I am finally back in New York City and I've never been happier to be back. After the end of the California nightmare, I spent a weekend in Seattle visiting with College Roommate and relaxing. I got to see S and rest myself and get away from work - it was nice.
Now that I'm back home, though, I feel like the pressure is on. I've been immediately thrust back into my old life and I'm still adjusting. It's strange to be away for such a long period of time. I'm already stressing out about Halloween plans, my Planned Parenthood training on Thursday, and making sure I get enough sleep so I don't collapse. I forgot how busy New York could be. =)
Work is still stressful, but not in the working-16-hours-a-day kind of way, more in the constantly-preoccupied-with-thoughts-of-things-I-should-be-doing way. I'm sure I'll survive, although I've been incredibly unhappy about the whole situation lately. It's always something, I suppose. One can never be 100% happy in life.
My thoughts are racing, all the time. It worries me that I don't have a concrete goal in life. At least not anymore. I've lost sight of what I want, which is unsettling. I tend to get what I want. Or at least what I think I want. I'm not worried about not achieving. The problem I have now is that I don't know what it is I want, so I don't know how to go about getting it. I'm not used to chasing shadows - this shit is new to me. Taking life as it comes isn't really my M.O. - never has been and I suspect it never will be. I like to always have something to strive for at all times. I just need to clear my head and think. I'm hoping after the hoopla of this weekend, things will be a bit more relaxed and I'll have time to think and plan my next steps.
In the meantime, catching up on some Dexter and Mad Men.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
welcome back.
I've been neglecting this blog a lot lately and not just because of work. I mean, even when I was back in NYC and writing on a daily basis, I'd lost a lot of my previous spark. I just got a Facebook message from a friend from college that I haven't spoken to in ages. She mentioned reading my blog religiously in college and finding it "entertaining and thought-provoking." Quite frankly, I haven't felt entertaining or thought-provoking in a long while and I apologize for that. I don't know what it is - if I'm at an impasse with my writing or my life, but I've been hopelessly boring and it needs to end. I'm rededicating myself to this blog and to all of my other writing. I swear I will put interesting content on this page and will stop posting simply to post. Even when I'm not living the social butterfly lifestyle, I am an intelligent girl with real thoughts that I should put on the page and I'm going to do that, damn it! Yeah! Haha.
So to start, I want to talk about my job. I've worked the hardest I've ever worked in my life over the past three weeks. I worked 125 hours over the last two weeks and I'm sure that's shortchanging myself because of all the time I spend checking e-mails and crafting correspondence in my sleep. I've never been a stranger to hard work. I've worked very hard to get to where I am today, but sometimes I wonder how long I can hold up working like this and if it's even worth it. What makes it worse is that I can't tell if the hours and stress of the position are the problem or if it's the simple fact that I just don't feel passionate about the work. I guess what I'm really asking myself is: do I want a job or do I want a career?
I had lunch today with Blondie, my former SF roommate. She told me that in her current position she isn't even allowed to work overtime and so does 8 hours every day, 5 days a week. She doesn't necessarily love the work she's doing, but she likes it well enough and even moreso she enjoys having no stress and the freedom to live her life as she sees fit when she's outside of the office. She likes having a job that pays the bills but doesn't consume her allowing her to get fulfillment outside of work.
I've always been a career gal. Not that I want my job to be my life, but I feel like I was raised to study hard and do well in school so that I could be successful, defined as having a powerful, lucrative job that would bring me prestige and a sense of pride in what I do. I've always wanted a family and a husband and a nice social circle, but all of that was always in the background while I would define myself by my career - in my case, as an attorney. Now, I'm wondering if I wouldn't be happier if I just had a job. Something decent, of course, but nothing that I would define myself by. It would just be that thing I do 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, in order to finance the things I truly care about and want to define me.
This is seriously changing my worldview here. I know that I couldn't stay in my current role forever because I'm not wildly in love with working in HR. Not only that, but I know that to work on my team would mean long hours, stressful situations, and daily annoyances. I think I can put up with those things if I was in the field/position of my dreams. But then again, how do I know that's true? Maybe I'm just realizing that I don't want to be defined by my career, but that I'd rather live the life I'd like and focus on my extracurricular interests, while simply punching in 9-5.
