drinking and dating.

My life is a little too much for me right now - it seems like everything is picking up crazy fast and I can barely keep up. Right now, I'm in the midst of a nice upswing. People always tell me I drink too much, but I think most times alcohol makes everything better. I went out and got completely trashed yesterday with my friend, Tall. I think it was the whole "I ate lunch at 11:30am" thing, but after two drinks I was off the wall. Then I went and ate pizza and drank more wine. It was glorious. I love catching up with friends and seeing how everyone's life is going. I think the mid-twenties is such an interesting time - so much change and uncertainty. It's exhilarating! When I got home, I was totally out of it - I'm quite shocked I was able to walk home without incident. I stumbled around a bit, greatly amusing Girl Roomie. Then I passed the fuck out and woke up at 5:45am - renewed, refreshed, energized. Got up early, got to work before 8am and here I am, the picture of productivity. =)

Talked to TG yesterday while drunk. We're back in a 'high communication' phase. Whatever. It is what it is. I don't even want to presume to understand the nature of our relationship. I'm tired of analyzing it, so I'm just going to let it be what it will be. I enjoy talking to him while intoxicated and I think he enjoys it too. Woke up this morning to a humorous text from him.

So, on the online dating front, where are we? I'm talking to two boys, one of whom I'm ironing out a game plan to hang out with. Not sure what we'll do or when since we're both pretty busy and I'm gone for the next two, erm - three weekends. This is good, though. I haven't had a proper date in over a year. The second guy is sweet - he seems like just a really nice guy, which most likely means it won't work. I don't really do the 'nice guy' thing. I mean, I don't like assholes or anything, but I usually like guys who are a little more complicated than he seems to be. We're in the 'let's talk about ourselves and what we like' phase. It's strange - he says he doesn't really find white women attractive, but isn't sure why. On one hand, I'm kind of leery about that, but out of all the people in this world, I think I know that race and attraction are pretty complicated topics. Hell, at least someone's interested in black women, I suppose. So we'll see where that one goes. I'm also torn about how upfront to be with these guys about the fact that I'm planning a permanent cross-country move in the next 2.5 months. Guess I'll just cross that bridge when I come to it.

Okay, back to work!

i just can't catch a break can i?

Ugh, I feel like shit. My period is still fucking with me and I have a headache and a stomachache. I also came in ridiculously late today, which means that I should probably stay until at least 6:30pm, if not 7 in order to not look like a huge slacker.

I've been engaging in back and forth witty banter with this one guy online. He seems relatively normal and a lot like me in many ways - sarcastic, similar interests, and he's pretty good at verbally sparring with me, which you all know I love. I think he wants to meet, which scares me, but I guess I should just go for it, right? It's time to put myself out there for real style. So hopefully that doesn't fall through, like these things tend to do.

Short update today, I just cannot focus for the life of me.

i need a break.

Work is eating me alive - I've finally gotten back to being "productive me" and I'm not quite ready. It's only 5pm and I already want to fall down dead of exhaustion.

As you all know, I've decided to start online dating again, just to put myself out there. So far I've yet to find anyone that's wonderful. Instead, I found a guy I already dated. This was the one that dated me, ditched me for someone else, and then six months later wrote me an e-mail like nothing had happened. Seriously, though, that shit needs to stop. Any men who think that's acceptable, please read this. Kthxbai! I also found a guy posing with a lightsaber (umm, I'm a dork, but I'm not *that* dorky! save your weird obsessions for the third date), another guy who wrote me a 2 word message, and this other guy that looks like a fucking serial killer. Seriously. His photos look nuts and he even included a shirtless one. Shirtless photos are never good, no matter how jacked you are. I'm too afraid he'll date rape me to even seriously consider writing back to him.

There were a couple of guys who look promising - one who even asked me some pretty deep questions. I think I'll respond tonight and see where things go. I don't know. I talked to TG last night about how we're both tired of dating and just want to work on ourselves as individuals a little bit. I guess I meant it, but maybe not. I just don't want to be stagnant and I don't want to wait for him or wonder what he's thinking. It's rough being single - I wish I could just resign myself to it and call it a day, but no - I feel the need to try.

i need memorial day weekend plans!

