are you there, lover? it's me cleo...

I am starting to fear that I will never be in a relationship again. Luckily, this isn't making me feel regretful about breaking up with the Blexican, but it is making me feel frustrated and annoyed and potentially wanting to be a little bit slutty. Unfortunately, I'm super ugly this month and don't think that sluttiness will be possible unless I lower my standards a great deal (and even then, I'm not so sure, lol). Boo. I'm working on it, though... maybe in May?

I'm happy, though. Shockingly. I think I've finally found the place I'm supposed to be and even though everything is far from settled, it feels like home. I am in love with the Bay Area. I find it beautiful and captivating and it makes me feel so alive. I have no desire to go back to New York City for any long stretch of time (although, I do miss my awesome friends, real bagels/pizza, warm summer nights, and fellow Yankees fans). I'm in it for the long haul, though! 

Yet, I'm still mystified by this thing called love and the idea of a relationship. It's like the final piece of the puzzle that is my existence. I have pretty much achieved some modicum of happiness in every other aspect of my being. I'm trying to have faith in the Universe that I will someday discover this love thing that you humans speak of and it will change my life. Then I have days where I wonder if a man with all his teeth and common sense anyone will ever look at me with lust/love again and I feel discouraged. I have absolutely no desire to meet anyone online, so I know it's going to be rough and I'm probably going to hate myself as I wander through a lot of lonely evenings.

The whole relationship thing is just royally fucked for me - in all directions. I don't feel capable of loving OR being loved. Like with the Blexican, I honestly have to sit back and think he must've been out of his damn mind for being "in love" with me. Yeah, I give good head and will try anything once, but so do most hookers. I say inappropriate things (see previous sentence), have the strangest tastes, and I'm a sarcastic bitch. Add conventional standards of beauty into the mix and the fact that I live in the land of no dark people and I'm starting to think I'm going to die alone, clutching the only man I've ever really loved - Jack Daniels. 

I guess what it really boils down to is that I'm tired of waiting. Seriously - I'm sick and tired of waiting for this man who's supposed to come and sweep me off my feet and make me feel like rainbows and unicorns and sunshine. Where the fuck are you? Because I am tired of waiting. I'm tired of getting older and watching the world get older and wondering when I'm going to get to feel those feelings that everyone else seems to have no trouble with. By the time you get here, I will be jaded and spiteful and (more) impossible to deal with, so why don't you just hurry the hell up and get here already so we can get married, buy a house, have babies, and die? 

Note: Before anyone presents the argument that I should be a complete person and find love within myself so that I am ready for it when it comes - I have this to say. I am so much of a fucking complete person that it has driven many men away. Independent isn't my middle name - it's my only name. I am as much of a complete person as you can be. I do all those things they say you're supposed to do - I go to the movies alone, I live alone, I've even gone to bars alone. I'm not looking for someone to complete me or support me. I'm just looking for someone who's willing to help carry the burden sometimes. I promise to do the same in return.

insecurity.

Now that I've decided to spend the next couple of weeks (months, years?) focusing on my own  self-improvement, I've been trying to determine what I should focus on. Of course, I really just want to work on everything because that's the kind of person I am. I just assume if I set HUGE goals, then maybe I'll be able to hit a bunch of small ones.

My job is one area where I'm feeling a little panicked. Let me preface by saying that I love my new job. I think the work is interesting and I get a lot of enjoyment around it. However, my paralyzing self-doubt and the somewhat unique work environment are a little less pleasing. I just sometimes wonder if I'll ever be good at this and if I'll ever fit in with the team. I'm planning my first event and there is just so much that I don't know. I ask a lot of questions (most of which I'm assuming are pretty damn stupid) and I freak out over every little detail. I've spent the past 2 weeks panicking about what pen to give out! I know all of this stuff sounds trivial, but it's the reality of my new life. I just wonder if I have good taste. Do I have an eye for this business, will I make good choices and wow my team? I feel like this event is my chance to really impress people and I just don't know if I have it in me. I'm afraid that I'll ask too many questions and need to be guided so much that they'll never give me anything to do on my own again.

