new york state of mind.

Wee! I'm in New York - the motherland! I'm loving it so far, even though I really do miss San Francisco a lot. I think that's how I know that I'm really settled there - I felt sad leaving, even just for two weeks. That being said, I'm so happy to see my family and hang out with my friends. I spent most of the weekend doing family stuff for my brother's graduation. I've been working out of the New York office this week, bothering my old team and laughing at their craziness. Spent last night hanging out with the work girls and then drinks with Girl Roomie! Yay! One drink turned into multiple drinks, but I had so much fun. I just want her to move to SF already! Tonight, I'm going to the Frying Pan with Jammerz and some of his friends (eek! new people - hold me, I'm scared)! Tomorrow is Long Island dinner and then Thursday I may do happy hour with my new team. There's so much to do when I visit New York - too many people to see!

It really feels surreal to be back here. I guess I haven't really visited since I moved. I mean, I came back for Thanksgiving and Christmas and all, but that was mostly Long Island time. Also, there's something that's so different for me with New York in the summer. It's one of my favorite times to be here. I just remember what it was like to grow up here and spend my summers roaming the beach or hanging out late at night, with the warm air everywhere. When I got older, it was rooftop bars and late nights out with my friends, drinking and having a good time. Pure magic. So when I'm here, I just get swept up in all of the nostalgia. I'm reminded of my favorite memories of growing up here. Being a kid and going to the beach with my family. Being a teenager and having High School BFF drive us around in his convertible, hanging out at various spot on the Island. The summer after I graduated from college, when I lived at Jammerz' apartment - staying over weekends and getting hammered all around the city. New York has been one of the most important places in my life and sometimes I wish that I still wanted to live here. Ultimately, though, New York will always be a part of me and I'll never completely leave it - my friends and family are here and I have plenty of excuses to come back. I'm from New York, but I don't think I'll ever go back. The memories will have to be enough.

so many emotions.

I've got wayyy too much going on up here in my brain so this is going to be messy. It's just been way too much to process. First of all, there's the whole Blexican thing, which took me on a roller coaster of emotions. I've also been thinking about new guys and the online dating scene, my feelings about being back on Long Island for two weeks, and I just realized I never wrote about my event. I've really been slacking lately - mostly due to jet lag, combined with extreme sleep deprivation and too much alcohol.

Anyway, I'm only going to spend so much time on The Blexican because it is so over. On to the next. I even defriended him on Facebook. Way harsh? I don't know - I just don't want to see all of his status updates and since he's definitely the type to throw up a million photos of a girl he's dating (there are a ton of me on his profile), I figured it was a good pre-emptive strike. I think I scared the shit out of my BFF because I sent her this horrible 'woe is me - I hate everything and only you know what I'm going through' email. She then called me (it was like 2am her time) because she was panicked about my mental well-being. And that is why she's my best friend. I talked it out with her today. It's not that I want him (I don't). It's that I want all those things he gave me and now I can't even get them in a minor capacity. I want someone to be super sweet to me and tell me I'm beautiful and just love me unconditionally for the crazy, effed up psychopath that I am. I'm moving on, though. More on that when I actually have something substantial to say. He is now dead and gone to me - headed to the metaphorical graveyard of exes that I keep in my mind.

Let's talk about work. OMG, I have never been so happy at work before. I'm finally fitting in socially (thank GOD - I was having awkwardness with one of my co-workers and then we just got shitfaced one weekend and problem solved!) and there are lots of fun new people to get to know. My event was last week and I rocked it. Seriously, my boss sent me this amazing email about how proud she was of me and how glad she is that I made the switch to events. SO AM I. I learned that I'm pretty tough, have no problems telling people no, and I have a really razor-sharp memory for names and faces and details that should serve me well in the future. Slowly, but surely, I am moving on the right track.

Life is pretty good.

i really just don't want to pack.

Today has been quite an interesting day. I woke up crazy late, hung out with M (my friend visiting from Utah), went to work, was grouchy, walked around a bit with some coworkers and felt better, did work, happy houred it up with teammates, then went to a private box at the Giants game, then found out that The Blexican is dating someone, and now I'm home.

It's weird. I'm really happy right now, with life in SF and everything. I've been making lots of new friends and I feel like I'm finally fitting in with my work peeps and enjoying my job. One of my favorite people on earth is moving to SF soon (and living like 3.5 blocks away from me), I'm being social and getting out and having these awesome experiences, and yet the whole Blexican thing just threw me for a loop.

