sorry for the crazy delays...

I've actually been pretty social lately. Tuesday night I had a fun night out with my friends at the Frying Pan, this cute bar on a boat near Chelsea Piers. It was so nice to relax, have a few drinks and laugh with friends over inappropriate things. I'm going to miss them a lot when I'm gone. Tonight, I went to the Mashable event with my co-worker. Womp womp. It was okay, but the crowd was kind of strange and we didn't really meet anyone all that fun. But it was a blast to hang out and chat anyway. I have some really awesome work friends, which makes my job all that much more fun.

In 'why am I still talking about this' news, more contact from TG today. An IM, a conversation and then he offered to let me stay at his place while I'm hunting for apartments. I don't understand him. It makes no sense to me why he's being so nice, but then I hate myself for not trusting people. It's odd. He texted me tonight - something inane, of course. Whatevers.

Anyway, I'm supposed to be being productive, but instead I'm slacking off majorly. Kickball tomorrow and I don't want to go, but I know I should so it's off to bed with me! Goodnight, friends!

long island weekend.

Weekend update post. Yesterday afternoon,I watched my brother graduate from high school. It was nice to see him moving on to the next stage of his life. It's strange to be the oldest and watch your family go through the shit that you went through years before. I wonder when I'll really get that my brothers are adults now, doing grown-up things. It's still weird to read about their exploits on Facebook - drinking, girlfriends, hookups, etc. Sometimes I think I should open up too and let them see more of my world and how I'm not an angel. It's hard, though, since I like maintaining my squeaky clean image as the family's good girl. It could give me some street cred if I let them in. Hmm, I'll think about it.

In other news, my mother once again schooled me and made me realize I need to learn how to cook. Or in her words "I'm going to die soon, so you better learn how to make this shit if you ever want to eat it again." Thanks, Ma. Now you all know where I get my mouth from. She fried chicken, made spareribs, mac and cheese, and two different cakes from scratch. Going home always makes me fall in love again with black culture and food. I love my heritage, but I especially love it when I'm sitting around the table with my family clowning each other and eating soul food. Family is good.

Today, I'm taking a work-life balance day and leaving early at 5:30pm. Yes, I realize that this isn't "early" for everyone, but damnit it is for me! I'm debating if I want to buy some wine or if I want to be substance free today. I probably should go the substance free route but we'll see how my resolve goes. =)

daily horoscope.

I'm obsessed with astrology, psychics, and all things esoteric. I read my horoscope on the daily and take it pretty seriously. I know most people think this is crazy, but it makes me feel better in some way. Some people have religion - I have alcohol and new age weirdness to soothe my troubled soul. Different strokes for different folks. Today my horoscope was so dead on - I almost want to print it out and post it somewhere. Today it reads:

"If someone has made you their second choice - whether in romance, at work, or in a friendship - please don't feel rejected or unappreciated. The person you are dealing with probably prefers another over you simply because you are more independent and less inclined to pamper him or her. The last thing you need right now is a diva who expects you to drop everything each time you are summoned. It's time for you to blaze new trails anyway. Start reaching out for new experiences and unique people, even if the choices are outside of your comfort zone. Greater risk often equals greater satisfaction."

Word.

I totally feel that whole independent thing. I still struggle with it. I've created this life around myself where I don't really need another person to make me feel whole. I have a good job, a million amazing friends who provide me with the love and support I need, a ridiculous family that I adore - it's not like I feel incomplete at all. I think part of the reason why I've never really "found love" is because I don't necessarily need it. Yes, I want a family and a husband and someone to come home to and have regular sex with, but I have so many other things in my life to keep me occupied. For a while, I thought that I needed to change myself, but honestly, I think I just need someone who has the same independent streak in them. I don't want to be anybody's babysitter or cruise ship activity director. I need someone who has their own life and is comfortable with me having mine.

So I'm going to go out, put myself out there and try new things. Hopefully that will help me meet some new people and really branch out. I need to get out of my comfort zone - it's become a little too boring.

ack! i don't know what's wrong with me.