Luckily, this year is pretty much mapped out. I know what events I'm working on and have a sense of my schedule for the next 9 months, but I'm always looking ahead and hoping that next year I'll get more chances to flex my creative muscle. Problem is, I just don't feel very creative. I've always been so much less sure of myself when it comes to creativity. I know, deep down, that I have it - I love writing and I have a vivid imagination, but I always feel like it's amateur hour. I need to find a way to get over that. To trust my instincts more. I know that switching industries is a big fucking deal and that it will take some time for me to learn things. I just want to feel educated now.

To make matters worse, the work environment here is so much different than my old team. There are more cliques, less openness and I still feel as though I don't really have many connections (with the exception of L, who is awesome). I just want to feel connected to people, to feel like I have friends. Instead of being the reject new girl. Having a social outlet at work is something that's important to me and if I can't find it on my team, I guess I'll have to look outside to find it. It really makes me miss my old HR friends even more.

Here's hoping that by 2012 I feel like a real event planner instead of a sham.

all's well that ends well.

The Blexican came over last night and it was surprisingly okay. No sex (period and cramps and that 'too soon' feeling kept me from wanting to go there), but we did spend a lot of time talking, which was good. As I mentioned before, I feel like we don't really know each other, even after 6 months of dating. He said he had so many questions he wanted to ask me - about my past history and my view on relationships. So we did that - I ran through my whole life's history, beginning with blond-haired Michael (my kindergarten crush) all the way to TG. He told me a bit more about his own relationship history and we really got to know each other's pasts. It was valuable information and I'm sad that we didn't do it sooner.

We discussed what we want in future relationships. Both of us are a little disillusioned by the whole online dating thing and want something more organic. He asked me if I thought we could still have a physical relationship. I told him I wasn't averse to it, but that I'm wary. I mean, I don't want us wasting our energy on each other when we could go out and look for love/sex in other places. I told him I thought we needed some kind of boundaries and I also pressed him to find out what he meant by a sexual relationship. Did he just want to come over, have sex, and leave? He said he didn't want it to be that way - like he was using me for sex. He still wants to hang out and do things, but if the night ends in sex, then it ends in sex. I don't know. I'm still mulling it over in my head. I didn't want to do anything last night, so he just gave me a foot rub and then left after we talked for a few hours.

In some strange way, I'm happy about how things turned out. I'm glad that I'm not completely losing him, because I do miss having him around and now that we can talk about anything, it's led to some pretty interesting discussions. Also, because he acted so immaturely, I can now see that he's not some perfect guy and I'm less sad about our breakup and more comfortable with it. I still don't know whether I'll want to continue hooking up, but I'm not going to lie, it's a little nice to know that if I get super lonely, there's someone there to take care of it.

because nothing is ever easy...

I was hoping I'd be able to break up with the Blexican and have everything be A-okay. For some reason, though, the Universe loves to make my interactions with men needlessly complicated. Let me break it down.

Tuesday night, I broke up with the Blexican in the living room of my apartment. I was actually really impressed by how smoothly everything went down. He came over, hung his coat up, looked at me and said, "So you finally got tired of me, huh?" I giggled a little and told him it wasn't like that. That I just felt like the relationship wasn't going anywhere and my feelings weren't the same as his and it would be unfair to continue. He said he understood and asked me what it was that was keeping me from being in love. I didn't want to get into it, and to be honest, I don't know if I can pinpoint any one factor, so I told him I just didn't feel it. We thanked each other for the 6 months of time we spent together. He asked if I wanted him to take his Christmas gift back and I said no. I asked him if he wanted anything of mine and then I gave him some of these pens I have that he really likes. We laughed about stuff (like how I told him I was scared that he was going to literally kill me when I broke it off) and it was generally pretty smooth. We had a real conversation about relationships and our past and why this wouldn't work.

After he left, I bawled for about a half-hour until I was able to talk to College BFF on the phone. I just hated the thought of losing all that goodness and kindness in my life. I mean, everything about the relationship made him seem like a class act, even the breakup. He told me he would always be there for me and while he couldn't be friends in the sense that we'd still hang out all the time, he would help me move or change my lightbulb or give me a ride outside of the city if I needed it. He said he figured that this relationship was his karma for not being in love with his ex, who was head over heels for him. He told me he would probably cry when he got home, but that everything was going to be okay.