I haven't showered or left the apartment today - this is sick. Stupid fucking period. Although, I guess every so often it's nice not to feel obligated to do anything but just sit around, watch TV, and sleep. Party last night was fun, but I didn't feel well so that made it a little less enjoyable. I came home and took two Tylenol PM and I was out like a light. I will never again take another pill like that. I fell asleep hugging my computer with my glasses on. I don't even remember going to sleep! Drugs are bad, kids. Stay away.

So, I'm unsure if I'm going to go to Commencement this year. I really want to, but it seems like every single one of my close friends from the Class of '07 has backed out. I have a room and train tickets, but I think I can cancel them all. On one hand, I really want to go and just soak up the atmosphere of college and see the few friends I know who are going. On the other hand, how much fun will I have if no one will hang out with me and I have no one to march with since my friends are all different years. I just don't want to go and be alone the whole time. If I don't go, though, I won't be back until 5th year reunion and that makes me sad. Also, it'll be a good chance to see some people I never get to see. Blarg. I hate not knowing what to do.

I was also thinking of doing a beach vacation thing on Long Island. I'd get to see my parents and go lay out tanning, maybe get my shit together. I'm starting to think that's the best bet, but I could be convinced otherwise. I guess I'll figure it out.

there really aren't enough hours in the day.

At some point, I'd really like to have a relaxing weekend, with no plans and nothing to do. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like that will happen anytime soon. I've been having all these crazy thoughts swirling around me lately, most of them pertain to the Great Move to San Francisco.

As my time in New York winds down, I think about all of the amazing things this city has to offer. Sometimes I get sad thinking about leaving, but ultimately I know that this place is not for me. It's funny, though - most of the things I think I'll miss are really not "city" things - they're either the friends I've made or my childhood. I always thought certain things about my life were absolutes. I imagined I'd be a highly-paid attorney and that I'd live with my husband and four children in some quaint Long Island or New England-y town, where we'd have seasons and I'd live in the same style in which I grew up. Now that I no longer want those things, I'm confused as to what the future will look like.

California is so different - I mean, the weather, the people, the architecture. I wonder if I'll ever really grow to love it. The thing is, what's most appealing to me about California is the person I am when I'm there. I explore, I push my boundaries, I branch out - I really grow. I think I grew more in those 9 months spent there than I have in my 2 years back in NYC. I just love all the chances I get to create a life. I have a life in New York, but ultimately it is one that was mostly given to me. It's a good life - full of true friends, a job I enjoy, with co-workers and roommates I love. But something about the magic of creating something out of nothing will always and forever appeal to me.

The thing is (and it's scary to admit this to myself) - I don't really get attached to things in the way most people do. It's actually the scariest thing about me. I don't know what it is, but I don't really believe in the permanence of human relationships, so those things that tether other people have never really stopped me. Yes, I love my family and want to be close to them, but they'll always be there and if they truly love me, they'll let me go. Even though I care deeply about friends and family, I feel like the bonds I've made can overcome distance or time. Which is why I never really factor anyone or anything into my decisions except for my own feelings. It seems whimsical, and it probably is, but I guess it's just me.

I'm a little terrified of SF, mostly because of the relationships I already have there. Sometimes I think it's easier for me when I don't have any ties and I feel like I can start fresh and be my own person. I just don't want to ruffle any feathers. I guess I'll just cross that bridge when I come to it. In the meantime, I'm loving looking at Craigslist ads for apartments - they make me so happy!

friday night dispatch.

I think I'm already hungover - is that possible? I drank a whole bottle of white wine earlier this evening and I'm no longer drunk, but I have a raging headache. Kind of annoying. ANYWAY. I'm sitting here watching CurrentTV - they're doing a special on sexual fetishes. I don't know why I'm watching this - haha. They have a dominatrix on right now - it's kind of fascinating what people are into. If the whole HR thing doesn't work out for me, I could probably make a lot of money and release a lot of tension that way.

So, weekend roundup!

1. I just had a second set of people tell me I look like Julia Stiles. Have I mentioned that I'm black? HAHA. I just find it funny and I don't know if I see it, but apparently others do. I've also been told that I sound like her. Again, this is something several people have told me on unrelated occasions. Weird.
2. I'm going to a party in Brooklyn tomorrow. Brooklyn. I don't *do* Brooklyn. Hopefully, it's fun - I'm actually really excited cuz it's Slindy's sister and I love them both, so I think it'll be a good time. Also looking for a summer fling, so maybe there will be interesting men there.
3. I'm considering an online dating experiment. I just put up my NYC profile, but I was considering putting up the exact same profile in SF to see which quality of men were better and where I got more responses. I think it would be incredibly interesting to see the difference between online dating in the two cities. Perhaps a project for this weekend.
4. My hair has never looked this good. These new products I bought are making my hair look amazing - soft, touchable curls. I think I'm going to be natural for life. Now here's hoping that my hair grows like nobody's business because I want a major curly fro by 2011.

