i haven't posted in a week. i suck...

Apologies for my ridiculous lack of posting. I don't know what's come over me. Last week was a little crazy and I just fucked up with taking time to write. BUT, I have all my entries for this week planned out, and I'm looking forward to getting back into the introspective writing game. You can look forward to posts about my brand new IUD, recent relationship revelations (yeah, alliteration!!!!), and my new Five Year Plan.

So what kept me away last week?

• Events Team Offsite: Ummm, these events kids know how to throw a fucking party. I am super impressed with everything that happened at the offsite. It was creative, fun, and involved tons of free alcohol. I am so afraid that I am not cool enough to have the job I do.
• NYC in SF: My work girlies from my old team were here and we had a ton of fun hanging out and being dorky. Highlights definitely include karaoke-ing into the wee hours of the morning. I did a rendition of I'm On A Boat that was fucking amazing. I think that's my new go to karaoke tune.
• Bieber Fever: Okay, bitches. Don't hate on me, but I *love* me some Justin Bieber. I thought my Belieber status was set in stone when I first heard "Baby," but going to see Never Say Never: Director's Cut in 3D with KCC and my new friend KS has truly cemented my fan status. It was amazing. Seriously. I laughed, I cried, I sang along. It was bomb. I have no shame!
• Oscars: The ceremony was pretty shitty. Anne and James were meh as far as hosting goes (homeboy was definitely stoned the whole time) and the Kirk Douglas part was uncomfortable as hell. So was the ending with all the children singing. I totally love what that teacher is doing for those kids in Staten Island, but I was creeped out by the whole performance at the end with all of the winners. It didn't seem to make any sense and just felt... awkies. 

Anyway, tomorrow I'll talk about the IUD process and hopefully kick off a week full of posts! Yay! 

why are 3 day weekends never enough...

I know I should be super productive today, since I spent all weekend dicking around, but instead I'm on my couch watching 30Rock in an oversized sweatshirt after having a glass of wine. It's barely 1:30pm - I should be ashamed of myself, I know! I'm trying to get up the motivation to go to the mall so I can at least say I've been outside, but we'll see how it goes. 
I've been in my head a lot lately, about everything. I can't really think of anything compelling to blog about. I don't want to turn this into the place where I go to nitpick about The Blexican (things are good so far, but every so often something happens that makes me have an allergic reaction to him), so I'm laying off the relationship stuff. I already talked about work and nothing has really changed there. I'm starting to think more about sex and how I want to find a meaningful way to turn my perverted interests into something good - like sex education for inner city students or starting a blog about all those uncomfortable topics that people feel like they can't share with others. Because I'm pretty open about everything I've done sexually, it does make people feel a little more comfortable sharing their own experiences with me and I'd love to turn that into some good. I'm supremely selfish, so I'll never be a true do-gooder, but this could be my one chance to do something positive! Of course, time is an issue, as well as confidentiality, so we'll see how it goes.
I was bad and skipped my sex workshop. I'm still pissed at myself over how flaky I can be at any given time, but I guess I wasn't ready to be quite that open yet. Either that or the SF rain got me down.
I'm thinking about writing again. I miss being creative and I envy my boyfriend so much when he talks about his animations and creative aspirations. I don't really have that outlet. I think I will at work once I really get immersed in events, but for now, my life is pretty cut and dry. Writing could be a way to mix that up and get to exercise a part of myself that I frequently keep locked away. 
Or maybe I'm just slightly tipsy and rambling... 

one month.

Work has been stressing me out lately, so I figure it's time to take it to the blog! I don't really like talking about my job on the interwebs because I'm always crazy afraid that they'll find this blog and I'll be fired. Granted, from working in HR, I know I'm not doing anything wrong. I've never mentioned my company on here (although I'm sure most of you either know or can guess where I work) and I never talk about our products, services, or policies. The stress is getting to me, though, so it's time to post.

