fail again. fail better.

I initially had planned to write something else today, but I had some early morning inspiration. Every day, I have the same routine when I get into work. I come in, loop by the kitchen and grab some water and then walk to my desk. On the way in, I pass this huge whiteboard where people have written lots of quotes and drawn pictures. I see it every day, but for some reason this morning one stuck out to me - a quote by Samuel Beckett. "Fail again. Fail better." It kind of reminds me of what I'm going through right now with my relationship cycle.

I've been thinking a lot about the TOJ breakup and how to handle it and what to do, but I think the thought that gives me some semblance of comfort is that even though I failed yet again, I managed to fail better. I finally chose a partner that was good for me - a guy who has a good job, whose personality I clicked well with, and who treated me well. He cooked for me, brought me soup when I was sick, took me out to nice dinners, and never treated me with less respect than I deserved. He showed me what I wanted in a partner when it comes to communication and sexual experimentation. While we couldn't make it work and he didn't want to continue seeing me, it had nothing to do with something stupid I did or some character flaw. Sometimes things just don't work out.

With each step, I can feel myself getting closer and closer to my goal. I am dating better men as time goes on and I am learning about myself in the process. It's painful and it hurts to fail so much because every time it doesn't work out, I start to wonder what's wrong with me and why God doesn't seem to want me to have this. It's so easy for so many other people, but it's so difficult for me. I've thought through everything - am I just really fucking ugly? Am I too smart? Not smart enough? But, I know these are all the wrong questions to be asking. The fact is, this is the hand I was dealt, the life I was given. As long as I am learning more about myself and figuring out what I want, I have faith that I will get there eventually (even if I'm 75). All I can do is keep trying, work on making sure everything else in my life is what I want it to be, and knowing that failure isn't really failure if you learn something in the process.

Fail again. Fail better.