I know how I am, though. I'd much rather get the law degree and focus on that and then decide down the road that I want to own a surf shop in Maui. I'm just not ready to give up on the career just yet.
So to start, I want to talk about my job. I've worked the hardest I've ever worked in my life over the past three weeks. I worked 125 hours over the last two weeks and I'm sure that's shortchanging myself because of all the time I spend checking e-mails and crafting correspondence in my sleep. I've never been a stranger to hard work. I've worked very hard to get to where I am today, but sometimes I wonder how long I can hold up working like this and if it's even worth it. What makes it worse is that I can't tell if the hours and stress of the position are the problem or if it's the simple fact that I just don't feel passionate about the work. I guess what I'm really asking myself is: do I want a job or do I want a career?
I had lunch today with Blondie, my former SF roommate. She told me that in her current position she isn't even allowed to work overtime and so does 8 hours every day, 5 days a week. She doesn't necessarily love the work she's doing, but she likes it well enough and even moreso she enjoys having no stress and the freedom to live her life as she sees fit when she's outside of the office. She likes having a job that pays the bills but doesn't consume her allowing her to get fulfillment outside of work.
I've always been a career gal. Not that I want my job to be my life, but I feel like I was raised to study hard and do well in school so that I could be successful, defined as having a powerful, lucrative job that would bring me prestige and a sense of pride in what I do. I've always wanted a family and a husband and a nice social circle, but all of that was always in the background while I would define myself by my career - in my case, as an attorney. Now, I'm wondering if I wouldn't be happier if I just had a job. Something decent, of course, but nothing that I would define myself by. It would just be that thing I do 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, in order to finance the things I truly care about and want to define me.
This is seriously changing my worldview here. I know that I couldn't stay in my current role forever because I'm not wildly in love with working in HR. Not only that, but I know that to work on my team would mean long hours, stressful situations, and daily annoyances. I think I can put up with those things if I was in the field/position of my dreams. But then again, how do I know that's true? Maybe I'm just realizing that I don't want to be defined by my career, but that I'd rather live the life I'd like and focus on my extracurricular interests, while simply punching in 9-5.
I know how I am, though. I'd much rather get the law degree and focus on that and then decide down the road that I want to own a surf shop in Maui. I'm just not ready to give up on the career just yet.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
being sick is the worst.
Ugh, I hate when I don't feel well and I'm not taking care of my body. I got sent home from work yesterday because of my coughing and nose-blowing, but I had meetings today, so I had to come in. I just can't wait to be back in NYC, in my bed. I desperately need to get better this weekend because I have all these plans next week - Halloween potluck, my first sex ed training course, and then Halloween itself. I also have to pick up my costume and prep for that. Too much craziness. After this trip, I never want to leave New York again unless it's for a permanent move. Seriously.
I don't even have anything remotely interesting to say, just wanted to complain about being sick! I swear I'll be more interesting after 10/27. Watch out for that!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
the long day is over.
I'm hoping that this is true because I just cannot work like this anymore. I already have 35 hours of overtime for this pay cycle and Wednesday hasn't even finished yet. I'm starting to get sick and I barely get any sleep anymore since we don't get home til midnight and have to be back at work at 8am. I feel like I'm working in a sweatshop. God help us all. Today, though, we moved out of our war room and are instead back at the normal desks. I'm supposed to grab dinner with a few friends tonight and I'm hoping I get out in time to do it. Actually, I'm hoping I get out in time to take a nap and then meet them for dinner.
All of this craziness this past couple of weeks has really made me think about things. I wonder about what I should do next year - law school or working another year or a job transfer or a new job. Not really sure what the best solution is - I just know I need to start making some decisions before my time runs out. I wish I had time to ponder these things seriously, but no, instead I'm working so hard I can barely think. I really need to figure my shit out.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
you always make me feel so good...
TG uttered these words to me on Friday night and I can't help being re-enamored with him. I've spent most of the day replaying out evening/morning and smiling about it. I've turned into one of those silly little girls that I never wanted to be, but I don't really mind it so much. It's kind of nice sometimes, to live inside one's own delusions.
