finally back in SF!

A week in Arizona was a LONG TIME. I am so happy to be back in my apartment, lounging in my bed. Unfortunately, I have some work I need to get done, so I'll be up for a bit, but it is nice to be back. Things I've done over the past week:

1. Turned 26 years old!
2. Got a smile and a hello from Cory Booker (I was so creepy about it, too). I blushed and giggled for like 20 minutes afterwards!
3. Wrapped up an amazingly successful event, full of celebrity sightings!
4. Ate more food than any one person should (dieting is happening starting next week)
5. Drank like a fish. Detoxing will also be happening after this weekend.
6. Wrote a completely crazy, soul-bearing email to POP that is somehow making me feel better.

So yes, that's my life right now. I'll be sure to update for real tomorrow!

birthday updates!

I will admit that I wasn't really looking forward to the whole 26th birthday on a work trip thing. I mean, I've never been a huge birthday person - I don't take the whole week off or chat about it incessantly, but I usually like to be in whatever city I live in, surrounded by the people that know me the best. So I was a little skeptical about actually having fun, but I have to say that it was a truly amazing day!

Woke up bright and early to catch my flight to Phoenix, Arizona. Got to the airport and met up with my co-worker/life coach, LE, who gave me a birthday card (so sweet)! The flight was uneventful since I slept the whole way. Then we headed to the event venue to get shit done. Except there really wasn't anything to do. I've been here since Thursday and I feel like I haven't had a single real task to do. It's kind of nice. I mean, I was supposed to be supervising some bag stuffing but the production company seems to have that shit on lockdown.

LE had set up this amazing dinner for me and the production team and events staff at the resort hotel. It was amazing. I had a ton of wine and really nice filet of beef. Amazeballs. We're also staying at the W Scottsdale Hotel, which is apparently the mecca of all nightlife for Scottsdale, Arizona. They were having this huge NBA fundraiser party that night and our IT guy (dorky, married engineer) was dying to go, but wasn't staying in the hotel, so we promised to accompany him and get him tickets. On the ride to the hotel, he entertained us with his vast knowledge of pop music. You haven't lived until a grown-ass straight male engineer sings Ke$ha at the top of his lungs in your presence. When we got to the party, it was insane. Red carpet and velvet rope outside of the hotel. Then you enter and there were a million baby skanks everywhere. These girls looked about 13 years old and they had NO clothing on. I really, truly felt old. We didn't care, though, we just took our old selves up to the poolside party and drank a ton of alcohol. Long Islands, Jaeger shots, whiskey drinks, etc and all of it paid for by my fabulous team/company. I don't think I spent a single dollar that night. Also peep our caricature, which really doesn't look like any of us. Oh, well.

Drunk binge eating in my hotel room while rocking out to pop music with my coworkers was an awesome way to end the evening. Bedtime by 3:30am. All in all, a stellar birthday!

last day as a 25 year old!

Tomorrow is my 26th birthday! I don't know why I put an exclamation point on that because I'm really not excited about it. I feel like I've reverted to my old stance on birthdays, where I don't really want to do anything but drink alone and be ornery. I had my birthday party this past weekend and that was fun and low-key. Had a small birthday dinner last night, which was also fun and low-key. I guess the era of the big birthday celebration is over for me. It was a nice run - 2006-2010 - and I had some great memories, but it's time to move on, I suppose. I think I'm also in such a birthday funk because I'm going to be traveling to Arizona for my big event on my birthday and stuffing gift bags and badges for most of the day. On the bright side, I am going to eat a nice dinner and expense the hell out of that shit. Yay!

I've been looking back on the past year and everything has gone really, really well. I feel like I'm really starting to come into my own and this year was a huge period of personal growth for me. It was my first full year living in San Francisco and I've truly fallen in love with this place. This is 100% my home now. I mean, I will always be a sarcastic, snarky Long Island princess, but I love the Bay Area. This is it for me - it's beautiful, liberal, and I love the weather. Every night when I come home from work or nights out with my friends, I thank God that I've found the place I was meant to be and the people I want to spend my time with. I have amazing friends here and I couldn't be happier about my current location.

