i had this really awesome entry planned...

... and now I feel like someone is ripping out my insides with a fucking rake. I HATE MY PERIOD.

RAGE FACE!!!!!!!

Okay, calming down. I think my officemate thinks I'm on crack because I just keep whimpering and moaning and yelling out things like "Why does God hate women?!?!?!" Sometimes I can't believe I work in HR. Seriously, I have no control over my mouth. It just runs and runs. It's a miracle I haven't been fired.

Will have a more substantial update when my innards decide to start behaving. In short form news, TG is all up in the my grill. Seriously. Homeboy IMs me EVERY DAY and is all "when are you coming to SF?" "Let's play!" "Let's trade music and chat all day!" I don't understand it. I'm 99% sure he's dating this chick he was into, so will someone tell him to get away? I guess I should do that, but I never do. Why? Because I'm weak.

Back to my pain. ='(

i don't even know where to begin...

Still haven't heard from speed dating boy. Normally I would be bothered by this, but I'm actually relieved. I don't want to have to pretend to be interested in whatever he's selling and I don't want him touching me. I don't know what the fuck has happened to me over the past 6 months or so, but I'm slowly becoming asexual. I've pretty much been a certified nympho since I discovered late night porn on SKINemax, so I'm quite shocked that now I have no desire for sex. Not even with myself. Eek. Maybe I just need therapy. Or a decent man. Anyone know anybody?

I promised I would talk about the dating scavenger hunt. Basically, my sorority sisters (plus a few extras) decided that we need to branch out and put ourselves out there, so we're doing a dating scavenger hunt that will last 6 months. There are 56 items on it and each conquest (defined as either a "real date" or a hookup) gets you a point. Each man (or woman) can count for up to 3 points. So far, I only have 3 points, all for TG. I suck. My favorite items:

• Secret Service Agent
• Religious Official
• Someone who drives a pick-up truck (+2 points if they let you drive it, +3 if it's a stick)
• A person who still owns a Hootie and the Blowfish CD.
• A person who still has a MySpace page

As you can see it's ridiculous and some of the shit on there is borderline offensive, but I love it. I'm considering asking if you can include sex with yourself on that list because at this point I'm more likely to ride a unicorn in the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade than to go out on a date.

In TMI news, I have this cut in the corner of my lip which has split and now I'm in mortal pain every time I open my mouth wider than an inch. I couldn't even eat a burger because I couldn't open my mouth that wide. There goes my social life, lol. Also, I want to go to Babeland to by a new toy. As you may recall from The Great Vibrator Fiasco of 2008, I've retired my old one and am now in the market for a new one. So I may plan a trip out there this week since I want to avoid sleeping with/talking to/fantasizing about TG when I'm in California after the drama of this past weekend. But, ladies and gentlemen, that's a story for another time. Now I'm going to go back to pretending to do work.

working from home is the best.

I have spent all day at home, watching a shit ton of reality TV and doing even more work. Normally working from home = napping from home, but for some reason today I am getting shit done. It is amazing. Granted, I still have to clean my room/kitchen/bathroom, do my laundry, and pack for my epic DC weekend, but at least I know I'm doing my job the best I can. I'm trying the whole ambition thing again. We'll see if it works out.

Super stoked for the weekend. Jammerz and I are going to Baltimore/DC, so he can visit UMD Law School. This means I get to see my sorority girls! I miss them so much. I also wonder if it'll be weird to be on a law school campus, considering I thought that's what I wanted in my life. Somehow, though, I think that I made the right decision, so I'm not too worried. I'm also exploring MBA options, because I think that may be a better path for me and my company has some programs I could participate in.

I don't even know why I'm writing right now, since none of this is interesting - lol.

OH, I totes forgot! One of the speed dating boys e-mailed me and I gave him my number. I'm super nervous and almost don't want him to call. I don't really want to go out with him, but I'll get points in the dating scavenger hunt the girls are doing and I suppose it's the emotionally healthy thing to do. Blarg. I want to meet someone who excites me - is that really too much to ask? I hope I hear back from the other dating service soon. That seems more my speed.

Okay, back to extreme productivity! =)

I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so... scared.

I love that episode of Saved by the Bell - you know, the one where Jessie Spano gets hooked on caffeine pills. The title quote is from that episode, but it also describes my feelings about the move to SF. In some ways, I cannot wait to get the hell out of here, but I'm also terrified about how things will go down once I'm all moved out. There's just so much to do - logistically and mentally and emotionally. It's such a clusterfuck.