So Tech Guy decided to carve out a day for me and only me, which made me happy. He pisses me off and makes me mad so much, but at the same time, there are so many positives. I'm a very negative person sometimes and he encourages me not to be that way. There's also his drive and ambition, which I admire greatly and which I hope will only encourage me to be more goal-oriented in my own life.
It was a pretty low-key weekend. I took the shuttle to his apartment and we lay in bed, half-napping and cuddling. He put on some music, which of course led to making out. It was different this time, though. I feel like so many of our sexual experiences have just been kissing in order to start the sex process, but this time it felt like we were just kissing because we cared about each other and wanted to show it. He was gentler than normal and it felt really good to just be with him. To feel him touch my new hair and my face and my cheeks and my nose. It was somehow more intimate than anything we'd ever done before. I liked it. Of course, I wanted to escalate, because I'm me and so we did and that was good, too. Then we went to dinner and talked. We talked about where we are in our lives and the stagnation that's overcoming our generation and what we can do to fix it. He asked my advice. I think the one thing I like the most about him is that he values my opinion. He asks me to advise him on important situations and he always listens to me. He trusts me and that's important and special to me. The movie was eh, but I noticed how affectionate he is towards me when we're out. I never really thought any man could make me a fan of PDA, but he's slowly turning me. I like the feeling of knowing that he's proud to be with me when we're out and unafraid to show people that. I never feel like I'm in some closet sexual relationship, but instead he puts everything out there for all to see. I'm horrible at that, personally, but I'm trying to get better.
After the movie, we met up with some of his friends. I learned that so many of the girls that I've been threatened by are just friends and I got to meet his bestie in the city. He was a really nice guy. The bar wasn't really my pace and some of his other friends are douchebags, but bestie was nice and interested in talking to me so it was worthwhile. We left early, though, to go back home. We got in bed and did our usual thing which is when he tossed out the aforementioned quote. I told him that I like to make him happy, which I do. I try hard when we're together to be positive and not mopey. He makes me laugh - I spent about 10 minutes cracking up at a story he told me and I loved the fact that he smiles so hard when I laugh at the things he says. I like making him smile.
He walked me to go get a cab on Saturday morning and told me how truly great it was to see me and how much he enjoyed the time we spent together. I don't know where I'm going with this, but it was just nice to see him again. Nice to spend time wih him. I miss him already. Sometimes these things can be so painful.
So Tech Guy decided to carve out a day for me and only me, which made me happy. He pisses me off and makes me mad so much, but at the same time, there are so many positives. I'm a very negative person sometimes and he encourages me not to be that way. There's also his drive and ambition, which I admire greatly and which I hope will only encourage me to be more goal-oriented in my own life.
It was a pretty low-key weekend. I took the shuttle to his apartment and we lay in bed, half-napping and cuddling. He put on some music, which of course led to making out. It was different this time, though. I feel like so many of our sexual experiences have just been kissing in order to start the sex process, but this time it felt like we were just kissing because we cared about each other and wanted to show it. He was gentler than normal and it felt really good to just be with him. To feel him touch my new hair and my face and my cheeks and my nose. It was somehow more intimate than anything we'd ever done before. I liked it. Of course, I wanted to escalate, because I'm me and so we did and that was good, too. Then we went to dinner and talked. We talked about where we are in our lives and the stagnation that's overcoming our generation and what we can do to fix it. He asked my advice. I think the one thing I like the most about him is that he values my opinion. He asks me to advise him on important situations and he always listens to me. He trusts me and that's important and special to me. The movie was eh, but I noticed how affectionate he is towards me when we're out. I never really thought any man could make me a fan of PDA, but he's slowly turning me. I like the feeling of knowing that he's proud to be with me when we're out and unafraid to show people that. I never feel like I'm in some closet sexual relationship, but instead he puts everything out there for all to see. I'm horrible at that, personally, but I'm trying to get better.
