Chilling out in my bedroom on a Sunday afternoon. I'm watching a special on prostitution in Honolulu during WWII because it combines my two greatest loves - sex and history. I swear I'm cracked. I did something totally outside of my box today - I signed up for a speed dating event. I'm terrified since I'll be going alone, but I think it'll be fun. It's for people 23-36, so there shouldn't be any creepy men my dad's age there. Who knows? Maybe I'll meet someone and we'll fall in love and it'll be awesome. Maybe not.
I've decided that even though I'm moving in T minus 6 months, I want to enjoy the rest of my time here. I've found that so often, I live for the future, instead of living in the present. Just because I'm moving cross country soon does not mean that I have to put my life on hiatus. I need to start living in the moment, instead of thinking that my life will begin at some time in the future. Oh, I'll start exercising at the beginning of the month. Oh, I'll date more when I'm in California. Oh, I'll make new friends and put myself out there after the move. It's bunk! I need to start doing things right now or I'm never going to do them. There will always be some mystical future in which I'll start living my best life. And then one day, I'll wake up and I'll be 87 years old and realize that I never did all of those things I wanted to do now.
It's time to start living my life.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
everybody's changing and i don't feel the same.
There are about three songs that make me happy no matter what mood I'm in. Lady Gaga's "Just Dance," Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA," and Hannah Montana/Miley's "Nobody's Perfect." Yes, I'm aware there are many things wrong with those three choices, but I love them nonetheless. They just instantly perk me up. Lately, my iPod has been playing these three tunes on overload. I've been crazy moody lately - it's so hard to put my finger on what's wrong. I had a horrible "I miss TG" relapse over the past couple of days and it's totally been fucking with my mood. I've been doing far too much internet recon (my little euphemism for stalking) on him lately. I need to stop. Then again, I've recently reintroduced exercise into my life and that's making me incredibly happy, albeit a bit sore.
However, the main thing that's trying my nerves are my friendship insecurities. I know that I should just man up and be honest with my friends about how I see our relationships deteriorating, but I'm a pussy and I can't. So I'll just write about it instead. Lately, some of the strongest relationships I've ever had in my life are being tested and I'm not really sure what to do about it. It's absolutely gut-wrenching to watch your friendship go from 100 to 0 in 60 seconds. Well, maybe 100 to 45. I don't even know what to do. I understand that people drift apart and change, but that's not what this is about. This is about certain events that have transpired in the past 6 months or so and I just can't handle it. I'm afraid that I'll take the easy way out and just justify not fixing this with the fact that I'm going to move in August. I don't want to do that, though. These relationships are incredibly important to me and to be honest, if they ever falter, I don't know if I can believe in human connection anymore.
Then there's the angry side of me. It's like - if your priorities have shifted and changed, then maybe I need to shift and change my priorities. So I've been doing a little bit more of that. Started hanging out with the work girls - it helps take my mind off the fact that sometimes I feel so lonely. Which is ridiculous, as I live in a city that's 30 miles from where I grew up and I know a million people here. But when you feel like you're not as important to people as you once were, it's hard to get over that. Maybe that's just growing up. Maybe it's time for me to find other outlets for my energy, but I don't want to. I just want my friends back. The way it used to be. When I felt like they gave a shit about my feelings and about spending time with me. Oh, well. I'm just going to do me and see where the pieces fall.
However, the main thing that's trying my nerves are my friendship insecurities. I know that I should just man up and be honest with my friends about how I see our relationships deteriorating, but I'm a pussy and I can't. So I'll just write about it instead. Lately, some of the strongest relationships I've ever had in my life are being tested and I'm not really sure what to do about it. It's absolutely gut-wrenching to watch your friendship go from 100 to 0 in 60 seconds. Well, maybe 100 to 45. I don't even know what to do. I understand that people drift apart and change, but that's not what this is about. This is about certain events that have transpired in the past 6 months or so and I just can't handle it. I'm afraid that I'll take the easy way out and just justify not fixing this with the fact that I'm going to move in August. I don't want to do that, though. These relationships are incredibly important to me and to be honest, if they ever falter, I don't know if I can believe in human connection anymore.
Then there's the angry side of me. It's like - if your priorities have shifted and changed, then maybe I need to shift and change my priorities. So I've been doing a little bit more of that. Started hanging out with the work girls - it helps take my mind off the fact that sometimes I feel so lonely. Which is ridiculous, as I live in a city that's 30 miles from where I grew up and I know a million people here. But when you feel like you're not as important to people as you once were, it's hard to get over that. Maybe that's just growing up. Maybe it's time for me to find other outlets for my energy, but I don't want to. I just want my friends back. The way it used to be. When I felt like they gave a shit about my feelings and about spending time with me. Oh, well. I'm just going to do me and see where the pieces fall.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
ivy league d-baggery.
Work is stressful right now - I'm basically doing 12 hour days and not getting a lot of sleep. I come in at 7 or 8am and stay til 7 or 8pm and then go home and work some more, drink a little, and then go to bed. Get up early and repeat. Last night, however, I did some major de-stressing at the Ivy League Mixer (gag).
So to answer your burning question - no, I did not meet my soul mate. I met a talkative New Yorker and then a hottie with a girlfriend. FML. We got there and the first thing roommate said was "God, it's like douche central in here." Yes, yes it was. There was also a man who brought his child! I'm fairly sure he was at the wrong event or didn't really understand what the night was about. Also, there was a guy there who had to be 85. I am not exaggerating AT ALL. He was someone's grandfather for sure. Of course roommate talked to him, as they both were from the same alma mater. God, I love that girl. Seriously - leaving that apartment is going to kill me. It just can't get any better than the living situation I have now. ANYWAY. So we got drinks immediately because that's how we roll. We staked out a spot and after 20 minutes, I got pulled aside to talk to C, a columbia grad who is there for his masters. Nice guy, I guess, but kind of strange. We had some stuff in common - talked about being minorities in America (he was Puerto Rican like my pappy). After a while, his hot friend came over and we chatted for a decent amount of time, during which C headed over to my posse of girls.
