back to reality.

It's my last few days at home and I'm painfully aware that pretty soon I'll be going back to reality - home to San Francisco and back to work. I've been finding it pretty hard lately to figure out my next moves all because I have no idea what's going on with this new job I interviewed for. I hate living in limbo - I like to always be planning my next move, but that's impossible since everything is up in the air. I've been thinking a lot about the future lately and what I want to do with myself. I'm super scared that if I don't get this job, I'm just going to become complacent and not focus on trying to improve my career. I can get easily discouraged sometimes, especially when there are some setbacks. I know that eventually I'll pick myself up and find my path, but I worry about how long that will take.

I mean, the fact of the matter is this: I'm not satisfied with my career at all. I know this because I felt strongly enough to search for another opportunity. So if said opportunity doesn't work out, I just don't see how I'm going to be happy staying where I am, even though I told my manager that I would be. I mean, what becomes of me then? I've always been excited to work. I've wanted to have a career for the longest time - when I was a kid I wanted to be a teacher, then a psychologist, then a lawyer, and now that that dream is gone, I'm not sure what I want to do. However, I know that I want something meaningful and fulfilling. While I dream of having a family someday, I must admit that my dreams of having a career have always been stronger. So if I lose that, I'm not sure what more I'll really have.

Problem is - I've always been a Jill of all trades, master of none. I'm pretty good at a lot of different things, but there hasn't ever really been one solid thing that I think I could excel at. To be quite honest, I'm sort of hoping I get to have a myriad of jobs over my lifetime. I want the 'big city' type career (ie. event planning, social media, marketing), but then at some point I'd love to move to some remote part of the country and run an inn or a small bed and breakfast. There are so many different things I'd like to try my hand at, but I need some sort of concrete path to get started.

I'm hoping over the next month or so that I can figure my shit out and at least have a goal. From there we'll see where life takes me.

random rambings.

I am exhausted and I have no idea why. I'm sleeping like a crazy person - taking all kinds of naps during the day and then staying up until 3am watching Lost. I need to get on a regular sleep schedule, although I guess staying up til 3am is fine, if you think of it as midnight Pacific time. I head back to California on Wednesday so I should probably start operating on a West Coast sleep schedule. It's strange - I love this time of the year because it's holiday time and everything is so magical and wonderful (I'm currently listen to my Grooveshark Christmas playlist that I spent nine years on), but then I hate it because of all the travel involved. I guess it's my fault for moving to the West Coast, but I like spending time in my apartment without going back and forth to the East Coast. I wish I could just import my friends and family to be with me. I know myself - I'm supremely lazy, so when I get older, all this shit is happening at my house cuz I'm not going anywhere. Run and tell that, homeboy!

In exciting tech news, I bought an iPad today! Even with my brother's 25% discount and the $200 gift certificate from the raffle I bought, I still spent a ton on it and accessories. Oh, well. I know I need to get my finances in order, but I'm just so obsessed with things. I like buying tech gadgets and my wardrobe needs an update. Unfortunately, my bills also need to be paid. I think my goal is to dig myself out of the credit card debt I have from my whole cross-country move by January 1st. I sold some of my stock (my boss and teammates say I should sell now that it's high, so I feel like at least someone is co-signing my decision to offload a small piece of it) and I fully intend to spend the WHOLE amount on credit card debt. No playing around. It won't take care of all of it, but with frugal living and trying to keep my expenses light - no meals out, drinking in my apartment with friends instead of barhopping - I should be able to scramble up the rest from my paycheck. Christmas will be a little bit of a drain, but I think I can do it. That's my number 1 goal for 2011 - fiscal responsibility. Hahaha - wish me luck, because my ass is going to need it.

Anyway, I'm just rambling today because I'm half-drunk with sleep and hunger. Hope everyone's enjoying the Thanksgiving holiday!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yay! Turkey Day! I suppose I could write about the things I'm thankful for, but I'm not really in the mood. I'm incredibly pensive today about a number of random things. Thanksgiving was fun! The food was amazing (my mother is a fabulously wonderful cook) and the company was good and it's always awesome to spend time with my family. Of course, I've been letting my mind wander and here are a few places it's passed through.