After the movie, we met up with some of his friends. I learned that so many of the girls that I've been threatened by are just friends and I got to meet his bestie in the city. He was a really nice guy. The bar wasn't really my pace and some of his other friends are douchebags, but bestie was nice and interested in talking to me so it was worthwhile. We left early, though, to go back home. We got in bed and did our usual thing which is when he tossed out the aforementioned quote. I told him that I like to make him happy, which I do. I try hard when we're together to be positive and not mopey. He makes me laugh - I spent about 10 minutes cracking up at a story he told me and I loved the fact that he smiles so hard when I laugh at the things he says. I like making him smile.
He walked me to go get a cab on Saturday morning and told me how truly great it was to see me and how much he enjoyed the time we spent together. I don't know where I'm going with this, but it was just nice to see him again. Nice to spend time wih him. I miss him already. Sometimes these things can be so painful.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
this trip won't kill me but it may make me stronger.
I've had so many realizations during this trip to California, and I'm only a week and a half in. First of all - I'm dying to go back home. This trip has reaffirmed my love for New York in ways I never thought were possible. I'm not sure what it is - maybe it's the fact that I'm regularly working over 14 hours each day. Maybe it's because TG has been hot and cold and crazy lately. Maybe it's the fact that I'm stuck in the suburbs and not in SF. The point is - I miss New York. A lot. With all of its imperfections, I still miss being there. I miss my friends - hell, I even miss all the stupid things they do to piss me off. I think I'm also having a hard time being cut off from people. This time zone thing is no joke! I can't call my parents and I barely speak to my friends as a result of my crazy work life combined with the 3 hour time difference. It's hard. I miss the fast pace of the city, the fact that people there don't drive at 20 mph, and knowing that there's always something to do.
I think I'm closing my California chapter right now. I'm moving on. I'm ready to cut ties with TG - not necessarily anything permanent or dramatic, just not being so dependent on him for certain things. I'm *gasp* ready to start dating again. I think going to the wedding and meeting new people and seeing how amazing love can make your life has really had a profound effect on me. The cloud is lifting and I'm ready to start living my life again. I have a ton of things that I want to focus on when I get back.
First of all - I need to figure out what will make me the happiest in the future. Right now, my job is making me want to shoot my eyes out and I can't figure out if it's the 80 hour weeks or just the fact that I'm not passionate about what I'm doing 15 hours each day. I need to figure that shit out and quickly. I also need to get my body back into shape. I miss physical activity and eating right and feeling like I'm giving my body what it needs. Instead I'm just giving it junk.
I signed up for the activist council training at Planned Parenthood and I am psyched! I've been dying to learn more about sex education and issues of sexuality and I think this is a fantastic way to get involved. The class meets every Thursday night for a month and I really think I'm going to learn a ton. Then there's the whole Girls in Tech thing that I need to stay on top of. I also want to start going out more in NYC - hanging out with my current friends, turning acquaintances into better friends, and meeting new people to explore the city with.
I'm incredibly tired, beat, and run down right now by work, but I'm really happy about the prospect of switching it up when I get back to Manhattan. I'm ready to start the next chapter in my life.
I think I'm closing my California chapter right now. I'm moving on. I'm ready to cut ties with TG - not necessarily anything permanent or dramatic, just not being so dependent on him for certain things. I'm *gasp* ready to start dating again. I think going to the wedding and meeting new people and seeing how amazing love can make your life has really had a profound effect on me. The cloud is lifting and I'm ready to start living my life again. I have a ton of things that I want to focus on when I get back.
First of all - I need to figure out what will make me the happiest in the future. Right now, my job is making me want to shoot my eyes out and I can't figure out if it's the 80 hour weeks or just the fact that I'm not passionate about what I'm doing 15 hours each day. I need to figure that shit out and quickly. I also need to get my body back into shape. I miss physical activity and eating right and feeling like I'm giving my body what it needs. Instead I'm just giving it junk.
I signed up for the activist council training at Planned Parenthood and I am psyched! I've been dying to learn more about sex education and issues of sexuality and I think this is a fantastic way to get involved. The class meets every Thursday night for a month and I really think I'm going to learn a ton. Then there's the whole Girls in Tech thing that I need to stay on top of. I also want to start going out more in NYC - hanging out with my current friends, turning acquaintances into better friends, and meeting new people to explore the city with.
