i really need to start dating again.

Honestly, folks. I think it's time. This has been the longest stretch of my life that I haven't been actively engaged in some sort of flirtation with the opposite sex. Even back in middle and high school, I was always forming crushes, flirting, daydreaming about boys. I never really had much luck with boys in those years, but they were always there. There were boys you liked and boys who liked you and then there were also so many distractions - your friends, schoolwork, drama and gossip. I just feel so unsatisfied with my love life lately that I've totally put it on the back burner, which isn't healthy or helpful at all.

I always thought it would get easier as I got older, but it really hasn't. There were certainly more men in my life, beginning my senior year of college, but things never really went anywhere and everything was always pretty screwed up. I remember back in the day, as a 20 year old virgin, all I really wanted was to have sex, to have someone desire me in a tangible, physical way. Well, I've had sex - numerous times with numerous men - and I still feel empty. I've made so many mistakes - prizing sexual attraction over anything else. I've always wanted to be desired more than loved. I mean, I'm a very confident person when it comes to my personality. I think I'm awesome - I'm free-spirited, up for anything, sarcastically witty, intelligent, and I know how to have a good time. When it comes to the other stuff - being pretty or attractive or sexy - that's where I get hung up. I have far less confidence in my body and my looks, so I tend to spring after men who validate those parts of me and not the other things I bring to the table. It's unhealthy and I'm slowly starting to realize that.

I look at my relationship with TG and I made so many mistakes. I like to drive people away when they get too close or when they don't fit the mold of what I think I want. I can be dismissive and cruel sometimes and I watch myself do it and it's awful. Sometimes it's so painful to be friends with someone you still care very deeply about, but at the same time you don't want to let go of the friendship. I'm always so conflicted about this. Knowing that one day he's going to move on (possibly one day soon) and date someone seriously and I'm going to have to rework how I interact with him and how we treat each other. I'm shooting myself in the foot by not dating anyone at all. I'm torn, though, because I don't want to date someone just so I can be coupled up before someone else is. I want to date because I'm ready to date. It's not a contest; I shouldn't be comparing my life to his or anyone else's. But, I'm human, so of course I do.

Lately, I just want someone to value me as a person. To treat me with the kind of respect that I deserve, to love and adore me. It's hard for me to admit that. To admit that I need that. I don't know why, but I view it as a weakness. I mean, I definitely want the sexual attraction, too. I couldn't deal with not having that. But, now, I want to focus more on someone who finds me captivating than focusing on someone who just wants to get me naked. I think part of the reason I've taken so long to jump back into the dating game (it's been since April, people) is that I want to do it differently. I know I have to do it differently and I'm trying to figure out how. I'm starting to feel old and I'm starting to hear that clock ticking. It's a scary feeling. I just know that I need to at least start paying some kind of attention to men or I'm going to end up apathetic and alone.

it's the most wonderful time of the year...

It's almost December, which excites me a ton because Christmas is my favorite thing on Earth. The actual day is okay, but I love the holiday season. To me, Christmas begins the day after Thanksgiving and extends until December 25th. I do dorky things like watch those animated Christmas specials on ABC Fam and also watch my own favorite holiday movies (i.e. Love Actually and The Nightmare Before Christmas). I decorate - ask my roommate about our 7' Christmas tree that I tried to erect in our small NYC apartment. I drink holiday drinks (creme de menthe + cream + vodka, anyone?) and I play holiday tunes, of course. It's truly magical. Viva Christmastime! On the way home I noticed a Christmas tree in the FiDi that I will probably visit 87453 times before 12/25. I'm a huge sap for Christmas.

This week I have some tech meetings, PPNYC stuff, and a few social outings. I've decided that no matter how boring things have gotten in some areas of my life, I have to keep on keepin' on, even if that means going out alone or testing the boundaries of my comfort zone. It's the only way to get what you want.

Lastly, I have a new blog project up ahead. It will most likely replace this one, as I've been feeling pretty stagnant here lately, but don't quote me on that. It will combine my love of shamelessness, storytelling, and alcohol. Now if only I can get the spammy bitch who has the twitter account to give it up, I'll be all set. And I mean that in the kindest way possible =) More news on that later...