Dating has gotten so much better for me. I'm finally over dating assholes!!!! How did that happen? A year ago I was finally cutting ties with the one man that truly made me feel like absolute shit (TG) and in that time, I've dated two really fabulous guys. The Blexican was so not right for me, but he was a good person. He treated me kindly, took care of me, and loved me when I thought it was impossible to ever meet someone who would care about me in that way. My current boy, POP, may not be perfect, but I'm learning how to navigate a relationship with him and I'm also enjoying dating someone who challenges me in so many different ways. Not only that, I actually really like him. I don't think I've dated a man I've really liked since high school. This is totally new territory for me and I'm enjoying all of the emotions I'm having - the giddiness AND the crippling self-doubt and insecurity. It feels great to feel something for someone. It's rare for me.

I got a new job this year! And while I don't think it's the perfect place for me, it is a hell of a lot closer and I'm learning a lot. I feel really engaged with what I'm doing and it's so exciting getting to see some amazing events and know that my work is a part of making them happen.

As I turn 26, I know there are some things I want to work on. I definitely want to focus on my career and finding a job that makes my dreams come true, preferably in some segment of social media. I want to train to be a sex educator and really get involved in that world. I want to write up a storm - my memoirs (yes, I know I'm young, but damnit, I have a lot to say!), my novel, maybe even a screenplay. I want to find a stable, steady relationship with long-term potential. I want to get my money right (I'm almost there!) and my body tight (gotta love all my training sessions at the gym). There is so much to work on, but I'm so proud of the progress I've made. I am getting there, slowly but surely, and enjoying the hell out of the ride =)

top 5 things guys do in bed that make me swoon.

I feel like blogging about sex right now! Yay! When I first started sleeping with boys, I was very timid and kind of go with the flow and didn't really have any expectations from them. Over time, though, I've gotten more comfortable with my body and my tastes and I have certain things I look for when I start dating a guy. Here are my Top 5!

1. Kiss me on the mouth after I've gone down on them. There is a certain man in my past who shall remain nameless (I'm sure you can guess who it is...) who absolutely refused to kiss me after I finished giving him head. I'm sorry, but if I'm working my ass mouth off to pleasure you, you damn sure better give me a kiss when I'm done. This particular guy would either pat my head (yes, he did this once and I wanted to MURDER him) or kiss me on the cheek. I just find it so disrespectful to expect blow jobs from a girl and then get all squeamish about body fluids, especially when they are your own. Get over yourself.
2. Be perfectly content just spooning me and making out. I like sex. I like it a lot. But some nights I'm not game for it. It happens for a variety of reasons - I'm tired, I'm lazy, I feel like a fat cow. Either way, I love when a guy is happy to just hold me and kiss me without the expectation of anything further. The older I get, the more every single hookup seems to be a precursor to sex. I love it when a guy is okay with getting me in bed without the promise of penetrative sex.
3. Period sex. It's not a dealbreaker, but I'm not going to lie, I love when a guy is okay sleeping with me when I'm on the rag. I don't know if men know this, but a lot of women get super fucking horny when they have their periods. I know I do. It's the most frustrating thing in the world, so we like it when you're okay with a little mess - it isn't even that bad and we can do it on a towel or in the shower.
4. Get me off first. I've been lucky and all of the guys I've been with can take a bow on this one, but I love when guys want me to finish before they do. I don't always take them up on it, but I appreciate the offer. It shows me you're not selfish and that you actually give a shit if I'm enjoying myself. Keep it up, boys!
5. Be aggressive. B-E aggressive. When it comes to choosing between hot and heavy sex and the sweet, sensual kind, I always go for the former. I just really like when guys take control and get a little aggressive. I am not a small or weak woman, so please throw me around a little and don't be afraid to get rough (within reason, of course). I have to be so take charge in my regular day-to-day life that I like it when I don't have to hold a guy's hand in bed.

birthday party recap!

