i'm still not ready to return, but almost...

Yeah, I'm a delinquent. I know. But I've pulled two 3am nights in a row at work and my brain is still a little fried. I don't think I'm a real person yet. Don't worry, I haven't abandoned the blog and I have LOTS to tell you but I just can't form a coherent sentence yet. So Top 5 things you probably wanna know:

1. Yes, my job is THAT ridiculous. I don't even know what to say about it except that I feel like I'm on the fucking plantation.
2. No, I haven't slept with or seen TG. But there's been lots of drama between us in the interim. Details to follow.
3. Of course, I've had a huge life epiphany. Because I'm me and I see meaning in everything. I swear I could have a religious experience going to the fucking grocery store, but that's why you love me! =)
4. I barely have time to drink now, which makes me unbearable to be around. Alcohol consumption will begin again starting this weekend.
5. I have discovered a love of 40+ year old engineers. Seriously, I want to screw every man that walks by me at my job. I have a million new crushes and they are all age inappropriate. New goal: trying out the older man thing. 

Okay, I'm spent. Time to watch Glee!

damn, it has been a long time.

Week 1 of the California adventure has been insanely crazy. I've been here for 8 days and it feels like 8 years. On the bright side, the weather is fabulous. On the flip side, I don't get to enjoy it too much. Here's a recap of my insane week.

1. I worked an 80 hour week. I don't know how the fuck that happened. Maybe it was because I got into work on Thursday at 8am and left at 3am the next morning. WTF, mate?! Surprisingly, I don't hate my job. I guess that means it's a good thing. I'm kind of stressed out about our big event on Monday, but we'll get through it. On the plus side, the overtime is fucking sweet. I also don't have to spend any money because I'm working all the time and expensing everything.
2. Somebody hacked into my e-mail account. Of course, the one day that I'm supposed to sleep in after the epic 19 hour workday, I wake up to a million messages from friends asking if I sent them spam links. Apparently, someone hacked my account and sent out Viagra links to everyone. And I mean everyone - professors, people I talked to about jobs, my PARENTS. I am beyond mortified. I really just wanted to die.
3. I think I'm steps away from cutting the TG cord. I spent the beginning of the week HATING him because he blew me off on Saturday when I flew in. Then after I ignored him like the fucking plague, he came crawling back (as per usual). He was nice when my account got hacked, but I just feel done, ya know. I'm hoping my body feels done too, because I cannot keep sleeping with this kid. I can't decide if I want to just take the high road and not say anything about how he treats me or if I want to flip out on him. There's also the third choice of just being really cruel. I don't know what to do. All I know is I need a man in my life that gives a shit about me.
4. I really need to start working out - my body is starting to get really soft. I don't like it. Although, my boobs look amazing right now - so you win some you lose some.
5. I keep thinking my vibrator is my umbrella. This does *not* bode well for me. I'm so afraid I'm going to whip it out in the public.

Anyhow, I'll try and be better about updating. We're rounding the home stretch at work!

alcohol is my anti-anti drug. that makes no sense. whatever.

I'm totally shitfaced drunk right now. Like, it's really bad. I'm dancing around my hotel room with a bottle of wine and being crazy. But, I'm having fun, so it's totally okay. =)

Today was surprisingly fun, even though the rain ruined my "perfect" San Francisco weekend. Le sigh. I still had fun, though. Hung out with one of my favorite people - Freshman Year Best Friend - in Berkeley. We had a nice 'organic' brunch ::rolls eyes:: I even had an organic cocktail. It was just nice to talk to him and hang out. I'm still amazed sometimes at how many amazing people I have in my life. Seriously, high school and college yielded so many wonderful relationships. I spent last night talking to Shru and Senior Year Roommate - my West Coast lovelies. I'm really blessed to have people like that in my world. I like to think that even if God decides that marriage isn't for me, I've made so many amazing friends that support me in so many ways. I love them.

Hung out with MB at the mall today. I love her. I'm excited that we'll be in the same space again. I've missed her.

I'm an emotional drunk right now - can you tell? I'm totally nostalgic and melancholy and crazy at the same time - haha. I should probably try and go to sleep right now, but I'm too wired up. Plus I still have to finish this bottle of wine.

In other news, I'm obsessed with Train's "Hey Soul Sister" - looping it like whoa.

