reflections on 2009.

Here it is! Time for my annual round-up of the previous year - successes, failures, etc! I really like this time of year, since it's ripe with introspection. I'm a sucker for that. This is probably not the best time for me to write this, as it is snowing and I have the cramps from hell, putting me in a slightly shitty mood. I'll try and put that aside, though, and just dive right in. Tomorrow I'll get to the resolutions.

In 2009, there were five main themes that dominated my life.

1. My evolving relationship with NYC
2. My evolving relationships with my friends
3. Tech Guy (hopefully this is the last year I can say that)
4. Frustration on the job
5. Checking out

So yeah, my second year in Manhattan. This is the longest I've lived anywhere statically, outside of my Long Island childhood home. I'm slowly starting to fall more in love with this city every day. Honestly, I don't think I could live here permanently, but not for lack of wanting to. It's simply just the most expensive endeavor to live comfortably in New York. I pay a ridiculous amount of money for my apartment and while I love it, I don't want to live with roommates forever. Speaking of roommates, I found amazing ones this year that I love dearly. Girl and boy roomie are amazing and we have a wonderful time in our apartment and I think we really are happy. This is definitely one of the healthiest apartments I've lived in, full of trust and love and respect and fun. When we moved out of Stuy Town and into the FiDi, things got infinitely better. First of all, crazy roommate is gone, and second of all, I just love the neighborhood. Manhattan is back in my good graces again! I still haven't explored as much as I should have, but I'm crazy in love with the city and that's how I'll always remember 2009.

Friendships. Another theme of 2009. While I'm still not exactly where I want to be socially, 2009 was a good year, full of connecting with old friends and making new ones. I've met some really amazing people at work that I consider to be good friends (I even got to watch one of them get married this year - my first real wedding!). I kept up with my sorority girls, whom I love dearly. One of my 2009 highlights was spending the weekend in DC with about 5 sisters, catching up and having a fabulous time. There's my rock star roommates, hanging out with the kids from the old alma mater, and then there's my "family." My friends from Long Island are truly my family at this point, in every sense of the word. We love, nurture, laugh at, take care of, and fight each other like family. I love them - there is no one in this world like them and even when they piss me off and make me want to scream, I still wouldn't trade them for anything. When I die, I may not be able to say much about the life I lived on Earth, but I will be able to say that I made some absolutely fabulous friends.

Oh Lord, Tech Guy. What is there to say about him that hasn't been said? He's still in my life, even when I try to ignore him, he still pops up. Let me interrupt this post to say that lately he's been all up in my grill. IMming me, sending me Twitter messages, and then (this is priceless), sending me a text message about my vagina. Yeah, let's think on that for a little bit. So, he was in the airport thinking about nicknames for my vagina. Jesus take the wheel, because at this point I have no idea how to handle this. My life is a fucking soap opera. But, yeah. ANYWAY. TG still dominated 2009 and even though I started last year with a different boy in my bed , I spent most of my sexual energy on Tech Guy. I made four trips to CA and for the three in which he was single, we had sex. Multiple times. Then there was his 24-hour visit to NYC. I just don't know how to quit him, it seems. But, I'm trying. Yes, I am trying my darnedest. Wish me luck in 2010.

My job killed me this year - I've never been this frustrated about work. The pendulum is always swinging - some days I fucking hate that job and then other times I love it. The only thing that remains clear is that I love my company. I think we do amazing, innovating stuff and I work with some of the finest minds on the planet, but I need to get the hell out of HR. I think those three weeks I spent in CA in October were the hardest I've ever worked in my life. I love that I'm getting more responsibility and becoming a truly integral part of the team, but I am not being compensated fairly and my title still reads Coordinator so what the fuck is up with that? If that doesn't change in 2010, I'm going to fucking kill someone. Don't worry, dear reader, not you. =)

My last theme of 2009 is checking out. This year, I really just checked out in a lot of areas in my life. I saw a psychic, who pretty much told me that 2009 was going to suck balls for me and that it wouldn't get better until 2010. She advised me to just keep my head up, watch a lot of comedy films and try not to think about the shittiness of life. So I did that. I stopped dating in April of this year, after the Intellectual screwed me over. I haven't so much as looked at a man who wasn't TG in that time period. I mean, I guess I figured if life was shitty why bring dating (arguably the shittiest pasttime) into things. I checked out in my job, doing tons of searching for new positions and just overall not caring about things. I feel like 2009 was the year I put my life on hold and now I'm ready to get back on the path. It's time for action, doing. That's what I hope for in 2010.