1. Interviews for the new job went well and the feedback was described by the recruiter as "extremely positive," BUT they have two other candidates in the pipeline and want to finish interviews with them before they make a decision. I'm kind of crushed by this because it doesn't seem to bode well. Although, I'm mad at the friends/parent who also said this to me. Thank you to the friends who are telling me I'll still get it. Haha - even if you're lying, I like it. I guess I'm just not sure if this development is good or bad. I mean, the one chick did start interviewing before me, so it only seems fair that they continue with her, but I figure if they *loved* me they'd hire me on the spot. Arg. I don't know what goes on behind the scenes in recruiting (even though I was a recruiting coordinator for 9 months... whatevs), so I guess I'll just try to forget about it until I know. There's also the fact that I'm internal, which means it is MUCH easier for them to hire me than anyone from the outside. Even if they love her, if the hiring committee and higher-ups have issues with her education or resume, she's out. So it could still be good. Anyways, wish me luck!
2. I got a text from TG today. It was a simple 'Happy Thanksgiving' text that I know wasn't a mass text because my name was in it. It kind of threw me off my game because it showed his new Facebook photo, which is him and his new girlfriend. I'm not jealous and I don't want him at all (I mean, I have a boyfriend for one and secondly, TG and I are not right for each other), but it was still weird to see. I just don't like hearing from him at all, but I also don't like being a bitch to someone who once meant something to me, so I just wrote a short, polite response back. Maybe I should stop doing that, but I figure as long as what he does isn't intrusive, I can just roll with it.
3. I worry about my relationship (says the girl who's been in one for like a week and a half). I just wonder if I'm really into him and if this is what I really want. I think because I'm here in NY and he's in CA it's just bringing up doubts. Do we have enough in common? Does he talk enough to date me? Is he exciting enough? I suspect that I just haven't peeled back the layers enough to know for certain. I mean, I like him and the sex is good and he treats me very well. I just need to get... there. You know, that magical place that nearly every girl I know seems to be able to get to with every guy they date at such a fast pace. On the one hand, I'm proud of my independence (I was shockingly flattered when Freshman Year BFF was like "you're much more independent than most girls"), but on the other hand, sometimes I wish I was more like other girls and could fall in love easily. I know it's spared me some pain, but it's probably also caused me to miss out on some good things. But, I know myself - I'm a perfectionist to a fault and so I'm going to try and be the best motherfucking girlfriend on the history of the planet. Even if I die trying.
4. I'm getting fat. Seriously. I never use that word to describe anyone because I know how much pressure women have to be thin and perfect, but seriously, my body is going downhill. I need to get in shape FAST. Of course, it's holiday time and that won't happen, but I guess I can at least get my booty to the gym each day and try to eat more veggies, even as I stuff myself with cakes and cookies and pies. Oh well, at least my boobs are hot. Maybe I'll even make E cup status? =)

So yeah, that's what's running through my mind nowadays...

30 Days of Truth: Day 30

Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Yay! I made it - 30 days of truth! Here's my letter:

Dear CJ,

I fucking love you. You are an amazing person, despite your craziness (or maybe because of it). You go for what you want, you work hard, and you still manage to have a good time. Your sense of humor keeps your friends, acquaintances and coworkers cracking up. After several years of living in a die-hard New York family, you've got sarcasm down pat. Never lose your crisp wit, no matter how many years you spend in California. You are a good writer. Remember that - you forget it too often. You are an excellent friend and whenever you're tempted to think you're not, remember how many people are still in your life. You have friends from elementary, middle, and high school. You have camp friends and college friends, sorority sisters and work friends. You should consider that to be one of your greatest accomplishments and a testament to your personality.

You never take the easy road. You are always challenging yourself and that is a beautiful thing. You constantly look for ways to do new things and have new experiences. From three cross-country moves to a job change to chopping off all of your hair, you are fearless and it has made your life extremely rewarding. Over the years, you've become more at peace with who you are as a person - your faults, quirks, and weakness. Continue to embrace them and never allow anyone to tell you that the way you live your life is wrong. One of the best qualities you have is your ability to laugh through anything. Your smile and laughter is infectious and you should always keep it. 

You are extremely intelligent and curious about so many things and I love that. You explore cultures and languages that are not your own. You read voraciously about a number of different topics. You never let your mind lay dormant. I love how crazy OCD you are - how you make lists each morning that tell you to brush your teeth or wash your face. People think you're nutso, but in reality you're just extremely organized and there's nothing wrong with that.

Last, but not least - you are beautiful. I know you don't believe this 95% of the time, but it's true. From your curves to your full lips to your nose and your crazy/kinky/curly hair, embrace all the beauty that you have as a woman. Remember to always love yourself, regardless of anything life throws your way.

Love always,

Me

30 Days of Truth: Day 29

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I think the biggest thing I want to change about myself is my ability (or lack thereof) to have difficult conversations and face conflict head on. I feel very wishy-washy a lot of the time and I'm often afraid to talk about anything that I think may offend or hurt someone, even if I'm hurting and offended as a result of something they did. I like to consider myself a very strong person - I embrace change, I actively seek out ways to improve my life, and I've learned to be comfortable with the life I've created. I'm self-reliant and I like that. But, that being said - I still shirk from telling people off when they need to be told off. I let my friends say and do things that upset me without challenging them. And in my career, I'm often silent about important things. That really needs to stop. You can be as secure as you like on the inside, but if you're don't project that externally, you'll never get everything you want.

So in the next year, I want to get bolder and more proactive about facing conflict head on and being the real me 100% of the time, without reservation.

what do i want to be when i grow up?

