dominican republic tomorrow.

Words cannot express how excited I am for my Dominican Republic vacation beginning tomorrow. Five lovely days in Punta Cana, where the temperature is hovering in the mid-80s. I have 5 brand new bathing suits and I'm ready to get tan, zen out, and party with my favorite NY work friends! I've been delinquent about blogging lately, mostly because I've been so lazy. Spending most of the days sleeping all day and reading a ton. I don't know why, but something about New York and my parents' house makes me want to do absolutely nothing. Back in SF, I feel like I'm constantly racing and running around, but here it has been really nice to have no plan. I spent most of yesterday getting all my shit together for the trip - buying summer clothes (which is really difficult in December - who knew?!), getting two wigs (!!! new hairstyle alert), and shopping with my favorite coworker, Creeper, who's also coming along to the DR.

There are so many things I wanted to write about this break - body image being first and foremost among them. There's nothing to test your feelings about your body like a Caribbean vacation where you're expected to be scantily clothed. Of course, I didn't pack or do my hair yet, so I should probably work on those things and not spend time blogging about some existential revelation I've had.

I fully plan on blogging daily while I'm in the DR, especially my standard Year in Review and Resolutions for 2012. 2011 was a really good year for me - I solidified my love of San Francisco, I dated two men that taught me a lot about relationships, took a sex education training class and I got more comfortable with my new career as an event planner. I really do think 2012 is going to be even better. I feel more focused and driven and I'm really ready to start making even more meaningful changes in my life.

Can't wait to blog all about them.

Happy New Year!

no, i'm not dead.

I have been slacking on my social media game lately. Not blogging, barely tweeting. It's like being in New York has sucked me into a black hole of ridiculousness. I need to get my work and personal life back on track. I'm supposed to be taking this time to zen out and plan for 2012, but instead I've been running around New York City like a crazed socialite. I hope that keeping my booty on Long Island tomorrow will help me get some work done and get a good night's sleep.

Basic rundown - I got in on Sunday and JFK was being oddly annoying (normally I have excellent flying experiences) and I got back home two hours late and had to be in NYC the next morning for work. I landed to a voicemail from HCP - you know, the guy I had a great date with and then heard crickets from. I guess he's been traveling/crazy at work, but he wants to go out again. Too bad I'm in New York. Annoying. I guess I'll try to chat with him when I get back to SF, but that's like 3 weeks from now. I don't understand men!

Then, I had my first walk of shame to work experience. I went on a date Monday night not really knowing what was going to happen, so of course a ridiculous amount of sex happened. I stayed over his place and then had to go to work the next day wearing my same clothes. Thank God we have showers in our building and I had the foresight to bring a change of clothes. I don't get how it was so easy for me to get a date in a city I don't live in, with a guy I met one time 9 months ago, and yet in SF, I'm struggling. Weird. I also just realized that with that last conquest, I've crossed the 50% mark. I can now say that over 50% of my sex partners are Jewish men. Is this a fetish? I don't understand how this happens. I never cease to be amazed at the guys that are attracted to me. It's probably my low self-esteem, but I just assume that my features and body type appeal to a narrow group of men - mostly black and/or latino - so I'm shocked when other dudes holler at me. ANYWAY, it was a fun night/morning and totally worth being completely out of it the next day.

Now I'm trying to rest. I have so much I could blog about, but I'm exhausted. Just know that I am not dead!

Happy Holidays!

christmas cheer!

I'm watching the Christmas episode of Glee and decorating my apartment. It feels so warm and cozy - I love Christmas! I have a fuckton of cleaning to do tonight in preparation for my holiday gathering, but I'm plowing through. I had a really productive therapy session today, that I'll write allllll about tomorrow. I think my mood is starting to swing back to that good place again and I'm feeling hopeful and happy. Probably the Christmas holiday - it's my fave! My tree is all up and now I just have tons of lights to string and garland and a Christmas centerpiece - I've gone a little crazy with the decor.

Anyway, just checking in since I promised to write more. I have a ton of other shit to update you guys on, including work, my new dating resolutions (keep hope alive!), and my goals for 2012. For now, I just have to get through the next 4 days and then it's off to New York!

today was a little insane.