So that's the roundup! Happy New Year's Eve, kids. Be safe, have fun!

random musings.

Some random things that have popped into my head:

1. I love that "Tik Tok" song by Ke$ha. This makes me ashamed of myself as a human being.
2. I really need the perfect dress for New Years. The club we're going to is more of a rock n roll type of place, so I think I need to mix it up from my usual uber-classy minimalist style. I still want to look kind of slutty, though. What?! It's New Years.
3. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow at this fancy natural salon in Brooklyn. I'm really hoping they can do something with it because I'm starting to get frustrated.
4. My love of Criminal Minds has turned into a full-blown addiction. I watch about 3 episodes every single day and I've actually looked up becoming a special agent at the FBI. This is obsessiveness taken to the next level.
5. I still haven't bought tickets for my February trip to California. I don't know why I think that avoiding something means it won't happen. I'm an idiot.

i really love being lazy.

I am totally enjoying my time alone in the apartment. I've done nothing today but read and chat with friends. I made a brief trek out to Borders for new books and magazines, and then a scone at ABP. Laziness becomes me. I'll probably try and be more productive towards the end of the evening, but for now I'm enjoying lounging. Debating what to get for dinner. I always get the same stuff - Chipotle or Subway - which is lame, because restaurants and take-out places are springing up all around the FiDi, so I don't know why I'm not trying any of them out.

I'm doing pretty well on my 'No TG in 2010' resolution. We haven't really spoken in a week - just him sending me short e-mails and articles and my clipped responses back. I'm not allowed to look at his Facebook or his Twitter page (I get his updates, which I skim, but no more direct Twitter stalking) and I'm doing just fine. I don't even have a desire to look. If he's happy and having fun at home, good for him. If he's not, it's none of my damn business. I know that reading things about him or seeing his new prude girlfriend's Facebook comments will make me upset so I just don't read them. I don't actually know if they're boyfriend/girlfriend yet, he just mentioned they were dating and prude is his word not mine, so I swear I'm not being catty =)

The girls and I are thinking about doing a Dating Scavenger hunt. Of course this is College BFF's idea. We have a list of different types of men and the goal is to check off as many as you can. We may make it a bingo-style game. I'm exceedingly excited about this. I like competition and I need to get out more. Today was the first day that I walked down the street thinking maybe I could go back to being the funny, flirtatious girl I used to be. I've never really been good at relationships or anything like that, but when I see a man I like, I can always find a way to get myself into a compromising situation with him. I adore seduction games and my love of alcohol and frank sexual expression usually means that I can captivate a man long enough to make him listen to what I have to say. I miss that part of myself - the fun part. I mean what good is all this knowledge and skill with all things sexual if I'm not sharing it with a partner? It's a damn shame. I've got too much talent to let it go to waste ;)

trying to figure out what i want to do with my life.

I've been combing the job listings at my company for the past hour or so, trying to figure out what sounds appealing to me. These past few months have taught me a few things. First of all, I love my company and don't want to leave it unless I'm pursuing higher education. Secondly, I love tech and want to work in close proximity to it. Thirdly, I may not want to be a lawyer anymore and that's okay.

I'm still incredibly unsure of the future. I haven't ruled law school out, but I'm trying to think of other ways I can be in the tech field without necessarily being a lawyer. Sometimes I wonder if I turned to law for the wrong reasons. I enjoy it, that's definitely true, but at first I wanted to be an entertainment lawyer because I loved theatre but wasn't confident enough to try acting or directing. Now, I love tech and figure I can just be a lawyer in that world since I can't see myself in any other role. Maybe that's the problem - this lack of confidence. I mean, yes, I have no technical background, but there are plenty of ways to engage in the technical sphere without a CS degree and I don't need to drop tons of money on a fancy J.D. degree if that's not what I want. If I can just research other ways to get involved, other options that would use my talents, maybe that's the better investment. I mean, I already have a foot in the door at a very prestigious, well-known company. I could use that to spring from HR to another department.

