ugh, health drama.

I'm a little concerned about my health right now. This whole sleeping all the time thing and the fact that I don't feel like I'm losing weight even though I'm working out is stressing me out. I hate feeling like a hypochondriac, but the fact is that my track record is not good when it comes to getting medical help. I just read this article about a kid who died of a pulmonary embolism (that's a blood clot in your lung, the same thing I had back in 2008) after an X-box tournament. It scared the shit out of me. I am seriously lucky to be alive. So I cannot fuck around with my current state of being. I'm making a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning for as fast as I can get one. I also am going to dial back the alcohol consumption because I'm sure that cannot be good for me. I just don't want to go through another major health scare, so I'm hoping this is something that will easily be cured by medication, taking vitamins, or eating more red meat. Right now, my doctor friends are telling me it sounds like anemia or hypothyroidism. I'm hoping they're right and I can get this shit ironed out in less than two weeks.

i have a serious problem.

And that problem is that I go to sleep at inappropriate times and wake up 6 hours later being all WTF?! That just happened, and as a result, it's 12:35am and I am *wired.* I'm going to go see a doctor because I'm a little concerned. I've been falling asleep at inappropriate times and sleeping for far longer than a person should. I also have been gaining weight (or at least I think I am) and it seems to be sticking with me, even though I'm seeing a trainer and am much more active than I used to be. I'm concerned something is wrong with my thyroid. So yeah, need to take care of that.

But, on the plus side, I can update my blog now that I'm up! Yay! I had a nice day today, which I spent with POP. I told him I wanted to play with guns this weekend, so he told me he would take me to the range. I went over to his house and he invited me up. We chatted for a bit and he showed me some pictures he had taken of some work party. Then he took out these replica guns and gave me a little tutorial on how to shoot them. It was cute. I found it incredibly sexy that he knows so much about guns. He showed me how to hold the gun and then gave me some targets to shoot at. I hit them! Yay me! Before we left, he asked me if I wanted to meet his roommate. Of course, I said yes, because I wanted to get a good look at her. She was really nice and we chatted for a bit. He had definitely told her about me and she was cute about it. I always wonder what boys talk about with their friends and if they talk about the girls they're dating. I guess he does because she didn't seem surprised to see me or that we were going out. She also made comments like "it's so cute that you both ______" So yay! I'm not a secret!

Anyways, we grabbed some chai and then headed out in his car to drive down to South San Francisco to the range. It was really nice - I like that we talk about everything and there are rarely any lulls. I mean, driving around with someone you don't know well can be crazy awkward, but this wasn't at all. We got there and unfortunately, there was a 2 hour wait! So we were like, ummm screw that. We decided to drive to Half Moon Bay and go to the beach there and do a little picnic and eat lunch. It was really nice - went grocery shopping for some stuff and then chilled on the beach. He held my hand - it was cute. Stayed out for a couple of hours and then drove back home. He dropped me off at my apartment and we had a nice goodbye kiss and then I headed inside where I proceeded to sleep like a dead person (ugh, what is wrong with me).

So yeah - we're going to hang out at work on Thursday when I head down to headquarters for the day and then we're going to make plans for what we'll do next weekend. One thing I really like about him is that he always seems so excited to see me and we both have these super dopey smiles on our faces when we hang out. It just feels good to feel happy. He's always all talking about what we're going to do in the future and saying things like "next time we..." or "we should do [insert activity here]" It feels nice to know that he wants to do things with me in the future. I really do wish we were screwing, but I guess I can wait. He seems to "respect women" and all that. Although, I wish he would disrespect me. I'm currently thinking of all the ways I would like to be disrespected - haha. I'm having these bouts of extreme horniness and they're killing me. I'm going to be humping chairs pretty soon if I don't get something. But anyway... yeah, things are good. I'm happy. He seems happy. Life is sweet =)

gotta get down on friday!

Thank goodness it's Friday. I am so ready to blow this popsicle stand and get my weekend started. I think I've officially said goodbye to my days of doing absolutely nothing on the weekends. I pretty much have a packed schedule this weekend and for the next few weekends. My mother is visiting me next week for 7 days. Good Lord, I don't know if I can handle it! What in the hell are we going to do for that extended period of time?! I mean, I'm glad to have the time off of work, but I'm sure I'm going to have to listen to a whole bunch of griping about how I'm living my life improperly. Also, she told me we're going to Loews, Home Depot, and IKEA to buy plants. I hate plants. Do not want. Oh, well.

Also, August begins my crazy, ridiculous 'get my body in shape' month. I've finally settled into a really good rhythm with my trainer and my body is starting to not scream out in pain. So I'm one step closer to my personal body idol - Nicki Minaj. I don't really do the 'thinspiration' thing - I just want to be stacked like one of those video chicks. So that means daily workouts at the gym and toning down my eating and drinking. I also think dating someone new is motivating me to get my body right since he's going to be seeing me naked fairly soon. Even more motivation.