I mean, I knew this would happen. I knew he would move on before I would - that's just always the way that things go. I'm never the one that moves on first, even when I'm not in love. I just get strangely comfortable with the men I date and even though I don't love them, don't want to marry them, and don't see a future, I still miss them greatly when they go away. Although, I guess I don't miss The Blexican. I think of all of the different things about him that I didn't like - from the mundane to the dealbreakers and I *know* in my heart that he was definitely not the one for me. Even though he was wonderful and great to me and a sweet man, he just wasn't for me and yet I'm upset about it. Probably because I'm starting to just hate being alone. It's so hard sometimes. I came home, cried a little, and then wrote an email to College BFF, one of the few people that I truly think understands me. Now I'm just sitting here dealing with it and thinking about all of the things that I need to do before New York tomorrow.

I just want to find someone and I hate that I've let this one aspect of my life completely derail my day and change the way I feel about myself. I hate that I want this so badly that it makes me hate my life, even though I know that I have a really good life and that this is just one aspect of it. I really don't even know what to say, except for - "damn, I'm probably not going to have sex for a really long time. That fucking sucks." And yes, I realize I'm using humor to deflect the extreme amount of pain I feel right now. That's just how I am. Never let them know how much you really hurt, right?

things are going shockingly smoothly...

... which is why I'm blogging at 10:20pm instead of furiously working. I actually feel like the event is going to be okay and that I'm going to live through it and it won't be so awful ::knocks on a huge piece of wood:: I'm even getting to enjoy my room at the W, with the beautiful view of the Bay Bridge and the city. God, I love San Francisco so much sometimes. I'm feeling like I'm in a really good place right now and things are going very well. I don't have everything I want, but I have most of it and I'm just happy to be here right now. I'm falling more and more in love with my job, my city, and my life by the day. I really love these big events and how awesome it is to watch them come together. I'm so glad I pursued this career - while frustrating at times, I really do love it and it's teaching me a lot. Now, here's hoping I can get 8 hours of sleep tonight!

i am always scrambling last minute!

Tomorrow kicks off my big event - the thing I've been working on for SIX MONTHS. I am so nervous and there is so much to do. My sorority sister ML is coming to visit on Thursday after the event is over so I have to clean. I'm also trying this new treatment on my hair and my bras are breaking so I have to go and buy new ones. I also stupidly make both brunch and evening drinks plans and need to go into my office to do some work. Why oh why do I procrastinate?

Anyway, I will basically be MIA for the next couple of days, working the event and praying that everything goes smoothly. This is my first big event, so I'm praying everything goes well and that I can impress my manager! After it's all over, I'll get to play in New York for two weeks. Cannot. Wait.

wow, i was not expecting last night to turn into a shitshow.

I'm currently immobilized in my bed due to the hangover of the century. I don't know what happened, but last night was out of control. On the one hand, I totally miss nights like that and on the other hand, I am too fucking old for this shit. Yesterday work was insanity - we had this massively huge fire drill, which meant I got none of my scheduled work done and instead had to figure everything out. After hours of chasing engineers, running around, and panicking, my co-worker and I decided to get drinks with another girl we work with. We took a car to her house, dropped off our shit, and then headed to Nick's Crispy Tacos (which is fucking amazing, btw). They have a happy hour - $3 drinks until 10pm on Fridays. I had a large quantity of whiskey drinks and then we decided to go to Bullitt, this bar that has whiskey on tap. That was the first mistake.

My second mistake was ordering Makers on the rocks and then pouring it down my throat in record time. Then, it turned out that one of our other coworkers was there with his friends for a guy's night out, so we started hanging out with them. Spent a lot of time talking to this one guy who lived in Israel for a little bit and seems like a genuinely interesting person - he's a lawyer, but it sounds like his job is a ton of fun and it was really nice to talk to him. I then proceeded to get blind drunk after he bought me a whiskey sour and then another shot of whiskey. To cap off the evening, I ordered a Long Island Iced Tea in homage to my homeland. Third mistake.

I don't even really remember getting home. My one co-worker was chatting it up with some guy, so my friend and I grabbed her keys to go get our stuff and then called a car to go home, but I cannot remember the ride back. I just remember feeling dizzy as we went over the hills of San Francisco and trying to will myself not to vomit. I kept thinking I would just puke in my purse if it came down to that, but thankfully I was able to make it home with all the contents of my stomach intact. After praying to the porcelain gods for some amount of time, I guess I got into bed. I woke up this morning feeling like death, fully clothed and barely able to move. Not my finest hour. Morning run to the store for fluids and then I made myself a ridiculously large amount of pasta af 9am Pacific Time.