First off, I'm really happy I am not in my old role. Like ecstatically happy - you have no idea. Whenever I get an email about something I used to do or hear my former colleagues talk about drama, I get the widest smile on my face because I am done with that craziness. However, there are some things I miss so much. First off, I miss actually having meaningful work to do and a lot of it. I enjoy all of the tasks I've been given, but there just haven't been enough of them. I know I should take the downtime and just chill out, but when everyone else is running around like a chicken with its head cut off, I feel guilty being in a lull. I've started begging for work, which I'm sure will blow up in my face, but hey - I need to be busy. This is the career field I think I want to be in for the rest of my life and I'm itching to get to know more about it. I've also gotten feedback in the past about how I'm not good with the transition over to a new team. How sometimes people don't know what I'm working on. So I'm trying to make sure my boss knows what I'm working on and knows that I have the bandwidth to get more done. I did hear her talking on the phone to our teammate in Atlanta about me doing 20% of my time on her events. That would be amazing and maybe I could even travel a bit! The fact is, when I don't have enough work, I get super lazy. I take weeks to do tasks that should take a second and I daydream more. It's not good.

The second issue is team dynamic. I love my old team like whoa. They know me super well - what my likes and dislikes are, how my love life is progressing, and how much of a lush I am. We would always go get lunch together, accompany each other on errands, and party on the weekends/evenings. They became my friends and they're still my good friends - from New York down to the South Bay. We still talk and ping and chat all the time. I haven't made those bonds on the new team and it just seems like that's not the vibe they have. People do their own thing. Luckily, one of my coworkers feels like me and we've already chatted about how much we hate that no one seems to do anything together. So at least I have one friend in the office that I can get along with. Thank goodness for small mercies, I suppose. Also, since the SF office is new to me, I don't know anyone here outside of my team, so it gets kind of lonely. I'm going to try and get involved with an organization here that focuses on the diverse committees here. Since the office is small, each ethnic/special interest group can't really support their own group, so there's one big one, dedicated to diversity of all forms. Hopefully that'll gain me some new friends.

Anyway, just felt like venting. I know most of this stuff will be okay in the end - I'll get more work and I'll eventually find a niche of people to chill with - I just need to vent about the shitty aspects now. Any kind of change is painful, I know that, but I'm really impatient for things to get settled.

ooo girl, sugar cookies!

Don't ask me about the title, I tried to find the corresponding video and epic failed all over the place, but HI =) I know I haven't been posting lately - I'm not sure why. I'm kind of boring right now and don't really have anything to say, plus I've been crazy exhausted. This week's been pretty good - spent a lot of time with the boy due to Valentine's Day. It was fun - we did a boat cruise around the Bay the day before and then a low-key dinner at his place followed by a massage for the actual day. A good time had by all.

I've fallen off the gym bandwagon, which is sad because I feel like a fat cow. I'm hoping the new Whole Foods that just opened in my area will inspire me to eat better and cook more. My hair is also starting to annoy me and I'm thinking about just putting it in braids or *gasp* a weave for a month to let it grow out. In other words, I am a hot ass mess - lol - but, I'm having fun and I'm generally happy. I've started to become better friends with one of my new colleagues. I'm thinking we'll be really good friends in the future, which is great because she makes work a little less lonely. In other work news, I'm getting to help out with my first event! It's for International Women's Day and I'm stoked because it'll be near the Golden Gate Bridge - gorgeous! It's in March and I can't wait to get to see an event unfold live.

Up on the docket this weekend - a workshop with Tristan Taormino on orgasms! Can I just talk about how much I have *loved* Tristan ever since I saw her on Real Sex as a kid. She is amazing, so I'm looking forward to learning from her and getting to meet her. I may just about have a panic attack and fangirl out when I see her. Other than that, the usual - book club meeting, shopping, etc. Hope everyone's having a good week! =)

holy shit, i did it!

Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw, but I did it! Excuse my vulgar language, but last night I got incredibly drunk and decided that once and for all it was time to cut TG out of my life completely. No more TripIt, no Foursquare, no Twitter, no LinkedIn, no Tumblr, no Facebook, and no gChat - yup, that's right, I removed him as a contact in my email and my phone. I am terrified. I don't like cutting people out of my life - it's hard for me and I suck at it. We'll see if I have any relapses, but I'm hoping that this allows me to move on a little bit. I'm also wondering if this is going to blow up in my face. I once had an ex ream me out for de-friending him. He told me I "crossed the line" - you would've thought I cut off his dick or something. Now that I'm awake and sober, it feels a little strange to have severed ties so bluntly, without any warning or anything, but I think it was long overdue.