This question has been haunting me for a long time. There are so many answers and so many aspects - do I want to be a wife? A mother? Thinner? Bigger? More mature? Lately, though, I've been thinking about it in the traditional sense of what kind of a career do I want. This has lead to a lot of soul-searching and ultimately the decision to look into another job at my company. The best thing about working for such a large corporation is that there is a lot of opportunity for movement internally. The company has already seen what you can do, invested in your growth, so they're more likely to let you do things you don't have the experience to do.

I've refrained from talking about it since I know some coworkers have my blog address. It's still a secret to most and I want to keep it that way, but I'm pretty positive that only one person reads this that I work with (hi gremlin!) so I'm just going to come out with it. I'm interviewing tomorrow for an internal position on the Marketing Events team. This is something I think I'd be super passionate about and really good at. I'm looking forward to doing something new, but I'm so incredibly terrified that I won't get the position and all this will be for naught.

Anyhow, more details tomorrow, but wish me luck!

30 days of Truth: Day 28

Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Ugh, this is a touchy subject now that I have a significant other. It's also a touchy subject because now I'm having sex on a regular basis and I'm not on birth control because of my blood clot. Umm, need to get my IUD stat. But, anyway... I'm not really sure what I would do until I was faced with that situation. When I think about having a child, I get so nervous - I mean, it's something I definitely want to do down the road, but I want to do it the way I think it should be done - either within a marriage or when I decide that I'm financially ready to do it on my own. I would really need to think long and hard about it and an abortion would be a very real choice. I just hope that I don't have to deal with that anytime soon.

i have a boyfriend. this is weird.

So, I haven't been posting anything substantial lately and I'm so sorry! Haha - life has been kind of busy with working late nights and now my travel to NYC (yay! I'm here!). I haven't had too much time to post about the most substantial thing to happen to me in a good, long while. Yes, that's right - I am in a relationship. The Blexican (should I still call him that?) asked me if I was his girlfriend on Sunday night after I cooked for him and I actually said yes. It's Facebook official (God, I hate Facebook even more than I usually do) and my parents know and it's out there and real.

The verdict: I'm not as terrified as I thought I would be. Although, I'm still pretty terrified. Relationships scare me and I find them weird. I took the whole of Sunday night to repeat the word 'boyfriend' aloud as I sat doing work. "My boyfriend and I," "Well, my boyfriend said," "Sorry, I have a boyfriend." I must've sounded like a proper idiot, but when you've never had something and then you have it, it's strange.

I think this whole process - the dating and the subsequent relationship - have really made me think about myself. The fact is, being single has become a defining part of my identity. Having it taken away from me (even if it's by an incredibly sweet, wonderful guy) is scary. It's like if someone called me tomorrow and told me I wasn't black. It just throws me for a loop. I think that's the thing that so many of my friends don't understand. My singleness is a huge part of my life. It's something I've guarded, treasured, and grown accustomed to. I like being able to do whatever I want. I like not having to weight my boyfriend against my friends on a given night. I like going on trips solo without checking in with someone else. I tend to live my life on the seat of my pants and being single has allowed me the freedom to make monumental decisions without checking in with anyone else. If I want to move cross-country 3 times in 3 years, I can do it and it doesn't matter.

This is new territory for me, having to think about someone else's feelings and incorporate them into my plans. Like, obviously I should invite him to my company's holiday party (check. done.). But what about my New Years plans with my friends - am I obligated to invite him? It's this kind of stuff that kills me. I'm just not sure what to do. I mean, I'm excited in a way to have someone now, but to be honest, I've never really craved the attentions of a man in the 'boyfriend' sense so I alternate between being happy and being 'meh' about the whole thing. I think it'll just take some time for me to get used to it. And since I like him and think he's really awesome, I want to try harder to make this thing work. I'll be sure to keep you all posted along the way...

30 days of Truth: Day 27

Day 27: What's the best thing going for you right now?

I think the best thing I have going for me is my dedication to creating the life I want. The fact that I don't resist change, but embrace it wholeheartedly. That I'm always working on myself, no matter what. That I refuse to be stagnant. I am always trying to move forward and that's what has helped me get as far as I have already. I know I have more work to do to create the life I want, but I'm not afraid of the work and I'm ready to get started.

30 Days of Truth: Day 26

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up life? If so, when and why?

As I mentioned in Day 25, I was super depressed in my preteen years, back in middle school. I definitely contemplated suicide and for a period of about 6 months or so, I cut myself on a regular basis. This is something I never really share broadly and I struggled with whether or not I wanted to write about it here, but this is 30 Days of Truth and not 30 Days of Half-Truths. I guess I just felt lonely and I had so much trouble with my parents - it was like we fought all the time. I hung out with kids who liked to do bad things and it wasn't really what I wanted for myself. I got in trouble in school - something that rarely ever happened to me - and I was just in a bad place. I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to and so I just retreated into myself. The cutting just kind of happened accidentally. It never really escalated to a point where I was concerned, but it certainly wasn't a high point in my life.