Here I am, sitting in my apartment totally alone on a Thursday evening, getting ready to do laundry when I should be out and about drinking and whooping it up with the kickball kids. Except, I'm way too shy and was a big idiot and just went home. I haven't been to kickball in two weeks, so there are a few folks I don't know AND this week no one decided to show up, so there were only about 9 of us. I had a halfway decent time, even though I suck at kicking (I rock at catching, though, and made two outs so I'm rockstar status - haha). I even spent a fair amount of time chatting it up with the cutie who was acting as 3rd base coach (I was third basewoman during the game). Somehow, though, once I realized none of my friends were going to the bar afterwards, I just decided to cut out. Cutie was like "Not going to the bar?" and I told him no. He made a little face and I said, "Next time." I SUCK. Seriously. I'm always bitching about how I need to get my swerve on and I get an opportunity to go and flirt with boys that I don't know, that haven't fucked me over yet, and I say no. In favor of going home to watch Lost and clean my apartment. Epic fail.

I used to be so good at flirting - really, I was. I was amazing - totally effervescent, bubbly, slightly inappropriate and hysterical. Boys would eat it up with a spoon. That was always one thing I had. I'm not thin (and probably never will be - hello, thighs, ass and boobs. Thanks for always being there for me!) and I'm definitely not the prettiest girl in the room, but fuck, I could be charming when I needed to be. Yet somehow that's all been taken away from me. Factor in my haircut and what do I have left - pretty much my chest. That's it. I'm not just a walking, awkwardly talking pair of tits. Awesome. I need to get this shit back - it is not okay. I vow to go to kickball next week, to play my heart out and to drink like nobody's business, all while flirting with every eligible bachelor that is thrown in my path! Yes! Haha... we'll see if I actually do this. In the meantime, back to my boring life...

insomnia is no joke.

I don't know what's up with me, but I either can't sleep at night and stay up til 3am doing stupid shit like tooling around on the internet or I can't sleep in the morning and I wake up at 6am and do the same stupid shit. It's really weird. I spent most of this morning reading old blog/journal entries and trying to figure out my life. I love this blog - I really do. Some of my old entries were so insightful and perfectly introspective. I'd like to return to that style. I'm not sure why I haven't felt much like getting deep into my personal emotions. Part of it could be because I write at work and don't always have the luxury to edit and say things in exactly the right tone. It also could be because I've grown lazy. Not sure, but I'd like to return to form.

Additionally, I think I've decided to move this blog into more of the public arena very quickly. My goal is by the end of next week to have a new domain, a twitter account, and more pillow talk is extra goodness. I will probably epically fail all over the place, but hopefully I can at least get the domain set up. I've worked hard to get a readership and followers and I don't want to leave this blog (or you all) behind. Plus, I'm sorry - I think Pillow Talk Is Extra is a fan-fucking-tastic title and I don't want to give it up. Unfortunately it's too long for a Twitter handle so I have to shorten it a bit, but that shouldn't be too hard.

In scandalous news, I just did something impulsive involving a man. I think it could be the best chance I have for a summer fling, which it seems like we both want. More details should I decide to take it any further, but for right now, I'm still weighing my options. It would be nice to have a little fun this summer. =)

so much change.

Honestly, the world is turning topsy turvy - I feel like 85% of my friends are going through intense life changes this summer. Jammerz is going to law school, College BFF is going to grad school, Tall is moving to London for school, another friend is going to Baltimore to move in with her boyfriend, and I'm sure I'm forgetting a million other people whose lives are changing. I just can't believe how different things are going to be in a matter of months. I'm exhilarated and nervous all at the same time. I just hope I make it through okay.

In random news, TG might be moving to New York! Could you imagine? That would certainly make some aspects of my life easier, but it would also be strange to think of him in "my" city. Don't know how I feel about it. He suggested we have a phone date to talk sometime soon, so I guess eventually I'll know the full details, but for now I really don't know anything.