So I'm thinking everything is copacetic, until I see his Facebook posts. He has the standard 'no longer in a relationship' post and the whole sad face thing. That's normal. I get that. THEN, he posts some YouTube videos of himself. The first one is this ridiculous one of him parodying the Double Rainbow video. He's yelling and screaming and singing and I'm terrified. I mean, he was the quietest person I've ever met. I don't think I ever heard him yell or scream or anything. Not in an argument, not during sex (seriously, I had to bring up his quietness because it freaked me out) - never. He doesn't raise his voice, so I was a little terrified. But, whatever, artistic expression, right? He's an artist - they need to vent somehow, I get it.

But then came the email. The ridiculously inappropriate email he wrote to me that started out nice and rational and ended with the following gems. "Don't let these last six months of sex education go to waste. We can make each other feel good. If it starts to get weird, end it. Be my fuck buddy." Yeah, that's verbatim. I was floored. Literally slack-jawed, could barely breathe. I wanted to shriek. I just can't believe that this seemingly mild-mannered man I've spent the past 6 months with is now all of a sudden all "just fuck me, please. We don't need to be in a relationship. I just want to screw you." I think he's gone off the deep end. So he sends that around 4:45pm. I then get a series of emails being like "OMG what have I done," "I'm so sorry," "I'll never bother you again," "I'm an idiot" - all within two hours of the first email. I guess since I didn't respond right away, he had a panic attack.


Anyhow, I knew I needed to shut shit down, so after I got home (which is why I didn't respond to his email - I was OUT), I wrote him and told him to calm the fuck down and that it seems like he has some things on his mind that we need to hash out. So he's coming over in a few hours so we can exorcise the last of his demons. Seriously, this is too much for me. It's amusing, though, because for the two days when he was normal, I was so sad and melancholy and could barely sit alone in my apartment without wanting to cry. Now that he's acting like the typical douchebags I date, I'm much more zen about the whole fucking thing. Clearly, I handle dysfunction so much better than normalcy.


Wish me luck tonight!

break-up, part 2.

It's taken me a while to write this - I'm not really sure why, but I'm kind of tipsy from drinking wine, so I think I'm ready for part 2. I decided to break up with the Blexican after I got back from Israel. I had been waffling and confused for a long time, but all of a sudden everything was crystal clear. Maybe it was the long plane ride and the time to think or maybe it was attending a wedding and being moved by true love, but once I got off that plane in SF, I just knew that it wasn't meant to be. I knew that I needed to end things before people got seriously hurt. When he picked me up from the airport, I just wasn't excited to see him. I was snappy and bitchy and mean and every little thing he did annoyed me. I thought it might have been jet lag, but even when we hung out on Sunday, it just wasn't the same. He wanted to come over for sex before the comedy show and I agreed because I felt bad. I think he asked to come over because he wanted to see if it was really ending. I just couldn't get excited about it. I went through the motions, but I wasn't into it, which is rare for me. We had fun at the show and I enjoyed talking to him on the ride home, but I knew I didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore.

So I emailed him and told him we needed to talk because I knew I just couldn't keep going on the way we were. I could tell that he felt me pulling away because he got needier and that was frustrating. The whole thing was just a big clusterfuck of awful. I knew that I wasn't in love and that I wouldn't be, but I feared the conflict and how everything would go down. I'm not good about talking about my feelings when it matters. I can do it here, safely behind my anonymity and cleverly constructed persona, but when I really hurt - the things that really matter - I can't do it.

