long time, no blog.

It's been super-crazy around these parts lately, so I haven't really been blogging. I'm incredibly exhausted right now, so no time for a real update, but let me say that this weekend was amazing. Getting out of New York was so good and healthy for me and I loooooved seeing the sorority girls. I seriously love my sisters. They are amazing, wonderful women and I don't deserve to have them in my life.

Lots of wine and deep conversation about relationships, friendships, love, and pretty much everything else under the sun. I am blessed to have people who will listen to me bitch about the minutiae of my life =)

things i don't like about myself.

Wow, that's a pretty harsh title for a post, but that's basically what this is about. I'm not talking about the superficial things I don't like about myself - I can get over that stuff. I'm talking about the fundamentals, those things at the core of your personality that make you shudder when you think of them. There are a ton of things I do that I'm not proud of. Lately, they've been creeping up in my personal life a lot. As much as I want to change them, some of them I think I'm stuck with, but others I'd like to work on. Here are the top 2:

1. I'm a coward. No, seriously I am. I am incredibly spineless when it comes to everything, especially with my friends. I don't like having difficult conversations and so I just don't have them. I ignore things I don't like, shove them from my mind and instead focus on the positive. The problem is, those things always bubble up to the surface and when they do, they explode. I'm not the kind of girl that has several little nitpicky fights with my friends. I'm the girl who you'll know for years and never have a single fight and then one day I'll either just stop talking to you or worse, we'll have the mother of all fights and years of issues will come spewing out of my mouth. This is really not good. I need to learn to tell people how I feel, for better or for worse. The funny thing is that I have no problem with blunt honesty directed at me, but I can't seem to dish it out. I need to work on this, especially since I can't imagine being in a real relationship with someone and not being able to be honest with them.
2. I can be spiteful and petty and I have a wicked tongue. People who don't really know me think I'm a very nice girl. But, I'll let you in on a secret - I'm not really a very nice girl. I am a bitch. I can be really evil and I learned from the best. My mother is one of the meanest people I've ever met, and while I'm never that outwardly mean to anyone, I have a sharp, sarcastic sense of humor and I could probably make you cry if I wanted to. While I don't normally unleash the full extent of my evilness on anyone, sometimes when I'm mad I can say some really hurtful things. I also focus a lot on people and what makes them tick. This can be used positively, for gift-buying or compliments, but it can also be used to hurt people. I know exactly what button to push to drive people off the deep end. I usually don't use this, but if I'm hurt or someone has scorned me, I can be pretty nasty. I'm not worried about this one so much because I think the more honest I am with people, the less resentful I will be and then there will be no need to be brash. But, I still recognize that this is a weakness.

Both of these negatives keep popping up in my life and I'm not sure what to do about them. I try so hard to be liked by everyone and to please everyone and not to rock the boat (see: #1), but then something always goes wrong and I feel this need to lash out (see: #2). What's a girl to do?

CJ and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Today was a very bad day for reasons I won't get into because they're a little too personal for me (and I bet you all thought nothing was too personal for me! Wrong! haha). Anyway, I'm moving forward and trying to be positive about things. It's sad when the things that used to make you feel at home no longer do and you don't know where to turn. I'm just such a naturally negative person, so when I feel like this, I get so depressed and it can be hard to pull myself out immediately. Instead, I'll wallow for a while.

There are a lot of people in this world that I have complicated relationships with, but lately, two of them spring to mind. One of whom I don't even really speak to anymore and the other one is TG. What intrigues me most about both of these individuals is their optimism and their ability to always be upbeat and positive and not to let things get them down. While I don't have the best relationship with the former and the latter stresses me out on a daily basis, I really would like to be more like them in that one particular way. Goes to show you that you can learn a lot from anybody, not just those people you're close to.

I'm losing my faith in human relationships. That's a sad thing for me to admit to, but it's true. I haven't felt like this since 6th or 7th grade. As a kid, I never really trusted anyone. I grew up in a household where my mother told me not to trust anyone and so I've viewed outsiders with trepidation. I've always had friends, don't get me wrong, but I kept a lot of them at arm's length, especially during my youth. I think the whole adoption thing plays into that too. I know how fleeting any kind of tie is, even biological. Things happen, people change, life moves forward.