I'm still in San Francisco neighborhood limbo. No idea where I want to live and I get conflicting advice from just about everyone. I'm not sure what to think or who to ask - it's a nightmare. I guess if I just narrow it down to 4 or 5 neighborhoods, I can judge by what apartments are available when I get there. I mean, I'm sure it'll be fine - I always find a place to live and it always works out. I still can't believe there are only 2 months here! I'm trying to cram everything in before it all changes.

blogging while brown!

So this past weekend, I went to DC to participate in the Blogging While Brown conference and I'm really glad I went. I am one of the shyest people on Earth when it comes to these events. I'm just not good with large groups and meeting new people for the first time - I totally become a shrinking violet. I definitely did a lot of that this weekend, but I was still proud of myself for branching out and trying to learn more about a community that I don't really feel a part of - bloggers. I mean, I've been blogging for AGES. It's been 7 years since I started my first blog to give my high school friends an idea of what I was doing in college. However, as an anonymous blogger, it's hard to really feel like you're part of the community when you write things that are so personal and you don't attach your name to them.

I hemmed and hawed about how to introduce myself at the conference - even how to register. I elected to go with my given birth name, but not to give the link to my blog. When I first got to the conference, people were constantly asking for my blog address and I would give it with the caveat that it was an anonymous blog due to the nature of the content as well as where I work. Which sounds really frickin' lame. So then I decided to say that while I blog in my spare time as a journal of sorts, that I'm working on something that will be more open. Still lame, but a little less so. Especially considering how awkward it is to explain the title "Pillow Talk Is Extra." Good Lord!

Anyway, Day 1 was good - we got invited to the White House, where we met with the Head of African-American media and had a lively discussion about how the White House can reach out to African-Americans using new media. Especially with so many black folks on Twitter, I feel like the government has a really good outlet to reach the masses. I met a few cool people there - a lot of beauty bloggers (thank God cuz I need some help with my natural hair process), as well as some people my age who had some exciting projects in the pipeline. I skipped the evening events in favor of a Real Housewives marathon with the girls, but I was back in full force on Saturday for a full day of panels and speakers and networking.

It is really exciting to see how many bloggers of color there are out there and what kinds of things they're putting out there. I found a lot of it to be truly inspirational, especially as I struggle with what kind of blog I want to have. There were science bloggers, media bloggers, political bloggers, beauty bloggers - a wide representation of topics. I have so much food for thought from the conference and I really want to take the next few weeks to digest and think about where I want my own blog to go. I've been thinking a lot about changing things up. I still want to have an outlet where I can talk about my personal life in graphic detail (I'm an exhibitionist like that), but I also want to feel like I can put my name and some pictures up, so I'm working on getting that in place. Then I'd like to have something else where I can talk about something I'm passionate with. Hopefully in the next few weeks, I'll have some exciting new changes. Anyhow, I should finish doing my work. Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge tonight!

DC Weekend #1

I have two trips to DC planned this summer, so this is a recap of the first one - minus all the cool Blogging While Brown stuff. I got in on Thursday night, just in time to catch the end of the Celtics-Lakers game. It was a lot of fun to watch! I just realized I don't think I've ever watched a basketball game. Like, a professional one. I'm not sure why. College BFF says it's because I'm Puerto Rican and we just watch baseball (which, while offensive - lol - is true --- my parents are huge baseball fans and my dad is Puerto Rican). I like yelling, though, so I was enjoying the close nature of the match and all the back and forth.

Friday was dominated by conference stuff, until the evening where the girls and I just sat around watching the Real Housewives of NYC reunion. Those bitches are crazy - end of story. I'm glad my friends are not that psycho. Even the craziest chick I know can't hold a candle to those women. I like that my friendships are essentially drama free. I think it's what keeps me sane. Saturday was an all day conference day and then in the evening College BFF, Bambina and I went to this bar in Clarenden. I think we're all a little burnt out on the whole going out thing, so we had a couple of drinks and then promptly peaced out to go home and talk about men, life, love, race, etc.

