ugh, i can't handle my ridiculousness.

I just realized I haven't written anything substantial about my life in a week! I've been sick - I have this horrible man-cough and can barely breathe. All I do is blow my nose - so attractive! I went out on Friday anyway, when cubemate came to SF to stay with me and party it up in the Mission. We had a fun night and I even invited The Blexican and a few of my girlfriends to come along. It was fun - we had these ridiculously strong margaritas at Latin American Club. I don't even think I can explain to you how much tequila was in them. That, and it was served in a pint glass. Needless to say, after one, we were shit-faced. The boy doesn't drink, so he was basically just listening to us ramble on about crazy things, being our typical bitchy, New York City selves. The rest of the weekend, I'm keeping it low-key and trying to get over my sickness. I was supposed to hang out with MB and Blondie, as well as The Blexican, but I canceled.

Which brings me to my current pensive state on dating The Blexican. I'm just confused and I feel like I'm over dating him and I don't even know why. The whole 'meeting the friends' thing was okay - he was just deathly silent. Like almost mute. I mean, I get that he was probably nervous and that it was all girls and whatnot, but I was hoping that he would talk a little more, especially since my friends did try to bring him into the conversation. I just wonder if a person with a personality like mine needs someone who is a bit more outgoing and exciting. Then the other half of me thinks - well, maybe it's better to be with someone a bit calmer and low-key. I don't know. I just have so many reservations and I think about how this could be a good 'starter relationship,' but that feels kind of bitchy. It's like - do I date just to date or should I be dating with a purpose? I mean, I can see us having a nice run of things, but I don't know how long it would last or if it's even wise to get involved when I'm not 100% there. But, I guess, I've never been 100% there with any man I've dated, at least never at the beginning. It takes me a long ass time to like someone. Maybe I haven't given him a fair shake.

Anyway, bottom line is this - I'm going to give it another 3 or 4 weeks and then revisit and see how I feel. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy myself as best I can and try not to stress. But the more I date and the less I get attached to anyone, the more I wonder if I even really want a relationship or a marriage or any of that. Maybe I'm just one of those free-spirited chicks who needs to do her own thing. Maybe I'm not meant for the conventional life. I'm pretty much okay with that, even if my friends and family aren't.

30 Days of Truth: Day 14

Day 14: A hero that has let you down (letter).

Well, this one is pretty easy - I don't really have any heroes, outside of my parents and while they've certainly proved they're not perfect, they've never let me down per se. So no dice on this one. Hopefully tomorrow's truth is more exciting!

30 Days of Truth: Day 13

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter)

Warning: This is going to be, in the words of my gay male friends who say I'm more of a homosexual male than they are, the gayest shit you've ever read. I can't help it - I gotta do me!

Dear Massive Showtunes Collection,

Thank you for always making me smile whenever I need a pick me up. As a young girl, whenever the world was beating me down and I felt like no one understood what I was going through, listening to Jean Valjean and Inspector Javert of Les Miz really helped me get through it. The lyrics didn't even have to correspond to what was going on - I just loved the theatricality of it all. I saw Les Miz three times on Broadway (once front row - holla!) and to this day, it's still one of my fave soundtracks to blast. 

I can't forget the music of Hair, helping me embrace my hippie side whenever I feel like I'm getting too corporate. Listening to Gypsy for the first time as a young girl, I hoped one day I could grow up to shake my thang onstage, but thankfully for my parents, that never came to pass. Rocky Horror Picture Show and Hedwig and the Angry Inch introduced me to the land of the freaks, a place where I feel completely comfortable and happy and okay to be a little crazy. I still maintain that when I have kids, they are going to learn all the lyrics to Origin of Love from Hedwig and that's going to be how I explain the birds and the bees to them. I didn't discover that musical until college, but it totally changed my world.

As silly as this may seem, as a little girl who grew up excruciatingly shy in the suburbs of Long Island, something about you, showtunes, really stuck with me. The lyrics that made me *feel* something, the grandiose nature of some of the shows - all of it made me feel like I was ready to burst out of my shell, something that I eventually did. I've always had a flair for the dramatic and showtunes brought that out in me - celebrated it, even when others didn't. So thanks for that =)

30 Days of Truth: Day 12

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.

My amazing ability to be single forever. Haha - okay, I'm being a little snarky with this one, but I think my 'alone' skills are amazing and that more people should recognize them. I've lived for 25 years without having a single boyfriend. Yes, I've dated men (one for over 8 months), but I've yet to let any man claim me and I think that ought to be celebrated. I feel like this world celebrates women who pair off and counts the rest of us as depressed, lonely spinsters. This just isn't fair or even accurate. I have tons of female friends who are just like me - perpetually single and fucking fabulous - and I think we deserve a round of applause. As an adopted black chick with a Latino last name, I will never, ever fit into societies standards of normal and I take issue with being viewed as 'less than' because my life's aspirations don't begin and end with a relationship. My vision of feminist is one where we all respect each other's choices - whether that's being with someone (which I think is great! Yay! Relationships! Marriage! Woo hoo!) or being alone (which kind of happens to be my forte).Too often I feel like my relationshipped friends view me as some sort of sad creature who maybe one day will be initiated into the cool kids club that is having a boyfriend. I wish more people thought my independent streak was rad and not some sign of deviance or abnormal character traits. So yeah, people - celebrate my independence, damnit!