Anyhow, it's holiday time! Time to get excited and inspired!

the best laid plans...

I was supposed to be so productive this break. And here I am, a week later and I've done nothing, absolutely nothing. Maybe there's value in that, as well. I've been home at my parents' house for a while and there really isn't all that much I can do here, so I sleep and indulge my obsession with Criminal Minds, a show on A&E. I'm seriously in love with this show. I've watched about 20 episodes over the past 3 days. It's seriously insane. Anyway.

One thing I have decided over this break is that I must, must, must apply to law school. I've been hemming and hawing about all of this for a while, but it's time for some action. That way, I at least have my options open. We got an e-mail listing all of the promoted folks in HR at my company, and scanning through some of the names just made me want to shriek. I regularly work my ass off, doing a number of difficult and stressful tasks, and I never complain (well, not to them) and it's just not rewarded. Meanwhile, plenty of people with stress-free jobs are getting pay increases and title changes. One thing is clear - I'm never going to get anywhere in this department. It's time to see the writing on the wall.

I think my problem as of late is a complete and total lack of any sort of momentum. I feel completely stagnant - in thought, word and deed. I'm a highly introspective person, but it's rare for me to let things get this bad. I've been unhappy for a while and I haven't done anything about it but get mad and frustrated. Sometimes I fear my own anger. I worry that I'll hurt myself or someone else or just completely fly off the handle. I'm not used to this lack of control over my own emotions. At least not outwardly. Inside I can be struggling for calm, but I never show fear or anger or outrage on my sleeve. Unfortunately, my foundation is starting to crack and I'm nervous. I just have to stop living for other people. Right now, I feel like I'm living in fear of what my parents will think about my choices. I need to stop caring about that because, honestly, my parents won't have to live with my mistakes. I will. I just fear that one day I'll wake up and remember how I was going to be a lawyer and how now I'm stuck in some middle-management job hating my life and resenting myself for not doing what I said I was going to do.

However, all of this is going to take some compromise. Something is going to have to give - I'll either have to go part time, find some way to make income while I'm in school, or go somewhere lower tiered that will give me money. Right now, option 3 sounds the best. I want to be able to have the full law school experience; I'm not willing to compromise on that, even if it means waiting another year to actually go. So now it's time to get off my butt and start putting in my applications. I have a personal statement to write and one more professor to harass about recommendation letters and then I'm done. It's time to stop sitting still and start moving.

vacation!

I'm taking this next week off of work and I'm super stoked. I should've had 9 days off, but you know how my job is and it'll just be 7 days since I worked most of this weekend. I really can't wait to recharge. I'll be home for most of the time, so that means I can really buckle down and focus on all the exciting new projects I'm interested in.

This weekend has been a shitshow - I haven't really done anything but cook, cook, cook and watch tons of television and drink wine. I did a little bit of shopping, but I just wasn't in the mood to go all out. Which means that I'm going to have to deal with my mother looking at me like I fell off the bumpkin truck all weekend. Oh, well.

I hope I don't kill anyone this week. Sometimes family makes you homicidal, especially with all 6 of us in the house.

Anyway, it's back to work for me! More interesting posts to come later this week. =)

oh the times, they are a changin'

I'm ridiculously bored, frustrated, and frazzled. Luckily, that just makes me want to work harder to make things better. I've been talking to TG a lot about motivation and potential and life. When I put aside my feelings for him (sexual and emotional), I really do like the way he's turned his life around. I feel that way about a lot of my SF friends. When I go back to California and see all the change that they've gone though, it makes me slightly jealous but also inspired.

The whole job thing is baffling to me. I go back and forth all the time about how long I really think I can do this position. The sad thing is that I really love my company, I'm passionate about what they do and I believe in them. However, my current job has become a little too demanding considering that I don't get much out of it. The sad thing is, I think I could transfer jobs at around the same time I would be going off to school (if I took that route). However, I don't think there are any openings in New York and it would require a move. I don't want to move. It seems silly and counterproductive to me at this time. I really want to stay in New York and tough it out and get through these hurdles. The only thing that would appeal to me out west would be school on a full-time basis. If not that, then I plan on staying firmly in this city for the next couple of years.

