quick check-in!

I am crazy busy right now, but I feel like I should say something so you all know I'm not dead. This past week has been insane. Vegas for work, followed by rural Maryland for bachelorette party fun (more on that later), now I'm home in SF working on an event for my new manager. Spent all of today at the site until I had to leave early to go to the emergency room because I have a rash all over my body. UGH, GROSS. Of course this happens when I have 3 social events I want to go to and look cute at. Just when I was starting to feel a little attractive, God goes and knocks me on my ass. Hopefully tomorrow I look less creepy after having my antibiotics.

Needless to say, I'm in for Halloween. Also ran into The Blexican at the event site today. Crazytown! I don't even know what to say about that. Maybe I'll talk about it later. Happy Halloween, kids! Stay classy!

panic!

I am having a mild panic attack at my desk right now. I feel like shit just got real at work and I'm excited, yet terrified. Plus, I'm making all these social commitments and it's like I can feel the walls closing in. I had my first meeting with my new manager and I'm really excited. She wants to ramp me up FAST. Which means a lot of work. I'm nervous and scared about failing, but also really looking forward to the kinds of events she does and the client groups that she supports. Going back to working with engineers!

As a result of our meeting, next week is crazy for me. I now have an event to staff so I'll be out of the office Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I'm also trying to up my involvement with my alma mater and the black folks of SF, so I've got two events to attend for those things. Then sex ed training for the whole weekend. I'm also becoming an advisor for my sorority, working on PR and Marketing. It just seems like a lot of stuff to take on. I hope I'm up to it.

Felt a bit lonely today, which was hard. I'm trying to monitor my feelings and what triggers them - not really sure where this comes from. Although I have no idea where the feeling comes from, I'm pretty sure I know what it's leading to. I schedule myself like crazy mostly so I don't have to be alone with my own thoughts. It's the easiest way to make sure I don't have a real panic attack.

sex ed, weekend 1.

As mentioned, this weekend, I spent 16 hours learning about sex with perfect strangers. It was absolutely amazing. I've been interested in getting involved in the Bay Area bubble of sex education for a really long time and I'm finally taking steps to do that. My friends put up with my sex chatter, but I only really have one or two close friends who are really as passionate as I am about this (or as open... lol).

So, the class. Day 1 was learning about the program and their philosophies. We learned about some communication techniques and how to listen to people's questions and experiences without any judgment. After lunch, we got into the nitty gritty. Penis in vagina sex, oral sex, anal sex, and fisting! I'm happy to say that I know wayyy more about fisting than I ever thought I would. I even shared my knowledge with my coworkers when we went out for dinner that night. We had lots of small group and partner exercises sprinkled in during the day, which allowed me to get to know some new people. Day 2 we did more communication stuff, then learned about male and female anatomy. We threw out stereotypes about gay/bi/straight men and women, which was actually a really fun exercise - just shouting out all the preconceived notions about those groups. Then, we had panels. The first one was women and they brought out a representative from the straight, gay, and bi communities to talk about their sexuality and experiences. Later in the day, they brought the men out. Ended the day with 15 minutes of porn. It was pretty tame porn, although it was the first time I got to see Buck Angel in action (he's a big time transmale porn star), which was different from what I usually watch. I really did like watching porn that is outside of my usual realm, and it wasn't awkward at all with the people in the room.

I really enjoyed those panels the most, especially the straight, female speaker because she really spoke to a lot of what I was feeling about my own sexuality and my place in the world. I'm a total minority in the class and not just in the racial way. I am a straight, monogamous, cisgendered woman (that means my gender and my sex align - I identify as a woman and I have female parts). Most of the people in the class are bisexual or gay or transgendered or polygamous, etc etc. It made me feel super vanilla. I sleep with men (and only men), have never even so much as kissed a chick, and I don't have simultaneous relationships. I feel like a square. The panelist spoke about her own feelings of lameness, since she was part of this feminist, sex positive community and was one of the few monogamous, straight folks inside of it. That was exactly what I was feeling. She even talked about how she tried to have poly relationships and relationships with women because she felt like she should to fit into the community. I haven't gotten there yet, but I definitely can see how that pressure can exist when you're in a niche community.

All in all, I was super proud of myself. I was quiet on Saturday, but spoke up more on Sunday. I answered a question (someone wanted to know what something meant in Spanish), asked another question about blue balls, and spoke up in small groups. I also didn't do my usual 'talk to no one and be super fucking award' deal. I ate lunch with people on *both* days and it was different people on both days. I even flirted a bit with one of the few straight guys in the program, which is making me feel better about my self-esteem. So yay! Success! Look ma, I'm going to be a sex educator!

long but awesome weekend!