His friend was hot - like I totally would've hit it. He appeared interested, but didn't take my number or anything. Later found out via C that he has a girlfriend. Not sure if that was true - maybe he just didn't like me like that, but no sweat off my back. I wasn't emotionally invested or anything. He was just a nice, tall, hot Black guy with an Ivy degree and that shit does not come your way too often. My other friends didn't fare any better. K was talking to a guy that looked like a 70s porn star - mustache and all. My roommate got stuck talking to his equally unappealing friend, who leered at her during the entire conversation.
So by then I'm pretty drunk and they're playing shitty music and I want to dance, so I go and harass the guys who work at the bar. I don't know if you know this about me, but when I get drunk and the music is bad, I will go freaking nuts. I make fun of the DJ, get in his face - it's awful. I should probably stop, but I like doing it too much. The guys at the bar were nice though - considering I was one of about 2 black chicks there and they were black as well, they accommodated my request for hip-hop music. So my girls and I got on the dance floor and had our own little dance party while the rest of the kids stood around. I guess Ivy Leaguers don't dance? While on the dance floor, this girl comes up to roommate and starts dancing with her. Then she leans in and goes "let's do lesbian shit!" My roommate kind of jumped back and the girl was incredibly apologetic, but that shit made me laugh! Who says that to someone? WTF? Anyhow, shortly after that we decided to bounce. We were pretty wasted and we wanted pizza, which we made at home.
It was nice to get out, though. I rarely get the chance to go out with a bunch of girls and dance and flirt and mingle and have a good time. In my last 6 months here, I definitely want to spend more time with my work friends. Even if it means spending the next day dying of a hangover. Which is my current state. Blah. I have a dinner tonight, too. What the hell? I'm supposed to be Miss Anti-Social.
So to answer your burning question - no, I did not meet my soul mate. I met a talkative New Yorker and then a hottie with a girlfriend. FML. We got there and the first thing roommate said was "God, it's like douche central in here." Yes, yes it was. There was also a man who brought his child! I'm fairly sure he was at the wrong event or didn't really understand what the night was about. Also, there was a guy there who had to be 85. I am not exaggerating AT ALL. He was someone's grandfather for sure. Of course roommate talked to him, as they both were from the same alma mater. God, I love that girl. Seriously - leaving that apartment is going to kill me. It just can't get any better than the living situation I have now. ANYWAY. So we got drinks immediately because that's how we roll. We staked out a spot and after 20 minutes, I got pulled aside to talk to C, a columbia grad who is there for his masters. Nice guy, I guess, but kind of strange. We had some stuff in common - talked about being minorities in America (he was Puerto Rican like my pappy). After a while, his hot friend came over and we chatted for a decent amount of time, during which C headed over to my posse of girls.
His friend was hot - like I totally would've hit it. He appeared interested, but didn't take my number or anything. Later found out via C that he has a girlfriend. Not sure if that was true - maybe he just didn't like me like that, but no sweat off my back. I wasn't emotionally invested or anything. He was just a nice, tall, hot Black guy with an Ivy degree and that shit does not come your way too often. My other friends didn't fare any better. K was talking to a guy that looked like a 70s porn star - mustache and all. My roommate got stuck talking to his equally unappealing friend, who leered at her during the entire conversation.
So by then I'm pretty drunk and they're playing shitty music and I want to dance, so I go and harass the guys who work at the bar. I don't know if you know this about me, but when I get drunk and the music is bad, I will go freaking nuts. I make fun of the DJ, get in his face - it's awful. I should probably stop, but I like doing it too much. The guys at the bar were nice though - considering I was one of about 2 black chicks there and they were black as well, they accommodated my request for hip-hop music. So my girls and I got on the dance floor and had our own little dance party while the rest of the kids stood around. I guess Ivy Leaguers don't dance? While on the dance floor, this girl comes up to roommate and starts dancing with her. Then she leans in and goes "let's do lesbian shit!" My roommate kind of jumped back and the girl was incredibly apologetic, but that shit made me laugh! Who says that to someone? WTF? Anyhow, shortly after that we decided to bounce. We were pretty wasted and we wanted pizza, which we made at home.
It was nice to get out, though. I rarely get the chance to go out with a bunch of girls and dance and flirt and mingle and have a good time. In my last 6 months here, I definitely want to spend more time with my work friends. Even if it means spending the next day dying of a hangover. Which is my current state. Blah. I have a dinner tonight, too. What the hell? I'm supposed to be Miss Anti-Social.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
in which i realize i am so not comfortable with human emotions.
So I'm kickin it at home this weekend, per my brother's request. He's been having a lot of issues lately and he wanted to talk to my parents about them. Although we're not close at all, I agreed to come along for moral support. Last night was the big showdown. It was awkward as fuck.
Basically, it felt like I was watching a couple's intimate home videos. It's like - all this really intense feeling and emotion, but it has nothing to do with you. You want to look at it, because it's playing on TV, but at the same time you don't want to look, because you feel like it's something that should be strictly between the two people on the tape. I mostly looked at my hands and my laptop stickers for an hour while my brother confessed 10 years of awkward feelings. I think it would've been easier if he was coming out, but alas, he's pretty heterosexual. Instead, it was all of these uncomfortable emotions. The whole time I was sitting there, I wondered if having children was worth it. It seems like you have so much potential to just fuck them up. I feel like if my parents - who didn't abuse or neglect us - can raise a child with so much angst, then God only knows what other children go through.
