Is it unethical not to tell your boyfriend about your blog?
I've been thinking about this lately because my boyfriend doesn't know about this here corner of the internet. I may have mentioned that I blog when we first started dating, but it's never been anything I've emphasized and he never asked about it, so I never elaborated. I guess it all boils down to the fact that I like sharing my life on the internet. I don't really think anything is TMI - well, there are a few things, but in general I tell ya'll everything. I mean, I wrote in detail about a one night stand where I kicked a guy in the face! I don't shy away from sharing it all because I wish someone would've told me what the real world is like, what real relationships between men and women were like. This way, I can share some of my experiences with people and hopefully find some common ground. If not, then I guess I can give you guys something to laugh/shake your head at =)
Of course, this means that I share details about my feelings and my experiences as they're being formed - thought processes that I'm not sure I want my boyfriend (or any man I'm dating) to see. This blog has helped me explore my relationships and my sexuality and I view it as a necessary outlet for my personal growth. However, I get that a man might want to know what I'm talking about here and what I say about him. I try to think about it in the reverse - if a guy I was seeing had a similar blog and didn't want to tell me about it, how would I feel? To be honest, I don't think I'd really care much. I would view it as a diary - everyone's entitled to one of those, right? However, as Freshman Year Best Friend brought up when we went out for dinner yesterday, a diary is totally private, whereas a blog is public and out there. How can I restrict someone that means something to me from something that everyone in the world has access to see? I have to say he has a point.
I mean, I want a relationship based on trust and openness, but I don't necessarily feel the need to know every single thought that my significant other has. That being said, I think I'd like it if eventually I dated someone that I felt comfortable sharing this with - someone who would know about it, but would be secure enough in us and in our relationship not to use it to pry into my thoughts and to be comfortable being written about. But I know that not all men are like that. I like to think my current boyfriend is the type who doesn't need to know everything about me in order to trust me. He knows that I don't cheat and that I'm faithful. He knows I need my 'me' time and that I can't be available all of the time. I respect him for that because it makes me more enthused to be with him - having a man who gives you your space makes you want to be with him that much more.
There really is no conclusion to this for me - I think blogging is always a slippery slope, especially when you have a blog that's as personal as mine is. I pour everything into this and it's hard to think about letting someone see that side of me so quickly. So I think for now, I'm going to keep it to myself, until I get more of a sense of where this relationship is headed and how much he can handle having an exhibitionist girlfriend who's TMI-ing it all over the internet. But I still have to wonder if I think it's fair to hold this back. Thoughts?
12 comments:
I see FYBF's point about a diary being private, but I think this blog is more like emailing your girlfriends for advice. You wouldn't include him on that would you? It's just "girl talk" in a sense.
I was only thinking about this today, weird!
I think it's your own preference really. I told the boy about my blog, and that I've written about him. While he's cool with it, and thinks its cool I actually want to write about him, he doesn't feel the need to actually see it. To him, it's not a big deal. Then again, I'm probably the worst person to be commenting on here, becuase a) we're not "officially" dating yet, and b) until it came up in conversation, he'd never heard of a blog, and didn't know what it was.
Since the whole "ex-finding-my-blog-and-freaking-out", I decided not to keep my blog a secret anymore, from anyone. I don't generally keep secrets, but especially in a relationship, maybe it'd be best just to drop it into conversation? Not wave the URL in front of his face or anything, just make him awate it's there?
And apologies for the long, rambling, should-really-be-asleep-for-work-in-the-morning comment!
Yikes...if he found out about it and then started reading back through all of the stories that included TJ and stuff he would most likely get jealous and it could case him some self-consciousness.
It's not very often you get the chance to see/hear EVERYTHING in your partners head but in this case, he would.
1- You started this blog before you met him and you've had it for a really long time
2- You've only said positive things about him in your blog
3- You've opened up to him about quite a few things in your life
For these reasons I think you should let him know you have a very personal blog out there which you haven't shown to any guy you've dated before. And tell him that you're not ready to show him yet because you're not comfortable but if you both reach a certain point in your relationship, you might let him see it. He might appreciate you being honest and letting him know. Because as you guys get closer, you might even like to show him one day :)
This is clearly a very personal choice. It's nice to be able to trust the guy you're with to read about your experiences in great detail. You also have to ask yourself if you'll ever feel compelled to hold back from writing something you really want to say in the future because you don't want him to read it. You're sharing your life with complete strangers. Personally speaking, my opinions about you are unbiased and nonjudgmental because I simply don't know you (but I wish I did because you sound like a fun woman!). If you think that your boyfriend can share the same outlook, then yes, tell him if you want to! My boyfriend is completely aware of my blog but it's about beauty so he couldn't care less. I know, I know, it's completely materialistic and superficial but I wanted an outlet where I could talk about anything BUT my life so for me, it serves its purpose. I think you have to go with your gut on this one. It seems to me like you have good instincts, use them!