Anyway, I'm getting sleepy, so it's time for me to rest my eyes. Goodnight, ya'll.

i can't think of anything to say.

I'm having serious blogger's block right now. My officemate is making fun of me and suggesting I write about her killer dance moves (as I type this she's rocking out to Caribbean music - *help me*). I'm doing what I do best - extreme procrastination. Tell me how I'm walking a half-marathon on June 6th and my ass has not been exercising AT ALL. I am so fucked it's not even funny. I'm also thinking about boys a lot. I really just want some physical affection. Someone to hug or snuggle up to. I mean, sex would also be phenomenal, but I'll take what I can get. I'm excited about Fleet Week! I want a sailor boy to call my own for an evening --- maybe two. There's also my trip to Rhode Island for Commencement, but I highly doubt anything romantic will come out of that. But, it'll be a fun time with the girls, exploring our old college haunts. Wow, I just said 'haunts' - I should just kill myself and get it over with.

Tonight I'm going to a soccer game! The New York Red Bulls with Slindy and friends. I'm excited - I like live sporting events, even though I know nothing about soccer. And then it's the weekend! I plan on peacing out from work tomorrow at 2pm and taking a nice, long nap.

Since I really have nothing to say, I should probably shut up and get back to work. Peace out, lovelies!

public/private

I continuously toy with how public I want this blog to be. I mean, if I'm friends with you in real life, I'll most likely tell you where this blog is located, unless you have a penis that I may want to touch someday (or have already touched). And yet, I'm thinking that if I want to grow as a blogger and maybe *do* something with this small corner of the internet, it really doesn't do me any favors to remain anonymous.

I'm going to this Blogging While Brown conference in June in DC and I'm so excited, but I didn't even list my blog because I was terrified to attach my name to it. Part of it is where I work - the industry and the company. I work for a large technology firm and I'm in HR. While I honestly believe that my company would only care if I spilled trade secrets, I don't know if they would think that someone in Human Resources should be talking about sex online. Just doesn't seem like it would be a good idea. The other hesitation I have is that I don't know if I feel comfortable being quite so open to *everyone.* Like, would I really want TG to know I was obsessing over him for years? Probs not. Do I want every new guy I date to come to this site so he can see what I say about him? No. And yet, I still feel very strongly about this blog being a journal, so I don't want to simply just stop writing about uncomfortable person topics. And so I remain anonymous. Growl. So annoying.

I'm not ashamed of who I am or what I've done in the past (or the present), but it just doesn't seem smart to put it all out there.

starting over, yet again.

I don't know why, but that stupid title (of the fictitious self-help book Charlotte buys in Sex and the City) is always running through my head. Probably because I'm always starting over, pretty much all of the time. I'm getting over a boy or starting a new role at work or moving cross-country or trying to be more healthy. It fucking sucks.

Today I've decided that I really need to start dating again. Honestly, I really do. I think it's just time. It's been about a year since I've dated anyone. At least during my first year of life in New York, while I was moping around over TG, I was also dating a fair number of men and getting physical on a regular basis. This past year has just been me sitting around mourning a man that, at the end of the day, I don't even think is truly right for me. This needs to stop. I'm too fabulous for this shit. While I only have about 3 months left in NYC, that's no reason why I shouldn't go out and meet some new people and explore. So I'm going to put up an internet dating profile this evening, for my last 3 months here. While I don't really enjoy the internet thing, it seems like it's the easiest short-term solution. That, and the kickball league I joined. Maybe I'll meet some hotties there. It's possible.

So yes, today begins my dating journey. Hopefully I don't fall flat on my face.

i'm back, baby!

Finally back in New York! I got back on Friday, but this is the first time I've been ready to write. It's been a whirlwind week. We had our HR conference this past week and I really had a good time. I got to connect with a whole bunch of people, met some new potential friends for when I move to CA, and partied hard with my team. From Karaoke to trivia to getting kicked out of multiple hotel rooms, it was a good time. I'll say this - our department knows how to have a good time.