It's strange, though - despite my nervousness, I don't doubt that this is the right decision. When I sit really still and get inside my own head, I know that this is the right choice. I just hope I'm strong enough to handle all the change that will need to be made. I'm really going to miss my office. I hate the hours we work and having to be on California time, but I love the people I work with. When I first started in NYC, I felt so alone. The people I was closest to at the time sat nowhere near me and were on different teams. It took about a year for me to find a new team that I loved and a set of work friends that I enjoy hanging out with. We've even started becoming 'outside of work' friends, which has really helped me out as I sometimes find it hard to coordinate plans with the high school crew. I get sad a lot because some of my friends are on LI or they're busy or they have more important things to do. It's been nice to have another outlet in my life. I'm really going to miss the little routines and jokes I have with my colleagues, but I'm sure I'll find my niche in the CA team. Hopefully it doesn't take a year =)

I think one of the scariest things about moving back is that I know that I'm going to have to work. I mean, every time you move you have to work for it, but I think that's where I went wrong with NYC. I expected to come home and find that everything had fallen into place, but so many people had changed and their lives changed and circumstances changed. I had to adapt and I didn't do it fast enough. I already have a fairly solid base of friends in SF, but I know that I still need to work on crafting the life I want. I know that I didn't have everything I needed there the last time, so I have to figure out what's missing and find ways to add it to my life. The good thing is, I've had the time spent in NY and the lessons I've learned here to guide me. I also have a fairly good idea of what life is like in SF, so it's not like I'm going in blind. I just have to hope that I'm smart enough, resourceful enough, and hardworking enough to figure my shit out.

I'm so ready for this.

quick relapse.

Talked to TG last night for like 2 hours. Bad, bad me. I was doing so well, too. He told me it was "weird" that I was moving back. I laughed and told him I thought the same thing. I mean, it is. It will be very strange to see what it's like when I'm back in that city. It's frickin' tiny - I mean, I know we're bound to run into each other at some point. We talked about relationships and stuff - I think most of the stuff he said was designed to annoy me. All this crap about how I need someone to tame me and how I want to appear meaner than I am. Maybe some of it is true, but I didn't appreciate the tone in which it was delivered. I don't know what to make of him. I think we just need to have a convo, but the two of us are both so damaged and scared that we won't talk about anything serious. We just talk around it.

Anyway, I was bad. I'll try not to do it again.

adventures in speed dating!

So yay! I did it! I went speed dating and I didn't die! Awesome! It wasn't nearly as awkward as I thought it would be, so that was a huge plus. Of course, I was running late because I always run late. I wasn't sure if what I was wearing was appropriate - I chose a red cap-sleeved bandage dress from Express that makes my ass look JLo-esque. A little bit of cleavage, but not too much. So after the cab ride from hell, I finally made it there and there were only a few people, which made me nervous. I got a whiskey sour and had to resist the urge to chug it and order another. We all know that restraint isn't one of my strong suits.

Not sure if you guys are familiar with the whole speed-dating concept, but basically all of the women are seated at tables in some vaguely trendy bar during off hours. The men then choose a woman to sit across from and they talk for 5 minutes. After the 5 minutes are up, the perky and chipper woman leading the exercise taps on a glass and then the men shift. At the end of it all, you mark yes or no next to the names of all of the people you met, to let the organizers know if you'd like them to contact you. Then one day later, they let you know who on your list of 'yeses' said yes to you as well.

Last night there were 9 women and 8 men, so we got a little bit of a break to account for the extra girl. On the whole everyone was reasonably attractive and no one was completely socially inept. A lot of people didn't live in Manhattan proper, which is kind of annoying, but definitely doable. Some of the conversations were really good and it was nice to meet and mingle with new people. At the end, I chose 4 people that I was interested in and 4 that I wasn't. I like to keep things even. Today I got an e-mail saying that 2 of those folks were interested in me, too. So now, it's the waiting game. I'm pretty sure that one of them will get in touch with me, but we'll see. The hard part is remembering exactly what each one said during those mini-dates. I mean, meeting 8 men in a 40 minute time period is difficult. The basic rundown - one of them is a 20-something black guy in finance, who plays drums and does some music stuff on the side. He moved here recently from Boston. We talked a bunch before the event and I feel like we get along well. The second one is another 20-something, Korean, super cute, lives in Jersey, likes dogs. Of course I can't remember what he does. He told me an interesting story about his dog who passed away, which was probably TMI, but he just seemed so genuine and of course, the hotness. So I said yes to him.

