what I want. I think I just need to focus on me, which is what I've been trying to do, but have somehow failed since I've gotten back involved with him. I just need to figure some things out, I guess. I still don't want to date. While I do believe that it takes a new man to get over an old man, I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. That's not healthy. So yeah, the wheel of time turns and time comes and passes. I will move on.