I've just never been good at dealing with people crying or being upset or angry. I totally shut down. I'm never sure if I should comfort the person physically or just let them cry or what. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it. I guess a lot of it stems from the fact that our family is pretty stoic. Well, I guess stoic isn't the right word, but we're not really feelings people. At least in the sense that we don't talk about them with each other. We laugh, we joke, we make fun, and we're incredibly fucking sarcastic with one another (that's how I got my violently sharp tongue), but we don't talk about our woes or our troubles. Maybe that's a bad thing, but I don't know. My oldest brother just isn't like that. I think he's more into the emotional side of things. I guess I can be, too, but I don't bring that shit home. I have enough outlets (my friends, this blog), where I feel like I can express myself, so I don't need to do it at home. I don't think my brother has those, which is sad. I really hope he can find some comfort outside of our immediate family because I just don't think my mother and father are ever going to be that for him.
On the bright side, I'm proud of him for putting himself out there and confessing the things that have been troubling him. It seems like that's Step 1 on his personal journey (god, I sound like a fucking New Age hippie. Shoot me) and hopefully it'll make him a more open, secure person. I'm glad it's all said and done because I think it's been weighing on him a lot.
Ah, family. It's never simple, is it?
Basically, it felt like I was watching a couple's intimate home videos. It's like - all this really intense feeling and emotion, but it has nothing to do with you. You want to look at it, because it's playing on TV, but at the same time you don't want to look, because you feel like it's something that should be strictly between the two people on the tape. I mostly looked at my hands and my laptop stickers for an hour while my brother confessed 10 years of awkward feelings. I think it would've been easier if he was coming out, but alas, he's pretty heterosexual. Instead, it was all of these uncomfortable emotions. The whole time I was sitting there, I wondered if having children was worth it. It seems like you have so much potential to just fuck them up. I feel like if my parents - who didn't abuse or neglect us - can raise a child with so much angst, then God only knows what other children go through.
I've just never been good at dealing with people crying or being upset or angry. I totally shut down. I'm never sure if I should comfort the person physically or just let them cry or what. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it. I guess a lot of it stems from the fact that our family is pretty stoic. Well, I guess stoic isn't the right word, but we're not really feelings people. At least in the sense that we don't talk about them with each other. We laugh, we joke, we make fun, and we're incredibly fucking sarcastic with one another (that's how I got my violently sharp tongue), but we don't talk about our woes or our troubles. Maybe that's a bad thing, but I don't know. My oldest brother just isn't like that. I think he's more into the emotional side of things. I guess I can be, too, but I don't bring that shit home. I have enough outlets (my friends, this blog), where I feel like I can express myself, so I don't need to do it at home. I don't think my brother has those, which is sad. I really hope he can find some comfort outside of our immediate family because I just don't think my mother and father are ever going to be that for him.
On the bright side, I'm proud of him for putting himself out there and confessing the things that have been troubling him. It seems like that's Step 1 on his personal journey (god, I sound like a fucking New Age hippie. Shoot me) and hopefully it'll make him a more open, secure person. I'm glad it's all said and done because I think it's been weighing on him a lot.
Ah, family. It's never simple, is it?
Friday, February 19, 2010
random musings on a friday.
I've started writing this post about 8 times. I just can't seem to get my thoughts together right now. So instead, the top 3 things in my head at this moment.
- I am so fucked when it comes to work. I'm way past deadline on something that is essentially the essence of my job. And yet, I come in early every day and leave late most evenings. What the hell is going on? Can we get some headcount for a new person?
- I eat a lot of yogurt. Like, a lot. I must have the healthiest vagina on God's green earth. I also strangely can't stand flavored yogurt. I want the kind of tart, plain Greek stuff only. I have weird eating habits, this is true.
- I think I've hit rock bottom. My friends at work have decided we're going to an Ivy League mixer next week. I want to puke when I think of the epic levels of douchebaggery that will be on display at this event. I'm hoping I just get sauced and go home with someone. Win-Win!
Well, I was going to do 5 things, but apparently there's not much in my head but empty space! Back to work...
Thursday, February 18, 2010
this week is no joke!
I've been working incredibly long hours this past week, yet somehow I don't mind. I think I'm starting to enjoy my job. Huh - how about that?! Don't get me wrong - I don't want to work this hard on a regular basis - I'd still like to have a social life - but I'm not minding the hours or the work, which is a good thing. As I approach 25, I really need to take a good hard look at my life and one of the things that I need to focus on is my career. I don't think I want a career in HR, but my life is looking like it's going more in the business-y, MBA-type direction than the legal one. I need to come to terms with that since it's so contrary to what I thought I'd be doing.
I've been thinking about higher education lately and what kind of degree I'd like. It seems like in today's world you need that higher level of education, beyond just the bachelor's degree. I don't think I really want an MBA, but who knows? I'll probably talk to my friend over at Legal MBAyhem about it. If I don't do that, then I'm thinking a masters in something like Communications, which is a field I've recently become interested in.
I guess that's what this year is for - preparation. Making some minor (and major) changes in my life that will set me up for the next step. Moving to California, angling for a promotion, trying to eat healthier and take care of my body - all these things are setting me up for the next phase in my life. I want to be ready.