As I mentioned before, faith in God really got me out of it. Believing in something higher than myself gave me the courage I needed to turn things around. I made new friends (the vast majority of which I still talk to today), I repaired my relationship with my parents, and I continued to excel in school and athletics. I was able to fix things and the experience taught me that in the future instead of hurting myself, I should look at what was wrong in my life and go about proactively changing it. That being said, I wish I would've had the courage to talk to a professional to make sure that everything was okay, but luckily it all worked out and I was able to push through. I would encourage anyone reading this who is contemplating hurting themselves to find someone to talk to - a counselor, professor, psychologist, etc. - because sometimes the problem isn't something you can't solve alone.

30 Days of Truth: Day 25

Day 25: The reason you believe you're still alive today.

This might be shocking to most of you, but I believe the reason I'm still alive today is because of God and faith. There have been a few dark times in my life and the most vivid one was when I was a teenager, growing up in my parents house and hating the world. I had many dark thoughts then, but I was also going through my confirmation at the time. I decided to read the entire New Testament and try to renew my faith in God. I can't really explain what happened to me, but I basically grew closer in my relationship to a power greater than myself and this faith propels me even today. I believe that the Universe has always looked out for me. I was an unwanted bastard child born to an unwed 16 year old girl - God found me a home with two wonderful parents who gave me everything I could ever dream of. I've made excellent friends, gone to a good school, snagged a good job, and have achieved a level of independence I never thought possible. I see God in all of these wonderful things and I trust that God will lead me where I need to go. So even though I don't go to church anymore, I will always believe in a Divine Power that watches over me and I believe that's why I'm still alive today.

30 Days of Truth: Day 24

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs

I've decided to copy C and make this playlist for any man who wants to successfully date me.

Meredith Brooks "Bitch"

I don't even know if I need to explain this, but it's like this song was made for me. I'm difficult - notoriously so - and I may be slightly neurotic and not as outwardly emotional as your average woman, but this is who I am. Take it or leave it.

Alanis Morissette "Head Over Feet"

"You treat me like I'm a princess. I'm not used to liking that." This is what I imagine it will be like if and when I fall in love - reluctantly but completely.

Olivia Newton-John "Let's Get Physical"

Ridiculous? Yes. Cheesy? Definitely. I still love it and it reminds me of all the third and fourth dates I've gone on where nothing has happened. If you want to be with me, the physical is SO important. I'm not saying you have to be a porn star, but you're gonna have to take the lead and kiss me. I like men who are sexually aggressive, so bring it.

Beyonce "Upgrade You"
If there's one thing I am, it's upwardly mobile. I want my relationship to reflect that. Any man that I'm with, I'm gonna support him and try to make him the best he can be. I hope that he'd do the same for me. Two words: power couple.


Billie Holiday "The Very Thought of You"
I love Billie Holiday to death. I find this song to be so sweet. On the rare occasion that I'm besotted with someone, this is what it's like. I just think of them and can't focus on anything else. It's one of my favorite feelings in the world.


Jekyll & Hyde "Take Me As I Am"
No playlist of mine is free of showtunes. I love this song because it really sums up everything I want from a partner - you take me for who I am and I'll do the same thing for you. No changing each other - just complete and total acceptance, flaws and all.


Coldplay "Fix You"
This is a side of me that most people don't get to see, but when I really like a guy, I love it when he's there to help me solve my problems. When I hear this song (that Chris Martin wrote for Gwyneth Paltrow when her father died), it just makes me melt. I want someone to want to be there or me in that way. To help me with anything and fix me when I need it.


Dido "Hunter"
This is a break-up song, but I think it describes me to a tee. The thing is, I'm always going to want to "be a hunter again." I'm never going to be comfortable with your standard relationship and there's going to be a part of me that wants to roam and be independent. If you want to be with me, you're going to have to be comfortable with that side of me and give me room to be myself, even when that means I want to be alone. I never cheat and I'm insanely loyal, but I need space. Respect that.

Lady Gaga "Pokerface"
My typical stance in relationships - "I won't tell you that I love you / Kiss or hug you / Cuz I'm bluffin with my muffin"


The Lonely Island "Jizz In My Pants"
Why on earth would anyone include a song like this on a playlist for their future man? Basically, I like to laugh - a lot. I also have a dirty sense of humor. If you don't like either of those things, it ain't gonna work. I think this song can give any potential man an idea of what I think is funny and will probably prepare them for the absolutely ridiculous things that will come out of my mouth.

30 Days of Truth: Day 23

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

This one is easy for me - I wish I had spent some time abroad. I was planning to apply for programs for my junior year, but sophomore year was brutal for me. I hated everything and wasn't happy and had just started to put into motion the plan that was going to make my life better - joining a sorority, throwing myself into theatre. So I scrapped the application because I knew it just wasn't the right time for me. I didn't want to improve things only to leave them. 