I flew back Friday on one of the smoothest plane rides ever. It was short and sweet and we made good time. I came home to find TG's stuff in my apartment, since he'd gone drinking with some friends while waiting for me. He had pulled his usual wishy-washyness with me earlier in the day, but by the time I got there he was on the right track and wanted to have dinner with me. So I got all sexied up and met him at the bar with his friends and whisked him off to dinner. We ate at my favorite Meatpacking spot - Fig & Olive - which I know is fancier than he's used to (homeboy loves the Dive Bar scene in SF). He seemed pretty happy, though and said he loves the vibe of NYC - fancy buildings, beautiful people, nice cocktails. I liked showing him that side. We saw some street art collection while we waited for our table and then did drinks at the bar, which he paid for - shockingly. Dinner was nice, full of lots of conversation. He still thinks it's so weird that I'm moving back to SF. He said it like a million times. We talked about this blog a bit. He doesn't know where it is, but he was all "I bet I'm on it a lot." HAHA. I didn't affirm or deny. After that, we met up with my friends at Brass Monkey for a birthday party for a few hours.

He was pretty much all over me the whole night - touching me in all kinds of inappropriate places and making lots of innuendos. I could really feel the sexual tension between us, as per usual. We left early so we could head home - I was kind of drunk and I'm pretty sure he just wanted to hook up. Of course, we slept together. It was good. REALLY good. Afterwards we went to bed, but I had so much trouble sleeping. I don't even know why, but I woke up at 5am, which of course woke TG up. He wanted to know what was wrong, but I made him go back to bed while I got some water. Then I totally passed out. No morning sex (sadness...), although he made fun of my "sex manual" that I keep on my dresser - he probably thinks I'm a crazy freak. Then we went shopping and did some brunch and walking around South Street Seaport. It was nice and cute and couply and probably set me back light years - haha. But it was a good time and I'm just keeping it that way. Not reading anything into it or expecting anything. I need to move on and I know that, so I'm going to try my darnedest.

I'm so not ready for work tomorrow, but I suppose I have to go. Hopefully I can get an early start because I am light years behind!

Anyway, I'm out! Regular posting schedule is back!

i've been a very, very bad girl.

But not for the reasons you're probably thinking. I blew about $400 dollars today in the course of 2 hours. I have so much new clothing it's making my head spin. I also ditched work like whoa. I mean, I came into the office solely to eat a 90 minute lunch with Freshman Year Best Friend (this name is too long, I need a new one). Nice long talk about life, our families, everything. It's nice to have someone you can talk to about literally anything that's on your mind. Anyway, yeah, today I did nothing and it was absolutely glorious.

I just got back from the movies with TG and I'm wired. We didn't have sex, but not because of me, but because of him. I have no willpower at all, so I'm glad he has some. I'm kind of disappointed because I had so many things I wanted to do to him. God, I need to find someone to have sex with me on a regular basis because I just have so many things I want to do. This whole "sex every 3 months" thing is just not enough. I can't cram it all into one evening! Rawr. Anyway, ignoring my nympho tendencies, the night was pretty nice. I met him at his job where he was setting up his computer. We got pizza from Escape from New York, which I love. Then we went to a cute little wine bar and drank and talked about life and our dreams and our goals. It was a really good conversation. I think he thinks I'm too high strung (which I am, but whatever). He tried to tell me that everything will be okay and I just need to figure out what's not important so I can focus on what is. Then he wanted to go shopping, so we did. He's cute - trying to figure out his fashion sense. It was amusing to talk to him about that. I felt like one of those crazy chattering girls talking about my own shopping stuff. I'm sure he could give a flying fuck what I feel about my body or what clothes I like to wear, but he listened. Then we headed to the movie - Iron Man 2 - good show, but we had shitty seats.

When we left, I asked him if he wanted to come over, just for a little. He rubbed my back and told me he was tired. I'm sure that means "I'm dating some other girl." He kept rubbing my shoulders and telling me we'd hang out in NYC. He asked what I was doing this weekend and invited me out tomorrow. Then he gave me a peck on the cheek and caught a cab.