I've been thinking about higher education lately and what kind of degree I'd like. It seems like in today's world you need that higher level of education, beyond just the bachelor's degree. I don't think I really want an MBA, but who knows? I'll probably talk to my friend over at Legal MBAyhem about it. If I don't do that, then I'm thinking a masters in something like Communications, which is a field I've recently become interested in.
I guess that's what this year is for - preparation. Making some minor (and major) changes in my life that will set me up for the next step. Moving to California, angling for a promotion, trying to eat healthier and take care of my body - all these things are setting me up for the next phase in my life. I want to be ready.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
finally... updating on California in re: TG
Wow, that title sounds so lame, but whatevs I can't be bothered to think up a new one. Of course, I'm supposed to be doing tons of work right now, but I want to be a little lazy and update before the day gets banana cakes (that's CJspeak for crazy). I promised I would discuss what went down between me and TG. So as discussed, we made plans to hang out on the Monday night that I was staying in SF. Freshman Year Best Friend said that where he decided to take me was crucial in regards to his feelings for me. I thought that was dumb, but hey - he's a boy, maybe he knows better than I do.
So we went to a cute Italian date place for dinner and then the Top of the Mark Hotel, a swanky place to get drinks and catch views of the city. It was nice, but something was slightly off. We talked about my moving to SF. He was questioning if it was the right thing and why I was doing it. Maybe he's nervous about how it will affect our friendship/hookup-ship or whatever it is we're doing. He also told me he never really realized how serious my blood clot thing was until after I had moved away. Then we got back to my hotel, slightly tipsy and got into it right away. No sex, just lots of other stuff. We finished up and cuddled for a bit. I kissed him on the cheek and he told me not to get too sentimental. I told him I could get as sentimental as I liked. I asked him if he was going to stay over and he said he couldn't because of work. I got pretty pissed off about that and he tried to calm me down and said that we would definitely see each other again. He whipped out his phone (ha! did you think I was going to say something else... dirty!) and we made plans for Thursday night.
On Wednesday he pinged me excitedly on gChat and said he would stay over on Thursday night. He'd just bring his stuff to my hotel and we'd hang out from there. He came over right on time and dropped his stuff and we decided to get dinner somewhere nearby because I didn't feel like walking or taking MUNI. We had a nice dinner, much more comfortable than Monday night. Then we got back into the hotel and he wanted to watch some TV and rest his back (he's in physical therapy for an accident he had). I was kind of restless and really wanted to have sex, but he kept putting me off. The whole time it felt like we were an old married couple. Light cuddling while we watched a special on curling (WTF?!) and Colonel Sanders' chicken recipe (double WTF?!). He read blogs and e-mails on his phone most of the time. FINALLY, I got him to put the moves on me. Afterwards, he had the biggest smile on his face. "Why are you smiling?" I asked him. "I was just thinking that today is a good day. I met LeVar Burton and I got laid." HAHA, quote of the night. He wanted to watch more television, so we did that for a bit. I was so nervous that he was bored the whole time, but he told me he was just really comfortable and doing the things he would normally do post-work. I don't know. We cuddled some more and went to sleep.
I woke him up pretty early on Friday morning because I like morning sex, haha. Whatever, he was pretty excited in the morning anyway, so I don't feel too badly about it. Afterwards we cuddled a little and then did our shower rotations and got ready together in the hotel. He headed off to his dentist appointment and kissed me goodbye. We made tentative plans to hang out (he wanted me to take him to get his eyebrows waxed or threaded - hahahahaha, still dying at that), but nothing concrete. Of course, it didn't pan out as we were both busy and tired on Saturday, so that was the last time I saw him.
While I was there, I definitely had thoughts that maybe this isn't what I want. To be with him, I mean. Maybe it's just a comfort thing. There was this lack of spark when I saw him. I mean, it was nice and comfortable and everything, but I don't know. I talked to Senior Year Roommate on the phone last night and she asked a lot of good questions. She pointed out that maybe he's just a starter relationship and that I should be looking for more. I think everyone I know thinks I should be looking for more. The problem is, when you're so far away from someone it's easy to romanticize the relationship and forget about the negatives. Being there in CA with him kind of reminded me of some of those negatives. So I think at this point, I'm just not going to stress about it, but I'm going to try and at least start mixing and mingling with men in NYC so that I have some distractions from him. Especially since I know he's dating other people (as I'm writing this, a tweet comes in from him about trying to hang out with some girl who was "busy" all this past weekend). It doesn't upset me the way it used to, but it definitely makes me want to put myself out there. I'm not sitting here pining for him, but the less I get out there the more he's the only male interaction I get and that just isn't balanced.
Good lord, this was long. Back to work!
So we went to a cute Italian date place for dinner and then the Top of the Mark Hotel, a swanky place to get drinks and catch views of the city. It was nice, but something was slightly off. We talked about my moving to SF. He was questioning if it was the right thing and why I was doing it. Maybe he's nervous about how it will affect our friendship/hookup-ship or whatever it is we're doing. He also told me he never really realized how serious my blood clot thing was until after I had moved away. Then we got back to my hotel, slightly tipsy and got into it right away. No sex, just lots of other stuff. We finished up and cuddled for a bit. I kissed him on the cheek and he told me not to get too sentimental. I told him I could get as sentimental as I liked. I asked him if he was going to stay over and he said he couldn't because of work. I got pretty pissed off about that and he tried to calm me down and said that we would definitely see each other again. He whipped out his phone (ha! did you think I was going to say something else... dirty!) and we made plans for Thursday night.