Speaking of exes, I had an adverse reaction yesterday when the Blexican mentioned an ex-girlfriend. He was telling me how she recommended some place for him to do his taxes. He was recommending it to me as a place to do mine. Umm, hell no - I am not going anywhere some stupid chick he used to bang suggested. Yeahhh, glad to see I'm still a petty bitch. One step forward, two steps back. =)

2011: the year of the woman

I know that the end of December/beginning of January is supposed to be the time when one reflects on the past and decides what the new year is going to be about, but I'm never good at doing things when they're supposed to be done. After 25 years in this body, one of the things I've learned about myself is that I always do things wrong the first time. Seriously. I am not the kind of chick who is able to try something and succeed flawlessly on the first go. I make mistakes, I stumble and I trip. I usually don't fall, which is a positive, but I rarely make the right decision the first time out of the gate. A few examples:

• Friendship: I suck at picking friends initially. Every single new situation I've been in, I always head straight towards the wrong people. My amazing high school friends only came about after I had some really shitty middle school friends. My first year of college I was lost and hung out with a lot of people just because they were around. I think it's pretty telling that I only retained two good friends from that time period and the rest of my close friends came from later years.
• College: I was a hot mess for the first two years of my college career. Seriously. I didn't feel like anyone really understood me, I slept like it was my job, and I felt lonely about 95% of the time. Then junior year came around and all of a sudden life was golden! It only took two years, rushing two Greek organizations, joining nearly every club at school, and a nervous breakdown to get there.
• San Francisco: For long-time readers and friends, you remember how absolutely miz I was the first time I lived here. I hated my life and everything about it. I was sick (blood clots, ya'll!), lonely, and in an unhealthy relationship. It sucked. I tucked my tail between my legs, moved back to NYC, spent two years there learning and growing and then decided to try again. Now I love SF and I'm firmly convinced that I will live in the Bay Area for the rest of my life. Every day I think about how happy I am to be here (and not just because you suckers out east are getting all that snow! Hahahahahaha) and how blessed my life has become.

The point of all this rambling is that I thought I knew what I wanted in this new year, but it's only really crystallized over the past couple of days. This is the year when I come into my own as a woman, when I finally decide to grow up in a real and meaningful way. Yes, I am terrified of adulthood, but I'm also firmly convinced I can do it my way and I'm putting the pieces in place to help me get there. 

I'm finally fixing my nightmarish finances - I've started saving and really thinking about my spending habits. I'm going to the gym again because I want my body to look the way it used to - curvy, yet toned. As motivation for that, I bought a Living Social deal to get sexy Boudoir photos taken - with hair and makeup and sexy lingerie! To remind myself that I'm fucking hot and that I should never get myself down about my body or my size. I'm recommitting myself to being a sexual being - whether I'm seeing someone or not. I want to explore all the things I've always been too shy or inhibited to try. I'm seeing a therapist and she's helping me work through my anxiety issues. I'm living on my own in a wonderful apartment that I plan to decorate and really make my own. I'm going to start cooking again. I really want this year to be about growth and renewal - a rebirth of sorts. I'm tired of being a girl and ready to start being a woman. 

back and forth and back and forth.

Arg. Relationships. They kill me. Seriously, they do. I will never understand them or why I function the way I do within them. It's been long overdue, but I figure you all wanna know what's up with me and my boyfriend. I don't know if there's really a simple way to answer that question.

I'm a questioner, a doubter, an analyzer. I flip-flop about my feelings like nobody's business. One day, I want to break up and end it all and the next, I'm loving the relationship. I'm not really sure where my head is at because it doesn't stay in the same place at any given moment in time. I had a ton of heart to hearts with my friends about how I was going to end things because I wasn't sure how I felt about him and it was hard for me to stay with someone who was so obviously devoted to me when I was on the fence. Now, I'm changing my mind and thinking that this could be something really good for me.

