Then, I went home and I bawled my eyes out. I cried so hard for I don't even know how long. Not the typical quiet crying, but wracking, heaving sobs that had me collapsing on the floor. It was seriously dramatic. I asked God what I've been doing wrong and why I keep getting so close to what I want that I can see it and almost grasp it, but it's just outside of my reach. I asked God why none of my efforts have been rewarded and what on earth I could possibly do to find what I want. I like to think I'm a good person, a kind and caring person, who only wants to love and take care of someone and be loved and taken care of in return. After I finished with all that, I fell asleep, fully clothed. I kept waking up with tears in my eyes - I guess I don't just laugh in my sleep, but I cry too. It was a restless night, but it ended up okay.
Yesterday was more friend/family telephone time. I talked to College BFF and got to vent to her, which felt really nice. I talked to my mother on the phone for a long time. I've been shocked at how honest I am with her now and how good she is to me. She told me that I have to remember that I'm the special one and I need someone to treat me as such, someone who wants to claim me and be my boyfriend. She says I should take a break and work on me and when I'm ready, someone will come along. It was nice to have a real heart to heart with her. The rest of the day was spent with JazzGirl, L, and S. Brunch, lots of champagne, laying out in Golden Gate Park, Ferry Building drinks - the perfect day out. I started to get a little hazy towards the end, so I ducked out to come home and watch some TV. Talked forever to Slindy on the phone - nice to talk to one of my oldest, closest friends. Then bedtime. I slept really poorly and woke up at 3am, just heartsick. I managed to get to bed again around 6am and now I'm up trying to work and be productive. Had a really nice long convo with Senior Year Roommate this morning. I was really happy to hear from her and it was good to catch up. It sucks that this is how it has to go, but the whole breakup thing has showed me how awesome my friends are - the MCM high school crew, my sorority sisters, all my lovely work friends, pretty much everyone. They all have come out to support me and I'm letting them. It feels nice to let people console me. I'm so lucky to have such amazing people in my world.
Part III tomorrow... more on my feelings about TOJ and what's next for me.