Today has not been a good day, for a variety of reasons. Let's examine:

1. I have no heat in my apartment and haven't for the past week. It's not getting fixed until tomorrow and hopefully whatever they do works, because it is freezing and I'm having a party this week so I'd like some temperature control.
2. I woke up to the most god awful dream that my mother had died. It was this long, drawn-out dream and I woke up crying, which has never happened to me before.
3. Did a morning workout with my trainer today and thought that I was going to die. I've been working out with her for a long time, but today was just too much for me. Maybe it was the fact that I hadn't eaten beforehand, but I was pretty winded.
4. As a result of the workout, I wasn't feeling all that great when I got home and have been vegetating ever since.
5. I've given up on the boy. He never called, which has of course led me to question everything about myself and dating and life. Nothing I haven't discussed before.

On the plus side, I am done with events for 2011!!!! I am so excited that work is slowing down and I have another 3 weeks or so to bum around, get my life in order, and relax. I'm throwing a Christmas party this week and I have my company party as well. I'm going back to NY next Sunday and I'm really excited to see my friends and family and then there's the Dominican Republic trip for New Years! Cannot wait. 

I'll save my ruminations on dying alone and unloved for another day =) Back to an episode of American Horror Story, which is really the most awesome show ever.

finally, a date in which i didn't do something ho-ish!

Last night, I went on the rescheduled date with Mr. Healthcare Policy (HCP for short) and it was blissfully refreshing and surprisingly adult. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, because he's in his 30s and not a jackwad, but after my last date with the Mission stoner, I wasn't really sure what to expect. We both got there super early, but each of us didn't want to be "that guy" so we waited until 7. He came up to me and I was surprised to find that he was cute, well-dressed, and the height he said he was. Not to get off on a tangent, but WHY do men lie about their height online?! Just be you! I'm not a total height snob, but I want to know what I'm getting into. If your dumb ass tells me that you are 5'9" and you show up looking like an extra from the Lollipop Guild, I am going to be PISSED. Not because you're short - I've dated short guys before - but because you LIED about something that's simple and easy to measure. Shame on you. ANYWAY, he had on a really snazzy coat, which I liked. Lord almighty, I can't tell you how hard it is to find a decently dressed man in San Francisco. They just don't exist. You can ask my friends about the epically awful sweatshirt that POP wore to my birthday party or I can send you some photos of shirts that TG owns. Engineers just don't know what's up when it comes to clothing.

Anyway, he apologized for having to reschedule our previously scheduled date because he was sick and then we wandered around the Mission to find a restaurant for dinner. We were so involved in talking, that we ended up passing our street by 3 blocks. He was really easy to talk to and conversation flowed so naturally. We finally found a restaurant we both wanted to eat in, and sat down to check out the menu. He took his jacket off and I was happy to see that he has really nice broad shoulders. Like, I couldn't help staring at them. I love bulky dudes and probably looked a little too hard, but yeah, broad shoulders *getting mind out of gutter.*

We shared an appetizer and I liked that he let me order what I liked, for both the app and dessert. We talked about our families - he has a nephew and a niece, a little bit about our culture (he's Indian), our friends, why people don't respect blue collar work, differences between NY and SF, and a whole host of other topics. It was so easy to talk to him - effortless. He was an amazing conversationalist, which was much appreciated. I hate boring dates. We shared dessert and I excused myself to go to the bathroom and do a quick time-check, and when I came back he had sneakily gotten the bill from the waiter and put his card down. He wouldn't let me pay, even though it was definitely a $100 meal. We talked a bit more and then we headed out since he had to get back to Berkeley. He walked me to the bus stop, we hugged, and said our goodbyes.

I texted him this morning to say Thanks and tell him I'd like to see him again. So we'll see how it goes. I can't get a read on him yet and I haven't heard back, so now I wait. -_-

sex ed certified!

I did it! I completed my 64 hours of sex ed training and got my certificate! I am totally over the moon about it - the class has totally changed things for me and has really lit the fire under my ass to both explore my own sexuality and start a resource where others can learn about sex. The end of the class was so emotional - we went around and talked about our experiences and how we plan to move forward. It was so touching to see how much sitting in a room for 8 hours a day and learning about sex can really bond you to a group of strangers and give you a sense of purpose.