I hosted a small birthday party at my place on Saturday night. I'm not really sure what's going on with me, but I'm not really all that excited about my birthday. Maybe it's because I'm going to be traveling on the actual day, but I kind of don't feel like putting in too much effort. Luckily, the party went smoothly - it was about 15 people, nothing crazy, and I got to drink and chat with my friends. Plus, I wore a hot little dress and straightened my hair and looked nice.

In other news, it was the first time that POP met all of my friends. I had invited him last week and I wasn't sure if he was going to come. I mean, he had told me he would, but I wasn't sure what to expect because I think I'm still lacking some trust in how he feels about me because I'm an insecure mess. Exactly at 9 he texted me and told me he was jumping in the shower and was going to come right over. He arrived while the party was in full-swing and brought me some wine and cupcakes. I was nervous about how things would go because I knew he'd be a little shy, but all in all, he spoke more words than The Blexican ever did and everyone thought he was really nice. What I loved most of all was that he was all geeky with my engineer friends. I live in the Bay Area, so of course 85% of my guy friends are engineers and he got to chatting with them about coding things. Also, he really hit it off with MB's boyfriend which bodes well for future double dates. MB also chatted with him and really liked him and that makes me happy because she's like my best friend out here and I want her to like my man. He was the appropriate level of couply at the party - held my hand once or twice but in a discreet way. I don't like too much PDA, so I was happy with it.

Around midnight people started to filter out and I basically just wanted to rush everyone out so I could hook up with him (drinking makes me want to take my clothes off). He helped me clean up a little bit and we basically couldn't keep our hands off each other, so I decided to call it a night. Unfortunately, I was a little overeager and not tired at all, so I wouldn't let him sleep until 3am. I also need to stop being so aggressive when we hook up, I'm always bruising him (but I think he secretly likes it). New development - he now has a toothbrush at my place, so I guess that means we're getting more serious. He spent the night and we slept in until I had to go to brunch the next morning.

He's so cute and good to me when he stays over. It makes me happy thinking about all the sweet little things he says and does. Hopefully I get to see him before I leave for my trip. I also want to invite him out to this thing my friend is having down in Pescadero - I think he would like it. I would say last night was a success and I'm looking forward to getting closer to him in the future.

fun with psychics, part 2.

I am posting this for Joel, who keeps nagging me via gChat. Yay! I finally made my follow-up appointment with my psychic, Mia. She's seriously amazing - I love her so much! There's so much warmth and kindness around her. I had made up my mind that I wanted to talk about work (boy do I owe you an honest entry about work) and about things with the boy because I was confused and I didn't have therapy for another week. When I got there, I was assuming she wouldn't remember me. I mean, we do all our appointment setups over the phone and I only ever give her my first name, but when I walked in she totally remembered me. Not only that, she had bought me a gift! She got me a book and said it would help me with my "servant" tendencies (it's an archetype, look it up). During my first reading we talked about how I'm always giving and giving to the people men in my life and how I frequently don't know how to ask for what I want. I can even see myself doing it with POP. Like, when we're in bed, I always ask him what he wants. He always responds with, "what do you want?" and then I say "whatever you want." UGH. Servant. Haha. Maybe we're both servants. I don't know. ANYWAY.

I asked about work first. I'm getting a new boss and lately I just haven't felt like I'm growing in my role and I'm afraid I won't get any responsibility and that I'll always be left behind, which seems to be a theme with me at my job. Mia told me not to worry about the new boss - she's not trying to make trouble or step on anyone's toes. She advised me to help shepherd her through the new role, since she's nervous, and if I make myself valuable to her, that will be good for me. She also told me that the only way I will get more responsibility is to ask for it. She did say there will be a tremendous amount of change on the team in the coming year with people shifting teams, organizations merging, and a lot of new processes and projects. Basically, the outlook is pretty positive as far as she can tell.