I really desperately want to run out of work right now. The boss is MIA - no clue where she is, but I'm scared she'll come in and I'll be gone and it'll be an issue, so I think I'm duking it out til 5pm. Happy weekend, everyone!

date #3

Yay! I'm finally blogging at 2:48AM because I cannot sleep all due to going to bed at around 6:30pm. My sleep schedule is so fucked it's not even funny. Anyway, the date! Yay! I'm really happy right now and all smiley and girly and silly, which is so not me. I rarely get excited about the men I'm dating, so I'm happy that I really like this one. He seems like a really good person and we get along so well - it's just really easy and that's nice.

On Wednesday night, we met up to get Puerto Rican food in the Haight and he sent me a sweet "looking forward to seeing you" text like 20 minutes before. I am happy to report that no one harassed me while I was waiting for him to come to the restaurant. Yay! Because I am an idiot alcoholic, I suggested that we split a pitcher of sangria. Even after the waitress pretty much told me a half-pitcher was a better idea. Because damnit, no one is going to tell me I can't finish a pitcher of anything!!! That ended up being a really bad idea the next morning when my head was pounding from all that red wine. Never again. Seriously, poor life decisions. But, anyhow. The date was nice - we talked about lots of things and joked around and it was good. He told me I looked really pretty and I always love those sorts of compliments (even when I have difficulty believing them). After dinner and the pitcher, I invited him over. He checked out my place and spent time looking at my books. Luckily none of them scared him. I always forget to put stuff away, so I had the following awesome titles up on my bookshelf - Laid, Virgin, Slut, Cunt, and my personal fave The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. I don't know what men think of me when they come to my apartment. So we sat on the couch and he immediately went in for the kiss, which was nice - I like a little aggression. Turned the lights off and did the making out thing for a while until I was so exhausted I had to stop him. I mean, I go to bed before 10pm on a regular basis and it was already 11:30pm. Staying up that late is rough for me.

I didn't want him to leave, though, so I asked him if he wanted to go into the bedroom and lay down. It was really innocent - he didn't pressure me at all. All we did was kiss. I mean, he barely even touched my chest. It was all very PG-13 and I like that we're taking that stuff slowly. Not that I don't want to jump him. I was definitely super fucking aroused, as was he, but he didn't make a big deal out of it and it wasn't awkward. It was very chill. He says the sweetest things, too. He told me that he's happier than he's been in a while and that he's really glad he met someone as "beautiful, intelligent, and interesting" as I am. That was like the sweetest thing I've ever heard. I think he literally hit on all of the things I want men to see in me. It felt good to hear. When I asked him what he was doing this weekend, he was all "Hopefully spending a lot of time with you." Swoon. So we're hanging out this weekend - he's thinking either a nice motorcycle ride to the beach or we may go to a shooting range. I told him about my crazy desire to shoot a gun after seeing the movie Zombieland so he wants to take me there. I'm stoked!

Anyhow, he stayed over the night since I didn't want him to leave. We spent a lot of time cuddling and talking. I felt badly cuz I can never sleep in, so I made him get up at 6am to talk to me and keep me company. I'm sure my neighbors hate me because he had me cracking up hysterically telling me stories about his friends. I apologized for making him wake up, but he told me he didn't mind if it meant spending more time with me. I let him sleep for a bit while I got ready for work and then we both headed out. So yay! Date #3. I don't even have words - I'm just smiling like a crazy person. Oh how I've missed feeling this way about someone. It's so rare for me!

livin' the vida without the loca.

I went to sleep at 8:45pm PT last night. What in the holy hell?! Since when am I a senior citizen?! I don't know what is up with me, but I cannot seem to stay awake to save my life. I'm not going to lie, it felt really good to get a full 10 hours of sleep. Especially since it was a conscious choice. I didn't just fall asleep - I took my contacts out, put my PJs on and got in bed while the sun was still up!

I'm praying today goes by quickly. I have my training session this afternoon at 4pm - we're working on legs, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to be sore like a mofo afterwards. Then I have an 8pm date with POP. I'm super excited about this because he was proactive about the rescheduling - I didn't have to text him or anything! He set everything up, so I'm pretty sure that means he's into things between us so far. He also hasn't logged on to OKCupid in 12 days (hollaa!!!) so that's another good sign. Of course, this is the big third date - you know what that means. Chemistry will be tested. Not that I plan on getting naked or anything, but I feel like some kind of non-platonic move needs to happen so we know where this is going moving forward. I'm super nervous - do I even remember how to be physical with a guy? I guess I'll find out tonight!

Other than that, I have a pretty packed weekend - finally grabbing drinks with a friend in town for the summer, double-header Yankees games on Saturday, party on Saturday night, and then brunch at a hot new SF restaurant with my co-workers on Sunday morning. Maybe I'm sleeping like a granny in preparation for the rest of the week!

i'm sure you'd like some insight into other parts of my life.