I am a hot mess. I'm also going out tonight, but I don't know if I have it in me to even drink a drop of alcohol. God help me!

people at work are trying my nerves.

I will say one thing about the life of an event planner - people get on your last fucking nerve. I don't even think I can handle them anymore. I would be perfectly content to work on my own, in a little box, without having to rely on anyone for anything. I know that's not the nature of my job, but it's been hard getting used to it. Back in HR, I was the one responsible for my tasks. If something went wrong, it was usually my own ignorance and not because someone didn't reply to an email or understand how to do their job. Now, there are so many moving parts, that it's not enough for YOU to be competent - everyone has to be.

I got an email last night that set me on edge. I don't really have a temper. In general, I'm pretty mild-mannered in the sense that I don't fight with people or explode with anger. I tend to worry a lot, but I don't usually let people take me to the "bad place." Last night, that all ended. This stupid ass motherfucking admin (sorry for the language) sent me what I consider to be the rudest email I've ever received from a co-worker. I've received a ton of shitty emails from engineers in my last role, but none of them bothered me in this way because it was the first time someone has taken out their frustrations with policy on me as a messenger. I told homeboy that we couldn't invite this person to our conference unless we had SVP approval because registration is closed and we are so overbooked that we may have fire code violation issues. He went HAM on me - sent me this scathing email and then tried to play it off like - "oh, but I know you're just doing your job." Listen, you asswipe, if you know I'm doing my job then why did you spend 3 paragraphs raking me over the coals. Punk ass bitch. Oh my goodness, I was so mad.

I wanted to write some nasty words back, but instead I wrote something slightly snarky yet benign. I wanted to show him that it is NOT okay to write people messages like that - I don't care who you support or how bad your day was, don't you dare come at me with that foolishness. He should've known better and acted correctly. I think I was most bothered by the fact that he's an admin and knows that sometimes senior management makes these decisions and leaves them to us to enforce them. I don't give a flying fuck who attends the conference - I'm just doing my job and telling you what the SVP told me to say. Don't get it twisted. That, plus of course homeboy was black and I'm not saying that he should've shown me preferential treatment or that if I hadn't been doing my job he shouldn't have yelled at me - if that were the case, he should have. But seriously, we are 2 of about 10 black people at our company and you're going to give me shit like that?! This is why we can't have anything nice as black people - we're too busy being evil to each other.

ANYWAY. I was proud that I stood up for myself and wrote him back an email that was firm, but not harsh. It felt good to assert myself and not just do what I would normally do - apologize profusely. He didn't write me back AND when he had another question about the conference, he asked someone else! Haha - love scaring people. It is so much fun. He better watch out, though - if I see him at the conference, I'm going to give him the look of death. I don't like people playin' on my phone email!

to sext or not to sext?

I got an email the other day from my friend SG, who I've known ever since we met as young high school kids at a summer program in Providence. She sent me this article, a CNN piece about the Anthony Weiner dick pic scandal. Basically, the article is about how common sexting is and that the pictures themselves aren't the scandal, it's more the lying and cheating behind it. I have to say, I tend to agree. I didn't really think the picture thing was such a huge deal, mostly because so many folks are doing it. What made it shady was that some of the pics were unsolicited, homeboy was married, and when he got caught he lied about it. This shouldn't shock you, but I'm a longtime sender and receiver of naked pics and I think there's absolutely nothing deviant about it. However, there are certain ground rules that one should obey when sending snapshots of your naughty bits to another person. Here are my 8 rules for sexting without consequences.