For me, I'm just really happy that I got to learn about a lot of different sex practices that I only had a vague idea about. As I described myself to the class, I'm "straight, monogamous, and more vanilla than I'd like to be." Not that I want to go crazy or anything, but there are so many awesome sex things I want to explore. Like yesterday, I played with a violet wand (link is totally safe - it's wikipedia)! Electric sex ftw! I doubt I'll make it a regular part of my routine, but even being able to see what that feels like was kind of awesome. I want to be more adventurous - a little kink never hurt anyone!

Then, there is my goal of being a resource for young minority kids who want to learn about sex, but don't have parents or friends they can ask. I want to give them information and gear it towards their communities. I think the fact that there aren't a lot of black/Latina women out there talking about sex and gearing their talks to kids who have questions, concerns, and a lot of misinformation. I really want to be that resource!

After the class, we went to do karaoke at The Mint Lounge. It was fun - got to drink and be a little more relaxed. I'm still really shy and of course I ended up talking to the panelist on fetish, who was definitely wayyy too old for me. I'm sure I'll see him around, but I don't think there's a real "love connection," although I totally want to get it on with a guy 20 years older than me just because I think they'd be really fucking good at it. I was a lot drunker than I anticipated, so I got myself out of there before it got ugly. Then I came home to a ping from a guy that I met at C's wedding in Israel and have kept sporadic touch with. We chatted for like 90 minutes - I don't even know what we were talking about. I was probably rambling and dumb. I am ridiculous when I'm wasted. Not fit for public consumption.

I have a date tomorrow. Supposedly. The rescheduled one from last week. I'm not really excited, which is sad because I was so pumped last week. He's really going to have to bring his A game to get my heart rate up. We shall see =)

dating recap and resolutions

This week, I went on my very first "date" in about 4 months. My second date got rescheduled for next Tuesday (womp womp), but Monday night's date actually happened and it was kind of a relapse for me. I think I'm okay with it, but I'm not really sure. Basically, the dude was so not my type. I mean, he was cute as fuck, but definitely talked like he was high (maybe he was?) and didn't really have much to say. He kept asking me to tell him random facts about myself. I guess that's something people do on dates, but every other date I've been on, we've managed to find common ground without having to resort to that.

Anyway, we met up in Dolores Park and kinda walked around for a bit, talking about nothing. He's a filmmaker and a hip-hop artist - your standard San Francisco Mission kid, which is great, but isn't my thing. I guess I only went out with him because I wanted to circulate and start dating. I've been criticized in the past for my "eggs in one basket" style of dating and my adherence to type, so I thought I'd branch out a bit. I was not interested in him as a person, but physically he was cute and it had been so long since I've been with anyone, so I ended up hooking up with him in the park. Classy, CJ, classy.

On the one hand, I've always wanted to do the whole public-hookup thing. It felt exciting and novel to have to wonder if people were watching us. On the other hand, I don't like doing things with people I don't care about. I think I realized that about myself with this encounter. If I don't like you and respect you and think we can at least carry on a conversation, I don't want to screw you. I just don't. As far as my dating pattern goes, I pretty much know what I like. I'm not saying that I will only date Jewish engineers, BUT I know that I like men who are intelligent in the way that I am intelligent, who can carry on a conversation, and who like to do dorky shit. Whether that comes in a white, brown, black, Jewish, or Asian package doesn't really matter to me.

I am 26 years old and I know that people have different perceptions of how old that is, but for me that feels too old to be hooking up with randos in the park. I don't want to date like that anymore - that was the old me. I just recently read The Happiness Project for a book club I'm in and it's made me think about doing my own happiness project, but around dating. Really thinking about what I want to get out of it and finding fun and creative ways to meet new people that don't make me feel ashamed of myself. I just need to filter out everything from the outside and focus on dating the way I want to date and really looking at the things that make me happy and going for that. I was doing pretty well - POP was a step in the right direction. I need to start doing more of that -  being me and finding people that make me happy. At the end of the day, I'm the only one that knows how I feel and I'm the only one that has to live with the consequences of my action. What I also need to work on is separating myself from situations once they stop making me happy. I did it with The Blexican, but it was way past when I should've done it. I didn't do it with POP and waited until I was an emotional wreck before confronting him about things.

That said, I'm looking forward to the date next week - he seems like he's legitimately looking for an adult relationship, which I think is going to be my gating factor for the guys I go out with. Stay tuned for more developments in my dating journey.