Today, I went to the most amazing brunch. It was at a friend of Bee's and it was fantastic! I am always so in awe of women who are so put together and organized and domestic goddesses. Probably because I suck at all things domestic. I envied her so much. The food was delicious - two homemade pizzas (broccoli mushroom and a beet cheese onion), this fruit dip, and chocolate pudding pie. Fun conversation and lots of good food! I really can't wait to be in San Francisco where I can hopefully craft more of my cooking skills and entertain people in my apartment. I need to step my game up a bit in that department.

Anyhow, I'm on the Bolt Bus right now and desperately craving a nap, so I think I'm going to sign off and get some rest.

I will update tomorrow on the blogging conference and all of the learnings!

the yay area!

So, as discussed there are some things I'm really going to miss when I make the grand cross-country move to the Bay Area. In the spirit of balance and fairness, I want to talk about all the things I'm really looking forward to about life in San Francisco.

1. Engineers. I love me some engineers. I find them fascinating, captivating, and incredibly intelligent. I love working with them, dating them, having conversations with them, having them fix my computers. There's really nothing out there like an engineer - the way their minds work is just so different from how I operate that I cannot help but be enamored. Their nerdiness is so sexy to me. I can't wait to be in a place where I'm surrounded by them both inside and outside of work.
2. Working at headquarters. The California office of my company is fucking ridiculous. Those of you who know where I work know what I'm talking about. It's awesome - it cannot be beat. There's so much to do there - lots of extracurricular activities, excellent food, concerts, speeches, workshops. The NYC office really didn't stand a chance. It's all about working out of HQ. I can't wait to be back in my old office!
3. The weather. I am not a huge fan of heat and/or cold. So the San Francisco climate is perfect for me. While I will miss some aspects of having seasons, I'll definitely get over that shit in January or February when you East Coast bitches are dying from a snowstorm or -10 degree weather.  
4. Field trips. I haven't traveled that much around the West Coast, so there's so much to explore - Napa, the Pacific Coast, LA, San Diego. I can't wait to make some quick trips up and down the CA coast.
5. Mexican food. I'm sorry, but the shit they're serving in most NYC restaurants is not good Mexican food. I've found a few places I like, but when it comes to the good shit, San Francisco takes the cake. You can go to a hole in the wall taqueria or an upscale place and get some bomb ass food. Looking forward to eating amazing burritos and quesadillas on a regular basis. Oh, and Mexican Coca Cola. That stuff is amazing!
6. Being right in the heart of the tech world. I want to make a name for myself in the social media/tech sphere, so being out there where the action is will only help me. I can't wait to get more involved and figure out what I want my career to look like!
7. Dating again. This may be controversial, but I found the caliber of men in SF to be wayyy higher than what I've dealt with in NYC. Most of the men I dated out there were sweet, well-educated, gentlemanly, and had awesome careers. They knew what they wanted out of life and went for it, but didn't feel the need to dick women around. Most of my dead-end dates were due to incompatibility or lack of sexual attraction, not dealing with men who were bat shit insane. In New York, I just dealt with some bullshit. With so many crazies to deal with, in addition to the fact that there are more single women then men, dating in NYC is no picnic. I felt so much more in control of my dating life out in the Bay Area where the ratio was better and the city was so intellectual.
8. Actually having a kitchen table.  The only friends I have in NYC with kitchen tables live in Brooklyn and I typically don't do Brooklyn. I just miss having space in my apartment to do shit. Instead we all live in these places with fake walls, cramming multiple people in apartments made for two. Real estate in SF ain't cheap, but at least you know that when you shell out $1310 a month (my current rent), you can actually get a place to yourself with a real living room and a real kitchen, which I don't have currently in NYC.
9. House & dinner parties. To continue on the apartment thread - people in SF entertain. In their houses! This is unreal. In NYC, I've never even seen half of my friends' apartments and birthday parties always take place at a bar. I can't wait to have people in my apartment - to make dinner, to have movie nights and poker nights. It's nice to have a place where you can invite people and they have a place to sit. That and it's so much cheaper not be spending $14 a pop on some cocktail every time you want to have a good time.
10. Balanced work schedule. When it comes to work, I prefer the early bird schedule. In by 8, out by 5. Except I work with West Coast peepz, which means that doesn't really work. Instead it's more of a 10:30am to 7pm schedule and I hate that. But, with me on the West Coast, I can finally work that early bird schedule and it's not such a big deal. I expect that I'll have such a better work-life balance. Cannot wait!