Just to refute the commonly held notion that all I do is talk about boys, I figured I should do a little work update. Oh, work. I don't really know where to begin. I go through so many highs and so many lows. In general, I love what I'm doing. It's new, it uses my skill set more, it's fun - but it's also stressful and it makes me doubt myself all the time. I don't really think of myself as being a particularly creative person. I think I used to be, back when I wrote all the time and let my imagination run wild. Now, I'm more of a 'Virgo' personality and I'm very detail-oriented and organized, but I doubt my creative side a lot. It hasn't been much of an issue yet, because my job is still very procedural and administrative. Since I work on my manager's large-scale events, I don't really get to be creative. No one is trusting me with the creative vision for a $5 million event (nor should they).

I worry that since I'm not exercising those creative muscles, when I'm finally asked to do so, I'm going to fail. I'm afraid my taste will be off-brand and that my events will suck. So I stress out about work all the time and get so nervous. I was asked to do this event for a teammate who was busy and I could feel myself hyperventilating thinking about having to be creative. It ended up getting scrapped, so it doesn't matter, but I can't freak out every time I get asked to do an event on my own! I need to find a way to get over this anxiety. Right now, since I don't have much control over my actual job, I've decided to just volunteer like crazy for other events. I told someone I'd want to help out with the San Francisco office events. I'm looking into doing PR and Marketing for the sorority. Basically, I'm never going to learn until I do and if I can't make it happen 9-5, I'm going to have to make it happen outside of those hours. I know I can do this job and I know I'll be good at it, but I need to face my fears about creativity.

On the plus side, I love the process aspect of things! I'm working on a complete rebrand of our team, starting with our logo, website, and event process. I'm loving it. I get to set up meetings, drive, and lead the process. I can organize what we do and how we do it and delegate tasks to people. I am in heaven on this project since it uses my mad organizing skillz, and it's creative enough to make me feel like I'm growing, but not too much so I don't feel like I have to reinvent the wheel to be successful. Totally my ideal project. I wonder if I'll ever really feel like I've hit my stride in terms of the work I do. I'm happy I moved over to Events because I think it's a step closer to where I want to be, but I'm still not sure what my end destination will be.

in other signs of maturity...

Boo! POP canceled, which makes me sad. Unfortunately, there is a crazy amount of traffic on the way up from Monterey, so he probably won't get in until around 9:30pm or so. BUT, he did *call* me to tell me and then we had a really nice conversation about our weekends and he apologized profusely. He said he had really been looking forward to it, so he's sad to have to cancel. Luckily, we're both around this week, so we made tentative Wednesday plans as a do-over. He also asked me if I'd be down at headquarters this week at all for us to have lunch. I don't think I have any meetings down there, but if something comes up, obviously I want to do lunch. I'm not upset, though, or insecure about the progression of the relationship, so that makes me feel mature! I just hate how sloooowwwwly everything is going. You know how impatient I am. But, good things come to those who wait and all that jazz, so I shall wait! Also, I am happy that we can talk on the phone and that he's not one of those jackwads who texts you to cancel. Yay for maturity on both sides!

home sweet home.

I've been thinking a lot lately about life in San Francisco and how much I'm enjoying things this time around. I wonder what makes this particular time in my life so positive, when I absolutely hated San Francisco the first time I lived here. Regardless of the reason, I'm really starting to consider this place home and I don't know if I could ever live anywhere else. Maybe I'm growing up? Scary thought. I'm even considering *gasp* becoming a Giants fan. I mean, I will always bleed pinstripes and the Yankees are my team for life (CJ + NYY = Tru <3 4Eva), but I went to a Giants game with my team on Friday night and I miss going to live baseball games! I need a West Coast team to get me through the season. Plus, I love the Giants bleacher seats and pretty much want to live there week to week.

The last time I lived here, I was so passive about everything. I was passive making friends, I was passive dating, and I was passive about my job. I just let things happen to me without any action on my part and that was a huge part of me being unhappy. That plus medical drama, a really shitty "boyfriend," and not enough social outlets made me a complete Debbie Downer. Things are much improved now and I consider this place home. I've made a ton of new friends, both at work and outside of it. I'm doing the whole sorority alumni thing and I'm finally dating guys who are really good human beings. There may be something to this maturity thing.

Anyhow, it's Sunday, so I'm preparing for another date with POP. Puerto Rican food in the Haight and then "taking it easy," which hopefully means hooking up. But no sex, because I am a lady - haha, j/k, no sex because my waxer is on vacation! I'm super nervous, but extremely excited to see him. I think we're finally making progress on this whole text communication thing. Normally our texts are so transactional - meet here, dinner there, at this time - but on Friday, I finally got him to get a little bit more flirtatious via text message. You all know how I feel about sexting - I need the chance to show off my skills! I'm also determined to look smoking hot tonight - makeup, big jewelry, big hair, big boobs. I really need to bring my A game tonight!

reinvigorated.