- Love always,

CJ (who will *always* be an independent woman no matter what her relationship status may be)

in which i break my promises, but i'm okay with it.

I tried the whole 'not having sex' thing... turns out it wasn't for me. But hear me out! I had good reason! So yes, I hung out with The Blexican this weekend. He picked me up at my apartment on Saturday afternoon and then we went back to his place, where he proceeded to cook me a steak dinner, with baked potatoes and corn on the cob. It was nice =) He started a fire in the fireplace and we ate the dinner by fire/candlelight. Swoon.

Can I just interject for a second to say that homeboy lives in a HOUSE. A frickin' house. Not an apartment. Not a condo. A HOUSE. Um, yeah - insanity. So basically, he has a huge kitchen, huge living room with fireplace and then 3 bedrooms (well, one is mostly a study for his animation shite, but it could be a bedroom). Crazy! Maybe Oakland ain't so bad after all. It was nice to chill out and talk. He showed me a picture of his mom (who used to live in the house with him, but then moved to Southern Cali) - she's pretty! He also tells me that she's crazy and a lot of fun - a definite partier. She left her liquor cabinet behind and OMFG is it stocked! Too bad he doesn't drink cuz we could have a lot of fun there. She sounds like someone I could get along with!

ANYWAY. Then we decided to watch a movie - he let me pick, so I chose Princess Bride, which shockingly I've never seen. After that, some making out on the couch and he asked me if I wanted to move into the bedroom. Of course, I said yes. He made me wait outside while he got it ready. So when I came in, there were candles lit and this huge four poster bed. Honestly, guys, I've never in my life had a guy do such sweet things for me EVER. Not before we'd had sex and not after, either. It was nice to see a guy actually work for it and treat me like a lady. So the night was, to use LG2's word *magical.* I had a good time and the sex was awesome. He's talented - haha. That's all I'm going to say about that since this kid could end up being my boyfriend (if I don't have a commitment-phobic reaction and run away). I stayed over and the morning was pretty magical, too. We went out to lunch and bowling this afternoon and then came back to my place to watch some DVR. Then he bounced.

Now I'm sitting and thinking about things and wondering what terrifies me so much about relationships. Because I'm still scared. Incredibly, inexplicably scared. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt him because I'm a cyborg and God gave me a block of steel where my heart should be. Anyway, I'll write more about what it feels like to be an abnormal commitment-phobic ice princess tomorrow. For now, I'm going to go back to the DVR. Goodnight, folks!

30 days of Truth: Day 11

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Physically -  it's definitely my smile. Men, women, and children all tell me that I have a beautiful smile and a great laugh. It's nice to hear, since I can be incredibly moody at times, so it's good to know that when I'm genuinely happy it shows. The Blexican is constantly complimenting me on it and I remember in my female sexuality workshop at college, so many of the girls would say the same.

This is an awkward truth for some reason, lol.

i'm still here!

Eek! My life is super busy right now because of work and so I'm spending this weekend trying to catch up on my social life. Who knows when I'll actually have time to catch up on my personal shit. I need to start getting some decorations for my apartment, hire a maid (yes, I'm ashamed of this, but it's just necessary given my work schedule), and figure out my travel plans for November. November is basically going to be the most awesome month ever. Work craziness will be over, I'm going to VEGAS, and then I have my Thanksgiving trip to NYC. Super excited! I'm also hoping I can start working out again too since I've been eating crap and gaining weight. Hell month means I don't have time to take care of myself at all. So I'm looking forward to getting some time back.

This weekend has been awesome so far. The girls at work went out for dinner, drinks, and dancing last night. Umm, hilarity! I resisted the advances of one guy, and got felt up by a girl. Seriously - women love me. I'm one bad relationship away from joining the other side, since so many girls seem to wanna get with me. Wish I had the same effect on the boys =) So, after being drunk and ridiculous with cubemate, I stayed over at her hotel and got a ride in from the girls this morning. Tonight, I'm going to Oakland to spend time with The Blexican. He's making me a home-cooked steak dinner (swoon) and we're going to curl up in front of his fireplace and snuggle and watch TV. Um, could that be any more romantic and/or perfect?Needless to say, I'm terrified, but it is nice to have a guy care enough to want to do stuff for you. Still unsure what we're doing tomorrow (I'm spending the night). We were planning on exploring the Bay Area, but the weather has been extremely sucky lately, so God only knows if that plan will hold up.

Anyway, I'll try to be better about updating ya'll on what's going on with me. Wish me luck on my first romantic date!

30 days of Truth: Day 10

Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know

Hmm, I think I've finally eradicated all the people I need to let go. I'm over TG and dating a guy who seems to legitimately care about me and things are going well. I made a promise to myself a loooong time ago to get rid of the high school friends that I felt were toxic, so I basically only talk to the people I care about and think are worthwhile. Same goes with college friends. I give a lot of myself to so many of my friends that it's almost impossible for me to have anyone there that shouldn't be. As I get older, I just don't have time for bullshit anymore and so I don't cater to people that I don't like. Sure, I've got some friends in my life that I'm less excited about than others, but the energy I expend on them is pretty minimal so it's not like I ever feel drained. I'm actually quite proud of myself for finally getting to that point.

i love having my life ripped away from me.

