so it is a done deal.

TG is definitely moving to NYC, most likely around October or November, but as early as September. I'm not going to lie, when he told me, it felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Since my new apartment is so close to his, I was super worried about running into him and his hookup of the weekend at brunch or the grocery store and it'll be nice to know that I don't have to worry about that, not even a little bit. It was a much different reaction than I felt the first time he told me he was thinking about moving, when I felt a little sad about it. Now, it's pretty much just relief. I'm a little mad that he'll be in "my" city, but other than that I think it's a much healthier resolution to this 3 year saga. I wish him all the best of luck.

I wonder how I'll deal with this in the future. Dating someone and then having things implode and having to see them. I mean, I have very little experience with committed monogamy. But, unless the next man I date seriously dies, moves, or marries me, I'm going to have to figure out how to cope when a relationship combusts. In Manhattan, it was pretty easy - most of the guys I dated just disappeared into this huge city. The Intellectual worked in the Bronx and lived in Brooklyn, so clearly we weren't going to run into each other anywhere. Then most of the other guys I've dated I didn't give two shits about so it didn't matter. It's really only when my feelings get involved that we have a problem. I suppose that's what growing up is about, though. I'll just have to sack up and deal.

The idea that I'm going to be able to create a truly new life is exciting and exhilarating. I mean, I have some friendship issues that I have to work through, but in general I think I'm going to really be able to do this in a nice, constructive way. I feel like I've been waiting for this point - the chance to strike out on my own in a positive situation. When I first moved to CA, I was young and stupid. I made some serious mistakes and had some lapses in judgment. Top that all off with almost dying and you don't really get a positive experience - it was a learning experience and I grew a lot, but 75% of the time it wasn't pleasant. This is a chance to redeem myself and take a fresh stab at it. I know it takes about 2 years to get really comfortable in a new place, but I'm hoping it'll only be about a year until I start really feeling at home in San Francisco. I'm already about halfway there, just need to get the other 50%.

i'm trying to be a good girl.

Which we all know is difficult for me. I'm already kind of epic failing all over the place with my resolutions for my last 3 weeks in New York, but I guess I'm doing okay, all things considered. So upon my triumphant return to the States NYC, I decided that I was going to avoid four things:

1. Drinking in my apartment
2. Eating crap and not exercising
3. Stalking Monitoring TG on Twitter, Facebook, Foursquare, etc.
4. Biting my nails

So far, I've only 100% succeeded on the drinking, which in and of itself is shocking. Yesterday was my first substance free day. I've decided it's okay to drink at bars and restaurants, but that I should save the calories (and the headaches) for evenings out. 

I did do a *teeny* bit of exercising yesterday - some weights and squats - but not nearly enough. I'm starting to feel yucky and gross and I don't want to go to California feeling like a cow. Today, I'm determined to get my booty to the gym in our building and do some running and sweating to get rid of my tummy and tone up these arms. Wish me luck.

As far as TG goes, I'm doing okay, but not 100% where I want to be. I've only looked at his Twitter once yesterday, but that was against the rules, so I'm trying to go a full day without caring what he's doing. It's hard, but it gets easier all the time. I'm not as attached to him as I once was, but sometimes curiosity gets the better of me, which I know is bad. I honestly don't want to know what he's doing, so I should stop looking.

Biting my nails has been tough because I have now developed this thing where I don't even realize I'm doing it and I just have my fingers in my mouth. Wish I could find other things to do with my mouth (haha, can you tell how sexually frustrated I am right now?), but alas I'll just have to settle for chewing gum. 

So yeah, that's my boring life! Trying to be good. Pray for me!

finally back from CA!