Then I think about whether I want to go back to school to prolong my adolescence. No more working, being a student again, mingling with other young people in an academic oasis. Not thinking about the responsibilities of a job. Also, there's the bougie factor. Saying you're a doctor or a lawyer holds a lot of cache in certain African-American circles. It's not enough to have an Ivy League education, you need a Master's or a Ph.D or a JD as well. Is that the life I want, though? Or is that the life I think I should want? It's unclear.

For right now, I've decided to do three things. (1) Apply to a few law schools, keep that door open. (2) Look for other careers within the tech sector at my current company (3) do as much research as I can into career paths and job opportunities for someone with my interests and skills. That's pretty much all I can do right now to make sure my bases are covered.

i've realized that i'm at my best when distracted.

One of the best things about being at home is that I really do escape all the realities of modern life. I'm on the computer far less, less interest in Twitter and blogging and whatnot. It's nice to just take long naps, watch lots of television, hang out with my family, and go shopping. I think less about what others are doing with their lives and more about what I want to do with mine. It feels healthy. Also, my parents' newfound love of drinking at all hours of the day really jives with my typical lifestyle.

I think one of the biggest challenges I have in the coming year is to focus on me. I'm not very good at that, and I don't mean that I spend all of my time being altruistic and giving. I just spend time thinking about what other people are doing - in positive and negative ways. On one hand, I worry about my friends constantly. When I think they're not living up to their potential, engaging in harmful behavior, or getting involved in destructive relationships, I can barely focus. I really need to just calm down, let people make their own life choices and chill out. I'm sure I do a multitude of shitty things my friends aren't cool with. Hell, I know I do because I've heard some of the smack some of my friends talk about me.

The negative is that I'm always jealous of other people's lives. I don't even know how to explain it and I don't even know if jealous is the right word. I don't wish anyone ill or anything, it's more like all of my friends have qualities that I wish I had. I don't really have any friends who don't have a quality I wish I had in myself. I'm always trying to figure out how to be more like those people I admire. While I think this is a good thing, I also need to think about the developing the qualities I already have and not trying to fit into an impossible mold.

I need to stop thinking that my social life is 'less than' because it doesn't fit some preconceived notion I had of what twenty-something life should be. I'm not really sure what I want to be doing with myself socially - so I need to figure that out and then I can be disappointed when I don't meet it. Instead, I just get upset for no reason, which I know isn't healthy.

So yes, distractions help me forget about being upset. I'm supposed to go back to my apartment tomorrow, so I should probably think about what I can use there to distract me.

merry christmas to all!

I'm not going to lie - I'm a little happy that Christmas is over. While I love this time of year, especially all the prettiness of New York City, it's stressful as hell. Present-shopping, running around, traveling, trying to get all of your work done before the holidays - it's exhausting. It's been nice being home, though. Not too bad at all. I got some cool gifts: e-reader, tons of jewelry, two purses (one with matching wallet), and some pajamas. I was actually more excited about the presents I gave - Rock Band for my brothers (which we played all morning), a GPS for my mom, and a little netbook for my father. I really felt like they were excellent gifts for each one. Normally I suck at gift buying. To be honest, I still have 3 more gifts to buy - one for my Secret Santa, and then one each for my roommates. Plan on handling that this weekend.

