30 Days of Truth: Day 5

Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life

The one thing I want to do more than anything in my life is to have a child - a natural born child. I honestly believe that being adopted has been one of the most defining experiences of my life, even moreso than being black and female. The one thing that hurts so much is that even though I have a wonderful family that loves me and real parents (I hate when people are like - do you want to meet your real parents? I have two real parents - they raised me, fed me, clothed me, taught me about life and paid for my education. It doesn't get any *realer* than that), but I don't have any idea why I look the way I do or what kinds of medical maladies await me. I hate looking into the mirror and seeing a stranger. I want something on this earth that I have biological ties to. I want to look into the face of a child and see my own staring back at me. I want to know what it's like to love someone solely for the reason that you have blood ties. I want to give my best features to a little daughter or son that I can raise and spoil and frustrate and ultimately screw up, the way most of our parents have screwed us up.

It's hard for me to even put into words how strong this desire is. One of my biggest fears is that I will be barren and unable to conceive and that I will die without any ties to this world. I know it sounds silly - I of all people know that blood doesn't mean shit in most cases, my parents love me just as much as their own natural children and have never treated me differently. But, I'm selfish and so I want a little mini-me who will never have to know what it feels like to be a motherless, illegitimate child. I hope and pray that one day in the future, I'll get the chance to do this.