I've also been really frustrated socially. I love my friends to death - they are my heart and soul, but it's so difficult to get together. I miss all the ones out on LI and then it seems like getting the city crew together is increasingly difficult. Not only that, I miss going out. Nobody goes out anymore. Even when I make plans to go party, something always screws them up. Like tonight - I don't think tonight is happening and I'm pissed. People wonder why I'm always leaving NYC on the weekends - part of it is that nothing is ever going on here! I'm just frustrated. So I'm hoping that by throwing myself into Planned Parenthood and tech events I will get out and do fun shit. Sometimes I feel like the only person who's interested in partying like I did in college. Well, maybe with slightly less drinking. I don't want to go overboard, I just miss dancing and having a good time - checking out the bar scene. I never get out and that was fine when the whole celibacy plan was in effect, but come January, I'm not trying to be a wallflower for the rest of my life. We'll see how it goes.

I'm really excited for my week off. I want to be super productive and lazy at the same time. Going to Long Island should help with that! Anyways, back to television and reading. =)

all alone.

I'm all alone in my apartment this weekend. Normally I would be excited, but instead I'm just creeped out and lonely. I spent most of tonight working, but I couldn't finish so I stopped and I'll probably put in another 5 hours tomorrow. I really need to figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life because the current plan just isn't hacking it. Stupid economy. I hate being a slave to something I cannot control. It's one thing when you're not good enough or talented or motivated enough to do something, but when it's the outside circumstances that are keeping you from it, it's just frustrating.

I worry about my parents and their monetary situation and how that affects me and the choices I make and the future of my family. I wonder if I'll ever really have enough - enough time, enough money, enough happiness. I'm wondering what I think it'll take for me to be happy. I've never had a problem with hard work, but I just don't think I can do what I'm doing right now. I'm wondering if I'm just burnt out or if I've become a lazy bum or if I'm just not challenged by what I do. I need guidance, but I'm not really sure how to get it.

Anyway, I'm rambling because it's late and I'm awake and I'm ending a night spent in anger. So let me just call it a night. =)

adventures in planned parenthood training.

I am ridiculously excited about completing my training for the Activist Council. Last night was our last class and it was both informative and infuriating in its own special way. First of all, their website for the Council looks amazing. I hate when I join an organization and find out that it's crazy low-tech and most of the members cannot figure out how to communicate via teh interwebs. I think working for a tech firm is really starting to rub off on me because I cannot deal with sub-par technology and communication. So score 1 for PP.

We heard from the various different segment of the council: Political Action, Fundraising, Field Team, Escorting, and Sex Education. I'm not interested in escorting or political work - while I think they're both incredibly important and interesting aspects of the work PP does, I'm just not really political and I think I wouldn't deal well with protestors if I was helping to escort.

Initially I didn't think Fundraising was going to be my forte either. I pictured it being a bunch of phone banks and begging people for money. However, when the representative of that group stood up to talk, she said they were basically just party planners. I've wanted to be a party planner for a while and I love organizing and planning and doing task-oriented work. So I think I want to at least check that group out and see if it's for me. Sex Education has always been my passion so that was a shoo-in, in spite of an interesting conversation posed by one of the trainees during that presentation. Note to all: please do not tell a roomful of women about your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner's anatomy especially when it has nothing to do with the topic at hand. We really do not need to hear it. Moving on. The Field team also looked interesting - they go to various clubs, bars, and events and hand out info about the organization, in addition to condoms, lube, etc. So I think I'll take a look at those three segments, see which ones call to me and go from there!

So, the infuriating part. During the sex ed presentation, someone asked a question about whether or not PP tailors their message based on different socioeconomic groups. Good question, but she should have stopped there. She then went on to say, "In certain African-American communities, having as many children as you can is a sign of status even if you can't afford them." That pretty much got a collective quizzical look, some gasps, and the girl next to me called out "what the fuck?" Sigh.