On Wednesday he pinged me excitedly on gChat and said he would stay over on Thursday night. He'd just bring his stuff to my hotel and we'd hang out from there. He came over right on time and dropped his stuff and we decided to get dinner somewhere nearby because I didn't feel like walking or taking MUNI. We had a nice dinner, much more comfortable than Monday night. Then we got back into the hotel and he wanted to watch some TV and rest his back (he's in physical therapy for an accident he had). I was kind of restless and really wanted to have sex, but he kept putting me off. The whole time it felt like we were an old married couple. Light cuddling while we watched a special on curling (WTF?!) and Colonel Sanders' chicken recipe (double WTF?!). He read blogs and e-mails on his phone most of the time. FINALLY, I got him to put the moves on me. Afterwards, he had the biggest smile on his face. "Why are you smiling?" I asked him. "I was just thinking that today is a good day. I met LeVar Burton and I got laid." HAHA, quote of the night. He wanted to watch more television, so we did that for a bit. I was so nervous that he was bored the whole time, but he told me he was just really comfortable and doing the things he would normally do post-work. I don't know. We cuddled some more and went to sleep.
I woke him up pretty early on Friday morning because I like morning sex, haha. Whatever, he was pretty excited in the morning anyway, so I don't feel too badly about it. Afterwards we cuddled a little and then did our shower rotations and got ready together in the hotel. He headed off to his dentist appointment and kissed me goodbye. We made tentative plans to hang out (he wanted me to take him to get his eyebrows waxed or threaded - hahahahaha, still dying at that), but nothing concrete. Of course, it didn't pan out as we were both busy and tired on Saturday, so that was the last time I saw him.
While I was there, I definitely had thoughts that maybe this isn't what I want. To be with him, I mean. Maybe it's just a comfort thing. There was this lack of spark when I saw him. I mean, it was nice and comfortable and everything, but I don't know. I talked to Senior Year Roommate on the phone last night and she asked a lot of good questions. She pointed out that maybe he's just a starter relationship and that I should be looking for more. I think everyone I know thinks I should be looking for more. The problem is, when you're so far away from someone it's easy to romanticize the relationship and forget about the negatives. Being there in CA with him kind of reminded me of some of those negatives. So I think at this point, I'm just not going to stress about it, but I'm going to try and at least start mixing and mingling with men in NYC so that I have some distractions from him. Especially since I know he's dating other people (as I'm writing this, a tweet comes in from him about trying to hang out with some girl who was "busy" all this past weekend). It doesn't upset me the way it used to, but it definitely makes me want to put myself out there. I'm not sitting here pining for him, but the less I get out there the more he's the only male interaction I get and that just isn't balanced.
Good lord, this was long. Back to work!
Monday, February 15, 2010
ex-sex is taking over my life.
It seems like men are always popping back into my life at the randomest intervals. I don't understand it. In the past 7 days, I've had 2 opportunities to have ex sex - one I took and the other one I'm going to take a pass on.
I think I mentioned that a few weeks back, I stupidly let Tall convince me that texting The Intellectual was a good idea. Now the stupid boy won't leave me alone. I keep getting random ass texts from him, which culminated in "What are you doing on Monday night?" When I said I was busy, he asked about Tuesday. I told him that I thought Tuesday could work and then he wrote back, "Cool. So I'll come over around 9pm?" Ugh. The thought of sleeping with him makes me physically ill. I figured he just wanted to go out for coffee or something, not jump my bones. So now I don't know how to respond. I thought about it for a little bit. Sleeping with him is intriguing. He's good in bed, he has the biggest penis I've ever seen in my life (double digits, people!) and he's built like a Greek god. The pelvic lines, he has the pelvic lines! Just going over it right now is making me want to change my mind, but I know I won't. You know why? Because I think after 24 years on this earth, I finally respect myself enough not to sleep with men who couldn't give two shits about me. It took a long time, a lot of hookups and mistakes, but I think I've finally gotten to the point where I can't let just anyone touch me.
Which brings me back to ex sex situation #1 - Tech Guy. Many of my friends want to know why that's different. Why I feel perfectly fine sleeping with him and I don't even hesitate when we're together. I guess it's because I know that there is genuine emotion there. I'm not saying it's the healthiest arrangement ever, but I will say this. The boy treats me with respect and respects all of me. When I come to SF, he doesn't make late night booty call arrangements with me. He takes me to dinner, he takes me to get drinks, and he only tries to get in my pants when he knows it's what I want. He doesn't assume that I'm going to just throw my panties at him. He asks me about my life and he tells me about his. He listens to my advice and really values what I have to say. He knows my body and my moods and what I like. He knows that I like it first thing in the morning and that I will wake him up for it and even when he's tired, he'll put in the effort. He tells me that I'm beautiful every time I see him, no matter what and he gets up early to text me before my plane takes off. He may not be perfect, we may have a rocky past, but goddamnit he doesn't treat me like a whore.
And that's why I will pass up the rock hard Adonis for the cuddly, squishy, nerdy engineer. Because when you stack them both up, it's quite clear which one comes out on top.
I think I mentioned that a few weeks back, I stupidly let Tall convince me that texting The Intellectual was a good idea. Now the stupid boy won't leave me alone. I keep getting random ass texts from him, which culminated in "What are you doing on Monday night?" When I said I was busy, he asked about Tuesday. I told him that I thought Tuesday could work and then he wrote back, "Cool. So I'll come over around 9pm?" Ugh. The thought of sleeping with him makes me physically ill. I figured he just wanted to go out for coffee or something, not jump my bones. So now I don't know how to respond. I thought about it for a little bit. Sleeping with him is intriguing. He's good in bed, he has the biggest penis I've ever seen in my life (double digits, people!) and he's built like a Greek god. The pelvic lines, he has the pelvic lines! Just going over it right now is making me want to change my mind, but I know I won't. You know why? Because I think after 24 years on this earth, I finally respect myself enough not to sleep with men who couldn't give two shits about me. It took a long time, a lot of hookups and mistakes, but I think I've finally gotten to the point where I can't let just anyone touch me.