I'm still unsure if I'm ready to date. I'm missing TG and I felt weird announcing that I went speed dating, because I knew he saw it (he commented on it) and it just made me feel weird. But, I know I need to do this, so I'm going to at least give these men a chance if they decide to contact me. I need to get over things as quickly as I can. More updates later.

weekend - finally!

I desperately need this weekend - the past few weeks have been nuts and as a result of the Vegas trip, I feel like I haven't had any "me" time in my apartment. So I think that's the plan for today. I'm practically falling out with tiredness and my room is starting to get that dirty look about it.

I'm kind of nervous about the whole speed dating thing. I haven't put myself out there like that in a while and it's so different from online dating. You can have a profile up online and never answer anyone and never check it. Speed dating is like 5 minutes talking to some stranger. The pressure is on. I know if I get an awkward person, I will definitely just start babbling about stupid shit. I guess I'll be calling on all of my sorority girl skills and just acting like I'm rushing girls. It's pretty much the same shit. I'm not sure what to wear - I want to be sexy, but I don't want to look slutty. I do want to stand out, though. Also I'm too damn tall (and I'm not even that tall!), so I'm unsure if I do heels or not. Heels and I'm about 6' even. Flats and then I look like I'm not trying. Arg - too stressful. I guess I'll have to hit up some stores tomorrow afternoon to get my shit together.

Then we're all going out on Saturday night, which will be nice. I'm excited to spend some time with my friends - dancing, drinking, having a good time. I'm starting to get away from being a complete hermit =)

i've been a very, very bad blogger.

Sorry! I haven't written in a week which is so not like me. There has been so much going on lately that it's insane. I have a feeling this entry is going to be ridiculously long, so bear with me.

First of all, Vegas baby! I had a lot of fun last weekend and it was so good to see the San Francisco crew. Surprisingly, I didn't get crazy intoxicated or do anything stupid - I just had a good time with my friends. Catching up, drinking, I even *gasp* did some gambling. Well, slot machines, which I'd never done before. I'd never even bought a lottery ticket, so this was huge for me. I won $5. Yay! It was nice to meet some new people and start getting myself back into the SF circle. It's making my move more reassuring to know that I have a good base of people to hang out with when I get back. I've missed them!

So work has been cooling off a little bit, which has allowed me to have some semblance of a life. Last night, I went out for St. Patty's day with some co-workers, Jammerz, and Girl Roomie. I had an amazing time - reaffirmed my love for whiskey sours (although, I really need a new fucking drink - any ideas? Considering a return to White Russians, but they're hard to come by) and had one of the best burgers I'e eaten in a while. I love Irish pubs - delicious! I actually have plans for this weekend, shockingly enough - speed dating and then a night out on the town with friends. Possibly a few parties on Saturday night. We shall see. =)

In sadder news, a good friend of mine has been unconscious in the hospital for the past month as a result of a hit-and-run car accident. She was a member of my Mock Trial team and anyone who knows me knows that Mock Trial was my life in college. I love my teammates like nobody's business and although we rarely see each other, they were hugely instrumental in making me the drunken, cracked-out mess I am today. So the group got together to go and visit her. It was really emotional and awkward and hard for me to see her, but I'm glad we went and I'm glad I had the MT boys by my side. I miss college so much sometimes that it's physically painful.

On a stranger note, I've been having the creepiest set of dreams on God's green earth over the past few nights. I can't figure out why. I'm not sure if Criminal Minds viewing before bed is finally getting to me or if I just have crazy shit on my mind, but this is not okay. Some examples:

1. I dreamed I got bit (stung?) in the face by a dragonfly-esque creature. I was in my bedroom at my parents' house and I saw something that looked like a butterfly on the floor, so I bent over to check it out and then it expanded into a huge dragonfly thingy (that's it's scientific name... lol) and it fucking bit me! I was howling in pain and it was weird and odd.
2. The same night, I also dreamed that my family and I were digging up the bodies of dead children on some rich lady's country estate. I'm pretty sure that's a Criminal Minds-induced dream.
3. Last night's one was awesome. I basically was in bed with TG and the Intellectual at the same time. By in bed, I mean just that - in bed. No sexual stuff going on. But then The Intellectual wanted to have sex with me, but I didn't want to, so I told TG to just wait for me and that I'd get rid of the Intellectual. How The Intellectual didn't hear this, I don't know - I mean we were three grown ass people on a Queen sized bed, but whatevs. So I told him "NO" just as he's going to put the condom on. ***p.s. I should've known this was a dream because dream Intellectual has a smaller peen, but I guess I was just so into dreaming that I didn't notice*** Okay, back. Then he got all aggressive and I was afraid he was going to force me to do something. He started yelling about how he wanted it and how he even waited for "Paul" - that was the name he gave TG (which is not his name) - to go to sleep. Then I left the room to get Boy Roomie who came in and somehow got mad at me. Then Girl Roomie came in and yelled at me for having so many men in the bed. Then I woke up. Shit is weird.

So yeah, that's my past week in a nutshell. Holler at your girl =)

mic check, 1-2, 1-2

Just checking in. Life has been crazy lately - well, not life really, but my job. Long days plus working during the evening at home equals not a lot of time to blog. It also means not a lot of time to make stupid mistakes with boys. The Intellectual has backed off, so I think we're good. I'm really glad I didn't break down and sleep with him because he so does not deserve this. Not at all. I haven't really talked to TG. He pinged me earlier in the week and we had a brief 5-min convo, but I'm doing well. Not really stalking him since I don't have the time and will most likely be busy for a while anyway. I do miss him, though. I miss talking to him daily and joking around with him, but it's okay. I have other things and people to keep me distracted.

So I'm interviewing for this special dating service in NYC next week. I'm kind of nervous - what if they decide I'm ugly? Or boring? Or not 'elite' enough? Maybe they're racist and hate black people? Who knows? And of course now that I've mentioned it ya'll will know when they tell me NO. Haha - oh well, honestly always. Speed dating on the 20th. Holler! I am really putting myself out there, that's for sure.

I'm heading to Vegas on Saturday with the SF crew. I need to get away for a bit and let loose. I'm hoping I don't get myself into too much trouble, but you know me. =)

boys, as per usual.

For the life of me will someone please tell me why men (namely The Intellectual, who at this point is not living up to his nickname) do not understand that no means no. He started texting me again and I've been polite because I thought he was just being 'friendly.' Sometimes I think I have too much faith in boys because he is definitely not thinking about friendship. He asked to come over - again. As much as I know that I need to screw someone else to help me get over TG, I just don't want to fall back into his trap. So I texted him back saying that I thought it was a bad idea for him to come over and that I'm not sleeping with people willy-nilly anymore. Yes, I just said willy-nilly. Get over it.

He responds back with: "Ok. I understand. I can't lie, though, I do miss coming over. Was nice. Was actually dreaming about it the other night." UGH. On the one hand, it makes me happy to know that he's sweating me when I haven't thought about sleeping with him in ages. On the other hand, I feel like he's still trying to entice me and you know how I am - "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Seriously, I'm getting that tattooed somewhere on my body because it is my life story. So now he's got me thinking about those pelvic lines. But, I'm trying to hold my ground. I really am. Because I know I'll just end up being disappointed in myself if I go through with this.

Jesus, take the wheel. I need some help on this one.

more roaring 20s resolutions.

During my night out with Jammerz, we had a long discussion about my "relationship" with TG. He thinks I need to cut him off completely and he's tired of hearing about him. Truth be told, I'm tired of talking about him. Two years is a long time to have all these ups and downs. So I've finally decided to put my money where my mouth is and I'm really making a concerted effort to rid my life of this boy, at least for the next 6 months until I move to California. I really do feel like he has inhibited me from dating and having a full life out in New York. I don't blame him at all, but the fact that my job has me in California every 3 months is not really healthy for us separating. We hang out, we see each other, we spark, we have sex, and then I'm hung up on it for another few months. Especially once I gave up on dating men in Manhattan. I really have have no other sexual outlet but him for the past year. SO. NOT. HEALTHY.

I made my friends unfollow him on Twitter. I've gone so far as to create a filter for him on every social network I have, so he will not pop up in my feeds. Also, stalking stops NOW. No more tracking his every move online like a crazy person. From now on, I will live my life and he will live his and when I get to California, hopefully I'll be over it or he'll be dating someone or if not, we can then interface with our strange friendship when it really matters. I just see no need to freak out about my relationship with him when I'm still 3,000 miles away and will be for the next 6 months. Especially because I just don't think he likes me that way.