I think that my trip to Arizona really helped me get a little more focus and clarity on some things I need to change. It was a great trip - the resort was amazingly baller (the Obamas and Jay-Z/Beyonce have stayed there) and we had a really great time touring the grounds. I got a sense for what the event will look like and I feel like I'm learning more and more about event planning each day. I'm still working through my insecurities, but I feel like experiences like this will only help me to overcome them quicker.

After working on my big event last month, I just kind of fell apart at the end. I was so mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted that I could barely function and so I got super lazy at work. Now, I'm feeling more motivated to get my shit together and focus on making myself an invaluable member of the team. I want to be more creative, I want to learn more about marketing and events, and I want to help out as many teammates as I can. That way, I can learn from them and grow, all while giving them a chance to see my work. I have a few new projects now that I'm working on heavily and I want to focus on them and really make the most of it. Every day I should learn at least 2 or 3 new things.

I am really unhappy about my body right now. I want to lose weight and get more fit, but I can't seem to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I'm trying this cleanse and I just hate it. I have my first workout today while being on it and I also have my period. I know I'm just going to be hungry and irritable all the time and may even pass out. I'm going to have to try something new. I think I'm that kind of girl who is never going to be able to say no to food. It's just not who I am. I like eating and I like eating the kinds of foods I ate as a kid. While I love that SF has exposed me to lots of cool new things (I love quinoa and wheatberries!), I just know that I'm always going to want to eat a cookie or some ice cream. I also know that my body is athletic and loves exercise and if I want to lose weight, that's the path. I would rather work out 3 hours a day than restrict my eating, so if that's what it takes, so be it.

I'm trying to keep things healthy as far as dating is concerned. A lot of my friends are saying I should date around and whatnot, but that's just not who I am. I am really happy just dating one guy at a time and focusing on that. Right now it's POP and I'm excited about our third date this Sunday night. Things are moving along slowly, but I'm happy with the progress and I think we both enjoy spending time together, which is the most important thing. I'm learning not to freak out about every little thing, while also learning to be more upfront about what I want. It's been refreshing.

I want to devote more time to doing the things I like to do, as well as exploring some new interests. I want to dedicate time to writing (by writing, I mean outside of this blog and my personal journal) and I really want to spend more time doing social media things and exploring my love of that world. Lastly, I want to get out more and be more active. Going on hikes, wandering around Golden Gate Park, trying new restaurants and bars. I want to live a full life and really make San Francisco my home. Not to mention that all of these things will help me with my new events/marketing career path.

So that's where my head is at right now - it's a pretty good place. I'm feeling pretty happy about the way things are going for me right now.

date #2

Yup, two posts in one day! Mostly because I'm going to Arizona tomorrow for work and who knows when I'll have the energy to post. So here it is: date #2 with POP. It was a really short date - like 90 minutes - but really amazing. Neither of us could stick around long since I have a 7:45am flight tomorrow and he has a project for work he needs to get done. We met up at Miller's East Coast Deli (my suggestion, since we both miss Jewish food and New York). {Sidenote: yes, I broke my cleanse and ate two things I shouldn't have, but due to the fact that I have a mandatory tasting for work tomorrow I figured I might as well go off for the day. Back on the wagon later this week!} I got there early and of course, some black dude started harassing me. YES, I realize that I am one of like 10 black women in San Francisco, but seriously --- can you not talk to me when I'm waiting for my date?! And can you also not give me your card while I'm waiting for my date?! UGH. Anyways, he showed up as I was talking to this guy, which was awkies. Luckily, the dude looked crazy and was drunk, so I'm hoping he knew that I wasn't interested.

We sat down inside and looked at the menu, started discussing why people are always talking to me (it happened before Date #1, too). He says I have a very friendly face and demeanor. I'm like - damn, I must be on my first date best behavior because nobody who knows me would say I have a friendly face. I'm constantly giving mad bitch face to guys in the street. We ordered knishes and latkes and then got to looking at the menu. I had eaten already, in the hopes that I wouldn't gorge myself on shit I shouldn't be eating, but I couldn't resist ordering matzoh ball soup. I think he was impressed with my knowledge of Jewish cuisine (thank you, Long Island!) and we chatted and talked for a while. He makes me laugh, which I like. I also like that we talk about our families - that's important to me. I just really like him, which is why I freak out about every little thing. I haven't been this excited about a guy from the start since The Engineer, and that ended with my heart being broken.

Anyway, he did four things on the date that made me happy.