After the break-up, I just felt so alone. I didn't feel like I could call anyone or ask for help or assistance. I just felt so completely and totally by myself and I didn't feel comfortable reaching out to anyone. There are so few people I feel comfortable being really and truly vulnerable with because at the end of the day I just assume everyone has their own shit that they care about and I don't want to be a burden. I still don't want to be a burden to anyone. Because I'm supposed to be strong and solitary. I'm supposed to be enough for me. Unfortunately, sometimes that isn't true. Luckily, College BFF sensed this and called me, which got me to stop my hysterical crying. Unfortunately, because the universe hates me, my cell phone network went down and I couldn't talk to anyone for the rest of the evening, but even those 20 minutes on the phone were enough to get me to stop crying. And she said the sweetest thing to me over IM:

me: so i'm doing it today

  i'm breaking up

  i'm scared

  will i die alone? with no friends

 College BFF: well

  you won't die alone

  i promise if anything ever happens to you

  i'll move near you

so you won't die alone

  

  and i will hire a male prostitute to pretend to be in love with you

 

Seriously love that girl. We will be friends til the day I die. That's the one good thing about this - all of my friends have been extra supportive. Girl Roomie from NYC called me tonight after she saw one of my tweets and it cheered me up. The LI crew has been holding it down, too. I feel loved - very much so. I may suck at the boy thing, but I am a rockstar at finding, ensnaring, and keeping good friends. I like to think it's one of my few talents. I always seem to make friends with the best people ever - people far better than I will ever be. Somehow that aspect of my life always works out.

Anyway, I'm sure you all want to know exactly how it went down, but I can't really write anymore tonight. More later.

break-up, part 1.

So... I broke up with the Blexican last night. I don't know if I'll have time to write about it or explain it today, so I figure my reasons are best summed up by one of my favorite Dido songs.

For the crown you've placed upon my head feels too heavy now
and I don't know what to say to you but I'll smile anyhow
and all the time I'm thinking, thinking

I want to be a hunter again
want to see the world alone again
to take a chance on life again
so let me go. 

melancholy.

I'm a little sad this week, for a variety of reasons that will become more apparent as the week goes on. It's crazy how life is a series of highs and lows, often without enough time for you to enjoy the good parts before you come crashing down. I've always been ruled by my moods. They are strong and overwhelming and they engulf me in a way that's indescribable. I can be volatile sometimes - upset and angry and lashing out. Other times, I'm joyously happy and I feel like my heart could burst from all the goodness in my life. Then there are times like now, when I'm a little sad and regretful and wondering why I feel the way I do.

Israel was a great trip for me. It brought a lot of things into perspective and made me think a lot about my life and the choices I've made and the person I want to become. The funny thing was, I barely spent any time really thinking about anything in the moment (which is unlike me). Everything just seemed to become crystal clear by the end of the trip and all of a sudden I knew that I needed to start really thinking about what makes me happy instead of settling for what's easy and available.

I fall into things. I always do. It's a bad habit of mine that doesn't seem to be going away. I have a pattern. I let myself drift, carried by the current of my surroundings, without questioning or caring. And then one day, I stop and look around and wonder when I got so off-course and ended up so far downstream. Then, I do something radical and spontaneous and I actively work on being happy until I lose focus or realize I don't have enough time and then I let myself get carried away again. I don't know if it's bad or not, it just is the way it's always been for me.

The point is - I think I'm entering another period of radical and spontaneous change, which scares me. I feel the most alone during those times. I always feel alone, really. It's something I can never quite shake even though I have a lot of friends and I try to keep up with everyone and there are people that care about me. I know that. It's still hard for me to really believe it, though, and so I wallow in that feeling for a little bit until I can find something or someone to numb that pain. One day I hope to choose the right person for that task. Someone lasting. Until then, I guess it's just me.

i'm back!

Israel was amazing! Seriously amazing. I'm really blessed and grateful that I had the opportunity to go out there and not only see one of my friends get married, but also to learn more about a different religion and culture. Sadly, I haven't had time to locate my camera cord, but I promise I'll post pictures later.

The trip was pretty awesome, barring the long flight to get there. I seriously miss New York when it comes to European travel, but I enjoyed the experience of flying internationally. Free alcohol was a plus, although I will never again eat the airplane food since it totally upset my stomach on the way back. I loved being called "madam" in the Heathrow airport AND I got to meet the amazing cool Ella whose life I've followed via our individual blogs for over four years! Insane!