Work is brutal. Oh so brutal, and I'm so far behind. I probably should be working right now, but whatever - fuck it. I want to have some decompression time to read my blogs, chat with my friends, and update you all on my life. So far, no 3 am nights. Just one 12:30am night where I couldn't get a ride home, so I had a slumber party with my cubemate! I've missed her so much! Even though we're working like dogs, I like having the time to catch up on gossip and bitch about work things. Last night, we even got to go to LG1's potluck party! Yay! I had a lot of fun, even though I was so out of it and probably looked like Zombie Death Warmed Over.

I'm still trying to keep things going with The Blexican. I hate when your life makes it hard to connect, but we text almost every day. Last night, I moved it into the dirty texting realm, which is where I really shine. I figure since I'm not screwing him, I can at least give him something to look forward to. Combining my hypersexuality and vivid imagination with my mad writing skillz = a talent that has been very useful over the years. I have very few skills, but I can whip up some seriously sexy text messages and/or emails. Maybe I was a phone sex operator in another life. So that was pretty much how I spent last night, which was very enjoyable, except for the fact that it got me so hot that I'm afraid I won't be able to be "good" next time I see him. I have decided that maybe I'll ease up on the sex starvation diet. Still planning on no penis-in-vagina for a while, but I think it's cruel for me to keep getting him excited without any kind of release, so maybe a middle-school style handjob is acceptable. Oh lordy, I just re-read that paragraph and thought about how ashamed my mother would be if she knew I put all my business out there on the interwebs. Oh, well! It could be worse - I could have a sex tape.

Anyhow, I should get back to reading and relaxing. I should have more time to update this week! Hope everyone's having a good weekend =)

30 days of Truth: Day 9

Day 9: Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted

This one is difficult for me. I'm really good at keeping in touch with my friends. I regularly talk to friends I met at 3 week summer camps when I was 16, so I don't usually let people just drift. Most of the friendships I've ended are people I didn't connect with or whom I had a falling out with.

I will say - the one person that I really wish was still in my life is my friend K, a mock trial girl that I spent the first 3 years of college bonding with. We gossiped about boys, mock trial drama, and we even rushed sororities together. We ultimately chose different houses, but that didn't stop us from Friday night Gilmore Girls viewing, her visiting my parents' house on Long Island, or spending the summer having fun in DC. Ultimately, she got upset about something that happened in Mock Trial that had *nothing* to do with me and she pulled away as a result. After talking to her then-boyfriend, I learned that she had a pretty rough senior year with lots of friendships disintegrating. I still wish we could've spent senior year together. There were SO many things that happened that I wanted to tell her about and even now, that's the one friendship that I just can't figure out what went wrong. I'm still bothered by it. But, I suppose that's the way life goes.

30 Days of Truth: Day 8

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit

This one is pretty simple. There's really no one who's made my life hell. I have a pretty good life. Sure, there was some awkwardness in middle school, but I never had any Mean Girls type experiences. Most people like me or tolerate me, so I'm usually okay. Even the jackasses I've dated haven't treated me like shit. Maybe they were mean or cold or assholish, but nothing I couldn't handle. I guess I've been lucky!

reclaiming my sexuality.

I've decided to take back my virginity. Obviously, I'm not a virgin - I've slept with a bunch of dudes and I don't regret any of my sexual decisions - well, maybe that sketchball guy from the Bahamas who called me for 6 months after a one-night fling... but I digress. In general, I've owned every sexual encounter I've had and I'm not ashamed of anything I've done. I'm pretty much an open book when it comes to that stuff. I don't think women (or men) should care what people think about their sex life. If you want to be a virgin til marriage or if you want to sex it up with every Tom, Dick, and Harry that comes along, that's your prerogative. Lately, though, I've been thinking about taking a different approach to my sexual encounters with men.

I'm easy. I'm not going to sugarcoat it or pretend - I'm incredibly easy to get into bed. If you want to date me or make me your girlfriend, that's where I get difficult. Giving my body has always been easy - giving anything more than that is where it gets tricky. I think it probably stems from the fact that I was an incredibly sex-obsessed kid who didn't do anything sexual. Years of pent up sexual frustration have led me to this place. I don't know why I didn't date or hook up or do anything with boys when I was in middle or high school. I just didn't. I had my first kiss the same night I lost my virginity. And I was 21. So um yeah... that gives me about 12 years of sexual desire unleashed in one night. Needless to say, when I had sex for the first time it was epic and probably the most intense night of my life. 

In the intervening 4 years, I've made up for lost time and I frequently just hop into bed with men without thinking about it. I think this is mostly because I never really wanted a relationship. I never understand people who need to be with someone - I think it's because I have intense friendships that pretty much give me everything I need. I've known my closest friends since middle school and we tell each other practically everything. Some of my friends think it's odd that I would regularly talk to Jammerz 6 hours a day, 7 days a week, but I don't know. I love my friends - I give everything I have to them. My inner circle - we speak daily. And for the rest, I make sure to schedule time to chat on the phone or we email regularly. I've never really needed that emotional connection to a man because I have it with, oh, about 8 other people. I need men for sex. Plain and simple. And of course, I never find a man that can give me that emotional stuff because I either (a) push him away because I don't need the emotional or (b) make him think I'm just a nympho that he doesn't have to respect as a person. Dilemma.