1. I told him I had to be up at 5am to get to the airport and he offered to give me a ride. Okay, for those of you who don't know - this is an important gesture to me. When I was deathly ill with my blood clot a few years back and coming back to SF, that twat waffle I used to date (TG) refused to pick me up from the airport. So now, anytime a guy offers me a ride to the airport, I want to instantly hug and kiss them. Of course, I told him that was not necessary and that my job would pay and there's no way I would let him get up that early to drive me to the airport (especially after only two dates), but seriously, the offer was super sweet. I couldn't believe it.
2. He aggressively grabbed the check to pay for dinner, which always makes me swoon. I love when a guy is just like "Nope, this is on me. Don't even think about paying." 
3. He expressed an extremely strong desire to see me in the future. Anytime I would talk about a restaurant I wanted to visit or something I wanted to do, he was like "we should do that sometime." Like every time. I found it incredibly endearing. Also, at the end, he was like "I really want to see you again. When are you back from your trip? We should definitely go out this week or this weekend." We tentatively have plans for Wednesday, since I get back Tuesday night =)
4. He told me he would give me a ride on his motorcycle whenever I wanted. I know what you're thinking, perverts, but he actually owns a motorcycle. He rode it to the date, so when we left, he asked if I wanted to see it, which (duh!) I did. He then told me he would take me around on it anytime I wanted. I had to resist the urge to strip naked and offer myself to him right there, haha. I may have reacted a little too strongly with an enthusiastic YES, but I'm sorry, riding on the back of his motorcycle sounds hot. 

So yeah, that's how it went down. Pray that my neurosis does not get in the way of what it seeming to be a pretty awesome trajectory of dating events.

i can't stop being a morning person.

I'm still in this weird mental space right now, but I love getting up early in the morning, especially on weekends. It's so nice how peaceful everything is. I mean, it's 9:30am and I've already knocked off 15 things on my To Do List. Progress! I'm nervous about tonight, but I'm also slightly apathetic and not really expecting much, which could make this the worst or best date ever. I've just resigned myself to not caring about what happens because in the long run, it's not really going to matter anyway. Of course, I'm still me, so that means I'm getting *another* manicure - he commented on my nails last date, so if I have the same color he's going to notice - and I've picked out the perfect outfit to be casual (jeans) yet sexy (cleavage). I kind of want to get some kind of action tonight, if possible. I mean, not sex - I have to visit my waxer before sex is a possibility - but kissing would work. Maybe second base. I'm sticking to my usual motto of "If all else fails, whore it up!" I think I can safely say, I've never wasted an opportunity to get it on.

In other news, I'm thinking about what I want to focus on to get my mind off of things. There's so much I've been neglecting lately and so many things I want to do. I want to write my socks off. I want to put every single piece of me into something - a novel, a screenplay, a hilarious send-up of 20-something life in the 21st century. I want to learn how to cook for once and for all. I want to work out until my body aches, until I'm so sore that I can't move. I want to channel all of the energy I have into a multitude of activities so that I end each day exhausted, but fulfilled. Life is short and I feel old sometimes. I would need five lifetimes to do everything I've always wanted, so if I want to even make a dent, I need to start now. So I find myself getting up earlier and earlier each day in pursuit of fulfilling my dreams.

erm, ignore me, please.

So, um, yeah. Crisis averted and the boy wrote back explaining why he hadn't written back (out partying for a birthday, phone died, woke up late, missed shuttle/work, etc) and reiterating that he'd like to go out again. So we have a date tomorrow for knishes and drinks. I'm officially the world's biggest jackass/neurotic and I need to chill the fuck out. Someone please kill me and end this misery that is living inside of my head. I'm not going to take back all of what I said last post, but I do feel like a colossal tool in a lot of ways. I know that I have to be patient and all, but after 25 years of being patient (almost 26!) --- I just can't do it all the time. Sometimes I panic and that panic is why I wish I was asexual or that I could opt out of the dating game altogether.

I told one of my friends that I believe that some people just aren't meant to be loved and that I think I'm one of them. Maybe it's not that I'm not meant to be loved, but that I'm not meant to be loved by anyone that I want to love me. Men are usually intrigued by me in some may. I know how to capture male attention (both romantic and platonic). I grew up with boys, have a sense of how they operate, and I know how to be appealing to them on a variety of levels. I'm not thin, I'm not even particularly attractive, but I have really big boobs and give off a slightly slutty vibe know how to have fun, how to be interesting, how to carry on a conversation, and how to make people laugh. That has always served me well with getting boys to flirt with me, kiss me, sleep with me. Yet, I still don't have the love that I crave. The only man who's ever loved me (that I know of, at least) is a man that I was pretty much indifferent to. When I like a guy a lot, it is always bound to end poorly for me.