This is the problem I have with so-called "enlightened" white people. Don't talk about shit you don't know anything about. First of all, whatever she was talking about is not a phenomenon I've ever heard of, and I polled my brothers and sisters out there and they've never heard of it either. Maybe we need to start some sex education in that girl's neighborhood. I just take issue with her comment because I don't think anyone should speak on something they clearly know nothing about. I have a lot of friends of different backgrounds and ethnicities and while I think I have a better understand than most about various cultures, I would never in a room full of people presume that I have the right to speak on their behalf. I have no idea where this woman is getting her knowledge, but I would be willing to bet that it's not from actual black people. Hearing her spread bullshit theories out of her ass was maddening. Sometimes you just need to shut up. Ugh.

ANYWAY. Luckily, no one rioted over it. Although every colored person in the room gave each other knowing looks and I started cracking up with the girl next to me at the absurdity of her statement. Hopefully, that woman will learn and grow and not make a silly comment like that again. It really illustrated all of the things I worry about when it comes to feminism. The feminist movement in the past was very polarizing when it came to race. Many colored women felt pushed to the margins because their experiences weren't represented. I think we're starting to move past that and acknowledge the various experiences of women, but comments like that just set us back. I'm very curious to see what it'll be like to be a black woman in this movement.

Will keep you posted.

whirlwind!

This past few days have been crazy. I spent the weekend in DC with my sorority sisters for an impromptu reunion. Wow, I've really missed those girls. We have so much fun together and I have so much respect, admiration, and love for all of them. It makes me happy to know that my college experience yielded some amazing friendships with amazing women. Plus, College BFF made mulled wine and her usual Saturday brunch which makes me want to start cooking for real. Maybe one day I can be a model of domesticity. HA - who am I kidding? Maybe one day I can just not be a colossal ball of mess. Baby steps.

Work has been kicking my ass. Three days til vacation and I have some major deliverables. Guess who won't be sleeping at all this week? I had my performance review today with my manager. Nothing I was too shocked about - doing excellent work, valued member of the team, I need to work on my shyness and being more visible. All things I know. I'm okay with it. I wish they'd promote me, but it's definitely not going to happen for a while. And so I wait or bide my time until law school or another opportunity comes up. More on that stuff tomorrow.

Right now, I'm doing some major Tivo catch-up and doing work for my preso tomorrow. Wish me luck!

i <3 planned parenthood!

Totally realized that I haven't written anything about my Planned Parenthood training, so I should probably do that. I'm really enjoying it so far. It feels good to do something for the greater good and not continuing with my selfish and self-involved routine. Well, I'm still selfish and self-involved, but I am taking a few hours out of my week to learn more about supporting Planned Parenthood's mission and giving back to the feminist cause. The women there are wonderful and I really feel like we're learning a lot.

I have an extremely hard time with conflict, so last week's "Difficult Topics" session was both terrifying and incredibly useful for me. I just can't seem to articulate my feelings on abortion and comprehensive sex ed in a meaningful, convincing way. While I know that most people who heckle feminists and Planned Parenthood volunteers won't listen to any sort of reason, it's still nice to be able to articulate your values. They taught us a bunch of techniques to answer the rudest questions posed to us. They started out by asking us what would be true in our perfect world in regards to sex, sexuality, and abortion rights, which really challenged me to think about the reasons why I'm so passionate about these types of issues.

Personally, I've always had a very conflicted view about abortion. I fiercely believe that every woman has the right to make that choice and get an abortion if that's in her best interest. However, I don't think I could ever have one. Yet, I don't think my own hang-ups about the procedure should stop someone else from doing it if that's the decision they choose to make. One of the things that struck me about Planned Parenthood is that they understand that not every abortion rights activist or even every feminist has the same view of abortion. The facilitator told us that most likely every woman in the room had a completely different view of abortion. We may all get to the same endpoint - that it should be legal - but how we get there might be different. I appreciated the respect for all of our different viewpoints.

I could write more, but I'm strapped at work and I just wanted to put it out there that I'm enjoying the Activist Council training and I'm looking forward to really getting started working with the organization. Yay! =)

well at least i'm not the only one who's confused.