I am exhausted like whoa! I barely got any time to myself this weekend, but it was amazing. This was the first weekend of sex ed training and it was crazy intense. 16 hours of sex education in one weekend. I still feel inundated with all the info. I'm going to post about everything tomorrow - I need to decompress and process before I can really talk about how awe-inspiring it was. One thing I can say - I'm really happy I'm doing it. I feel like I'm getting much exposure to worlds I've only heard about. It's making me fall in love with San Francisco more and more each moment. I really don't think I can ever leave the Bay Area. This is pretty much my home now.

Soooo... weekend! I went out Friday and Saturday night and I think I've rekindled my love of partying. It's time for me to stop being so dull and really go out and have a good time. I'm only 26 for God's sake! I am not old enough to stop partying on a regular basis. I feel like lately I've been so caught up with dating and such that I've forgotten how to have a good time. I also just don't know if I can deal with any more men right now (at least in a substantial way - I still very much want to have sex with them). My desires right now are to go out, get trashed, and do hoodrat shit with my friends. I had fun on Friday night - dinner with the usual crew, followed by drinks and being snarkily judgmental with one of my favorite couples at this random Mission bar. We are really fucking ridiculous and I love it. It was also the first time I've stayed out past 2am in months. That is a sad, sad fact, ladies and gentlemen. I need more nights out in my life. Saturday was girls night out in Palo Alto with the former work crew. Lots of girl talk and gossip and plotting to invade other countries and snatch up all the hotties (Israel, Australia, and England are topping our list right now). It was a much-needed night of girlish chatter.

I am slowly starting to get out of this funk I've been in and I'm really looking forward to mixing it up. I want to meet new people, try new things, FLIRT again, and be my usual super awesome self. Putting some effort into it and really trying to get out there. I miss the girl I used to be in college - I was so much fucking fun and I had such a great time flitting around being me. Now, I am lame. This has to end. I'm cramming my schedule with tons of shit to do and looking forward to it. Right now, my goal is to find something amazingly scandalous and awesome to do for New Years. I have t minus 2 months to solidify my plans! In the meantime, work trip on Wednesday (VEGAS, BABY!!) and then bachelorette weekend in Maryland. Exciting week ahead!

thank god it's friday!

I don't know why, but this week has felt incredibly long. SO glad it's over and done with now. I'm hoping to have a better time of it than last weekend. Hopefully there will be no puking (please, God, no puking!) and no crying - although, if I have to pick, I'll take the crying. I'm actually starting to feel a little bit better about the whole POP breakup thing. Although, he did just pop up in my Google+ feed with some article he posted. I'm trying to be mature, though, and not remove him since he hasn't done anything wrong.

My therapy session was okay, although I was very embarrassed and my heart was pounding when I was talking to her about what happened on Friday. One of the things I realized was that this is the first true breakup I've gone through where it wasn't about anger or being wronged or fighting over power. This was the first time that a guy I liked and had grown attached to had decided he didn't want to be with me. It's harder for me to handle, because I can't really hate him for anything. He didn't do anything wrong to me or play games or treat me like shit. It was just a matter of the two of us being in different places in our life and being two different people. I wish I could hate him because it would make my sadness that much easier to deal with.

I'm sure there will be more men. There are always more men, even when there's a long lull in between them. I know that in my heart, but I just wonder when it will happen. I'm super impatient and I already feel like it's been such a long time. 26 long years, but I'm trying to keep myself busy and think of other things. This weekend I won't really have any time to myself - I start my sex ed training (!!!!), so I will be in class from 10am-6pm both days and then I'm going down to Palo Alto to party with my work loves from my old team.

You can say a lot about me - that I complain a lot and that I get depressed and hopeless about my love life (I do all of those things), but I never sit at home doing nothing. Constant motion!

i'm really afraid to confront my emotions.

I have a therapy session in about two hours and I'm really nervous about it. I think therapy has been a wonderful addition into my life and I've learned a lot about myself so far. I'm starting to deal with my need to always be productive and rigidly scheduled. I've learned where it stems from and I have exercises to help me deal with it. I also have a whole host of tools to help me deal with my stressful job and lifestyle. Today, though, I think it's time for me to deal with my massive insecurities and "servant" personality when it comes to men. I'm scared.

I don't really like being vulnerable, even in front of someone who is trained to deal with vulnerability and who is supposed to help me. I just don't know if I can sit in that room and admit to her how I really feel about myself and the fears I sit with on a daily basis. It's taken a long ass time for me to learn how to control my feelings and function normally. This blog is one of the few places where I'm 100% honest. There are only a few people in this world that truly know me, and I don't think anyone knows me fully and completely. I hide, evade, and smile through a lot of things that bother me. It's what I was taught to do by my mother, who was taught by her mother, etc. So I just hope that I can go in there and describe the emotional breakdown I had last Friday night, without my face burning with shame. We shall see.

it's love your body day!