Now that I'm dating The Blexican, I've decided to try something different. I don't really want to have sex. I mean, I don't know what he thinks about that, but I've just decided that I want things to progress slowly. I don't want to just jump him because he's there - I want to get to know him as a person. As frustrating as it was to go on date after date without knowing if he was attracted to me, now that we've made out and I know he's into me, I don't really want to rush things. Who knew that it could be nice just to have a guy hold your hand or kiss your neck without it going any farther than that? With TG, I did things backwards. The sex happened first and then as a result, the feelings developed. Feelings that I don't know would have been there had I stopped and gotten to know him first and figure out if I thought we were compatible. This time, I want to establish that this is someone that deserves to sleep with me. So for now, I'm really not ready for anything too sexually intense. I just want to chill the fuck out and remain a 'virgin' with this one.

30 Days of Truth: Day 7

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for

Honestly, the real answer to this question is no one. In stereotypical Millenial fashion, I've only been living my life for myself. I mean, I love my friends and family and all, but I wouldn't say they make my life worth living for. I'm perpetually unrelationshipped, so no significant other has that distinction either. To be perfectly blunt, I think I'm fabulous enough that I don't need someone to make my life worth living =)

30 Days of Truth: Day 6

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do

I really hope I never have to go through any kind of sexual assault or rape. That's one of my biggest fears ever and I'm mostly so terrified because I don't think I could get over it. I don't think I'm strong enough to overcome such a blatant disrespect of my body and safety. I already have enough trust issues and problems with forming normal, healthy relationships. I don't think there would ever be any coming back from that for me. I have very strict boundaries with my body and my emotions and rape is the strongest violation of those boundaries that I can think of. My heart goes out to all the women (and men) who've had to go through something that traumatizing. I hope that I never have to know what that feels like.

getting over your issues is scary.

I moved here to grow up. Most of my friends didn't really understand that, but I don't think most of my friends really understand me. I'm a complicated creature and don't expect anyone to really "get" me, but it's annoying when the people you care about are all "I don't understand why you're moving" even though I feel like I was perfectly clear. Whatever, I'm over it. I'm really hoping I can keep up this growing up thing, but it's truly scary. Even though I've been here for a little over a month, I feel like I'm starting to tackle some of my issues head on and it feels really fucking good.

The next problem I really need to get a handle on is my intimacy issues. I've been realizing how fucked up I am about men. I was talking to College BFF this weekend and she's really the only one that understands my craziness. The two of us cannot figure out why we're so screwed up about relationships. We both come from 2 family homes, with fathers that were around and present and provided for their families. Our parents have happy marriages and everything is hunky-dory at home. So I don't know why I'm one of the biggest commitment-phobes on Earth. Where do these issues come from?

I was thinking about Runaway Bride the other day. I remember when people would talk about those stories, girls would always be like, "I could never imagine doing that!" I always kept my mouth shut because I 100% could see myself doing that. Every "relationship" I've ever been in I've sprinted away from, not physically but emotionally, so I can totally see the physical manifestation of that. Just running away from the altar the day you're supposed to get married. It sounds logical to me. Relationships scare the shit out of me. I'm one of those girls who is always mentally preparing to break up with the person she's seeing. I've been in the middle of sex with people and have thought about how I was going to end it somewhere down the line. I haz relayshonship problemz like whoa. I can haz therapy?

So I'm trying really hard with The Blexican. Trying to just let go and not panic or do anything too quickly. I'm just going to stop being frightened and just go with it. Luckily, I have 3 weeks of being busy at work and that will most likely make me miss him instead of making me want to run for the hills. That's a plus. I just know I need to move forward with my life and stop getting nervous about letting a man into it. I'm getting there, but it's a fucking process.

30 Days of Truth: Day 5

Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life

The one thing I want to do more than anything in my life is to have a child - a natural born child. I honestly believe that being adopted has been one of the most defining experiences of my life, even moreso than being black and female. The one thing that hurts so much is that even though I have a wonderful family that loves me and real parents (I hate when people are like - do you want to meet your real parents? I have two real parents - they raised me, fed me, clothed me, taught me about life and paid for my education. It doesn't get any *realer* than that), but I don't have any idea why I look the way I do or what kinds of medical maladies await me. I hate looking into the mirror and seeing a stranger. I want something on this earth that I have biological ties to. I want to look into the face of a child and see my own staring back at me. I want to know what it's like to love someone solely for the reason that you have blood ties. I want to give my best features to a little daughter or son that I can raise and spoil and frustrate and ultimately screw up, the way most of our parents have screwed us up.