Thankfully, the increasing sense of frustration at my current job and lack of direction is something that's shared by many of my peers. I had drinks with Tall last night and we both were talking about how unsure we are of our next steps and how our motivation is zapped in our current positions. Today, I sat in a meeting and there was a lot of talk of retention risks. I felt like I couldn't even open my mouth because I was probably the biggest retention risk in the room. I love my company to death, but sometimes it feels like my job is sucking my soul out. I'm not really 100% sure how to rectify this. I don't think there's another role on my team that would make me happier. I don't even know if there's another role in HR that would do it. Yet, I'm not ready to just leave. I keep thinking maybe travel would do it - trying to see if they'd let me go somewhere for a short term assignment. Like Australia or London.

I keep having this nagging thought - maybe I don't want to be a lawyer. Do you know how scary that is? I've wanted to be a lawyer for so long that I just don't know if I have any other options at this point. I certainly don't want to be an HR professional. Also, the degree will open up doors for me. It just worries me because I don't think I've stumbled upon it yet. That one thing I was born to do. There are so many things that I'm interested in and that I could spend my life doing, but I have yet to find a way to tie all those seemingly disconnected ideas together. I love sexuality, feminism, American History, technology, media, theatre, writing, entertainment. Blah! How to unite them all. (Is it sad that the first thing I thought while typing that sentence was - ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL? Can we add extreme dorkiness to the list?) Anyway, bottom line, I need to figure out my life. This is becoming increasingly frustrating.

I wonder if our generation was ruined by all this "You can do whatever you want." Sometimes I wish my life had a plan. Then again, I know this is the lazy side of me talking and that the fighting, driven, motivated side (hopefully the bigger side) is happy that she has choices and options and a sense of entitlement. I just need to use that to find my way. I'm only 24 years old - I've barely even started my working life. I have plenty of time.

how long does it take to get over someone?

I'm not all that experienced with relationships. I'm not good at them at all and they are incredibly hard for me. I've slept with and hooked up with a decent amount of boys, but my only "relationships" were a short-lived middle school boyfriend, a very short-term high school thing, and then TG in California. With TG, I go through so many cycles and I'm wondering if it's normal. I've gotten over him and then fallen right back into like with him 6 months later. It's this crazy roller coaster and I'm not entirely sure what to do about it.

I basically told myself that my last trip to SF was it. That I would be cutting ties with him since I wouldn't be back until April 2010. However, that doesn't seem to be happening. We talk pretty frequently - he's always pinging me and sending me links and videos. Then I texted him the other night while drinking and we got into this whole long dirty text message saga. Last night, I was bored and so he kept me company even though he was trying to code for his new project. Sometimes he can say the sweetest things to me and it just makes me smile. I like how he always makes me laugh and how he tries to get me to be less angry and moody. He wants to come to NYC in January, after New Years, for a week. He'd probably stay with me, assuming we're both still single and into each other.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with this kid. There's history and attachment and all that, but why? Do I really like him? Does he really like me? Or are we just two lonely people finding comfort in one another? I suppose one could ask that question about any relationship. I just never know with him because we've gone through so much shit together. It took me a long time to really have feelings for him and then when I did, he was afraid of me. And yet, when I look at all of his actions and the way he treats me when we're together, I have to believe he feels something. I'm just not sure what it is that he feels. Being 3,000 miles away doesn't make me want to ask.

Maybe I should just get over it.

empire state of mind.

I really cannot stop listening to this song. I've been looping it all weekend and watching the video, falling in love with New York all over again. I have such a strange relationship with this city - it's hard to put into words. When I was a little girl, New York City was the most amazing place on Earth. Growing up on Long Island, I loved those weekends where we'd take the Long Island Railroad in and go see a play or the Rockettes for Christmas. It was magical. That's pretty much the only way to describe how I felt about the city - pure magic. I imagined that NYC was what every city looked like, with just slightly different climates. Once I got older and traveled more, I learned that this was not the case. There is no other city I've been to that is like NYC. I'm not saying New York is perfect, but it's certainly unique.

I come from a very New York family. Father born and bred in NYC, mother born and bred on Long Island. Pretty much everything about me is very New York. I am one of those annoying New Yorkers that will always call NYC "the city" and will fight anyone who talks trash about the place I call home. I'm sarcastic, cynical, will pay $14 for a well-made cocktail and believe that people should get dressed up when they're going out. It was always clear to me that while I adored certain aspects of SF and think I may one day want to live there again, I will never be a SF-type personality. There will always be things about me that will be distinctly 'New York.' Sometimes you have to accept the things about you that are never going to change.