Which brings me back to ex sex situation #1 - Tech Guy. Many of my friends want to know why that's different. Why I feel perfectly fine sleeping with him and I don't even hesitate when we're together. I guess it's because I know that there is genuine emotion there. I'm not saying it's the healthiest arrangement ever, but I will say this. The boy treats me with respect and respects all of me. When I come to SF, he doesn't make late night booty call arrangements with me. He takes me to dinner, he takes me to get drinks, and he only tries to get in my pants when he knows it's what I want. He doesn't assume that I'm going to just throw my panties at him. He asks me about my life and he tells me about his. He listens to my advice and really values what I have to say. He knows my body and my moods and what I like. He knows that I like it first thing in the morning and that I will wake him up for it and even when he's tired, he'll put in the effort. He tells me that I'm beautiful every time I see him, no matter what and he gets up early to text me before my plane takes off. He may not be perfect, we may have a rocky past, but goddamnit he doesn't treat me like a whore.
And that's why I will pass up the rock hard Adonis for the cuddly, squishy, nerdy engineer. Because when you stack them both up, it's quite clear which one comes out on top.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
wow. california kept me really busy.
I don't think I could get everything I want to talk about into this entry - it would be too long and rambly. Basically, this week in San Francisco was amazing and makes me think that I'm doing the right thing in terms of moving there. I guess I was kind of treating this as a trial run to see if it felt right and it did. There will definitely have to be things that are different - I want to be more extroverted and get involved more and be more social, but I really like the rhythm and order that my life takes on when I'm there.
I saw Tech Guy, of course. It was... interesting. I'll leave it at that. Sex was had and cuddling and long talks. The usual drama, too - he can be so immature and wishy-washy. I don't want to talk about that now, though. I'll save that for tomorrow.
Lately, I've been feeling like it's time to move on, to grow up, and be a stronger person. I think this decision is huge in terms of that. It feels like the first time that I'm making proactive change in my life, instead of just going with the tide. Making a conscious decision to do something for my future. It feels really good. I think I need to use the next 6-7 months to do some planning and make sure I do this the right way.
I had a lot of discussions with MB this week, which was nice. One of the things we talked about was my desire to always pick the difficult choice because I like to make my life harder for some reason. I'm trying to figure out where that desire comes from. It's one of the things I most love and hate about myself. Maybe it's that whole "the sweet is never as sweet without the sour" thing. Either way, I want to start analyzing my actions and telling myself that it's okay to do the simple thing sometimes, if it feels right. Everyone's gotta have goals.
Okay, that's the serious stuff. The sexxy stuff is for tomorrow! =)
I saw Tech Guy, of course. It was... interesting. I'll leave it at that. Sex was had and cuddling and long talks. The usual drama, too - he can be so immature and wishy-washy. I don't want to talk about that now, though. I'll save that for tomorrow.
Lately, I've been feeling like it's time to move on, to grow up, and be a stronger person. I think this decision is huge in terms of that. It feels like the first time that I'm making proactive change in my life, instead of just going with the tide. Making a conscious decision to do something for my future. It feels really good. I think I need to use the next 6-7 months to do some planning and make sure I do this the right way.
I had a lot of discussions with MB this week, which was nice. One of the things we talked about was my desire to always pick the difficult choice because I like to make my life harder for some reason. I'm trying to figure out where that desire comes from. It's one of the things I most love and hate about myself. Maybe it's that whole "the sweet is never as sweet without the sour" thing. Either way, I want to start analyzing my actions and telling myself that it's okay to do the simple thing sometimes, if it feels right. Everyone's gotta have goals.
Okay, that's the serious stuff. The sexxy stuff is for tomorrow! =)
Sunday, February 7, 2010
in san francisco!
Loving it right now - it's so warm here compared to back home! And it's pretty and I'm right near the water. So much has been going on and I literally just got here. From the second I got off the plane it's been drama. First off, my parents now know I'm moving to CA and I didn't tell them. That was crazy and I still haven't dealt with it. I don't know what to say. I don't know if they're upset that the heard it secondhand or if they're nervous that something is going on. I don't know. I don't care to find out either - I'm going to avoid answering those questions like the plague. Also, HI I live in a really small town and I'm never telling anyone anything again, lol. We'll deal with that can of worms a little later.
Yesterday was fun - dinner with MB and then drinks with MB and Freshman Year Best Friend. I drank a little too much and that, coupled with the lack of sleep and jetlag made me really loopy. I couldn't stop laughing at everything - it was nuts. I spent today in Berkeley/Oakland with FYBF. We walked around Berkeley's campus and then went to brunch at this place called La Note. Amazing French brunch - so delicious! Then we drove up to Oakland Hills. The views up there are spectacular and the whole town was so pretty. Gin and ginger ales on the balcony at FYBF's apartment and then I headed back to the city to check into my hotel. Love the hotel - right on the Embarcadero, steps away from the SF office and I can see the Bay Bridge and the water from my room. Love it. =)
Boy drama - of course. So, I texted TG last night while drunk. No response. This morning he was blowing up my twitter feed, though (God, I love how absolutely idiotic that sounds...). Then we were texting back and forth all day while he went out drinking with friends at a bar. Not going to lie, it got a little dirty, but nothing too bad. I took a little nap and then woke to a text from him telling me I needed to come over to the bar right away. I told him I was in my undies in bed. He told me that I needed to come over and that underwear-time could wait for later. So I start to get ready and all that and we text back and forth and then when I finally agree to come over and ask if it's okay he calls me and he's like, "I'm afraid you'll be disappointed. Maybe this isn't a good idea. I've been drinking all day and I don't want you to come out here just to say hello. I have my bike with me and it'll take a while to get home." Yada, yada. I just don't understand what the hell he wants. College BFF says he was just drunk and probably worried I wanted to have sex and that he wasn't *ahem* up to it. I don't know. We'll see. We're going out tomorrow for dinner and drinks, so I guess I'll know then. Will keep you posted.