I like to think I'm a pretty educated, intelligent girl, but I'm not worldly in the sense of travel. I have friends from all different ethnicities and backgrounds and know a lot about different cultures, but I've never really been out of the United States. I went to Germany when I was 5 and I made one trip to Canada for Spring Break in college - I don't even know if those experiences should count. I'm not really sure if my life is in a place right now where I could spend any long-term time abroad, but I hope I at least get to travel and see some new places, even if it's just for a week or two. 

i'm back!

Hi friends! So, I'm hoping to get back to a regular posting schedule about my regular topics. I'm really enjoying exploring this whole relationship thing - it's invigorating and interesting. In other news, I also have major news on the work front, but I can't share it right now, so rawr! Instead, this is what I can talk about in my life.

The Blexican is coming over tomorrow night and I'm excited. I actually miss him. I think this whole 'him working til 1:30am Tues-Thurs' thing makes it easier for me to want to be with him. I need a little distance in my relationships to help them grow and his schedule allows me to have that. Not only that, he seems extremely supportive of my right to have my own life. I've never really been with anyone like that - at least not anyone that wanted to be with me. Sure, when you're hooking up with guys they don't care about that stuff because they just want sex. But, he seems to really want to be with me and yet he's totally down with the fact that I go on trips without him and that some nights I can't hang out because I wanna do my own thing. I like it. I'm not opposed to relationships at all, but I know that the relationship that I want is something unconventional and tailored to fit my own personal neuroses and he seems to be down for it. I don't want to be a 'we' couple - that's just not me. Most of it is trust - I don't trust anyone. Relationships, friendships, etc are fleeting and so I am always ready to walk away at a moment's notice, but I feel more trust for him than I have for anyone thus far. So, to show him my appreciation for being so sweet, I'm going to make him dinner on Sunday night. I'm excited and terrified. Additionally, if you want to see the most awkward thing in your life, watch me try to write an endearing text message. I don't know why, but I can't use things like 'sweetie or baby' without throwing up a little in my mouth. Then when I decided to use 'hun' instead, he made fun of me. Jesus, take the wheel - I need relationship help.

Anyway, since I'm doing all this soul-searching and whatnot, I've decided that this weekend we're going to have the Talk. Not necessarily the 'I wanna be your girlfriend' talk, but more like I want to know what he thinks of me, if he's seeing other girls (I'd bet my right arm he isn't, but I want to ask anyway), and where he thinks this can go.  I don't need some kind of crazy commitment right now, but I know myself - I avoid things that make me uncomfortable. This makes me uncomfortable and so I need to just do it. I don't think I can really explain to you all how nervous relationships make me. I've always been single - ALWAYS - and it's been a huge part of me. Giving it up feels sad, almost. I just want to make sure I do this right. When you're happy with yourself and you love yourself and you love being alone, it's hard to let someone into that without feeling a little nervous. I enjoy my lifestyle and changing it is going to be rough. But, I think I may have found someone that will let me be me and that's more valuable than anything else. Wish me luck!

30 Days of Truth: Day 22

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.

This one is really difficult because I believe every action you take in your life puts you on a path towards something and so even if you can't see it in the present, it doesn't mean that it's not a positive in some way. That being said, I think I'm going to list the one sexual experience that truly made me feel disgusting. I hooked up with this really not attractive guy in the Bahamas in a moment of weakness and I wish I hadn't have done it. It was spring break and I was on vacation with MB and we were at this club. I wasn't even drunk or attracted to him - I was just bored, which is no reason to do anything. I stupidly went off with him to this abandoned doctor's office place and it was just bad news bears. I'm lucky that he didn't force me to do something I didn't want to or that he didn't chop me up into little pieces. It was stupid and senseless and I really shouldn't have done it. I'm all about sex positivity and doing what you feel like sexually, but I didn't even have a strong desire to hook up with him - I kind of just went with the flow. 

A few years have passed since that happened, and I've learned a lot more about taking control of my sexuality in a way that feels healthy and safe to me. Oh, I also learned not to give my phone number out to strange men I don't like because homeboy called me for MONTHS afterwards, promising to fly me back out to the Bahamas. Yeah... lesson learned.

long time, no chat.

Arg - I feel like I haven't written anything substantial in a while. Mostly because I'm avoiding the whole 'being viewed as a horrible shrew' thing. I still can't really blog about it without upsetting myself, which is why I wrote about 8 million snarky things and then promptly deleted them. It should be a full-time job to be this bitchy. I'm getting over it, though. Slowly but surely. I guess I should stop caring what the world thinks of me. I've always done me, regardless of anything, so I suppose I'll just keep on keepin' on. Although, if one more person mentions the 'plight of the single black woman' I might resort to murder/suicide. Especially if that person is not a black woman. I just sent College BFF an angry email about some article I saw this morning. God, I'm glad to have her in my life - I would go stir crazy without her.

I have a few posts I want to write about my budding relationship and my views on it and how it is for me to date in a serious way. Look out for it this week!