I want to write so much about the trip, but I have no idea where to begin. For me, the theme of the whole journey was family and belonging. It's quite odd, but I felt incredibly at home during my stay in Israel despite not being part of the religious or ethnic groups I met there. Everyone was just so friendly and accommodating and open. I haven't met people that nice in a long time. It felt really good to learn so much about the culture and yet not feel like an outsider at all. Everyone was always so patient and willing to explain all of the little cultural nuances! I couldn't believe how kind they were. It really gave me hope that everything will be okay and that you can truly change your life in a meaningful way and find people who will be there to support you. I feel lucky to have been able to share in my friend's happiness and learn more about her world.

Also, I saw more kitties in Israel than I've seen in my whole life in the States. You all know how I feel about cats. I was overjoyed! Haha... but on a serious note, I'll post more about my feelings, reflections, and pictures later in the week. I feel like the awesomeness is too much to restrict to one post.

Happy Sunday!

airport posts!

I kind of love hanging around the airport. No idea why. My flight got in a bit late, so I decided not to take the risk of leaving the airport to venture out into the great London unknown (especially since I have 14 hours to do so on my trip back), so I've been chilling in Heathrow. My flight is in about an hour and a half, so I should get going, but I wanted to blog first before I hop on the plane.

I had an amazing therapy session on Thursday and it really made me view my relationship in a new way. The basic gist is that I flip flop about my relationship ALL THE TIME. I just never know whether I want to be in it or out of it. My boyfriend is in love with me and I'm just confused. It's a hard situation to be in, for both of us. He doesn't pressure me to say those words at all, but I still feel like there's some timer about to go off. I'm not going to get too deep into it now because I have limited time, but one of the things my therapist helped me to see is that I don't really know my boyfriend.

Yes, I know that he is the sweetest thing on two legs - he does my dishes, cleans my fridge, takes care of household chores I'm too busy or uncoordinated to do, and does them without me asking. But, I don't know who he is - where he comes from or where he's going - and those two things are *super* important to me. The number one thing I want in a man is ambition. Not money, not looks, not great sex - ambition. Sense of humor is a close second. I want someone who has a clear vision of who they want to be and I realized that I don't know who my boyfriend wants to be. Not because of any fault of his, but because I simply have never asked. I need to rectify that. I want to know where he sees his life going, what he wants to do. I got a little glimpse the other night when he showed me a rough sketch of his short video. I'm not sure if I'm just too selfish/chatty and don't give him a chance to talk or if he needs to wait longer to tell me about these things, but it hasn't happened yet.

I also want to know about his family - how he grew up, the progression of his life. My history is so powerful to understanding who I am that it's hard for me to really think I know him if I don't have that important piece of the puzzle.

I guess I'm starting to realize that the Blexican and I have different comfort zones. I am more than happy to pour out my ambitions and my family history to him, but the emotional stuff is harder. For him, he tells me he loves me and always lets me know how much he cares for me, but cannot share as much of himself. I'm trying to find a way to meet in the middle.

and i'm off!

I'm leaving today for Israel!!! Super excited, but also crazy stressed because I have a bunch of shit to get done before I leave. I'm excited, though. Outside of Canada, this is the first trip I'm taking out of the US since I was 5 years old. I'm also looking forward to stopovers in London, where hopefully I'll be able to get together with friends from college and a blog friend! It will be super excited to meet someone whose blog I read. Cannot wait!

Things have been very hectic here lately. Getting ready for this trip, plus my first time being onsite at an event, meant this week was a race to the finish. I hope I'm up for this new lifestyle. I think I am, but I'm not 100% sure. I need to make sure I get lots of sleep and take care of my body. Which probably means I need to stop drinking quite so much. That saddens me.

Anyway, when I get back, I plan on renewing my dedication to blogging and going for at least 5 posts per week. I really do want to open up more about my relationship, the crazy amount of flip-flopping I do about it on a daily basis, and my plans for the next five year (although we all know the best laid plans of mice and men...). It's a really exciting time for me right now, both personally and professionally, and I want to make the most of it. I'm trying to juggle a million things at once while not going crazy, but that's kind of how I like it. I never want to be bored or boring, so I like to keep active.