Tomorrow is the start of hell week at my job. UGH. Kill me with a chainsaw. Sigh.

Okay, I told someone I'd do something for work. Going to do that now. ~ ~~ ~ ~

looooove,
CJ

now i'm getting more and more nervous.

Currently writing this while on the plane, which is exciting! I cannot wait for this plane ride to be over. The only consolation is that I won't have to do the return trip for another 5 weeks. We still have 2.5 hours left to go and I don't think I can sleep any more. I slept for the first two or three hours, but then I had this horrific dream that my father was slashing my brother with a knife. I'm just glad I didn't wake up sobbing or shrieking like I was in the dream. So now I'm taking a computer break, although my damn charger doesn't work, so this will not last the full two and a half hours. Perhaps I can switch to my other computer when this one conks out.

Talked to TG a little while ago and my thoughts are all scrambled. He just loves to play games and I never learn. I think it's funny now. Maybe this trip will teach me something. He did his usual teasing thing, then asked if he was going to get to see me "since I'm better in person" than I am on Twitter, apparently. Then he's all wishy washy about whether tonight will work. He says we'll play it by ear. Ugh, I hate that. He invited me to get high with him and his friends tomorrow, but I have plans with Freshman Year Best Friend and perhaps MB? So I don't know - we'll see. He then made an inappropriate sexual innuendo (sigh... my weakness) and then capped it off insinuating that he's hooked up with someone else recently. I don't even know what to say. It's amusing at this point. Round and round we go. I really need to have a fun summer fling. Like for serious.

I also wish I could be 100% honest on this blog about something that's been bothering me, but I can't because I think someone directly involved reads this and I should probably just man up and talk to them, but I'm confused and don't know what I want. I have to believe that this situation will resolve itself upon moving. Yeah... cryptic, I know. Deal with it! =)

Okay, back to twiddling my thumbs.

why am i not packing right now?

Because I'm a colossal loser... lol. I was incredibly productive today, though. Got a shit ton done at the office AND even managed to get a mani/pedi and my eyebrows done. Hawt. After work, I picked up some books and magazines for the flight and then headed to Babeland, a sex toy shop, to pick up new fun things! I'm always super awkward in places like that - I walk around aimlessly, even though I know exactly what I want. I don't know why - I'm pretty open about my sex life, so I don't know why I can't buy condoms without feeling silly or go buy a vibrator by myself. But, I got what I needed, so that's a plus. I also wish I could spend all day talking and learning about sex toys and techniques. Maybe in another phase of my life =)

Still no clue what's going on this weekend or what my plans are. I'm purposely being shady with nearly all of my friends. I don't even know why. I'm just prematurely tired and don't want to disappoint anyone. All I know is I want brunch on Sunday morning. That is a given.

Okay, I really just wrote this to procrastinate and I barely even said anything interesting, so I'm going to take that as a cue that packing should commence.

California in the ayem!

i can haz more tyme?

OMG I'm so fucked. So so so very fucked. In all areas of my life - professionally, personally. SIGH. I haven't packed and I'm light years behind at work. This shit is ridiculous. My flight is Saturday morning at 10:30am. Good luck to me!

So I'm terrified to see what the hell is going to happen once I make it to SF. Should I pack condoms? Or is that presumptuous? Or stupid? I mean, I shouldn't be having sex with TG, but we all know that I love sex and will not be able to resist once it is in front of me. I am basically a man. Sigh. At this point, though, who knows if I'll even make it to my plane because of that whole "I haven't packed or done laundry" thing. Plus, maybe he won't want to have sex with me? Ha - that's funny - all the boys wanna have sex with me! (That is definitely not true... lol). ACK I can't focus!!!!!! I'm also ravenously hungry.

This entry has been brought to you by lack of sleep and the letter I, for idiot.

Carry on!

i really need to stop drinking.

It's gotten a little out of control lately. I feel like I've been trashed for the past 5 nights in a row, which I know isn't true, but it just feels like it. I think partying til the wee hours of the morning on Saturday, followed by drinking with my parents for Easter Sunday, and then the whole dinner with the work girls on Monday, and drinks with Tall on Tuesday kind of wore me out. Okay, so only 4 nights in a row - hehe.