I'm conflicted about this summer. Part of me wants to go hogwild and sleep with as many people as humanly possible, but I don't know if that's the right approach. I'm just hyper-aware of the fact that I'm moving and I want to date, I do, but it can't be anything serious. Nothing to detract from the mission at hand, which is creating a life in CA. I don't want to end up doing what I did when I moved to NYC - leaving a boy 3000 miles away that I'm still attached do. I just can't do it. So I need to figure out a way to get laid without getting hurt. This should be fun - we all know how good I am at this.

Anyway, this whole navigating the dating waters while being an urban, professional 20-something is awful. Just kill me now and get it over with. That - or someone arrange me a marriage. He just needs to be intelligent, non-prickish and willing to have sex on a daily basis. Plus if he's a dork with dark hair and glasses. I fall hard for dorky, dark haired guys with glasses. They're my weakness. Think you can do that for me? Kthxbai!

well, so much for that.

So, yeah, relapse. All that wonderful stuff I said about how TG and I are totally platonic. How we spend hours together, even in bed and not a thing. Well, that flew right out the window last night. I kind of knew it was going to happen from the second he texted me asking if I wanted to go to this karaoke and tech thing downtown. He was pretty insistent that I come, even though I hadn't gotten a ticket or anything and it was "sold out." Since I looked pretty cute - sexy afro puff, cute flouncy shirt, nice jewelry - I said yes and met him there. And it was just like old times. We drank and talked and snarked on people. We wore funny sunglasses and neon necklaces and took pictures of each other. And laughed. We laughed a lot. He always makes me laugh, with his super-silly sense of humor. I laughed the way I do when something is so insanely funny and I just can't stop. People say my laugh is cute, maybe I laughed too much.

Four drinks later, after we got tired of listening to nerds belt out songs, he asked me what the plan was. We both kind of looked at each other with that doofy "I don't know" face. Clearly none of us wanted to commit to anything. "I could come tuck you in," he offered. I told him I needed to use the restroom and he waited for me. When I got back he asked again what I wanted to do and I asked him if he wanted to come over. He said sure so we left and walked the few blocks back to my hotel. After I got out of the bathroom (yes, again - when I drink, I have to pee all the time. TMI, haha), he was laying on my bed reading my Mary Lincoln biography and making fun of my dorkiness. I got in bed with him and we just sat there until he decided to man up and turn of all the lights and that's when I pretty much knew what was going to happen. He said my name a few times and gave me one of those "I can't believe I'm doing this, but I can't help myself" looks.

It was good. Better than it has been in the past couple of times we've slept together. I'm sure my hotel neighbors frickin hate me because I have no filter when I'm not in my own apartment. Afterwards, we lay in bed together, holding hands, which freaked me out because he once told me that he thought hand-holding was one of the most intimate things you can do. He was pretty quiet, only talking to tell me how good it was. Eventually he got up to put his clothes on and I curled up in my Snuggie (because I have no shame). I didn't really want him to stay cuz I needed to be at work early. He gave me a kiss and told me he'd talk to me tomorrow and then he bounced.

Arg. Epic fail on my part. And yet, it was just so nice. Everything was so nice. I don't regret it because I never really regret sexual encounters, especially with people that mean something to me. Although I recognize that I should NOT have done it. Unclear what happens next. We haven't talked. I had an event this morning so I wasn't really online and he's at a conference this afternoon. I feel like I should do something to break the ice, but I'm unsure as to what. Oh well, we'll see. So that's my life right now. Gah.

i literally have done no work today.

I rolled in at 10:15 am and haven't done anything productive except sit in on a high-level meeting and take notes about what all the important engineers were talking about. That's the one thing about me - I can work hard for as long as I have to, but then once I don't, I need a good 2 weeks of doing absolutely nothing. That's just how I am.

Feeling slightly less off-kilter than I have in the past couple of days. It's funny - I'm super-excited about living here but I'm really tired right now and just want to go home to New York. I think this whole "living out of a suitcase" thing just doesn't suit me. That, and I want a real life. A real connected social life where I don't have to deal with people I don't want to deal with. Not that that life will ever exist, but the one thing I will say about NYC, is that I've eliminated all the things I don't want to deal with. Which is nice. Drama-free zone for sure. I'm kind of nervous about the move because I know that I'm going to be a very different person than I was when I last lived here. First of all, I have a clearer picture of what I want, starting with my own living space. Second of all, I tolerate a lot less bullshit than I used to. I mean, I'll never be a rude person - I'm always gracious and kind in public - but I really don't do shit that I don't want to do anymore. And I'm unapologetic about it. If I don't want to do something, I just say no and move it right along. I don't know if people are really going to like that. Third, I have a better idea of the life I want and I will do anything I have to to get it. Moving here isn't just some whimsical thing I'm doing to pass a few years. I'm moving here to settle down - in my life and my career. So when I come back, I intend to do everything I can to get from Point A to Point B.