Thinking about January is getting me excited. I'm really looking forward to 2010. The way I see things, it cannot be any worse than 2009. I need to get myself on track and start being a little bit more positive and optimistic. If I don't eradicate TG from my life this year, I will consider it a failure. I'm not saying I don't ever want to speak to him again, but I don't want to care about what he's doing or focus on who he's dating. I want him to be someone I speak to occasionally, via Twitter or gChat, but I don't want to be fixated on him like I often find myself. To that end, I think that means I need to find a new man for 2010. I have some ideas on where to start, we'll see how they go. Then there's working on myself - my body and my looks and all of that. I'm actually a little worried because there's been some stuff going on with me that I think means I need to see a doctor. I need to make sure to take care of all of those things before the end of the month. Then there's law school apps (I'm painfully behind) and the job and figuring out what direction I want my life to take. I'm hyperventilating just thinking about it. But I'll get it done. I usually do. I just need to sit down, make a list, and then focus on checking it all off. It's as simple as that =)

ugh, foul mood.

Everything is pissing me off right now. I just don't understand why everything has to be so fucking complicated. I think I need a time out. Which sucks, because it's supposedly "the most wonderful time of the year" and I am required to be out frolicking with the general public. I don't want to frolic with anyone right now. I just want to be alone. Of course, I'm pulling a sick all nighter tonight - cleaning, packing, laundry-ing (?) and working. FUN.

More on this later, just wanted to voice my general discontent. =P

reflections.

I am fiercely determined to complete all 100 tasks on my incredibly long Sunday list. My life has been kind of topsy-turvy lately. Work has been stressful (understatement of the year) and my room looks like a hovel. So does our kitchen. I need to rectify that today, as well as finally do all of my fucking laundry. I don't think I have a clean winter outfit, so unless I want to traipse around Manhattan in shorts and a tank, I better get my ass to the laundry room.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking and researching this weekend, which is nice. Sometimes I hate doing and would rather spend time inside my own mind. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of person I want to become and what matters the most to me. I feel like I'm always chasing the idea of happiness, but haven't put as much thought as I should into what that means. So I just end up blindly throwing myself into situations that I think will yield the desired outcome, and then get upset when that doesn't happen.

Too often, I find myself living for other people. I have a lot of really close relationships and sometimes I take the actions of others too seriously, even if they don't involve me. I need to start focusing on my own actions and let other people live their own lives. I also need to stop caring what people think about the things I do. There are times when I want to share things about myself with the world, but I stop short because I'm afraid of how one or two people will take those revelations. At the end of the day, you can only be who you are. I think by being more open about who I am and the things that matter to me, I will attract more positivity into my life and that will bring me happiness. I just need a plan of action and attack, which I've slowly been forming this weekend.

This is one of my favorite times of year - the end of December, a time for reflection on the past and planning for the future. A time for change.

oh the weather outside is frightful.

Days like today I think I must be cracked to have moved to New York. It is fucking freezing and snow is on the horizon for tomorrow. I hate snow and winter in general. I'm probably living in the wrong place.

I've been incredibly restless lately, thinking about job stuff and law school and dating and the end of the year. My mind is just such a swirl of thoughts. I also need to stop taking everything so personally. I analyze everything and get embarrassed so easily and then I can't focus. It's not cute or healthy and I'm going to drive myself to have an ulcer if I keep it up.

I guess the snow is positive - I can spend time working on law school apps, finally doing my laundry (you should see some of the outfits I've been wearing), cleaning my room and apartment, and enjoying some holiday cocktails. Strategizing. I've been too tired to really do anything productive and work has been taking up a lot of my spare time, so having the break will be nice. I also have done no Christmas shopping, which basically means I'm f-u-c-k-e-d.

Is it January yet?

drinking problems can be useful.

Wow, I think I'm really frustrated with certain aspects of my life right now. I didn't even really realize it until last night. I had a fabulous time at the Black Employees bowling night - everyone was really great and it was nice to meet lots of new people and make new connections. I'm not nearly as active in black groups as I should be, but I think that's going to change starting now. I drank a decent amount and then I went home. Once I got home, though, I just started unloading all my work problems on my roommate (a typical occurrence in our home, on both ends).

I just feel so undervalued and I don't know what to do about it. I'm stressed out as fuck all the time, dreaming about work and getting poor performance reviews (which has never happened to me, so I don't know why I'm dreaming about it). I think I'm starting to lose my focus and motivation because it seems like no matter what I do - good job or no - nothing ever comes of it. So why am I killing myself over this? It's just frustrating. God help me. Last night, all of my feelings just came tumbling out and listening to myself complain I just felt so unhappy. Which sucks, because I'm so used to everything else stressing me out. Normally it's men, or my friends, or the city I'm living in. All of those things are going pretty smoothly now, so of course work issues have to rear their ugly head.