It's hard for me to even put into words how strong this desire is. One of my biggest fears is that I will be barren and unable to conceive and that I will die without any ties to this world. I know it sounds silly - I of all people know that blood doesn't mean shit in most cases, my parents love me just as much as their own natural children and have never treated me differently. But, I'm selfish and so I want a little mini-me who will never have to know what it feels like to be a motherless, illegitimate child. I hope and pray that one day in the future, I'll get the chance to do this.

last weekend of freedom.

This was the last weekend before I get sucked away into work, so I'll be updating much less frequently. Apologies in advance as I get ready to be abducted by my job. It sucks hardcore, but such is life. I had a fun weekend, though!

Friday night, I got home and got ready for The Blexican to come over. We watched a lot of stuff on my DVR, which was nice since he knew how behind I was on TV. Then he kissed me! Yay! I still don't know if we're 100% sexually compatible - I want him to be a little more sexually aggressive with me and his kissing style is a little different than what I like, but in general it was good. I like that he's super affectionate with me now and that he seems really attracted to me and he is happy to go at my pace. I've never really dated or hooked up with a guy who didn't mind taking it slow. Do you know that I've never just made out with a guy I was dating? The only time I even just kissed a guy was some rando at a club on New Years Eve. Other than that - kissing ALWAYS leads to sex with me, be it oral or vaginal. Wow, I just giggled when I typed the word 'vaginal' - so mature... So yeah, we're just kissing and doing some light middle-school type stuff. I did feel a little guilty because I keep getting him all hot and bothered and then telling him I want to go to sleep or kicking him out like I did last night. He doesn't seem to mind, though. I think he's pretty into me. He slept over on Friday and then came over again on Saturday night for a repeat. We watched Chappelle Show and I *love* that he can quote it just as much, if not more, than me. He remembers everything, even the little sketches. If you know me, you know that this is a HUGE turn-on. I mean, I basically have to screw him after seeing how much of a Chappelle fan he is =)

He's super sweet, though. When we said goodbye, he told me he was sad that I'm going to be working so much, but that he'll wait for me until November and that he hopes I can get some free time to see him, but he'll be patient if I can't. Swoon. I'm still wary, as always. It scares me to be with him and I'm being nitpicky about things I don't like about him, but in general I feel good. I had a palm/tarot reading today and the psychic was telling me that I should take things slow with him but that everything looks good. Even soul mate potential. I mean, I'm not going to start naming our children yet, but in general I do get a good feeling from him and it's nice to connect with someone again. I'm cautiously optimistic!

30 Days of Truth: Day 4

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for

I have to forgive my mother for being as hard as she was on me growing up, for making mistakes, and for not being perfect. I make fun of my mom all the time - she's crazy, aggressive, and does some wild shit. She can also annoy the hell out of you when she wants to. But, I love her to death because she gave me everything I could ever ask for - a college education, a warm loving home, and the list goes on and on. She was definitely not an easy woman to live with, though. I never understood why my mother was so tough on us. She was strict and she didn't take any bullshit and she literally whipped my ass several times. Yes, that's right - I grew up in a house where I got spanked with a belt when I stepped out of line. Since my father doesn't hit women, my mom was always the one who would beat me. 

She also spent years of my life drilling into my head that I couldn't afford to make mistakes like other people could. "You have three strikes against you," she would always tell me. "You are black, you're a woman, and you have a hispanic last name, so if you think anyone is going to be clamoring to help you out or give you the benefit of the doubt, you are dead wrong." I was taught that it wasn't enough to be good - you had to be the best. Run faster, jump higher, learn quicker than anyone else. Your behavior had to be above reproach - no wild girl behavior, no getting trouble with authority, nothing bad. I never understood why she was so hard - I wanted to be like the other kids I knew (mostly white) who didn't have to deal with those things. They never had to think about race or worry about being the "representative" of their people even when they didn't want to be. It was annoying to me, but I'm glad she did it. If it wasn't for her, who knows where I'd be. Instead, I studied, I behaved, I worked hard and I went to a good school and I have a good job. But, in the moment, I resented her for it. I hated that I didn't have a mother who would hug me and tell me that everything was going to be okay and that would allow me to make mistakes. My mother knew she couldn't let me make mistakes because the world wasn't going to let me make any. Because no matter how many Ivy League degrees I rack up, no matter how much money I make, or what company I work for, in some people's eyes my race will always trump all of that.

My mother is not a warm woman - she doesn't suffer fools, she doesn't sugarcoat anything, she doesn't show emotion frequently. I've always resented her for that. I always hated that we had to be strong ALL the time. That we couldn't cry or break down or just be upset about shit. We had to be 100% on our game all the time. Whenever I complained about anything to my mom, she told me to suck it up and get over it. She still does it. Now that I'm older, I understand why she did what she did, but it hasn't made it any easier to forgive her for that or to stop blaming her for my emotional shortcomings. She did what she had to do - raising black children in America is not easy and she did the best she could do. I need to recognize that and respect it.

My mother had a difficult life. She grew up in the 1960s, one of those black kids that got bussed into a white school. She was 1 of 7 black kids there and the only female. We are the products of our childhoods and my mother has been through some serious shit. I can't blame her for the woman she became and honestly, in the end, I think my mother may not have been able to give me what I wanted, but she gave me the skills I needed to be the person I am today.

i'm really trying not to be smitten, but it's hard...