Anyhow, I'm off to DC for a blogging conference - Blogging While Brown. Holler if you'll be there too!

purge.

Lately, while my excitement for moving back to SF is very real and very strong, I've been thinking about all of those things that I'm going to miss when I'm in California. All of those really 'East Coast' things that I will have to learn to live without. Or at least learn to only get once or twice a year. I've decided to do what I do best and make a list, so that I can just get it all out in the open and purge all of my fears and all of the things I grew up loving and enjoying. So here are the Top 10 things I'll miss about my New York existence.

1. Living in close proximity to people who knew me when I was 13. I don't care how weird you think I am, but a substantial chunk of my friends in New York are kids I went to middle (in some cases elementary) school with. We've known each other half our lives or more. They knew me back when I was awkward (I'm still awkward, just in a much cuter way), didn't know how to dress or style my hair, and was alcohol-free. I value these friendships more than I can express because these kids are my *family* We grew up together, we know each others' parents, we played at each others' houses as kids. There's something so special about someone who knows the person you were before the person you've become and watched that change happen. There's nothing like it. I'm going to miss the familiarity.
2. The food - bagels, knishes, pizza... I'm sorry but I'm a little snot and there are some foods I just won't eat if I'm not in NYC. Bagels happen to be one of them. Every time I've consumed a bagel in California, my first thought after that initial bite is... Why the fuck did you do that?! It always tastes like crap.
3. Fall foliage. This isn't such a big deal since I technically have to spend October in CA for my job, regardless of where I reside, but I love the leaves in the fall. The changing colors - it's simply beautiful. That crisp chill in the air, going apple or pumpkin picking, taking a hay ride. I'm literally about to cry just thinking about how I won't be seeing these things for a very long time. If I ever stop doing the job I do, you can bet I will be booking vacation to the East Coast for the fall.
4. The NYC Subway system. You can always get wherever you need to go at any time. In San Francisco, I spent half of my time waiting for the bus and the other half cursing it. This go-round, I think I'll just walk.
5. Having my own little army of manual labor about 35 miles away. My parents and three strapping brothers live on Long Island and have helped me move whenever I need it. When my TiVo broke, my father came and fixed it. Seriously, my family is like a godsend - it's going to be strange when they're not around to help, but I guess this is growing up.
6. Train/bus rides to places like DC, Boston, and Providence. Traveling around the East Coast is cheap, easy and affordable. I can go so many places by train or bus for $20 a pop. I don't think the West Coast is that easy.
7. The fact that you can get anything - and I mean ANYTHING - at any hour of the day or night. Bars and clubs that don't close til 5am. Delivery.com for 4am cravings. There really isn't anything you can't obtain whenever you want it in NYC. Even the frickin' liquor stores deliver!
8. Bankers and other boys in suits. Every morning, as I leave my apartment in the Financial District, I get to see at least a dozen men dressed to the nines in sharp suits and fancy shoes. Bonus points because they *always* let all the women off the elevator first and they hold doors and smile oh so politely at you. *Swoon* I'm now reminded why I used to love bankers.
9. Warm summer nights. There really is no summer in SF. Even on the days when it gets hot (and that's usually a cap of 80 degrees in the city, maybe 90 in the South Bay), it is still chilly at night. Which means you always need a sweater. Some of my fondest memories of NYC are spending time walking through the city in the warm night air. I'll miss that.
10. Long Island. Best. Place. Ever. 'Nuff said.

So that's my list! Tune in tomorrow, for Top 10 things I'm excited about in SF! =)

long island girl.