I don't really talk too much about him on this blog, but High School Best Friend is the first person I've ever considered to be a true friend. Although he's busy in med school and our friendship is not at the level that it once was, I will never ever forget the fact that he was the first person to be kind to me in a legitimate way. He taught me that I could trust someone outside of myself. It wasn't strictly that, though - he was the first person who cared enough about me to force me to open up to him. He simply wouldn't take no for an answer. Of course I would tell him everything and he would keep it a secret because we were best friends. Prior to that time, no one had ever treated me like that or seemed to genuinely want to know my true thoughts or feelings. That's valuable to me. I'm a person who holds grudges, but I also don't forget any kindness bestowed upon me.

In the years since then I've made so many friends that have helped me open up and cultivated a lot of friendships that sustain me and make me feel whole. I feel like I have people who really get me, who know me and whom I can laugh with and have a good time and just be myself - no censorship necessary. Yet, I also feel crazy lonely sometimes. It seems like everyone has so many other commitments and other people that are more important to them and that's hard. Then there's my disillusionment with dating and men in general (I just deleted all of my profiles and did the whole cleaning out my contacts list thing). I just feel like it's too much work. People are too much work. I can't handle caring so much about people - it hurts too badly when things go wrong or people leave you behind. I hate being left behind. That's why I try to leave first.

sunday morning musings.

I'm still really incredibly tired. I don't know how to get enough rest anymore. It's so odd, I used to be the girl up at 6 or 7am every day, no matter what time I went to bed the night before. Hell, I even got up at 3:45am every day for a month to work out. Now, I can't seem to get enough sleep no matter how hard I try. I think I need more natural sunlight in my bedroom and maybe less TV. I'm going to try and make that happen this week because I want to start using my mornings to do some working out. I've definitely gotten soft lately and I want to fix that before California in two weeks.

This trip is going to be interesting. I want to sort out my feelings about San Francisco and potentially living there again before I make any concrete decisions. Seeing old friends, checking out the neighborhoods. Then, there's TG. He texted last night and we went back and forth a little. It's really nice when he thinks about me - if only I knew what he was thinking about me. We still haven't really talked about the trip yet. I mean, I asked earlier if he was going to see me and he said yes and that he'd make certain he was in NYC more this year. Lately, it's been hot and cold between us, though. Even after he got rid of the chick he was seeing. Some nights we have stellar conversations and it's fun and flirty. Then *poof* he's gone. I have to use this trip to figure out what's what between us or at the very least get some shit off my chest in a responsible, mature, face-to-face way. Yup, that's the plan.

validation.

I'm writing from home this weekend - decided to spend the weekend with my family since I'm going to be gone for the next 3 weekends. I've been crazy tired lately, so a restful weekend is just what I need. Although, I'm super pissed that I'm missing the Mock Trial reunion shindig happening at The Banker's this weekend. You all should know how I feel about Mock Trial - love it and I miss those kids like whoa. Oh well, another time.

Friday was an amazing, amazing day! I'm actually starting to feel like I made the right choice in regards to law school and my potential career changes. I went into my one-on-one with my manager to talk about some stuff and she basically told me that I'm doing really well and that I shouldn't be worried about promotion. I'm not going to say any more than that, but I think I understood what she meant and it's about time! When I asked her if I could set up some time to talk more about career development she seemed really pleased and so I'm excited that we'll have those conversations next week!

I'm going to talk to her about transferring back to California. I really do think it's time. I lived in NYC for two years and while I'm going to miss it like crazy and miss the proximity to my family, right now I've decided that I want to hitch my wagon to this crazy, wonderful company I work for. In order to do that, I really need to be at headquarters, regardless of what that means for my personal life. Everything that happened on Friday - the good news from corporate and the good news from my manager - leads me to believe that this is the right choice for me. I'm nervous, not so much about life in SF - I mean, some of my favorite people live there and I imagine I will fall back into a lot of the old social patterns I had - but just about my career path and living alone and all of that. I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life, but I know that the decisions I'm making now are setting me on a path to long-term future happiness. It's a scary, yet exhilarating time. Cannot wait to see what happens in the next 9 months.

strangely zen.