It sucks to be unhappy during a recession. What do you do?

overload.

I'm trying really hard to keep up my work/life balance, because it sucks. Which basically means I'm working myself half to death and still trying my darnedest to go out and be social. I guess I should be working on my work/life/sleep balance.

I currently have plans for Wed, Thurs, Fri, and Sat. I don't know if I like all of this social butterfly-ness. Maybe I'll punk out on some of those things and stay home watching Criminal Minds. I love how the loser in me is constantly warring with the party girl. I wonder what will win out eventually. Tonight it's bowling with the black group at work. I haven't really done anything with them, so it's really important that I go. I definitely need to get more involved with that group. Maybe I can make some more work friends and have a good time. Plus, it's open bar so you know I'm there. Thursday is Planned Parenthood stuff - stoked for that and it's super important for me to keep up my commitments with them. Friday night - Harlem party! Trying to convince Jamz to go with me, but I think I've decided I'm going to go regardless of whether he does or not. I need to get out. Saturday is the Banker's party. Remember him? Haven't seen him in forever. I like going to parties hosted by finance guys because the booze is always better. Haha. So yes, trying to con Tall into going with me if he hasn't left for vacation yet. So we shall see.

On top of that, I got an e-mail from a guy online that I actually think looks pretty interesting. He's cute, super muscular and scruffy. Yum. So I'm going to write back and try and be that witty, charming, flirtatious girl I used to be. Wish me luck!

paranoia, paranoia, everybody's comin' to get me...

I spent the whole entire morning freaking out that I was going to be fired because my boss put this meeting on my calendar with no explanation. Of course, I'm not going to be fired, I'm just going to help out a swamped colleague. I honestly had my stomach in knots, complete full-scale freak-out. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me?! Maybe it's a guilty conscience - I'm always afraid that all the bad things I do are going to catch up with me one of these days. Not that I do anything "bad" at work, but I just worry that my unhappiness is out there for all to see.

I am an idiot. FAIL.

love random comments.

This morning when I walked into work, one of the female security guards flagged me over. She asked me if I was in love. She says I been looking really good lately and my walk and my clothes all suggest that I'm head over heels. I laughed out loud. Completely off base, as I have absolutely 0 men in my life now. It was still nice to feel that at least on the outside, you're looking like everything is peaches and cream.

I am pretty happy right now, though, all things considered. I did something wild last night and I doubt anything will come of it, but it was a little baby step toward the road of happiness. I'll talk more about it if it does turn into something, but I'm trying not to blow things out of proportion. That and every time I talk about anything positive in my life, it immediately blows up in my face, haha. I still haven't started work on the whole dating profile thing. I think it's mostly the fact that I don't want to take any new pictures. I mean, I love my new short hair, but whenever I go home, I'm always scrubbing out in pajamas looking like something the cat dragged in. I did get an awesome shot of me at the holiday party, but I don't have a frickin' scanner. Grr. Why can't I just meet someone organically? Honestly. I just want a man to fall into my lap. I've lost my desire to hunt for one. I'm more than willing to put in the effort to flirt and court a guy and get all dressed up and seduce him, but I hate searching for one. No one has interested me in a while and I haven't had a chance to put my mad seduction skillz to use.

Anyhow, I should be working right now, so let me get on that.

moving on, slowly but surely.

I'm having a pretty decent weekend. Stayed later than normal at work on Friday, and then went home and chilled out with my roommate. Spent the night chatting about our work woes, relationship issues, and all of that. It's nice to have a sounding board sometimes and it makes the apartment feel so nice and homey. We put up Christmas lights! I have absolutely no idea what to get the roomies for Christmas, though. J should be easy, as she is a girl and it's never that difficult for me to find gifts for female friends. No clue what to get S, though. Maybe I'll shoot his girlfriend an e-mail for some ideas.