1. If you are even remotely famous or in any kind of position of power, just don't do it. See the thing is, I'm a nobody, so I can photograph my pikachu whenever I want and no one gives a shit. The Congressmen from New York, unfortunately, was not in the same position, so he should've kept it in his pants. People love a good political scandal and that stuff always comes out. Plus, if you're in that position you're probably old and don't really know what you're doing when it comes to Twitter or Facebook. Stick with hookers and blow. I know it's cliche, but at least you come off looking like less of a n00b.
2. If you're a (straight) dude, do not send an unsolicited picture of your dick to anyone. Unless we ask for it, we really don't want to see your junk. Also, if it's unsolicited, I feel no obligation to keep it private, so I'm probably going to send it to at least two of my friends. You've been warned.
3. Keep your face out of it. For the love of all that is holy, do NOT include your face in your dirty pictures. That way, if you misjudge your partner and their discretion, you can always deny that it's you.
4. Don't give pictures away, broker a trade. Why should you be the only one giving away your digital goodies? Make it sexy and ask your partner to send you some pics as well. That way, you both get something naughty and it's also great collateral if something should go wrong. I'll show you mine if you show me yours =)
5. Only sext a partner you truly trust. Sending pictures to every Tom, Dick, and Harry you meet online or at a bar is a surefire way to end up embarrassed. Stick to sharing with people you know are not going to send it to their friends. The fact is, people are assholes and in this culture of viral videos, Twitter, and constant Facebook updates, they're used to sharing any and everything with 1,000 of their friends and acquaintances. If you wait til you're comfy with your partner before sharing intimate photos, it ups your chances that they won't share them with their friends.
6. Never ever send photos from an email address with your first and last name listed. I'm the queen of multiple email addys and I make sure that I send all my dirty business from an email address with a generic name and no identifying information.
7. Quadruple-check your recipient, whether you're texting or emailing. The last thing you want to do is send naked pictures to your mother, when you meant to text Mike. 
8. Delete the evidence. I once had a bunch of naked photos of myself on my camera, which I then proceeded to leave at a New Years Eve party hosted by this guy I was crushing on. Needless to say, I was *mortified* that he would try to scan through the pics to see whose camera is was and find me in all my glory. I panicked like whoa. Luckily, I got the camera back and I don't think he saw the photos, but the moral of the story is - delete that shit. You never know who will find your camera or be playing around on your phone.

That's it for my rules. Let me know if I missed anything. Happy sexting!

this is the longest i've ever lived in san francisco!

I was riding the 21 bus home the other day and realized that this is the longest I've lived in San Francisco! Isn't that crazy?! Last time I lived here, I arrived August 22nd and left on June 2nd. This time around, I moved August 23rd and it's June 9th and I am still here! Craziness! What I've also realized is that I've never spent a summer here, which can explain why I'm browsing Hamptons Magazine online and dreaming of a summer spent alternating between days spent on the ocean and nights at a rooftop bar. Instead, it's about 62 degrees here in SF and I'm still wearing my wool coat. I saw a chick with a North Face jacket on the other day, no lie.

I mean, I knew all about SF summers - I did my research before I got here, but I'm starting to feel it. This is the trade-off. We don't get the blizzards and Nor'easters I had in New York, but we also don't get blazing hot days spent wearing barely there sundresses and warm nights drinking cocktails outside. Oh well, I'm sure I will adjust, but I'm not going to lie - I miss summer. I'm going back to New York in two weeks and so I'll get my fill then. The thing about living out here and being from the East Coast is that you have to plan your trips wisely so you get to do all the things you can't do out here. For me, that means I'll be back for at least two weeks in the summer, another two weeks in the fall, and then Christmas-time. Hopefully that's enough sun, fall foliage, and holiday goodness to tide me over. I love it on the West Coast - I feel healthier, more vibrant, more in control of my life, but I'll be damned if I don't want to wear a sundress every once in a while or actually be able to go out for the night without a jacket! Oh well, it's worth it to feel the way I feel right now.

look ma, no carbs!

Well, that isn't 100% true... more like no gluten. Today marks Day 6 on this journey to a healthier me. I'm taking it one day at a time and I think my body is finally starting to adjust a little bit. I was having crazy headaches, a small rash and bouts of dizziness that I think were the result of my new lifestyle changes, but as of right now I'm feeling fine. More present and alert. I've been trying to cut back on gluten to see if it's fucking with me (which I'm sure it is). I'm definitely not perfect - I ate a piece of naan last night - but I've also been tracking everything I eat on this website that my trainer looks at, so that makes me think a bit about what I decide to eat (or drink). I still can't curb my glass of wine per night habit, but let's be honest - two weeks ago, that was a *bottle* of wine per night habit, so I'm improving. Writing it all down makes me feel accountable and allows me to see where all of my calories are going. It's refreshing.

The body is still hurting, but I expect that's going to continue for a while. I'm currently dreading my training session this afternoon, but not in the 'OMG I want to cancel' way, but in the 'this will be painful' way. We're doing arms today, which seems like it will be less of a shitshow than the leg workout we did on Monday. Seriously, she had me leaping across the gym like a frog for about 10 minutes. Most painful exercise of my life. I can feel my ab muscles getting stronger though. It hurts less lifting myself up to get out of bed, so that's a plus. I'm sure my arms will be turned to jelly after today, though. I hope I can carry my purse home.