Recently I've been thinking about my newfound decision to stop pursuing a law degree. I really feel like I should be deathly frightened about this. I mean, I have NO PLAN. Nothing. I really don't know what I'm going to do with myself at this stage of the game. I'm working in a job that doesn't really do much for me, but I still love my company. I live with fabulous roommates in what I believe is the best city in US, but I'm contemplating moving in 9 months. I haven't seriously dated anyone in a little less than a year, but I don't care because men aren't really interesting to me at this point. It's so strange. I'm just kind of existing with no real plan in sight.

Don't get me wrong. I'll make a plan and I'll stick to it and I'll achieve my dreams and all that Millenial Generation bullcrap. For now, though, I'm not sweating it. Life could be a lot worse than it actually is. I wonder if I'm sleep-deprived or maybe someone slipped some Prozac into my Diet Dr. Pepper because I'm the most high-strung individual about literally everything. I can turn any situation into some monumental occasion and yet, while standing at the crossroads of my life - all paths open to any direction I want - I'm just futzing around and I'm not even concerned.

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it remains to be seen.

yay! i'm excited!

I'm such a huge dork. Really, I am. For some odd reason, I'm crazy excited about a few new endeavors I've decided to take on. It makes me feel like I'm actually doing something constructive with my life, which feels good considering I've just derailed myself from The Plan that I've had for the past 8 years.

I bought a book this weekend! Learning Python! Yay! I'm going to learn how to code. I'm doing backflips! So all you CS kids out there, look out! I might be hitting you up with questions because I know myself and this is probably going to be crazy challenging. I'm looking forward to it, though. I may even be able to expense the books for work! Hollerrrr!

Half-marathon training. I have a 5 month half-marathon training plan in place, to be finalized today. I think doing this marathon with College BFF and L is going to be amazing. San Diego for a weekend, rigorous exercise, followed by a weekend in Mexico. It doesn't get any better than that. I really hope I can hold myself to this because I think it would be amazing to say I completed a half-marathon, considering that I'm basically sedentary right now.

So yeah, that's my life!

super size me.

I just traipsed through half of lower Manhattan on the hunt for V magazine's Size Issue. I got my hands on the last copy at a teeny-tiny convenience store in Tribeca. It was sold out pretty much everywhere else. Just like Italian Vogue's Black Issue that came out last year. I really don't understand why fashion magazines don't start integrating all different races and shapes in all of their issues. Especially considering these specials sell like hot cakes whenever they come out. I'm not complaining, though - I'm glad they're even putting out issues like this.

I haven't gone through and read the magazine yet, but I've looked at some of the photos and they truly are stunning. Sometimes I wonder if people understand how important it is to see people who look like you in fashion magazines, television shows, and other outlets. It took me a long time to really grasp the importance of representation in the media and how the lack of that can really fuck you up, even when you think you have a positive self-image. Growing up my mother always refused to buy anything that had pictures of Caucasian faces on it. I thought it was silly, but I get it. She wanted us to see people that looked like us.

Same thing with weight. There are not a lot of fashion models that look like me - either in size, shape, or race. Most of the models they show in fashion magazines and ad campaigns look like teenage boys - no breasts, no hips, no ass. The average American woman is right around my size and yet it's rare to find representations of that anywhere. Not on television shows or in movies or advertisements. After a while you start to think that something's wrong with you when you don't fit into that mold. Occasionally the media will trot out a token - someone who doesn't fit that stick-thin mold, but it's almost always someone on the complete opposite end of the spectrum (ie Beth Ditto, Gabby Sidibe). Don't get me wrong - those women are beautiful and they deserve to be celebrated as well, but why does it have to be only one of two extremes? What about celebration of the girls in the middle? I'm not naive enough to think that one magazine issue will solve the fashion world's representation issue, but you can bet your ass that when they put out these editions I'm going to buy them. That way maybe one day, instead of being shocked to see a size 12 model in a fashion spread, it'll just be another common everyday occurrence.

love three day weekends.