Saturday, I went shopping with Slind and the law school ladies. Love them. I didn't actually buy anything, but had a fun time meandering around the city, browsing the shops. Then we went to The Smith for drinks and dinner. Got very tipsy over a nice, expensive meal. Drinks there were amazing - I should go back for the bar alone. I really like getting out during the day and hanging out with friends. I'm starting to feel more settled in NYC, like I have more social options. It's the perfect level of interaction. I'm still lacking that permanence that I crave so much, but I think that will come with age and once I realize exactly what it is that I want to be doing with myself.

I'll be working on the old resume today and job planning and career growth, on top of selling myself on dating websites =) I should also probably take a look at law school applications and my whole social networking lifestyle. Trying for a complete overhaul of me in 2010. Version 2.0, perhaps?

walking on thin ice.

Ugh, my sleep schedule is all fucked up. I'm really super-sensitive to that because it's usually one of the first signs that I'm going to spiral into some sort of depression. I slept for 14 hours last night - passing out at 6:30pm. Maybe I was just tired, but maybe I'm still feeling shitty with TG drama and the overall annoyingness of my job. I'm really looking forward to this weekend, though. I get a chance to rest and relax. I don't have any stressful plans, just Christmas shopping with my friends and chilling out.

My moods are so volatile - sometimes it's hard for me to get a handle on them. I'm normally incredibly good at outwardly controlling my emotions, but sometimes I wonder if it's at the expense of my internal sanity. I need to stop viewing negative feelings as weaknesses and learn to embrace them and work through them without falling to pieces. Certain things just seem to trigger my emotions and I need to be careful when I'm dealing with those stressors.

This weekend, I'm going to clean my apartment, start doing some exercising again, and work on my online dating profile. I want to have all of my ducks in a row come January.

holiday party magic.

The holiday party last night was spectacular! The venue was amazing (Museum of Natural History) and I had a really fun time with my friends. A vast improvement over last year's party because (a) I actually have work friends now, (b) it was easy to get to the liquor, and (c) the dance floor was huge! I really had a great time and it's made me realize how much I love the people I work with. They're amazing and cool and fun and I couldn't ask for better co-workers.

Of course, I woke up this morning with a raging stomachache that made me want to kill myself and I was feeling shitty for reasons I won't get into here. It's the same person/stuff that always makes me mad. I'm just like a broken record.

After last night, I really am feeling rededicated to making myself happy. I'm struggling at work right now - mostly because I feel unmotivated in my job, unappreciated by my team, and I've been here far too long without a promotion. I thought I had another opportunity, but that closed up, and now I need to focus on what to do. I'm not used to disliking my job. This is new for me. Even when California sucked, I loved going to work every day and always looked forward to it. Now, I dread it every morning and pray for the weekend. It's hard to hate something you do every day for 10 hours a day (and sometimes 16 hours a day).

My loneliness is starting to return. It's different now, though. It's not friendship loneliness. I actually feel really well-supported by my friends! I have the work girlies, my fabulous roommates, the MCMers, and now I'm starting to do more work for Planned Parenthood and that gives me a sense of purpose. I am, however, starting to get the boyfriend itch. I just wonder if I have it in me to give dating my all. I remember how dedicated I was in SF and I guess that paid off (although sometimes I wish TG and I had never met because he stresses me out like whoa). Maybe I need to start that up again - aggressively online dating and putting myself out there. It's frustrating for sure, but when you connect with someone, that's always a good feeling. I also like to think that I've learned from the mistakes of the past and that I can date smarter this time. I don't want to do this and have the same issues I did previously. Improvement is imperative.

holidays - stressful fun!