So my trip back from San Francisco was absolutely hellish. I got up at 6 am to catch my 8:30am flight, which ended with a four hour layover in the Las Vegas airport. So by the time it was boarding time for the next leg of the flight I was pretty antsy. The plane was 15 minutes late, but then we got on it and we sat on it for two hours. They told us that something on the computer was malfunctioning and said that the plane wasn't fit to fly, even though the plane had been checked out and everything was okay. So people are freaking out and laughing nervously. Then they tell us that they have to fly a part in from SAN FRANCISCO before we can get on the plane. So they let us out. Six hours (yes, SIX HOURS) later, we were able to board the plane. Which means I spent 10 hours in the Las Vegas airport. Kill me in the face. Arrived to JFK at 4am and then back to my apartment at 4:30am. It was a trying night. I wanted to work from home today but I was missing something that I needed from the office, so I just came in late.

BUT, the good news is that I found an apartment. It wasn't any of the ones I'd seen when I last posted. I saw it on Friday morning and signed the lease on Saturday. It's a true 1 bedroom, in the NoPa (north of Panhandle) area. It has an eat-in kitchen, tons of closet space, beautiful bay windows with a sitting ledge in the living room, and a big bedroom. I cannot wait to live there. I'm super excited. It's close to my shuttle for work and it's in a nice, cute neighborhood that's easy to get to should I decide to entertain. I am so ready to move in! Now that the hard part is over I have to decide what day to move in and what I need to buy and all that fun logistics stuff. The only negative about the apartment is that it's in the same neighborhood as TG's place, only 1 mile away by foot. I mean, it could be worse, but it could be better, lol. I'm not even trying to think about that, though. The important part is that I have an apartment and I like it and I'm done being stressed out over that. I even found a new neighborhood restaurant that MB and I will be going to on a regular basis. So I already feel at home =)

I have a ton more to update on, but I'm trying to get *some* work done today, so I'll save it for tomorrow.

sorry, i've been gone for a week.

Apartment hunting is no frickin' joke - seriously, I'm so sick and tired of doing it. I'm ready to just go home and call it a week, but on I press. I have an appointment at 2:30pm up in North Beach that I should be getting ready for, in addition to a million calls to make. Here's the experience so far:

• Applied for 1 apartment, then realized I didn't really want it - I only liked the location and the proximity to my shuttle for work. Spent all night tossing and turning about it, and agonizing TG with my inability to commit (something I'm sure he's used to - badumching!). Ended up getting approved for that apartment, but I'm not taking it. Bleh.
• I've been up and down and up and down SF - visiting about 20 apartments, most of them shitty in one way or another. On the plus side, me and the Muni system are like *that* - I know how to get anywhere from anywhere, bitches! Quiz me!
• I found it - the holy grail of apartments. 1000 square feet, Russian Hill, beautiful, SO MUCH SPACE. I applied immediately (thank goodness because there was another chick there with me), but I have to wait - get this - a WEEK to hear back. I'm like WTF - I need a place NOW. But, seriously, it's just so perfect. I will never find another apartment that nice, that big, that close to the shuttle, in just the neighborhood that I want to be in. It's destiny and yet it seems like I'm not going to get it. FML.
• I've talked to my mother more on this trip than I have in the past month. I call her every fucking morning and after every appointment and whenever I'm early for appointments and we just chat about apartments ALL THE TIME. It's ridiculous how dependent I am on her sometimes. Can't handle it, but love that she's a teacher and is around this summer to help me 24/7.

Then there's the whole 'being in San Francisco' thing. I must say, despite the shittastic-ness (sp?) of this particular apartment hunt, I'm still loving being here. It's cold outside, but that's a welcome respite from the 100 degree heat of New York City. Plus I enjoy taking long walks around the city, going from apartment to apartment. I like looking at the neighborhoods, spending time in my company's SF office, and also just being on "vacation" and not having to do any work for the week. It feels pretty fucking sweet. I think I could be happy and content here. So yay for that!