In other news, I'm getting super excited about next week. I'm going home to NYC/Long Island for two weeks. I'm going to eat warm bagels, delicious pizza, and maybe even a knish. I'm going to party like a crazy woman with my friends - thank God for bars that stay open til 5am. I even have Mocksgiving plans with the Law School Ladies and the NYC MCMers, in addition to the glorious premiere of Harry Potter. Did I also mention I get to see Cubemate and Gremlin again?! Yay!!! I'm so stoked - you have no idea. I also am going to go sari shopping with Slindy for (former) boy roomie's Indian wedding! I want hot pink! I have so many plans I can barely contain myself. I might run myself into the ground if I don't get some rest.

The next week is a whirlwind of social stuff - MB's birthday dinner tonight at an amazing soul food restaurant, Friday night in with the Blexican, Saturday - Mad Men/Nopalito date and clubbing, Sunday - 49ers game and then I'm cooking the Blexican dinner. Exciting! I'm never ever going to get anything done, though, but it feels nice to be so settled here. I can't even begin to explain to you how shocked I am that I've been here for only two months and it feels like home. It's truly amazing =)

30 Days of Truth: Day 21

Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

This one is a no-brainer - I would go and run to my friend. I've said this a million times, but my friends are the most important people in my life. I would never let anything like a stupid fight get in the way of supporting them, especially if they were hurt. I'd be at the hospital praying and if I couldn't get there, then I'd be on the phone with their parents making sure everything was okay and doing whatever I could for them. There are a lot of horrible things people can (and have) said about me - but no one can ever accuse me of being a shitty friend.

vegas weekend!

This weekend was amazing! I've officially changed my stance on Vegas and I now love it. Cannot wait to go back!

Got in around 3pm and showered and got all cute. Met up with the rest of the group at the bar (I think we were a grand total of 13 folks - mostly kids from my college and then a few engineer kids) for 99 cent margaritas. Spent the rest of the afternoon catching up with MB and chattering about life. Then an epic 7.99 steak dinner at Ellis Island. I seriously love that place - it's this little seedy casino where everything is super cheap, but shockingly good. I can't remember too much of the rest of the night, but I remember being lame and going to sleep early.

Sunday was the usual craziness - I was drunk all fucking day. Champagne brunch was glorious, followed by the Bacardi pavilion (it's not called that, I just like referring to it that way). Lots of rum drinks were followed by the ridiculous decision to go to Serendipity 3 for ice cream. Except, I was insanely hungry and drunk and stupid, which meant between me and MB, we ordered french fries, garlic bread, a peanut butter sundae, and macaroni and cheese. I don't think I need to tell you that my stomach fucking HATED me the rest of the evening. I was so lucky I didn't boot especially since I also had my period at the time. Epic food fail. Thai dinner (mistake as I could barely move, much less eat Thai food) was followed by a night out clubbing.

The first club. Oh Lord, I wish I would've taken pictures. It was this free little nightclub in Caesar's Palace and literally the median age when we got there was probably 62 -- and that's being generous. It was just a clusterfuck of old people, but I had the best time people watching. They did play Lady Gaga for me. Eventually the three of us (it was me, MB, and Ace) decided to just pony up and go to a real club, so we hit up Pure. It was amazing. I have to go back - music was phenomenal, the crowd was age appropriate and it wasn't too crowded. Two long island iced teas later and I was feeling good. My friends did ditch me on the dance floor and I was left alone for a bit, but I found a cute gay man to occupy my time. Seriously - gay men LOVE me. It's ridick. After the club, we met back up with the rest of the group, did shots, and then MB and I had steak dinner with the boys. Trips like this always remind me that I'm so not a real girl. I always end up fitting into the "one of the boys" role in most of my friendships. I enjoy it =)

So yeah, that was Vegas in a nutshell. I was hungover as fuck yesterday, so The Blexican came over and brought me Mexican food and snuggled with me while I looked like shit in my PJs and glasses. As a reward, I'm cooking him dinner on Sunday night. So yay! All is well there.

30 Days of Truth: Day 20

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Umm, more of them? I'm a pretty big fan of both drugs and alcohol, as I'm sure most of you know - especially alcohol. In the words of my BFF, "I've had a longer relationship with a bottle of vodka than any man I've dated." Alcohol has always been there for me - social lubricant, tension reliever, and party starter all in one. I'm a fan. I'm the ultimate hippie child when it comes to drugs, so I think they should just be legal. If you want to put whatever into your body, go ahead - it's your responsibility to moderate it. I know that's not a popular view, but that's how I feel. I guess, though, that I'm a person who's good with boundaries and so I very rarely take it over the edge. You can ask almost anyone - I handle my alcohol exceptionally well. It's truly a skill. As far as drugs go, I've only really done pot and once I snorted a crushed up oxycodone. I'm not really too interested in drugs, but I'm also not interested in taking them away from people who use them recreationally. Hell, I think the government should profit off it. More money for them, more regulation, and less shadiness associated with drug dealing and distribution. But, hey that's just my opinion.

i need a break from my life right now.