I totally forgot that today is Love Your Body Day, sponsored by the NOW Foundation. I remember back in college, there were lots of fun activities and giveaways on this occasion, designed as "a day when women of all sizes, colors, ages and abilities come together to celebrate self-acceptance and to promote positive body image." Lately, I've been hating on my body hardcore and punishing it even more - working out like crazy (I've somehow managed to fuck up my foot and my hamstring) and starving it during the day. In the spirit of the day, here are 5 things I love about my body. Hopefully, I can keep these in mind the next time I let all of the media and crazy societal expectations on women's bodies get me down.

1. My body got me through walking a half-marathon. I've never really felt awe and wonder over my body until I walked 13.1 miles with absolutely no training. It was the first time that I was amazed by the power of my body and what it could do. At the time when I walked the half-marathon, I hadn't exercised in a year and was definitely nowhere near being in shape. Yet, I was still able to finish the marathon in a decent amount of time, without collapsing or any major malfunctions. Yay body!
2. I have a pretty amazing rack. Not to brag or anything, but my boobs are kind of awesome. I am pretty much obsessed with them. I know I'm not in the minority though, because I've heard it from every dude I've ever hooked up with, as well as a large number of gay men and straight women. 
3. My head is shaped really nicely - allowing for a wide variety of hairstyles. I remember stressing out about cutting off all my hair and JazzGirl told me that I had a Nefertiti head and it would look really good when I cut it. I thought she was crazy, but sure enough - I cut it down to like 1/4 of an inch and it looked pretty damn good! I've gone from long extensions to short braids to a chin-length bob to barely any hair at all and each style has looked completely natural. Glad to know I have the flexibility to switch my hair up!
4. I have an extremely regular period. Haha I don't know why I chose to include this, but my period is like clockwork - always on time, never late, completely predictable. I'm amazed at the rhythm my body keeps and how it just operates on its own schedule, no matter what. I also have an alpha period - which means that I tend to bend my friends' periods to my schedule. Love it! Alpha female!  
5. I love my facial features. Most of you know that I'm proudly on Team No Makeup. I can count on two hands the number of times I've gone out with a full face of makeup on (I honestly don't even really know how to use foundation or concealer). I wear mascara and lipgloss sometimes, but most days I am completely barefaced. This is who I am, this is what I look like, and I'm damn proud of it. I don't know how I ended up this way - my mother is a makeup FREAK - but I've rarely felt the need to wear any, even when I clearly need to be wearing some, lol. I might look like a zombie 99% of the time, but I don't give a shit. What you see is what you get.

I encourage you all to love your bodies! =)

craziest thought of my life.

I can't believe I'm writing this. If I didn't seem batshit insane to you for the past week, this might do it...

Last night, I got home from dinner and decided that I didn't want to be my usual, OCD self and go through another list. I wanted to watch television, damnit! So I did - I started going through my DVR and ended up watching missed episodes of Modern Family, Real Housewives of New Jersey, and Parenthood. Somewhere in the middle of Parenthood, I had this crazy thought - "I want a child." I know this thought may not seem crazy at all because most of you know I want kids, but this was more like, "I want a baby in my belly RIGHT NOW!" kind of thing. Needless to say, it freaked me out. Because I'm an imaginative little fuck, I started picturing myself pregnant with some sperm donor's baby. I thought about pushing my little baby in a stroller, taking her (it's always a girl) for walks in Golden Gate Park, changing her diapers. I started to have the whole Gilmore Girls fantasy - amazingly awesome yet quirky single mother, conquering the world with her daughter. It looked appealing as hell, and in that moment I made a promise to myself that in four years, if I still feel emotionally unsatisfied and nowhere near being in a relationship, that I'm going to do it. I'm going to have a baby and live (half of) the life I've always wanted.

In the harsh light of day, I still think I'm insane and that these thoughts were crazy, but I know how I operate. This is how things start with me - little seeds of an idea, planted when I'm not even really thinking, that grow into actual real goals and pursuits. Moving to California, becoming an event planner, working for my current company - all crazy pipe dreams in my mind that came true. Plus, having a baby at 30 is not that crazy of an idea.

you take the good, you take the bad...

... you take them both and then you have - the facts of life! ::sings:: Am I the only person that loved that show growing up? Yes... okay, I'll stop, then. Anyway, lately I've been drawing upon a popular sorority exercise we used to do when we were deciding what girls to take into the house. We called it pro-con-pro - basically for each person, you would list a pro, someone else would list a con, and then someone else would list a pro. Always end on a positive note! I've basically done that with the most pressing issues in my life and posted it here. It's probably hella dull to anyone who isn't me, but I like getting things out on paper/the web.