As far as dating goes, I started a barebones profile yesterday. It took me ages to come up with a username I could live with. In the past, I've used some super cheesy and/or dorky names, so I wanted something that reflected the essence of me. I chose something linked to my writer-status and my love of Anais Nin. Now, I just have to go through my photos and finish answering the rest of the questions. I'm a total narcissist and you'd think I would love this shit, but the writer in me is always trying to be clever, so answering a simple question like "On a typical Friday night, I am usually" turns into me tripping over my own attempts to be witty. Hopefully I'll finish that up tonight, so I can at least pretend to be doing this properly.

getting back on that horse.

Yup, that's right! The online dating horse - I think it's time for me to get back on. I still don't think I'm going to enjoy it and I'm not looking forward to it, but I'm bored and when I'm bored I tend to feel the need to do something, so here I am doing something. Plus, I need to stop sleeping with The Blexican (after Thursday, though... haha) and this will help.

The problem is, I'm monogamous to a fault. It's really funny, because most of my friends will tell you that I'm one of the least prude people they know. I love experimenting with sex and I've done tons of research on open relationships and alternative lifestyles. Even with all that, I prefer having sex with one person at one time. I don't like to hop from bed to bed - I respect those that do, but it's not me. After any long-term sexual relationship, I feel weird the first time I sleep with someone else. I think that could be why I prolong all of my men and take a really long time to stop sleeping with my exes. I just like the familiarity. Usually, the only thing that causes me to stop sleeping with someone is if they royally fuck it up, they lose interest (which is a rare occurrence... I'm just sayin'), or I get into another relationship. So it's time for me to get into another relationship or I'm going to be hooking up with Blexican for years. I can't help it - he's just too nice to me and loves me and does all the things I like. Plus, now that we're not in a relationship, I've gotten him to be more aggressive and stop feeling like he needs to impress me. ANYWAY.

I was scanning his profile online last night (yeah, I know it's weird, but I'm a stalker, so whatever) and I feel like his new description really sums up who he is. I have this problem where I can't ever seem to write a dating profile that captures the full essence of who I am. I think that I have so many different pieces of my personality and when I write I usually try to focus on one. Like this blog persona. Cleopatra Jones is a carefully cultivated character, an alter ego of mine that I've spent a ton of time developing and perfecting. So when I write online profiles, I slip back into that mode of describing myself as a persona and never really touching on the full version of myself.

That's the problem, though. The real me is so complicated. I'm so *difficult* and confusing and ridiculously multi-faceted. I'm borderline schizophrenic! How do you capture that in a profile without making yourself sound like a certified nutjob? I mean, I know I am a certified nutjob, but I'm a fun, intelligent, crazy-in-the-good-way nutjob. I always end up dating these men that are so... for lack of a better word, boring. I need someone who is going to captivate me and throw me for a loop and make me feel like I don't know what they're going to say next. I just don't seem to meet men like that. So basically, I need some serious help with this profile thing. I know I'm opening up the floodgates here (and also opening up the possibility for the sound of crickets), but anyone want to venture to describe me in a couple of sentences. I'm curious to hear what others see in me that I don't see in myself.

project: renovate my life, one change at a time.

I'm sitting here eating gluten-free brown rice cakes with almond butter on top for lunch, pondering how culinarily shittastic the next month is going to be. I've basically had my "come to Jesus" moment with my body and how unhappy I am with it and decided that it's time for a few months of serious change (hence the rice cakes). I've just felt super unhealthy and gross lately and I've definitely gained weight. I'm not the type who notices these things in myself or in other people, so the fact that I'm seeing it means it's definitely true. But, instead of wallowing in self-pity and candy, I'm taking control, guns blazing!

Step 1. I have a trainer now. I had my first session on Friday and I still can't get up from a chair or my bed without feeling the pain in my abdomen and legs. Girlfriend is sneaky! She's really nice and doesn't yell and everything seems like it's pretty mild, but then a day later it's like my body is saying, "Gotcha, bitch! You're gonna be in pain for a week." The plan is to come in 3 times a week and train aggressively so I can achieve my weight loss and stamina goals.

Step 2. I'm eating like a squirrel. Well, a squirrel that shops in Whole Foods and other organic produce shops. The lovely S.M. has introduced me to a cleanse that I'm hoping will allow me to feel healthier, lighter, and allow me to figure out which foods and making my body flip out. Of course, in order to figure this out, I have to go two weeks without alcohol, caffeine, refined sugar, soy, gluten, nightshades (tomatoes, potatoes), corn, red meat, dairy, and I'm sure I'm forgetting something else. It's going to be interesting to see if I can do this, but since I can still eat some things (i.e. certain fruits, veggies, rice, chicken), I'm hoping it's easier for me. We're not starting properly until July (I want to be able to eat and drink in NYC, of course), but I'm trying to get a little preview now.