I don't know why I'm so frickin hungover, but I am. My stomach is turning over like every 5 minutes. Blarg. ANYWAY. This weekend has been awesome. Spent Friday night at dinner with Jama and we did our Secret Santa exchange. I love my gifts and it was nice to spend time with him, chattering away. Saturday, I slept in until past noon and was pretty much a big bum all day. Then, met up with Slindy and Jama for dinner at one of my fave places - Vento. I love Italian food and it was amazing. Then we met up with the roommates to get drinks. The bar was lame and I had to criticize the DJ (who STILL continued to play shitty music, even after my intervention), so we left after one drink and then headed back to Jama's to watch SNL. Somehow I dragged my tired ass onto the subway and made it home by 3 am. I love New York City so much sometimes.

Jama and I had a long chat about TG. The whole situation is ridiculous. I'm really starting to get nervous about the February trip. I don't know how it's going to go and how I'll act. I'm not even sure how to behave towards him, especially now that I'm thinking I could end up back in the Bay before the year's end. I don't want to tell him that, but maybe it's dumb to be patently dishonest. I'm just so bad with relationships and I don't really understand them. I have so many rock solid friendships and I feel like I know how to be a good friend, but I have no idea how to relate to men. I think I've learned a lot in my time out of college, but now I'm kind of jaded and just have no desire to look for men. I'm half-heartedly online dating, while I still think about TG and what could be between us. I like to think that this is just a phase and it will pass, but it has been such a long time that I'm starting to get concerned. Oh well... we'll see how things go. I have two potential dates lined up and maybe they'll go well. We shall see.

In other news, I bought my first coding book! I'm really trying to take this technology thing seriously. I want to learn more and develop a new skill set. So I'll spend the rest of my 3 day weekend learning and reading and hopefully learning how to code. Yay!

adventures in manhattan.

Had an interesting evening last night. Probably involved too much liquor, but it was fun. Tall and I met up to check out this brand new hotel bar in the FiDi, but of course the place hadn't fully opened (next week!). So instead we went to another upscale restaurant/residence to grab drinks. I had about three glasses of prosecco and practically half a loaf of bread and was pleasantly tipsy within 30 minutes of arriving at the bar.

Talking to Tall made me realize a lot of things - well, I think it was the talk, maybe it was the liquor. Anyhow, law school is looking less and less likely. I'm just not interested in it anymore and I don't think it's what I want to do with my life. This is scary to me because law was such a safe thing for me. It was something stable and lucrative. It also ties in with my desire to be upwardly mobile and well-educated. I think I was lured in by the status of being a lawyer and as my tastes have changed, I'm no longer interested. The longer I talked to him about my plans for next year, the more I realized that my heart just isn't in the whole law thing. Scary for sure, but liberating - I'm sure I'll have more updates about this as time goes on.

After getting drunk, we decided to explore the residence area, even though we don't live there. We ended up in the Club, which had a screening room, shoeshine, barbershop, and business center. We saw a pool table and decided we wanted to play a game and then the security guard came over and asked us if we needed anything. I'm pretty sure homeboy knew we didn't live there, but we just acted like we knew what was up and he left us alone and we had the run of the place. After beating Tall in pool (man, I miss that game), we did some more exploration and then decided to get the hell out before we got kicked out. All in all, it was a fun night. I miss the random exploration of New York that I used to do all of the time. It was good to do that again.

This has been a pretty busy week for me and I think it's keeping me sane. PPNYC stuff tonight - sex education and whatnot. I'm jazzed. Slowly getting out of my funk!

never have a sinus infection.

Apparently they make you feel like you're having a toothache, which makes me feel like killing myself. I also spent all morning in the dentist's office for naught. Does anyone actually say 'for naught?' I guess I do - haha. Apparently, I have a sinus infection and not a cavity or a tooth problem. Fuck me. It's still painful, regardless off what's causing it.

I keep having these thoughts. I probably shouldn't share them, but I'm high on pain. I'm disillusioned with becoming a lawyer and I'm thinking of moving in September. I don't know why this is flooding out now, but it is. I wonder if I ever really did want to be a lawyer. Maybe, maybe not. Ironically enough, it seems like that would be the easy thing to do - going to law school. The harder thing to do would be to figure out what it is I want and how I can make money doing it. Depending on how that goes, the whole moving thing will play a role. This city has gotten to expensive for me and I can't imagine paying what I pay to rent forever. I'm not itching to own a house or anything, but it feels like I'm pissing money away. I don't feel independent here either, which is a problem. I don't even feel dependent in a good way (if that makes sense) - just bleh. So we'll see. I'm sure my parents will love to hear that I'm contemplating yet another cross-country move. I probably won't tell them until the details are finalized.