1. Sex education
• Pro: I GOT INTO THE SEX TRAINING I WANTED TO GET INTO! Sorry for the caps, but I'm really excited. They only took 20 people and like 50 applied, so I'm so happy. I'm going to be a sex educator. This is really happening!
• Con: I am going to be in training Saturday and Sunday from 10am-6pm every other weekend until mid-December.
• Pro: I can finally get serious about my interest in sex education and start working on my side hustle, which is going to be centered around sex education for African-American youth and women.
2. Appearance
• Pro: My skin has cleared up and is back to its smooth appearance, sans makeup.
• Con: I am a fat cow. I do not feel at my healthiest, since my weight is at an all-time high.
• Pro: I've been getting serious about diet and exercise - not just training, but going in on my own for cardio and minimizing my carb and alcohol intake.
3. Dating
• Pro: I set up a profile online again and I'm trying to start chatting with boys who seem interesting.
• Con: POP started checking his online dating profile again, for the first time since we started dating each other. It was kind of hard to see. Also, no one good is interested in me right now, so that's demoralizing. 
• Pro: Umm, I'm not dead? LOL I don't know. I can't think of any other pros in this area. I will try. 
4. Career
• Pro: I'm going to SXSW and all these other projects are getting dropped into my lap!
• Con: The one huge administrative task I have to work on (our team site) is draining my energy and as a result, I haven't been doing it. My boss is probably going to be on my ass about it soon.
• Pro: I truly feel like a valued member of the team and I'm really starting to kick off my career in events. It feels good to enjoy my job and to get to do fun, new, exciting things all of the time.
5. Friendships
• Pro: I have really good friends. Friends who clean up my vomit and listen to me whine 24/7. I don't know how I ended up with such great people in my life.
• Con: I feel like I'm drifting from some of my friends because our lives are in different places and I don't know if I'm comfortable with that. I worry that in two years, I'll have a completely different set of friends.
• Pro: I've been making a lot of new friends and getting closer to folks I would've considered only acquaintances. I'm shocked at how fast my network is growing.

hot mess.

Seriously, people, I am a complete freaking mess. I don't know what happened to me this weekend, but I totally lost my shit in public and had a ridiculous freakout. I am SO embarrassed - I've never been this ashamed in my life of my behavior. I'm just glad I have good friends who - hopefully - won't hold this against me and will still continue to invite me to things and spend time with me.

As I mentioned before, I decided to go to this top secret all-white picnic in San Francisco on Friday night. So we got the location - it was in Golden Gate Park - and my coworkers and I changed into our white dresses and headed to North Beach to drop off our stuff and grab food for the picnic. I had a little bit of wine at work happy hour, and then the three of us split a bottle at the apartment. We got to the picnic and it was stunningly beautiful - all white everything, lots of lights, an orchestra playing. Gorgeous and AMAZING. It was cool to see so many people and there were fancy picnic baskets and even people grilling food at their tables. It was beautiful. We met up with some of A's friends there and started drinking. I only had like a glass of champagne, some more red wine and then some white, but for whatever reason (probably my period - actually, definitely my period), I just got super fucking drunk and emotional and crazy. I left the group for a bit and cried like a baby for like 20 minutes in public, while texting/calling my oldest friends from back home. It was not pretty at all.

I ended up going home - I think I took a cab back. I had been talking to MB and she could tell that I was totally not in my right mind, so she said she'd come over. When I got home, I ended up vomiting all over my apartment. Like not the classy in the bathroom vomiting, but like all over my den. So when MB got there, I was just a mess and she helped me clean everything up and got me into bed and that was the night. I feel AWFUL making her come all the way to my apartment only for me to be violently ill and her to have to clean it up. I don't even remember what I said to her or what I was doing. It was a nightmare.

I just couldn't stop crying and feeling so completely alone and ugly and disgusting. All the self-hatred that I have inside just came bursting out. I started thinking about the break-up and about how hard it is to find anyone who's attracted to me. I'm at an all-time high weight-wise, for a while my skin was going out of whack, my hair is crazy and I just feel so unattractive. I live in one of the whitest places ever, work in one of the whitest industries ever, and I just feel so out of place. I think I've finally snapped. I'm pretty sure POP has broken my spirit. Only two men before him have ever done that - TG and The Intellectual - but I've really hit rock bottom now. It's weird - I've never had any delusions of being pretty or desirable, which is why I've worked so hard to be funny, dynamic, captivating, intelligent, and good in bed, but some days I wish I was either pretty or dumb. I think that would make life easier. If I was dumb, I wouldn't want so much from a partner - education, good job, etc - and I could settle. If I was pretty, I could get what I wanted always. Either option sounds much better than what I'm currently experiencing. Oh well, this is what God has given me to work with, so I'm just going to work with it.