Lately, the boy has stepped it up. I'm not even sure he's doing it consciously; I think we're just getting comfortable with each other. I'm also slowly but surely getting my sex drive back and he's been a huge part of it. Last weekend was kind of a breakthrough of sorts for me. We spent Friday night together and I was just really in the mood to knock his socks off and be as sex kittenish as I could be. Mission accomplished and it was a fun night. We took a break from hanging out Saturday and I got my much-needed "me time," but then we got back together on Sunday to head to a Super Bowl Party. I had fun - he seemed more relaxed and okay with hanging out with my friends. A good time had by all. He even managed to convince me to let him up to my apartment afterwards, where I accidentally gave him his Valentine's Day Sexual Favor gift early. Oh well, I'll have to think of something else crazy to do for actual V Day. It was just nice to give in to the moment and not worry about my work or anything. I just wanted to spend time with him.

I also did something that I've never done with anyone I've dated. We had the sexual fantasy talk. Like a real sexual fantasy talk. I always shy away from that discussion because, as you can imagine, I have some unorthodox sexual desires and I want to make sure a guy takes me seriously before I get into all of that. It was nice to be vulnerable in that way with someone and have him be vulnerable with me. Not only that, we were talking and I mentioned Good Vibrations (NSFW, obvs) - my absolute fave sex toy shop. Then yesterday, I get an IM from him telling me that he stopped by there and he *loved* it. He said he had a great discussion with the woman who works there about lube and condoms and oils, etc. I about died. I'm finally dating a guy who is open enough to not only talk about those things with me, but go out and explore them on his own. I was insanely shocked. He wants to go back with me to check stuff out. I really could faint right now with happiness.

But to bring it back to reality, I'm still not 100% sure that this is going to be a marriage-type relationship, but man oh man, was I wrong about it not being long term. I don't plan on bowing out anytime soon.

break up with your ex day!

In my travels around the internet, I recently stumbled upon YourTango's First Annual Break Up With Your Ex Day. The basic gist is that by February 13th, you should let go of all of that ex baggage and detach by removing them from Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Flickr, whatever it is that's keeping you thinking about them. When I saw this at first, I instantly dismissed it because the fact is, I'm super nosy and I like keeping tabs on what people I used to screw are currently doing. However, I wonder if all that snooping and profile checking is really helping anyone. When I look at all of my exes online, I'm filled with one of three feelings:

1. Jealousy about something they've posted or done
2. Anger because I recall what colossal fuck-ups they were and how they mistreated me
3. Smugness at how much more awesome my life/current significant other/friends are than theirs

NONE of these are healthy emotions at all and I don't know why I continue to indulge in them. 

The other thing about me is that I hate letting people go - I suck at it. I just figure, if you let someone into your life and you care about them, you should always try to hold on to that piece of them that you were attached to. However, I don't know if that's how I should live my life. I really do believe that people enter your life for a reason, but they also sometimes have to exit your life for a reason. Looking at my past relationships, the vast majority of them were unhealthy. I always choose guys who think they can just stomp all over me and treat me poorly. I'm not going to say that every man I've ever dated is awful, but the fact is they didn't give me the treatment I deserved. None of them. Not a one. Some of them were nice guys with some really amazing qualities, but at the end of the day, I felt jerked around by all of them.

One thing I'm really looking forward to is just letting everything go. I realized after The Intellectual re-friended me on Facebook that I really wasn't missing anything by not having him in my life. What do I get out of these relationships? Nothing. Polite small-talk? I'll pass, thank you very much. I'm a huge believer that you can't move on until you've gotten over whatever it was that scarred or hurt you in the past. I have to cut ties with these men because these relationships were unhealthy, fucked me up a great deal, and made me feel horrible about myself. And you all know what relationship I need to let go of the most. Because every email or IM message I get from TG hurts me in my soul. It does. It reminds me of how weak I am - how despite my tough exterior, I let a man worm his way into my life and my heart and then promptly proceed to treat me as though I didn't matter. I know that I made mistakes there and I know that I was not my best self in that relationship, but I don't think I deserved the treatment I got. I think I'm better than that. So I just need to squash it. Now. Clean break so I can free up that space in my head to move on to other things - like being the best friend, girlfriend, event planner, and woman I can be.