Yesterday was fun - dinner with MB and then drinks with MB and Freshman Year Best Friend. I drank a little too much and that, coupled with the lack of sleep and jetlag made me really loopy. I couldn't stop laughing at everything - it was nuts. I spent today in Berkeley/Oakland with FYBF. We walked around Berkeley's campus and then went to brunch at this place called La Note. Amazing French brunch - so delicious! Then we drove up to Oakland Hills. The views up there are spectacular and the whole town was so pretty. Gin and ginger ales on the balcony at FYBF's apartment and then I headed back to the city to check into my hotel. Love the hotel - right on the Embarcadero, steps away from the SF office and I can see the Bay Bridge and the water from my room. Love it. =)
Boy drama - of course. So, I texted TG last night while drunk. No response. This morning he was blowing up my twitter feed, though (God, I love how absolutely idiotic that sounds...). Then we were texting back and forth all day while he went out drinking with friends at a bar. Not going to lie, it got a little dirty, but nothing too bad. I took a little nap and then woke to a text from him telling me I needed to come over to the bar right away. I told him I was in my undies in bed. He told me that I needed to come over and that underwear-time could wait for later. So I start to get ready and all that and we text back and forth and then when I finally agree to come over and ask if it's okay he calls me and he's like, "I'm afraid you'll be disappointed. Maybe this isn't a good idea. I've been drinking all day and I don't want you to come out here just to say hello. I have my bike with me and it'll take a while to get home." Yada, yada. I just don't understand what the hell he wants. College BFF says he was just drunk and probably worried I wanted to have sex and that he wasn't *ahem* up to it. I don't know. We'll see. We're going out tomorrow for dinner and drinks, so I guess I'll know then. Will keep you posted.
Friday, February 5, 2010
my life is always a shitshow, i love it.
Okay, so last night I went out drinking with Tall. Tall is one my Mock Trial buddies, totally platonic friendship. I hate that I have to qualify that but I feel like every chick I know assumes if you're getting drinks with a guy that one of you has ulterior motives. Not so in this case. We went to this swanky bar in the Financial District, which is where we both live. I don't know how, but somehow 3 cocktails had me pretty drunk. Not crazy drunk or anything, but my head was kind of spinning. Tall said I seemed fine, though. I'm always amazed at how well I hold my shit together when I'm blitzed out of my mind. I think that's step 1 to becoming a functioning alcoholic. I'm almost there you guys!!!
Anyway, while doing the drinks thing we talked about a bunch of different topics and then the discussion turned to dating. I don't know why I thought this was a good idea, but I allowed him to convince me to text The Intellectual, on a bet. I honestly did not think homeboy would respond and I would win the bet. So I texted him. I didn't hear anything for 10-15 minutes, so Tall and I went to grab pizza and went our respective ways. I get home, amuse my roommates with my drunkenness and then faceplant onto my bed. That's when I get a text message. I'm thinking it's The Intellectual being like WTF. Instead, nope - it's TG. Here's what he says "I'm looking forward to seeing you Monday, i'm date free now too." So in my drunkenness, I write back "I looking forward to seeing you too. What happened? If you're date free, you can see my hotel. It's pretty ;-)" And by hotel, I mean vagina. Wait?! What?! Who said that? Hahaha. I'm crazy - you should all know this. So um yeah. I don't know what that's about. This kid has been flip-flopping for a while, so I need to get to the bottom of this.
THEN, while I'm in the middle of that conversation, The Intellectual writes back. It is at that moment that I realize I have no desire to text him, talk to him or booty call him. So I write something awkward back. Haha. My life is ridiculous. I'm really hoping we leave it at those 2 text messages and that he doesn't try and contact me again or else this shit is going to be awkward.
Moral of the story: Don't drink and text. Stay safe, kiddies. =)
Anyway, while doing the drinks thing we talked about a bunch of different topics and then the discussion turned to dating. I don't know why I thought this was a good idea, but I allowed him to convince me to text The Intellectual, on a bet. I honestly did not think homeboy would respond and I would win the bet. So I texted him. I didn't hear anything for 10-15 minutes, so Tall and I went to grab pizza and went our respective ways. I get home, amuse my roommates with my drunkenness and then faceplant onto my bed. That's when I get a text message. I'm thinking it's The Intellectual being like WTF. Instead, nope - it's TG. Here's what he says "I'm looking forward to seeing you Monday, i'm date free now too." So in my drunkenness, I write back "I looking forward to seeing you too. What happened? If you're date free, you can see my hotel. It's pretty ;-)" And by hotel, I mean vagina. Wait?! What?! Who said that? Hahaha. I'm crazy - you should all know this. So um yeah. I don't know what that's about. This kid has been flip-flopping for a while, so I need to get to the bottom of this.
THEN, while I'm in the middle of that conversation, The Intellectual writes back. It is at that moment that I realize I have no desire to text him, talk to him or booty call him. So I write something awkward back. Haha. My life is ridiculous. I'm really hoping we leave it at those 2 text messages and that he doesn't try and contact me again or else this shit is going to be awkward.