I think I'm going to be fine. I'm a former cutter who has suffered through at least two bouts of depression and this doesn't feel like that. I'm not sleeping all day or hacking myself up with a razor, so I think it's all good. I know the signs for when shit gets really bad and I don't feel that way right now. I think maybe I just needed to hit that dark place to really move on and grow from it. I'm going to start listening to my body (which has been telling me not to drink for the past two weeks) and I'm just going to work on me for a little bit, exploring the interests I have and taking care of myself. I don't like feeling this way, so I've decided that I'm simply not going to feel this way. I am going to make the changes I need to make and stop feeling awful about things that I can't control. Power of positive thought.

sexsexsex

Just so you know, this is going to be far less interesting than the title would make you think. I'm still single and not having any sex for the foreseeable future, so don't get excited. However, I am renewing my interest in being a sexual pioneer in the black community - I want to learn as much as I can about sex and I want to teach young women of color how to value themselves and their bodies andshow them that there's nothing shameful about asking questions about sex.

Last night, I went to the Our Bodies, Ourselves panel with one of my favorite feminist friends, SM. It was awesome to hear about from women who are passionate about female sexuality and education. I'm more excited than ever to go to the San Francisco Sex Institute orientation this weekend, where I'll learn about their sex ed program and hopefully get accepted! I'm really starting to feel so much passion around this topic and I see a void in that area for women of color. I rarely see women that look like me on these panels or doing research or speaking about sex in an educational way. I know part of it is the cultural background - I even cringe when I think what my own mother would say about my interest in this topic - but when we're dying of HIV and AIDS and when young black men and women don't know what their contraceptive options are, it's time to stop being ashamed to talk about this stuff.

So yeah, I am basking in the warm glow of sex-positive feminism right now. I'm currently reading The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by the amazing Tristan Taormino (if I could meet her, I would be over the moon) and trying to bulk up my sex knowledge. Today's reading was about enemas, which made me wildly uncomfortable, but I want to learn about everything - the good, the bad, the dirty. I think I finally found my way to contribute to society in a meaningful way. I'm excited!

a quote.

"Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be." Willie Rodriguez

Saw this on my cousin's tumblr today. 75% of me wants to be like fuck yeah! 25% of me wants to be like fuck you, Willie.... lol. I promise I'll post something more substantial later, but just wanted to get this out there. Too long for Twitter. =)

untitled.

I almost cried on the bus today because of course I stay listening to sad ass songs in the morning. This is a really idiotic thing to do - I know - but I can't help it. When you're in a sad place, you don't always want to put on Bieber or Miley and have a dance party. Instead, I'd prefer listening to sad showtunes, Norah Jones, Billie Holiday, and my new favorite, Nat King Cole's "Smile" - Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile even though it's breaking... Light up your face with gladness. Hide any trace of sadness. Although a tear may be ever so near...

On the bright side, I got inundated with work today and I feel like I have so much on my plate. I'm starting to get that weird, hyperventilatey feeling in my stomach where I'm like OMG HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS, but it's also super exciting and crazy. I currently have two events I'm working on - one is huge (SXSW) so I'm just helping - and the other is a small dual event in San Francisco and DC that I'm managing on my own. More travel =) I'm also planning our team offsite, leading the revamp of our team website, and working on a new internal registration system. I guess I'm just kind of hoping that all this work makes the time go faster. When I was growing up, my parents always said I was wishing my life away, hurrying through things and wishing for time to speed up. I feel that way now. The faster it goes, the less time I have to think and dwell, and then before I know it - *poof* it's done. So pile it on - I can take anything that's thrown at me, no complaints, no arguments. I have a feeling that 2012 is going to be an important year for me in some way. I don't know how yet, but I'm so ready for it.

it really needs to stop raining...

Because when it rains, I want to be super melancholy and hole up in my apartment, listening to Billie Holiday and drinking copious amounts of alcohol. For a girl who was recently dumped, this is not the best of moods to be in. So come on weather, get better so I can feel better!

There are some really awesome things happening this week. though. First of all, I'm going to be on a panel of participants from the Our Bodies Ourselves 40th anniversary project - ya know, the one where we spent a month talking about our sexual experiences and dating. I have three quotes attributed to me in the book, from the relationships section. I talk about dating frustrations, what I'm looking for, and my experiences with interracial relationships (including my love for Jewish men). I'm excited to get the book (which shockingly, I've never read) and to meet other people who are passionate about the project. I want to start really getting serious about my work around sex education. This is one of the first steps. Then, on Friday night, I'm going to this crazy flash-mob all-white dinner party with my co-workers! I'm super excited - it's going to be a ton of fun. Will definitely post pictures.

Emotionally, today was rough. I think it was the first day that I legitimately missed POP, where I was like "oh it would be nice to have a chat with him and spend some time together." I hate that feeling, but I suppose it's natural. You don't just forget about someone you cared for a week later. I guess it's just hard to feel really lonely. I also think I miss The Blexican - not him, but what he represented. Someone to text and bother all day, knowing that they wanted to hear from me. Sometimes I think that settling wouldn't have been a bad thing - at least I'd still have a person to fill that role in my life. But then I know how I am and how miserable I would've been in that situation. Not that it's not somewhat attractive... oh well. I think I'll have a drink.

on new ventures.