I am really liking The Blexican. Like really. I actually called him by his real name while talking to him with my girlfriends. Shit. This is very, very bad. When I like someone, I always fuck it up. Always. Flashbacks of every single interaction I've had with a man in 25 years are flitting through my head.

There was Michael, a blond boy from kindergarten who made me a sand pancake. I broke it. End of that relationship. Then I had a huge crush on Frank in middle school and accidentally punched him in the nose. It bled. Eek. More recently, the epic shitshow that was The Intellectual and TG. No need to even get into that.

I'm nervous. I'm especially nervous because we haven't established any sexual chemistry. I mean, I guess there's chemistry - in that we both want to do something physical, but we haven't gone for it yet, so I don't know how it will go. But I spent last night texting back and forth with him and it was really nice. He told me he really likes me and thinks we're a good match and he has no idea why I like him. He said some other really sweet things that I will keep to myself =) He's coming over on Friday night and I think this is it. The night. I'm scared. We have no plans. He wanted to come over and bring some groceries so we could cook together, but he's getting off of work too late, so instead he's going to help me put a dent in my DVR. Hopefully that won't be all he plans on doing, but we'll see.

Anyway, yeah, I like a boy. I hate myself for this. I enjoy being an automaton - it suits me =)

cramps corner!

Don't think I forgot!!!! It's time for more Cramps Corner - in which I get to bitch and complain as my ovaries twist themselves up in pain and make me want to cry for Jesus. I feel like absolute shit today and can barely see straight. I also probably should not have consumed bacon fried rice AND Indian food for lunch, but whatever whatever, I do what I want!

Things on my mind today:

1. I am a fucking emotional wreck. A WRECK! Yesterday, I watched Glee and cried like a baby. I mean, most people I know cried during the episode, but I broke down and bawled. You would've thought they were killing my child or something when I watched this show. I like to think it was a hormonal thing, but I don't know. After the show I looked at myself in the mirror and my eyes were puffy and red and I looked like a hot ass mess. Over a TV show. God, being a woman sucks. Seriously - men need to go through something this shitty each month so we can be even.
2. You know what else sucks. Exes. Exes suck. TG is back from his trip and I hate it because now he's all here and I have to see his tweets and wonder what he's doing. I hate that I can't seem to just get over this, even though I'm dating a guy I really like. I think I just need to get laid. Penis cures everything. I wish I could get a doctor to write me a prescription for it because I'm always happy after sex, even lackluster sex. I want a manservant who has to pleasure me whenever I desire it. Wahhh. Okay, I'm done being whiny.
3. I really want to text The Blexican, but don't know what to say. I want to say something suggestive or sexy or racy, but in general I just kind of want to talk to him. Which upsets me because I hate wanting to talk to people. It exposes my weakness and vulnerability. Hate it.
4. As much as I hate my period, I'm so happy it came today! I get so worried when I have questionable sex (meaning sex with someone I barely know or who has some kind of sketchball quality about them). I'm always like - what if something happens and I'm pregnant with this crazy baby. All month I kept picturing mini versions of The Russian. I don't think I'd be allowed to kick a baby in the face - that would be bad right. But, anyways, crisis averted! I am not preggers! Time to return to my regular programming =)

Okay, I'm done bitching and whining. Back to work!

30 Days of Truth: Day 3

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for. 

This one is legitimately hard for me. I guess I have to forgive myself for my tendency to be aloof in so many of my friendships and relationships. I can't really explain it, but I have serious trust/abandonment issues. I'm getting over them, slowly but surely, but I do need to stop beating myself up over the fact that I don't connect the way other people do. That I will never be 100% emotionally invested in anything because I will always be waiting for the other person to grow tired of me or to find something better. I didn't grow up in a 'traditional' family and I don't relate to people in traditional ways. Even with my friends - I love them to death, but I'm not always emotionally present and I believe at the end of the day everyone will go away. They'll get married or meet someone or find friends that are better than I am and they'll go away. When I was growing up, my mom told me that the only people I could count on was me, myself, and I. When that's pounded into your head on a daily basis and when you're conscious of the fact that your birth mother gave you up (for good reasons, but it's still abandonment nonetheless), you don't form normal trusting relationships. I am a product of my environment and my experiences.

I need to get over it. I need to get over the mistakes I've made in all of my relationships, especially with men. My desire to bolt the second a man shows any real interest in being with me. I beat myself up on a daily basis over what went down with TG and how I just couldn't be as emotionally available as he wanted to be. I hate the fact that when I look out into the future, I see all but maybe one or two friends disappearing. I hate that I don't trust anyone and that I'm always constantly looking for people to screw me over. I have to forgive myself for being this way and just hope that the people that enter my life will understand and help me work through it and maybe prove me wrong.

i'm feeling like i'm in a bit of a rut.