Wish me luck.

settling.

I was going to post about something completely different, but I just read something that made me change my mind. I can't remember if I mentioned this, but a while back I got chosen to be a part of the revamp of Our Bodies Ourselves, a book about women's health and sexuality. WEll, the chapter that my words will be in is done and we got a sneak peak of it! We answered a *ton* of questions about our sexual experiences, desires, and insecurities and they picked out a few vignettes to share. I was incredibly struck by one of the three they chose from me - about what I want when it comes to love.

"I want to meet a man that I can fall in love with -- fully and completely. But not because I think he 'completes' me. A man who challenges me to push my boundaries, who nurtures my ambition. A man who has ambition that I can nurture. Someone who will indulge my moods and not be all up in my business 24/7. Someone who understands that I'm already whole and that he's there to nurture that wholeness, to help me grow without welding himself to my side."

I'm not sure I've found that yet and I still so desperately want it. My feelings on love and marriage and relationships have changed so much in the past couple of years - a roller coaster of craziness, but I know that at the end of the day I do want love, marriage, and a family. I just don't want to lose myself within that world. I don't want to grow old and boring and out of touch and consumed by a relationship. I want to do everything I do now, be the person I am now, indulge in the vices I indulge in now, but with a partner who could share some of that with me, but also allow me to be free.

Sometimes I'm tempted to settle. I think that's been the theme of most of my relationship mistakes thus far - settling. Because I know I'm asking a lot from my future soul mate, but at the same time I think I'm totally worth it. I know I'm always talking about how horrible of a person I am and all of my flaws, but deep down I know I'm a good person. I know I'm a *fun* person - likable and all of that. So where these deep-seated feelings of inadequacy come from are beyond me. I always think everyone hates me and that I have no friends. When it comes to love, I'm just terrified that no one will ever want me. I guess I settle sometimes and put up with bullshit because I'm afraid that one day I'll be alone. All the media frenzy about black women dying single and never finding love doesn't exactly help. Sometimes as a black woman I feel incredibly undesirable and ugly. Which I know in my heart is untrue, but sometimes it's easy to feel that way when you don't fit into the mold of womanhood that society says is beautiful. I know I need to rise above it and just trust in God and the Universe that what I want I can get. I've just never been very patient and deep down I don't trust that anyone can ever really love me because I don't know if anyone will ever really see me for the person that I am. That instead they'll love this caricature of a woman that I put out there because it's easier than dealing with the reality of who I really am.

Well, I certainly didn't set out to depress myself when I started writing this... that was not the purpose. Oh well, back to reality television and exercise! Happy weekend, ya'll!

look at me! look at me! i'm working out!

You all should be extremely proud of me. Fitness February is in full effect and I'm putting in work at the gym like whoa. Granted, we're only four days in, but I've worked out three days in a row and I'm hoping to put in a quick half-hour after work today. I'm really tired of feeling disgust with my body and really just want to start working out and feeling better about myself. I've never really wanted to be thin, but I just feel super unhealthy. So if I can keep my T&A, but lose some weight around my thighs and stomach, I'd be amazingly happy. I also know that my body responds really quickly and positively to intense working out, so I'm going to give it what it needs.

Although, all this work and fitness has left precious little time for blogging and I have a ton of things I want to catch you all up on. First of all, a relationship update is absolutely necessary, especially since I'm at a crossroads with my boyfriend right now. Secondly, I've been thinking about exes and how to let go. YourTango is holding a Break Up With Your Ex Day and I think it's about time that I purged all of the negative feelings and emotions that have followed me around with ALL of my exes. I'm thinking about a little internet ex bonfire of sorts, which could be interesting. So yeah, I've got plenty of posts in the queue for this weekend!

Let me clear my throat, because I think I swallowed a goldfish... survey time!