Had a really nice weekend home on Long Island. As much as I love Manhattan, I am a true Long Island girl, born and raised. It was good to eat freshly baked *real* bagels, hang out at Starbucks, see a movie and go to a BBQ at Slindy's house. That and driving around with my windows open in my mom's car blasting rap music and acting gangster even though I'm from the suburbs =)

I have a bit of a dilemma. I stupidly gave this boy I've been talking to online my phone number and now he's blowing up my phone and wants to go out and I just don't know if I'm into it. I mean, I have 2 months here and I feel like I should focus on my friends and all the plans I've made instead of trying to date someone that I don't even know if I like. I'm just tired of wasting my energy on men and at this stage of the game I feel like when I meet someone I truly like, it won't feel like work. So that's that. There's been enough craziness over the past two years with TG, The Intellectual, and all the other dumbasses I've been involved with. The next two months need to belong to me - packing, moving, planning, working out, drinking, hanging with my friends. That sounds like a good plan to me.

okay, i'll try to recap everything...

It's been a week and so much shit has gone down! I walked a half-marathon and took a trip to San Diego. I got ridiculously tan all over and finally saw Sex & the City 2. I volunteered with children in East Harlem and am so close to being done with Season 1 of Lost. Life is good! I even had time to fight with TG. All in a week's work, right?

The San Diego marathon was awesome and has inspired me to start working out hard core again. I miss punishing my body through exercise - that was such a huge part of my life when I was younger. I even loved getting up at 4AM for boot camp - my body thrives on physical exercise. I've resolved to run a half-marathon next year! I cannot wait. It's just amazing what your body can do. That was what I loved so much about the marathon - you see all of these people of all different shapes and sizes (contrary to popular belief, not everyone who runs a marathon is skinny or even athletically built) and their bodies are getting them through 26.2 miles. It just taught me that your body doesn't need to be perfect in order to be capable of doing some truly amazing things. After the race, we had a nice girl's vacation - beach, booze, etc. It was a nice break from work and the stress of life in NYC.

I also enjoyed the volunteering uptown. I do not do enough to give back to any community and sometimes it makes me feel so ashamed of myself. I need to find a cause (or two) and try to give something back. I enjoy working with kids - especially foster kids or children without proper families - so I think I'm going to find something to do around that when I get back to SF. I also want to start working with the San Francisco Sex Institute to get myself trained up to be a proper sex educator.

Lastly, TG. God, I don't even want to hash that out, but I suppose you're all at least mildly curious, so I'll try to be brief. He e-mails me post-rejection saying he's going to be in NYC and might be free if I'm around to hang out. I e-mail back and tell him I'm not ready to see him because I'm still hurt and broken up about what happened. No response, so I just figure - okay. He got it. Then, last night, I get an IM from him with a link in it. I make small-talk and then I disappear to take a nap. When I wake up, he's messaging me, asking "are you still being silly and don't want to hangout?" Which launched into an amazingly frustrating conversation in which I feel like he had no regard for my feelings and also told me that I was being unfair to *him.* UGH. He accused me of just wanting to have established relationships for when I move back to SF, which is definitely not what this is about. Hell, I'm trying to run away from the vast majority of my relationships in that city. ARGGG. Then he called me dramatic and said I turn everything into some sort of life-changing experience which isn't fair to him. Yada, yada, yada. Yes, I see the meaning in a lot of things and look at life more 'big picture,' but I don't get what his issue is with that. I've been so low-maintenance and drama-free with him. I don't call him with random shit or blow up his facebook/twitter feed yelling at him. I barely even ask him for much - just to hang out every so often when I'm in town. Anyway, let me stop this before I get upset. Bottom line: I didn't hang out with him and he's annoying me. If he keeps it up, he could end up like the Intellectual, who I wouldn't touch with a 50 foot pole. Maybe that's for the best. Maybe to get over him, I just have to start hating him.

TG Showdown, part II.

So very shortly after writing that blog entry, I get a ping from him saying hey and asking if he could call me. I looked at my coworker and she was telling me I may want to wait until I get home, which I agreed with. When I told him that, though, he just started to type shit and I really wanted to make sure everything was said on the phone, so I told him to call me. I found a private phone room so we could have the conversation.

The short of it - he likes me, thinks we have fun together and that there's such a connection and so much trust between us, but he doesn't want a relationship. He thinks if things are too confusing for me that we should probably just be friends.