Even though I just moved and things are crazy and new and exciting and everything, I feel so incredibly restless. I don't know why. It's probably just in my nature, but I feel like I'm not doing the thing I'm supposed to be doing. I'm okay with where most of my life stands right now, but I'm frustrated about my career and my life goals. I always thought I would have a career, instead of a job. I did want family and a husband and all those things, but let's face it - if I'm 100% honest with myself, the thing I want most in life is to do meaningful work. I'm a worker bee - it is who I am. So I'm doing a lot of work now, but it's not what I'm truly passionate about. There are aspects of my job that I absolutely adore - I love project management and handling the complex needs of engineers and my team is fucking amazing. I also have a bomb ass manager, and yet, I'm not really satisfied with everything. I know I'm going to get even more restless if I don't make a change. The problem is I have no idea what I want to do with myself.

I've always been a girl with a plan. Always. Ask me how many lists I make daily, how many spreadsheets and docs I have with all my goals, hopes, dreams. Then everything changed once I decided I didn't want to be an attorney anymore. Now I have no life dream to work towards. I think I've decided that I don't want to work in a traditional corporate environment (not that I'm working in one now... shit is crazy at my job all the time and Silicon Valley isn't exactly your typical workplace). I also want to work for myself - I want to pour all of me into my job, but only if it's something that I own. I want to set my own hours and work the way that's best for me. As far as my interests, this is where I have the issue. I like so many different things - issues around sex and sexuality, feminism, writing, blogging, technology and social media, event planning. ARG. It's exhausting trying to figure out what to pursue. That and I actually want to be able to afford the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed, so it means half the things I want to do are financially not up my alley. I just wish I had a goal to work towards, something that I could sketch out and dream about and put my blood, sweat, and tears into. I'm fairly confident I'll find it someday, but in the meantime this ambiguity is driving me nuts.

30 Days of Truth: Day 2

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

God, this is so hard - I love so many things about myself! Haha - totally kidding. I spend most of the time thinking about my shitty qualities and not my positive ones. I guess the thing I love the most about myself is my wholehearted embrace of change - my attraction and dedication to it. In my short 25 years on this earth, I've been so many different people and each of them has been important to me. The shy, quiet scared five-year old. The rebel middle-schooler. The bookish high-schooler. The sorority party girl. The tech-obsessed geek. I have so many interests and desires and I've been able to explore so many of them. I've moved cross-country three times even when I was terrified to do it. I will never be accused of being dull or static. I'm always looking for new ways to grow, new sights to see, new experiences to have. I don't ever want to be boring or traditional or conventional. When I die, I want to know that I really did something with my life - that I pushed myself, that I put myself in uncomfortable positions and really tested what I was made of. Sometimes this means I get moody or depressed or I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off and I feel like no one understands or gets me, but I still love it. My desire for change has led me to meet some interesting people and given me tons of stories. I sincerely hope I'm always this change-happy =)

30 Days of Truth: Day 1

Yay! Two posts from me in one day - it must be Christmas. I've been wanting to try this whole 30 Days of Truth challenge, ever since I saw it posted on Late to the Party. Then C started doing it and I knew I had to jump on the bandwagon, so here we go!

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

I hate the fact that at the core of my being, I am a spineless weakling afraid of confrontation. Seriously, I can never stand up for myself or my viewpoints ever because I'm too worried about offending someone or angering them. There are days when I edit my posts on this blog so meticulously because I'm afraid of what people might think or what might upset someone. I've never had a real fight in my life (verbal or physical) because I've never had enough backbone to challenge anyone or to respond to a challenge. I would rather cut my toes off one by one than go head to head with anyone over something they've done or said that's hurt me. I wish that I had the courage or strength to confront my friends and family when they do something that pisses me off. Instead, I usually bitch about it to another friend or family member or do something crazy passive aggressive. I definitely need to work on this.

calmer.

So I'm a lot calmer now, even though it's been date 4 and all I've gotten is a kiss on the cheek. But, I'm going to take a step back, a deep breath, and try to explain this so it sounds rational.

Our date yesterday sucked. It sucked for a multitude of reasons. First of all, I was in a pissy mood, which I'm sure you could tell from reading the blog entry. Then, we had to go to the store to pick up something for the barbecue, which took forever to do. After that, it turned out that the BBQ we were supposed to go to started earlier than he thought, which meant when we got there there the food was gone and the grill was cold. Awesome. So now I'm feeling my favorite emotion - hanger. To top that off, I felt kind of out of place with the rest of the group since I didn't know anyone and he didn't really seem to know too many people, so it was kind of awkward. Us just standing there. One of the guys asked how we knew each other and I said we met online. Which felt weird - I didn't know what the proper response was. Maybe I should've said we're dating? Who knows. Whatever. Slightly awkward. Then we left and he drove me back home, since I told him I had too much to do to hang out with him at his movie night. He asked to come in to kill time and I let him. I felt better the second he came over and we started talking. It eased my mind a little, even though I knew nothing was going to happen. He left to head out and then gave me a kiss on the cheek. I figure that's progress.

I decided to text him last night just so he knew that I wasn't giving up on him (although I spent most of the date picturing the best ways to break up with him). I got his reply this morning and he apologized for the weak goodnight kiss on the cheek and said he was afraid I'd slap him if he tried anything else. Sigh.