Last but not least, the TG thing. It was interesting to stay with him for 5 days, 4 nights. I mean, it was a very intimate experience - to basically live with someone for a little under a week. So yeah, there was no air mattress - we shared the same room and generally did the same things. When I got in on Saturday, we napped together for like 4 hours - it was blissful! Then we saw Inception with his friends, then did a solo dinner and then he dragged me around the Mission for house parties and a club party. It was fun - I met a lot of his female friends and talked to some new people. It was a good night, all in all. We got home and got in bed and hooked up - no sex (stupid period), but other stuff. He was all "we don't have to do anything" beforehand, but of course the second I went to respond to that he started kissing me and we pretty much got carried away after that. It was the only time we hooked up, though. Even though we spent the rest of the nights in bed together. He was still affectionate with me and we had a good time - just less sex stuff. It's nice to joke around with him and laugh and have a good time. I think we're starting to get to a good place and I want to explore that because I think he's a good friend most of the time. I'm curious to see what it's like when I'm out here permanently. He seems to think we can be good friends and hang out all the time, but I'm less convinced of that. We shall see.

Now I'm staying with Freshman Year Best Friend, which is awesome! He cooked an amazing dinner and had friends over last night and then we went through two bottles of wine. I'm enjoying the stay so far. Then on Friday, I get to stay with MB! I'm so excited I could scream! I haven't seen her in ages and we have so much to catch up on. I really can't wait to be back here and able to hang out with everyone full time. Yay! I'm excited!

Right now, I'm feeling kind of odd - I kind of miss TG a little bit. It's the same hole in my heart feeling I get whenever I leave someone's house where I've been staying or whenever a visitor leaves me. It's just strange. Totally hard to describe, but definitely a strong feeling. Oh, well. I'll try and update more frequently! Love you all!

i lost my phone and i hate the world.

I lost my precious baby Nexus One phone in a cab last night and I will most likely never get it back. The battery was dead so I can't even call it and I have no idea what taxi cab I was in because I paid in cash. Wow. I also have my period and cramps. Life sucks right now and I want to murder someone. So now I have to decide how long I want to look for my phone and whether I should just say "fuck it" and get the new Droid X. Also sucks because all my work shit is on there and so I have to go to the authorities at work and declare my phone lost and all that jazz. Wonderful.

Outside of that, though, had a fabulous drunk night with my friends. Started out with dinner for 9 at Mole - one of my fave Mexican places in the city. Margaritas and mojitos are the best combination. I was ridiculous, as per usual - I talk so much trash when I'm drunk it's not even funny. After dinner, moved it over to Art Bar for more drinks and ridiculousness. Never order a butterscotch martini - it will kill you. Especially when you take it like a shot. Number one reason why I should stop challenging boys to drinking battles. No one ever really wins. After being trashed, hopped in the cab with my roommates and went home, which is when I lost my phone. Poo.

Anyhow, spending today prepping for SF and trying to recover my baby. Hope you all are having a better morning than I am, espesh since I've been up since 5am. I don't know why alcohol makes me get up early. It's sick.

confronting my own adulthood.

"I'm really too young to be feelin' this old." - Drake

Story of my life right now. I had a whole write-up on beauty that I wanted to post, but I'm sitting in my apartment, drinking wine, and preparing for my apartment hunt and I just feel like this is it. These are the moments where I'm becoming an adult. Orchestrating my own apartment search, thinking about what I really want in life and what kind of woman I want to be. It's terrifying, but I suppose it's time.

I just want to have an apartment that's mine - that I can decorate to my liking and I can do the things I want to do. Wash the dishes the way I like, clean the way I like. I'm afraid I'm going to become a world-class hermit, but hopefully I'll find ways to combat that. I'm even looking forward to the inevitable loneliness of moving. Those times when you have nothing to do and no one to call and you don't even know where to go. I think it'll be liberating in a way.