Which brings me back to my point - maybe I'm just not meant to be loved. I think I have a pretty realistic picture of the person I was and the person I've become. Good things don't always happen to everyone and I think I'm starting to become comfortable with the fact that this whole love thing will always be a struggle for me. There's one thing my best friend said to me recently that struck a chord. She said, "I hate when people tell me that someday I'll meet some guy who is going to love me for who I am. Because the reality is that I might not get that. That is a very real possibility. And it won't necessarily be because I don't want it badly enough. It could be because it just doesn't happen. I need to live with the reality of that." I'm slowly coming around to her reality and trying not to view it as a negative, but as a simple part of life.

I mean, all in all, I've had a good run of things (spoken as though I'm going to die tomorrow, lol) and I lead a pretty awesome life considering how things started off for me. Black bastard children don't often get breaks out here in America. I'm lucky to have been adopted by two amazingly wonderful human beings who provided me with a wonderful education, allowing me to get a damn good job, a kick-ass apartment that I don't have to share, and amazing friendships that sustain me. It's not too hard to find contentment within that.

i am epically lame.

Ugh, I'm in such a depressed mood today and it makes me upset. Of course, I'm mad about this dumb boy (who I texted and received no response from - womp womp), but I think it's made worse by the fact that I'm on a cleanse and I can't really eat anything. Without carbs, sugar, or alcohol, how am I supposed to make it through life's difficult moments?!?!?! Mothereffer! Instead, I'm sitting here at work, dead ass tired due to the midnight Harry Potter showing and dreaming of the single rice cake with almond butter I'll be allowed to eat upon my return home. Needless to say, I am pathetic. I can haz my dignitee bak, plz?

I was super happy I saw HP7.2 last night, though. Went with a bunch of work girls and some of their friends. It was a great movie - AMAZING - and I cried like a baby for most of it. I may go home tonight and read the last book again and weep over the Snape storyline (I'll refrain from spoiling it), which is my favorite part of the whole series. Since I can't drink, I will watch epic amounts of DVR and dance around in my underwear to Selena Gomez.

I don't even want to get into my feelings about my current dating situation and how much I just hate everything and want to opt out. It would be great if I could just wake up and be asexual. Or - even better, if I can wake up a man. I don't know if I've shared this with the blog yet, but the BFF has always told me that when we're 40 and single (yes, that's a *when* not an if) we should get married and have a bomb ass party and get a NY Times wedding announcement. I mean, two black Ivy-educated lesbians, and one is a conservative?! We would be New York Times gold! Lately, though the plan has changed. When I'm 40 and single, I'm getting a fucking sex change so I can become a man and have all the agency and power I want, as well as the freedom to be alone if that's how it falls out. Although, I'm pretty sure if I was a dude, mad women would want to get with me. I have a good job, a 401K, my own apartment, a pretty busy social life, and I can listen to all of your work drama and even chime in. Ladies, I'm a keeper!

this is why i hate dating.

Honestly, it turns me into a neurotic ball of mush, ridiculously self-conscious and qustioning. It makes me question every move I make, every sentence uttered, every truth told. The problem is - I analyze everything to death. I am a habitual analyzer, which makes interactions with other people incredibly difficult because I'm always playing and replaying certain moments in my head, trying to gauge how the other person viewed them.

Anyway, I'm getting off on a tangent. The point is that POP guy hasn't called/texted to set up date 2 and I am freaking the fuck out. I'm trying to figure out if I misjudged his interest - maybe he didn't have as good a time as he said he did. Or maybe once I left, the magic wore off and he was kinda like 'eh.' Then, there's the part of me that's like - well, when we corresponded online we would often take 3 or 4 days to reply to each other, so maybe this is like that. Maybe he's busy - I mean, people get busy. Shit - I've been doing social things all week, so it's not like I don't have my own life. Then, I get to thinking that maybe it shouldn't be his job to contact me, if I'm interested in him. The feminist in me is all, "if you want something go and get it," but the traditionalist in me wants to be courted. Dilemma.

I always struggle with this. I am a progressive, open, liberal-minded girl about most things, but I have this strain of traditionalist views that always pops out when dating is concerned. In my day-to-day life, I am pretty aggressive. I don't think most people would categorize me as such, because I'm not in your face or anything about it, but I'm extremely competitive and I go for what I want. I was taught by my mother that the world was never going to give me anything - I was going to have to take it and that's how I operate. My new job? I got it because I was aggressive. I badgered the right people and I got the ball rolling FAST. I knew what I wanted and I wasn't passive about making my interests known. Dating, though, has always been different for me. With the exception of my amazing seduction of The Banker, I'm a passive dater. I tend to just go with things, which is why I end up with assholes like TG and The Intellectual or in relationships with guys I don't really work well with, like The Blexican. Maybe it's time for me to stop being a passive dater.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to barrel over men or act desperate or emasculate anyone, but I think that I can go about this in a completely different way. I think there's nothing wrong with taking a little initiative and letting a guy know you're interested, as long as it's done properly. Sometimes I feel bad that guys have to guess how women feel about them. Especially since I know that I am extremely coy and hard to read. So maybe, if I give a little bit of encouragement, I can get what I want. Not sure if I'm completely comfortable with taking the reins on this, but it's 2011, not 1911. I think it may be time for me to mix it up. Thoughts?

date night.