The problem is I get drunk and I'm all text-happy and just crazy in general. I think Tall was terrified as I yelled and screamed at the television at the bar. I'm sorry, but the Yankees were on and I love me some Yankees. I also texted like 5 people - BAD IDEA. Not all were boys, though, so I feel okay about it. After we got drunk at this whiskey and wine bar (which, btw, is pretty much my ideal bar - best of both worlds!), we did pizza at this amazing place whose name I cannot recall. Thank God for Foursquare so I can look it up later. Then I came home, passed out and woke up hungover and wide awake at 5am. My stomach cannot take all of this! So tonight, I'm going to be a good girl and drink not a drop of liquor. Instead I will get going on preparation for the big trip to California.

Wish me luck! Sober isn't an easy state for me.

why the $%#^ am i up at 4:15 am?

I've said it before and I will say it again: I really need to stop drinking. Went out with work girls tonight and got pretty blitzed, then I came home and had some more to drink. Girl roomie and I scared boy roomie, I'm sure, with our drunken antics. Although, in our defense, he should be used to it. =)

I promptly passed out at 10:30pm (wow, apparently it's fucking amateur hour over here... poor showing) and then woke up at 3 am. I fixed my TiVo, updated my blog reader and did some Facebook stalking. I'm considering popping in The Count of Monte Cristo and letting Jim Caviezel lull me into a peaceful sleep before I get up at 7 am. I actually kind of just want to get up and go into work. But that would be silly. I also really want soda, but can't bring myself to put on some clothes and go across the street to the 24/7 grocery store. I suppose I could call for delivery, but that would make me a really lazy New Yorker. So instead, I'll settle for some tap water.

I've been making some really fucking bad decisions lately. I agreed to go out tomorrow with Tall, to some wine and whiskey bar in our 'hood. The problem with going to bars in your hood is that it's so close you feel like you can drink as much as you want because the walk home is like 2 seconds. Instead, we should've chosen a place in the Upper East Side so at least I'd have to stay sober enough to get home without incident. Sigh. Oh well. Also, bad TG news, too. I somehow have agreed to let him stay with me in May after I get back from CA (I can hear Slindy seething already... maybe she won't read this. ::whistles, looks around::). I am so weak, so very weak. Whatevs, I don't wanna talk about it now.

Looking into new things to do with my hair. I kinda just want to rock my fro and not care what people think, but I know I should probably tame it somewhat. I haven't bitten my nails in a week. It's ridiculous. 24 years of nail biting and then one day I just decide I don't want to do it anymore and so I don't. I shock myself sometimes. I should channel this into some other aspect of my life. Luckily, my roommate is obsessed with manicures and is like LET ME PAINT YOUR NAILS FOR YOU. So I will let her and it will be good.

San Fran in 4 days. KILL ME.

Aight, I'm outtie. More tap water and then b-e-d.

now that i am no longer spewing rage...

I shall update =) I've been the biggest 'see you next tuesday' on the planet for these past couple of days. Snapping at people, moping around, throwing mini tantrums. I even locked myself up in my room last night with a bottle of wine. But, now, I emerge - shiny and new! And clearly on crack...

I just made an appointment with my psychic. Yes, I have a psychic. I love her! She's like a wise old grandma. Anyhow, with all this change in my life - moving, job transfer, etc - I really feel like I need some sort of guidance. Some people have therapy, I have a psychic. Different strokes, people.

Still doing the 'conflicted over TG' dance. I get a text from him yesterday - "I took the day off. Too bad you're not here with me!" Of course that brought back the FLOOD of memories. Like how he used to text me in the middle of the night telling me he hoped I was sleeping well and that he just wanted to leave me a nice message to wake up to in the morning. Or the myriad of little romantic messages he'd send. I NEED TO STOP BEING NOSTALGIC. It really just makes everything worse.

Also, I don't think the reality of the next few weeks has set in yet. I am going to California for 5 whole weeks. I will be living in a hotel, out of a suitcase for 5 whole weeks. This is kind of insane, especially since the first 3 weeks will be full of 16 hour workdays. I need to start getting prepared. I don't even know how to pack for a trip that long. Insanity. Hopefully I have time to blog and fill you all in on the drama that is bound to happen. San Francisco is always drama for me - plain and simple.

Okay, back to work - I'm being surprisingly productive considering I strolled in at 10:15 and took a 90 minute lunch. Need to keep it up!