Talked to TG today. We even talked about dating. Not each other, of course, but just in general. I told him I hadn't dated for 14 months and he asked me about it. I told him after The Intellectual I needed a break. Well, actually what I said was, "After dating a guy who was a stripper, I needed a break." To which he responded "ha, and now I'm done asking questions." Haha - I'm glad that maybe I can make him a little uncomfortable about my dating. It's a slow road with him, but we're making progress, I guess. We'll see how the weekend goes. Even this seems adult to me - trying to get along with my ex, when I alternate between wanting to rip his throat out and crying over him. Well, not crying, just getting upset.

I'm thinking about my job and how to turn it into career - what I want out of it and how to go about getting it. Bettering myself and learning more about tech so I can find a place in that world. I want to have a job that fulfills me. To balance out the job, I'm thinking about dating and boys and what I want. Part of me wants to be silly and stupid - like on Friday night, just going out and being the girl I used to be back when I still knew how to have fun in a youthful way. Back when I was silly and sexy and charming. But, I also know I want something serious - to meet a man that I can build a life with.

It's hard being me sometimes because I'm so contradictory by nature. I like the youthfulness, but I also want to be forever young. Hopefully, I can find the balance.

feeling very blah.

This week is determined to suck because it's the week before I go to California for 9 days. So much to do - cleaning, packing, planning, prepping to find an apartment. AHHH. I'm super nervous about this trip for a multitude of reasons (some of them of my own making). What if I don't find a place? What if I get rejected from a place I do like? What if I don't have enough money? What if I can't handle staying with TG? What if I annoy FYBF when I stay with him and he hates me? What if I get to SF and think I've made the wrong decision?

Geez, aren't you glad you don't live inside my head? This is pretty much how I am about almost everything - big or small. I could come up with a 30 minute internal dialogue about what fucking restaurant to eat at so you know that finding an apartment is not going to be easy.

Plus all of my SF social drama - feeling like I have no friends, staying with an ex and wondering what the sleeping sitch is going to be there. I think we agreed he'd give me a key and I can come and go as I please, so I don't know if we're gonna hang out or if this is just like me staying at a hotel and we barely speak. He says he "misses having a movie buddy" so he's excited about me moving back. ::Eye roll:: Whatevs... I made my bed on that one and so I will lie in it. Or my air mattress... hopefully.

Hmm, what else is irking me? I totally forgot my mom's birthday. Like I remember that it's tomorrow, but I forgot to buy or send anything so my shit is going to be late and my crazy ass mother will probably rip me a new asshole. Not that I can afford to send anything all that good anyway. Meh.

Anyhow, I have mucho trabajo to complete so I don't get fired. Off to work!

this is why i don't party all the time.

I was supposed to have a pretty low-key Friday night - just kickin' it with Slindy, eating some dinner, seeing a movie, and calling it a night. The plan started out well - dinner with S and Slindy at El Cabrito followed by seeing Eclipse. I totally fell in love all over again with Taylor Lautner and the movie was wayyy better than the first two (yeah, I know that's not saying much). After the movie, Slind and I met up with some friends at a bar called Live Bait and that's where all hell broke loose.

I don't know what happened, but I only spent $7.50 on drinks and yet I was shit-faced. The boys just kept buying drink after shot after drink after shot. I remember this one drink called an Adios Motherfucker that nearly killed me. It was like a blue drink of death and that combined with the SoCo Lime and tequila shots, plus all the other drinks that were bought for me and I was out of control. The night is kind of blurry but I remember flirting hardcore with the bouncer, who told me I was beautiful and had pretty eyes. Then when I got bored with that, so I came back inside the bar and chatted it up with a cute Mexican boy about the restaurant where he works. Around 3am or so, I started to feel like I was going to pass the fuck out, so I vamoosed and caught a cab.