The long of it - I told him that I couldn't handle all this back and forth and that it was so difficult to deal with. He agreed with me and mentioned how hard it is when I come back and then I leave and he could see how it could be confusing. I also told him that I don't want him to ask me for advice about the girls he dates ("It was nothing - just a dinner," he reassured me about the date. Which of course wasn't the point...) because I just can't handle that. He agreed that that was probably a bad idea on his part and that it's not like I talk to him about my dating or that he even asks about it, so he's fine not discussing those things with me. He told me that he still wants to see me and hang out with me, if I want to do drinks or a movie at some point. He's going to be in NYC next week, but he told me he would find someplace else to stay, which I think is for the best.

I then told him that I just wanted to be honest about my feelings because sometimes I find it hard to do that. That was when he basically ripped into me and told me that that was pretty much the reason why he didn't want to have a relationship with me. He told me I was "closed off, secretive, and not very forthcoming." He says I hide pieces of myself and that it's hard for him since he considers himself to be a very open guy.

I'm not going to lie - that kind of stung a bit because I was working on that aspect of my personality. I feel like I've really let him in over the past two years, but apparently he doesn't see any of that. I guess it was too little, too late. It just seems like with him you're always who you were in the beginning - no register of any kind of change. I feel like he has such a skewed picture of me and part of it is my fault because I'm not the 'wear my heart on my sleeve' type, but I also just don't know if he sees the improvements and changes I'm trying to make. Whatever.

I'm done with him. He says we can be friends, but I just don't care anymore. If he talks to me, I'll talk back, but I'm not initiating anything. I've made a million plans next week - flight home from San Diego on Tuesday, drinks with friends on Wednesday, kickball on Thursday, and a date on Friday. I do not intend to lay eyes on him at all while he's in New York. When I go apartment hunting in SF, I will not see him. When I move to SF, I will not see him. I know it's not the most mature thing to do, but when someone hurts my feelings, this is how I react. Plus, I think we know that seeing him will only make things worse.

I'm out.

we interrupt your regularly scheduled programming...

I was totally supposed to talk about Commencement and how awesome it was and how great it was to see everyone and drink like I was still in college (which my body cannot handle, btw), but there are more pressing matters at hand. I basically laid down the gauntlet with TG and e-mailed him this whole long message telling him my feelings and how confused/frustrated he makes me with all of this back and forth. I'm expecting that it ends with him telling me he's not interested in me "like that" and that he just wants to be friends, but the fact of the matter is I needed to lay everything on the line. I needed to be honest and to tell him how I feel and tell him that I think we need some boundaries in our relationship because I can't handle some of the bullshit he throws my way.

Last night, I was doing my usual television watching (just started watching Lost from the beginning), when I noticed I had an IM from him. He'd already signed off but basically it was him asking me for outfit advice for a date he was going on with some "artsy hipster girl" (his description, not mine). I don't know why but I just lost it. Not in the sense that I cried or got mad or upset, but I just calmly thought, "Okay, enough is enough, I can't take this anymore." Of course, I had no idea what to do because I'm functionally retarded when it comes to relationships, so I turned to someone I trust (Shruti), who has more experience with dating and relationships and is 9 million times more mature than I am. Between the two of us, we decided that I needed to e-mail him and just lay down the law. I drafted something and she helped me proof it (thanks, Shru!) and then I hit send.

I told him that I still have feelings for him and that while I hoped that we could become the kind of friends who can talk about anything, I don't really think we can, at least not now. I told him that I didn't understand his hot-and-cold, wishy-washy behavior and that it made no sense. I let him know that I still feel a connection to him and I can't really deal with him asking me about girls, while continuing to flirt with me via text and IM. He just can't have it both ways with me. I told him that I don't want to remove him from my life, but that I also need some rules and boundaries between us if a friendship is going to be possible.

I haven't heard anything back yet and I'm truly terrified of what's going to go down, but I need to close this chapter of my life. It's been two years and I'm ready to be done. Will keep you posted on the outcome =)