Then POP. I'm ashamed to admit that most of the session was about him. It makes me feel like a bad feminist AND I'm sure 75% of you are judging me like whoa for going to a psychic for love advice, but whatever. I believe in this stuff and I like using any means necessary to inform my decisions. Basically, she advised me not to give up on him because he's going through some things and trying to do some soul-searching and he's not sure what he wants. She said that he has tremendous potential to love me in the way I need and deserve to be loved. She stressed over and over again that he's not cheating on me or lying to me - there are no other women but me (glad that turned out to be true). She also said he's extremely attracted to me - on both a physical and intellectual level. She said he has no qualms about dating or marrying/having babies with a black woman. She gets the sense that he loves my difference and that makes him more attracted to me (but not in a creepy fetish way). She stressed that he's interested in a long-term relationship, but that the only way we will get there is if we talk it out and work out our differences. She couldn't tell me if it would be a long relationship, but she says if it doesn't work out it won't be because of anything crazy, but merely because we decide not to work on our relationship.

One thing that totally threw me was the knew SO much without me telling her. She asked if we worked at the same company because she sensed that he's worried about our work connection and that he's trying to make sure that I'm not batshit insane since he values his job and doesn't want any drama at work. She also asked me if he was Caucasian because she saw differences in our backgrounds. She mentioned some other stuff that I didn't tell her about - his brushes with anti-Semitism and how they've shaped him and his limited number of relationships. She advocated for working things out because she sees him as a good person with a good heart who can give me a lot of what I desire.

Also, she told me that my emotional age is 34! Haha and it's gone up since we last spoke. She says I seem so happy and there's a glow about my aura that wasn't there before. She told me that I'm making fabulous life decisions and that things are going well. All in all, a really good reading!

long overdue love life update.

I owe you a lot of updates, but the one I keep getting IMs about is what's going on with me and POP. I'd been hemming and hawing about what to do about him for a while now. I was so upset with him canceling our plans and then going MIA that I wasn't sure what to do about it. However, every time I calmed down and read my texts from him and thought about what happened when we hung out, I felt like I was crazy. I mean, nothing happened between us that was negative - when we were together, he was attentive, sweet, and kind. He would make time for me when he was busy and he never seemed unhappy to see me, but rather the opposite. It was really the communication piece that was missing and the fact that he canceled one date. My life coach (aka my coworker LE) advised me not to give up on things and to give him the benefit of the doubt. Other friends told me to give him the brush-off, my bestie included. I was pretty conflicted and had no idea what to do.

So I waited. I just decided to do nothing since I knew I needed to think about it. That, plus a visit to my psychic (for a separate reason and I'll post on that later), kind of solidified things for me. I know the kind of person I am - I need closure. I'm not good at fading away and I'm not good at turning my back on people I care about, whether they deserve it or not. The plan was to invite him over for a home-cooked dinner and lay my shit on the line. I texted him and asked him to come over this week because I really wanted to see him and I would make dinner. I bought all the fixings for a nice vegetarian dinner (he's not a big meat-eater), sexy underwear (because I'm always thinking about getting laid... although my period ruined that plan), and wrote out a little outline of my thoughts.

He came over around 8:30pm and I was a fucking shitshow. The chili I made was ridiculously spicy so I was worried that he would hate it and me and everything (perfectionism rears its ugly head). I told him that I thought it might be realllly spicy and he was like "awesome!" That made me feel better. So I fed him - veggie chili with cornbread (added frozen corn to the mix and some honey). He loved it and had seconds and told me I was awesome for cooking for him. He totally didn't expect it - I think he thought I'd wait for him and we'd cook together. We chatted about random shit - our jobs, his nervousness about our performance review coming up, our parents, etc etc. I just couldn't bring myself to bring it up. Then we moved to the den to sit in the candlelight and I still couldn't bring him up. I asked him if he wanted to lay down and we got to cuddling in my bed. He was really quiet, so I figured I'd go in for it.

I can't remember the exact conversation, but basically I told him that I thought he was getting tired of me due to his latest mood and lack of communication. He told me that wasn't the case and that he's just been really stressed about work and his performance in addition to feeling anti-social. I'm a moody person myself, so I get that. I still wasn't satisfied, though so I wanted to probe more. I asked him point blank if he was seeing anyone else and he told me no. He then asked if I was seeing anyone and I told him I wasn't. Then I told him that I really liked him. "I really like you," he told me, which made me very very relieved. I'm just so glad that he's not seeing anyone else and that he likes me. We spent about a half-hour lying in each other's arms just quiet, until he asked me if I wanted to talk or watch TV. We had a serious discussion about how we're not sure we're fulfilling our life's dreams and what we need to do to feel satisfied. It gave me a little more insight into what's going on in his head right now. I wanted to hook up but he told me he wasn't feeling very sexy at the time (he'd been feeling under the weather during the day), so just more cuddling.