Moral of the story: Don't drink and text. Stay safe, kiddies. =)
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
musings on relationships and love.
Just had a whiskey sour and my head is spinning. I'm horribly bored, so why not blog? Tonight was fun - dinner for Jammerz' birthday. Love him. God, I'm going to miss my New York loves when I head back to the Left Coast.
I don't know how I feel about moving, but I know I'm excited for the adventure. I think it'll be a lot easier this time, since I've already lived in SF and done that whole thing. There are definitely some area of my life that will have to be different, but I'm cool with that. I want to get more involved at work and do all the social activities they have there. Be a friendlier, more approachable person.
I want a family. Is that weird? To want to prioritize that? I'm not saying I want to go out to SF and get married within a year or any of that, but I do want to find love. I've never really been in love before - I wonder what it feels like. Well, that's a lie. I've definitely been in love before, but not romantic love. I love my friends deeply. In fact, I think part of the reason why I've never really *needed* romantic love was because I love my friends so much. They sustain me and make my life whole. Dating at college was awful, but I didn't mind because I had my girls and it was awesome. I think that will always affect my relationships - I never ever want to ditch my friends over some guy, not even the love of my life. If he's really the love of my life, he'll realize that all of my best friends have made me who I am and supported me and nurtured me on my journey to finding someone to be with for the rest of my life. He won't want me to neglect those relationships because he'll realize that my friendships have made me a better person. A stronger person, a more interesting person.
A lot of my friends are bitter towards men or resigned to being alone. I don't feel that way. I don't think men are inherently bad or anything. I have faith that I'll find someone that gets me and that we'll have that crazy, unconventional relationship I've always dreamed of. The kind of relationship where he gives me space to grow and be myself and hang out with my friends. The kind of relationship where we do our own thing and yet have a rock solid bond. I need a man who has no interest in taming me, but who can handle how strong-willed I am and love me for it. Someone who I can nurture and whose ambition I can support. It kind of sucks that I don't think it'll happen for a while, but I have faith in God and "the universe" and it'll all work out.
Okay, it's midnight. Drunken rant over. =)
I don't know how I feel about moving, but I know I'm excited for the adventure. I think it'll be a lot easier this time, since I've already lived in SF and done that whole thing. There are definitely some area of my life that will have to be different, but I'm cool with that. I want to get more involved at work and do all the social activities they have there. Be a friendlier, more approachable person.
I want a family. Is that weird? To want to prioritize that? I'm not saying I want to go out to SF and get married within a year or any of that, but I do want to find love. I've never really been in love before - I wonder what it feels like. Well, that's a lie. I've definitely been in love before, but not romantic love. I love my friends deeply. In fact, I think part of the reason why I've never really *needed* romantic love was because I love my friends so much. They sustain me and make my life whole. Dating at college was awful, but I didn't mind because I had my girls and it was awesome. I think that will always affect my relationships - I never ever want to ditch my friends over some guy, not even the love of my life. If he's really the love of my life, he'll realize that all of my best friends have made me who I am and supported me and nurtured me on my journey to finding someone to be with for the rest of my life. He won't want me to neglect those relationships because he'll realize that my friendships have made me a better person. A stronger person, a more interesting person.
A lot of my friends are bitter towards men or resigned to being alone. I don't feel that way. I don't think men are inherently bad or anything. I have faith that I'll find someone that gets me and that we'll have that crazy, unconventional relationship I've always dreamed of. The kind of relationship where he gives me space to grow and be myself and hang out with my friends. The kind of relationship where we do our own thing and yet have a rock solid bond. I need a man who has no interest in taming me, but who can handle how strong-willed I am and love me for it. Someone who I can nurture and whose ambition I can support. It kind of sucks that I don't think it'll happen for a while, but I have faith in God and "the universe" and it'll all work out.
Okay, it's midnight. Drunken rant over. =)
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
new news! yay!
Okay, I'm in an insanely good mood right now. I have no idea why. Anyway - I have news. Big news. I'm moving back to SF, most likely in August or September. HOLY SHIT. Cannot believe it - it's crazy. I just asked my boss and she asked our director and now it is done. I'm nervous, but I think this is the first step in my Become A New Person plan. I just feel like living in New York is not helping me grow or become a better person. I want to move to SF, live alone, get a pet, and move along with my life. Start dating again, resuscitate my social life. It all sounds amazing.
In other news, it's over romantically between myself and TG forever and I'm okay with it. He's seeing someone, we talked about it today and I'm surprisingly okay. I thought I'd be upset or that it would dampen my mood, but it really hasn't. I feel like I'm going to move on to bigger and better things and we'll be friends. Well, maybe on the friend thing. We have dinner/drinks plans for next Monday, but it's completely platonic.
In other news, I totally need to get laid, since he's clearly not going to do it. It's only been like 3 months, so I'm not dying, but yes, sex is imperative. Preferably no strings attached booty call sex. Not sure how to make this happen as I've become uninterested in hunting for boys, but I'll think about it and get back to you. =)
In other news, it's over romantically between myself and TG forever and I'm okay with it. He's seeing someone, we talked about it today and I'm surprisingly okay. I thought I'd be upset or that it would dampen my mood, but it really hasn't. I feel like I'm going to move on to bigger and better things and we'll be friends. Well, maybe on the friend thing. We have dinner/drinks plans for next Monday, but it's completely platonic.
In other news, I totally need to get laid, since he's clearly not going to do it. It's only been like 3 months, so I'm not dying, but yes, sex is imperative. Preferably no strings attached booty call sex. Not sure how to make this happen as I've become uninterested in hunting for boys, but I'll think about it and get back to you. =)
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