I am really loving my life in San Francisco. It's almost scary how well things have fallen into place. The other day I was in the backseat of a cab, traveling home after a dinner at a friend's place and I just felt so overwhelmingly full of happiness and contentment. Things seem to be working out for me so far - new job, new boyfriend, reconnecting with old friends. I feel like my gamble on moving here has really paid off. However, I've noticed something about myself throughout this whole process. Basically, my happiness hinges on how much control I feel I have over my life. If I don't feel like I put the ball into motion on something, I can't truly love it or embrace it fully. I don't know if that's a positive character trait or a flaw, but I'm the ultimate control freak in that way.
I'm not sure happiness suits me. I'm an incredible worrier and even as happy as I am, I keep thinking about things that need to change or negative thoughts about positive aspects of my life. I look at my relationship and I wonder if I can ever really be happy with someone else. If I can open myself enough to let someone really see me and be with me. I'm a complicated, complex, moody person and I just wonder if I'll ever like anyone enough to want them to stick around. I also have life-ADD like whoa. Symptoms include: Inability to stay in one city for longer than two years, Constant desire for change, Feeling that all things and people are ultimately disposable. It's really pathological how tied to change I am. MB pointed it out to me once - the fact that I tend to always choose the difficult road. Always. Now that I've moved to SF and followed the tough path and seen it pay off, I wonder if I'll stick around long enough to enjoy it. Or if I'll try again, pick the difficult choice and uproot myself - whether mentally, physically, or emotionally.
People are always saying "happiness is a journey, not a destination," but I'm firmly convinced that that's my problem. I'm down for the journey, but when I get to where I'm going, I never want to stop.
2 comments:
"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't you will leak away your innate contentment." - (from Eat Pray Love) Elizabeth Gilbert
@MommaSkinnyJeans - i like that quote! i've been meaning to read that book, but the movie threw me off!
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