It's my last few days at home and I'm painfully aware that pretty soon I'll be going back to reality - home to San Francisco and back to work. I've been finding it pretty hard lately to figure out my next moves all because I have no idea what's going on with this new job I interviewed for. I hate living in limbo - I like to always be planning my next move, but that's impossible since everything is up in the air. I've been thinking a lot about the future lately and what I want to do with myself. I'm super scared that if I don't get this job, I'm just going to become complacent and not focus on trying to improve my career. I can get easily discouraged sometimes, especially when there are some setbacks. I know that eventually I'll pick myself up and find my path, but I worry about how long that will take.
I mean, the fact of the matter is this: I'm not satisfied with my career at all. I know this because I felt strongly enough to search for another opportunity. So if said opportunity doesn't work out, I just don't see how I'm going to be happy staying where I am, even though I told my manager that I would be. I mean, what becomes of me then? I've always been excited to work. I've wanted to have a career for the longest time - when I was a kid I wanted to be a teacher, then a psychologist, then a lawyer, and now that that dream is gone, I'm not sure what I want to do. However, I know that I want something meaningful and fulfilling. While I dream of having a family someday, I must admit that my dreams of having a career have always been stronger. So if I lose that, I'm not sure what more I'll really have.
Problem is - I've always been a Jill of all trades, master of none. I'm pretty good at a lot of different things, but there hasn't ever really been one solid thing that I think I could excel at. To be quite honest, I'm sort of hoping I get to have a myriad of jobs over my lifetime. I want the 'big city' type career (ie. event planning, social media, marketing), but then at some point I'd love to move to some remote part of the country and run an inn or a small bed and breakfast. There are so many different things I'd like to try my hand at, but I need some sort of concrete path to get started.
I'm hoping over the next month or so that I can figure my shit out and at least have a goal. From there we'll see where life takes me.