So let me just try to help everyone understand why I'm so frustrated by this. It all boils down to the fact that I have problems with the middle ground. I always have. At work, I'm either firing on all cylinders or lazing about. I'm the same way with relationships - I'm either desperately seeking one or telling the world I don't give a shit about men. I can't seem to find a balance. I was telling my coworkers today that I only give off two vibes - virgin or whore. I can never find that middle ground. With guys like The Russian, I'm able to give off complete 'fuck me, I'm a whore' vibes. With nice guys like The Blexican, I seem like the Virgin Mary herself. It's just hard for me to be somewhere in the middle. I'm pretty open about my sexuality with my friends and the men I have sex with, but the men I date, I can't always open up because I don't want to offend them. So with The Blexican, I get so angry because I feel like I can't make him see me as a sexual being. On the flip side, with guys like The Russian, I can't make them take me seriously. TG was the first man that I felt 100% comfortable being both sides of myself with, which is why he's so hard to let go. He knows that I'm smart, motivated, and funny, but he also knows that I like to have sex and send dirty text messages and play dress-up and do inappropriate things in public. He gets both sides. I just struggle with making men see me for who I am - the complete package. I get angry when I don't feel comfortable expressing both.

Sex is hugely important to me, mostly because of one of my biggest insecurities - my level of attractiveness. I've always tried to be really good in bed to offset any problems I have with my looks or my body. So when a man doesn't respond to me on that level, it's like getting punched in the face, basically. It's painful and it makes me lash out.

So, um, yeah. That's pretty much it. I'll keep you posted on any new developments.

i swear i can't handle this whole dating thing.

Warning: bitchy rant ahead.

So, The Blexican came over last night around 7pm and left at 2am... and nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. We watched one movie, so that's about 2 hours, leaving us with 5 hours of talking. My throat is raw from so much conversation and he didn't so much as hold my hand or kiss me. I can't handle it. I know it's only Date 3 and maybe other people move slowly, but I'm kind of the 'screw on the second date' type. I'm fine with not having sex with him - I didn't want to have sex with him yet, but I was hoping there would be some indication that this isn't just a friendship. I will never for the life of me understand why this is so difficult for me. I thank God for all the wonderful things he's done for me in my life and all the great friends and family I have, but seriously - when can I catch a fucking break? And I don't want to hear anything from anyone about how things will get better and one day I'll find my prince - yada yada yada, it's all bullshit. Unless you've been single your whole life like me and know what it feels like to have men either want to fuck you or be your friend, but not both, I just don't think any advice is going to be useful. Apologies if that sounds rude, but I'm frustrated and it sucks and I'm so ready to just start sleeping around again because at least that way, one of my base needs would be satisfied, instead of dealing with bullshit 24/7. ARG. I'm so upset I could cry. If I had a soul or human emotions, that is. Instead I have to grit my teeth, put on a sundress, and go to a barbecue with this man and his friends and smile and chat and be all happy and shit, when in reality I want to just curl up in my room, catch up on tivo, watch porn and masturbate. I considered canceling so I could do just that, but I know that that would be rude and I don't want to be a bitch. Well, I don't want to be a bigger bitch.

And no, I don't want to make the first move on him - that's not how I operate. And, yes - TG texted me last night around midnight and it made me think of how much I love the way he never has any problems touching me inappropriately in public or making me feel like the sexiest girl in the room. I'm not planning on getting back on that train, but boy do I miss it sometimes.

//end rant

I swear I'll write more about what actually happened once I stop seething.

holy hell! how is it october already?

Here we are. It's October - also known as my hell month. My job in October is godawful. I love what I do and it's super fun and there are good times, but the fact of the matter is, I'm going to be working minimum 15 hour days pretty soon. It's a whole month of tons of work and not a lot of sleep - certainly no time to be social. I'm a little nervous because I've been feeling lazy lately. Also, I live about an hour away from where I work, so there will be no time to sleep and the commute is going to be hellish if I'm leaving at 3am every night. Kill me.

Other than that, though, life is pretty sweet. I'm actually surprised by how sweet it is. I'm loving living in California. I love every minute of it. Besides my first initial pangs of loneliness (which were dumb because I do minimum 3 social things each week and it's usually more like 5), I'm feeling like I made the right decision 100%. I finally took control of my life and did what I wanted to do and it's paying off. I'm doing a lot of cool important things at work, I'm dating and putting myself out there, I'm making new friends at work and outside of it. It's been a great month so far. I can't explain why or how, but I have a comfort and ease of living in SF that I never had in NYC. It makes no sense - New York is my home and my hub. I know a million people there and not only that, my closest friends are in that city. Yet, somehow, it just never felt 'right' to me. SF feels right to me. This routine I've established suits me well.

This weekend is full of random shit to do. Tonight I'm going clubbing. I'm a little tired, but I'm excited to dance - it's been far too long. I'm not looking to meet anyone. I'm actually hoping to God that I don't meet anyone. Basically, I just want to drink and dance with my friends and then go home and pass out in my apartment alone. Saturday, I'm seeing The Social Network with MB (looooove Jesse Eisenberg - super nerdy cutie!) and going shopping for pin-up attire. Sunday is my date with the Blexican, which I need the details for - no idea what we'll be doing. I'm hoping to be super-charming and adorable so his friends like me. Wish me luck!

Hope you all have fantastic weekends! And to my friends on the East Coast, try to stay dry!