Last night was nice. I did nothing. Just came back to my hotel and vegetated for a little bit. I'm enjoying the 1.5 mile walk to the shuttle - it's going to help me walk off some of the weight I've put on from the 3 weeks of eating crap. No alcohol (or dinner either... but that was more laziness than anything else). I talked to TG online - he was unloading some girl drama on me, which I found amusing. Then I curled up in bed to watch Parenthood and did some late night (clean) texting with TG. Then bed. It was nice and relaxing and solitary and I liked it. I can be such an anti-social homebody sometimes, but I need that to retain some sense of normalcy.

I'm really looking forward to our HR conference next week. Getting to spend some time with my NYC girls and non-teammates will be good. Oh, and extreme intoxication. I'm looking forward to that. =)

i feel like i'm going to pass out. and not in the good way.

I am thoroughly exhausted. I have no idea why. I thought the weekend of rest and naps would allow me to bounce back this week and be ready to go, but my body is still sluggishly tired. I'm moving at the pace of a snail and I've done practically nothing all day. I've spent most of the day staring blankly at my computer and plotting my exit.  Cannot wait to get on the shuttle home. I don't even know if I have the strength to go out tonight... correction: I don't have the strength to go out tonight (just unmade plans).

I ate a lot of veggies today, which made me happy, but then I ate some froyo with gummy bears. Boo. I'm still struggling over my hair - I go back and forth. To be natural or not to be natural? I have no idea.

I'm even more stressed about life in SF than I have been before. For a split second, I thought about living in MTV and becoming dull and boring for the next 10 years of my life, but that was just a random freakout. When I get some sleep and I feel better about myself, I'm sure I'll be incredibly excited and forward-thinking and have lots of positive things to say. For now, though, I just think of negatives. But, I still want to do it - lol - which shows you how hopeless I feel about NYC stuff. I need a change - drastic change. Except, because I am who I am and I feel so uncomfortable about things in California, I just want to go into hibernation mode and talk to no one. I'm trying to resist the urge to do that because I know it's not healthy, but I still really just want to dig myself into a hole in the ground. I think work has worn me out and I can't handle being social. Blerg. I'll get over it. In the meantime, I want to brainstorm all the things I want to do when I get here. Maybe that will make me feel better.

finally back to regular posting schedule!

Yay, I think my life of hell is over. I have about 2 more weeks left in this fine city and then I return home for what I'm dubbing my "Summer o' Fun!" I really want to enjoy this summer and have a good time. Lately, things have been so stressful and difficult - contemplating my move to SF, working harder than I ever have before, dealing with my absolutely depressing love life. I need to move onward and upward and I've decided to start on that path this summer. I have so many things to look forward to - Commencement, trips to DC, a fun-filled summer in NYC. No reason why I can't "get my groove back" in the next few months.

Today was mainly spent with MB, doing fun things like gossiping over brunch, shopping, and then dinner. I really had a lot of fun today and I look forward to being here permanently and having her as a regular part of my life.

I've tried to curb all thoughts of men. I just don't know where I'm at right now in my own head, so I don't know how it relates to my relationships with others. I feel really unattractive lately and I think that's starting to mess with me. I don't know if it's the whole "I don't know how to deal with my natural hair and it's worrying me" thing or the "we've been eating shit for the past 3 weeks and I feel disgusting" thing, but I need to start focusing on my appearance like whoa. God did not make me an ugly woman, but bad grooming might - lol.

It's just an uphill battle lately. Being single is really starting to fuck with me, in ways I can't even begin to explain. I wonder if I'm focusing on the wrong things when I look for men (although, let's be honest, I haven't looked for a man in a good, long while). I want to be smart about my next partner and how I treat him and what kind of person he is. I find the concept of love truly frightening sometimes. However, loneliness frightens me even more. I'm so terrified of moving here and being lonely and watching every single person I know move on with their lives in a way that I just can't seem to. I mean, I have faith. I have SO much faith in God and the Universe and I know that something good will come my way and that the man I'm meant to be with will present himself, but waiting is the hardest part. Especially when it gives me time to ruminate over all of the mistakes I've made and the poor choices.