Talk about the cab ride of death. It was ridiculously bumpy and I spent the whole time trying desperately not to vomit all over everything. I chewed gum, opened the windows, and just kept swallowing hoping I could keep it down until I got home. Apparently, I'm awesome and I made it home without vomiting. I also didn't get sick at all, so I guess all that gum-chewing worked! Passed out face first on my bed and woke up the next day wondering what the fuck happened. I could barely function so I got some Chipotle and slammed down as much water and Sprite as I could get my hands on. I ended up napping and woke up to a strange text message about a dinner reservation from a number I didn't recognize. So I guess, in my chatting with the cute chef guy, I gave him my number and he promised he'd get me a reservation at his restaurant. Wow, epic fail. I seriously need to stop giving my phone number out like candy, especially when I can't remember doing it. Luckily, I just canceled the reservation and told him thanks, but that I wouldn't be able to take it.

In other bad news decisions while drunk, I got an email from TG while I was out so I texted him twice with no answer. Eh, I'm a little embarrassed, but I know him well so it's fine and the texts were completely benign. I don't even think he could tell I was drunk, which is apparently a huge flaw (or gift, in some cases) that I have. I can talk to people while I'm hammered and you won't even know the difference. I'm really good at it and I do it all the time with guys (hence, giving the guy my phone number). So yeah, I'ma keep it tame for a little bit because I know how I am when I party and I usually end up doing stupid shit.

Okay, folks - time to get ready for the week!

i literally think this may be the only weekend this summer that i'm in NYC.

With all of my crazy traveling, I haven't spent a weekend in Manhattan since May! So I'm really excited to be here this weekend and to have no plans. The only thing on the docket is tonight - dinner at El Cabrito with Slindy, so we can get our fancy Mexican corn that we love so much (I think I was Mexican in a former life because I just love the food so much). Then I'm going to see Eclipse (don't hate!)! Cannot wait to drool over Taylor Lautner's abs while also forgetting the fact that he is 18 years old and I'm almost 25. It's legal, whatever.

I need to get my house in order, both literally and figuratively. There is so much laundry to wash, so many rooms to clean, and lots of planning to do. The roommates and I need to chat about what the hell is going on with our apartment for next year. I also have to figure out a way to make some cash moneys quickly. I wouldn't mind catching an indie flick and working on my tan lines, perhaps even some cooking? Sounds fantastic!

Next weekend I head off to apartment hunt like a madwoman, where I'll be for a full week and two weekends. The following weekend I visit B in Charlottesville. Then I have to start preparing for the move, which most likely means lots of time on Long Island with the parentals, going through my shit and planning everything out. Craziness.

Life is really moving at the speed of light right now. I kind of like it.

broke.

So technically I'm not broke, but I have to save up for the move so I feel like none of my money is my own. I had a goal to raise X amount of dollars and I would be SO CLOSE to that if I hadn't had to lend my mother half of the money. So now I'm halfway to my goal and terrified that it's not enough for me to (a) put down a deposit on an apartment (b) finance my house-hunting trip (c) pay to furnish my apartment and (d) pay to fly out to CA. I'm not even sure how to raise more money. I mean, I have my job, but I still have super expensive rent in NYC, a credit card bill, miscellaneous bills, and more family members asking me to donate to things and it's causing me some serious stress.

I hate being stressed out about money, especially when it's not like I'm a freelance writer or unemployed or any of that. I work for one of the best companies in the world, I make a decent living, and even I feel crushed. The one time I manage to turn my finances around and my *parents* are the ones who fuck it up for me. It just doesn't feel fair. I don't even know what to do - because I feel this sense of obligation to my parents for raising me and paying for part of my schooling and giving me a home, but I also know that I can't afford to support them and myself. I also think they need to have their own sense of financial responsibility and I can't just save them every time they need help. Quite frankly, they were lucky that I had the fucking money they asked for because normally I have next to no savings. I'm going to be selling my body on the streets over the next month to finance this move and I know my stupid mother will complain if I don't furnish my apartment to the nines, but quite frankly I'm not willing to go into debt over that. I'd rather take my time and get things in order with my money before loading up my credit card with more debt than I can handle.

I'm practically hyperventilating as I type this, so if anyone has any ideas on how I can make some quick cash, they would be much appreciated. I was considering looking into a second job, but I don't think I even have time for that with all the traveling I'm going to be doing. I guess I can start selling stuff... Arg. Just want to be stable for once.

i'm a free bitch, baby!

