For the first time in a long time, I don't care about boys or dating or seeking out sex partners. It wasn't really a conscious decision, but after things ended with TOJ I just didn't have the energy to think about men. I thought it would go away and that I'd be my usual, optimistic self and jump right back on that horse, but I really have no desire. It's hard to explain. It's not my usual "NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME" pessimism - I'm just kind of done with it all. I have faith that I will meet someone someday, but for now, I don't want to look. I'm tired of seeking it out, I just want it to happen and I have faith that it will. Sometimes I still log on OKC to stalk TOJ (no one has been messaging him... lol) and I love rating men, but I don't read anyone's profiles and I delete all the messages people send me. I'm just taking a little break.
I feel different this time. Mostly because it's not something I'm forcing on myself, it's just how I feel. The closer I get to achieving my romantic goals, the less urgency I have about it. I'm kind of like - it'll happen when it happens. I'm just going to do me and explore the interests I have. I've been writing again and doing my sex ed thing and reading a ton. Going out with friends and enjoying my life. There just doesn't seem to be as much pressure to find a partner. As far as sex goes, sure I'd love to be having more of it (or any of it for that matter), but I'm not dying to get laid anymore. I feel this really nice sense of calm and peace right now. I'm okay with where I am and it feels great!