We did a little bit of work and then he got into bed with me and he pretty much did a complete 180 from not wanting to get it on. He was definitely more handsy and frisky than normal, which would've been great had I not had my period. We spent a few hours rolling around in bed, which I love doing because he always compliments me and respects me and just makes me feel really safe and secure and wanted. He holds my hand and kisses my eyelids and rubs my shoulders and it just feels so nice and warm. He's one of the few men that I can just lay in bed for hours with and feel completely and totally blissful. We even fall asleep holding hands, with his arm around me and our bodies intertwined. For those of you who know me, I *hate* sleeping touching anyone. Normally, I have sex and then roll over as far away as I can get. Withe him it's different.

I guess where I net out is this - we're going to take things slowly. I don't want to rush, I don't want to throw out ultimatums and I don't want to stress. I just want to enjoy where this is going and get to know each other in a real way. I think he's trying to be more communicative. He sent me an email today at work with a link to something he thought I would like that had to do with history and documentaries and we finally exchanged personal email addresses. I've invited him to my party this weekend and I'm pretty sure he's going to go, so that'll be another big moment. I was also promised pre-birthday sex, which I am greatly looking forward to. So yeah, that's where I am right now. I feel pretty good about things for the moment and I'm just happy to know that we like each other and we're not dating anyone else.

i know i need to post.

I'm soooo tired and I know I should update on my life, but I have no energy. The quick update is that I finished my event and I'm really happy about that. I saw my psychic and I'm also really happy about that - she gave me some peace of mind (more on that later). Lastly, tomorrow night I'm cooking dinner for POP and we're going to talk. I'm excited and nervous and really scared about chatting with him. I don't know what I'm going to say or how to act - I just want to see him and laugh with him and talk to him and lay in bed together. I miss all those things. Anyway, my house needs cleaning and my hair needs twisting, so off I go!

will i ever know what i want to be when i grow up?

Things at work have been interesting lately. My team is changing a LOT. Over this year, we've grown from a team of 14 to a team of 26! Holy effing shit. It's crazy! There are just so many new people
now and so much change. I'm getting a new manager, which I'm nervous about, and I have no idea what 2012 is going to look like in terms of my job. Lately, I've been trying to think about what I actually want to do when I become an adult (because obviously, even though I'm 25 and live on my own and have a steady income, I have the maturity level of a 16 year old).

I like my job - I really do, but I'm afraid that I'm going to get pigeon-holed and never really get to actually do any real event planning. Especially with all of the hiring that's happening right now. Also, I've been working on large events, which is fun and all, but I really would rather have a few small events to work on so that I could establish my style and get to see the whole process from start to finish. My manager knows this, but there have only been a handful of opportunities for me to really expand. I'm concerned about getting a new manager, who's going to come from corporate America and may have no idea how we do things at my company. I'm scared I'm going to end up being her admin. I knew when I took this job it was definitely going to be a step back for my career trajectory, but I am not trying to be someone's assistant.

Besides those worries, I'm also not sure if I really want to be an event planner in the way I am now. I think I might like the event production side a bit more - it would still allow me to work on amazing events, but it would use more of my organizational skills and give me more of a behind-the-scenes operational role, which is what I'm really good at. Then, there's my obsession with social media and my desire to work in an area that allows me to touch that part of the business. I just have so many interests that I want to explore and it's overwhelming! I know I'm young, but I still feel like it's time for me to start laying the groundwork to become the {insert profession here} that I'm meant to be. I have a feeling 2012 is going to have a lot of soul-searching for me around my career. It's time for me to get my shit together.

argh, too many thoughts!