This is one of those slippery slope things.... Some guys care, some don't and some say they don't, then read it and it all goes downhill from there..... It's one of those decisions you really need to think through. I just started seeing someone and I know that he wouldn't care about the things I write now, but just like you, some of the stuff I've written are incredibly personal and I really don't think he needs to read.....
totally loving all of the comments about this!
@shruti - yeah, that's totally how i view it, too! it's like me talking to you or another friend for advice. although, the fact that several people read this that i don't know IRL could be unsettling.
@Pink Hibiscus - see, that's what i'm hoping for! a guy like yours who will know about it but not necessarily feel compelled to check it out. i think i'm going to take your approach with dropping it in slowly in conversation. thanks so much for the advice!
@Jennifer - yeah, that's the fear. it just feels a little too personal. he'd have to be mature enough to handle it and i'm not sure i know him well enough to say.
@anonymous - thanks for the advice! i think that's the best way to go. it feels honest and mature. that way he knows it's out there, but also knows i'm not ready to open up quite that much yet.
@katie - thanks for the advice. yeah, i think it depends on how comfortable he'd be with knowing how much i put out here. i also don't want to censor myself knowing that he's reading. i want to be open and honest here - that's the whole point of the blog - so i'm going to be cautious as i tell him about it.
@Tara - yeah, i just think it's too soon right now for him to know the URL. but i guess i can tell him that it exists, so it's not like i'm hiding anything.
i've been thinking about this lately too. granted, i am only in the dating stage, but now that things seem to heading toward relationship status, i wonder how much i should tell about my online presence. with my ex, he knew about the blog, but got upset if i complained about something on it that had to do with him (even if the post didn't mention him). so i don't know...i think you should eventually tell him you have a blog and see where the conversation leads? i don't know. let us know what you decide!
I finally got on here! Long after the debate ended...
I just wanted to chime in because I am in a somewhat similar situation. I have blogs my boyfriend knows about (+ sometimes reads), but then I started an anonymous blog. I really didn't expect anyone to read it, which is why I didn't tell him -- it's sort of a health/diet thing and I kind of wanted to give him a BREAK from all my FEELINGS about that subject, you know? -- but now I'm starting to make friends through it, and it is hard to account for.
On the one hand I feel like I'm blog cheating him... but I rationalize that I don't use it either to (a) rant about him (though he comes up once in a while) or (b) conduct actual infidelity ie meet other guys with it. I have friendships he doesn't hear every word of, and a blog is sort of like that... a vent. Honesty doesn't mean he has to know everything I'm thinking, 100 percent of the time.
I guess the other thing to consider is, is your boyfriend the type of guy who will read your blog closely? Or will he just go there and be like "Oh, cool," and stop reading? With all due respect to the Blexican, some people just aren't that curious. But I am not one of those people, secret blogs drive me insane (yet I ended up with one... whoops).
So that's my novella on blogs. I think whatever you choose, it's going to be fine.
@Ellen - better late than never!
yeah, i think not telling him where your anonymous blog makes sense, especially for the reasons you described. i suppose you could tell him it exists but not give him the URL. if he knows why you're keeping it anonymous, that could be enough for him.
i'm not sure what my boyfriend would do with the blog address. on the one hand, he seems content to let me have my own life. but on the other hand, he seems so curious about who i am as a person that he might want to read it. i'm not sure.
Maybe I'm alone on this, but I don't believe that every thought I have has to be shared with my significant other (and we've been together 18 years now). I think we all share different information with different audiences; things you tell your girlfriends aren't the same as what you might share with your boyfriend, or your family. There are no rules. Tell him when you're ready -- if you ever choose to.
@Chelita - i totally agree with you. i think that in a relationship you shouldn't have to share every single thought with someone else. unfortunately, it's gotten me into trouble in the past, but i think this time i may be with the right kind of guy for me, who understands that.
Post a Comment