So yeah, that's where I am right now. Once the blinding pain goes away maybe I'll be coherent again.

just do it.

I was just thinking the other day how important music has been to me throughout my life. Not in the traditional sense - I mean, I've been to a grand whopping total of 2 concerts in my life and I never know any of the new tunes you young folks are listening to. Yet, I've always been crazy musical - started playing piano and violin when I was 5, then moved to saxophone in elementary school, followed by flute for high school and college. I can remember the lyrics to almost any song and my tastes are pretty eclectic.

More importantly, though, whenever I'm sad or depressed or confused, music is really the only thing that can pull me out of it. I think that's how I first fell in love with musical theater, because I could identify with so many of the lyrics and the characters. When you can barely articulate your own thoughts and you feel like no one understands or gets you, it's magical to hear a song that just puts all of those pent up feelings out there. There's nothing like it.

Lately, I've been in an odd mood - I feel like no one cares how I feel or what's going on in my life (well, not no one - some people have actually been really helpful - but in general). Lots of thoughts have been running through my head. I just want to do things. So I'm going to. I feel like I have this paralyzing fear of doing things alone or moving outside of my comfort zone and it needs to end. I can't sit around and wait for people to do what I want to do. Instead, I'm just going to make plans and if you wanna come, you can come, if you don't, you won't. Because what's the point of waiting around? If I can't find someone to go on vacation with me, I'll just go alone or maybe go with people I would've never thought to ask. That's how things get done. That's how I used to be. I don't know what's changed, but I need to revert back to being that girl I was in Tacoma, in DC, in SF - the one that didn't have any friends or any networks but built them because she had to. Yes, that's what I have to do.

and boom goes the dynamite!

So I should write a really serious entry about my brother and the long talk we had over lunch today, but I'm not going to. I should also probably write about how I hate everyone right now and want to run the world over in my (non-existent) car, but I won't do that either.

Instead, I'll talk about how last night TG told me that he had broken up with that girl he was seeing and I instantly felt my sinuses clear up and my headache go away. This kid seriously has me under some sort of spell. It's like he controls my moods. Now I'm hella nervous about my trip in February. I feel like we have to have our Come to Jesus moment and talk about how we feel, or at least how I feel about him. This is so nerve wracking. Then he told me that he was going to try and find a way to spend more time in NYC this year. Oy vey. This is so complicated and twisted. We talked for a while last night, the usual stuff. Sigh. I'm happy about it and I know I shouldn't be. Just thought I'd throw that out there so you all know when my resolution got thrown out the window.

waiting for my meds to sink in.

I'm in a much better mood this morning, oddly enough. I'm sicker than I was yesterday AND I also managed to snap my glasses in half this morning (word of advice, don't sleep with your glasses on your bed because you will break them), yet I'm strangely happy. Still haven't decided if I'm up for partying this evening due to the massive headache I have. It was probably stupid to have 3 glasses of wine last night. I wasn't drunk at all, but I have a feeling it didn't help my immune system.

In other news, I am going to try to stop being so gosh darn negative. TG is inspiring me to think that way. He's so ridiculously positive all of the time. I've very rarely seen him go into down-in-the-dumps mode, a state of mind which I seem to occupy more often than not. I want to start being more positive about my life and my prospects. I have an amazing life - I make a decent amount of money, I live in an apartment I love with amazing people, I have a good job. All things to be happy about. Even when they're not perfect. I've also been blessed with intelligence and scrappiness, two traits that I think can get me the things I want. It just takes some hard work, which I am more than capable of. I do believe you can create your own happiness out of nothing. I've done it before, so it is a little shocking to me that I haven't tried harder to do it now. I guess I keep thinking about what that happiness would entail and that's where I get stuck.