I really want to write a super-coherent, amazingly analytical post that will blow your mind, but I just have so many things running through my head. Despite my sadness over things with POP, I'm having a pretty fucking awesome weekend, which I will definitely post about later (names will be changed to protect the not-so-innocent). I'm really feeling at home and safe in San Francisco - I feel like This Is It. This is where I'm meant to be and I'm enjoying that certainty. I'm actually ridiculously happy here, despite my fucked up love life and my recent nagging doubts about my career, all topics I will be sure to discuss over the coming week, if I have any time away from my event.

As far as POP is concerned, I've cooled down a bit thanks to the advice of some friends. My best friend made me cry (and I'm tearing up right now when I think about it) due to all of her love and support of my ridiculous craziness. Seriously, girlfriend deserves a medal for dealing with my shit. If you guys think I'm vulnerable in this space, you have no idea. She's seen every single ugly side of me and still wants to be my friend. I'm just so happy that we found each other and that finally, after a childhood full of brothers and a ton of male friends, I have a true sister. I may never know what it feels like to love a man, but I've learned a lot about love from my friends.

One of the things I've learned about myself since seeing a therapist is that I am a grade-A control freak. The crazy thing is, I've always thought that I was the most introspective person on the planet and that I knew myself better than most people do, and yet something so glaringly obvious was totally unclear to me for so long. I viewed my lists and schedules as a way to organize my life, without necessarily realizing that it was my way of keeping a iron fist over everything. I need to cede control and just live. I need to allow for the possibility of ambiguity and uncertainty. I need to trust in other people and give them the chance to show me who they are without typecasting them. I need to allow people to make mistakes - to allow myself to make mistakes. I can be so rigid sometimes that I really need to let go and just be. No agenda, no list, no plan, no schedule. You have no idea how difficult that is for me to do, but it's necessary if I ever really want to grow.

melancholy, again.

I'm tired of dating. I am so sick of it - the whole prospect just depresses me. You get really nervous about how things are going to go. Then things go pretty well and you're really happy - cautious, but happy. Then things go better and you start to lose that caution and get caught up in the sweeping nature of it all. You have someone to chat with, hold hands with, have meaningful conversations, and get intimate with. Sex happens and you grow closer and you start to feel good. Then, all of a sudden - the doubts. Unanswered texts, canceled plans, lack of enthusiasm on your partner's part. Anxiety is your middle name and you can't stop thinking about why that person finds it so easy to stop thinking about you. I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I go from one extreme to the other. I date boys that fucking LOVE me and want to be with me all the time, but that I could care less about. Then I date guys that I fall head over heels for and who seem to have nothing more than a passing interest in me. It's really brutal out here. Nothing about it is easy. I just want to give up and stop toying with myself and my emotions.

There's that Albert Einstein quote that I find particularly applicable in this situation. "Insanity - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Clearly, I am insane. A complete and total mental basket case. I don't know why I do this to myself. Why I put myself through this time and time again, hoping for better. There is no better. At least not for me. There is only this. I suppose I should just embrace it - drink myself silly until I go crazy, insane, or write the most epic shit I can. There are so many things I'm good at, maybe I should just try doing some of them and forget the relationship thing. Maybe I should just start sleeping with people indiscriminately again. It doesn't really fulfill you, but it does keep your bed warm and allows me to do a lot of the things I'm good at ;-) My good friend at work sent this to me on Friday and it's totally how I feel right now.

I don't even want to elaborate about my current situation, but here's the basic rundown. I feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder from POP lately. We hung out on Thursday and things were good - or I thought they were. There was some weirdness, but I thought we had a good time, we had sex, we cuddled, plans were made for the weekend. Come today, plans are canceled and we're going to "hang out another time." Yeah, fuck that. I'm over it. Completely and totally over it. I can't chase people - I won't do it. I decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to chase after friends who didn't want anything to do with me. So why the hell would I do it for a guy? Just bullshit. I don't have time for it. Thank goodness my work schedule is a fucking nightmare for the next month. That ought to help keep me busy and not thinking about this. In the meantime, I want alcohol and carbs. Going to work on that.