Finally getting around to blogging about the date. Life has been busy and I've been exhausted, so this is a little bit late. Anyway, it was an amazing date. Like really, really good. Not because of anything we did, but more just the ease of communication. There were never any lulls in the conversation and we just had a really good time enjoying each other's company.

Prior to the date, I was SO nervous. I mean, the prospect of spending the early evening in the park with a stranger was daunting. I mean, what if he didn't talk? Or if we instantly hated each other on sight? I was terrified. I got over it, though, put on a dress, did my hair, nails and feet and went to Golden Gate Park. When he came over, he looked exactly like he did in his pictures - a little scruffier, but I like scruff, so that was a plus. We walked through the park and chatted about our lives - the schools we went to (his brother went to my alma mater), what TV shows and books we like, our jobs, and pretty much everything under the sun. We got to some benches and he asked if I wanted to sit, so we sat and chatted some more. We got to talking about food and I confessed my hatred of chocolate, which launched a long discussion about what we like to eat. That gave him the perfect segue to ask me to dinner. I said yes, and he took me to this Chinese place near my house. The food was really good and again, conversation was excellent. I think we have similar temperaments (we're both sarcastic, we both curse, and we both like to laugh). It was nice to just feel a connection to someone that quickly.

After dinner, he asked me if I would like to grab a drink with him at a bar near his house. We dropped the leftovers over at his place and then went to the bar. More conversation - about our parents and what they do, sports teams (he's from MA but not a Red Sox fan - praise Jesus!), and our respective views on alcohol and drugs. After the bar, he asked me if I wanted to go to his place to have a glass of really good whiskey. Since he didn't seem like a creeper, I said yes. We got to his place, he poured the (amazing) whiskey and put on some music. We sat close together on the couch, and just chatted for a while. Then he did the whole sneaky 'arm around me' thing, which made me giggle a little. He asked me if I was having a good time because he was having a really good time. I said yes and we kind of snuggled for a bit and talked some more. He looked like he wanted to kiss me, but he went for a really sweet kiss on the cheek instead. More talking and then I asked to use the bathroom. When I got back, I figured I should get going since I had training the next day. He walked me to the door and I gave him a quick kiss and we both said how much fun we had and how we hope to do it again soon.

Now is the hard part. The waiting. Waiting for him to call me and tell me he wants to see me. I'm just so nervous and insecure that he's going to fall off the face of the earth, the way The Intellectual did after our first date. I mean, he said he had fun and it seemed sincere, but you just never know. So now, I wait.

sensitivity.

Sensitivity, sensitivity, I'm just loaded with that. Yes, I'm starting my blog entry with a song lyric from Once Upon a Mattress - you all know how I think show tunes solve all. Point is, for someone who tries super hard not to be, sometimes I can be disgustingly sensitive. I care a great deal about what people think about me - not all people, but folks I care about and people I want in my world. I think that's why I freaked out so much about it being difficult to make friends at work, because deep down I want everyone to like me. Especially when we're talking people that I'm spending 60 hours a week with. I find it hard to function when I feel like I'm being judged, especially when that judgment is negative.

So I do what I always do - I freak out about it, obsess over it, and try to mold myself into some sort of super-human. While other people can simply say, "Fuck it." and be done, I'm too sensitive for that and instead I feel hurt and angry, but also mad at myself. For not being able to be perfect and for not always having my shit together, along with being mad that I care so much. I think if people knew all about the petty shit I stress out about, they'd be calling the authorities to pick me up.

Anyway, I'm a huge ball of nerves today. I've been up since 5:30am, cleaning since 6am, and trying to figure out how I'm going to get my hair, nails, feet, and shopping done before my 5pm date. Oh, and that date. I'm super fucking nervous about this date. I just feel so less than right now that I can't even picture myself being interesting tonight. I mean, I know I'm not dull. I am many things, but dull isn't one of them  (quite frankly I could stand to be a bit more dull, lol). I know I need to just calm the fuck down and focus, but I'm ridiculously nervous that I'm not going to be able to carry on a normal conversation. I need a Xanax and a cocktail.

dating update!

So much has happened in the past couple of weeks with my dating life - I feel like I'm in a warped version of How Stella Got Her Groove Back. I have been in this weird nebulous dating funk for a while now, which always happens when I break up with someone. To add insult to injury, I don't feel like I look like my best self right now, so not only am I single, I'm not even attractive! Anyway, I'll rag about my looks in a subsequent entry, right now I'm talking about dating.