As much as I love the holiday season, it's been incredibly stressful. I haven't bought any gifts, even though I think I pretty much know what I'm getting everyone in my family (well, except for my oldest brother). I also need to stop eating. Seriously. I've baked cookies for the past two nights and eaten about a million of them. I can't tell if I'm gaining weight or just getting soft, but I'm not pleased with my body right now. One part of me wants to be like - oh, well, it's the holidays! Eat, drink, and be merry! Then the other part of me doesn't want to be 800 pounds come New Years. Especially considering all the cute holiday dresses I want to get into. Yesterday I went shopping for dresses at my favorite store. I couldn't get one of them to zip up and I nearly had a fucking heart attack right there in the dressing room. Luckily, I realized I had a size too small, but still. That was a wake-up call. Woman, get thee to a gym! So, yeah, that needs to happen.

Holiday party is tomorrow. I love my potential dresses (c'mon, this is me - you know I have about 9 options) and I'm going with my favorite boy (Jamz) so it's going to be a good time. Plus all the roomies will be there and the cubemates. It will be infinitely better than last year's. I can't wait to be completely shit-faced. God, I love working at a tech company. It's totally okay to make a fool out of yourself at the company get-togethers. =) Maybe I'll even meet a cute engineer to make me forget about the one I keep thinking about. That would be nice.

ridiculously emotional and no clue why.

Yesterday, I was crying like a baby. It was completely ridiculous. Most of it stemmed from watching Love Actually - that movie always kills me, especially the part when the little boy calls his stepdad "Dad" and when Colin Firth proposes to the girl he loves in broken Portuguese. I'm such a sucker. The other part of it was over TG. Let me explain...

So, I've been thinking about him a lot lately, especially since he asked me about coming to stay here in NYC for a week. I IMmed him last night to ask him some questions about other things and he just seemed kind of out of it, which made me sad, of course. Then a little later he came back on and sent me this message: "text me, I'm going to lay down. I'm really bored and want to talk to someone but lay down at the same time"

I texted him and he told me that he's really nervous and scared and lonely right now. He's trying to launch his start-up, but unsure about quitting his job to do it and he's scared of failure and what will happen is it doesn't take off. He's waiting to hear back about some potential grant money and until he hears back, he can't make any decisions, so he's stressed out. I told him that I'm always there for him and that he can call/e-mail/text me whenever. So he called me right after I sent that text. He sounded so bad. I mean, he's never really vulnerable in front of anyone and he definitely doesn't show his emotions, like, ever. It was really difficult to listen to him and his fears, but I did my best to try and talk him off the ledge. He told me that he really appreciated me being there for him and listening to him. When we got off the phone, he sent me a text: "Thanks for listening! You're really super great sometimes :-)"

Basically, right after I got off the phone with him, I just started crying. Have you ever just cared about someone so much but been so confused about your feelings at the same time? That's how I feel right now. I really have some genuine feelings for this kid and it's hard to be so far away from him. He's not sure if he can come to NYC anymore (obvs) because he may not have a job/finances to do it. I understand completely, but I'm a little disappointed because I do want to see him. Although, I may be in SF in January, so we'll see. All this emotion is just so fucking complicated. I'm tired of feeling. I just want to be numb. It's too painful. I just wish I knew what his feelings for me are and what mine are for him. What I want out of this friendship. Anyway, I'm just a big crybaby, lol.

fun weekend in manhattan!

This has probably been the most active, social weekend I've had in a long time. I'm really taking this "putting myself out there" thing seriously. I spent Friday night at a bar in the East Village celebrating a high school friend's birthday. It was good to see the old high school crew again and try out a new bar. I'm actually starting to like the East Village, even though I could barely stand it when I lived there. What a difference a year makes. After the bar night, met up with A (another high school friend) and chilled at his apartment for a bit. We haven't seen each other in ages, so it was nice to catch up and get the updates on his life. I always forget how many connections I have in this city. I've found it really hard to keep up with everyone and I need to start putting more effort into those relationships because they really are important to me.

Saturday night was a lot of fun, even though I didn't really want to go out. I get so nervous when I go to parties for people that aren't in my immediate friend circle. Girl roomie took me to a party thrown by one of her a capella friends. I was kind of nervous about hanging out with a party solely comprised of Yale folk, since I didn't go there, but I really loved her friends and the party was great. I got to meet some new people and chat it up with some old friends (roomie is randomly friends with a girl who was my summer camp BFF as a child). I stayed pretty sober, so I didn't do anything stupid or hit on anyone inappropriately, so that's always a plus. After that, we headed to her cousin's b'day party at this club on the UES. While I definitely felt a little old at the club, I really love her cousin, she's such a great person and we had a fun time dancing around the club and drinking. I had what must have been the best Long Island Iced Tea I've ever tasted (note to self: learn how to make these) and got trashed while dancing my ass off. I haven't really had a night out like that in a while. It was exactly what I needed.