Everything is happening wayyyy too quickly right now and I need a break. I'm busy at work catching up from the conference I've been at for the past two days and I realize I've royally shit the bed on some tasks I've got. I'm also thinking about my future career trajectory and have had a bunch of meetings with different people about where I think my job is going and where I want it to go. Top that off with tons of social events since my work BFF is leaving to go back to NYC AND a trip to Vegas on Saturday and I feel like I'm drowning in life. There's just too much to do and not enough time. Tonight, Blexican and I are going to the movies and then he's going to come stay over so I can cuddle and have a massage - haha. I got my period yesterday and it sucks! Cramps cramps cramps and I can't even get laid. Rawr. I just need some *me* time. I'm looking forward to next Monday, which I'm taking off to tool around the city. I'll write back with tales of Vegas and debauchery at the end of the weekend!

30 Days of Truth: Day 19

Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Religion - I have a funny history with religion. When I was younger, I was kind of obsessed with it. I've read the Bible from cover to cover and when I was younger and depressed, religion kind of saved me. However, I've always held unconventional beliefs for a Christian - for example, I believe in reincarnation and I don't believe in Heaven or Hell. My parents were always super cool with my unconventional beliefs - I think they just wanted me to believe in God, everything else was unimportant.

When I grew up, though, I stopped identifying as Christian or going to church. I'm still very spiritual - I believe in God strongly and that phe (God is genderless to me) touches everything I do. I still enjoy going to church on Easter Sunday and I believe in some tenets of Christianity, but in general I do my own thing and hope for the best.

Politics - I am the least political smart person you will ever meet. I just really don't care about politics at all, even though I know I should. I'm definitely more liberal than anything else - I love gays and civil rights and fluffy bunnies and all of that. Fiscally, I don't know anything about anything, so I don't really know what to identify as. I vote when it's important, but that may not be every single election cycle (::shameface::). I think it boils down to the fact that I don't trust politicians, for one. It's a dirty business and even the best of them have to play the game to some extent. To add to that, I'm a person who resists having strong opinions about most things, so I'm easily swayed by political debate. Sometimes I get saddened by the fact that I just don't care and I'm not extremely knowledgeable about the issues, but then I know that it's just not something I'm interested in. I know it's not hip to be apathetic, but I can be sometimes. Sad, but true.

30 Days of Truth: Day 18

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.

I am a full-fledged supporter of gay marriage. I think that any two people who love each other should be afforded the same rights, respect, and recognition that heterosexual people receive. It hurts me so much that gay people are treated as 'less than' the rest of us because they have a different sexual orientation. That they can't adopt children or have the same benefits at work. I just think that love is a special, unique thing and when you find it - whether it's with a man or a woman - you should be able to get married.

on writing.

I'm feeling particularly chatty tonight, most likely because I have a ton of work to do and I'm going to be up all night anyway.

I've been thinking a lot about this blog and the writing I do here. What I want this corner of the internet to be. Honestly, I never thought anyone would follow this stuff - outside of my friends, who I figured would read to be polite or just to keep up with what's going on with me. Every time I get a comment from someone I don't know (and also those that I do!), I get really jazzed and it makes me feel good. I sometimes wonder if bearing my soul (and my sex life) on the internet is a wise idea, but I like to think that I'm helping myself get through things, one post at a time, or at least I'm writing something that resonates with someone else. That doesn't mean that it's not difficult to do on a daily basis. It's exhausting sometimes, especially because I'm more vulnerable and I share more here than I do in real life. I hold some unconventional views about life and love and sex and sometimes it's hard to put them out there. I hate the judgment - both real and imagined - but I know it's a part of life.

When I started blogging, I was young and stupid. Seriously, you guys should read some of the shit I wrote - it was awful. But, this blogging thing has evolved into a form of therapy for me and a way to get everything out there. A catalog and chronicle of my neuroses, so to speak. Of course, this means that all my shit is out there front and center for all my blog friends and real life friends to see, and sometimes that's hard for me. But, I have to think about why I'm writing these things down and why they're important to me. It's all about personal growth and honesty. There's times when I want to tear everything down and just start over in a new space and not let anyone know where I've gone. There are other times when I wonder why some people have this link and others don't, and whether or not I want to give more of myself here - pictures and whatnot. I guess it's all stuff I need to think about, but I never want to censor myself. I just want to be me here, but I know things I've written here could hurt people (ahem, TG) and that's not what I want either.

