I always thought it would get easier as I got older, but it really hasn't. There were certainly more men in my life, beginning my senior year of college, but things never really went anywhere and everything was always pretty screwed up. I remember back in the day, as a 20 year old virgin, all I really wanted was to have sex, to have someone desire me in a tangible, physical way. Well, I've had sex - numerous times with numerous men - and I still feel empty. I've made so many mistakes - prizing sexual attraction over anything else. I've always wanted to be desired more than loved. I mean, I'm a very confident person when it comes to my personality. I think I'm awesome - I'm free-spirited, up for anything, sarcastically witty, intelligent, and I know how to have a good time. When it comes to the other stuff - being pretty or attractive or sexy - that's where I get hung up. I have far less confidence in my body and my looks, so I tend to spring after men who validate those parts of me and not the other things I bring to the table. It's unhealthy and I'm slowly starting to realize that.
I look at my relationship with TG and I made so many mistakes. I like to drive people away when they get too close or when they don't fit the mold of what I think I want. I can be dismissive and cruel sometimes and I watch myself do it and it's awful. Sometimes it's so painful to be friends with someone you still care very deeply about, but at the same time you don't want to let go of the friendship. I'm always so conflicted about this. Knowing that one day he's going to move on (possibly one day soon) and date someone seriously and I'm going to have to rework how I interact with him and how we treat each other. I'm shooting myself in the foot by not dating anyone at all. I'm torn, though, because I don't want to date someone just so I can be coupled up before someone else is. I want to date because I'm ready to date. It's not a contest; I shouldn't be comparing my life to his or anyone else's. But, I'm human, so of course I do.
Lately, I just want someone to value me as a person. To treat me with the kind of respect that I deserve, to love and adore me. It's hard for me to admit that. To admit that I need that. I don't know why, but I view it as a weakness. I mean, I definitely want the sexual attraction, too. I couldn't deal with not having that. But, now, I want to focus more on someone who finds me captivating than focusing on someone who just wants to get me naked. I think part of the reason I've taken so long to jump back into the dating game (it's been since April, people) is that I want to do it differently. I know I have to do it differently and I'm trying to figure out how. I'm starting to feel old and I'm starting to hear that clock ticking. It's a scary feeling. I just know that I need to at least start paying some kind of attention to men or I'm going to end up apathetic and alone.