I've been feeling incredibly inspired lately. I really want to find my calling and take the time to explore my varied interests. I think there's a large part of me that really is ready to grow up and to live a more adult life. To balance my checkbook, tidy up my apartment, stock my kitchen and cook in it, find a relationship, and live my life to the fullest. Not only that, I want to write more and more seriously than I have been.

I'm quite fond of this little corner of the internet that I've created for myself and my readers, but sometimes I wonder if I'm not giving too much of myself to it. Writing and maintaining this blog is an extremely emotional experience - I pretty much put 95% of myself out here to be judged and evaluated. It's hard and painful at times, and probably a little bit foolish considering what the fallout could be if certain people found it. I'm not ashamed of anything I choose to disclose here, but I'm also not an idiot. I know that once you put something in writing, it becomes a living, breathing thing that can never truly die. It's out there for the world to see and you have to live with that.

Besides the emotional vulnerability, I often wonder if the energy I channel into this space wouldn't be better served elsewhere. I've always wanted to take my experiences and my thoughts and write a book about what it's like to be twenty-something in today's world. The good, the bad, the ugly - dating, working, friendship, family. All of the little observations that I make as I go through my life and hear about my friend's lives - I want to do something with that. Something that will live forever and that I can put my name on. This will obviously never truly be the vehicle for that.

I'm not saying that I'm going to stop writing here because truthfully, I do need the outlet. I'm just saying that the older I get and the more I grow, the more I think I may keep certain things to myself or use them as fodder for something else, like a novel or a book. I don't know how this will change the landscape of this blog (and it probably won't happen immediately), but I'm toying with the idea of what kind of writer I want to be. It's an interesting question and I'm dying to figure out the answer.

seriously, mindy kaling has changed my life.

Read this. No, really. Read it. I always knew I liked Mindy Kaling - her tweets are amazing, as is her role on The Office, but reading this article made me realize how much I love her. I cannot wait for her book to come out in November. If you didn't have the time to read the article, what I got out of it is that I need to stop dating boys and start dating men.

I honestly don't know if I've ever really dated a man. I probably have, but it was always short-lived. There was The Engineer (he was definitely a man - in his 30s, settled, and he took me out on adult dates). Then there was the random 34 year old I went on one date with in New York. He was also a man, but at the time I was a girl and so it didn't really work out. The dudes I've dated the longest have definitely been boys. TG seems like the eternal manchild for reasons I don't even want to get into (you've probably already read them, if not search TG or Tech Guy). The Blexican was a man in the sense that he wanted commitment and a real relationship, but in terms of ambition and career, I still felt like he was a boy. And then there's POP - definitely a boy, and a confused one at that. After all of this, I think I've finally gotten to the point where I need someone established.

"I’m not talking about commitment to romantic relationships. I’m talking about commitment to things—houses, jobs, neighborhoods. Paying a mortgage. When men hear women want a commitment, they think it means commitment to a romantic relationship, but that’s not it. It’s a commitment to not floating around anymore. I want a guy who is entrenched in his own life. Entrenched is awesome.So I’m into men now, even though they can be frightening. I want a schedule-keeping, waking-up-early, wallet-carrying, picture-hanging man."

I don't really deal well with dudes who don't have their shit together. I am by no means perfect or even 100% together myself, but when I reflect on my life and the choices I've made in the past year, I'm really getting there. I moved to SF and got my own apartment. I switched jobs and am now working in a career that is much more suited to my personality and I see a real future. I make good money, I've started saving for a house, and I have a nice circle of friends and acquaintances here. I have no desire or intention to ever leave the Bay Area and I'm ready to start the next phase of my life here. So I need to stop dating guys who can't keep jobs, or have dead-end jobs, or who think that "I'm going to be in Tahoe every weekend" is a reasonable excuse to break up with someone. I need a man who wants to be in a relationship, who has room and space for someone in their life, and whose life is stable.

With that, I'm back on the market, looking for a guy whose in his 30s (although serious 20somethings may inquire), knows what he wants our of life, has a job that he's passionate about, and who is looking to be serious with a woman. Most importantly, if he realizes that he's with the wrong woman, he should be man enough to end it and not string me along for all eternity. I am so over dating boys.

work: it's complicated.

The past month or so has been a huge roller-coaster ride for me and my job. I've been elated and excited and then deflated and depressed. I kept questioning if I was doing the right thing in changing careers and wondering if I'd be sidelined forever. Lately, though, I've been feeling a lot happier about my current line of work. Last week, I supported on one of the most awesome events my company does and it restored my faith and love in this industry. Getting to be onsite and seeing all the amazing experiences we created made me so proud to do what I do and also made me fall back in love with my company. It made me want to learn and grow and really become a true event planning professional. However, even with those feelings, I wondered if I would ever get the chance to truly shine and step out on my own.