Lately, I've been thinking that I'm crazy to consider leaving New York. It's starting to make me question every life goal I have. Like, do I really want to go to law school right now? Or do I want to stay and play in New York for a little while? Or maybe I only want to apply to New York schools? Someone once told me you need to live in New York for 5 years before you really feel at home. I've only been here 2, but I'm starting to feel really attached to this place. I don't really want to leave it. I want to try and carve out some kind of life here and I really just want to stop running away from things and commit to something. I'm not really big on commitment or staying put. I have this nomad wandering gene that always makes me want to move around. I'm wondering how healthy that is. Maybe I need to just stay put and breathe for a little bit. Try and make some lasting relationships, figure out what it is I want. I really have no idea where my life is going. This is a scary thing for me.

Maybe New York is where I'm meant to be.

sometimes i forget i'm not the only one growing up.

It was nice to go home for the weekend, but strange as well. It's odd to see how many things have changed in my parents' house since I've left it. I think my brothers definitely have a different childhood than I did. It's also odd to see them growing up and going out and doing things that I always thought they'd be too young to do. My parents are getting older and that's interesting to watch. Had to listen to my mother's speech about what I'm supposed to dress her in when she dies. Yes, my mother already has her funeral dress picked out - she is fucking nuts. Especially since it's not like she's 95. The woman is 54 years old and doesn't seem to have any health troubles. I guess that stuff doesn't bother me, though, because my parents love to talk about all kinds of morbid, inappropriate things. As odd as it is, I think they've turned me into the exhibitionist, hippie-liberal I am today, despite the fact that they are neither of those things.

Apparently, I'm now of the age where my mother is going to worry about my dating life. I'm thinking of getting a boyfriend just so I don't have to listen to my mother talk about how I need a man in my life. I'd love to go all feminist on her, but it would be a lost cause so I just kind of grin and bear it. I did tell her I was volunteering at Planned Parenthood, though. I was proud of being honest about that. I'm slowly starting to be more of myself with my parents - it's about damn time! Although my mother knowing that I have sex with TG is still kind of weird. Oh well, I'm all about open sexuality, that also means I need to be open about it in uncomfortable situations. I'm a sexual being - my parents have to realize I'm not the Virgin Mary.

Anyway, I'm exhausted. Time to head to bed.

quick hit.

So this is it. I'm having my quarterlife crisis. It's spectacular. Anyway, I have so much to talk about, but I'm watching the Yankees game and I need to get my thoughts in order. Basically, I was just informed that I have to spend 50% of my time doing my old job. Remember how I used to schedule interviews and book travel and do all sorts of things that were awful? Yeah, well, I'm doing that again for a little while. I've been sold down the river. I actually cried over this. I don't think words can express how soul-sucking that job was and I'm afraid that this is the beginning of a spectacular demotion. You work hard, you bust your ass to get out of a position and then all of a sudden you're right back where you started again.

Someone help me brainstorm my next move. The roomies discussed - we've come up with the following:
1. marry rich
2. become a dominatrix

I'm leaning towards 2, but I'll take more suggestions.

xoxo,
your friendly neighborhood drama queen.

roaring 20s.

For the past couple of days, you may have noticed that I've been tagging my posts with the label 'roaring 20s.' Then again, maybe you didn't - is anyone reading this, haha? Lately, I've been obsessed with the 1920s. It's always been one of my favorite eras and if I could live at any time, I would choose that one. So many exciting things going on in literature, culture, and society. I just recently read a book about flappers and now I'm smack in the middle of The Beautiful and the Damned by F. Scott Fitzgerald. That whole world fascinates me. There were so many interesting things happening with women and the Harlem Renaissance and prohibition. The history geek in me can barely get enough.