OMG, so much I want to talk about right now - my money woes, my dieting woes, the fact that I've become crazy psycho about stalking TG (whoops!), but we'll save all that for a later date and instead focus on the amazingness that was the Lady Gaga concert last night. It was Madison Square Gaga last night and I absolutely loved it! The set, her fabulous costumes, the fact that she played every single song I wanted to hear. It was all excellent!

I don't really do the whole concert thing - I've only been to two in my life (one was a band called the Coral - I got dragged there - and the other was Maroon 5/John Mayer) and I never really feel compelled to go. There was something about Gaga, though, that made me want to shell out the money. I guess it's because I love pretty much every song she puts out and I also feel like I identify with *so* many of the songs. Just Dance is one of the jams I play whenever I'm feeling shitty or confused and Speechless brings me to tears. I also just love the way she embraces being different and tells her fans that it's okay to be whoever the fuck you are.

The show itself was pretty fucking spectacular. There were about 18 costume changes - there was this one white number with mechanical, moving parts that made me gasp it was so beautiful. I also didn't expect the show to last 2 hours and while being on my feet for that long was rough (I can only imagine how she felt!), it was good to hear every song I wanted to hear. I think the second half was better than the first - I like more of Gaga's newer stuff, but hearing some of the old stuff was cool. I also really liked her inspirational words and the story that the show told. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get where I'm going, and it was encouraging to watch her up there on stage living her dream. My mother told me she fell in love with Lady Gaga after listening to her on Oprah - she found her to be so articulate and passionate about her work. Well, I definitely fell in love with her post-concert. She's truly a rock star.

It was also really awesome to see a New York City girl, with a New York City opening band, in one of the best venues in New York City. I'm going to miss this place like you wouldn't even believe.

july 4th dc extravaganza!

Just got back last night from DC visiting College BFF and Bambina. I headed down there on Friday afternoon with Jammerz and Slindy. It was amazing - I love going to DC and it was so good to see the sorority sisters. We spent Saturday museum-ing - nothing too interesting, unfortunately, but I like walking around and seeing new things so it was cool. Then we headed to LA's for an amazing rooftop party, complete with a gin bucket and vodka-soaked gummy bears. Seriously, I need to learn how to make those gummies because they were fabulous. I was pretty shit-faced by the end of the night and spent most of the party dancing to Reggaeton and learning the Lady Gaga "Bad Romance" dance in anticipation of the concert tonight! In other words, I was a hot mess.

We did the National Mall for fireworks on the actual Fourth of July. It was really, really amazing. I've never seen a better set of fireworks and I loved being with friends from both childhood and college. It was a nice blending of the worlds.

I'm really going to miss my college BFF. Last weekend was likely the last time I'll see her for a good, long while. I just enjoy the fact that we can have intellectual conversation for *hours* about any and everything. I feel like I don't get enough of that in my life. Especially being able to talk about what it's like to be a bourgie black girl in today's society. I'm going to miss that. And our heated discussions about men and dating. I suppose we can always send e-mails.

I'm getting ready for my trip to SF and I'm terrified. I'm scared I won't find an apartment and that I won't have enough money or good enough credit. The whole thing is terrifying to me. I'm also staying with three people - TG, Freshman Year BFF, and MB. Yes, that's right, I'm staying with TG. Should be a shitshow, but I'm desperate and desperately poor, so that's how it's going to be. I don't know how I'm going to afford this little excursion. I've already decided to go into work every morning and afternoon for a free breakfast and lunch because I don't think I can spare the money for food. I've been having some serious money trouble lately and need to find a way to make some cash quickly. I don't even know where to begin and just thinking about it is giving me anxiety so I'll save that particular drama for another post.

I have the day off today so I'm going to tool around until GAGA tonight!!! Hope you all had a wonderful 4th!