College BFF and I have a theory about our lives. Whenever we experience a romantic setback, it is always followed by some kind of professional win. When her first trip into the online dating world got met with rejection, she got a job the very next day. Right now, I'm in the same boat - I get dumped by the first guy in a while to stir some kind of feeling inside of me and then yesterday my boss told me that I get to work on South by Southwest next year, which is a personal dream of mine! She also told me that I'll get to work on the Global Sales Conference, potentially help out with the Republican/Democratic conventions, AND get a small product group to support next year and really help me grow. I seriously could not stop smiling for the rest of the day. I even called my parents, which is a rare thing indeed.

Part of the reason I've been so nervous lately is that there is so much change happening on my team. We're going from a team of like 14 people, to a team of 28. I'm getting a new manager and I've completed all of the events I was slated to do this year. I just felt like I had no clear concept of what the future was going to hold for me. Now, I have an inkling and it's a good one. It's scary as fuck (what if I fail? what if I suck at this?), but it will tell me once and for all if this is what I'm meant to be doing with my life. Please God, don't let me fuck it up.

another break-up.

It's official! POP and I are broken up and I'm single again (but was I ever really not single?). I'm shockingly not all that upset about it. In the past, I would've stayed home from work and moped around in bed. Instead, I went out last night for drinks and catching up with DH, which was fun. This morning, I got to work fairly early and did some work. I went to the gym and I've been eating well today (eat that salad, no dessert!) and I feel okay. Am I bummed? Yes, of course I am. I'm human. But, I'm trying not to let it get to me - onward and upward! I've had a multitude of talks with a lot of my friends, reaffirming that I make the best friendship decisions ever. Why are my friends so awesome? I really am a horrible person, so I don't know why I manage to attract goodness and light into my life in the form of my awesome friends, from high school through to San Francisco.

I'm still kind of in my 'fuck relationships - I'm going to die alone and HAPPY' phase, but I think that's because my two best friends from two of my formative phases in my life (high school and college) have similar outlooks. I really admire my High School BFF for his undying commitment to his medical career and his ability to compartmentalize his love life. If only I could be more like him, I'd be running things by now. Of course, he is a man (and an openly gay one at that), so the pressure on him to get married and be in a committed relationship isn't quite the same, but I admire him nonetheless. College BFF just makes me laugh and she's really the only person I know of who understands my situation 100% - young, black, female, upwardly mobile, chronically single and tired.

So what happened? I get a text from him on Sunday asking if I want to go to lunch and we decide to meet up in our neighborhood. I just had this feeling that we were going to break up. I started laughing giddily and jumping around (because I guess that's how I react to breakups nowadays) and College BFF had to give me a virtual smackdown to tell me to calm the fuck down. Because both POP and I are cowards, we didn't discuss the email during the first hour of our lunch. We caught up and talked about normal, everyday things. Then we took a walk and ended up in the Panhandle, right near my apartment and he finally brought up my email.

Basically, he said he's not ready for a commitment and he has no idea what he wants at this point in his life. He says he really likes the time we spend together and we always have fun, but he's just not ready to turn it into more and doesn't want me to wait around. He told me that he's going to Tahoe like every single weekend this winter and so it's not really the time for him to be in a relationship. He didn't want to resent me for needing more time with him. He told me that he really likes my energy, "You're such a happy person and you have so many interests and you love talking about them and sharing them and connecting to people," but he's just not sure we have the potential to be a good match long-term. He confirmed that I'm the first girl in SF he's dated for longer than 2 dates and that he didn't see anyone once we started dating, so I'm happy about that. At the end, he said he just needs to take a break and maybe reevaluate later, but for now he can't give me what I want and doesn't know if it will work. We then had a long talk about our dating stories and past relationships. It was nice to talk about that stuff. After that, I headed home and immediately went back online and started rating guys on OKCupid. I got two messages so far, but I don't know if I'm going to respond to any of them. Considering trolling Craigslist for anonymous sex (OMG I'M SO KIDDING. NOT DOING THAT), but I really do need to get laid stat. This whole situation with POP was ruining my ability to masturbate, so hopefully that's gone, but I really would like a boy in my bed. Preferably a nameless boy that I never have to see again before the hours of 11pm, so if you know anyone, send them my way!

OH- one thing that bothered me about the breakup. He told me that there was something I said that rubbed him the wrong way. Basically, he told me that his friend (a girl) had his spare helmet and so we couldn't go riding on his motorcycle. He said that I told him "you shouldn't hang out with her, you should hang out with me!" and I *cannot* remember saying that. I would never say that. I could give a flying fuck who he spends his time with - I put up with Boat Girl without so much as a peep, so why would I harp on someone harmless. It doesn't make sense. I told him I don't remember saying that and that I am in no way a jealous person and that if he thought that's what I was saying he was mistaken. But I hate that something like that stuck in his head when I certainly didn't mean it like that. Oh well. You can't win 'em all.

who am i?