I really feel like I need a mentor right now. I'm not sure where to go about getting one. I want to connect with another black woman who can give me some advice about where I'm going and how I can get there. It feels silly and childish to me to ask for help, but sometimes you really need it. Right now, I think I need the wisdom of someone who has had more experience in their life, who can give me insight on where I can go from here. Yes, I think that's a very good idea.

I have a hunch that a lot of things are going to change for me in 2010 and I'm really excited about the prospects.

i'm not in the best of moods.

I don't know why I've been so cranky lately, but I am. Part of it is probably my sickness, which doesn't make life fun. Every day I have a new symptom to wake up to, it's fabulous! My job has been stressful - incredibly stressful, but today I got a very positive review from my manager, which was exactly what I needed. I have some serious issues around insecurity in the workplace. I always think I'm going to be fired, even though I've been working a lot of overtime and doing a lot of serious work. I'm a chronic overachiever and a perfectionist and so I'll never really be able to accurately gauge how well I'm doing. Hearing it from my manager, especially at a time where I feel like I'm slacking because I'm so swamped, was really helpful.

My brother is going through some shit. That's hard for me. He reached out to me, as well as a pastor, and my family is afraid that he's thinking about suicide. I don't even know what to say. I don't deal well with emotions in general - especially other people's. I don't understand them and it's hard when you're not in that person's head. I just don't know what to tell him and we've never been particularly close so that makes it awkward. But, he's my brother, so I'll do what I have to do. We'll have lunch on Sunday afternoon. I'll report back.

I'm having other issues, too, but I'd rather not talk about them here. They're a little too personal and you never know who's reading, so I'll save them for my written journal.

Some things are good, though. I'm actively participating in the world of online dating, but in a way that feels healthy. I'm talking to several guys, but I'm not wrapped up in anything and it's all very casual. I'm planning on walking or walk/running a half marathon with some of my girlfriends in San Diego in June. I'm planning a trip to Hawaii around the same time. I'm trying to do things this year that I normally wouldn't do. I'm just hoping this funk is only a weeklong thing and nothing permanent. It sucks to begin the new year in a foul mood.

black death.

Sorry for the radio silence, I've been disgustingly sick. Went home from work with a temperature of 102 degrees, ended up passing out in bed. Fever with alternating chills, absolutely no appetite, sweating like crazy, and in extreme pain throughout my whole body. Tres annoying. I'm slightly better now - and back at work. Yay! (That was sarcasm, btw)

I hate when I get sick because I never want to do anything. I missed roomie's birthday dinner and had to cancel my drink plans for tonight. All I've been doing is watching shitty TV and wallowing. My room is a complete mess and I have no clean clothing. What a way to start 2010! TG is blowing up my phone like whoa - tons of texts from him. It started New Year's Eve Eve and has continued every day since then. I wonder what's up with him.

Speaking of that, I'm booking my flights today for California. Decided to do 9 days out there, escape the cold, hang out with my friends. I think I'll stay in SF and do the shuttle thing - I don't really want to rent a car. My friends will have a Super Bowl shindig, so that'll be fun and then I'll have Freshman Year Best Friend show me around the East Bay. I'll fly back on V-day and avoid all that awkwardness by spending 6 hours in the air in addition to the 3 hours I'll lose for time zone changes. Score!

I'm a woman with a plan. =)

oh noes... i'm sick.

I think I'm starting to get sick and I'm afraid it could be the dreaded F word that will not be spoken. Of course I'm at work because I have some urgent shit to handle and everyone (and I mean everyone) is on vacation - literally, my whole team. I plan on putting my nose to the grindstone and getting my shit done and then peacing out to go to bed. I need to start getting more sleep.

I know I said I was going to start focusing on myself and not other people, but I just have to share this because it's on my mind. Everyone and their mother is getting married. I'm serious. I'm not even talking about my peer group, I'm talking about people younger than me and those still in school. Marriage is taking over! I'm fascinated by this whole thing. Anyway, to bring it back to me - I've been corresponding with a young man via the interwebs, haha. We'll see how it goes. It's the most contact I've had with a man in almost a year. Slowly but surely dipping my toe back into that pool. At least I'm keeping one of my resolutions!

i really don't understand human relationships.