Next week is going to be busy - holiday party for work on Wednesday and then the PPNYC holiday party on Thursday, which means Monday and Tuesday will be spent doing last minute shopping, primping, and preparing. Lots to do!

and the plot thickens?

So, TG wants to come visit in January. For 9 days. Is that normal? I don't know, I think it is - I mean, we're friends and all and we have a history and really, who else would he stay with? Then again, is it awkward to have a guy you dated for 9 months and still have a complicated sexual/emotional relationship with come to your home for over a week? I'm really excited about it, but nervous as well. Maybe it would be good for us to get our feelings out there on the table (well, my feelings - he "doesn't believe in emotions" and all that). I told him it was okay, but we'll see. He can be so flaky - maybe he won't even come or maybe he's seeing someone and doesn't want to complicate things. I have no idea. It's just weighing on my mind right now. Especially since he asked me if he should still come even though his company won't pay for it. I just want to know why he wants to see me. I don't think he's coming for any other reason. Ugh, twenty-first century relationships are so complicated.

Will keep you updated on whether or not he buys the tickets...

finally!

So, as you all know I've been doing the whole PP (Planned Parenthood) activist thing. We've finished our training, signed up for the groups we're interested in, and now it's time to start actually volunteering. This kind of thing always excites me and makes me nervous at the same time. I've never really participated in any kind of activism, even though I consider myself to be part of 3 minority groups. I'm definitely making up for lost time.

Well, let me say this - last night I think I found my people. Most of you know that I'm a little bit crazy and I have the tendency to say the most inappropriate things at the most random times. I also believe that nothing is taboo. So naturally, the fact that we discussed both dildos and fleshlights in the meeting made me really fucking excited. I normally feel so dirty talking about the things I'm interested in, even with people I've known my whole life, much less with total strangers. Most of the time you don't discuss sex, sexuality, and porn with people you barely know. But that's what happened yesterday and it just made me feel comfortable and normal in a way I usually don't. Living in the "real world" has been quite shocking for me. I enjoyed my little liberal college bubble, where things like female and male sexuality workshops were the norm and sex was such an open thing. Now, I barely have anyone to have serious (and not so serious) discussions about those topics. Needless to say, it makes me very happy to think that I'll be able to fit in with this group of people who share the same progressive, sex-positive views that I do.

I'm a little nervous for our first event. I wonder how good I'll be at tabling and getting signatures and handing out condoms. But, I know how passionate I am about this stuff, so I'm going to assume that my passion will help me overcome the shyness that sometimes stifles me. It feels good to be a part of something larger than yourself that reflects your values. What took me so long?

big steps.

I finally decided to do something radical and crazy. It probably won't lead to anything, but I feel like I need to do something about the apathy and disillusionment I'm feeling about certain aspects of my life. I wish I could elaborate on this, but you never know who's reading these things. I will definitely post more when I have some more clarity.

In some ways, this is one of the most exciting stages of my life. I feel like I'm at this crossroads and there are so many paths open to me. Change is exciting - scary, but exciting. I'm eager to try new paths and do new things because I think I'm selling myself short in so many ways. One of the things I hate about myself is that I'm not aggressive. I can be impulsive, spontaneous, and crazy, but I am never aggressive in my actions or words. I'm not really sure why. Maybe having a hyper-aggressive mother makes me less likely to jump down people's throats. Maybe it's my old shy self peering out or my fear of conflict, but I can never really assert myself in the way that I should. I'm starting to get sick of it. I need to focus on this spinelessness and conflict avoidance. I need to be willing to stick my neck out more. It's the only way to really get ahead.

quote

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." - unknown

=)