Whenever I hear that question, I want to shout "JEAN VALJEAN!" Sorry, dorky theatre reference... moving it along. So maybe 6 months ago, I put in a request to the New York State Department of Health Vital Records Section for non-identifying information on my birth parents. I had kind of forgotten about it until the letter came in yesterday. I swear to you, it was like I couldn't breathe. I don't know why I was so nervous - like I said, I only requested the non-identifying information, so it's not like I was really going to be able to do anything with it, but I still felt all anxious. It was like a piece of me was in that envelope and I wasn't sure if I was going to like what I read.

Basically there is no information on my biological father, which I'm sure is typical. I only got prenatal care in the 9th month (WTF, really, mom?!). I was not malformed and she didn't have any other children prior to me. There was some info on her - 18 at time of birth, black, 5'7", 134 pounds, brown hair and eyes, medium brown skin. She was/is a Protestant, had one year of college, and liked music, ballet, and cooking.

Initial thoughts - I'm taller than her and weigh a lot more. The first thing I thought when I read it was "holy shit I need to get to the gym." If she was 134 lbs at time of birth, she's probably a skinny minnie when she's not preggers. Crazy. Yes, that was such a shallow thought, I know. I'm glad she was in college. We don't really have any hobbies in common - I can barely toast bread and the thought of me being a ballerina is laughable at best. I guess the music thing is a similarity. The part of the that really got me, though, was the last three sentences. "The adoption was handled by Catholic Home Bureau. The agency's records were destroyed in a fire. Regrettably, no further information is available."

Does that mean that this is all I have? That I can never get a name? That I'll never really know where I came from? I'm just flabbergasted by it all. I never thought I would be so emotional about it, but I am. I guess I always hoped that someday I could see a picture or hear her name and then I would know something about myself. Now, I'm not sure I'll ever get that chance and it's incredibly painful for me. I haven't given up hope - I'm going to try and see if I can get identifying information and maybe I'll have a chance at learning about my past. I've just always been so obsessed with history - the history of our nation and of my people - that it's hard for me to think that I won't ever know my own history. I don't want to think that I'll never get the chance to unlock my own past. It's too painful to think about.

par for the course

I debated whether or not to write this post, but you all are used to me being an emotional wreck, so let's have a little fun! It's been a rough couple of days in CJ-land. Found out my parents haven't been paying my loans for school, which hopefully won't fuck up my own credit score. I got my non-identifying adoption information today and found out that the records from my agency were destroyed in a fire. Womp womp. The icing on the cake was me baring my soul to POP via email and hearing not a single, solitary peep. It's enough to make a girl want to drink a bottle of whiskey on her own. For whatever reason, though, I've decided to just to have a couple of glasses of wine, which is child's play for me, so I'm pretty fucking sober.

I think I'm going to handle this the way the young CJ would've handled it - with complete and utter calm, steely reserve, and ice water running through her veins. God, I used to be such a robot and I miss it. I miss feeling nothing all the time. I miss not trusting people, not loving people, and being guarded. I miss never letting people see me cry. Instead, I've become this sobbing, whining mess of emotions. Jesus Christ, I fucking hate myself sometimes. All these emotions everywhere - they just seep out of my pores and overwhelm me. The numbness had it's uses and was so comforting in a way. Now, I'm just this awful, emotional, hormonal thing. I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

Me and the menfolk. It's just never simple. It's never going to be simple, is it? I think God likes to play games with me. I spent such a long time never wanting to be with anyone. The very first boyfriend I ever had, I broke up with him a week later because it was too overwhelming and I didn't want it. Why can't I be that person again? Why do I have to want things so badly? Why do I give myself to these men all the time? I just can't do it anymore - I really can't. I feel like I'm always firing on all cylinders, trying to be everything to everyone and doing all these things to please people all the time. Cooking and cleaning and sprucing and primping and caring - it's really the caring that's such a pain in the ass.

I try so hard to grow as a person - to open myself up, to be honest, to be warm and caring and kind, all of those things that I never have been and maybe shouldn't be. Maybe it's just time to see the writing on the wall. This is my life. It's a pretty fucking sweet life. I have a huge apartment, a job that pays well and only gets on my nerves like 45% of the time, and good friends. Maybe that's all I'm meant to have. I mean, you can't always get what you want, right? Instead of trying to find something that doesn't exist for me - that can't exist for me - maybe I should stop searching. I think I'm going about life in the wrong way. Maybe the right thing to do is to stop wanting. To shut down that part of me that wants to be with someone. To accept what God has given me and ask for nothing more.

All I have to say is this - I will rot in the deepest, darkest circle of hell before I let another man humiliate me the way that I've been humiliated this past week (or hell, the past 5 years). If that means that I die alone and my cats eat my corpse, then so be it. I've been waving the flag of the 'reformed slut' lately, but maybe it's time to return to form. Heart closed, legs open.