I've been getting more male attention than I have in a long time. I don't know why this is, but it's like whenever I go somewhere that isn't where I live, boys wanna chat me up. In SF, I might as well be invisible! So, while I've been in New York, it's been nice to have some male attention and start to feel like I'm getting back into my old self. I love flirting. Seriously, if I could flirt all day, I would. I find the whole art of it to be intriguing and exciting. I hate when I get out of practice, so it was nice to have a couple of weeks to beef up my skills.

In other people's dating news, The Blexican is now in a Facebook-official relationship with this chick. Normally, I would have to go out and drink a bottle of wine to feel better about that, but honestly, I don't care! Also, College BFF told me that she looks "extra regular." God, I love that girl! I saw the status update last night while I was texting this new guy (let's call him POP for now - short for perfect on paper - if he ends up being amazing when I meet him, we'll change that) and I just didn't feel anything. Instead I was excited to be texting a new boy and thinking about the possibility of meeting someone I click with.

POP and I have a date on Sunday at Golden Gate Park, which is near where we both live. I'm actually really excited. He seems like a nice guy and we have a lot in common and true to his nickname, he seems pretty amazing on paper. He's extremely well-educated, works at my company, likes technology, has friends, is active and social, and loves lots of New York things that I also love. We've already bonded over our quest to find a good knish in San Francisco. I'm feeling hopeful about everything, even though I'm nervous as hell. I just want to come off as interesting, vibrant, funny, and sexy. I'm still stressing over outfit and hair choice, but I have some time to think it over and/or go on a shopping spree. I'll keep you posted about how it goes. Wish me luck!

i really do love san francisco.

I am totally enjoying my trip home to New York, but there's one thing it's taught me. My real home is in California. This is the first time ever where I've really missed San Francisco. I've made a bunch of trips back and forth, both times I've lived here, but this is the one time where I didn't want to leave. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love seeing my family and friends and I'm having a blast here being social and remembering all the fun things I like to do on Long Island and in Manhattan, but my true home is in SF. I can't wait to go back and be in my own apartment, with the crazy San Francisco weather, going to work in my office and hanging out with my SF crew. I miss it like whoa.

One thing about coming home, though, is that I get nostalgic like a motherfucker. Today, I went to the mall with my father and it was like watching my childhood flash before my eyes. I remembered all the things I did when I was young with my friends. From mini-golf to Starbucks runs to hanging out in Barnes and Noble with High School BFF, it all came rushing back and I missed it. Sometimes, I miss being young and having no responsibility. I remember all the angst I had as a kid over the dumbest shit. Fights amongst our group of friends, freaking out because my parents didn't understand me - all of that seems pretty damn trivial now that I have a job and bills and a life to maintain.

I guess I'm growing up, strange as it seems. I'm creating a life for myself - with a new job, new friends, and a new me. It feels good, but it's also crazy sometimes to see how far I've come.

i should not drink wine on an empty stomach.

I am sitting in my parents' kitchen, watching our cat sniff the floor, and drinking wine. Unfortunately, two glasses of wine has me completely buzzing - I'm not even joking, it feels like everything is buzzing and humming. I probably should've eaten a real dinner.

Anyway! I've been MIA this past week, really doing a lot of nothing. I've been working from the NYC office, bothering my friends there and occasionally poking my head into the office of my new team. It's been nice being in New York and I still have two more days of vacation left this weekend. We got today off for the 4th and then we get tomorrow off as well. I'm taking Wednesday as a comp day, so I'm heading to the beach and a soccer game with Slindy. I'm excited! I miss hanging out with the NYC crew. Hanging out with my family has been fun and College BFF made a visit to my house this weekend, so it's been really great to see her and hang out. I love that I can have her stay here for days and it's so relaxing. We don't even really have to do anything. Pure friendship.

I feel a lot better about the Blexican thing and I'm trying to move on. I've actually been chatting with a nice guy from OK Cupid, who I seem to have a decent amount in common with. We're both the same age, he went to school in NYC so he's familiar with my favorite places, and he's Jewish, so we talk about Jewish food and culture (yes, I'm aware I'm not Jewish, but I like to think I can get some kind of honorary status). I also love that he's an engineer at my company - I think the product he works on is sexy, so that's another huge plus. He seems like good people, but I don't know what will happen. We also live scary close to each other. I just sent him what may have been the longest online dating message in history, but I'm hoping that doesn't scare him off. I mean, any man who wants to date me needs to know that I can TALK. I can talk to a brick wall, a cat, a potted plant - once I get going I don't stop and I don't need anyone to talk back. So, I'm hoping that didn't deter him and I'm really praying that he asks me out this week when I'm back in SF, so we can see if there's any real spark. So far, so good, though. I needed the distraction.

Anyhow, I'm going to try and eat a bunch of BBQ to make the word stop humming. Hope all the Americans are enjoying the 4th of July weekend!