So I'm still seeing The Blexican, but I'm still conflicted. He came over last night and the sex was amazing, as it always is. I have to say, compared to all the men I've slept with, I think the two of us are most on point and in sync. This isn't to say it's the best sex I've ever had (as the emotional part isn't there yet), but he's skilled, attentive, all those things. I enjoy him. I guess that's a plus.
I'm just a little nervous because I think his feelings are way stronger than mine. Like the way he looks at me - it makes me uncomfortable because I know that I'm not feeling quite that strongly yet. Or at all. I don't know when I became this monster or why, but it's really made me think about getting my booty into therapy ASAP. I feel like this level of neuroses and fear about relationships has to stem from some deep-rooted ridiculousness. Then the other half of me wants to challenge that assumption and say that there's nothing wrong with me just because I don't buy into society's image of a perfect life. ARG - frustration. I need to figure this shit out stat or I risk never knowing if I'm just not relationship-inclined or if something else is behind it. For a while, I thought it was maybe because I've been ditched by friends who've started seeing someone, but I know that's not it. While I do have friends who tend to get caught up in their relationships and stop seeing their girlfriends once a boy is in the picture, none of those chicks are inner circle friends. In fact, I'd argue that the girlfriends I made in college became my close friends mainly because of their tendency *not* to do that. My three closest sorority sisters are all people who have similar man issues to me. We're not exactly the same, but we all struggle with relationships and closeness and intimacy. That's why I love them - because when I talk to them, I know they just get it. There's no trying to sway me one way or the other. They just know that this is how I am and they get that I'm trying to work through it. So it's not that... I don't know what it is.
Moving has made me an extremely pensive person. In the course of the two months I've been here, I've been making major changes. I'm currently looking at all aspects of my life and trying to optimize - making sure I have the right people in my life, that I'm doing the work I love, and that I'm putting myself out there in all ways. I know it won't be easy, but I need to just keep working on myself and keep pushing through. I'm sure I'll get to my destination sometime, even if I'm not 100% sure where it is I'm trying to go.