So the trigger to all this was a long conversation we had the other night. He's had some really depressing messages up and all this cryptic crap surrounding this girl. Naturally I've been following that shit like it's a national news story. Finally, I decided I needed to see what was up because my crazy jealousy and internet recon is getting out of control. Bottom line: he stuck his neck out for a girl and she told him she didn't want a relationship because she's dating around. He doesn't want to do anything casual anymore and is looking for a real relationship, no fucking around. While they haven't fucked around yet, he doesn't want to strictly hookup, so he defriended her and removed her from a bunch of social networking sites. He says there's no sense in being friends if they can't be together. We talked about our individual relationship issues - but made no mention of our relationship with each other. I really think he's over me. And I think I'm over him too, but I keep holding on because my own love life isn't satisfying. I think our relationship was super-important to my growth as a person, but I don't really think we have a future. We're just not compatible that way, but I need to untrain my mind to want to be with him. Continuing to have sex with him is not helping. At all. So I'm hoping if I ignore him, I'll get better.

I've had a few relapses - some mild Twitter stalking, he gChatted me, and then texted me today and I responded. But on the whole, I'm doing well. Now I just need to find a man to get under (or over, I'm flexible - ha) and I think I'll be all right. Any single Manhattan men out there? I'm available... =P

challenge!

My new resolution for the rest of my time in NYC is to do at least one fun thing per week. I stole this shamelessly from my cubemate, but I think it's a really good idea. Sometimes I get into these funks where I spend all week at home in my apartment when I'm not at work, eating spaghetti and ordering takeout. So not cute. So lest I turn into the Unabomber, I need to kick my own ass to get out of those habits. So to celebrate Martini Week in Manhattan, I went out with Jammerz. It was part fail, part fun.

We went to the completely wrong bar for our first trip. Apparently there are two Highlands in NYC and instead of going to the one that serves good food, we went to the one that served Scottish food like haggis and shit. Jammerz and I are the pickiest eaters on Earth, so after we sat down and checked out the menu, we were like "Oh hellz, no!" We ordered one drink and then bounced to eat dinner at a real place and drink more fancy drinks. Yay! Win!

It was interesting talking to Jammerz, as we are both planning moves in the next 6 months. I get so excited talking about creating a new life and starting over. It's nice to share that with someone and to be able to bond over it. New beginnings are wonderful. We talked about TG a little bit and how I should stop obsessing over him. I try - I really do, but it's so difficult. I spent last night in full creep mode (holla Jer-Z Shore!) after he posted a cryptic tweet about defriending someone. That someone happened to be the girl I've been stressing over lately. I guess he's done with her? Jesus, take the wheel! My life needs to be more exciting so I can stop following the minutiae of that boy's world. I think I need to slut it up a little bit for the next month in order to get over things. In order to do that, though, I need to start going out more. You can't be slutty with your friends. Well, you can, but that leads to shit like The Banker and no one wants a repeat of that.

So I'm giving myself a new mission: I must go out on at least 1 date with a person I have not slept with. I also must have sex with 1 person who I have not slept with. Deadline: June 1st. It's on.

trying to stay awake.

It's only 9:38pm and I'm exhausted. I have a ton of work to do tonight, but I'm also prioritizing my sanity, so instead I'm blogging and reading and watching television. I just hate that I work all day and then come home and work all night. Enough is enough! I don't want to get sick over this. I also need to do laundry and clean up my kitchen - I have some other important priorities that I refuse to let fall by the wayside over something that can wait a few days. Hmph! I'm taking back my time!

I don't know what's gotten into me, but I'm on this new productivity kick. I registered for the Blogging While Brown conference in DC in June - I really want to meet other bloggers and improve this blog and gain readers (ps - I'm grateful to everyone who's reading this!). I want to make this an interesting corner of the web =) I signed up for speed dating! Which is step 1 in getting over TG. Still can't believe we're going on 2 years since our "relationship" ended and I still think about him almost daily. I wonder if it's the same for him. Maybe not exactly, but the boy IMs me all the frickin time. Also signed up for an interesting NYC dating service. I don't know why I'm getting into this now, but I think it's been kind of unhealthy for me to completely ignore my love life for so long. I'm cleaning house, too - the bedroom is all clean. Bathroom and laundry tonight.

I'm really hoping I can keep this up. It's almost too good to be true!