But to get to the point (and yes, there is a point...), I want to christen this period in my life the Roaring 20s (yes, I know I'm incredibly cheesy and dorky, but I like me this way). I really think it's time for me to start celebrating my youth and taking advantage of every minute of it. I'm 24 years old and I have no commitments to anyone but myself. To celebrate my renewed energy, my roommate and I got ridiculously wasted on wine and were promptly drunk by 8pm. It was an excellent first night of freedom and I even made it to bed (well, passed out) by 11pm. Tonight, it's dinner and a movie with the roomies, and tomorrow I will be drinking with my favorite drinking buddy, Tall. Thursday is Planned Parenthood training and then Friday, I'll be taking the train home to Long Island to see my family, catch up on sleep, and watch movies with Slind. Fabulous.

I think I'm on my way to being back to my old self. It feels good =)

diary of a mad black woman.

Lately, I've been feeling really angry and upset at the state of our society, especially in regards to gender and race. I've never been as tired of dealing with bullshit as I currently am. As each day passes, I am more and more disillusioned with the state of life for black women in America.

I spend a lot of time talking to my College BFF. We have a rock solid relationship for a variety of reasons - we're both kind of crazy, borderline alcoholic, have similar outlooks on relationships and friendships, but I'd be lying if I said that race isn't a factor in our friendship. I consider her to be one of my closest friends partially because we're both black women who were raised by a certain type of black parent. We can both feel comfortable with each other's families because we were raised with a lot of the same values. Having bourgie black parents is similar whether you grew up down South (like she did) or up North (like I did). She just gets it. Last night, we discussed how angry we are all the time. How it feels like we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. That there's no way a black woman can 'have it all' and stay sane. I mean, I look at Michelle Obama - girlfriend can't do anything without the press jumping on it. I'm still reeling over the Malia Obama 'hair in twists' debacle. It just makes me sick - just because she was wearing a natural hair style she's deemed unfit to be seen. I reread this OKCupid article that basically shows that the lowest people on the dating totem pole are Black women. It's actually quite fascinating - I'd recommend reading it. Top that off with my own experiences navigating my way through life and it's no wonder I'm bitter. I'm actually shocked I don't feel shittier than I do.

Lately, I'm finding it harder and harder to navigate in the "white world." Sometimes I wish my non-colored friends and colleagues could glimpse just for a second the amount of sadness, anger, and disgust that I live with every single day. Quite frankly, I don't think the upper-middle class order can even grasp just how many angry black people are lurking in its midst. I mean, I'm angry as hell and I have a good job, a good apartment, and am fairly successful by most measures. God only knows how mad I'd be if I was living in poverty. I remember a bit Chris Rock used to do about his older black uncle, who was married to a white woman. The uncle tries to explain this to Chris - something along the lines of "These white people ain't shit... except for Suzie. I love her and she loves me, that's what matters. But, I'll tell you this - if the revolution ever comes, I'll kill her first, just to prove a point." Not gonna lie, I know where he's coming from. I operate within this world, but I'm not from it and if I'm asked to choose sides, I already know which side I'm choosing. It may not be "fair," it may not be "enlightened," but honestly, it's how I've come to feel lately.

I've made a lot of concessions to get where I'm going - I've given up a lot of myself just to assimilate and sometimes I can't bear it. Because the fact of the matter is, no matter how long I operate in this world, and no matter how far I get - there will always be limits. Even if we can have the presidency and become CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, the scrutiny is still there. Everyone is just waiting for you to fuck up because at the end of the day, in the words of one of my favorite Kanye lines, "Even if you in a Benz, you still a nigga in a coupe..."

The fact of matter is, I can't ignore race - try as I might. That is a luxury that no colored person will ever have. Race is something I'll have to discuss in my home, lecture my children about, and prepare them for as I raise them and if I go it alone, I won't have any help doing it. I will have to teach them the lessons my mother and father taught me - that being good is never good enough, that people will judge you before you open your mouth, and that it will never be easy. I've learned that I can't afford to be weak or let anyone see me sweat or cry. Vulnerability is not an option.