I think about my dating in NYC and how horrific that was. I mean, I pretty much jumped into bed with practically anyone with little to no thought. Then, when I found a guy I thought was halfway decent, I realized I was deluding myself.

Then the whole TG thing, which just was a clusterfuck of ridiculousness that I still can't seem to make sense of. I did have a mini epiphany about it, though. I really do think that a lot of the issues in our relationship came from me and my unwillingness to commit and my not being able to handle the fact that he didn't look/sound/dress like what I pictured my ideal man being. I screwed things up a lot. To be fair, though, he wasn't exactly the most mature man on earth and he did some fucked up shit to me, too. But, honestly, at the end of the day, I've come to realize that the boy that I fell in like with is gone and there's a new person there. In some ways, I really do feel proud of him for creating a life for himself here. When we dated, he had very few close friends and I was his main outlet and that was hard for me. I don't really like being somebody's sole point of support. Now, he's got friends (some of them are questionable in my opinion, but they're his friends) and he has more confidence and a job he likes. He's in a better place and I'm glad. But, he's not the same guy that was so sweet to me and put up with my bullshit and cared about me. I mean, maybe he does still care, but he can act like a total d-bag sometimes and I don't want any part of that. It's just not for me.

I'm really ready to open a new chapter in my life. I just got promoted at my job and I really want to focus on working hard, impressing people, and ensuring that it doesn't take another THREE YEARS before I see a promotion. I want to live like an adult - in my own place, being fiscally responsible, cooking and cleaning for myself. I want to date again, like a normal human being. Going out to dinner with men who treat me well and don't try and get in my pants on the first (or second, or even third) date. I want to make new friends; I want to live the life I want - the perfect mix of crazy, alcohol-fueled nights coupled with my occasional bouts of extreme homebodiness. I want everything that I want, but I know I have to work for it. So, I'm ready for that.

if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.

For some reason I fell asleep with the lights on, half in PJs, half in normal clothes about 4 hours ago. Now, I'm awake and my thoughts are swirling and I just need to get them out. I'm finally in San Francisco, having moved from my shitty hotel in Sunnyvale. I spent most of the day with TG, which was interesting and strange. Since I've been strangely silent on this blog lately due to work, let me just fill you guys in on this situation. Ever since I've gotten here, I've been pretty ticked off at him because he's been blowing me off left and right. So I finally just yelled at him and he was like "Well, how about we hang out on Saturday. Let's go see a movie." I told him I didn't need a pity date and that I'd think about it. Of course, I ended up saying yes against my better judgment and the judgment of all my friends. I basically told everyone I wasn't going to sleep with him, but in my own head, I figured I'd just do whatever I felt like.

So, I didn't sleep with him.

Yay!(?) I guess I'm happy about it, but I'm also a little confused. I think it's because I wanted him to come onto me and allow me the chance to say "No, thanks." But, he didn't, and now I feel unwanted and unattractive. Does that even make any sense? Getting mad because a boy you know you shouldn't be sleeping with didn't try to sleep with you? Gah. We ate lunch together, then laid out in Yuerba Buena Gardens, then saw a movie. After that we went back to his house to charge his phone and then out to dinner. Post-dinner, we got in bed and watched 30 Rock/napped. He wanted me to go to some party with him, but I thought I'd had all the together time I could handle, especially considering that he hadn't tried anything on me. Post-hangout, he sent me a text thanking me for hanging out with him and telling me that he bought us a lottery ticket (we'd discussed the lottery earlier in the day).I wonder if this is us moving into our "friends" phase. I wonder if I'm mature enough to have a "friends" phase at this point in my life. Lately I've been feeling disgustingly single and not pretty, so I don't really want to know about the love life of a guy I've been pretty emotionally attached to for the past 2 years. To compound things, I've been having these feeling lately... feelings for someone else that I'm still so confused by. I'm terrified to act on them because I'm scared of rejection and what it would mean and so I just have them and I don't know what to do about it. Basically, my emotions are a shitshow. No idea what to do.

As far as TG goes, I just don't know if this hanging out thing is healthy. I'm glad I didn't go to the party with him because with all of my crazy thoughts lately, adding liquor + boy I used to sleep with seems stupid. I just need to keep myself out of trouble for the next 11 days. I will be trying my darnedest.