I'm incredibly tired, beat, and run down right now by work, but I'm really happy about the prospect of switching it up when I get back to Manhattan. I'm ready to start the next chapter in my life.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
wow, it's been a while!
So I haven't written in forever because my job is taking over my life. I worked 25 hours of overtime last week and we did an 8+ hour day today (yes, on Sunday - fucking shoot me). I was so unhappy the last two hours, I thought I'd walk off the job. I don't know if it's just that I don't want to do the job I'm doing or if I'm just cranky and overworked. It's hard to say.
ANYWAY. Updates! TG has been so hot and cold lately, it's sick. He didn't even try to hang out with me last weekend and then the week rolls around and I get this IM from him about a picture of me online and how sexy I looked in it and how much it turned him on. Then he was offering to come out to the South Bay to spend time with me. It all sounds good to me, but of course my job is preventing me from doing any of it. Plus now he's kind of ignoring me - he's probably mad that I couldn't hang out on Saturday. He did text me while I was at the wedding, though. I was so conflicted about it.
The wedding. Oh, God - the wedding. It was beautiful, amazingly beautiful. Held in Half Moon Bay, CA at the Ritz - the food was perfect, the view was perfect, everything was fabulous. The thing I loved the most was how spectacularly happy the couple looked. You could tell that the two of them were truly in love and that it was simply perfect. They were beautiful together and everyone could feel how special of an occasion this was. I teared up several times during the ceremony.
I also spent a large portion of the night talking to a boy (gasp!). I didn't really think he was interested in me, but roomie seems to think so. We spent a lot of time talking - turns out that we have the same alma mater, graduated the same year, and never met. He was super sweet and kind of my type - you know, dorky, Jewish, sweet. Love it. I did get a hug at the end of the night and I have to Facebook him for sure, but I'm waiting til tomorrow. He's in law school in New Haven, which is hot, and I just had such a sweet time talking to him and dancing. It was really nice. I also felt incredibly comfortable just spending time alone with him. It was the first time in forever that I've been excited about a new guy. Even if nothing comes of it, it's just nice to know that I spent the evening getting to know someone that seemed really worthwhile as a person. Maybe he was just being friendly, but either way, it kind of made me feel like I was almost ready to open myself up again. To think about the possibility of love in my life. I think it's a great first step.
ANYWAY. Updates! TG has been so hot and cold lately, it's sick. He didn't even try to hang out with me last weekend and then the week rolls around and I get this IM from him about a picture of me online and how sexy I looked in it and how much it turned him on. Then he was offering to come out to the South Bay to spend time with me. It all sounds good to me, but of course my job is preventing me from doing any of it. Plus now he's kind of ignoring me - he's probably mad that I couldn't hang out on Saturday. He did text me while I was at the wedding, though. I was so conflicted about it.
The wedding. Oh, God - the wedding. It was beautiful, amazingly beautiful. Held in Half Moon Bay, CA at the Ritz - the food was perfect, the view was perfect, everything was fabulous. The thing I loved the most was how spectacularly happy the couple looked. You could tell that the two of them were truly in love and that it was simply perfect. They were beautiful together and everyone could feel how special of an occasion this was. I teared up several times during the ceremony.
I also spent a large portion of the night talking to a boy (gasp!). I didn't really think he was interested in me, but roomie seems to think so. We spent a lot of time talking - turns out that we have the same alma mater, graduated the same year, and never met. He was super sweet and kind of my type - you know, dorky, Jewish, sweet. Love it. I did get a hug at the end of the night and I have to Facebook him for sure, but I'm waiting til tomorrow. He's in law school in New Haven, which is hot, and I just had such a sweet time talking to him and dancing. It was really nice. I also felt incredibly comfortable just spending time alone with him. It was the first time in forever that I've been excited about a new guy. Even if nothing comes of it, it's just nice to know that I spent the evening getting to know someone that seemed really worthwhile as a person. Maybe he was just being friendly, but either way, it kind of made me feel like I was almost ready to open myself up again. To think about the possibility of love in my life. I think it's a great first step.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
fear and loathing in san francisco.