ANYWAY, lately I feel like I've been playing out all my little emotional relationship dramas here and I just don't think I'm coming across the way I want to (which is NOT as an emotionless, love-hating freak who can't just chill out and date normally), so I'm going to stop talking about it until I think I can articulate it the way it needs to be articulated. I'm worried that I'm freaking people out, when the short of it is that I'm still formulating my personal worldview on what role men need to play in my life and whether or not I want a conventional relationship. If you want to read an eloquent write-up of my current state of mind regarding conventional love, you should totally read Lena Chen's 'Do All of Us Need "The One"' piece. She's badass and I love her and she pretty much articulates everything I'm thinking AND she's in a relationship so you can't knock her as an always single chick. Instead, she's just a girl thinking about gender roles and expectations in a fresh way. I like it. So, I'll make some mention of The Blexican in a general way as things go on, but I'm gonna stick to keeping my inner turmoil in my diary for a little while, if that's okay. I need to stop thinking about this shit in general and just live. My favorite red-headed sorority sister always told me I analyze things too much and she's 100% correct. So that's my little experiment for now. Don't worry, I'm still going to be posting lots of insanely personal shit, but I'm going to dial back a bit on the relationship stuff until I've sorted out in my own head. Plus, perhaps someday, I'll want to give a guy I'm dating this link without him thinking I'm a emotionally stunted crackhead. I don't need to air out all my dirty laundry all the time, especially my repetitive dirty laundry.

In other news, 3 days til Vegas shenanigans! Expect lots on that!

30 Days of Truth: Day 17

Day 17: A book you've read that changed your views on something.

Hands down, A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess. That book has totally changed my life. "Does God want goodness or the choice of goodness? Is a man who chooses to be bad perhaps in some way better than a man who has the good imposed upon him?" That pretty much sums up my life philosophy right there. For so long, I tried to be so many things that I'm not - consistently striving to be a model of perfection that I would never be able to attain. Reading about Alex and his band of hooligans with their crazy Nadsat slang made me realize that I don't want to be a 'clockwork orange' - something living and breathing and full of life that's been turned into a machine. I want to choose my own path in this world and if that means that I do things that some people find questionable, so be it. I'm just happy to be me. What good is being a perfect person, if you're forced into it? It's better off to just follow your heart and do you, regardless.

So that's how I'm living my life - loud, proud, bold, and unapologetically me.

i haven't given up yet.

So I'm still seeing The Blexican, but I'm still conflicted. He came over last night and the sex was amazing, as it always is. I have to say, compared to all the men I've slept with, I think the two of us are most on point and in sync. This isn't to say it's the best sex I've ever had (as the emotional part isn't there yet), but he's skilled, attentive, all those things. I enjoy him. I guess that's a plus.

I'm just a little nervous because I think his feelings are way stronger than mine. Like the way he looks at me - it makes me uncomfortable because I know that I'm not feeling quite that strongly yet. Or at all. I don't know when I became this monster or why, but it's really made me think about getting my booty into therapy ASAP. I feel like this level of neuroses and fear about relationships has to stem from some deep-rooted ridiculousness. Then the other half of me wants to challenge that assumption and say that there's nothing wrong with me just because I don't buy into society's image of a perfect life. ARG - frustration. I need to figure this shit out stat or I risk never knowing if I'm just not relationship-inclined or if something else is behind it. For a while, I thought it was maybe because I've been ditched by friends who've started seeing someone, but I know that's not it. While I do have friends who tend to get caught up in their relationships and stop seeing their girlfriends once a boy is in the picture, none of those chicks are inner circle friends. In fact, I'd argue that the girlfriends I made in college became my close friends mainly because of their tendency *not* to do that. My three closest sorority sisters are all people who have similar man issues to me. We're not exactly the same, but we all struggle with relationships and closeness and intimacy. That's why I love them - because when I talk to them, I know they just get it. There's no trying to sway me one way or the other. They just know that this is how I am and they get that I'm trying to work through it. So it's not that... I don't know what it is.

Moving has made me an extremely pensive person. In the course of the two months I've been here, I've been making major changes. I'm currently looking at all aspects of my life and trying to optimize - making sure I have the right people in my life, that I'm doing the work I love, and that I'm putting myself out there in all ways. I know it won't be easy, but I need to just keep working on myself and keep pushing through. I'm sure I'll get to my destination sometime, even if I'm not 100% sure where it is I'm trying to go.

30 Days of Truth: Day 16

Day 16: Someone or something you could definitely live without.

I could definitely live without racism, hatred, and intolerance.

I've never understood why people feel the need to make fun of or torture people for being different from themselves. There is so much beauty in difference and at the end of the day, what should really matter is what kind of person you are, not who you sleep with, where your mother grew up, or whether you have a penis or a vagina. I just don't get why anyone would want to spend their energy hating another group of people. It's senseless to me.

30 Days of Truth: Day 15

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.

Is it bad that the first thing I thought of was alcohol? All joking aside, though - I could not live without books. I love reading wayyyy too much to ever give it up. Ever since I was a small child, I've been reading. As the only girl and the oldest by 5 years, I didn't really have a lot of playtime with my siblings since they weren't interested in me and I wasn't interested in them. So instead I read. All the time. To this day, I'm not happy unless I'm reading a minimum of three books at the same time.