I should probably *not* be blogging right now, as I have some shit to get done for work, but just wanted to pop in and say hey before I head off to the Holy Land!

Will post pictures while I'm there!

handwriting meme!

I love being tagged for these things! The lovely Pink Hibiscus over at Daiquiris and Denial (it always takes me ten years to spell daiquiris) tagged me, so here goes!


To complete the handwriting meme, you need a pen(cil) and a piece of paper and you have to answer the following questions. I'm doing everything except tagging. I always feel weird tagging people! But any of my readers, feel free to do this on your blogs and let me know! I love looking at people's handwriting!

1. What's your name/blog name?

2. What's your blog's URL?

3. Write "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog".

4. What is your favourite quote?

5. What is your favourite song?

6. What is/are your favourite band/singers?

7. Anything else you want to say?

8. Tag 3 bloggers to participate.

seriously stressed out.

Yesterday was not a good day at all. I'm just so tired lately and I feel like I don't have all of the strength I need to get all of my shit done. Between the new job, keeping up with the boyfriend, my friends, and all of my side interests (blogging, reading, tech, feminism, drinking...) I just feel completely overwhelmed. So I did what I usually do - I slept all day and then woke up feeling slightly crappy. I canceled all of my plans and sat around feeling like shit. I kind of just wanted to cry because I feel all of this enormous pressure. Pressure to perform at work, pressure to figure out if I want to be in my relationship, pressure to create a more solid life here.

Sometimes I think I try too hard. That I want too much. I just refuse to believe in any boundaries. I honestly feel in my heart that I can have everything I've ever wanted and that nothing is out of reach. Maybe that's silly, but that's how I see the world. I refuse to settle or stop trying to be happy. And so I end up with nights like last night, where I feel slightly alone and a little bit lost. I like to think it's all worth it. It has been thus far. I'm at a pretty solid place now, despite my perfectionism. From the outside looking in, everything is amazing. I think I just have a predisposition towards unhappiness. I've started to tap into the more creative parts of my personality and I think some of that brings out my troubled-ness. I definitely have a dark side - a propensity towards alcohol and drugs and things that make me feel better in the moment or things that I feel get my creative juices flowing. I make self-destructive decisions sometimes and I'm moody. It's been a while since I've really had an episode, so I guess now is as good a time as any.

So I canceled my plans today and I'm just trying to get my shit in order. Cleaning, working, organizing, planning. These are things that make me feel better when my center of gravity is off. Hopefully tomorrow, all will be well again and I'll have a game plan, a constructive way to figure out everything that's weighing on my mind. I hate being like this, but sometimes putting myself on hermit status is the only way to feel better.

lost.

I've been sort of bummed lately. In general, life is okay, but I think I'm finally seeing the effects of all the change I've enacted over the past couple of months. The honeymoon period is over. Now, I'm left trying to figure out where to go from here.

What I think I've been missing most (and what makes me cry like a fucking baby every time I watch an episode of Greek on ABCFam *don't hate*) is that I miss having a sense of community. I hate that in the real world, it's so hard to find groups of like-minded people who want to do what you want to do. I think that's the thing I've been searching for ever since graduation. I've always been a joiner. It's who I am. When I'm lonely or bored or depressed, I join a group and it makes me feel better. In high school, I had the band, the Asian Club (yes, I know I'm not Asian but like 85% of my friends are), Mock Trial, Pit Band, and a ton of other groups. It wasn't really until college, though, that I discovered my love of group activities and bonding. Mock Trial and my sorority owned my life at school and I loved it. People knock sorority girls all the time and there are so many negative stereotypes about us, but the fact is - I love my sisters and the sorority truly changed my college experience. To belong to a group of girls that were willing to stand by each other even when we wanted to wring each others' necks was amazing for me. Don't get me wrong - there was drama and fighting and cattiness, but at the end of the day you knew that if shit went down for one of the girls, we'd all be there. It didn't matter if she was Susie Sunshine or Miss Bitch. We were sisters and that was it. Mock trial was like a surrogate family for me. I love those kids. We partied together, we traveled together, we competed together... and sometimes we slept together (I refuse to regret that!), but we just really got to know each other and form this tight-knit little group.