The next thing in my life I'm planning on focusing on is dating, since I'm super fucking bored and need some drama of the male variety to spice things up. Luckily, my best friend is amazing at making that happen, so I think we'll be playing some kind of Boy Bingo or scavenger hunt or something. More on that later! Happy Sunday!

i think it's the rapture and i got left behind...

Growing up really is a mixed bag. On the one hand, it feels so nice to have my own place, to be financially independent and starting a career in a field I enjoy. On the other hand, sometimes I feel like I'm riding the short bus when it comes to my personal life. It's like the Rapture happened and I'm the only one left standing here, wondering where everyone went and why I'm all by myself.

Lately, I've really felt like I'm in this period of arrested development (awesome show, btw). It stems from a variety of issues, but the first has to do with my lifestyle. While a large number of my friends (even my single female friends) have expressed their interest in no longer partying like crazy, I feel the desire, on a fairly regular basis, to get crazy drunk and do stupid stuff. I miss going dancing until the wee hours of the morning and drinking enough alcohol to tranquilize a pony. I miss watching the sunrise over brunch after a night spent carousing with friends. I do not want to grow up. Of course, I'm 25 years old and the older I get, the more difficult it is to find people who want to participate in that kind of stuff with you. In general, I find that most of my friends want to have dinner parties or game nights or evenings spent watching HBO. I don't mind that in general, but I really miss being a party girl. I just haven't outgrown it yet. I want to be young forever, damnit!

Then of course, there's the relationship thing. I am always single, even when I'm in a relationship. I can never seem to find what I'm looking for - it's just really difficult. I can captivate men, but I very rarely find ones that captivate me and make me feel like they are worth settling down for. I tried so very hard with the Blexican - I really wanted that to be something, but in the end it wasn't what I was looking for. Right now, it's especially frustrating because it's something I want (as opposed to the past where I could give a flying fuck if I was seeing anyone) and can't seem to attain. I've run out of avenues, though. I don't really know if I want to online date anymore, but I also know that the best avenue for meeting men is closed to me because no one will ever set me up. I'm 100% serious. I'm just not the type of girl where friends are like "omg let me set Cleo up with X." I don't know if it's my perceived commitment phobia (I'm not afraid of commitment, I'm afraid of hitching my wagon to a jackass), my age, the fact that I have a fairly unique personality, my race, or maybe I'm just hideously ugly, but I'm pretty sure that if they had a choice, almost all of my friends would rather set up a rabid squirrel with their single male friends over me. It's frustrating and more than a little disheartening.

I'm also totally ill-equipped to deal with relationship issues because I really have no basis of comparison and no knowledge. I get tons of friends who ask me about relationship questions and I never know what to say. I mean, I can't even put my underwear on properly (literally, I put my underwear on inside out just yesterday), so how am I going to offer any kind of insight into anyone's relationship? I have the emotional maturity of a 12 year old boy. For the first time in my life, I find myself getting frustrated with trying to give advice, which makes me feel awful. I want to be the best friend I can be and I want to support my friends in the way they support me, but I just get annoyed because I don't know anything about this stuff and really offer no insight. Then I beat myself up for feeling that way and instead try to overcompensate by being crazy helpful and involved, which leads to more frustration. It's a vicious cycle. I just don't understand why anyone would value my opinion about anything important. I'm the chick you ask about sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Trust me, if any of you ever want a primer on sex toys or positions, I'm there. Anything emotional, I'm stunted and stupid. It sucks, but it is what it is, and it's hard for me to pretend to be something I'm not.

I guess I'm just in an interesting place right now and slowly coming to terms with that. I'm finally settling in to life in SF and it's different than I imagined it would be. My friendships are not what they once were, which is normal, as circumstances change, but I don't like change in regards to the people I care about. I'm meeting a ton of new and exciting people, but I'm just exploring those relationships and so nothing feels quite stable yet. I took a brand new job, a brand new career path and I'm trying to gain my footing. I know it'll all come to pass eventually, but in the meantime, it's just a lot of uncertainty and that's tough. On the bright side, though, it gives me plenty of emotional fodder for my angst-filled blog posts.

Edit: I forgot to add the sentiment that all I want to do is do hoodrat shit with my friends. That's all =)