Well, currently I'm not in SF, but in Silicon Valley, in my company's corporate apartments. It's really fucking creepy here. Being in the suburbs, in a foreign place, with no roommate. All alone. I don't like it one bit - I feel highly vulnerable. The digs are pretty sweet, though.
My weekend in SF was nice, but way too short and clouded by my fear of my job and my loathing of a certain boy that seems to always fuck my life up.
I spent Friday night with MB - we did dinner and then talked for ages, like we normally do. I miss her so much - it's nice to have our conversations about life and the future and our viewpoints on topics large and small. Saturday we went shopping so I could get some last minute things for the wedding I'm going to this weekend. Then Cheesecake Factory and The View at the top of the Marriott hotel with MB and Freshman Year Best Friend. Really nice night - reminds me of why I miss this city.
I'm terrified about my job. Work is going to be so rough this week and I'm already light years behind. It's really scary how much I'm in charge of and how crazy this whole process is. Then, there's TG, who made absolutely no time for me this weekend, instead going to LoveFest and some fucking bluegrass concert. What a colossal dick. He tells me 'we'll make it work' and that I shouldn't be so negative about us missing each other this weekend. Maybe I'm negative because you don't give a shit about me. Have you thought about that? Fucking tool. HATE MEN.
Anyway, I should get back to work. And Mad Men. Yay!
My weekend in SF was nice, but way too short and clouded by my fear of my job and my loathing of a certain boy that seems to always fuck my life up.
I spent Friday night with MB - we did dinner and then talked for ages, like we normally do. I miss her so much - it's nice to have our conversations about life and the future and our viewpoints on topics large and small. Saturday we went shopping so I could get some last minute things for the wedding I'm going to this weekend. Then Cheesecake Factory and The View at the top of the Marriott hotel with MB and Freshman Year Best Friend. Really nice night - reminds me of why I miss this city.
I'm terrified about my job. Work is going to be so rough this week and I'm already light years behind. It's really scary how much I'm in charge of and how crazy this whole process is. Then, there's TG, who made absolutely no time for me this weekend, instead going to LoveFest and some fucking bluegrass concert. What a colossal dick. He tells me 'we'll make it work' and that I shouldn't be so negative about us missing each other this weekend. Maybe I'm negative because you don't give a shit about me. Have you thought about that? Fucking tool. HATE MEN.
Anyway, I should get back to work. And Mad Men. Yay!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
i need to start writing in this again.
I don't know why I've been neglecting this thing lately. Maybe I feel uninspired, maybe it's because work is riding me, or maybe I don't have anything interesting to say anymore. I hope it's not the latter. I still think my life will get interesting again and I'll find my voice, but for right now I'm a little stagnant, so excuse me for that.
Tomorrow I leave for California. I'm spending about three weeks there and then heading to Seattle for my last weekend. I'm excited and nervous and stressed, of course. My job is incredibly high-stakes and high-stress at this time of year and I really hope I'm up to the challenge. Not only that, but TG is seriously pissing me off lately. I think it's the normal back-and-forth with him, though. I just wish I was ready to date again, to open myself up like that. It would make dealing with him far less painful than it is. I'm not really sure what to do about it. Quite frankly, I'll probably be so busy in CA that I won't have time for his bullshit. I also get nervous because CA is such a mindfuck for me. It's good to be there, but it's emotionally exhausting to see everyone and remember the life I used to have, a life I miss sometimes. I struggle with that with every trip.
Wish me luck! Hopefully I don't crack.
Tomorrow I leave for California. I'm spending about three weeks there and then heading to Seattle for my last weekend. I'm excited and nervous and stressed, of course. My job is incredibly high-stakes and high-stress at this time of year and I really hope I'm up to the challenge. Not only that, but TG is seriously pissing me off lately. I think it's the normal back-and-forth with him, though. I just wish I was ready to date again, to open myself up like that. It would make dealing with him far less painful than it is. I'm not really sure what to do about it. Quite frankly, I'll probably be so busy in CA that I won't have time for his bullshit. I also get nervous because CA is such a mindfuck for me. It's good to be there, but it's emotionally exhausting to see everyone and remember the life I used to have, a life I miss sometimes. I struggle with that with every trip.
Wish me luck! Hopefully I don't crack.
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