Now I've graduated and I don't really feel like I have anything to belong to and it makes me sad. Now I just feel like an ex-sorority girl, hoping for something to plan or some party to attend to make me feel whole again. I miss the camaraderie of having a group of friends that are so interwoven into your life that being with them is like breathing. With most of my friends flung all over the country, it's hard to feel connected. I love my SF friends, but we're all adults now and things change. We have demanding jobs, busy schedules, and not as much free time. We have to schedule time with each other and the spontaneous get-togethers are few and far between. As people couple off, it makes it even harder to stay connected. I break my neck all the time making sure I still keep my friends in my life, while also balancing my job, my relationship, and my alone time. But what I really miss the most is a real sense of community - a group of girl (and guy) friends united for some common purpose, who also love, respect and take care of each other. I guess I just have to go about finding that, but it isn't easy.

IUD Magic!

For the past three years, I've been telling myself that I was going to get an IUD. Due to the whole 'birth control gives me blood clots' thing, I can't use any form of hormonal birth control. Not a one. Do you have any idea how shitty that is?! The pill, the patch, the NuvaRing, Implanon, and the shot are all out of the question. Basically, the only things open to me are condoms, diaphragms, sponges, and the almighty copper IUD. Because I don't feel safe relying on just a condom (although, that's what I've been doing for the past 3 years - eek!), I decided that the ParaGard IUD was the one for me. I can't even begin to express how paranoid I am about pregnancy when I'm just relying on condoms.

So why did I wait three years? Basically, it was a combination of fear and laziness. I figured that I wasn't sexually active enough to really warrant getting the procedure done. That was stupid. All it takes is one sexual encounter to change your life for the worse. I'm not exactly Miss Manners when it comes to sex, so I should've done this sooner. I believe that sex only comes around so often, so why not indulge when given the chance. I also don't believe that you have to love someone to bone them. Some of the best sex I've ever had has been with guys I couldn't care less about. Then, there was the fear factor. I've heard so many horror stories about IUD insertions that I just couldn't bring myself to sign up for something that was going to be painful and that could cause me to have heavier, crampier periods.

However, the whole boyfriend thing has made me more conscious of my sexual health and the hypocrisy I've been practicing by not getting this done. I will say this, though. I feel like I made this decision completely on my own and without consulting any partners. When I started on the pill, I did it because TG didn't want to use condoms and I wanted to accommodate that request. This round, I waited until I was ready, went and got it done, and I only told The Blexican about it after it was finished. It feels so much more my own choice.

The verdict - I feel like a dummy for waiting so long! I know that some people have a shit time of it, but the insertion was actually surprisingly anti-climactic for me. I popped some Oxycodone beforehand (I'm sure Extra Strength Tylenol would have been fine) and headed over the OB/GYN. She explained the procedure to me and asked if I wanted any anesthetic. I will never turn down drugs, so I said yes. Then, the nurse proceeded to bring out the biggest needle I've ever seen in my life. She told me not to look, but of course I saw it already. My heart nearly leapt in my throat! I mean, there are only a few acceptable things I let inside or near my vajayjay and a needle is not one of them. I'd already agreed, though, so I just relaxed, put my feet in the stirrups and prayed to Jesus. It felt like a little pinch! Nothing bad at all! I can't remember what order things happened in, but basically, she cleaned my cervix with swabs, held it with something that pinched and felt like pressure. Then she actually put the IUD in. I felt some cramping, but it was pretty light, and a little bit of pressure. Then it was over. I got to the OBGYN at 3:05PM and I was out by 3:50PM. Factor in the time spent checking in, filling out forms, and getting information and it probably took about 20 minutes for the actual procedure. It was quick, painless, and easy, and now I'm protected for TEN YEARS! Ten fucking years! Can you believe that?! Shit is wild.

So yes, I would highly recommend this method, so far. I'll write back if I have any dramz with it (it's only been a day), but so far I am loving it. It feels good to have a backup method of birth control and so far no pain or anything!