I think if I could ask one question to all the men I've ever known, it would be this: what the hell do you want from me? I seriously can't understand a lot of the interactions I've had with men in my life and they weigh on me on a daily basis.

Last night, around 1:30AM I got a text from TG. "It's going to be a crazy evening, how did this happen. I'm a respectable boy damnit! Sry!" I just don't get it. I thought he was dating someone - I still think he's dating someone - so why doesn't he talk to her? Why doesn't he tell her this shit? I think I need to start setting boundaries around my relationships with men. There are things that are appropriate and there are things that are inappropriate (at least in my schema). I can't figure out if he just thinks we're friends and that this is how friends normally behave. Or maybe he can't let go of our wacky relationship and so he keeps on contacting me to keep it up. I just don't know. It's a struggle, a daily struggle. I think I'm a hell of a lot better about him than I have been in the past, but I honestly think one of these days I'm just going to ask him that question - what the hell do you want from me? That way I can adjust my behavior accordingly.

Then there are the boys that are nice to me and I don't know why. There are certain men in my life that have done some really stellar things for me, who've treated me better than anyone I've dated and yet they have never made any moves on me. I want to know why. When I talk to my guy friends and tell them some of my stories, I hear the same thing - "Duh, of course so-and-so has feelings for you. I wouldn't be that nice to any of my female friends." I don't even know what to believe. Maybe there are guys out there that are that nice. I believe that there are platonic relationships between heterosexual men and women. I'm not one of those people who thinks that every guy who opens a door for you wants to get in your pants, but I also wonder if there's a line. I mean, there are nice gestures and then there are nice gestures. There are some things I think you wouldn't do for anyone that you didn't care about on a certain level.

Anyway, all of this is moot because it's not like any of these men are currently in the same space that I am. I just think about these things when I'm bored or when I get 1am text messages from ex-flames. Oh, the ramblings of a deranged, 24 year old spinster. =)

happy 2010!

My New Years Eve festivities went smoothly - I looked hot, had fun with my friends, and did some serious dancing. I can barely remember the night, it was such a blur, but I'm really happy that College BFF came to visit. It was nice to explore Manhattan with her and to have fun dancing and drinking. Also, I've had a serious lack of intellectual conversation around race and dating and the single life lately, so it was nice to talk to someone about all of that fun stuff.

Now for the resolutions! I did something different this year and made broader resolutions that aren't as specific as I usually like. They're more like guidelines for my 2010 lifestyle. They are as follows:

1. Stop focusing on other people's lives and focus on your own. I spend too much time looking at how the other half lives. That needs to stop. I need to stop obsessing over what TG is doing or what my friends are doing and instead think about me. The only person's behavior whom I can control is my own and I need to start doing more of that, instead of comparing my lifestyle to others. Because I'll always come up short. Instead, I plan on being me and doing the things I like to do. It's all about living up to my own standards and not anyone else's.
2. Find your dream job and do what you can to get it. This is the year where I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. I still have yet to decide what my path is and the clock is ticking. This year I want to figure out what direction my career needs to take in order to be happy and fulfilled.
3. Treat your body like a temple. Simple enough - I need to stop eating shit, start exercising, and presenting myself in my best light. No more excessive drinking around the apartment, ordering unhealthy takeout, and living a sedentary lifestyle. More walking, more exercising, more cooking healthy meals. I can see signs of wear and tear on my body and I'm only 24. It's time to start combating some of that.
4. Do something each day to enrich your mind. Whether it's listening to a podcast, reading an educational article, or learning a new skill, I want every day to contain some action that improves my mind. There are so many interesting topics out there to explore and I want to make sure that I'm not being stagnant, especially since I'm no longer in an academic environment.
5. Focus on forming healthy relationships with men. I need to rethink the way I approach dating and relationships. I need to realize that there is a middle ground - I don't have to either swear off men or be consumed with them. When I date, I want to hold off on the physical a little bit and focus on making myself the best partner I can be in ways that don't include taking off my clothing. I want to be a more secure, self-assured person, who takes risks while dating but doesn't engage in risky behavior or date a man just because he's interested in me. I need to look harder at the types of men I let into my life.

So those are my resolutions. Wish me luck in 2010!