The Tsaritsa Sez tapped me to complete this survey (and gave me the title for it, which has nothing to do with what I plan on writing) and I'm excited to take it! I love surveys and find they're a great way to add some variety to a blog. Also, you should check out her blog because she's awesome and I love her style! I'm not going to tap anyone by name, but I encourage my readers to take the survey on their own blogs! Okay, here goes!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?
This is probably going to make people hate me, but I'm going to go with merely animals. DONTKILLME - I have a caveat. I've never owned a pet that belonged solely to me, so I've never really felt that deep connection. Our family pets just never connected with me. My parents currently have a cat, Gabi, who is a certified bitch. She hates everyone but my mother, so it's hard for me to consider her a member of the family. I love her, but she doesn't love me, so I'm trying not to indulge the abusive relationship. Hopefully, I will one day have a cat that loves me and that I love and then phe will be a member of my family. But it hasn't happened yet.

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
I'm torn on this one - I want money, but I also want a career and love. I guess my dream would be to have it all - a full, complete, balanced life.

3. What is the one thing most hated by you?
Intolerance. I hate intolerant people more than anything else in this world. I just don't understand how people can judge others so harshly on things like race or sexual orientation. People are different and we should embrace those differences and not run away from that. I've always been so fascinated by different cultures that I cannot imagine how anyone could not share that curiosity and respect for others.


4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
I would save most of it and then use the rest to pay off my college debt, get my parents out of debt, buy a swinging bachelorette pad in both SF and NYC, and set aside some cash for when I'm ready to start my own company. Oh, and I would buy a boat! I'm on a boat, motherfucker, don't you ever forget!


5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
Music. Usually Broadway show tunes, but I'm also partial to dance songs by Miley, Justin, and Gaga. Whenever I'm really upset, I like to go home to my apartment, put on a pair of booty shorts, pour a glass of whatever alcohol is handy, and dance like a spastic stripper. You should try it sometime =)


6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

For me, it would be loving someone. I sometimes fear that I am incapable of romantic love and I think that the greatest achievement of my life will be loving a man the same way I love my friends and myself. I think that's my challenge for this lifetime - to find that feeling. I honestly think I'll only ever love one man and that's how I'll know when I'm ready to stop looking.

7. What is your bedtime routine?
This depends on how intoxicated I am - haha. If I'm super drunk, usually it involves passing out face first on my bed, fully clothed with the lights on. If I'm semi-drunk or sober, then it involves twisting my hair and wrapping it in a silk scarf, washing my face and brushing my teeth, using the bathroom, turning on Criminal Minds and putting a sleep timer on my television. If I'm up for it, a quick self-induced orgasm. 


8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
I met my boyfriend online. We kind of just clicked over our shared love of Dave Chappelle and dirty humor. Went on a few dates. Finally had sex. Decided we didn't want to see other people and here we are.


9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
I would watch a writer for a day. I'm always curious about how people get their writing ideas and what their rituals are. I've always secretly wished I was a real writer and I'd love to see that process.

10. What kinds of books do you read?
My taste has varied over time. When I was younger, lots of historical fiction, fantasy series (Wheel of Time and Game of Thrones were my faves), and classic fiction. Now, I basically read a lot of books on feminism and gender theory, still keeping up with historical fiction, and biographies. I'm especially partial to anything about prostitution or famous female sex symbols.


12. What’s your fear?
I fear that I'll never be content. That I'll always be searching for something and I'll never find it.


13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
Hell no - I don't have any kind of space fetish. I like junk food and it would take a lot more than that to get me to give it up.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
Not going to lie - single and rich for sure. As long as I can still have sex, I'm down. Also, I'd like to say that just because you're not married doesn't mean that you can't have meaningful relationships. 


15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
I hate admitting to this, but checking my email (personal and work), twitter feed, and blog comments. I'm a tech junkie and I sleep with my computer when I'm not sleeping with my boyfriend. Though, I have made him move over so I could fit my laptop in there with us - haha.

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?
I wish he was more outgoing.


17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
Layla or Delilah or Zoe. My children will have at least one of these names.


18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
I mean, the little things I could get over, but something super horrible - I don't think I could. I'm a grudge holder.


19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
Hmm, I'm trying to be practical about this, which is rough for me. Parmesan crusted steak on top of a bed of greens. Yeah, protein and greens. I like it. Oh so practical ;-)