In my ongoing struggle to reconcile my choices in the past with the person I'm trying to become, I cut my hair. More and more, the personal is starting to become political. Initially, I cut my hair because all those chemicals were drying my scalp out and it was unhealthy. After I did it, though, it started to mean more to me than just having a healthy head of hair. In the end, I think I cut it because I wanted to say fuck you to all those images that assault women on a daily basis that tell us we have to be tall, thin, with long, silky-straight hair and Caucasian features to be pretty. I refuse to play into that anymore. I'm keeping my short, nappy hair and my fat ass and my brown skin and I'm going to rock it like nobody's business. I'm tired of little black girls not feeling pretty, not loving themselves. So I'm going to do the only thing I feel empowered to do right now - I'm just gonna be me and not apologize for it. I'm going to embrace my own beauty and try and inspire others to do the same. It's not much, but you gotta start somewhere.

Anger is only useful if it leads to some kind of action. The good Lord knows I'm trying.

i don't wanna grow up, i'm a toys r us kid.

This weekend was amazing and reminded me that I love New York City, I love going out, and I never ever ever want to be old. I had brunch with one of my favorite AXOs today and I declared that I want to be young and free and irresponsible forever. I believe I phrased it something like this, "I just want to die before I'm 35. That way I never have to grow up or be in charge of anything." Yes - I know, I'm ridiculous, but the sentiment behind it was heartfelt. I've spent the past week thinking about life and what I want out of it. My job makes me want to kill myself on a daily basis - I think I've cried about 4 days last week and had several irrational outbursts of anger when I wasn't crying. I had two conversations with close friends today - one that made me question what we're teaching our sons about how to live their lives and another that made me realize that I'm becoming an angry black woman (I'll post more about that tomorrow). It's been a rough 7 days for sure, but by this weekend I decided that I want to be young forever and that I need to stop this premature oldness that has crept into my life. It's disgusting and there's no place for it right now.

I went out on Friday night and got spectacularly smashed with my fabulous roommates, my roomie's girlfriend, and Jama. It was so much fun to laugh and joke with friends. I don't know if I'll ever have friends anywhere like my friends in NYC. For the first time in a long while, I feel really good socially. I love my apartment. It's homey, it's warm, it's inviting and we have an amazing time together. Our friend groups mesh and I feel really involved in each other's lives. It's a nice feeling. I love my work friends - I feel like I've settled into a comfortable routine there. Then there's the high school kids, who aren't even my friends anymore, they're my fucking family. Top that off with the new people in our lives and I feel very balanced and supported. Halloween was fantastic! I liked my bloody Little Dead Riding Hood costume. Went out, stayed out til 4 am like old times. I didn't get all that drunk, though, but that's probably for the best. Top that off with brunch and errands today and it was a nice, social weekend.

I am 24 years old and I don't know if all those things that I thought I wanted will ever materialize. I don't know if I'll get married, I don't know if I'll have children. I don't know if I'll have a house with a yard in a suburban paradise. All of that not knowing makes me want plan for the alternative. The thing I like most about New York is that it always has this really exciting, youthful feel. Not necessarily youthful like everyone looks/acts 21, but moreso that people are so active. They go out, they experience the world, they have a good time, they live to entertain themselves. I miss that. I used to go out all the time. I drank and I flirted with boys and I was inappropriate and wild and free. Now, I spend most evenings at home or doing something tame with friends. I don't wanna do that shit anymore. Society has told me that as a woman, that I'm supposed to want a domestic utopia, and the the only way I'm supposed to achieve happiness is to get married to some man and bear his children all the while trying to juggle a meaningful career at the same time. Maybe I don't want that. Maybe I struggle with being single not because I'm upset about being single but because I'm supposed to be upset about being single. Fuck that.

Every day I read another article about how single, intelligent black women are destined to be alone - how no one wants to marry us. I refuse, I fucking refuse to feel sorry for myself or to become another statistic. I'm opting out. I don't want to be a part of anybody's scheme of what my life should be or what I should want. Maybe I don't want a house, maybe I want to be a nomad, a wanderer, for the rest of my life. Maybe I want to have a baby come hell or high water - whether I'm married or single or living in sin. Maybe I want to drink myself half to death every weekend and spend my time and money making myself feel good and not worrying about growing up and doing grown-up things. Maybe I want to be a new kind of woman, one that doesn't live her life by a prescribed timeline or set of rules. Fuck you and all of your fucking rules. I'm going to break them all and I'm going to do it with a smile on my face.

I never want to grow up.